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I was a stranger to toys when I took the Babeland Tour (below), but as a single goddess, I am no stranger to my body. What’s your stance on the M-word – toys, no toys, or not at all?

Hey Cupcakes,

It’s me, Abiola. Ms. Abrams, if you’re nasty! I am giving new meaning to the word DJing and the art of self pleasure. Women get ready discover your goodies. OK, with your fine self! Let’s get down to the nitty gritty! This week, we’re talking about self-pleasure. No “tough love” today.

I visited a book club that was reading Dare. The group, whose name I won’t mention for privacy purposes, was a gorgeous gaggle of black and Latina sisters with a Becky in the mix for good measure. I have met with several groups by phone, but this group, that I’ll call the Reading Divas, won a contest on my site to have me visit. It was just like the Pajama Parties I throw for my friends.

Without giving away too much, there is a scene in my novel Dare that involves a scarf and the main character Maya touching herself with jazz beats screaming. One of the Reading Divas, who I’ll call Natalie, was intrigued with this scene and we all got into an explicit convo about the M-word.

When I delved deeper, Natalie claimed to have never touched herself intimately except when showering. Never ever. Not alone, not with a partner, nothing!

Frankly, this was so fascinating to yours truly that I veered totally off the topic of Dare and spoke exclusively about the art of DJing, the nickname my buddy Rich gives the female version of jerking off. Why on earth would a healthy, red-blooded American woman not want to know and touch her body? I was baffled.

Our convo went something like this:

Abiola: What? Why?

Natalie: I just never felt the need to?

Abiola: Why Not?

Natalie: (blushing) Um. I dunno.

Abiola: Never?!

Natalie: Never! I…

Abiola: Never ever?

Natalie: I guess… I just felt ashamed. Or maybe I’m not a sexual person.

Abiola: Mami – everybody is a sexual person…

Food, sleep and sex. Your body needs all 3. And if you are lacking in one area, you will overcompensate in the other two. Medical fact.

Natalie’s Reading Diva sisters came forth with stories, suggestions, and, in one case, toys, and all I can say is… I bet I know what Natalie is doing as we speak! Ah-hem! Now, Maya in my novel touches herself through a scarf because she is ashamed of her body. A scarf or any other barrier is bad enough, but to feel so dirty that you don’t touch yourself at all? Egads woman, you are missing out!!

How can you teach a partner to learn your body if you don’t know your body yourself? I understand having parameters. I’m not saying that you have to buy any big, scary, ugly vibrators, unless that’s your pleasure. I personally have an aversion to the whole vibe thing.

Jocelyn Elders, the first African American surgeon general, had to step down when she not only promoted the use of condoms, but suggested that if young people would just masturbate, maybe they would stop spreading disease and unwanted pregnancies. Duh – sounds like great advice. Believe it or not, people freaked, and homegirl lost her gig. Urban legend says that she may have even started the saying, “Sex can wait, masturbate!” Love that!

People! It’s yours. God put it all there for a reason.

It turns out that May is masturbation month. Yay! I know that we’re early, but you can get a jump on it, so to speak. Get some candles and incense and set the mood, just like you do for a partner. Put on something silky or whatever turns you on and then go for it! Waiting… Waiting… Waiting… Mmmmmmm. Didn’t that feel good? You deserve to feel good – everywhere! I thought that we got this memo, but I am happy to be of service. Now you can show your partner what you learned in class, and the night will get even hotter.


Buy Dare by Abiola Abrams wherever you buy books. Watch Tough Love Sunday nights on VH1 at 10pm. Find me at, on facebook at, youtube, or twitter

Get a tax-free vibrator!

Watch Abiola give Eric Benet a little tough love.


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