Nowadays the art of conversation is lost. Many of us stay tip toeing around our partners on egg shells. When we get clues as to what the other person may be thinking, if it’s not what we’d like to hear, it’s an immediate threat to our balance. *Enters insecurity left stage* the first inclination for commitment in a relationship 8 time out of ten comes from the woman. She doesn’t want to give her all AGAIN without it being reciprocated. She doesn’t want the drama, the hassles, and she wants to be the only one. She does not understand why after dating for a period of [insert months here], why “we” can’t just make it official?!
Valid thoughts, very valid, however the one mistake we women are making when having the “so where is this going?” conversation, is that we are not doing enough listening. We know what it is we want, I’m sure, but the question we need to be asking is, “Where are we at?” Here are three important conversations to have before considering committing:
- Are we seeing other people? I think women especially are guilty of walking around with commitment handcuffs in their back pockets ready to lock a man down when she feels the time is right to take things to the next level. Well, you may be ready, but are both of you ready? Do you enjoy occasionally sexting with random men on your BBM? Is he perhaps still keeping his options open? Bite the bullet, don’t make the assumption that you are the only woman and please have this conversation. It doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship necessarily (depending on what the outcome is); it may just mean you give it more time to develop.
- Does Commitment Mean Marriage Is In The Future? I believe two people can have a committed relationship and not necessarily want marriage to be the end result. They may enjoy the exclusivity in that particular moment and not desire the complexities of marriage. You will want to discuss this with your partner at some point in the game; the last thing you want is to get in too deep with someone who does not have compatible values as yourself.
- Why is commitment important? Just an FYI ladies- men hate the word commitment. It’s like you are literally sentencing him to life in prison, however do not let this deter you. If it is important for you to have this conversation, let him know, BUT be prepared to back it up with facts. Is a commitment really what you are seeking at this point in your relationship and why? Are you absolutely sure that there is no other outstanding issues or insecurities you have poking around that need to be addressed first? Is this need to commit coming naturally or are “mama n ‘em” getting on your case?
If these conversations are being shot down every chance you get to bring them up…well girl, you know what time it is! I’ve struggled with this issue myself on many occasions and it took the patience of a very special man who was honest and caring enough to show me that commitment is not merely about claiming someone’s heart like you would claim property. A commitment is a natural process in a relationship that occurs when both hearts are ready and open to receive each other. If you are not ready to devote time to developing a relationship and connection to your partner you sure as hell are not ready for commitment. Until next week, keep the conversations in your love lives forever flowing.
HB Fam, what are some other important conversations couples should have before committing? Is there a particular period of time in the dating stage couples should consider becoming committed? Should commitment lead to marriage? Why or why not?
About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I or send her an email firstname.lastname@example.org.