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Flat Tummy Tea

SOURCE: Ione / Interactive One

I convinced myself over the past couple of months that I’m somehow bloated and not gaining weight – and I blame Draya and Nene Leakes and their damn Flat Tummy Tea for that misnomer.

I watched the rise and fall of my tummy every day and dismissed it, like, “Girl, we’re just bloated. No big deal,” and kept it pushing.

Until … My calendar reminded me of my upcoming trip to Ibiza, Spain, for a bachelorette party (turn up) in a few weeks and I was like, “Aw yea, I need to get snatched quick without trying.” So Flat Tummy Tea seemed like a practical solution for this tight feeling around my lower belly aka “bloat.”

If celebs are getting paid getting slim with it, it must work, right?

Swindled into the trend by my favorite Instagram models, (hey, come on, we’re all susceptible), I asked my VP if I could expense a batch and give it a try.

I crawled through the pink and grey pages of the site to place my order, and I was inundated with the playful language of the brand voice:

“Hey, babe! You’re just a teacup away from having abs.”

Basically.

“Okayyy, bitchhh!” I responded to the Web page. “Let’s get fit!”

The order came super quick (priority mail) – I ordered it on a Friday and it was in my belly by Wednesday.

When I first opened up the pouch (which could actually serve as a makeshift makeup bag), I was kinda put off by the presentation. You basically get these containers with lots of different herbs and spices, like a bowl of incense.

This requires you to buy a tea strainer, because the package doesn’t include any tea bags.

Luckily, our Stye and Beauty Editor had a lovely green teapot with a strainer at her house, so I was ready to go the next day.

The taste is … herbal. I can’t think of any other way to put it. It’s light – if you like tea, this will definitely be palatable to your taste buds.

I kept a half-assed food diary on the first day of my cleanse.

Day 1: Flat Tummy Tea in morning. Ate terribly, per usual. French toast, 10 pieces of bacon, vanilla gelato, kale chicken salad and chicken tostadas with extra guacamole and two donuts. LOL.

Day 2 and 3: I had the Flat Tummy Tea in the morning and the night cleanse before bed. (oh, by the way, it’s a two-part system).

Disclaimer, this is not me below:

By Day 5 I was feeling … stopped up uncomfortable, to say the least.

I came over to my Managing Editor before our morning meeting and was like, “Yo, I haven’t taken a shit in like four days!”

The subsequent constipation was a surprise to me because senna, which is a herb that usually really makes you want to go, is a main ingredient.

Basically, senna is said to help stimulate your bowel movements, but stimulate me, it did not.

I went on to take some laxatives and was finally free of my shit, in the name of Jesus.

Long story short, it didn’t work for me.

I’m back to being as plant-based as possible and walking as much as I can, because as much as I’d like to say there’s a shortcut to being fit, there just ain’t.

At least, not for me.

Have you tried it?

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