Please help!  I’ve been going with my “fiancé” for nearly four years.  His ex divorced him five years ago (we met a year after his divorce), after they were married for 15 years. He has a now-17-year-old son with her. There were a lot of issues in his marriage and admits he was a terrible father. He had a substance and alcohol addiction problem and had difficulties holding down a job. He currently owes a LOT of back child support. He now works a fairly good job, although it’s low paying (but regular and long hours), and child support payments are deducted from his paychecks.

However, I feel his past issues with the ex are not my problem. I’ve tried to be supportive of him, even though we’ve had our own issues:  He has stolen from me and lied to me.  We’ve been in counseling and have tried to heal and I’ve tried to work with him to rebuild the trust.  Yet, he’s secretive about his relationship with the ex.

I feel it’s out of guilt that he behaves the way he does, and I feel she manipulates him because of the way he treated her in the marriage. (He may even have been unfaithful to her; I’m not sure.)  But now she’s DIVORCED from him. She shouldn’t be trying to get MY money from him. (We were living together for a year and-a-half until I kicked him out because he took money that he earned from side jobs that I found for him and gave the money to HER.)

Now he’s living with his brother and sister-in-law, sleeping in a kids’ bedroom and living like a 16-year-old with a 10 p.m. curfew. (I think this is good for him and is exactly what he needs at this point.)  His brother and sister-in-law will not put up with any crap from him. I tried not to, but he walked all over me. When he is late coming home now (past his 10 p.m. curfew), he has to sleep outside in his car. He isn’t allowed to have a key to his brother’s house.

He has asked me to let him come back and live with me. I’ve told him NO WAY. He wants to marry me, or so he claims, but he still carries on a secret relationship with the ex.

I understand that he will always have to have contact with her because of their son. BUT:  He visits with her at her house and never tells me when or what’s going on. I’ve NEVER met her, and she won’t allow me near their house. Once, we pulled up in her driveway after church (I was waiting in the car), and she came out of the house screaming and told him to get his “girlfriend” off the property and never to bring “her” near the house again or she would call the police. She won’t let me near the 17-year-old son and badmouths me to the son, whom I’ve only seen twice in the nearly four years I’ve been going with my fiancé.

How do I handle this? My fiancé is not moving toward marrying me. We’re Catholic and since both of us have been married before, in order to be married in the Church, we have to go through the annulment process. I started the paperwork process with our Church two years ago, but my fiancé won’t continue with the paperwork. It’s always an excuse. He has not been able to put any money away and is always broke. (He’s bankrupt.) He had a chance to get his bankruptcy resolved by my CPA for whom I work (free of charge) and he canceled the appointment. Now my CPA doesn’t want anything to do with him.

He still claims I’m “the love of his life” and that “one day” I will be his wife and that I’m his “wife” in his mind.

What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.

The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation. Thanks for your advice. – He’s My Man

Dear Ms. He’s My Man,

Girl, girl, girl! Really? Really! Today, you’re going to bring this bull-ish to me and it’s only the middle of the damn week?!

I was cracking up reading your letter and saying to myself, “She is truly a bird. She is truly special. And, I’m talking about special ed. As a matter of fact, I’m enrolling you in my special ed classes at my Academy for Retarded Ass-Backward Women Who Don’t Know Their Ass From A Hole In A Ground.”

You have got to be out of your got damn mind to want to marry this man. You have got to be the dumbest woman living on the face of earth to even get wrapped up in this madness and drama with this man.

I’m going to list several reasons why you should not get married to him:

1.)    He has stolen from you.

2.)    He has lied to you.

3.)    You’ve only met his 17-year old son twice in four years.

4.)    He is a drug addict and alcoholic.

5.)    He is broke and bankrupt.

6.)    He is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Trust me. He is!

7.)    He is keeping secrets from you, and therefore, he is not honest or truthful, or trustworthy.

8.)    He’s living in his brother and sister-in-law’s home, with a curfew, and he has no key to the home because they don’t even trust him.

9.)    The money he earned from side jobs you helped him find he gave the money to his ex.

Finally, in order to get married you have to file annulment paperwork, which you have done, but he somehow can’t seem to finish. Thus, this means you’re not worth the time and effort. In essence: YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!

Now listen here, sweetie, if every time you go out of your way to help him, and he doesn’t want to help himself, then why do you keep getting on your knees and kissing his left and right ass cheeks? Stop licking and sucking his ass. He’s not worth it.

But here’s the thing, all of you are treating him like a kid. Which he is. You’re babying him and holding his hand, and trying to get him to do the right thing. His brother is babying him and treating him like a kid. And, even his ex-wife is coddling him and manipulating him. Hmmmm, you see where I’m going with this? He’s a grown ass kid and won’t make any adult choices for himself because all of you are doing it for him. How about all of you treat him like an adult, and when he finds himself with no place to live, struggling with his finances, and he has to actually do things for himself, then hopefully his grown ass will grow the “F” up.

I’m going to wrap this up and I hope you will think for once in your life. And, I mean actually use your brain for something more intellectual other than watching Jerry Springer, Maury, and other non-academic or brain stimulating activities. How can this man actually afford to take care of you if he owes sooooo much back child support, he’s financially inept, bankrupt, and works a minimum wage job?  And, you say he says that you’re the love of his life. LMBAO! You’re actually wrong. You are the mother of his life. Don’t get it twisted. Then you ask, “What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.” Then stop. Someone can’t break your heart unless you allow them to. Stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his crusty nasty ass feet on your heart.

You go on to say, “The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation.” If you know this and he’s not doing anything to help the situation, then why are you still there? Why are you hoping he will do what he’s supposed to and after five years of being with him he’s done nothing for you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to end this and let it marinate in your thick ass brainless skull. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

My fiancé and I have been together for going on five years. We had a very rough start, but he came around. After a year or so being together we moved in together. He asked me to marry him after a huge fight and me wanting to move out. I love this man with all of my heart, but I said, “No,” because I felt it was the wrong time to be asking that sort of question.

After we worked things out, he asked me again. This time I said yes! Fast forward three and half years, and now he doesn’t want to get married. After we’ve set a date and everything he says we do not need a piece of paper to know we are married! He says he will do it for me, but for everyone else asking his remarks and expressions say he doesn’t! Why would he ask me to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Where is this going? – Does He Really Want To Get Married

Dear Ms. Does He Really Want To Get Married,

SMDH! Chile, I swear you pressed and unrelenting women don’t and won’t learn.

You want to know where it’s going? Uhm, nowhere.

You want to know why would he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Because underneath all your drama, nagging, and complaining he really never ever wanted to get married. I’m certain that it’s YOU who wants to get married. And, to make you happy and to keep a happy home, he is doing what he thinks you want him to do. Therefore, like most men who don’t really want to get married, but the pressures from their girlfriends who won’t stop nagging and bringing up the marriage issue a man will get to the point where he will be like, “Okay! Damn! Let’s get married. Let’s do this and hopefully you will shut the hell up!!!”

But, also like most men, they will tell you truth after careful consideration, thought, and processing that they do not want to get married. They never wanted to get married and the only reason he is doing it is because YOU want to get married. YOU want the wedding. YOU want to show off to your friends and family members that YOU got a man to agree to walk down the aisle and profess his love for you. LMBAO!

This is what I don’t understand and I do hope that someone will please explain it to me: Why do you women date these men for years on end, move in, play house and do all the things a married couple does, and then all of a sudden it dawns on you that you have no ring on your finger and you start demanding he makes a woman out of you and marry you? DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING TYPE OF SENSE? I swear you’re some ass backwards thinking and doing folks. Now you want to back track and do things the right way. Now you want to reverse what’s already been set forth.

And, weren’t you the one who said, “No,” when he asked you initially to marry him? Now, you’re all concerned and perturbed because he’s telling you he doesn’t need a piece of paper for you to know you’re married. And, the only reason he will do it is for you! Now, listen to what he is saying. Pay attention because I’m certain that comprehension is not your strong suit.  LMBAO! Please, baby Jesus make it stop! This is what he is saying: HE IS ONLY GOING TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Now, you have an option: You can either ignore his desire not to be married and force him down the aisle and live a life of misery and unhappiness with a man who feels his is doing something he really wants to do, but will only do it to appease you? Or, you can wait and do some marriage counseling courses, and get to the root of why he doesn’t want to get married. And, you can save yourself the heartache, pain, and agony of trying to be with a man who will probably be much happier if you wanted and allowed him to be the initiator for marriage. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Would You Sign A Two-Year Marriage License To Avoid The Divorce Process?

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

I need help with one of my best friends who introduced me to your site.

He is a good friend and my daughter’s godfather. He just doesn’t make the best decisions, especially when it comes to women. We attended college together and worked together for three years, and about six months ago he told me he was leaving and moving to Atlanta with a female friend.

I was happy for him, but at the same time a little concern. See, he is the type of guy that is woman crazy. He falls head over heels for women even if they show no interest in wanting him. The first of the year I get a call from one of our other friends and he began telling me about our mutual friend. Since he has been in Atlanta we talk about every month and he makes it seems that everything is all good and he loves it. He called our friend, however, to borrow money and he told him what was going on and told him the truth about his living conditions.

He takes care of her three kids, his godchildren, baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning, and giving her something on rent every month. But, come to find out he is sleeping on the floor of her three-bedroom apartment. She has an empty room for her two-year old, but since the child sleeps with her, she won’t let my friend have it. Then, she has a young twenty-two year old boyfriend, who is close to moving in also. While my friend is handling chores like a stay-at-home husband, she’s in her room getting the ‘D’ from a younger guy.

I talked to him last week, and he didn’t sound like himself. His tune was of someone defeated and unhappy, not his usual happy joking personality. I tried talking to him, but I think everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He is continuing putting up that front like everything is all right. His voice tells of something different. I know he continues reading your site and I feel hearing advice from you might make him snap into his right mind and get out of that situation before it turns on him. I also have to mention that the job he had covered his medical insurance, and now he has no insurance and has health problems.

His female friend keeps nagging him about getting a better job and giving her more money, while she is living above her means. I feel her new guy will soon want him out of the picture and he’s going to be stuck homeless trying to move back home. I think it is hurting his pride that he doesn’t have a job, and moving back will make him look like a failure. I am close to giving up on him because honestly he is too old to be living like this. We are both in our thirties, I am 31 years old, and married with kids and he is close to 36 years old with no kid. What should I do, let him keep on this path until he hits a brick wall, or help him save himself the pain and misery and admit defeat. – Help my friend out before he is homeless and naked on a corner!

Dear Ms. Help My Friend,

Chile, I say let his dumb ass find out the hard way. I’m all for helping folks, and helping friends, and extending a hand to them, but if they don’t want to listen and they are stubborn or have too much damn pride to admit when –ish ain’t working out, then, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit the brick wall and hit rock bottom so they can see the situation for themselves.

It’s truly sad when a grown ass man who appears to have it all together, smart, educated, and a good head on his shoulders, but is too p****y hungry to know the difference between being used and being taken advantage of. He’s a clown and needs to have his ass clowned!

And, for the record, who the hell moves to another state with someone they barely know, sleeps on the floor, does the household chores like a live-in nanny and maid, and watches as some young tender bangs his girl? Oh, my bad, your friend!

Chile, I am truly thankful for my friends! Thank the Lord! We have a policy with each other that no matter what we will always be brutally honest with each other. We tell each other when we are doing asinine stupid ass –ish. We tell each other the TRUTH, regardless if we want to hear it or not, we don’t bite our tongues, and we don’t hold back. What good is it to have friends who co-sign your bull-ish and watch you go through something and then talk about you behind your back? No ma’am! Not me!

Honey, you’ve done all you can do. You’ve spoken with him, gave him a listening ear, and reached out and have been a friend to him. He is the one that is not opening up and being honest with you about his situation. You are getting the information secondhand. Unfortunately, and until he is ready, he is going to have to wake up and see what’s really real and say to himself, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I, a 36 year old grown ass man sitting up in this woman’s APARTMENT, not house, and sleeping on the floor, giving her money for rent, doing all the chores, baby-sitting, and some other dude is banging her back out? What am I trying to prove? Why is my ego so damn big and I’m too proud to admit that this –ish isn’t working, and I need help?” But, your friend won’t and can’t do that. And, it’s because of his ego and pride.

So, let his ego and pride put him out on the streets. Let his ego and pride ignore his health and realize he has no medical insurance. As a matter of fact, ask him if he can have sex with his ego and pride and if they can fulfill his longing desire to be with someone, feel love, and be wanted?

Your friend is searching for something that you cannot provide him with. He is looking for love. He is looking for someone to want him, desire him, and need him. And, he will put himself in this precarious and F’d up situations because he is driven by his emotions which are clouding his mental capabilities. So, let him learn his lesson, and hopefully he will stop being so damn egotistical, and hard-headed and count his losses. And, let him know you’re still there for him, and will have his back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Know My Man Loves Me, But His Ex Refuses To Get Out Of The Picture”

“I Gave Him The Ultimatum Of “Now or Never” For Marriage & He Said “Never”

Your articles have me in tear laughing. I’m a fan! LOL

Anywho, I have been dating my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and we recently told each other that we’re in love. He is so sweet to me, has bomb ass sex, and treats me like a queen. My birthday was recently and he gave me so many gifts and surprised me with a dinner and all our friends were there. I cried because nobody has ever treated me like him.

So, he is really not my issue. My issue is with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for 3 years. They had an on and off relationship and she cheated on him when he was away so he broke it off. I know he really loved and cared about her a lot because he kept giving her chances after she did him wrong. He says that he no longer loves her and wants nothing to do with her, but on his birthday she hit him up with this looong email saying how everyone in her family says happy birthday and that they love him (she also went on to make a few old jokes that they shared in common) and then to top it off she ended it with an, “I will always love you.”

He told me about this message, but it was only after I suspected she had contacted him because he made an indirect tweet about it and I figured it out. So, when he told me about the message I was a bit upset and asked him why he didn’t tell me. We finally came to an agreement that we would tell each other when an ex hits us up.

Now, my other issue is that she still contacts his mother and calls her “momma” and tells her she loves her. I can’t seem to get over this in my heart. I also found an old video of them together which also made me feel some kind of way. (I know I sound jealous) I love my man and want to stay with him, but I have a great feeling that his ex is not over him and will soon want him back if she already doesn’t. I don’t want his ex to become a problem, I want her to be a NON-FACTOR from here on out. Please give me your advice. -The New Girlfriend

Dear Ms. New Girlfriend,

Uhm, sweetie, she is a NON-MOFO’ing FACTOR! Why are you stressing over her? If he is not engaging her, leading her on, and reaching out and contacting her, then you don’t have anything to worry about. Let that bum ass wretched rat continue to scurry around sniffing for crumbs.

The man loves you! Don’t you get that! He went all out on your birthday. He gave you lots of gifts and surprised you with a dinner with all of your friends present. He demonstrated his love and emotions for you in front of everyone. The man loves YOU!

So what if his ex-girlfriend is sending loooong ass emails and trying to reconnect with him. That’s what a jilted and hurt ex will do when they know they’ve lost something really good. She wants him back because she realizes that she F’d up! She is the jackass that stepped out on him and treated him badly. She is the donkey that let a good man go, and in the words of Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”  And, now she’s reflecting over what she’s lost.

This is what I don’t understand. You have a good man. He loves you. Treats you like a queen. Does everything under the sun for you, and tells you he loves you, then why are you focusing on what his ex-girlfriend is doing? Why are you worried about her? If he is loving you, spending time with you, and giving you all his time and energy, then she shouldn’t even be a matter of consideration or thought. She is

If I were you I wouldn’t give her any energy, time, or space to rent in your head. You keep focusing on her then you will lose your man. You will begin to start making up things, and situations, and occurrences that don’t even exist. You’ll be imagining circumstances because your head will be playing games with you. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! Focus your energy and love on your man. Let him love you, treat you like the queen you are, and adorn you with lots of joy, happiness, and joy.

And, if Ms. Thing gets out of pocket and wants to show up and start requesting time with him, or calling your phone harassing you, then it’ll be time to get Jilly from Philly on her ass and let her know, “You’re getting in the way of what I’m feeling!” Let her know that she is old news, the old witch that had her chance and F’d it up. And, you’re being a woman and letting her know to watch herself and the boundaries of your relationship. If she continues to ignore you and your relationship, and doesn’t show you any respect, then you’re going to have to snatch Ms. Thang by her weave and whoop that ass. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I met this guy “Robert” at a bar on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and planned to hang out the next day because I was headed off to another place to meet up with friends. However (and probably unfortunately) I ended up seeing him after the bars closed as I was walking my friend home. His friend and him ended up walking us to her place and both of them caught a cab home to my place. We ended up drinking some more and just talking and eventually his friend left. The next morning after a night of cuddling and making out we had sex. We woke up, talked for awhile, and then eventually I drove him home. When he got out of the car he said he would call me later and kissed me goodbye (on the lips mind you). Yet all day he never called.

I know the three day rule but honestly think it is ridiculous so I text him on Sunday. We kept the conversation light and he replied to my texts (which he could have blown me off). But now it is been a couple of days and nothing. I kind of like him and would really like to see him again to get to know him better. Hopefully hang out with out having sex. Do you think it is a loss cause or should I just be more patient? I know it was probably a mistake sleeping with him so fast but do you think I can get things back on track? Should I make the second move and invite him to hang out? – Impulsively Searching For Love

“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby’s Momma”

Dear Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love,

Sigh! When will you ladies learn: Sex for a man does not equate love or instant feelings of like. It’s just sex. It’s a physical act of lust and desire, and on many occasions a need to release.

You said you kind of like him. Well, could you please tell me what do you like about him, ma’am? Yeah, just as I figured. You don’t know him. You had sex with him after a night of drinking. You both were mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired. How can you make a sound judgment under the influence of alcohol? Please explain that to me.

Girl, you had drunk sex and now you think you’ve met the one. SMDH! Silly ass rabbit, tricks are for kids. Ole trick ass.

Your signature is befitting of you: Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love. Stop searching for love by opening your legs to random dudes you meet at a bar. How about you start opening your mind and feeding and nurturing your spirit.

Girl, I’m still LMBAO because you truly believe and feel that just because he kissed you on the lips after you drove him home the next morning that it was a sign that he really liked you and wanted to get to know you better. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop baby Jesus. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

What do I do when I like someone but they are in the middle of a divorce? – Liking A Married Man

Dear Ms. Liking A Married Man,

Uhm, how about you leave them alone and wait until the divorce is over.

He is still married. I don’t care if he’s separated, and they are going through a divorce. What part of they are still married do you not understand?  Ole thirsty ass chick.

Please, slowly remove your rouge painted lips from under his nut sac and stop sipping his juices.

Let him go through his divorce before you start any type of relationship with this man. And, please note: Although he may be divorcing his wife, he is not ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So, any hopes of you being the next Mrs., please get that out of your head. You will be the jump-off, and bed buddy. You know, the in-between time chick until he finds another woman he wants to settle down with and make his wife.

So, pump your brakes. Get you some business, and preferably a man that is not tied to some other woman. Yeah, that’s a thought. How about you find a man who is single, eligible, and available. Why do you want to be with someone who already has somebody? Because as the saying goes, “How you find him, is how you will lose him.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“My Boyfriend Infected Me With HIV & He Stole My Money For My Meds”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met a guy on face book and I cuddled a little with him at the first date. He didn’t even ask me to become his girlfriend or anything. We met again two days later. We cuddled a lot again. After that, I called him a couple of times. He answered me, but he won’t call me himself. He pretends that he’s busy so he doesn’t have time to see me. But, I really like this guy and I don’t wanna let go of him. I wanna know if there is something I could do about it to make it work? – Liking My Facebook Friend

Dear Ms. Liking My Facebook Friend,

Girl, are you serious right now? SMDH! Chile, here we go with these Facebook romances.

Uhm, sweetie if you cuddled with him on the first date after meeting him over the computer, he’s not going to take you serious or even consider dating you. There’s a word for women like you, and I’m trying to refrain from calling you a hoe, so let’s just say that you’re easy. How about that? LOL!

If you can hop your fast ass in the bed with a man you don’t know, and from off the computer, then why are you expecting him to return your calls after you’ve shown him the goodies and you let him get a sample of your treats?

The doors of the, All Women’s Academy For Simplemindedness And Dumb Women Who Do Dumb –Ish, are open. And, darling, I’m going to need you to step to the front of the line.

You women are going to learn about meeting random men on the computer and taking your hot between the legs asses over to their houses. Your ass is going to come up missing. Ole Jeffrey Dahmer cannibal eating your brains for dinner.

Look, girl, he’s not interested in you. He’s not thinking about you. He only has sex on the brain. He just wanted to smash and use you like he’s done other random women he’s met off Facebook. It’s a game for him, and like most men. It’s called, “How many chicks can I slay on the first night and add to my little black book of easy lays so the next time I’m horny I can hit them up and smash again.” And, you my dear, have become a statistic to the game. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I have been dating this guy for two months now and I’m not sure if I should continue dating him. He is a very nice guy. I mean my whole family likes him but, behind closed doors it’s a different story. Like, when were alone we have a tendency to argue a lot and he always makes it seem like it’s my fault. He judges what I wear. He says that my best friend shouldn’t be a guy. He also says that I shouldn’t go out to clubs, and if my phone rings he’s checking it. And, if I’m playing a game on my phone he’s upset.

Now, the good things are that he love’s spending time with me, we talk on the phone for hours, he does whatever I ask of him, he goes out of his way for me, he buy me things, he caters to me, and he listens. I’m so confused because he’s hot, then he’s cold, and I don’t know if it’s just a phase because he does a lot for me and doesn’t want to get hurt, or if he has some issues. What should I do? – So Confused

Dear Ms. So Confused,

In my Janet Jackson voice (Control!) RUN, girl, RUN!!!! Get out of this relationship immediately!!!! If you stay, in month three you will be a domestic violence statistic.

(@  ^  @) Blank stare at you! Girl, you can’t be that damn clueless to recognize the signs of someone who is controlling and most likely an abuser. Wake your dumb ass up!!! All that –ish you find amusing and cute is not!!! It’s not funny, amusing, entertaining, or “Oh, my gosh, he’s jealous, and that means he loves me. And, because he doesn’t want to get hurt, he is hurting me and lashing out.” No ma’am. Leave that MoFo before he starts stomping your ass into the ground.

Look, here, the man argues with you and he makes everything seems like it’s your fault. Hmmmm! So, he turns things around and makes you feel guilty about things he’s done. Everything is your fault. He wouldn’t argue with you, or call you out of your name if you didn’t make him so mad, huh?

He judges what you wear. Perhaps, it’s because he doesn’t want others looking at you and trying to holler, so he suggests and offers alternative things for you to wear.

He says that your best friend should not be a guy. Jealous, much???? He doesn’t want other men around you, and will alienate you from your friends.

He says you shouldn’t go to clubs. That’s because he wants to monitor your whereabouts and if he’s not there with you, then he doesn’t want you there. Especially in an environment where there are opportunities for other men to look at you and possibly approach you.

If your phone rings he’s checking it. Uhm, sweetie, it’s your phone. Why, after two months, he is checking your phone!!!???? He doesn’t pay your phone bill. He shouldn’t even have your passcode to unlock your phone. Please remind me of why is he checking your phone, again? Oh, yeah, it’s because he wants to see who’s calling you, and why, and for you to explain your relationship with each of those persons.

Now, you say the good things are that, “he love’s spending time with me.” Do-Do brain, it’s because he’s monopolizing your time. He stalking you and your time so he can keep tabs on you. Then you say, “we talk on the phone for hours.” Again, ass on your shoulder, if he has you on the phone for hours at a time, then he can keep track of where you, what you’re doing, and slowly alienate you from your family, and monopolize your time.

All the signs he’s demonstrating are that of a controlling and abusive man. Like you said, your family loves him because he’s so wonderful around them. He smiles, and says, “Yes, sir,” and “Yes, ma’am.” He’s outgoing. Funny. Charming. And, engaging. But, as soon as you two are alone he is belittling you, berating you, and making you feel insignificant. All signs lead to an abuser. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY. He is one step away from knocking you upside your weave. Girl, I don’t want to get another letter from you talking about, “I’m a domestic violence victim. You told my dumbass to leave, but I didn’t listen and now I don’t know what to do because he stalks my every move. Hell, he may be lurking inside the computer as I type this letter. Help me!” LMBAO! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I met this guy online after I decided to get on Myspace for the first time in over a year.

He left comments on my photos a while back and I decided to email him and see how he was doing. He moved up north and he asked me to text him. I am currently in a relationship, but it is not going well at all. He was aware and still wanted to talk to me.

Pack up and move on

We texted back and forth and he sent me a picture of his “thang.” He asked me to do the same, which I reluctantly did. I have never done anything like that in my life, but he was so fine and saying all the right things. Plus he is FINE!

So the sexting continues and progresses into videos. Until last week when i stopped hearing from him. We were texting everyday. What should I do? I texted him good morning on two different days and got no response. He was texting me constantly.

Now I feel horrible because there are naked pics and videos of me and they are in the hands of someone who can’t communicate with me. I am too embarrassed to tell me friends. I am on Facebook now but I’m not sure if I should try to friend him. I am pissed and confused. Help a sista out. – Texting Disaster

“I Met A Pastor Online & I’ve Learned He’s Married & Does This All The Time”

Dear Ms. Texting Disaster,

That’s what the hell you get!! SMDH!

I swear you birds will do anything for attention. Who in the hell starts texting some random dude they met online, and then begin sexting, and then your hot ass sends naked pictures and videos and you have no idea who they are? You really are special. You really are pecking the ground with your beak. Ugh! I could strangle you!

And, who in their right mind is on Myspace???

Girl, this is clearly a wake up call for you. I hope your dumbass learned a lesson from all of this.

I truly refuse to believe that there are people in the world, like you, who lack that much common sense. Wait a minute? Yup, you do lack common sense. I can clearly see through that bald spot in your weave directly to your small ass brain.

Please tell me why the hell you’re sending your naked narrow ass pictures to some random dude because you say, “He is fine!” Do you even know if that is really him that you sent your pictures to? And, do you know if the pictures he sent of his, “thang,” were really pictures of his “thang?” I mean, you two never met in person. So, you don’t know who you were sending your pictures to, do you?

Now, you’re sitting over there with remorse and shame because your nasty ass exposed yourself to some dude who can put all your business out in the street. The same dude who is now M.I.A. (Missing In Action) after he got what he wanted from you. So, what do you want him to do? Send you back the pictures and videos and issue you an apology? LMBAO! I can’t today. Please baby Jesus make it stop.

But, hold on, didn’t you say that you were in a relationship with someone? So, why the freak are you texting, sexting, and sending naked pictures and videos of yourself to some other dude? You really are thirsty. Stop drinking the nut juice young lady. It’s not good for you. Yes, it has plenty of protein and they say it’s good for your skin, but stop digesting it.

Listen up folks! I’m going to issue this warning once, and once only. Do not respond to some random person off the internet who hits you up and asks you to start texting them. Why the hell would you give out your number to someone whom you’ve never met in person and that you don’t know? They are a stranger. And, what’s the saying you learned when you were younger and a stranger approached you, “STRANGER DANGER!”

Do not respond to some random person off the internet who hits up with naked pictures of themselves and they ask you to send some of yourself. Uhm, you do know that people can lift other people’s photos and naked pictures from off the internet and pass themselves off as their own. They can make up a whole complete profile and identity for themselves and you wouldn’t know the difference. STOP RESPONDING TO FOLKS YOU DON’T KNOW ON THE INTERNET.

Do not, and I mean DO NOT send naked pictures or videos of yourself to folks over the internet if you don’t want the pictures to be made public. Hell, don’t even take naked pictures of yourself with your camera phone and have them saved on your phone. It’s a recipe for disaster. Haven’t you all learned anything from the celebrities who get caught up in these naked pictures texting scandals? And, what do you all say when you read about them on the blogs, after you’ve looked at the pictures? “They are so damn stupid. Why they hell would they send their naked pictures to some jump-off and think they won’t expose them?” Yeah, exactly. So, why don’t you think it will happen to you? What makes you exempt from this behavior?

Also, Ms. Freak-A-Leak, do you even know if the anonymous dude is of legal age to be receiving naked pictures of you? Is he over 18? You do know that sending naked pictures to a minor is a felony and you could be charged with child pornography? Ole dumbass! I swear you’ll learn. Take notes and let this be a lesson for you. Now, get yourself in someone’s school and get you some education. Stop running after dudes on the internet because they are “FINE!” How about you run to the store and get you some common sense and street smarts so this won’t happen again? – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I have a pastor question, too. I liked your answers. So, I thought, ok, I will try.

I dated a Pastor, Bishop, Doctor, hell, he is all. I met him online, and fell hard for him. He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Boston. We met after one year of talking on the phones, internet, etc.

Well, come to find out, it was all a big joke and trick. He was either married or engaged. And after I did some research, I learned this is what he does. He gets nasty with woman online, and then goes home and be kind and sweet to his wife. They have children. He has a church, doctor’s office, etc. And, he calls himself the man that walks with God. But, he is not godly

Do I let him go on and get caught? Or, do I warn people? He calls himself a Bishop, a Doctor, Businessman. But I know better. Do I let him ruin others? Or try and stop him. – Almost The Pastor’s Mistress

“I’ve Learned He’s Been Seeing Another Woman For 3 Years & Has A Child With Her”

Dear Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Mistress,

Put his ass on blast. What are you waiting for? I would head over to Kinkos and get a blown up foam poster board with all the text and explicit email conversations printed on it. I would then head to his church and place it in the lobby of the sanctuary. I’d then sit perched in the front row. I’d wait for him to do the altar call and march right up to him, and tell him to lay his hands on me like he said he wanted to do over the phone and in the text messages.

I would also gather the other women he’s been communicating with, and all of you should march defiantly in a single file line inside the church. You all should be dressed in all black – black dresses, big black hats, long black gloves, and the big Jackie O sunglasses. Sit right next to the first lady and introduce yourselves. Say, “Hey girl! Good to see you this Sunday morning. I’m surprised that Mister was able to make it out of bed and get here on time. He was a bad boy last night.” Then slowly trace your lips with your finger.

Then, I would print all of the sexually explicit emails and texts and pictures he sent you and put them in a handout. I’d give them to each of his church members as they receive their weekly Sunday programs.

Trust me, if you don’t put him on blast he will continue to do what he’s been doing and getting away with it because no one will speak up. No one will go toe to toe with him because too many times folks put their pastors and bishops on a pedestal, i.e., Bishop Eddie Long, and when something goes down, they make the victims out to be the criminals and evil conspirators trying to harm and damage their poor pastor’s reputation. SMDH!

It’s sad because ministers, pastors, and bishops have been doing this for so long that it has become the churches inside dirty secret. And, it damages and destroys lives. The longer we keep silent and don’t say anything, the longer this will go on.  At some point someone has to make a stand and be courageous. And, it begins with women like you.

So, let his wife know what’s going, and I’m certain she already knows. Give her all the details, emails, text messages, and phone records. She may be in denial, but let her know that God doesn’t like ugly, and that she should remove the veil from her eyes. I would also call up the local media news outlets. They love stories like these, especially when it’s a man of the cloth, and he claims to be an upstanding citizen in the community. Honey, they will find out all types of dirt about him, including his dirty shenanigans in business. If he’s cheating on his wife, trust and believe, he’s cheating in his professional life as well. Now, get the hymnal book and start singing the old negro spiritual “God is trying to tell you something.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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Top 5 Destinations For Outdoor Lovers

Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

Dating: Time To Go Back to Basics

I Haven’t Dated A Brother Ever Since My Asian/White Ex, And I’m Afraid To Start Again”

www.AngelTyree.com

www.Facebook.com/AngelTyreeJourney

www.ProtectYourRelationship.com

I have been in a relationship with a man for over 12 years. I love him dearly and know that he loves me. My every want and desire he gives me.

I have always suspected that he was cheating and I would have reoccurring dreams about this. He has recently told me that he has been in a relationship with a woman for three years and has an 18 month old child with her. I was obviously devastated with this news. He said that he does love her and there is nothing else between them, other than the fact that they have a child together.

He stated his desire for us to move forward past this and said that he is working on being a better man. But, I still feel a lot of hurt and anger, and the trust is no longer there. We live in different states, which definitely make it easy for him to lie and cheat. However, we commute frequently to see each other, and he said he will move to where I am. But, like I said there is a lot of hurt and anger that I am feeling. I love him and still want to be with him, and on the other hand I just do not know what to do. – Hurt And Confused

“My Man Is On Porn & Dating Websites All Day & It Bothers Me”

Dear Ms. Hurt And Confused,

Are you freaking serious right now? Really? Really! WOW!

The 12 years you’ve been together and 3 of those he’s been in a relationship with another woman and he has an 18 month old child with her, and you’re asking me if whether or not you should remain in a relationship with him. And, homeboy lives in another state as well with the said woman? Please lean close to the computer so I can reach through the screen and punch you in your right eye. The hell you send me this damn letter for!!!

Somebody please give me a shot of “Don’t-Hurt-Em,” and please knock me upside my head for reading this. I think my brain just went on hiatus. And, we all know that your brain is on a long extended 12 year vacation. Come on home, baby.

Now, let’s look at this situation closely. Whew! Jesus be a friend right now. Twelve years you’ve been with him and you’re not married? Twelve years and you don’t live in the same state? Twelve years and all of a sudden he wants to move where you are because he wants to move forward from this situation? Twelve years and now he wants to be a better man? I’m going to let you sit with those questions and let them marinate. It’s taking everything out of me to not look you up, and come and drag you out of your house and shake the –ish out of you until I see some life return into your eyes.

If he hasn’t become the man he wants to be, or the man you need him to be in the 12 years you’ve been together, then it certainly will not happen today, tomorrow, or next week. All of sudden this bum ass fool wants to be a better man because he deceived you for 3 years, bore a child with another woman, and didn’t tell you until the child is damn near two years old!!! Girl, please, please, please do not get too close to me. Not today! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!

Girl, he said to you that he loves her and there is nothing else between them other than the fact that they have a child together. Did you hear what he said, or does that retarded brain of yours do not understand anything that’s happened in the past 12 years?

What else is there to have outside of love? His heart is with her. His love is with her. I want you to pay attention, sweetie, because I know this may be a little fast for you. He has told you that he loves her. HE LOVES HER! Hello?!?!? Are you really that stuck on stupid and stuck on the d**k? Chile, I swear he must know how slow you are. He must have enrolled you in my Academy For Dumbass Women In Long Distance Relationships Who Think Their Man Is Faithful And They Can Tell Them Anything Because Stupid Is As Stupid Does.

In any of those reoccurring dreams you had about him cheating, did you get any insights, any suggestions, any indication of what you did after you discovered he was cheating? Or, were you stuck on the repetitive scene of him cheating? Clearly your psychic skills are lacking. We’re going to have to cancel your reality show, The Psychic Who Knew Too Little.

Let me tell you folks something. What you think and focus on will become your reality. What you give your attention to you will attract. Ms. Thang, you always suspected that he was cheating. The operative word is, “always.” If that is what you always felt then you got what you wanted. You focused on him cheating, and that’s what you always thought. Then guess what: He cheated. Why are you surprised? Why are you shocked and devastated? You shouldn’t be surprised, Ms. Cleo. You did have dreams about him cheating. And, that is all that you focused on.

And, you have to accept some part of the responsibility in this. You allowed yourself to have a relationship with him for 12 years and not get married, nor live in the same state, and you knew he wasn’t –ish from the jump because by his own admission he said that he is working on being a better man. That sounds to me like he’s been a dirty dog from the beginning and you knew, but you chose to look the other way, or accept his behavior. So, please tell me what person in their right mind would allow this? I’ll wait.

And, I’m not going to let asshole of the month get away with what he did either. He needs to be castrated. Like the Rev. Jesse Jackson got caught saying a few years ago on live television about President Obama, “I want to clip his nuts.” What your man did is lowdown, dirty, and trifling. He knowingly engaged in two relationships, deceiving both of you, bore a child with the other woman, and did it for 3 years. You need to be a practicing surgeon the next time you see him and “Clip his nuts.” Because this mofo didn’t and hasn’t been using any protection. He was running up in you and her, raw! WOW! And, I’m certain you two women are not the only ones he’s been dropping his seeds in.

What’s sad is that you gave him 12 years of your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Yeah, darling, what do you have in return? What can you walk away with? NOT A DAMN THING! You can’t get those years back. This fool has a whole other family in the state where he is, and you’re off in Oz trying to see the wizard. LMBAO! Girl, leave that fool alone and get yourself together. Focus on nurturing yourself, your spirit, and reclaiming your life. I’m hoping you’ll see the benefit and lesson in this. You should be glad that he didn’t leave you with a disease, or you don’t have a child with him making you another statistic. You can walk away with your head held high. You have your dignity, grace, and power. Don’t give your power over to him. Don’t allow him to have it. It belongs to you. And, don’t give him anymore of your time and energy. You’ve been letting him deflate and use you for 12 years. Let’s spend the next 12 years working on re-energizing, and re-membering how beautiful, smart, and powerful you are. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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I am going to start out saying that I really don’t know what to do.

I am a single mother of two kids. My son will be 18 next month, and my daughter will be 14 on May the 1st. I have been with the same man for six years, and when we got together I was 28 and he was 43. The man came in treating my kids and I like royalty. He gave us whatever we wanted when we wanted it. Not only that, he helps me provide for my mother and my brother, who is now 39 years old, and living with my mom.

Prevent Health Hazards

Now, this man is a very good mechanic. He works on his own, and makes his own money. And, still right now he does everything that he needs to do as a man, and to keep our house afloat. I guess you are asking if I got it like this with this man, what is my complaint. Well, my complaint is that he uses drugs. Not the green stuff, but the white stuff. That’s our biggest problem. He does good sometimes, and others I just don’t know. I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.

So, I sat and prayed, and prayed and asked God to show me the way. Believe me when I say, I know God have my back. Because out of all that the man is really a good man. Sometimes I try not to judge him, because I have the habit of smoking me a joint every now and then. But, that is way different. He doesn’t judge me, so I feel sometimes why am I judging him. It’s very confusing because my friends say as long as he is taking care of home, and his business then why do I stress so much. Because I guess I stress because it’s the drug of his choice. No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug. I just need some closure, maybe a piece of mine.

My son is going to be graduating in June and off to college he goes, and we have a very open and close relationship, because before I got with this man, it was only my kids and I. He just kind of snuck up on us. But, I have to give much respect to my son because with him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything. As a matter of a fact he and my daughter love the ground he walks on. My daughter is the reason we are still here. She is a very hopeful young lady. She always say, “Momma maybe we can help daddy,” or, “If we leave him, he won’t have no body.”

I really don’t want that to be the reason I stay, and I won’t lie, I love him, I just want him to be and do better. Can you give me a little insight on what I can do to help the situation. There is one thing I do know, if God don’t change the situation, he will give you the strength to handle the situation.  – Loving A Drug Addict

“Should I Ignore The 3 Day Rule & Invite Him To Hang Out?”

Dear Ms. Loving A Drug Addict,

Well, I hate to sound morbid, but I think you should get your affairs in order, and by that I am referring to purchasing a cemetery plot, and making preparations for his passing. To knowingly remain in a relationship with a drug addict then you know what the outcome will be: Death!

And, I don’t want you falling out, wailing and throwing yourself over his casket and causing a ruckus when he does leave this earth. Folks act up and have fits when they know the person was on drugs and acting reckless with their life, but are shocked when they die. Really? Really!

It’s just like the celebrities who do drugs and we watch from the sideline. We see what it does to their life, and to those who love them. It’s unfortunate that we watch celebrities come to their own demise and watch aimlessly as they use drugs recklessly, and then when they pass everyone says, “Well, we could have done more.” Or, “I hope everyone learns from this lesson of the impact of drugs and what they can do to you.” Yet, no one listens. No one thinks it will happen to them.

However, we all have an uncle Tony, or aunt Frankie, and cousin Harold in our family that is on drugs. No one steps in to help them. We turn a blinds eye. Big Momma is the enabler, along with their spouses and mates. Giving them money so they won’t have to steal. Feeding them and staying up late at night pacing the floor waiting for them to return home. And, no one wants them over to their homes for the family events and functions because something will come up missing. All the women are clutching their purses. Then, when the party gets going, they tell everyone they are running to the store and will be right back, but either they don’t return until hours later or not at all.

In your own admission, you stated, “I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.” (*  -  *) Blank stare at you. Dummy! Yes, you dummy. You claim you are living good, (Who the hell is living good with a drug abuser in the home?) but then you say that you can have a whole lot more if he didn’t have his habit. Ugh! I swear you folks don’t think or use half the brain and common sense God has given you. I tell you stupid is as stupid does.

I am appalled at the behavior you are teaching your children. It’s beyond sad. You have taught them that drugs are ok and all you got to do is love the druggie despite the harm they are causing themselves and their family members. What’s even sadder is that your daughter said to you, “If we leave him, he won’t have nobody.” SMDH! Your daughter is going to grow up and repeat the same behavior as you. She is going to choose a man just like mommy has. And, unfortunately she will be “hopeful” that the man will change his ways one day.

And, your son. Sigh! Is that what you really want to show him how a man should be? Is that really a good representation of a good man? A man who, as you say, “With him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything.” WOW! As I’ve said over and over again, you teach people how to treat you. And, your son is getting a good education on how a man treats a woman. (I’m being sarcastic, darling)

Don’t you know that children learn by our actions? They see what we do and repeat it. You are an enabler and you’re both co-dependent on each other. And, on the real, you’re both drug users. Yeah, sweetie, that’s why you say you can’t judge him because your little pot smoking every now and then is just as bad as his coke use. You even said in your own words, “No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug.” So, how can one abuser call out another when they are doing the same thing? Do you people read what you write? You can answer your own damn letters if you pay attention. Chile, I swear the slow gene is taking over the world. I refuse to allow it to fester and grow near or around me. Get back! In the name of Jesus! I command you to get back!

And, let me ask you this, why are you enabling him? Where did you lean that behavior from? What benefit are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Do you feel obligated to him? And, I want to punch each one of your friends in their mouths. Are they in relationships with drug users or abusers? Because that will explain that asinine bull-ish they are telling you. Yeah, they are telling you to stay with him, but they are talking about you behind your back.

I’m curious to know when you met what were you going through. Were you broken? Were you down and out? Were you emotionally and mentally drained? Were you financially strapped?

You keep saying he’s a good man. So, are you trying to convince yourself about his behavior? Are you trying to outweigh his drug use with the good things he does? Please explain. Because I really don’t hope that you think his behavior is that of a good man. Because I’m certain a good man would not purposely hurt those he love, and he certainly wouldn’t be on drugs. A good man would not outwardly teach young people that using drugs is okay, either. But, that is my definition.

Oh, and for the record, if he was 43 years old when you met him six years ago, then by math and reasoning, he’s 49 going on 50, and he’s doing drugs. Uhm, sweetie, I really am going to need for you to get a grip.

And, God helps those who help themselves. If he is not willing to change or seek treatment for his addiction, then there is nothing you can do. An addict has to first admit they are an addict. Then, they have to choose to get help. But, until then, there is nothing you can do. You can offer or make suggestions to him, if he refutes them, then you have to choose to stay and deal with it, which you’re already doing, or walk away and let him deal with his own demons. Oh, yeah, how about you get some help as well. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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If his style was one of the reasons you broke up, check out these tips

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work.  What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself?  Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth.  Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship.

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real.  So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?”

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface.

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother?

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to  make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process.

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be.

Good Luck!

5 Common Mistakes Women Make Verbally That Scare Men Off

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

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I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years.

Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good.

We got married in August and I found out I was pregnant in January. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost.

We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up.

I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. It’s November and my baby’s due and our lease is up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again.  I’m on my last straw, the last days of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again,

Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is!

Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. Your fool damn self is over there listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that.

Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, i.e., He cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.”

Uhm, sorry boo boo, you may have had the pomp and circumstance of a wedding with all your friends and family present, the flower girl, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the thousands of dollars spent on feeding all those damn people, however while you were standing in your off-brand knock-off Vera Wang dress looking starry-eyed professing your vows of marriage, he was lost in space thinking to himself, “How the hell did I end up here? And, which one of these chicks I’m going to bang in the back room.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER.

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly ass broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and in your small ass heads. You thirsty ass chicks wear me so thin! You’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. And, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from these men’s nut sacs!

Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum ass dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in the equation and cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me, there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO!

Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. And, I mean take a good look at yourself, how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his ass. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, what little his broke ass has. And, put his ass on child support payments. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

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I just read an article of yours online and felt the need to inquire more advice from you.

So, here’s the deal: I met this guy 2 weeks ago at a football party. He has text me non-stop, even text good morning and good night every day. Not to mention he text as soon as we get off work. I’m pretty sure he’s a player, but because I see the best in people I am not so good at being a judge of character.

Sunday Brunch at Chicago’s Parrot Cage Restaurant

Ok, so he asked to come over one night but then when I told him he couldn’t spend the night he changed his mind. Then he proceeded to say maybe we can do dinner and a movie one night this week. I said ok. That night came. I asked him what we were going to do and he said a lot of cuddling and kissing. I reminded him that he mentioned dinner and movie. Then he said he would cook for me. After I let him know that he had to bring whatever he was cooking he decided he wasn’t about all that. So, he came over and we just hung out in my living room talking and watching TV. Then he invites me to his softball game, so I go. Then the following Friday night I finally let him sleep over. We had sex, which wasn’t that great actually. Then he came over the next night to a party I was hosting. He spent the night again but we didn’t have sex. The next day (Sunday) he decided that he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He went from wanting to date and possibly a relationship to not knowing. However, he says he doesn’t want to end things completely. I mean seriously???? Thank you for you time – What do I do now??? -  Holding Pattern

“My Boyfriend Wants Me To Add Him To My Credit Cards, But He Makes More Than Me”

Dear Ms. Holding Pattern,

I think things are pretty cut and dry. What are you missing or not clear about? I mean even Stevie Wonder can see this guy’s intentions. It’s not brain surgery or rocket science. He wants S-E-X!

What brain does some of you women, and men operate from? I’m certain that the brain God gave you is not being used or even considered for functional use. If someone invites themselves to your house or for a night of cuddling and kissing, then what about their intentions are you not sure or clear about?

Here’s a memo for all of you out there: IF YOU MEET SOMEONE AND THEY ARE TEXTING AND CALLING YOU LIKE CRAZY AND DESPERATELY AND EAGERLY WANTS TO GET TOGETHER AND HANG OUT AT YOUR, OR THEIR HOUSE, UHM, THEY DON’T WANT ANYTHING SERIOUS WITH YOU. IT’S ALL ABOUT SEX.

And, on the topic of texting; you people and these textual relationships. Do people actually call or dial numbers to hear an actual voice any longer? How can you develop and create a relationship with someone via text? Someone please explain that to me. And, the sad part is that it’s not just the younger generation, but some of you grown ass folks who are participating in this behavior. What the hell?!?!?! But, I digress.

And, another thing, when did dating become going to someone’s house and knowing the both of you are horny asses, but you convince yourself that you have all this restraint and nothing is going to go down, but then guess what happens, “It just happened.” SMDH! Dating is going out and observing someone’s behavior in public and interacting with other people, and especially with you. It’s about going to various places that the you two have in common, or exploring new adventures together. It’s not going to someone’s house and sitting in the living room watching TV. Especially not on the first date. Ugh! I can’t with you people.

But, you obviously found something you liked about him because your dumb ass kept entertaining him and his conversation. So, ask yourself why after several conversations and him being clear about what he wanted that you let him come over, have sex with him, and then get upset when he says he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but that he doesn’t want things to end between the two of you?

You left the door wide open (meaning your legs) with an invitation to your bedroom and bed, and now you want to clutch your cheap ass pearls and act like Ms. I Got Some Values And Morals And Self-Respect For Myself. LMBAO! I can’t do you today. Perhaps you should call your friend and let him do you. I don’t have the time or energy.

So, to answer your question of what to do now? Uhm, hmmm, do you want to be his booty call? Do you want to be his jump-off? Do you, and can you, handle a casual sexual relationship with him? You did state that his sex game was not all that, but I’m certain you can teach him and train him on how to handle you and your cooty-cat. LOL!

That man is not interested in anything more with you other than sex. He’s made that painfully and abundantly clear from the beginning. But, you, and like so many others don’t listen to when someone is telling you who they are and what they want. You figure if you can get them to see how holy and virtuous you are that they will succumb to your light and change their evil and trifling ways. Chile, miss me already.

He wants sex. You don’t. He wants to be friends with benefits. You don’t. What he’s communicating and expressing is not in alignment and part of your desires. Therefore cut your losses, move on, and make a note that this was a lesson learned. Know from this point moving forward that you need to listen and hear when a man is telling you what he wants. If he keeps stressing sex, sexual encounters, sexual contact, intimacy, cuddling, hugging, lounging, caressing, massages, or anything that requires body contact, then he is not interested in being in a relationship. He wants sex. Now, get back on the saddle, and mosey along. I’m certain there is a man out there who wants a relationship and will respect you and your body. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I have been dating since I was 16 years old and have never been single. I’m 28 now. As one relationship ends I find myself in a new one, sometimes within days. I have never been married and have no kids. I have had two 5 years relationship back to back. I am currently dating a guy for the last 2 years now, on and off. Now we are currently off, he wants us to try again but I’m not happy with him. I’m only with him because I don’t want to be alone. I have a fear of being alone.  Am I codependent? And if so, how do I break this cycle? – Dependant On Relationships

“He Cheated, Dumped Me, Said He Loved Her More Than Me, But I Took Him Back”

Dear Ms. Dependant on Relationships,

Well, it’s obvious you’ve identified the problem, now let’s get you a solution.

Codependency generally is the feeling as if you yourself are not enough, and you need someone to fulfill a void that you have within you. And, if you need something, or someone to fill the void within you, then sweetie you will never be happy. You will forever be searching to have someone step in and help you feel adequate, enough, or whole.

You will never get married or have kids because they cannot do what you ultimately need to do for yourself, and that is to love yourself. No one can love you if you don’t love yourself. And, no one can make you happy if you are not happy.

But, on another note, sweetie, your codependency makes you selfish. You are self-centered and self-focused. Any outside force or person taking the attention off of you will make you feel threatened. You are the end all and be all. It’s all about you. But, at the same time you are unhappy and miserable in your relationships because they cannot and never will be able to give you what you need or want. And, quite frankly darling, you don’t know what you need or want because you haven’t identified the root of your problem.

Nothing, or no one can make you feel worthy, enough, or whole but you. The feeling of inadequacy or having a fear of being alone is something you need to find within yourself and look into your past. And, I’m going out on a limb here to say that something happened in your past when you were 16 years old. You stated that ever since you were 16 you’ve never been single. Something happened. Something at that moment changed the dynamics and landscape of your life forever. You were left alone and/or felt abandoned, and when that moment happened you subconsciously made a vow, a commitment to yourself that you would never be alone again because you didn’t like the feeling. Thus, you’ve created this universe, this world where you won’t be alone. Therefore you are committed to not being alone. Regardless of the men who come into your life, you will choose anyone to satisfy the very desire you don’t want to have, and that is to be alone.

Now, recognize the men you’ve been in relationships with. They have not been the most desirable of men, but because you are committed to not being alone, you’ll choose any man to step in and give you a relationship just so that you won’t be alone, even at the sacrifice and well-being of yourself. You want someone to be responsible for your happiness, your joy, and to make you feel loved. That is pure stupidity, insanity, and just asinine.

So, it’s time to reflect back to that moment, that time in your life when you were 16 and identify what happened. Who left you? Who abandoned you? Or, what threat did you feel about being alone at 16? Did a parent leave? Was it someone close to you that left you?

Until you do the work your current relationship is going to end just like your previous relationships. Just as they didn’t bring you any fulfillment or happiness, then neither will he. That is why you are off right now. That is why you stated you are not happy with him. He is not the problem. He is not the solution. You are! Stop looking outside of yourself to have someone fill what’s empty inside of you.

And, to break this cycle you have to do the work. You have to find out what happened and why you don’t like being alone. And, then you have to replace that thought and feeling with something positive. Tell yourself, “I am enough. I am whole. I am complete. I am love. I am lovable. I am responsible for me.” You have to seek happiness and fulfillment with self. You have to learn how to be whole and complete because you are enough. You are complete. When you come to love yourself and know that you have nothing to fear about being alone or codependent on someone, then you will have moved into a space of self-awareness. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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While communication will take a never-ending effort to keep relevant issues that are integral to the relationship alive and pinned up frustrations at bay, here are a few tips to keep the lines of communication flowing openly:

1. Shut up and listen! One of the most important things that you can do for your relationship is to listen to your partner for the sake of validating his/her voice. When listening to your partner try to refrain from interrupting, using body language to negate what is being shared by your partner, and thinking of what you want to say next. Be present. Listen attentively. Reaffirm what you heard him/her say. Respect that your partner has an opinion, valid emotions and a voice within the relationship.
2. Agree to disagree. The beauty of the garden is the difference of the flowers. Fortunately, you won’t always agree on every issue and herein lays an opportunity to respectfully disagree. Make every effort to understand your partners’ point-of-view and if there is no mutual agreement, then by all means – agree to disagree. The key is to be able to talk out those differences free of negative and condescending judgments with intentions of meeting in the middle.
3. Dismiss your ego from the conversation. Sadly, most people would rather be right (or worse, prove the other person wrong) than to be happy. Often it is your ego that fuels arguments, is unwilling to compromise and ultimately destroys the relationship. There must be a relinquishing of “me”, in the sense of ego involvement, to communicate for the sake of the relationships sustainability.
4. Be honest with yourself, first. If you know vital components of your personality to be true that will be pivotal and possibly detrimental to your relationship then it is your duty to accept “who you really are” and share that information with your partner. If you have anger management issues, you are/have been violent in relationships, you like to have multiple partners, you don’t like to keep a steady job, you torture animals…you get the picture. When you lie to yourself about your authentic-self, then you are setting your relationships up for fail – because who you are will eventually present itself once you have relaxed into your comfort zone.
5. Practice healthy detachment. When couples communicate bringing heartfelt concerns, intimate personal details and ideals to the conversation it is important to be detached from your projected outcome. While it is important to stay positive and optimistically anticipate a “happy ending” to the communication, it is equally as important to not be rigidly attached to the final outcome. There has to be flexible room for reaching a common ground that sometimes includes compromise to reach a mutually agreeable outcome.

Mastering good communication skills is necessary for all areas of life; personal and professional. The skills presented here can benefit every area of your life if applied. While there is no absolute that your relationship will last forever, having good communication will assuredly make you a better person and likely attract people to you who are willing to be better communicators. Good luck!

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I am in a relationship with a man 12 years older than me. In the beginning of our relationship it was perfect! He was such a gentleman and knew how to treat me. Fast forward a year later and I began to see his true colors. I found out that he was in a relationship with another woman for 2 years! I was completely shocked and heartbroken. I was the side chick and didn’t even know it. When it was time for him to make a decision he dropped me like a bad habit and made it clear that he loved her more. To make a long story short they broke up (about 6 months later) and I decided to give him another chance. We are going on our third year together and things are good. We go to church and now live together as well. Besides him being insecure and jealous we have a pretty normal relationship. The problem here is that I just can’t let go of the past. There are a few details I left out (because you hate long letters). Should I try and work through it or do what I should have done 3 years ago? – I Can’t Get Over His Past

“I Loaned Money To A Friend And He’s Taking His Time Paying Me Back”

Dear Ms. I Can’t Get Over His Past,

Well, there is nothing I can tell you. You’ve already made your choice. You took him back after he dropped you for the woman he was in a relationship with for two years. (Let’s be clear: They were in a relationship while you were dating him. And, like you said you were the side chick). He told you that he loved her more than he loved you. DAMN! That’s some cold ass –ish. But, when they ended 6 months later he came running back to you and you took him back. (Dumbass – Oops, sorry, that was a Freudian slip). You welcomed him home like the prodigal child. Just as happy and giddy that he came back to you after their relationship ended. I can see you now when he called you up. You were jumping up and down with that auburn wig on your head and doing your happy dance because he chose you, but only after things didn’t work out with the other woman. LMBAO!

So, what do you want me to tell you? You want me to tell you to stay and work it out since you two live together now. He comes home to you at night and you make him breakfast and dinner, and you know what he’s doing and where he is most of the time. And don’t let me forget that you go to church together. So, just because you go to church together you think you’ve made him change his ways. He’s reformed and is in love with you now? Girl, miss me already. (Just so you know I’m giving you the side eye with a smirk on my face). Then, you go on to state that he is insecure and jealous. Hmmmm, well, I know that when insecurity and jealousy are in a relationship it’s generally because the partner is doing the very same things they are accusing you of doing. But, that’s just me and my wisdom and maturity speaking.

But, that’s not why you wrote me, isn’t it darling. You want answers as to if you should stay and make it work or dump him like you should have three years ago. Honey, personally, I wish I might take a man back in my arms, life, and bed after I discovered he was in another relationship with someone else while dating me. And, then have the gall to drop me for them and tell me that he loved the other person more than me. Like our cousin Fantasia sang, “If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself. If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead to someone else.” Or, in the words of our girl, Beyonce’, “So, since I’m not your everything, how about I be nothing, nothing at all to you.” But, that’s just me, dumbass. (Oops, sorry about that. There goes that Freudian slip again).

You’re holding on to the past while trying to create a future with him. Either let the past go, or let him go. However, the problem you made was letting him come back with no reprimand of his actions. You made it too easy for him to return. You returned right back to the behavior and relationship you had when he left. It was as if he never left, never cheated on you, never deceived you, never manipulated you, and never made you feel worthless. He hasn’t paid for what he did to you. Oh, sweet chile, that man needs to pay for his actions. He needs to pay dearly and I’m not talking about a slap on the wrist or some verbal lashing. His paycheck, and I’m assuming he’s working, would be fully deposited into my account each time he gets paid. The mortgage, he would be paying. We would not be renting an apartment. And, I would find the biggest house, too. I would have the car of my choosing, paid in full. He would be showering me with lots of love, affection, and attention. He would make it a point to let me know how much he adores me, loves me, desires me, and with all his heart and all his soul how much he truly needs me in his life and there is no other. Again, that is just me.

But, since you refuse to let what happened go, then perhaps you need to find some closure. And, he can help you with that. It’s time you two sat down and you asked him some real hard questions. Ask him why he never told you about the other woman he was in a relationship with? Ask him that since he loved her more than you and dumped you to be with her, does he still have any feelings for her? Ask him if he is still in love with her. Ask him what really happened that led to them ending their relationship six months later. Ask him what do you mean to him. Ask him why the two of you are not married, and yet you are playing house and you’re living together, dating for the past three years, and there is no ring on your finger or marriage proposal. Ask him where does he see your relationship going. Ask him if he’s seeing any other women, or if he has been with any woman during the time you’ve gotten back together.

Then, I want you to tell him the truth. Tell him that you don’t trust him. Tell him that you haven’t gotten over what happened. Tell him that you are unsure of your present and your future with him. Tell him that you don’t want to play house for another year or three years. Tell him that you want to be married, have a family, and start fresh and new with him. Tell him that you need an authentic and true apology for what he did to you and how he treated you and how he handled the situation. Tell him that he really needs to work on regaining your trust, your forgiveness, your heart, and your love.

If after he answers your questions and you still find it hard to get over what happened, then you need to let him go. You need to remove yourself from the relationship and heal. Stop being bitter, angry, and hurt. You are choosing those emotions and feelings. Trust me, he has gotten over what he’s done. He’s not even thinking about it. You’re still holding on to it. Thus, your relationship is not authentic. It is unstable, and there is no trust. By the way, it’s obvious that going to church with him is not working because if it was then you’d have developed some spiritual muscle and wisdom to forgive him, move on, and stop suffering in silence. You’re just there for show. So, stop sitting in church pouting with your arms folded across your chest and that auburn wig sitting crooked on your head, and let God work in your life and everything will become clear. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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As I got  opinions on the topic, I couldn’t help but wonder why such a debate was so hard to answer in the first place? Why is it so hard to define the two?

Why do they even exist in the first place? What are the implications in being “thick” and those in being “fat”?

One person said that if your stomach pokes out more than your breast, congrats your fat! But what about those people who are apart of the itty-bitty titty committee? Fat by default?

Another said if a person is sloppy and have flab that hangs in all the wrong places.

One even dared to say, “fat” is a person who is self-conscious, and, overall, has zero flavor, they’re fat versus “thick” as well kept, clean, confident, and exudes copious amounts of flavor.

So if you’re 800 lbs., but hey you can dress, you’re thick?

Generally, people had a very hard time answering a question that I assumed we all knew the answers to. Responses got so complex that sub-levels of thick and fat began to show up.

I never knew there was a “big girl” thick, a “fat girl” thick, and a “skinny girl” thick. What happened to the good old days when you were either skinny or fat?

And why do we consider being thick (which, I was told, is just a happy meal away from fat) to be ideal?And why is fat just not hot?

Take this scenario into thought. Ladies, have you ever been out and about, and a guy attempt to talk to you and give you compliments? If  he calls you “thick” are you offended? Are you ready to curse him out? Do you take off your earrings and pull out the vaseline? Of course not! You’d feel good.

But think back to when Forever 21 launched their sister collection, Faith 21, for plus size women. They indirectly linked Kim K to their plus-size collection, which caused Kim to have a bit of a temper tantrum. Let’s be real, Kim is not really a “big girl”  but does have a whole lot of “big girl” assets.

Are thick and fat the same?

Where does thickness  end and fatness begin? And why is “fat” such a horrible thing?

And really what’s the big damn deal?

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Three months later I married her friend thinking this was where I was supposed to be but I was wrong. She got pregnant and it turned out that it wasn’t even my baby. Yes it was some, “You are not the father type bulls**t.” I’ve never been done so dirty in my life. By the way my stepfather turned out to be the father. Anyway I ran into my ex wife about six months ago and we started hanging out again. We have this amazing friendship that somehow I missed out on when we were married.

Recently I’ve come to realize I still love her and I want her back. I know I messed up, but a brothas willing to beg like a fat man at KFC with no wallet. To make matters worse she told me that at the time all our divorce drama was going on she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel like s**t now.  I know she feels something for me but I can tell she’s still hurting. She’s in remission now but she’s so fragile and I don’t wanna force my feelings on her.

I know we belong together I just need her to trust me again. What do I do man? What do I do?  I’VE BEEN A DAMN FOOL

“I’m Seeing A Married Man, And He’s Waiting Until His Son Turns 18 To Leave His Wife”

Dear Mr. I’ve Been A Damn Fool

(@     @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

Are you serious right now? I mean, really? You can’t possibly be writing me thinking your wife is going to take you back. If your wife is even remotely considering taking you back she would be the DAMN FOOL!

The hell is wrong with your silly trifling no-good need your nuts clipped bull-ish are you on? You cheated on your wife with her best friend, then turned around and married the trick – (You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife). Your wife wanted to work things out, but you were so caught up on the ill na-na, because that was some community p***y. She gets pregnant and come to find out it’s not your child but your stepfather’s. And, you have the gall and audacity to say, “I’ve never been done so dirty in my life.” I can’t believe you wrote that line with any ounce of sanity!! HOW DARE YOU!?!?! I wish I could grip you in a headlock and strangle your ass to stop the air from getting to the rest of your small ass brain.

HELLO!  As dirty as you did your wife the karma that has bit you on the ass is only a small sampling of what’s to come.

Then you wrote, “We have this amazing friendship that somehow I missed out on when we were married.” Chile, SMDH! Let me ask you this, do friends do what you did to your wife? Do friends betray, deceive, and manipulate one another? You are clearly delusional if you think you and your wife are friends. I’m certain she would say something different in regards to your relationship. I’m sure your wife is singing Beyonce’s song, “Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodged a bullet….You turned out to be the best thing I never had.” She is all the better without you. Trust and believe if she is thinking of taking you back it is only to get revenge. But, because the spiritual goodness in her heart will not allow her to do so, she is smiling in your face and hopefully forgiven you for what you did to her, and she is reveling in this moment of, “See, I knew your no-good ass would come running back to me. You missed out on this good thing and didn’t realize how good you had it. So, now you’ve come crawling back wanting to get back with me.” No sir. It ain’t happening. Not going to happen.

And, Mr. Ass-Hole Of The Year, before you cheated on your wife did you think about how much you belonged together while you were laying up with her best friend? Before you asked your wife for a divorce did you think how you may be hurting your wife by sleeping with her best friend? And, before you married your wife’s best friend did you give any consideration into how wrong and trifling it was, and how your wife was probably emotionally and mentally damaged and betrayed by two people she loved? Naw, you didn’t think about any of that. You were so wrapped up in yourself, your needs, your selfish desires, and what your d**k wanted that you betrayed your wife. You stole her trust. You destroyed her dreams. You crushed her spirit. And, you’re asking me how can you get her back and gain back her trust? WOW! I truly think you are touched in the head, and I mean both of them.

Let me ask you this and I want you to be really honest with yourself – If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife cheated on you with your best friend, then came to you and asked for a divorce, and three months later she married your best friend, but it didn’t work out between them, and she came back to you asking you to take her back, would you take her back? Would you get back into a relationship with her? Would you remarry her? If your answer is “no,” then why the hell would you think your wife would consider the possibilty of getting back with you? I truly believe with all my might, all my spirit, and all my being that many of you have the slow degenerate gene in you. Something happened to damage your emotional and mental growth. And, the bull-ish you all do and put yourselves in truly is a result of the stumped growth in your development into adults.

By the way, since you were sharing community p***y, have you been tested for any diseases? Have you gone through a spiritual cleanse to remove her spirit from yours? Have you sought spiritual counseling to reprieve of your soul and get right with yourself? Have you apologzied to your ex-wife for what you did to her? Have you asked for authentic and true forgiveness for the damage you caused her?

Instead of trying to jump back into a relationship with your ex-wife, how about you get into a relationship with yourself. How about you understand who you are, and why you did what you did. How about you work on getting yourself together emotionally, mentally, and physically. And, if you truly want to be a friend to your ex-wife, just be supportive of her and her recovery during the remission of her cancer. An intimate relationship should be the last thing on your mind. What she needs more from you is an apology, asking her forgiveness, and letting her know that you are there if she needs you for support. She’s dealing with a lot and as you’ve stated, her emotional, mental, and physical being are fragile. She doesn’t need any stress. She doesn’t need to be worrying, or returning to an emotional roller coaster you took her on. You should simply let her know that you’re available for her, and allow her to reach out to you if she wants or needs you for anything. And, simply just be an ear for her. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Please give me your honest opinion! I started seeing a good friend over two years ago. We love each other. He is my soul mate, which is something you only find once if you’re lucky. I believe fate made him tell me how he felt, which was such a relief because I always felt the same about him. I filed for divorce a week before he told me and have since then divorced. He says until his son is 18, he won’t leave, which is in about 3years. Because of his line of work he had, he missed about 6 years of his life, so I understand that part. Our children are friends. We adore each other’s children, but nobody knows are secret, especially the children.

We get along wonderful. The sex is terrific. The only thing I miss is not being able to be with him whenever I feel like it. I’ve been told by men and even woman how beautiful I am. It really wouldn’t be hard to get a 24/7 boyfriend, but I want him. I never in a million years would’ve thought as myself as the other woman or would want this done to me, but you can’t help who you fall in love with. He isn’t happy with his wife, and it’s very obvious if you were to see them out in public.

We always hung together at functions and no matter who was around we would just flirt, crack jokes, etc. We even attended a party, not together, and I actually had one of my exes cousins say to me, “Is that your boyfriend?” Because of the situation I said no, we are just friends and he told me that whatever we claim to have it’s more than that. The way we would glance at each other and the way our body language was, he said hold on to whatever it is that we have because it’s rare to find that chemistry. Now mind you, this is someone I hadn’t seen in 10+ years from my ex’s side. Over the years before we even started secretly seeing each other, people always would question us. I love him so much and would have no problems spending the rest of my life with him, but is it wrong for me to want to grow old with this man? Like I said, he’s my soul mate, my lover and my friend. We have tried to break it off 5 times over almost 2 1/2 years for the sake of his family and son, yet we always end up back together. Please tell me you have good advice!

Please don’t include my email on a response. I don’t need a bunch of crazies emailing me, but I do hope to get your answer. – Loving A Married Man

“My Husband Had An Affair & Child With Our Former Boss & I Want Them To Respect Me!”

Dear Ms. Loving A Married Man,

He is married. He is not your man. He is not yours. He does not belong to you. You are the sidepiece. You are the side chick. You’re something to do until there is resolution with his wife, and until he gets tired of you. Because eventually he will get tired of you as well.

And, the very karma and drama you are keeping up with a married man, it will come back to you. Trust and believe!

For the record, I don’t care who justifies or approves or give their thumbs up to your flirting, glancing at one another, and body language. The man is married.

But, you know what, why am I giving you advice. Your silly and dumb ass is going to do what you want to do anyway. Why are you asking me for advice when you have already made up in your mind what you are going to do? You want me to justify your illicit affair? You want me to tell you, “Yes, girl, you can’t help who you love, and wait on that man. It sounds like you two are destined to be together.” Girl, get the “F” out of here with that bull-ish!

Think about this – He has told you that he is not leaving his wife until his son turns 18 years old. Why is that? Oh, my bad, he gave you some bull-ish answer that because his job had him out of his son’s life for 6 years he wants to make up for that time, and he’s going to remain married to his wife? Does that make any got damn sense to you!?! What does his wife have to do with him spending time with his son? He doesn’t have to remain married to his wife in order to be in his son’s life. Especially if he is soooooo unhappy in his marriage. Why be with someone if you are sooooooo unhappy? Remaining married for the ‘sake’ of the child is a lame and poor excuse to not get a divorce. Please do not put it off on the child. Is the real reason is that it’s because he’s trying not to pay child support? So, he is willing to remain miserable, unhappy, and drag her through his misery for the sake of saving money for a child he helped to produce? But, in the meantime, he’s found a woman, YOU, to give him some sex, attention, time, and a shoulder to lean on until he decides to leave his wife in three years? Tricks come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. And, you, my dear, are a trick!

Girl, I tell you, stupid is as stupid does. You sit and wait on him all you want, but I’m going to tell you this – When his son turns 18 and you discover he doesn’t get the divorce, then what are you going to do? Or, if he does go through with the divorce what makes you think he is going to jump into another marriage so quickly, and with you? A lot can happen in three years. And, in those three years while you’re sitting at home waiting on him, and those lonely holidays – Thanksgiving; Christmas; New Year’s; July Fourth; Memorial Weekend; Labor Day Weekend; Valentine’s Day; and he’s with his family, and you’re with a bottle of wine crying and hoping he’ll call you or sneak out and spend an hour or two with you, he is still living his life and being a family man to his wife and child.

You say that you’ve tried to break if off 5 times, but you do realize he is not going to let his secure p***y go. You’re on reserve. You’re on an indefinite hold. He is not letting you get away. He needs somewhere to lay his troubles, and dump his nut. I think the term best used here is, “nut rag.”

Both of you are selfish, immature, and deceitful. You sneak out to see one another. You sneak around trying to keep your lust for one another under wraps. And, as you said, “No one knows our secret.” LMBAO! Well, as I told a woman who was dating a friend of mine and she said that same ass stupid –ish to me, “We are keeping our relationship a secret because we don’t want everyone in our business.” And, I politely told her, “As you’re sitting her bragging about your secret relationship, honestly, I wouldn’t allow someone to deny me in public, or keep me as some secret side piece.” And, you know what happened? Yes, lo and behold, he dumped her a few months later after he met a woman while at the gym. By the way, he married that woman a few weeks after meeting her.

So, while you’re bragging about your secret love affair, you do realize he loves the fact you’re keeping his secret. No man wants anyone to find out their dirt and skeletons. But, those are the games little boys and little girls play. I won’t say he is a man because a real man wouldn’t be playing these games. A real man would be honest and upfront with his wife and wouldn’t lead her on. He would leave so that they both can be happy. A real man would take on his responsibilities with dignity. A real man wouldn’t be playing these games and sneaking around like he is in high school. But, I forgot, yet again, when you’re not playing with a full deck, it’s easy to get a dumb ass chicken-head to think she’s the one he’ll leave his wife for.

So, go ahead and wait on him. Think this is love and he’s your soul mate. Allow the d**k to convolute the rest of your small ass brain. Keep hope alive that he is going to run into your arms in three years when his son turns 18. Hit me back up in three years and let me know how things are going. As a matter of fact, hit me up in a year and give me an update. I’m certain things will not be the same. And, know that your little secret is not a secret. Everyone already knows. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

True Or False? “Don’t Date A Man You Wouldn’t Want To Have Kids With”

My husband cheated on me a couple of years ago and as a result he had a daughter with this woman who claims to be our friend, and she was our Boss at one point. I found out when she served him papers for child support. I was devastated after six years of marriage. I wanted to call it off, but he convinced me that he did not want anything to do with them, and didn’t want to have a life with her only with me, and have a family of our own one day

Since he knew I didn’t want him to have any contact with the woman, but in order to know about his daughter, which looks a lot like him, he stared calling behind my back. I found out after I saw a text from her. We argued and he told me that he wanted to know his daughter and it was killing him inside missing time with her.

Finally, I made a decision. I went to talk to this lady in person and told her what my husband wanted and that I was 100% supportive as long as we stay clear of what the purpose is – which is the girl to know and build a relationship with her dad. She said yes to me. We meet and spend time with them. Everything was looking way to good to be true. My husband and I agreed he would only speak to her in front of me, and only about the girl. Unfortunately, things were too good to be true. It turns out this woman requested time alone with my husband, and for him to tell her if he really doesn’t want anything with her. And, if I’m around they were to get a code word so she knows when they are on the phone. He told me he called her from a friend’s cell so I wouldn’t see the numbers if I checked our lines. He claims this is the only way to end whatever doubts this woman has. I’m so frustrated and disappointed at myself and don’t know what to say anymore.

I want him to have a nice relationship with his daughter. She is only three and a half now, and I want to be strong to deal with this woman, but not like this again. How can I convince him to see that giving her that time alone or not having calls around me will make her think he still doesn’t respect me or give me my place? How can I put it in words that he can understand last? Note: They don’t have custody together yet – He Needs To Understand

“My Husband Tells Me To Leave Him & That He Hates Me, But I Know He Loves Me”

“He Admitted To Being With A She-Male But Only After I Discovered Info On His Computer”

Dear Ms. He Needs To Understand,

Uhm, sweetie, you sound like a correctional officer and parole officer. You want to monitor his every move with this woman, who was both your boss at one point, and whom he cheated on you with, and then she bore a child. Girl, I can’t today. But, I’m going to let that marinate in your thick ass skull for a minute.

Chile, how the hell are you going to monitor and control their relationship? You are going to sit by the phone as they speak each time she calls? You’re going to ride shotgun in the car when he goes to see his daughter? Girl, please stop. Stop this silly –ish. They are grown ass adults. You want to tell him when he call her, spend time with his daughter, get your permission to do this, and can only do all of this in your presence. LMBAO! You sound really silly.

Since today is Basic Wednesday, I’m going to give you a Basic Answer. NEWS FLASH: SHE IS GOING TO BE IN YOUR LIFE FOREVER! HE HAS A CHILD WITH THE WOMAN.

If you can’t handle this bit of important information and their relationship, then you need to get a divorce ASAP!  The child is only three and half years old. You do realize she is still a child. She hasn’t even got to pre-teen years, teenage years, and a young woman, yet. Girl, this road is going to get worse and bumpier as you travel on it. If you can’t deal with it now, then get out NOW!

But, let’s get something abundantly clear – Your husband cheated on you. Your husband has been deceitful and manipulative and he continues to be deceitful and manipulative. You only found out about the whole hotmess.com after he was served with papers for child support from the woman, your former boss. Otherwise, he would have never told you. So, his behavior and what he continues to do and show you are a result of who he is. GIRL, WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM!!! Big dummy!

All of his actions point in one direction: He’s a liar. He can’t be trusted.  And, then he goes behind your back and conspire with the woman, your former boss, whom he cheated with and bore a child, (I’m going to drive that point home), and they create a code word so they can have secret conversations, and he went out of his way to use a friend’s cell phone to call her. Hmmmm, what does that tell you about your husband? Again, I’ll let that marinate in your thick ass skull.

You’re so busy trying to be superwoman, correctional officer, and parole officer trying to prove you’re understanding, and willing to get along with all of this drama and ignorant bull-ish that you are failing to miss the entire big picture: HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE.

It’s time to get yourself some self-esteem. Some respect. Some self-worth. Some backbone. And, pull your big girl panties up and bounce up out. They deserve to be together. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect your marriage. He doesn’t care what you think or say. He is going to do what he wants to do. So, let that MF run amuck. He’ll learn his lesson, and trust and believe he’ll come running back to you on his hands and knees begging you to take him back. But, hopefully you will have moved on, and found a new man one who respects loves and cherishes you. – Your Gay Best Friend

I was so scared to write to you because you are brutally honest.

Anyway, I am a 23-year old black female and have been married since I was 19 years old. My husband is 27 now. He was 23 when we got married. Yeah I know I was young, but I love my man. I really do. I’d do anything for him and he knows it but I think he uses that to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong I am not an angel.

First, I moved from Seattle to Boston at 19, quit my job, left college (but am back in school now here in Boston). I have no family or true friends here in Boston. My mom does not agree with my decisions but her and I have been having problems since the beginning of time. She’s 38 and I am 23. We fight like sisters. But back to my man. When we first started things were ok, but things changed quickly. We started fighting. He had anger and trust issues because of his past. He was emotionally abusive and that took a while to stop, but he did. Things got really rocky when I missed my family so much that I moved back west for 6 months. When I came back to Boston, things were even worse, but we worked thru it. It was the worst time of my life. I cried like every day. Remember I said I ain’t no angel but I am not a cheater or a liar. I just talk a lot of -ish when am being attacked. I mean I take low blows when I feel like I am being attacked and I have a hard time listening when I am mad. Mind you, I did not have a father figure so I really did not know how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

Long story short, the beginning of this year things were almost perfect. I mean I’ve never been happier with him. But all that changes when we have little normal disagreement. When I mess up like any human would and he verbally attacks me like he used to (not as bad though) I do not take low blows like I used to. I tell him how I feel in a mature way, but he uses that as ammo and keeps saying he’s tired of this -ish, he can’t do this -ish, and if I can’t deal with things, “just leave me dog,” (those are his exact words). It’s freaking hurtful to hear that after all I’ve put up with. And, it’s a lot – from spitting in my face (that was the very beginning of our relationship) to pouring water on my hair, to calling me all sort of names, and some pushing. I threw dishes at him when he did that and he called the cops on me, but he was the one who went to jail cause he was making a scene at our condo complex.

Anyways, I am just so confused and I finally got my dignity back to stand up to him and tell him as it is. But, all he keeps saying is just leave me, or if you can’t handle what I expect from you then you should have never been with me. I do everything from cooking, cleaning, getting him ready for work, looking cute for him, buying gifts, watch games with him. I mean I do everything from my heart… I am his homie and lover. And, I really don’t mind doing those things as long as I get the love and respect I give him). Then he goes on saying that he hates me. It’s so hard for him to apologize. I mean I don’t expect perfection but damn can I get respect?

OMG! He also complains about the littlest things. Like, if the house is a lil messy, not dirty (he’s a clean freak but I am not), he starts saying I need to clean the entire house from dusting to taking down spider webs that I can’t see but he can. He just wants the house spotless. I HATE it when he does that because I do me. And, when I do clean he pretty much goes over the whole house to make sure it’s clean. I just leave and have a cigarette.

I’ve matured over the years with him, but it’s like why do I keep hearing this -ish of just leave me dog or I hate you? I mean I hear that at least once a week. I never ever say -ish like that to him. I am at the point of really taking him serious and leaving. I have a hard time making that decision because when I went back home to see my family, I left him with no job (he was collecting unemployment) and he had to pay all the rent and utilities on that unemployment check. I mean it’s not like the check was little. He could survive, but ever since I left, he uses that against me so much that I can’t decide on leaving. But, I am at the point of  “F” it… whatever.” But, when he comes around to his senses he always finds a way to my heart again. I mean always.

I ask myself why do I let him do this. Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? I am not bragging about us but people envy us. We are both attractive. I’ve fought women over him and vice-versa. And, we do well for our age. So, it’s like should I walk away with my respect or should I stay. I love him so much though. I am so confused. I am independent. I pay my own bills. I have my own car, and pay for my school. So, it’s not like he really supports me. Please help!!! Confused Young Wife

Dear Ms. Confused Young Wife,

Chile! This letter right here is many, many things! Gurl!

You had me up until the end.  That’s when all the contradictions came pouring out.

I really wonder if you all read your letters before you send them…..wait, why am I asking that question. Of course you do. But, you’re so in denial about your situation that you can’t see and hear yourself. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. And, especially one that can’t comprehend, or rationalize.

You asked me, and yourself, why do you let him do this to you – Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? Uhm, boo boo, earlier in the letter you said he was collecting unemployment. So, what lifestyle are you accustomed to? You rent a damn apartment. You don’t own a home! And, what type of car is he balling in with bouts of unemployment? And, if you say he has swagger, and that’s what swagger is then uhm, I’ll pass. Swagger is overused and overrated.

Then you go on to say that you are independent. You pay your own bills. You have your own car and pay for school. Uhm, again sweetie, if you’re married, then how are you independent? Why are you paying your own bills? If you’re married shouldn’t the two of you be one unit? You’re no longer independent, but are one entity. Your bills are his bills and vice-versa. You share everything. But, this is what happens when hood ghetto ass people get together and marry. You’re still trying to hold on to your independence while you’re married to a man. Girl, stop it! Stop it right now and let go of that, “I’m independent. I got my own –ish. I don’t need a man. I can do bad all by myself,” ghetto ass talk!

Chile, I can’t do you people today. This is why you should wait until you’re old enough, mature enough, and have dealt with your psychology, emotional, and mental issues before involving someone else in your mess, and then marrying them.

This ghetto love is just that – GHETTO LOVE. All this talk of, “I love my man. I’m down for him. We fight like cats and dogs, but the make-up sex is the bomb. I’ll cut a bish for my man. I don’t play!! We call the cops on each other and, yeah, he hits me sometimes, spits in my face, pours water on my hair, and mushes me in the face, but I love him and he loves me.” SMDH! This is insanity. Pure insane and asinine bull-ish that you ghetto ass people go through on the daily to prove that you got a man, or woman, and that you love someone. THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS GHETTO HIGH SCHOOL IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AND IT’S A RESULT OF YOUR GHETTO ASS PARENTS.

You clearly have unresolved issues surrounding your mother, and absent father. You have emotional and mental issues that have not been addressed, and yet you found a man when you were 19 and he was 23. You found your “Daddy.” I call it the, “Looking For Daddy Syndrome.” And, you found a man to replace the missing dad in your life to take you away from the anguish, heartache, pain, agony, and unworthiness you felt. Your unresolved issues of feelings of no self-worth, low self-esteem, and not good enough were all replaced by a man who made you feel good, and gave you some good sex. You equated sex with love, and that misplaced and misunderstood emotional and physical pleasure made you think your mental problems were solved.

Girl, there is so many issues and challenges with you and your letter that I can’t today! I told you all that I’m not interested in your pity parties, sob stories of a life of unhappiness and a man who makes you feel like –ish. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get the hell out!! If you don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, then why the hell are you still in the relationship with them? Get the hell out!!! If they are not adding to you, building you, inspiring you, empowering you, encouraging you, or loving you without conditions or restrictions, then get the hell out!!!! It’s that damn simple people!!!

Hmmmm, just a quick question while I’m thinking of it – Isn’t ironic that the very things you were running from at 19 from your family, you found it in your husband? Yeah, all those mental and emotional issues are showing up in your marriage with your husband. You chose your past and made it your present and future. That’s what sex and d**k will do to you. Make you lose focus and forget what your problems are. D**k is a dangerous drug. I keep telling you folks that. You’re going to listen.

Then your husband tells you consistently to leave him, and that he hates you. You do realize that the word “hate” is a strong and powerful word. It’s pure displeasure, and a strong dislike. Now, you’re asking me what to do when he says this to you. Do me a favor and move those weaved blond highlights from your eyes and let me punch you in the face!!! If he tells you on a weekly basis to leave him and that he hates, then leave him because he hates you! HELLO!!!!

Why do you keep putting yourself through this agony? Why put up with this pain? Why put up with this man who hates himself, doesn’t care for you, and basically doesn’t care about your marriage? Answer those questions. And, be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free. But, I’ll tell you this if someone kept telling me to leave and how much they hated me, I’d leave their ass sitting in their own misery and I’d do it when they went to work. Pack all my –ish and bounce. Change my numbers. Change my emails. Hell, I’d go through an entire metamorphosis of change.

I strongly recommend marriage counseling, and some personal counseling for the both of you for emotional and mental health issues. You both are emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing one another. It’s time to stop the madness. Stop the turmoil. And, stop this GHETTO LOVE! It’s not cute. And, for the record, people are not envious of you and your relationship, they actually feel sorry for the both of you. How two people can tear each other down yet claim they love one another is pure comedy. But, misery loves company, and stupid is what stupid does. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I was hot between the legs and now I’m in a hot mess! I’m trying to have a sense of humor but really I just want to cry. This is the thing, I’m 6 weeks pregnant, 24 years old, and have 2 more semesters left in college. I’m studying to get my bachelors in finance and I’m happy to be almost done! My graduation date is May 2012 and my baby due date is April 2012. The guy that I’m pregnant by is 27 years old, has a degree in accounting but the dummy doesn’t use his degree. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t work at all now, doesn’t have his own place (he’s at his moms), and has no car. I have a 2-bedroom townhouse, a vehicle, job, school, and trying to start up my business which may have to wait until after I graduate because I have no money to put into my business now.

I always said that I wanted to wait until I’m 30 years old or close before having a baby and I wanted to be married. So, this is not want I wanted at all. The time me and this guy had sex, I knew he skeeted in me so I took a Plan B pill two or three days later, so I thought I was good. But, weeks later I discovered that nope, I’m not good, got pregnant anyway!! Yes it’s my fault for opening my legs with no protection. I know, but still I thought the Plan B was going to save me. I have no diseases. I had an annual exam 2 weeks before having sex with him and another STD test after I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago.

When I told him I was pregnant he was happy, very emotionally supportive. He went to a family get together and even passed up alcohol because he said that he wanted to do this with me and wanted to be sober for the next 50 years for his child. He already addresses the baby by a name that he created, but to me all this don’t mean nothing because he don’t have no money! So, I’ll get to the point.  Here it is – He has a bright idea to go to New York, hit one of the avenues (as he says) and look for work. He has no money to go and he is on his way out there on a bicycle, not a motorcycle but the kind with the pedals. We live in Texas! He said it will take him a week or two to get there but the only reason he is going is because he doesn’t want to work out here. Now, he feels it’s the time to follow his dream and make some money for his baby on the way. He said that he will talk with me daily and will start sending money as he makes it and will be back in time for the baby’s birth.

Personally I think this is the dumbest crap ever and I feel like damn, what did I get myself into? I don’t want to be a single parent. If I did I wouldn’t have had 2 abortions in the past, one when I was 20 and again at 21. I know I know. But, I feel like I may need to get another one and keep my legs closed for real until I’m married to the type of man that fits me. A man that has his stuff together!

Now this guy that I’m pregnant by said that if he stays here in Texas, he’s just going to be at my house with the baby. He’s not going to work because he’s already looked out here and it’s no jobs. Okay, we live in Houston. It’s plenty of jobs. I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. I told him that I don’t take care of grown men and if he want to live with me, he need to be paying something and he also need to get a car because I have my own schedule and I need to be handling my business. My success is very important to me and I can’t let a man slow me down. He’s supposed to add to me not take away. I don’t know what to do because he says that he wants to get married by the time the baby comes. He says all other women are off limits to him now because he finally got what he wanted and if he cheats on me he’ll be cheating on his child. He says 20 years from now if someone asks him who the last person he had sex with, it’ll still be me.

I mean all this sound good, but on the financial end he’s not bringing anything to the table. He’s not even being realistic to think that he can go to New York and make a nice chunk of money within 8 months. I told him just use his degree and work here and then we can move together after I graduate. At least by then we would have time to find a spot to live and have jobs lined up. We can go prepared instead of him leaving me pregnant and going out there without anything and no place to live, no money for food, nothing.

I don’t want to get another abortion because I feel that it would kill me emotionally, but I don’t want to be with a bum. But, then I also don’t want to be a single mother but those are looking like my options right now. But then again you never know he may succeed at what he’s aiming for in New York and come back with a ring and some money! Yeah right. He wants to be in the entertainment industry now, but I feel that it’s too late for that. He needs to use his degree and possibly start a business later on or something. How does he expect to make it entertainment now?

If I get an abortion I probably will never speak to him again. I would just move on with my life and be sure to never get in a situation like this again. I might not even have sex again until I’m married. But if I keep the child, I don’t know what I’ll do. I guess just continue with my goals, love the child, educate the child, and not let the child stop my success but instead motivate me for more but it’ll be sad not to have the dad around I think. I don’t know, please enlighten me. – Child Or No Child

“He Admitted To Being With A She-Male But Only After I Discovered Info On His Computer”

Dear Ms. Child Or No Child,

Whew! Girl, that letter took me through it! Lawd!!! I told y’all about these long ass letters.

But, I’m not going to waste time as you did and I’m going to address your points.

You’ve basically answered your own letter several times, and I’m not sure you’re paying attention. The long and short of it is that you’re going to have the baby, and hope for the best from your man as he treks from Houston to New York, via bicycle, to find a job. LMBAO! Girl, I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! He is willing to get on a two wheel bicycle with pedals and ride all the way to New York City. LMBAO! Please baby Jesus make it stop!

But, you got to love him for his tenacity. He certainly has ambition, and though it may seem a little far-fetched for him to ride a bicycle to NYC, (ROTFLMBAO!), but you don’t recognize his drive and willingness to do something. But, that’s what happens to a woman who claims she’s so independent, got her own thing, don’t need a man, and ain’t nobody going to stop her from success! Chile, not even your unborn baby is going to prevent you from succeeding. Yeah, you said that in the last paragraph – “I guess just continue with my goals, love the child, educate the child, and not let the child stop my success but instead motivate me for more but it’ll be sad not to have the dad around I think.” Now, I understood what you meant, but I hate when people use a child as a motivating factor to do things in their life. A child is not some incidental aspect of your life. It’s not there to help you get focused and find love and do something with yourself. A child is a human being. Not a toy, or piece of paper.

And you claim you are so driven and so focused, but yet you won’t keep your legs closed. D**k is a dangerous drug. Especially raw d**k! You wouldn’t be in this predicament if you’d stayed focused on school education and not sex education.

Girl, you say you don’t want to get an abortion, but if you do then you might not even have sex again until you’re married. The operative word in that statement is “might.” You didn’t say you wouldn’t, you said you “might not.” So, obviously you have not learned your lesson. This pregnancy, or any other pregnancy in the future, is not going to prevent you from not using protection, or letting dudes run up in you raw. And, although you’ve had 2 abortions previously, at 20 and 21 years old, you still are willing to get your freak on regardless of the outcome. SMDH! Here’s another classic case of someone who is doing for herself, going to college, but yet still have hood rat thoughts.

The man sounds like a good dude. He sounds like he’s willing to take ownership, and be responsible. Yes, this has lit a fire under his ass to get a job, do something with his life, and be a father to his child. But, of course that is not good enough for you because his dreams and ideas are too lofty for you. Yet, you let him run up in you raw. You laid down with him and despite your past record of getting pregnant and having two abortions, you played this game yet again. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!

Why are you beating him down even before he starts? Why are you knocking his dream and his goals and desires? Oh, I get it. It’s because you got pregnant, and you’re blaming it on him, and this is an interruption into the plans that you had for yourself. You’re mad at him instead of being mad yourself. You’re upset with him because he can just get up and leave, and you can’t and won’t. Chile, I don’t know why this man would want to marry you. I hope he finds out what he’s getting himself into before he decides to walk down that aisle. He is headed for disaster and a life of nagging and arguments from and by YOU!

I say you two need to come up with a plan. Give him six months to go to New York and look for a job. Within the six months he should secure employment, housing, and then bring you to New York. Now, I do agree that he should look for employment in Houston. I don’t understand why an educated man with a college degree says that he can’t find a job there. Unless he’s not really looking, and he truly desires to be in New York, thus he is thwarting his own job search. And, the reality is that the recession is everywhere, even here in New York. Can you imagine? LOL! Anyway, if he feels this is where he needs to look for a job, then let him come. Let him get a taste of life here in New York City. It’s not as easy as most people think. Finding housing is a job within itself. It may take two to three months to find an apartment. And, unlike Houston where you can move-in with rent specials and only pay first month’s rent. In New York you need first, last, and to pay a fee. So, you’re looking at up to $2,500 to $3,500 just to move in. Yeah, it’s not cheap.

So, sit down with him, devise a plan with yours and his expectations in going to New York. How much time will you give him to find a job and housing? Where will he initially stay while he’s in New York looking for a job? Do you plan to marry before the baby is born, or after, and when? While he’s doing all of that, you can keep stacking your money, getting things in order at home in Houston just in case he has to come back home, and don’t make him feel bad if he has to come home. I can hear you now, “I told you so. You can’t handle New York. You need to find a job and do something here. I can’t do this all by myself. And, go upstairs and change the baby’s diaper. I got to go. You need to step up and be a dad.” Just relax, girl, and know that you have a good man. Yes, he needs a little direction, but he’s responsible, and he’s not abandoning you.

And, please help the poor guy get to New York and buy him a plane ticket or train ticket. Don’t let him ride his bicycle….wait, I just had a visual of him riding on the side roads with his backpack slung on his back navigating his way to New York. LMBAO! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Let me start this off by saying I found your column very helpful. You have straight forward advice no holding back and that is what I need right now.

Okay, here is my story. About 2weeks ago I borrowed my boyfriend’s iPad. When I turned it on there was a She-Male sex site! Let’s just say I snapped when I first saw it. So, I started doing some investigations of my own. I found that all these sites were from 2003/2004. (Oh yeah, there were more than one) So, I confronted him about them. He admitted to me that years ago he was with a Transgender woman and that he slept with her. He said at first when he brought her home he thought she was a woman, but when they got in the bedroom he found out different but still did it anyway! He told me after that he started questioning himself and what attracted him to her even after finding out she was a man. So, he started to explore the Internet and wanted to know more about She-Males. He said he tried it one more time after that with a Transgender woman, but didn’t enjoy the experience so he never did it again.

He was trying to erase this site when I stumbled across it. I did see that there was no activity on these sites for years and that he just never deleted them. Now, this man is my best friend we have been together for almost 3 years. He is very good to me. I work 3rd shift at a gas station 3 days a week and he sits in the parking lot the whole night to make sure I’m safe, and then goes to his own job in the morning. He has always been there for me no matter what. I’m trying to be understanding to the situation everyone has a past. I’m not questioning his love for me because I know he does. But, what I am questioning is can someone engage in homosexual sex and then be done? Could it have been he was just experimenting with his sexuality? I know around that time he went through a nasty divorce with his ex-wife whom was cheating on him.

Whenever I have a question he answers it for me. He says I am what he wants and wants to marry me. I love this man and want the best for him I would stand by him no matter what as he did for me. I told him if he is still struggling with his sexuality I will always be his best friend if he has a desire for these Transgender women, and I would understand and wouldn’t judge him. But he reassures me I’m what he wants. Hell, I even offered to bring one in the bedroom with us but he said no! That he was not into that and it was that one Transgender woman he was attracted to and that’s it. I know when I was younger I experimented with a woman and I have no desire to be with a woman again. Could the same thing go for him? Sorry if I dragged this on. I just have a million questions going through my mind. – Trying To Understand

“I Can’t Stand My Husband And I Cringe At The Thought Of Him”

Dear Ms. Trying To Understand,

I agree, that yes, we all have a past. And, many of us have done some things and have done some experimenting including having same sex relations. But, experimenting with a She-Male is a whole other thing. Your man brought a Transgender person home under the guise that he thought he/she was really a woman. Once they got into the bedroom he discovers he/she is not a woman, and yet he still goes through with the sexual act. WOW! Okay. And, he just didn’t do it once, but he tried it a second time with another Transgendered person. And, after the second experience he determined it was not for him.

Okay, I don’t want to put any doubt in your mind, but your man actively sought out a Transgendered woman and went back a second time. It wasn’t by happenstance or coincidence like his first “alleged” time with a Transgendered woman. But, the second time was purely intentional. It was premeditated and planned out. You see, I’m on the fence with this because you say that he said the second experience wasn’t satisfying or gratifying. And, afterwards he concluded that because he didn’t enjoy it, then he didn’t try it again. So, does this mean he won’t ever try it again?  Remember, he did admit that he was attracted to the Transgendered woman. And, I’m not so sure if any heterosexual man would have said, “Well, since you’re here we may as well have sex.”

Here are my questions: Why did he go back a second time? What did he like about the first experience and what exactly did they do? What type of sexual act was involved, such as penetration from both parties? It’s obvious he enjoyed and got some pleasure from the experience because he went out to do it a second time. But, what about the second experience he didn’t like? Was it because he wasn’t necessarily attracted to her? What was he hoping they would do? There are lots of questions, and he has all the answers. I strongly suggest you sit down with him and be prepared to have all your questions answered, and be open to what he has to say. You may not like what he has to say, and it may be uncomfortable to hear the truth, but instead of wondering if he has an attraction for Transgendered women, and if he may be homosexual, you need to talk with him and get all the answers you need.

And, I do believe that a man or woman can have an experience, and may never do it again. I do believe that one experience does not make you homosexual. But, several experiences, and you questioning your sexuality, and you don’t tell your current partner about your past, then you’re hiding something. (Leans in and whispers: What is your man hiding?)

I don’t understand you women who won’t communicate, or ask questions of your men once you find out that they have, or had, or engaged in a sexual act with a man. You don’t ask questions to get the answers you need, so you start assuming, guessing, and making excuses for them. STOP THAT MF’ing –ISH RIGHT NOW! Stop dancing around the situation and walking on egg shells. Get to the bottom of it, and find out where his desire and attraction stems from. Does he like the fantasy of getting both male and female genitalia? Does he like having his ass played with, and the idea of a woman pounding him? Is he into sucking d**k and breasts at the same time? Girl, you better ask these questions. Something is turning him on, and you better find out. You need to understand his sexual fantasies and desires.

But, I do want to give your man some credit because he researched and scoured the internet trying to understand his fascination and attraction for Transgender women. Now, here’s where I’m stumped. You said he questioned himself after that experience. Ms. Thang, did he ever find out his fascination and attraction? You didn’t say that in your letter, and I’m assuming he didn’t because you drew your own conclusions by saying he was going through a divorce so perhaps that made him do it. Uhm, really sweetie? A divorce can drive you to have same sex relations, even to the point of a Transgender woman?  Your man said he was attracted to her. HELLO! I really think there is something else driving the attraction, and it wasn’t the divorce. By the way, he says it was only that one time, but it wasn’t one time, it was two times.

Sure, your man may have only done it twice. He may have even searched the internet seeking out Transgenders and his fascination and attraction for them. But, the fact remains that they were on his computer. He didn’t delete them, and although there has been no activity on the sites for years, they are still on his computer. And, how did you stumble across them? If you were able to access them that easily then it’s obvious that they are sitting right there in plain sight, or in his cookies web history. So, then how come in all these years he still hasn’t deleted the sites? I’ll wait for an answer.

Here’s the thing. Having those sites lingering on his computer is like having an ex lingering in your life. Although you’re not communicating with them, you still haven’t quite gotten rid of them, and they are hanging in the balance. And, if the right moment and right opportunity presented itself you will find yourself revisiting your past. So, if he’s really over the experience, and Transgendered women are not his thing, then the two of you should sit at his computer and delete all the sites. Really make it history and a part of his past. DELETE THE –ISH!

You sound like you have a good man, and that he really loves you. I don’t doubt it, nor do I doubt that he really wants to make a life with you. But, ask yourself this question – If you’ve been with him for nearly 3 years, and he’s never told you about his experience with a Transgendered woman, and the only reason he confessed is because you stumbled upon the websites on his computer, then do you think he would have ever told you? I just want to say this, your man has some secrets, and you don’t know him as well as you think you do. It’s time you two sit down and be really honest and open with one another. There are some skeletons hidden, and your man has a closet full of them.

Finally, Ms. Girl, I do applaud you for being open enough to support your man, and be there for him. Even to the point of being his best friend if he is struggling with his sexuality. You truly are understanding and amazing. There are not many women like you. However, I don’t think you should have, or even think about exploring bringing a Transgendered woman into your bedroom. Honey, trust me, you will be the odd ball (no pun intended) left out! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

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Read More About How To Date When You Have Kids

I have been married to this guy for a little over 4 years. We have two kids- 5 & 3 years old. We own a home which I had to beg, curse and cry to get him to contribute 50% of the down payment. I figured that if he wanted to stay with me he would have to contribute to the house.  I knew he had the money, but for some reason he always cries broke except when it comes to his family. I mean on the outside looking in a lot of people make comments like “your family is so cute”… “You guys have it all together,” but I’m hating life! Yes, they see me driving a new Lexus. But the only reason is that I put him out after I found out he was cheating on me while I was 7 months pregnant! Whenever he gets mad, it becomes his car, not mine!

Yes, they see the kids always dressed nice and well-behaved but that’s all me. All my husband (I cringe when I have to refer him as such) manages to do is keep the couch warm and the electronics turned on. So, he tries to be affectionate and kiss or rub on me but I’m so turned off. As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex. The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.

He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings. Like one minute he’s singing, making obnoxious jokes, all in my personal space and the next he’s mean-faced glued to the TV. He also has a bad temper and has said some real foul stuff to me and calls me names. We went to counseling once (after he jumped on me with our newborn in my arms) and was diagnosed with depression. I had kicked him out the house and was loving life- with just the kids. He kept begging me to come back and I agreed on the condition he continued with counseling. That never happened. Recently when I brought it up his response was something like “You don’t know me or my heart. How dare you try to tell me what I need to do?” Great!

So here I am living in a home with this man I can’t stand, raising two kids as a pseudo- single mom, hating life. I should also mention that I can’t talk to him the way I used to when we were dating. He uses all the bits of info from my past to throw back in my face when convenient. Not that I have loads of skeletons in my closet, but does he really need to bring up that I used to date older men? Or that one of my exes used to abuse me so why would I make a big deal when he jumped on me? Is this dude serious? I’ve told him that I want a divorce (I ended up agreeing after he said he wanted one our entire 1st yr of marriage) but now he’s fighting it. I think it’s not that he loves me so much but because he’s comfortable. He has a great life which involves him not doing much. I think I know what I want to do. But just want to get your take on it. – Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out

“I’m Married, But Everytime I Go Pick Up My Daughter From My Ex She Answers The Door In Her Panties”

Dear Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out,

Welp! I hate to say it, but you got exactly what you wanted and then some. You were so blinded by your own desires that you ignored every sign, every heeded message, and the big blaring red signals going haywire over your head. You were so determined to be married, have this great family, and get what YOU wanted that you did it at the sake of your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. WOW! You are a nut case in the true sense that you are so driven by insanity that you will do whatever it takes to get what you want.

Now, here you are writing in seeking advice because your selfish desires got you into this hotmess.com and now you want a wayout.net. I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit your responsibility and immature tactics in this situation. You manipulated this man into marrying you, then you begged, cursed, cried and demanded he put down 50% on a house that he probably didn’t want, and because you wanted to have kids you laid down with him and as you said, “As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex.” Hmmmm, after revisiting all of that doesn’t that make you sound very childish and immature? Doesn’t that sound like someone who is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, and selfish? Let me pull up a chair and get comfortable because this is about to get really good.

Then you go on to say, “The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.” Honey, you’re absolutely correct. You didn’t think. Chile, you folks with your ulterior motives and sneaky ass ways manipulating folks and situations always want to cry wolf when the –ish hits the fan. Well, sorry, boo boo, but I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You created and designed this life of “fake wonderful trying to impress others by satisfying your own needs but now your ass is showing.” Get the “F” outta here.

But, I’m not done, Ms. Honey. It appears that you have a history of dating abusive men. You said your husband throws up in your face that you dated an abusive man before, and then when he was abusive to you after he jumped on you with your newborn in your arms, that you have no right or cause to complain. Okay, I agree with you, WTF is he talking about? He’s trying to justify himself with that bull –ish? You should have slapped the mess out him, packed his bags and put his ass out of the house. No man can justify beating or abusing a woman in any manner.

But, you need to do some introspection and get to the root cause of why you feel the need to choose abusive men, and where does this pattern stem from. Your husband may have only jumped on you once, but trust and believe he will do it again. Sit your miserable ass over there complaining if you want to. His mentally unstable ass will go upside your head again and then what are you going to do? You’re just simple.

And, for the record, he is not only physically abusive, but he is also emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s been diagnosed as depressed. Uhm, sweetie, that is a mental disorder. And, he takes his anger and illness out on you, and I’m certain the kids feel the wrath of his mental illness as well. He is an abuser mentally, emotionally, and physically. Plain and simple – He needs to remain in therapy, and he needs to take his medication. What’s really sad about you is that you are in denial about his mental illness just as he is in denial. You wrote, “He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings.” So, when you went to counseling and he was diagnosed with depression, what part of that did you not understand? Chile, depression is a mental illness. It’s a disorder. But, you are so “F’ing” clueless living in this fantasy world you’ve created that you’ve allowed your disillusion to cloud your judgment.

And, I don’t understand why you are still in the marriage if it’s not what you want, or what he wants. What the hell am I thinking! Misery loves company. You’re two miserable people and would rather be miserable and unhappy together than happy and sane alone. SMDH! Girl, your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The sad part is that you’re both in it for the wrong reasons and instead of being honest with one another, you’re both deceiving and manipulating one another, and lying to yourselves.

I’m curious as to what made you stay after you learned he cheated on you when you were 7 months pregnant? Oh, my bad, why am I asking that silly ass question. He bought you a Lexus. So, you got something out of the deal. I’m sure you manipulated that out of him. Do you realize that you not only justified his behavior, but you asked him to reward you with something material for something he did emotional and physical, and will leave a long lasting effect on you and the marriage. Now, does that make any sense to you?

Why am I talking with you? You clearly don’t see how you are a big contributing factor to all of this mess that YOU created. YOU had this fixation on this life of being married and having kids. YOU chose this man. Now, here you are miserable and unhappy and asking for an easy way out.  Girl, get the freaking divorce. Stop stalling. You never really wanted to be with him in the first place. Hell, it could have been any man to give you what YOU wanted, and it just so happens that it was him. Girl, miss me and yourself. And, you need to get into some counseling yourself. You need to stop lying to yourself, manipulating others, and instead of making everyone else’s life miserable do them all a favor and just leave! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

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To make my seemingly long story short I started dating my next door neighbor that is Asian/White and I’m Black. Prior to, I was single no children. Within 6 months I was pregnant. We moved in together only for me to later move out and endure my pregnancy alone. He is self-employed with money issues. I work making $44,000 per year. Our daughter was born. We reunited for 2 years. However, I’m the head of the household. I run the show, and not by choice, and after we fight over MY car. The police was called. Black cops came, and did not like an interracial couple. They wanted to send both of us to jail. They threatened to put our daughter in the system. The baby daddy takes a domestic violence charge so I don’t got to go jail and I get to keep my daughter. And, since the courts won’t allow him back in the home he starts dating a new girl.

My problem is that I’m sprung on the sex. I love him dearly, and straight out I can’t get over him. His new girlfriend has no idea about his sexual activities or preference and that’s the only time I see him. Since he’s been out of the home my daughter hardly exists in his life. I know he loves her however she’s no longer a priority to him. I am beyond dumb, however I can’t follow my own advice. Child support and all the trimmings are in effect but I can’t make the horse drink. I haven’t dated a brotha or anotha since we got together and I’m afraid. What should I do? – Stuck On Stoopid

“It’s Been 2 Years Since It Ended & My Abusive Ex Won’t Leave Me Alone”

Dear Ms. Stuck On Stoopid,

Not only are you Stuck on Stoopid, girl, you’re stuck on D**k!! A damn shame! SMDH! And, Ms. Honey, it ain’t even chocolate D**K! Girl, you done gone and got you some Asian/White D**k and he’s put some voodoo on your coochie! LMBAO!

It just goes to show you that no matter what the color all D**K is addictive! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!

Now, let’s move on to this damn letter! Chile, I swear, there are so many all types of wrong with this letter I really don’t have the strength, energy, or wherewithal to address it all.

The major problem I have is your declaration of being the head of the household, you running the show, throwing your salary around, and fighting over, as you’ve stated, “MY” car. I can only imagine this man being afraid to go up against you – the angry Black woman! Yes, I said it! You’re the typical angry Black woman running around with your polyester suit and your DSW heels claiming how you don’t need a man to take care of you. You can handle your own. You got an attitude with the world, and everyone in it. You probably go to work with the same neck rolling, handing waving, sucking your teeth attitude putting everybody in check and telling them what you not gon’ do! You leave work at exactly 5 pm because you’re not sticking around if they’re not paying any overtime. You get into your Chrysler 300 and laugh all the way home listening to Michael Baisden, and you probably talk back to the radio giving your two cents.

Whatever differences you have with your child’s father, YOU need to put them to the side. If you’re going to be a mature, independent, and strong Black woman, then act like a mature, sophisticated, classy, and reasonable Black woman. Ugh! I’m so sick of you angry baby momma’s who want to fight with the baby daddy and then make him out to be the bad guy, but yet you want to continue to spread your legs and lay up with him when he comes over to see the child. He’s a no-good trifling so-and-so when he’s not around, but all of sudden when he does show up you love him and can’t stand being without him, and you need some of that D**k to keep you going until the next time you see him! Some ole’ basic ass women! I hope he makes you swallow.

Look, I need for you to move on with your life. Leave him alone as your lover and bed partner. I know the D**K is good and you can’t seem to ween yourself off it. But, let’s make a vital effort. He is the father of your child. It’s time to set aside your differences and work together so that you can co-parent, and nurture your child. Stop fighting in front of her and over her. It will only make her resentful of him, of you, and she will grow up only to replicate the relationship she saw you and the father do. Be an example of positivity, love, inspiration, and empowerment. Let go of the mean bad-ass angry bitter and hurt Black woman routine. It really gets old and trite. And, ultimately it’s not serving you, or your situation. And, Ms. Honey, before you even think about dating another man, especially a brotha (I know many of them are not going to put with you and your attitude), please take some meditation classes, some yoga, or even attend some spiritual classes at your church to get to the root and center of the “I” and “Me” references you consistently make. And, also address the issue of why you feel you don’t need anybody. And, please go into those classes or situation with an open mind. Chile, I can see you now raising your hand and interrupting the instructor, “Uhm, excuse me. My name is Ericka Simone Nichelle Jenkins and I don’t understand why I need to work on me. Why I got to bend over backwards, and please others, and not speak up and say what’s on my mind. I got my own car. My own house. A job. I make good money. And, ain’t nobody helped me to get any of it. I did it all by myself.” SMDH! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

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This guy I used to date is still sending me messages and texts. I am married and want to tell him but I feel that it isn’t any of his business. I feel that it will only fuel him to become harassing, even though I we’ve ended it over 2 years ago.

I feel that he is still in my head. I don’t like that. I pray to be freed from his clutches, the mental clutches that is. He still plays out the cycle of abuse via e-mail and texting. He explodes, then he apologizes, then he gets intense because I am not responding to NOTHING he sends. I had spoken with him about 15 months after I fled with no contact for all that time. I did learn that he was posing as a guy on Facebook and I knew something was strange when I suggested we talk over the phone. I deleted the e-mail of the fake poser guy.

When he sends texts they are all over the place. One minute he is projecting a nice tone like he wants to be friends, then when I don’t respond his tone is intense and agitated, almost slightly threatening, then the explosion. He may send me a message of his private parts with a nasty message saying he doesn’t ever want me or to talk to me again.

He claimed he was married for a while and blames me for the reason it didn’t work, saying because I left him he was forced to married her. I want to block his number but don’t feel that he is worth a $5/month charge to pay on my cellular bill to keep him from calling. I just face it and ignore it, but sometimes his messages get to me. Sometimes I feel sad. I feel like I am missing something, and the kicker is I know I am not missing NOTHING but a ass beating and lots and lots of mental, emotional, and financial abuse.

He sends me pics of him looking at his best, but I know it’s all fake. I have thought about changing my phone number but I just feel like he is not worth me disrupting my life for. I just feel I do better ignoring him. One thing I have vowed is never to let him know anything about me. But, I wonder if I should. I don’t care that he pokes around trying to figure me out. I let him say whatever he thinks. I don’t try to respond and explain. He tries to bait me in with certain verbiage. I am sorry that I am rambling on. I have the desire to write a book about the horrid experience. I have journals and notes from the experience and I have NEVER been through the crap he put me through. But he reminded me of my mother and father mixed in one, mostly my mother. I am confused sometimes, but I know I what is right. He is trying to manipulate me. I wish he would leave me alone. – Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone

“I Reconnected With My Ex, But Learned He Has A New Baby & Now I Want Him To Stop Calling Me”

Dear Ms. Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone,

Chile, I wish you would leave me alone!

Honey, honey, honey I can’t do nothing for you if you don’t want to do anything for yourself. If your ex is harassing you and you won’t pay the measly $5/month charge to block his number, or you won’t change your number because you don’t feel he isn’t worth you disrupting your life, and you won’t speak to him and give that little boy with little ass nuts a piece of your mind (because grown ass men don’t play games like that), then what the HELL do you want me to tell you?!?!

Here we go with today’s perfect theme – BASIC WEDNESDAY! Basic Letters from Basic Women.

The BOY is already disrupting your life! He is making your life a living hell and you are allowing it to go on! You are allowing it to fester and grow and continue. And, because your basic ass won’t take any steps to rectify the situation, you want me to give you some advice on what to do? Girl, you’re a joke! You can’t really be serious.

Obviously you like the attention he is giving you, and you refuse to let him go, and, yes, he does have a stronghold on you because you refuse to allow yourself some happiness and sanity and will put up with this MoFo’s childish and insidious ish! (Look it up I don’t have to explain it for you). His abusive non-motherfreaking-factor-bum-broke-ass needs someone to stomp a hole in his chest. And, I don’t condone violence, but if he is doggedly making you feel threatened and it’s affecting you emotionally and mentally then you need to take action and quit sitting over there hoping he will eventually stop. HE’S NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL YOU (Well, someone you know) PAYS HIM A VISIT AND KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO HIS THICK ASS SKULL. Girl, don’t you got a Pooquie, Ray Ray, Tyrone, or Big Mike in your family? Or, you know one of them in your old hood? Chile, you better get the number and dial it fast!

Hold up, hold up, hold up Ms. Scarecrow – It’s obvious you don’t have a brain. Uhm, you’re married, and your husband isn’t aware of what’s going on? I’m going to stop right here and take a moment. (Woo-sa Woo-sa Woo-sa)

(24 hours later) Okay, I’m back. I had to stop and gather myself because I was going to go in on your _______   _______   _______ ass.

Look, it’s been 2 MF’ing years and this boy is still harassing you? Two years and he’s still running behind you and you won’t do or say anything? Girl, no ma’am. Not today. That ish would have ceased on day one! But, you’ve allowed it to go on this long and you think he’s going to stop now?

Do you have any common sense? Chile, maybe he knocked it out your head when you let him go upside it years ago. Let me stop.

I tell you what – document all the information and what he’s doing to you. Take it to the police and have his black ass arrested. Let him deal with the court system. And, Annie better get her gun! Purchase you a piece and keep it cocked and ready.

And, all those naked pics he’s sending you, well, I would fix his narrow ass. I would post all of them, including his name, phone number, and his face picture all over the internet, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, gay websites, and any place else where you can put his ass on blast. He wants to play, then let’s MF’ing play!

You also need some professional therapy. Really! Get you some professional counseling on the abuse you’ve been experiencing since your parents, which you are now replicating it in your relationships. You will keep seeking out abusive men, subconsciously, and consciously, because mentally and emotionally you are scarred and damaged. You feel that unless someone is mean or abusive to you then they must obviously love you. You stated in your letter that his messages and texts make you feel sad, and you feel as if you’re missing something. But, you said you know you’re not missing nothing but an ass beating, and lots and lots of mental, emotional, and financial abuse. Sooooo, what am I missing here? Ummm, you know what, you’re crazy. You really are stupefied and perhaps all those beatings he gave you knocked something loose in your head.

I do hope you know that abuse is not love. Someone kicking your ass, dogging you out, emotionally and mentally draining you isn’t what love is. Love is not abusive. It’s not harassing. It’s not stalking. It’s not berating or belittling you. It’s not making you feel less than. No one who loves you will make you feel uninspired, worthless, or depleted. Get you some self-esteem, they sell it at Macy’s, Bloomingdales, and Saks Fifth Avenue. It ain’t cheap, darling!

You need to let your husband know what’s going on. He needs to be involved in this. Your husband is your protector and your confidante, and friend. Stop leaving him in the dark because ultimately that crazy nut case is affecting your relationship whether you know it or not. Stop being scared to speak up. Use your voice and get some backbone. For God has not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and sound mind. USE THEM, along with your new piece! (Man down! I just shot a man in Central Station in front of a big ole’ crowd) – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!

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Here are a few tips to help you achieve forward motion in the quest for a healthy measure of success and happiness in all areas of life:

• Get clear. How can you know what is expected of you if you are not clear about what exactly you are trying to achieve? In the workplace you must get clear direction from your superior. In your relationships you have to have an open dialog about what you are trying to gain collectively and what are you “bottom line” of needs. Likewise, if you are currently not in a relationship or on a job, you should get a blank journal book for each and begin to clearly define for yourself what you require to be happy and successful in your career and at home. Be specific in your wants, needs and desires so that you can begin to focus your energy toward those things and most certainly, when you believe that it is possible for you then you will begin to see opportunities open for you in the direction of your vision.
• Set forth your intentions. You cannot hit a target if you cannot see it.  Once you have become clear about what you want from your career and in your love life then you can start to visualize yourself in that space. If you have been unfulfilled in past relationships, with lovers and workplace it will be challenging get out of the cycle of being unfulfilled. Visualizing yourself as you would like to experience your relationships and successful career opens your mind on a subconscious level to the belief that obtaining these things is actually a possibility for YOU. Hitting your target is much easier if you can see what it is that you are aiming for, so set forth your intentions.
• Seek out necessary resources. When you stop learning you should be dead – I mean that literally. The time to learn is now and always. Read books, go to seminars, buy programs that will help you advance, attend retreats, talk to your mentors, have lunch with the CEO of your company and other successful people in life, and do whatever it takes to develop the necessary tools for obtaining massive success, abundance and overflowing love. No need to wait until the need arises to learn a new skill, by that time you are already behind the curve. Add the knowledge to your toolbox and when needed you will instinctively use what you already know.
• Push beyond your limitations. While comfort zones are comfortable, they are also limiting.  Sometimes we get caught in these comfort zones and mistake them for what is “meant to be” but you’ll find that if you are willing to push yourself out of this space you will likely be met with success and happiness beyond your imagination. If you’ve only ever dated one type of person then open yourself to others. African American women are notorious for this by exclusively dating within the race, but the love of her life may not be of her nationality and by limiting herself; she’ll never have the opportunity to find out. If you’ve only ever worked one type of job, it may be time to adapt your skill set and look into another. There’s the old adage that says if you do what you’ve always done then you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. That couldn’t be more truthful. Is it time for you to push beyond your limitations?
• Go above and beyond. Don’t be afraid to take on new challenges without being instructed to do so.  Take the initiative to do more than is expected of you. Since mediocrity is the norm your enthusiastic efforts to do more will be noticed and presumably rewarded. More importantly, you will begin to have higher standards for yourself which will undoubtedly set you apart from the rest. And as you know, top quality positions take top quality people to fill them; professionally and personally. If it is your intention to secure a worthy position in your career and love life, then it is up to you to standout from the crowd.
• Take action now. Procrastination can be your worst enemy. The most common reasons that people procrastinate is because they don’t know where/how to begin, it appears overwhelming, they haven’t obtained the proper resources and they are afraid of change. Rarely is it because they are lazy. Laziness is something completely different. There is no better time than now to take action toward achieving your own success and happiness. NOW is the right time to get clear, set forth your intentions, seek out the necessary resources, push beyond your limitations, and to go above and beyond. Are you not worth a successful career, a happy home and enjoying the love of your life? It is up to you to put your plan in motion.

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