Although I knew in my heart that this was right, I wanted to make our marriage as strong as possible beforehand by participating in counseling, but my husband wanted no part in it. For him, it’s a privacy thing. He doesn’t feel comfortable discussing aspects of our relationship with anyone else.

During a rocky part of our marriage, I went to my husband still crying from a fight we’d had earlier and asked him if he thought we perhaps should go to couples counseling – maybe. I was hoping my wishy-washy stance on the issue would help him be more objective in making his decision, that he wouldn’t say no just to spite me…

To read the rest of this article, go to BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

How Freaky Should You Get In The Bedroom?

Why Did He Marry HER… And Not YOU?

Is couples’ therapy really worth the time and money, or is it just a sign you and your man are better off calling it quits? One woman tells YourTango her personal therapy story.

[From YourTango]

Going to couples therapy wasn’t something my boyfriend or I had to wrangle the other into. Our rough patch was more like a slick of black ice, and we were careening towards a precipitous ending. We had moved in together almost a year earlier, and couples therapy seemed easier than breaking up. It would at least buy us time to figure out how to split our belongings while I looked for my own place in New York City.

I went into counseling thinking Ryan had to change. If he didn’t fix at least eight of the things that were wrong with him, I was out. What were my issues? Everything. An aspiring actor, Ryan had no job security, no savings account or 401(k), and a penchant for buying every new electronic gadget on the market. He lives and breathes sports, while I swore I’d never date a jock. He can stew for an entire day if the Red Sox lose a game-an act I deem ridiculous and infantile. Why don’t you try dealing with your real life for a change? I’d think. I accused him of being a man-child who slept all day and didn’t know what responsibility meant.

Meanwhile, I had a great-paying job that I despised, and managed to sock away 30 percent of my income into savings and retirement. Ryan said my planning for the future got in the way of enjoying the present. His proof: I would buy a purse for $150, let it sit in my closet for 29 days, and then, overcome with spender’s guilt, return it for a refund the next day. But, I reasoned, the world is far too consumed with materialism and I didn’t want to be sucked into it.

When we called to make the appointment Dr. Schaffer said her schedule was full, but she would have an opening in a month. I wondered what led to her calendar freeing up. Did couples leave happy and cured, with a better understanding of each other? Or did they exit just as disgruntled as when they walked in? Maybe sitting together in a room for an hour week after week was all the confirmation husbands and wives needed to finalize their divorce….

To read the rest of the article, click here.

About to call off the wedding? Maybe he just has cold feet.

Even virtual cheating can lead to a breakup!

[From YourTango]

Most women love to dance. It’s kind of a biological imperative. We hear music and we start to move to it. In our dreams, the men in our lives are moving with us. Dinner and dancing is a kind of ultimate fantasy date, but too often we skip the second part.

Things have been looking up for boogie-enthusiasts these past few years thanks to the success of Dancing With The Stars. Seeing macho football players like Jason Taylor, Average Joes like Jerry Springer and billionaires like Mark Cuban adeptly moving around the floor can make men feel liberated to give ballroom dancing a try. The end result can be a heightened sense of electricity between couples.

“If women are not happy, this is when we nag,” jokes professional ballroom dance champion Elena Grinenko. “If you make your woman happy then she’s relaxed and she’s not asking for a lot because she feels very secure.” One way to make a woman happy, she argues, is to get her on the dance floor.

“As far as therapy for couples, it’s a great thing to do,” she says. “Dance teaches us a lot about the relationship between the male and the female.” Dancing requires good etiquette and communication, and the body language is unbeatable.

Now in his seventh season on Dancing With The Stars, professional dancer Tony Dovolani spends much of his time between seasons presenting seminars and giving private instruction. Wherever he goes, he sees couples reconnecting through ballroom dancing.

“It’s almost like you have a newfound love for each other,” Dovolani says. “Discovering new steps together teaches couples to interact with each other. They’re looking into each other’s eyes, anticipating the next move. It opens up energy channels of feeling and connection. It rejuvenates everything.”

Dovolani says learning to dance teaches communication skills and fosters respect. The physical activity is a great stress reliever and the positive feelings about the shared experience makes couples excited to carve out alone time.

To read the rest of the article, click here.

Dancing is great for your back!

With a few lessons, maybe you’ll be as good as THIS dancing queen.

I’ll admit it. I’m a people watcher, and I enjoy seeing how people talk, move, dress, eat, play, and express emotion. As a writer it’s sometimes a challenge to translate what you see on paper, so I enjoy observing and trying to come up with creative ways to do so. Now, in my role as a coach and instructor I lead workshops on personal and business development. I’ve learned to go in deeper and see things from various perspectives to empower others. I have a good eye for – let’s just say – a “pretender” who is putting on a façade for the rest of us, because maybe they just aren’t ready to face themselves and look in the mirror.

Sometimes the things that come up in my workshops enlighten me and the attendees to realize that we’re a lot of children running around pretending to be “Big Boys and Big Girls.” We’re running corporations, schools, churches, restaurants, and families as wounded little teenagers.

My theory is that life happens to us all way too fast. We don’t make time to heal. Especially when we approach the college years, we grow up within the blink of an eye and we’re hit with responsibilities, stress, and relationship issues. Then school is over and it’s WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD NOW. On the outside, we’re in crisp suits, hair is flawless, standing tall and proud, when deep within still needs a bit of dusting, shining, and clearing out the clutter like an old abandoned attic.

I have a workshop that I used to do with just my girlfriends and eventually started doing for other small groups of women called “Me Time Escape Parties.” My first time hosting for someone else was done for an acquaintance and about six of her friends. These women were executives, nurses, teachers, and entrepreneurs in their 30′s to late 40′s. At first glance, you’d say, “These ladies have it going on! Look at them!” But boy, was I in for a surprise.

I am in no way saying I’m perfect and have it all together. Let’s just be clear (LOL). However, I feel that I’m a pretty happy and grateful person. I actually enjoy tackling my flaws and figuring out how I can improve to be a better person. Let’s just say I hang out in the Self-Growth section in the bookstore. Most of my friends are the same way, but my biggest over-optimistic mistake is thinking that everyone else in the world was like that!

In the workshop there are many self-reflection questions I posed and the ladies were to write the answers down. When we were finished, they could share what came up for them – ONLY if they were willing. I was amazed when the majority of this group of women who “got it goin’ on” were stumped on the first question as if it was a calculus equation. They were baffled, confused and tightly grasping their pens like I asked the hardest and most confusing question in the world.

My first question was simply:

What do you like about yourself? (i.e.: I’m creative, outgoing, great singer, I love to help elderly, I’m a visionary, etc..) Five things? I was in absolute awe. I actually was stumped myself, because I had to learn how to have more compassion that day and figure out how to help others who needed a bit more guidance then the rest of us.

One of the ladies who was a nurse sat still, looking nervously at her paper and then back up at her reflection across the room on the huge wall mirror. She tapped her pen, sighed, and then looked at me shamefully since she couldn’t find anything to write. Her hair looked as if she just stepped out of the salon, make-up was light and flawless, her outfit very hip and stylish. From the outside she had it all together. Then there’s me, the instructor, loud and lively as I usually am, walking around saying, “What’s up ladies? You can’t find ONE THING you like about yourself? Come on, that’s easy!” Okay, compassion, Simone, compassion…I know, I told you I’m not perfect, didn’t I? :)

Suddenly, I watched a tear drip out of this woman’s eye and I went over to her and started to console her. I sat down on the sofa next to her and started to help her find some things to give herself credit for, since for some reason she felt undeserving of it. I poked fun to break the ice and said, “You’re saving lives as nurse, for goodness sake! Let’s start with that. Write down, ‘I like that I’m a life saver’.” I rubbed her back and she laughed. That worked and then she loosened up to write down that she was a good mother, she was kind, and a good cook. We started to come up with many more things together.

That evening a few years ago moved me so much, because it showed me just how hard it was for some people to really love themselves. It showed me how hard it was for some to really look in the mirror with love and appreciation instead of tearing themselves down with self-hate. This woman, who was as ‘fly’ as she could be, couldn’t find one thing she liked about herself without a helpful push.

From living my own life, coaching, and of course ‘people watching,” these are some conclusions I’ve come up with:

1. You can’t be with someone and hope that they will “complete” you. You should already be the full package on your own.
2. That top VP or CEO position doesn’t hide that fact that deep down inside you still feel powerless.
3. You can’t buy a tummy tuck or nose job to make him love you.
4. You can’t get a new hair style, color, or weave to erase all your faults and fears.
5. Teeth whitening and braces might get you that acting gig, but it won’t help you find and KEEP your friends.
6. A new car won’t let you forget that you’re really in over your head in debt.
7. Two obsessive hours in the gym each day can’t make your dysfunctional family disappear.
8. Moving away, getting a new circle of friends, and changing your name won’t help you truly reinvent yourself.
9. Having the hottest designer wardrobe doesn’t disguise the fact that you walked on others to get where you are now.
10. Bragging about your bank account and surrounding yourself with luxuries doesn’t hide that fact that deep down you are poor as a pauper.

All of those things are just that …things. They are distractions and they help take you away from what you need to do: the work! The work on ourselves is something we run away from. Self-love is an inside job. It takes work, dedication, and yes, it takes time. It takes time to really embrace yourself for all of your faults and amazing qualities that you might not give yourself credit for. It takes time to forgive yourself for your not-so-smart moves; to love the new you you’ve created for learning from your mistakes. It takes time to face your fears and to finally step out of your comfort zone.

Self-love is an inside job that takes time. Are you ready to do the work? Try out this exercise that those same ladies did in my “Me Time Escape Party,” and see what comes up for you. You might surprise yourself….Give yourself the time and space to really work on your answers for best results.

Pretend you are on the outside looking in. You see yourself for all your greatness and faults. Now tell us about this person you see…

• What do you like most about this person? List 3-5 things

• What do you want to tell her to improve upon? List 3-5 things. Don’t delay; tell her what she needs to do to get started.

Two years have passed and you FINALLY listened to your own advice. You were finally honest with yourself and learned to right your wrongs. So now, tell us about…

• What new people are in your life now?

• What have you learned from your past? (mistakes, heartaches, people you met, jobs, etc.

• What do you look like now? How do you feel? (Health wise, appearance)

• What obstacles have FINALLY disappeared from your life?

• What brings you the most pleasure with the NEW YOU?

• Who is the most surprised about your fabulous turn around?

The following excerpt is from my book, Jack of All Trades, Master of None:
“SELF-LOVE: it’s the starting point for giving love to others. It opens the door to abundant living. With it we limp through life, become part of the walking wounded, the living dead. Self-love. Our cornerstone. We can’t grow or glow without it. It’s time to go within and love yourself”…Susan L. Taylor, from “In The Spirit”
Own Your Power,
Simone

Sometimes a little meditation goes a long way…

Stressed? Write in your journal!

[From CNN Health and Oprah.com]

Dr. Joann Manson, author of Hot Flashes, Hormones, and Your Health, suggests asking yourself three questions before going to the doctor.

Amid all the recent confusion about hormone therapy (HT), it is still an appropriate option for some women. Although it’s been proven as a treatment only for hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness, it may also improve sleep, mood, and concentration.

But like most medications, HT carries risks, including higher rates of stroke, blood clots in the legs and lungs (perhaps less of a problem with patches or gels than pills), breast cancer (especially with combination estrogen and progestin), and for older women, heart disease.

So it’s worth trying other options first — layered clothing, portable fans, exercise, relaxation techniques, and avoiding dietary triggers such as alcohol, caffeine, and spicy foods. And although research findings are decidedly mixed, some women report hot flash relief from soy, black cohosh, and certain antidepressants.

If, however, none of these strategies work, and you want to consider HT in consultation with your doctor, ask yourself…

To read the rest of this article, and find out what might qualify you for considering hormone therapy, click here.