Do Single Moms Create More Single Moms?
A little while back I was fortunate to be asked to participate in a webinar for black moms. Our topic was about the plight of our brown babies and what we can do as parents to prepare them for the best life possible.
One of the other panelists, Kimberly Seals Allers (a single mom herself) responded to a question about single moms. She recently wrote a post on it and invited me to get my readers to weigh in. She writes:
“Recently, I had an epiphany.
It was actually more like a frightening realization, to be honest.
And it came to me on the television set of a BET taping, of all places. During the taping, I was sitting next to a young black male who was just singing his mama’s praises. He spoke lovingly of how she raised him as a single parent, giving tough love and setting high expectations. Then, he began to talk about how when his father left, his mother “didn’t miss a beat” and just got on with their lives. This struck me. I interrupted him gently, to remind him that that is just what he saw or what she allowed him to see, and that he didn’t know what happened to his mother when he went to sleep or when his mother was alone-she may have cried for hours.
The problem with what this young man saw, is that he was left with the impression that his father left his family and there were no consequences. No repercussions. This is dangerous thinking for our young men. And in my opinion, dangerous behavior on our part as Black women. My fear is that our Strong Black Woman Syndrome is unintentionally breaking down our families and creating a dangerous legacy.”
I found her theory refreshing and I spent the next few months thinking about it. Examples of the “Strong Black Woman Syndrome” were all around me. Friends told me that it was no big deal when their child’s father left, because they were expecting him to leave all along, that they’ve spent their whole lives planning on being single mothers. That stunned me.
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Do single moms create a new generation of single moms – their strength backfiring, leaving the current generation of fatherless youth to believe that a man’s presence isn’t really necessary, since Mom does such a good job holding it down on her own?
But isn’t it a Catch-22? Don’t single moms, like all parents, want their kids to feel safe and secure knowing that they will be OK no matter what? Why make it apparent that their life is made even more complicated by Daddy’s absence? One thing I think single moms do amazingly well is their ability to shine no matter the circumstances. They do it all – because they know they have to. They let the love for their kids push them forward, doing just as much as, or sometimes more than, the moms with partners and other sources of support. They rock. Is this now one more thing they have to worry about as they try to do it all on their own?
Let me hear your thoughts on this theory: Do single moms help create more single moms by creating the “allusion” that Daddy ain’t necessary? What, in your opinion, contributes to the rise in female-headed households with no man in sight?
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Comments 8
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RichardMann11
ye sthey do cause they not teaching they lil girls how to deal with men, in fact they teach them they dont need no man and that the man is the enemy and to never be trusted
bugzytoto
If single moms let their kids know that having kids when you are not married, or with a non career oriented black man without goals in life, that is not ready for a kid, then the black community would not be complaining about single moms raising kids alone to a great degree.
enemy
I think it’s very telling that the word “husband” appears nowhere in this post. Not in the original commentary, nor in the responses at the time I’m writing this. Why do we think it’s alright to make babies out of wedlock?
Of course the men you speak of are taking off…these women are giving it up without getting a marriage commitment. Contraception is both available and affordable, so there’s not much reason for any of these women to find themselves parenting alone. The sperm donors you speak of obviously don’t understand commitment. Otherwise they’d make make these women spouses before making them mothers.
Here’s what I plan to tell my three daughters: don’t date a man who had no father at home. More likely than not, he won’t be willing or able to make a commitment when the time comes for him to put that ring on your finger. That is how this vicious cycle repeats. Boys raised by single mothers do not have positive male role models who can show them what it is to build a loving, committed relationship with a woman. How can they emulate behavior they have never seen?
sylkiifeather
um, im confused. how is it the single moms that CREATE anything, when it is the FATHERS that leave? so doesnt that mean its the FATHERS who create single mothers. single mothers have no other choice but to deal with what THE MAN has created for her and her children. im talking about the deadbeat fathers, not when the mother is just being a b*tch and keeping the kids away from the father on purpose. what contributes to the rise in single female headed households is the MAN…not the MOTHER. i mean, what is a single mother supposed to do when the dad just up and leaves? is she supposed to cry all day long in front of her kids? appear to be weak? im not getting the point of this article. maybe i just misunderstood it…
Da_J_Rok
I just wanna give a shout out to all the “SINGLE FATHERS” who are so easy to be overlooked as well
eazyE
this is why the poverty cycle continues…….. kids are better off with 2 parents in the home.. i know this might be an unrealistic view but it is what it is…….and it is hard for an already single mom to get in a relationship when the guy doesnt have any kids……please dont have kids until ur ready……and broaden ur horizons.. start dating white/hispanic/asian guys.. stop dating and getting pregnant by the same guys in ur circle………….
Misalove
This is so true. I am a single mom, and I would never show my daughter any negativity and I never let her know how disappointed I was in her father. I dont want her to think all men are like that. I definitely dont want her to think life stops if a man dips out on his child, and I never wanted her to feel like it was”hard” raising her. I let her know it was fun and we were blessed!!! My daughter is 16 now and her attitude towards men is very interesting. She knows a good one will enhance her life, but if she doesn’t have one her life is still wonderful!! She knows men are important to families, and has expressed her concerns about her father, but overall she isn’t bitter about growing up without hers.
single_409
Wow! Its sad but true. But I feel that the kids that grow up without fathers relaize the need of a dad in their lives but have to feel blessed to have a mother strong enough to hold it down for them. I have seen a comeback of fathers, young men determined to help raise their children. So often when I was taking my daughter to headstart, I would see very young men (some in their late teens and early twenties) walking or bringing their children to school. One cold day, this father put his child inside his jacket and carried the child to school. I thought it was the sweetest thing. When I pick my boys up from school, I see many fathers in the carpool lane picking their children up. I personally know several black men that were at one point raising their daughters alone.
Our expectations of men have got to come up. We must let them know they have the potential to live up to those expectations. All children need their fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles and other male role models. It does take a village to raise a child.