Let me start off by saying that I love you. I look forward to seeing your posts every week, and I love your straight forward approach to things. I’m purchasing Mogul, today (YAY! Finally). But, I want your professional opinion.

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now. We live together and both work full-time. He has a great family and our families like both of us and both of us together. Well, my sex life sucks monkey balls. Normally you hear men complain about women or their wives not giving it up, well in this instance it’s completely the other way around. We have a 7 year age difference. He’s 30 and I’m 23. He’s never been married nor does he bare any children (other qualities that attracted me to him).

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Well, when it comes to sex, we speak a totally different language. I’m a very sexual and affectionate person (I’m a Scorpio). I love to kiss, touch, etc. Basically do things that people in love and relationships do. Well he’s totally not into any of that. When it comes to kissing, he’s a pecker. When it comes to touching, he doesn’t. I’m an attractive woman so I’ve asked numerous of times is he still attracted to me, and he says yes, but I couldn’t tell from our sex life.

Let me give you two scenarios before we have sex or I attempt to have sex. I’ll ask (Yeah, I can’t believe it either sometimes) if he wants to and he’ll make that, “I don’t care” face. What person do you know does that? Then he’ll be like, “I’m watching TV” or, “I’m tired,” and it takes me getting upset for him to be like, “Oh, alright then,” (I’m like really dude?). Next scenario, we’ll be in bed or on the couch and I’ll initiate by kissing or touching on him and he’s ready in a flash, but when it comes to turning me on or getting me in the mood he does nothing. He expects me to just be ready like that. I tell him that I’m a woman and you have to get me in the mood. It always falls upon deaf ears, so needless to say that I have to use some hand action for myself, then it goes down and 5 minutes later it’s over. I then look at him like let’s go at it again, and he’ll be like, “Let me rest.” I have needs also.

I had a silver bullet that had to suffice when he wouldn’t want to have sex and he was actually jealous of it. He thinks all that is taboo. I asked him how was his sex life with his exes because maybe that’s why they broke up. Everything else is okay in our relationship except our sex lives. I need your advice. Should sex be a reason to stay or leave a relationship? – I Have Needs

Dear Ms. I Have Needs,

Thank you for the love, DIVA! I appreciate it very much! And, I do hope you enjoy your copy of my novel, MOGUL.

But, Baby, talking about incompatibility! Your bodies and sexual desires are on two different pages, in two different books, and in two different genres. You’re an erotica book and he’s a mystery novel. LMBAO!

Unfortunately, sex is the reason why a lot of people end their relationships. They just are not compatible sexually. But, perhaps you should explore all the options before you dip out on your man.

The oddity isn’t unusual. However, it’s rather getting both your needs in sync with one another, and it’s going to take learning one another’s sexual cycles. Yes, I said sexual cycle. There are folks who are like you who very sexual and can go on and on and on and on. Chile, you can get turned on by the wind blowing on your clit or breasts. You’re just ready! However, for him, he’s like most people who are not extremely sexual, and the need and desire for sex is not as important or necessary. So, unfortunately, you have to learn his sexual cycle and when he’s most excited, and most turned on.

Notice the days, and times of day he is usually turned on. Is he an early morning wake-up and get it type of person, or is he a late night before bed type of person? Does he like it mid-day, or in the evening right before the game, or right after? And, when he gets in the mood what is going on? What is the look in his eye, is it right after work, or after he’s had time to settle in? How is his body responding when you are touching him in certain spots and kissing him or fondling him? Also, is your man verbal? Does he like talking or for you to respond to how he’s handling you?

Sometimes setting the mood also helps, but keep in mind that men don’t need the candles, incense, and romantic backdrop for sex to happen, women need all that. But, if you need it, then create it. When he sees it he’ll know that you’re ready for some action. But, maybe and perhaps, he likes whip cream, chocolate syrup, flavored oils, and some music. You guys have got to work together and create the magic you both desire and need.

Sex in relationships is just like verbal communication. You have to talk to one another about your desires, likes, needs, and wants. You have to express to your mate what turns you on, what turns you off, and where to lick, stick, suck, and touch. And, it takes showing them, placing their hands and mouth on the parts that excite you. If you let him know where your spots are, and vice-versa, your sex life will be very vibrant and exciting. But, it takes communicating. When he touches you in a way that excites you, let him know by responding with a noise, or saying, “Yes, daddy, that’s it!” And, work your body in tune with his touches. Pop that punany and back it up on him! Explore new positions – let him put his thang in between your breasts; work your oral skills; try reverse cowgirl; blow bubbles in his a**! You’re a freak, hell, let the freak out!!!

GIRL, YOU’VE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER AND FIND THIS OUT.

And, yes, the age difference does matter. He’s 30-years old and you’re 23-years old. He should still be sexually active, but he is getting older and his sex drive may be declining. You mentioned he has a full-time job. There could be pressures and stresses from work that he is holding on to and it’s affecting his sexual appetite. And, if his job is physically demanding, then I’m certain he doesn’t want to work all day doing manual labor and then have to come home and do more manual labor by handling you and throwing you around the bed, picking you up, carrying you around the house, and acting like a sex maniac.

Also, try spontaneity sex. When he walks in the door, be there waiting on him in the nude, and drop down to your knees and tea bag him. Service him right at the front door. Or, be waiting in the kitchen with only an apron on cooking. Hell, sometimes you’ve got to change the scenery and environment. Have him meet you at a hotel or some discreet location, and when he arrives there you are with only a mink coat on and nothing underneath. Seduce him. Create fantasies, and I’m certain his sexual energy and desire will increase! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Related Links:

“My Husband Cheated For 6 Years & I’m Willing To Work On Us, But He Refuses”

“He Wants To Get Married & So Do I, But I’m Very Nervous”

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

You look good, you smell good and you’re wearing the only matching lingerie set you own. All signs point to go.

You’d think with this many green lights that there’s no way a lady could mess this up. Maybe you’d think that, but you’d be wrong. Here are just a few of the ways this could go south in a hurry:

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1. Don’t depend on him for birth control. Yes, he should carry condoms, but ultimately it’s up to you — it’s your body and you need to keep yourself safe. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be, but the sad fact is, even the nicest seeming guy isn’t always as invested in keeping us disease and pregnancy-free. Even if you’re the kind of traditional lady who insists your date pay for everything (after all, you’re giving him the gift of your company), do not let stubbornness get in the way of your safe good time. And nothing ruins a good time like a below-the-belt itch or unplanned pregnancy.

2. For Pete’s sake, don’t cry. Some of us have a weird habit of occasionally bursting into tears during sex — it’s the rush of endorphins that does it, so blame biology! But, if there’s any way to pull yourself together the first time you make sweet love to your new boyfriend, try to. Waterworks will lead him to believe that either he hurt you–and in that case, will never again do that thing again — or he’ll think that you’re a mental case. Either way, you probably won’t be seeing him again anytime soon.

3. Leave the comparison talk at home. You know how almost every woman you know thinks she’s fat? Yeah, well most guys think they’re, ahem, less endowed than they actually are. Imagine if you thought a size zero was the way you thought you should look just because the model in Vogue was. Sigh.

To read the other three no-nos, click here!

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Growing up, us ladies are always warned that guys only want one thing.  Although that seems to be true, should they ever be warned the same thing? Lots of girls complain that they seem to want more in the bedroom than their man.  Does this mean that we want too much? Or maybe that guys sometimes want it less?

My friend Liz started telling me about her recent problems in the bedroom.  Whether or not his new and demanding job has anything to do with it, Liz is unhappy that he seems to be less aroused.  She feels as though she is asking for it, whereas she used to be the one being tossed into bed before her shoes came off.  “Am I doing something wrong?” She started buying more expensive panties and researching for more tricks in bed. I told her to hold off on criticizing herself until she knows what his deal is.

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My next question was whether or not the sex was as good when it finally happened.  She said that in fact, the sex was probably better because she had to fight him for it. She told him exactly what she wanted and when he wasn’t going after her, she took it from him.  She found herself daydreaming about sex all day because she knew it wouldn’t just be given to her when she got home.  I suggested that she have the dreaded conversation with him and just tell him how she feels.

She confronted him saying, “Why don’t you initiate sex anymore?” He replied that of course he still enjoys having sex with her and once they get going he can’t get enough.  The fact is, he is really exhausted after work.  He looks forward to talking about his day more and relaxing with his girl rather than immediately going at each other. Liz was shocked, flattered, and extremely turned on by this reply.  After understanding his position a little better, Liz was able to control her cravings and did her best to make him feel as relaxed as possible until he threw her over his shoulders and carried her to bed.

Even after hearing this story, I still can’t imagine a mom telling her son, “Be careful of that girl, she’s only after your dignity…” So what does this say about men? Do you ever feel like you want it more than he does?

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Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

Sex Gone Wrong: Bedroom Mishaps

You’ve got a whole lot of love and you want to give it away to every Tom, Dick and Mary! While swinging around town, perking up your love life with new stud muffins sounds oh-so-sexy, there are some pitfalls of passion that could ruin the relationship you’ve already got going on. Loving more than one person at a time, or polyamory, is an exciting lifestyle, but you’ve got to make sure you’re not living too dangerously. You have to look out for jealousy, fear and, of course, number one. So, here are some tips on how to juggle multiple partners and safely share your fun lovin’ attitude about sex after the jump….

1. Silent Treatment: Not telling your partner about the other people you’re dating isn’t polyamory, it’s cheating. Openly discuss your relationships and your partner will feel included instead of jealous.

2. 2-For-1: Sharing a lover may not fulfill your desire. The “hot bisexual” is a common addition in open relationships, but it doesn’t always work. If you truly want to be free, it’s crucial that you don’t force your partner to go for the same person you want just so you can have them.

3. Handyman: You’ve got to get your relationships in working condition before you go adding on new parts. Make sure you two are built solid, otherwise, you’ll just be headed for a complete break down.

4. One In A Million: Make sure your partner knows why you love them. Assure them that they have a special spot in your heart that no one but them could ever fill. No matter who else you date, they will always remain important to you.

5. Health Nut: When you have multiple partners, you put everyone at a greater risk for passing on STDs. That doesn’t have to deter you from having the sex life your dreams, simply come to an agreement with all your partners about how you want to handle your sexual health. That way, you’ll make everyone feel safe because you openly want to protect yourself and the ones you love. Many polyamorous couples choose to be “body fluid monogamous” which simply means they use a condom with all their partners, except for one.

For five more ways to handle more than one lover, click here.

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You look good, you smell good and you’re wearing the only matching lingerie set you own. All signs point to go.

You’d think with this many green lights that there’s no way a lady could mess this up. Maybe you’d think that, but you’d be wrong. Here are just a few of the ways this could go south in a hurry:

1. Don’t depend on him for birth control. Yes, he should carry condoms, but ultimately it’s up to you — it’s your body and you need to keep yourself safe. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be, but the sad fact is, even the nicest seeming guy isn’t always as invested in keeping us disease and pregnancy-free. Even if you’re the kind of traditional lady who insists your date pay for everything (after all, you’re giving him the gift of your company), do not let stubbornness get in the way of your safe good time. And nothing ruins a good time like a below-the-belt itch or unplanned pregnancy.

2. For Pete’s sake, don’t cry. Some of us have a weird habit of occasionally bursting into tears during sex — it’s the rush of endorphins that does it, so blame biology! But, if there’s any way to pull yourself together the first time you make sweet love to your new boyfriend, try to. Waterworks will lead him to believe that either he hurt you–and in that case, will never again do that thing again — or he’ll think that you’re a mental case. Either way, you probably won’t be seeing him again anytime soon.

3. Leave the comparison talk at home. You know how almost every woman you know thinks she’s fat? Yeah, well most guys think they’re, ahem, less endowed than they actually are. Imagine if you thought a size zero was the way you thought you should look just because the model in Vogue was. Sigh.

To read the other three no-nos, click here!

5 Ways To Keep Your Man From Cheating

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And if you’re sporting a little extra pudge, incorporating these in-the-mood-foods into a healthy, plant-based diet is one of the best ways to help you get back to your sexy self. If you’re overweight, research shows losing just 10% of your body weight can improve the quality of your sex life, explains Martin Binks, PhD, of the Duke University Diet and Fitness Center. “We find that among overweight women, they bring their negative self-talk and body image issues to the bedroom, and it negatively impacts their sexual well-being.”

Here are some of the food ingredients (and my own favorite recipes) that have been major players in aphrodisiac history and lore– and also have modern-day science to help back up their claims. [From CNN Health]

Almonds
Topping my of feisty foods, almonds have long been purported to increase passion, act as a sexual stimulant, and aid with fertility. Like asparagus (another one of my favorite sexy foods), almonds are nutrient-dense and rich in several trace minerals that are important for sexual health and reproduction, such as zinc, selenium, and vitamin E. “Zinc helps enhance libido and sexual desire,” says Dr. Berman. “We don’t really understand the mechanisms behind it, but we know it works.”

Avocados
The Aztecs referred to avocados as, ahem, testicles, because of their physical shape. But the scientific reason why avocados make sense as an aphrodisiac is that they are rich in unsaturated fats and low in saturated fat, making them good for your heart and your arteries. Anything that keeps the heart beating strong helps keep blood flowing to all the right places; in fact, men with underlying heart disease are twice as likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED).

Strawberries
The color red is known to help stoke the fire: A 2008 study found that men find women sexier if they’re wearing red, as opposed to “cool” colors such as blue or green. Strawberries are also an excellent source of folic acid, a B vitamin that helps ward off birth defects in women and, according to a University of California, Berkley study, may be tied to high sperm counts in men. This Valentine’s Day, try making dark chocolate-dipped strawberries. And while we’re on the subject, there’s a reason we give chocolate on Valentine’s Day: It’s full of libido-boosting methylzanthines.

Seafood
Despite their slippery and slimy texture, oysters may be the most well-known aphrodisiac. They’re also one of the best sources of libido-boosting zinc. But other types of seafood can also act as aphrodisiacs. Oily fish– like wild salmon and herring– contain omega-3 fatty acids, which are essential for a healthy heart.

For four other sexy foods and a couple recipes to get you in the mood, click here!

People deal with breakups differently: you can hold tears back all day and splurge on a carton of ice cream at night or use that energy to go out and find another.  Does it make you a bad person if you skip the sadness stage and go right onto taking on rebounds?

I have heard both sides of this situation, and both sound pretty compelling.  On the one hand, it’s important to take some alone time and let yourself cry it out before letting your emotions go wild again.  On the other hand, you shouldn’t turn down possibly good opportunities because of something in the past.  It really comes down to whether or not breaking up is a drawn out process or if it’s just something that happens and should be dealt with quickly.

Family Dinner Night – Peruvian-Style – at Pio Pio

I’ve asked for opinions from both types of people, and these were their responses:

From the musical chairs lover- finding a new love as soon as the song stops:

“I don’t like being single.  Even if I’m not actively dating someone or seeing them everyday I need someone to say good morning or goodnight to or else I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong: I get really sad after break ups.  In fact, I put my all into relationships because I appreciate the connection so much.  But rather than force myself to go through complete misery after, I keep the sadness to a minimum and keep myself busy.  Interestingly, keeping myself busy generally means meeting lots of new people.  I by no means rebound crazy hard after break ups, but I find that meeting new people is what keeps me from feeling the most depressed.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get out there again: life’s about living.”

From the memory keeper- find life after love in yourself:

“After a break up I prepare myself to go into hibernation. Everything makes me sad and I’m not afraid to hide it.  I would rather get completely over one relationship than risk ruining another because of carried over feelings.  I always try to get myself to hang with my girls more but I find that I’m the most comfortable when I’m on my own just dealing with the problem rather than hiding from it.  I’ve heard that it usually takes about half of the time you were together to get over the person.  I’ve had it take less or more time depending on the relationship. I really think it’s all relative to the person but whoever says they are ready to start dating other people immediately is definitely lying and ruining future relationships.”

What do you think? Is there a middle ground? How do you get over break ups?

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Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

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If his style was one of the reasons you broke up, check out these tips

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work.  What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself?  Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth.  Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship.

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real.  So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?”

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface.

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother?

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to  make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process.

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be.

Good Luck!

5 Common Mistakes Women Make Verbally That Scare Men Off

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

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I remember watching things take a turn for the worse until ultimately they too ended up getting divorced. I thought if my parents can get a divorce after being married for over 20 years, what does that say about marriage as a whole. What’s more is that, not only do I see failed marriages amongst family and friends, I constantly see it in the media as well.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are black celebrity power couples (that in my honest opinion seem to stay together longer than any other race of celeb couples) that are still married and have been married since forever. Couples like Barack and Michelle Obama, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Denzel and Pauletta Washington, Omar and Keisha Epps, Beyonce and Jay Z and Snoop Dogg and Shaunte Broadus have been together for years so I am not saying that it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is that it is becoming less common to stay married and more common to divorce.

What do you think is the reason for this? Do we simply not value the union of marriage anymore or is marriage so disposable that we no longer have the desire to fight to maintain it?

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The Married Life: Who Comes First, The Mother Or The Wife?

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People deal with breakups differently: you can hold tears back all day and splurge on a carton of ice cream at night or use that energy to go out and find another.  Does it make you a bad person if you skip the sadness stage and go right onto taking on rebounds?

I have heard both sides of this situation, and both sound pretty compelling.  On the one hand, it’s important to take some alone time and let yourself cry it out before letting your emotions go wild again.  On the other hand, you shouldn’t turn down possibly good opportunities because of something in the past.  It really comes down to whether or not breaking up is a drawn out process or if it’s just something that happens and should be dealt with quickly.

Family Dinner Night – Peruvian-Style – at Pio Pio

I’ve asked for opinions from both types of people, and these were their responses:

From the musical chairs lover- finding a new love as soon as the song stops:

“I don’t like being single.  Even if I’m not actively dating someone or seeing them everyday I need someone to say good morning or goodnight to or else I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong: I get really sad after break ups.  In fact, I put my all into relationships because I appreciate the connection so much.  But rather than force myself to go through complete misery after, I keep the sadness to a minimum and keep myself busy.  Interestingly, keeping myself busy generally means meeting lots of new people.  I by no means rebound crazy hard after break ups, but I find that meeting new people is what keeps me from feeling the most depressed.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get out there again: life’s about living.”

From the memory keeper- find life after love in yourself:

“After a break up I prepare myself to go into hibernation. Everything makes me sad and I’m not afraid to hide it.  I would rather get completely over one relationship than risk ruining another because of carried over feelings.  I always try to get myself to hang with my girls more but I find that I’m the most comfortable when I’m on my own just dealing with the problem rather than hiding from it.  I’ve heard that it usually takes about half of the time you were together to get over the person.  I’ve had it take less or more time depending on the relationship. I really think it’s all relative to the person but whoever says they are ready to start dating other people immediately is definitely lying and ruining future relationships.”

What do you think? Is there a middle ground? How do you get over break ups?

Going Abroad: Experiencing Men NOT Made In America

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Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

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Ok, I’m a Gemini so excuse the indecisiveness. My dilemma: stay or go. Here are the facts:

I’ve been “seeing” dude for almost a year. Early on learned he wasn’t relationship material because he’s in love with himself. Literally. Decided to deal with him sexually no strings attached because I was surprisingly attracted to him and he conveniently lives around the corner. Perfect. The sex is amazing!

Here is the problem…

First, it’s hard for me to NOT develop feelings for a man I’m sleeping with. Just don’t have it in me. Secondly, lately my desire to be in a relationship is becoming more pressing but it’s impossible to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally retarded. I still date other men but no potential candidates and I continue to sleep with this man out of convenience. Never been my nature to settle but there’s a first time for everything. What do I do when I want more out of the situation but I don’t want to give up the “D.” Yes, I’ve talked to him about it several times: DEAD END. Stay or let it go? Ughhhh but I so want the sex though. – Ms. Addicted To The D

“After Sex He Went From Wanting To Date To Not Knowing”

Dear Ms. Addicted To The D,

Chile, not only is the man not emotionally retarded, but so are you. Don’t you know that you attract that which you are? If you want to know why you keep attracting a certain type of person into your life, well, take a good look in the mirror first. You are the magnet attracting these people.

The hell is wrong with you people. I swear many of you are emotionally, and mentally challenged when it comes to relationships. Why the hell would you insist on pursuing someone who is:

A.) Unavailable

B.) Doesn’t bring anything to the table other than sex

C.) Doesn’t want anything to do with you

You said in your own damn letter that it is not in your nature to settle. So, why the “F” would you start now? A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Baaaa-by if the United Negro College Fund didn’t say it best. I wish good sense was as natural for you as water is for life.

But, I’m glad you acknowledge that you are addicted to the “D.” That is the first sign of recovery for an addict. And, I’m going to drive this point home for all of you out there. Good “D” is addictive. Hell, even average “D” has some addictive qualities. If you find yourself like this young woman, or if you experience sexual cravings at weird hours of the day, scratching between your thighs, grabbing your breasts, shaking your head and pulling at your weave, and yelling out “Jesus” at odd times of the day when you think about the man you’re sleeping with and his “D,” then you are an addict. The “D” is your drug and I urge you seek help immediately.

Now, back to you Ms.Thang. If you know it’s hard for you to not develop feelings for a man you’re sleeping with, then why the hell are you setting yourself up for this relationship abuse, and inevitable disaster of an ending? Chile, you folks see and know the ending of your own predicaments, yet, you keep putting yourselves in these situations. Why would you set your own damn fool selves up knowing the outcome? Why would you set your own damn fool selves up knowing you’re going to cause yourself pain, anguish, and heartache? It’s because you’re crazy and the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

What do you think the outcome of a relationship with him will be? He’s self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable. What do you think will happen with a man who is unavailable, detached, and not willing to commit to anyone other than himself? Come on sister, think dammit! We’re rooting for you.

I tell you the degenerate gene is truly running rampant and the –ish is contagious. Hide your kids! Hide your family members! Hell, hide yourselves!

And, you stated that you are still dating other men while having sex with this man. I’m going to assume, and please lawd let my assumptions be accurate, that you are not also sleeping with these other men, and if you are, then I hope that you are practicing safe sex. (Nut rag). That was a Freudian slip. Sorry.

But, you stated something poignant (look it up I don’t have time to explain it), that you continue to sleep with him out of convenience. You want more and you want to settle down with him, but I strongly believe it’s not because you really like him, because you don’t know him, but because of the sex. Which you are very clear about. And, your lustful desires have convoluted (look it up I don’t have time to explain it) your dormant brain cells, which are probably more dead from all the red, blonde, and auburn dye you’ve been soaking your wig with.

Look, there is no good ending, middle, or beginning to this relationship. It’s course has already been set and destined. Stay in your lane and stop trying to change the direction and course. You can’t handle the one occupancy lane, so why are you trying to get in the HOV lane? How about you work on developing your strengths and regaining power and control over your own life? How about you develop some spiritual muscles so that you can loose this man from your life and not be dependant on a man for sex? How about you spend some quality time alone, create a healthy environment of self-love and self-appreciation before you consider being with someone who clearly is not good enough for you. And, why don’t you stop letting your body be used for sex. You are more than that. Own your beauty, power, and grace. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

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Cosmopolitan magazine recently polled 2,000 readers about what they would be willing to give up for seven days; sex, television, their computer, texting and, of course, Facebook. While 20 percent of the responses claimed that they’d rather update their status on Facebook rather than sex, it was also shown that 57 percent and 50 percent refused to give up their computer or cell phone for intimacy.

What does that say about living in a world where technology rules over human contact?

Do you prefer Facebook over sex?

Do Women Really Want A Caveman?

He Lost Interest, What’s Next?

Dating: Time To Go Back to Basics

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Wear red
Women who dress in red are seen as sexier by men than those who wear white, green, gray, or blue, according to a study at the University of Rochester. They’re even 56 percent more likely to get asked out on a date than women in blue.

Stay on your feet
At a party, standing up gets you noticed for obvious reasons: “We all pay attention to someone who’s higher up,” says psychologist Beverly B. Palmer. A more surprising detail: Watch where you point your toes. “You can tell if a person really likes you if their toes point toward you,” says psychologist Lillian Glass.

Dim the lights
Candlelight is the most romantic, but it’s not the most practical as a light source for a party. “Coral-and amber-hued bulbs are sexier than white ones and cast a beautiful glow that instantly flatters everyone in the room,” says designer Todd Oldham.

Express yourself
“We’re most attracted to people who are animated in their face and voice and body,” says Paul Ekman, professor of psychology at the University of California Medical School, San Francisco. Use hand and head movements for emphasis.

GET THE REST HERE!

20 Signs Your Booty Call Is Turning Into An Actual Relationship

The 4 Most Discreet Vibrators Ever!

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Growing up, us ladies are always warned that guys only want one thing.  Although that seems to be true, should they ever be warned the same thing? Lots of girls complain that they seem to want more in the bedroom than their man.  Does this mean that we want too much? Or maybe that guys sometimes want it less?

My friend Liz started telling me about her recent problems in the bedroom.  Whether or not his new and demanding job has anything to do with it, Liz is unhappy that he seems to be less aroused.  She feels as though she is asking for it, whereas she used to be the one being tossed into bed before her shoes came off.  “Am I doing something wrong?” She started buying more expensive panties and researching for more tricks in bed. I told her to hold off on criticizing herself until she knows what his deal is.

My next question was whether or not the sex was as good when it finally happened.  She said that in fact, the sex was probably better because she had to fight him for it. She told him exactly what she wanted and when he wasn’t going after her, she took it from him.  She found herself daydreaming about sex all day because she knew it wouldn’t just be given to her when she got home.  I suggested that she have the dreaded conversation with him and just tell him how she feels.

She confronted him saying, “Why don’t you initiate sex anymore?” He replied that of course he still enjoys having sex with her and once they get going he can’t get enough.  The fact is, he is really exhausted after work.  He looks forward to talking about his day more and relaxing with his girl rather than immediately going at each other. Liz was shocked, flattered, and extremely turned on by this reply.  After understanding his position a little better, Liz was able to control her cravings and did her best to make him feel as relaxed as possible until he threw her over his shoulders and carried her to bed.

Even after hearing this story, I still can’t imagine a mom telling her son, “Be careful of that girl, she’s only after your dignity…” So what does this say about men? Do you ever feel like you want it more than he does?

Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

On The Scene

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Sex Gone Wrong: Bedroom Mishaps

For the first time ever, Telisha brings her blogtalk radio show, Menage A Talks to a live audience! Menage a Talks, a play on the phrase ménage a trois, presents an expert panel of three; “Battle of the Sexes” will be no different.

On the Guest Panel:

Angielala- theangielalaexperience.com

Lincoln Anthony Blades- thisisyourconscience.com

Slim Jackson- singleblackmale.org

For only $15 grab a bite to eat, mix and mingle with the hottest sex/relationship bloggers, and bring along your playful side.

Location: Nightingale Lounge

Address: 213 2nd Avenue, New York, NY 10003 (NW Corner of 13th St. & 2nd Ave.)

Time: Doors open 8pm (Entertainment by Social Tapestry)

Mix and Mingle from 9-10:30pm

Show Starts 10:30pm

Tickets Available for Purchase: menageatalksinnyc.eventbrite.com (Includes admission Hors d’oeuvres + Goody bag)

I have a long and very bad habit of turning my guy friends into my boyfriends. In fact, the longest and most serious boyfriend I’ve had began as my best friend. I mean, it seems perfectly natural and correct. People always say, ‘I married my best friend,’ so I guess I took that advice literally by dating my best friend. Our relationship was great because we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company, but the down side is that, when you break up, you lose both a boyfriend and a best friend in one fell swoop.

I have great resources for this conundrum: my friends – that is, my dear girlfriends and the guys I haven’t dated (yet) – are still my friends. And I have found that the general consensus is that girls think that men and women can be friends, but guys don’t. Most of my guy friends admitted to me that they have thought about sleeping with almost every female friend they have, or used friendship as a tool to get closer to the girl in hopes of turning their friendship into more. One comment by a friend, who is literally the real-life version of Samantha from Sex and the City, said, “Men are for f***ing and women are for friendships.”

That comment blew me away because, in a lot of ways, it’s a very raw and honest statement. However, it then it occurred to me that eventually all of that intense passion and sexual lust you feel for your man will dissipate, but the unyielding bond of friendship is what really lasts. Because, at the end of the day, you just want to be with one who makes you laugh.

Women Waiting Longer To Marry, Divorce Rate Drops [REPORT]

Why I Will Never Like Hanging Out With Your Friends

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1. They text you before 8 p.m.
2. They ask how your presentation/test/interview/trial went.
3. They call you. On the phone.
4. You allow yourself to be photographed with them.
5. They spend the night, you both sleep in and then get brunch the next day.
6. The two of you are hanging out. Sober. Not hungover.
7. You kiss as a greeting (not just as a pathway to sex or out of obligation in the morning).
8. They invite you out to the bar with their friends before they’re ready to leave.
9. They loaned you a book. (You don’t loan a booty call a book.)
10. They accidentally call you “baby” (not in bed).

GET THE REST HERE!

The Ultimate “Wish I Didn’t Invite Him To Stay Over” Story

Myth: Men Who Still Live At Home Are Wack

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The Sex Toy to Try If You Want to Use It During Intercourse

The MiMi vibe is great for anyone who can’t orgasm from intercourse alone. And it will deliver. It has five vibration and pulsation patterns to choose from and works great with others. This vibrator is a perfect accompaniment to partner sex—carried in your palm, it fits easily in between your two bodies. MiMi, $79, goodvibes.com

The Sex Toy to Try If You’re Freaked Out by How They Look

Not so into phallic-looking vibrators? The Buzzlet looks more like an iPod than a sex toy—a big plus if you live with roommates or don’t enjoy getting strange looks from your cleaning lady. It has a mod, fun look, and it’s stronger and has more varying modes than many small, portable toys. Buzzlet, $80, goodvibes.com

The Sex Toy to Try If You’re Bored With All Your Old Ones

Go for an unusual shape or vibrator with a unique, advanced function: The Jimmyjane Form 2 is a favorite. Each of its two sides has its own motor, so you can position your clitoris in the middle and customize the sensation by adjusting the different settings. Form 2, $145, thepleasurechest.com

The Sex Toy to Try If You Travel Often

The Mia vibe is an excellent travel companion: It’s small, it’s cute, and here’s the best part: It charges in your USB port. When it’s not plugged into your laptop, it looks like a tube of lipstick. So charge it up and throw it in your weekend bag or carry-on. Mia, $64, goodvibes.com

GET THE REST HERE!

The Ultimate “Wish I Didn’t Invite Him To Stay Over” Story

Do Women Seek Attention Through Their Choice Of Dress?

“I Like Being Submissive To Men, But I’m Reluctant With My White Partner”

Hottest Celeb Pics Of The Week

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Since I am known for lending relationship advice and talking candidly about sex on my radio show, I am accustomed to getting questions about relationship/sex issues so to have people just open conversation about the topic is normal. But even I was speechless about this.

Years ago I’d heard of a single case like this, with a guy who was recently released from incarceration wanting his wife to strap him – I chalked that up to him having been touched while in prison and possibly liking the experience. Maybe I was naive about the B.O.B. (Bend Over Boyfriend) some 15 years ago, but after researching the trend I am finding that it is becoming increasingly common among committed heterosexual couples.

In my most recent book, Recession Proof Relationships, I write about keeping the romance steamy by experimenting in the bedroom but when I wrote it, I wasn’t thinking STRAPPING YOUR MAN. I was leaning more along the lines of role play, voyeurism, watching porn together to find new positions, tantric sex, Karma Sutra and adding sex toys to the mix.

Needless to say, the conversation was explosive. One of the ladies, who had been married for over 12 years, said that she was initially turned off when her husband approached her about strapping him. “I was like, if he wants me to do that then he must be gay”, she said, continuing on to say “I was so confused I could barely talk to him for days.” Another woman said that her man doesn’t want her to use a strap but he likes for her to insert her vibrator in him while he’s inside of her.  Huh?

I must admit that the majority of the women were just as flabber-gasted at the entire conversation as I was. The look of bewilderment and awkward silence from the other women confirmed that while it seems to be a growing trend that it is certainly not the norm.

Here is what I have to say about strapping your man:

• Do what is mutually stimulating for you both and keeps the spice in your relationship.
• Don’t feel that you have to try something for your partner that makes your stomach queasy.
• Do communicate openly and honestly about how you are feeling.
• Don’t compromise the integrity of your intuition if your gut is saying to flee the scene.
• Do be safe about any sexual exchanges.
• Don’t tell all of your girlfriends your bedroom details (could be a little over-the-top.)
• Do whatever makes you happy.

I am a firm believer that a couple must define their own rules and determine what works for them. I also advocate for living a limitless life; having the freedom to be who you are and to do what makes you happy. I even believe in unconditional love but on the continuum of sexual fluidity the blurred lines of sexuality in men is still a conundrum to me.

Why Do Men Wife-Up Sluts?

“He Admitted To Being With A She-Male But Only After I Discovered Info On His Computer”

www.AngelTyree.com

www.Facebook.com/AngelTyreeJourney

One of the most difficult conversations to have with our partners are sex-related. As a community we are over sexed and under satisfied meaning that we indulge in sex without really ever coming out on an equal playing field. I believe that if more communication and dialogue between the sexes occurred then we would be better equipped to please each other on all levels, not just sexually. Here is a list of 5 common mistakes men make sexually that turn women off:

1. Talking Up Your sex game, before the first quarter: Best believe this is the cause for many cringed faces, side eyes and missed calls. Yes, today’s woman is more sexually adept and aware than previous generations but like men, we revel in mystery. Don’t let the cat out the hat too soon, because if a man ends up having more bark than bite, it will result in many lonely nights.
2. Are we there yet: This may be more of a personal pet peeve but the more I share it, I find that more and more women can relate. Don’t ask us repeatedly if we have had an orgasm. We love that you are but some of us take a lot longer than others to achieve an earth shattering orgasm. Since orgasms require mental stimulation for the best results, interrupting my sexy thoughts with incessant whining does not help, instead encourage the action you want to see, “I would love to see you cum”.
3. Penis Pictures: In a committed and consensual relationship I suppose anything goes, but in the initial dating stages a penis pic to a woman’s (not girl’s) phone/email is the cause for dismissal. In fact fellas regardless of how much of a masterpiece you think you have, it’s insulting and demeaning. Women are interested in getting to know the man; any interaction with his “wingman” will come in time.
4. Pain is pleasure: Yes this is a popular saying but not all “pain” translates to pleasure. Perhaps this comes with age, but on behalf of the sisterhood, trade in 60 minutes of jack hammer mayhem for a variation of strokes. Always ask your partner if they are comfortable, we perform our best when our muscles are relaxed and stimulated, not when we are holding on for dear life wanting to curl into fetal position.
5. Neglecting the magic of Foreplay: It’s natural to get comfortable sexually overtime in a relationship, but I guarantee you couples who are happiest in the bedroom know what works and improves on it time after time. If you remember driving your woman wild one night you were creative with the foreplay don’t just dust that off for special occasions, rely on your imagination. Remember the imagination you were told you had to supress when you were becoming a man, that one. Foreplay is that special touch that makes your stroke game unique, don’t neglect it.

The key to successful seduction and sexual satisfaction is being confident and knowledgeable about the partner you are with. Ask questions after every roll in the hay and at the same time be prepared to hear an answer that you may not agree with. With sex everyone is a teacher and student collectively.

What are your thoughts on this list? Are there things I’m leaving out? What is the hardest sex-related conversation you had to have with your partner?

Related Articles:

5 Ways To Make Your Exit On A Bad Date

5 Reasons Why Eye Contact Is Important

Tyler Perry

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I am writing because I am a submissive in an interracial relationship. I have been topped by black men before and have no problem calling them master or being submissive to them, but I am uncomfortable doing so with a white man with whom I am seeing who has asked me to marry him. The relationship is a good one and he treats me well. The sex is also great. I have a black male friend who is topped by white woman and he doesn’t have an issue calling her master.

My friend told me it is only my insecurity, and maybe it is. Does my hesitation make it so that I am not as comfortable with this white man as I would like to think?  He is the only one I can really talk about this with because my friends have no ideal I am in the lifestyle. I have always liked men in control in the bedroom as long as I can think. I am successful and educated. I know he isn’t a racist. He has also topped white women, but still I have hesitation. – Reluctant Submissive

“I Asked My Man If He Ever Had Sex With A Man & He Said, ‘Not Unless I Was Tricked”

Dear Ms. Reluctant Submissive,

LAWD! Take me now! (Falls down, faints, gets up, falls down again, and faints again). I’ve done heard it all!

So, let me get this straight. You’re a Black woman who is dating a white man, and you’re into “Submissive sex.” For those who don’t know what that means it’s a sexual fetish to submit to a dominant partner.

I don’t understand what the problem is. You know what your sexual preference is, and yet, you knowingly got into a relationship with a white man. So, help me out here. You thought it wouldn’t get physical? You thought you could turn off your fetish and go get you a Black man to handle the bedroom domination? I mean I’m really confused. Why are you dating him if you know what you like in the bedroom?

Oh, I get it. You don’t want to call him master because of the 400 years of slavery we experienced, and the psychological residue that lingers in your psyche, and you feel if you call him master then you will resort back to your Kizzy days. You can’t see yourself playing the slave with the slave master sneaking into your cabin to take advantage of you. You may snap during one of your role playing encounters and start thinking of ways to slowly kill your master? Or, he may slip up and call you the “N” word while he’s topping you, and then all that role playing gets thrown out the window when you resort back to Keisha and get all kinds of ignant on him! I can hear and see you now rolling your head with your hands on your hips and pointing your finger. “Don’t get it twisted up in here! Just because I’m a Black woman who is submissive it don’t mean I won’t ‘F’ you up for saying some –ish like that. I’ll whoop your MF’ing ass and make you my bitch!” LOL! Then who will be the submissive one?

SMDH! I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m digressing because I get all types of letters from various people, but this right here takes the MF’ing cake! I’m trying to wrap my mind around this being submissive to someone who takes control over your body, you willingly submit, and you actually find pleasure in that. Where they do that at? But, if you like, I love it for you!

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program and to answer your question on whether it’s your hesitation or being uncomfortable with this white man topping you, uhm, yes, it is your own insecurities. It is your own hesitation that is preventing you from crawling on your hands and knees, bowing down, being bound and gagged, and being totally submissive to a white man as he whips, demeans, berates, and takes control over you. But, I don’t blame you. I don’t think I would feel comfortable either. Hell, I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable. That’s some mental –ish where I don’t think I can go to mentally. Let me stop right here before I say something and folks start sending me letters because I know I will really offend some groups.

Look, I think you should talk with your partner and let him know your hesitation. Let him know how uncomfortable you are with the idea of him topping you and you being submissive to him. I would suggest setting some boundaries, but then it would no longer make you submissive would it?

Chile, who I am fooling, and who are you fooling? Get out of this relationship. It’s not going to work. And, he may very well not be racist, but there is some doubt, some reluctance on your behalf to allow yourself to be topped by a white man. So, what issues are you dealing with you? There are some things you may need to work on emotionally and mentally. Especially with this damn domination behavior. What happened when you were younger? Where did this fascination to be dominated by men come into play? And, I can’t believe that he asked you to marry him. LMBAO! Girl, that man may have a moment at the wedding and while you’re saying your vows he may make you say, “To love, honor, and obey because I’m your master.” I can only see your family now, and everyone’s head jerking around. Someone will yell, “What the ‘F’ did he just say? I know he didn’t say, ‘because I’m your master.’” Then a fight will ensue and it’ll be all over the nightly news.

It’s not going to work Kizzy! Don’t play yourself. Literally, don’t play yourself. I don’t want to see you catch a case you can avoid. I know you like pushing the boundaries and doing some crazy –ish, but uhm, don’t push the envelope to much because you’ll find yourself over the edge. Let him go. Stay within the confines of your comfort. It will only take a tongue mishap, and then him trying to explain from his hospital bed, “I was caught up in the moment.” LOL! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!

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You’ve got a whole lot of love and you want to give it away to every Tom, Dick and Mary! While swinging around town, perking up your love life with new stud muffins sounds oh-so-sexy, there are some pitfalls of passion that could ruin the relationship you’ve already got going on. Loving more than one person at a time, or polyamory, is an exciting lifestyle, but you’ve got to make sure you’re not living too dangerously. You have to look out for jealousy, fear and, of course, number one. So, here are some tips on how to juggle multiple partners and safely share your fun lovin’ attitude about sex after the jump….

1. Silent Treatment: Not telling your partner about the other people you’re dating isn’t polyamory, it’s cheating. Openly discuss your relationships and your partner will feel included instead of jealous.

2. 2-For-1: Sharing a lover may not fulfill your desire. The “hot bisexual” is a common addition in open relationships, but it doesn’t always work. If you truly want to be free, it’s crucial that you don’t force your partner to go for the same person you want just so you can have them.

3. Handyman: You’ve got to get your relationships in working condition before you go adding on new parts. Make sure you two are built solid, otherwise, you’ll just be headed for a complete break down.

4. One In A Million: Make sure your partner knows why you love them. Assure them that they have a special spot in your heart that no one but them could ever fill. No matter who else you date, they will always remain important to you.

5. Health Nut: When you have multiple partners, you put everyone at a greater risk for passing on STDs. That doesn’t have to deter you from having the sex life your dreams, simply come to an agreement with all your partners about how you want to handle your sexual health. That way, you’ll make everyone feel safe because you openly want to protect yourself and the ones you love. Many polyamorous couples choose to be “body fluid monogamous” which simply means they use a condom with all their partners, except for one.

For five more ways to handle more than one lover, click here.

7 Ways To Glam Up Your Walk Of Shame

6 Things We Should Never Have To Apologize For

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

There is so much I need to talk to you about! I just mustered up the balls to write this so here we go. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and we’ve had a great life together up until about 6 weeks ago when I walked in on him having sex with a 22-year old blonde bimbo. I was devastated and left the house for a week because I didn’t want to be around him.

He called me every day and I finally answered and after my cool down period I went and saw him. He begged for my forgiveness and after the most amazing sex we’ve ever had – I know that’s cliché – and I gave in but I do love him.

I caught him again two weeks later and he asked me if I wanted to try a threesome with them both…I hesitated but then gave in because I realized I couldn’t change his ways but I did not want to lose him. We have been carrying out this open relationship for the past 3 weeks and I now realize I made the wrong decision. I have only given him the impression that what he is doing is okay and now I am extremely unhappy. I would like to put all of this to a stop without losing him, please help me. – It’s Complicated

“He’s Left Me Again For The Umpteenth Time, But Why Do I Feel So Bad?”

Dear Ms. It’s Complicated,

(*   *) Blank stare at you! What the hell?!?! SMDH!

This is why I have been on hiatus for a while. Asinine letters from asinine women who do dumb stupid ish then want me to come in and figure it out for them in a letter. Girl, puhlease! Miss me already!

I swear the silly and dumb as a doorknob gene is running rampant in our world. And, women like you are being misdiagnosed and untreated.

If you caught your husband in bed with another woman, why did you go back? I don’t care how much pleading, begging, and over-the-top make-up sex he gave you, it does not discount the fact that he cheated on you not once but twice. And, then he asks you to join them and your stupid ass does? Oh, girl, I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!

Now, you’re involved in an open relationship with your husband and his mistress. Honey, I wish I could make this stuff up, and think we live in a world where everything is rosey-posey, and folks have some type of morals and values. But, I see with your buffoonery and ass backwards self that it’s just not the case. I bet you were dropped on the head as a baby, and then fell and bumped your head again as an adult. Do you wear a helmet to bed?

UGH! Now you’re asking my advice because after 3 weeks you’ve realized you’ve made a mistake by engaging in a three-some with your husband and his young hot tender. You think? What the hell am I asking you that question for, it’s obvious you don’t think.

Well, uhm, dumbass of the week. You can’t go to your husband now and tell him you don’t want to continue this three-some sex affair after you’ve given him the impression that it’s okay. Really? Really! Really? Now you want him to stop his sex games and be solely monogamous with you again? Girl, go sit on the edge of the mountain because I’m going to drop kick your big head ass off the mountain.

And, know this – if you give your husband an ultimatum, guess who he is going to choose? He’s going to choose his young tender over you. As a matter of fact, he already has. You were an afterthought. He didn’t think of you while he was banging chick in your house. And, in the words of Evelyn from Basketballs Wives, “You’re a non-motherf***ing factor!”

Honey, it’s time you packed up his –ish, put his ass out, and get them divorce papers in order. Clean out the bank account, sell all his –ish, and take yourself on a trip to the Caribbean. Girl, trust me, there’s no bringing him back from this fantasy. He’s too far gone, and he’s mentally and physically left you. And, he’s going to continue banging her back out, as well as some other woman he finds to be dumb enough to join their little tryst. I can’t believe you allowed yourself to get involved in that hotmess.com. Where are your values and morals? Where is your self-esteem? Girl, you sound just like another d**k sprung chick who is sharing d**k, and have allowed the man to think it’s okay. SMDH! What backwoods community or trailer park do you live in? And, I hope you’re using condoms. Lawd, I know you’re not. You’re a trifling low down dirty nut-rag just like the girl your husband is sleeping with. And, he’s just as trifling and low down. You know what, I suggest you tell him you want to have one last go round, and get the biggest dildo, and butt plug and tell him it’s your fantasy to see him get screwed, and just ram it up in him, or better yet, get a real man to do it. LMBAO! Let me stop. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!

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I have been avoiding this celibacy question for a couple of years now because I don’t want to be the cause of a person going to hell.

As a Christian, I know that we are supposed to wait until we are married before having sex. Having said that, I find it necessary to keep it real at all times. All times.

When keeping it real, discussion points have to be placed in perspective. The perspective required here is that of the Average Single Sexually Active Man. Let’s call him Sam. The question at hand is, Will Sam give up having sex for you? After careful assessment of the data collection from my previous field research, I have decided that this topic is much more complicated than it initially seems. You know what? Let’s just talk directly to Sam.

Read More: Celibacy in 2011: Does She Have To Give It Up?

Check out my interview with Tom Joyner & Jacque Reid about Celibacy in 2011 below:

Today Is “Basic Tuesday” – Basic Letters From Basic Women

Six Reasons To Date More Than One Man At A Time

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Twitter.com/StevenJDixon
Facebook.com/StevenJamesDixon

“Men Don’t Heal, We Ho – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men” is now available on RelationshipBeast.com .
- Audio Book Available on iTunes.

Register for the RelationshipBeast Mailing List on RelationshipBeast.com !

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Ummm, okay so I just finished reading your recent book. I am assuming it was directed to a more mature audience, still I’ve found it as helpful as it was informative…but anywho, about me. I turn 18 years old this month and a while back I made a promise to myself and to God to give my virginity to my husband, a promise which I am still fully committed to. Being the only virgin and the most attractive in my circle of friends has its advantages and disadvantages. I have also decided to remain single until next year since I have so much going on between my senior year in high school and entering the world of college. Because of the drama I’ve been through before with exes I seriously want to avoid drama at all costs (or at least for now.) Basically I just wanted to know if you could possibly give me any advice on going about dating and interacting with prospective suitors in the future while maintaining my standards and keeping my promise to myself and to God. Thanks in Advance – The Virgin Chronicles

“Today Is Basic Tuesday – Basic Letters From Basic Women”

Dear Ms. Virgin Chronicles,

First, let me thank you for purchasing my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I really appreciate the love and support. I love helping a DIVA-IN-TRAINING. And, uhm, (Clears throat, stands on podium, tapes mic, and dust my shoulders) every woman reading my column better have bought a copy of my book. The link is below to order it on Amazon.com, or you can get it any bookstore.

Second, I am thrilled to hear of a young woman, 18 years old, and still a virgin. Chile, I swear if I could find a virgin today, at your age, in any hood, I would give a hundred dollars to each one. LMBAO! Just kidding, because I know I will get an influx of emails from young women across the country, “claiming” they are virgins. And, notice I put the word claiming in quotes. Honey, I will be at every gynecologist’s office proving them wrong, and then their parents will be shocked and bewildered that their little Keisha, Na-Na, and Shaquan are not virgins. LOL! These fast ass kids today are skipping school and having orgies in their parent’s home, and the parents are clueless to the parties. Oh, I’ve seen the fliers, and text messages they send one another. They skip school on a designated date, have a time, location, and the kids get bucked wild. And, it’s in some you reader’s home that this is happening in. You better check your kids!

Third, girl, don’t fret and don’t let nothing come between your promise to yourself and God in remaining a virgin. Honey, wait until you get to college and the boys on the yard get word, whiff, and a hint of a virgin is on the campus, the p***y hounds will be on you like a tacky glued in weave with the tracks showing. You will be able to see their real and true colors. Those boys will be all up on you trying their best to throw the “D” at you and in you!

And, be careful of this game called the Missouri Sleeper. Honey, she is nothing nice, and it’s generally a game they play on Freshmen girls the first day, week, or month of school. If you hear someone or any boys mentioning the Missouri Sleeper, girl, you better run, and I mean run fast, far, and hide. They are trying to get you and your “precious!” LOL

My advice on dating and interacting with prospective suitors is to let them know up front your morals and values. Don’t be ashamed to let them know you are a virgin and are holding out until marriage. That is truly commendable and responsible. If they can’t deal with your commitment to yourself and God, then let those bums hit the pavement. Don’t compromise who you are for some knucklehead who only got sex on the brain and only thinks with his little head and not his big one. Boys, and I said BOYS, will tell you anything to get in your pants, and want to be the first one to bust your cherry. Don’t listen to anything they say. They are all lies. He doesn’t love you. You’re not the most special or different girl he’s met, and you certainly are not the woman of his dreams and he wants to marry you one day. Chile, tell that sucker to show you “one day” on the calendar. Honey, you will hear the every line in the Playa Handbook. I can send you a copy but then all the men will be mad at me, but hell, you make me an offer I can’t refuse and I selling it to every woman.

And, notice how many times you’ll hear, “I love you,” and “You’re different.” Honey, every time you hear it ask for a dollar because when they know you’re a virgin they all will tell you how much they love you, and for every boy who tells you he loves you, you can collect all those dollars and be a millionaire.

So, Ms. Virgin Chronicles, stay true to yourself, and God. The right man, and notice I said MAN, will show up and reveal himself. God will let you know when the man for you shows up and you will feel it in your heart. He will show himself approved and worthy of your heart, mind, soul, and body. And, until then, you let all the boys on the yard, and all potential suitors know they can smell it and admire it, but they can’t touch it. And, here’s the song you sing, “My na-na brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right it’s better than yours. It’s pure and clean. You can try it, but I’ll have to charge.”  - Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Where to start? I met a man that I was sexual attracted to, and then as we got to know each other I enjoyed him mentally as well. But, let’s just get to the point. We were intimate and it was great. We dated, talked, went to poetry readings, walks in the park and then it happened.  We had only been intimate once and then he hit me with the high school version of, “If you like me, then you would give me oral sex.”  WHAT???? That was my first reply, and then he started to explain that he enjoyed that and thinks that he should get it if I like him.

Well, I do like him, but I am a bit older then he (I’m 32 years old), but I am not about to play games. I don’t know him well enough to just do that. And, just because everyone else he has dealt with does it on the first date or first sexual encounter has nothing to do with me. I just want to know is this what the world is coming to, that in order to let a man know you want him or you’re interested in him that you must blow him? If so, then why isn’t it that men don’t just give women oral sex to say, “Hey, I like you and I think we could be something?”

Please advise me as to what I need to do or what I may be doing wrong that keeps me single? Signed Ms. Wow Just Wow

“The Pastor Dumped Me Because I Was Too Street & Not First Lady Material”

Dear Ms. Wow Just Wow,

WHAT!!!! Are you kidding me? For real, Ms. Thang! You’ve already had sex with the man and you’re appalled that he asked you for oral sex? Girl, you gots to be joking. You’ve already been intimate with this man, allowing penetration into your love canal, French kissing, and exploring one another’s body parts, yet you think oral sex is beneath you! Stop the madness.

Girl, I can tell you this now, and I need for you to lean close to the computer screen and listen closely. I need you to hear this loud and clear, (clears throat): WHATEVER YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES AND NEEDS ARE IN THE BEDROOM, YOU SHOULD SPEAK CANDIDLY AND OPENLY WITHYOUR MATE ABOUT THEM. YOUR MATE CANNOT ASSUME OR MAKE ASSUMPTIONS THAT WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO YOU, AND FOR YOU, PLEASES YOU, AND IS PLEASURABLE. YOU HAVE TO LET YOUR PARTNER KNOW WHAT YOU ENJOY. HOW TO TOUCH YOU. HOW TO KISS YOU. HOW TO CARESS YOU. AND, HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU. AND, IF HE HAS EXPRESSED HIS DESIRE FOR ORAL SEX, HONEY, YOU BETTER GET YOUR ORAL SKILLS IN ORDER. GET THEM LIPS READY, LEARN HOW TO BREATH THROUGH YOUR NOSE, AND MAKE SURE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY GAG REFLEXES. BECAUSE TRUST AND BELIEVE, IF YOU DON’T PROVIDE HIM WITH SOME BECKY, THERE IS A BECKY WAITING IN THE WINGS TO TAKE YOUR PLACE. TRUST!

I can’t believe that you were that put off by his request. Really? Really! How old are you? Chile, you’d think you were in middle school. I can see you now when he made the suggestion. Your face was all scrunched up. Hands on your hip, eyes cocked, smacking your lips, rolling your head and waving your finger and saying, “I don’t know you like that! I ain’t no freak or no hoe!” But, while you’re saying what you won’t do, trust me, he is plotting of way to get you to do it. And, when you don’t, he will be out of there. Yes, darling, he may maintain the relationship with you, but know that he is getting serviced by some other woman who is happy to oblige his request, and she will probably swallow.

By the way, I need for you to peep the two videos below.

Look, Ms. Wow Just Wow, yes, men should return the favor. Men should give happily just as they receive happily, but you’ve got to let him know your desires as well. If you want to be serviced then tell him. Let him know how to lick, suck, and pluck it. Tell him how you want to sit on his face and lock them thighs on his face. LMBAO! Girl, you better speak up, just like he spoke up. And, stop being such a prude. You’re trying to be all fancy and cute, but I know you like, no love bobbing your head up and down and getting your life on some man meat. I read between the lines when you said in your letter, “Well, I do like him….I don’t know him well enough to just do that.” Stop playing yourself, and trying to play me. I will knock you upside your big ass head. I can’t stand these Prissy-I’m-Too-Good-And-I-Don’t-Get-Down-Like-That-Bougie-Fakeness. You’re trying to act like you’ve never done it before, and how it disgusts you. Chile, BOO! Honey, I know you’re a freak. And, after your intimate encounter with him, I gather he figured that out as well. And, girl, you’ll be amazed at the things some men are into and have no qualms in asking women to do to them. You should check out the many letters I get from women whose men are asking them to use a strap on and plunge deep inside them. Yes, some men want their backs dug out, too! BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would be put off by your mate asking  you to perform a sex act that you were not comfortable in doing?

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

“I’ma sip Moscato and you gon’ lose them pants, then I’ma throw this money while you do it with no hands”

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Please offer any advice you can. Thanks

OK, I have been in a relationship with a man for seven years. He is 27 and I’m 26, and we have a 4-year old daughter together. For the most part our relationship is good. I have never caught him cheating, he’s always been there for me and my daughter financial, and he’s there on holidays. We spend time with his family and my family on holidays, as well as friends, so no problem there. Every now and then we talk about our future, but not as much as I would like. We haven’t discussed marriage at all. I don’t want to bring it up and run him away because I understand that both of us are still fairly young, but I do want to be his wife.

Top 9 Must-See Black Films

The problem is sex. I’ve noticed that we only have sex once a week, or once every 8 or 9 days. It’s been this way for at least the last two years I’d say. Now, in the beginning of the relationship we lived together, but we broke up and got back together, but continued to live separately. He use to perform oral sex on me, which is the only way I can get off, but he hasn’t in a while. It’s just kind of seems a little rushed. There have been times in the past when I brought up this issue to him and he had some great excuse, which kind of made sense, but not really.

I’ve been thinking that it’s me, but I can’t really figure it out. Since we’ve been together I look about the same. I’d say I’ve gain 10-15 pounds (in the right places), my attitude is different of course since I’m not a young anymore, but I have no idea what it is.

He is a good guy, has a job, owns some houses, handsome, has never disrespected me or my daughter, never heard any rumors, no females have never came to me with drama about him, his family loves me, and I can ask him for anything. So please help me figure out what the problem is. Now, he is the first man I’ve ever been with sexually, so I’m not a pro but I am willing to learn if I’m slacking, but we have to start having sex to practice right? LOL! Am I overreacting and is this normal in long-term relationships? I’ve never shared this with anyone because everyone thinks our relationship is perfect. So please give me some advice. Thank You. – Needs Some Spice

“I Married Right Out Of High School, But Nothing Turned Out As Planned”

Dear Ms. Needs Some Spice,

Honey, you need more than some spice. You need some sugar, honey, flavored oils, lubricants, toys, lingerie, and some fierce sex talk.

You know what, call your man right now and tell him how you want him to come over right now and, “______ the _____ out of me, right now!” And then I want you to whisper to him, “I need your big _____ and I want to ______ and ______ and ______ with it all night long!”

Chile, I don’t have time for this today. And, ugh! You’re working my nerves with this letter. All this “kind of” business. He use to perform oral, but it seems “kind of” rushed. You brought up the issue and he had some great excuses which “kind of” made sense. Chile, there is no such thing as “kind of”. Either you are or you aren’t. The oral sex isn’t “kind of” rushed, it is! The excuses don’t “kind of” make sense. They don’t. Stop being such a passive aggressive person. I just want to snatch you by the neck! I see why your man has been with you for 7 years and doing his own thing. You are just as complacent as that wig sitting on top of your head. Honey, you are the most feeble-minded person, I swear. All this I don’t want to disturb the waters nonsense has got to stop. You’re just going along and not even sure where you’re going. You’re just aimlessly riding on the yellow bus.

Girl, and this “I don’t want to bring up marriage and run him away.” Uhm, boo boo, you’ve been with the man for 7 YEARS! What the hell you scared of? Chile, I can’t do you weak spineless and timid women. You better speak up and say something. Are you scared of him? What is he going to say if you bring up marriage? SMDH, I can’t with you today.

Honey, I don’t understand this 7 years of being in relationship and no talk of marriage. Really! Really, girl? No wonder he is giving you these “kind of” excuses. Your behind is sitting up there telling yourself, no, let me rephrase that, you’ve convinced yourself, “Well, I got this picture perfect relationship, on the outside. He’s everything a woman would need and want. He’s got a job, home, and takes care of me and my daughter. He treats us well and our families know of one another, but I’m not sexually satisfied. He is not taking care of me in the bedroom and I’m frustrated.” You’re really afraid to speak up because you think another woman is going to swoop in and get him. Chile, let me tell you something, if he is your man, HE IS YOUR MAN! Nobody, or nothing can take what is deemed for you. And, trust me, if he isn’t doing you, then he is doing somebody! BAM! BOOM! POW!

I love how you took the blame for his lack of sexual energy or interest. So you really think it’s you? Hmph! When you used to live together, he performed frequently, but you broke up, he moved into his own place, you got back together and continue to live separately, and your sex life is as frequent as once a week or every 8 or 9 days, and he doesn’t really perform oral on you. So, I’m going to ask you again, do you think you’re the problem, or him? And, if your sex life isn’t what it used to be, or how it was, and it’s not fascinating and he’s going through the motions, then, I don’t know sweetie, but I figure he is either getting it someplace else, or he is disinterested. But, again, ponder this, if he isn’t doing you, then where do you think he is getting it from? I’ll wait for you to think about it.

Look, Ms. Needs Some Spice, if you need some good head, and schlong in your life, you better tell your man. A closed and unused vagina doesn’t get fed. If he rates as a 10 for being a good man, and you want the bedroom to match, then you’ve got some work to do. You can bring the ”A” game and upgrade your sex life. And, as I’ve said before, get you some scented lubricant oils and gels and start working the magic. Honey, get to Victoria Secretions and get you some sexy lingerie, lots of crotch-less ones, and some fierce pumps. Don’t let your lack thereof, nor your inexperience, prevent you from bringing out the inner freak in you. I see her screaming at the door demanding that you let her out. Start using your imagination and get into some role-playing. Be the naughty girl who is sent to the principal’s office. Or, better yet, be the renter in one of his houses who is late with the payment and you’re willing to do whatever to stay for another month. Girl, you better hit it to book store, or the sex shop and get you some books on various positions, and some toys (handcuffs, vibrators, dildos, and whips and spikes) and let your inner freak be released. And, watch some porn. Honey, those tricks can definitely teach you a thing or two. Don’t be afraid to explore. You’re trying to come off as the good girl in this letter, and although your man may like a good girl, he may also want a bad girl sometimes, too. And, stop being afraid to open your mouth. Speak up and tell him about your needs, and ask him about his. Find out what his fantasies are, and start making them a reality. And, get out of the bedroom, start exploring different parts of the house like the kitchen, bathroom, basement, outdoors, the stairs, or even get out of the house and go someplace romantic. Girl, I’m done. I don’t have time for you special needs children today. Class is dismissed! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How would you spice up your sex life if your man or woman wasn’t servicing your needs?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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1. Massage Candles
These aren’t your typical pour on wax candles. These candles melt down into a warm oil that you can pour on and then give your man a nice heated sensual massage. First, light the candle then set the mood and get down to the action!
28, jimmyjane.com

2. I.O.U Sex Coupons
Nothing says love like a sexy I.O.U. Use these in a gift for your man and we’re positive he’ll be hounding you down to redeem the goodies!
5.95, amazon.com

3. Position Of The Day Playbook
Ladies, missionary isn’t the only position out there. Pick up this book for ideas on how to bend and flex in new ways that will reignite the flame.
10.36, amazon.com

How To Keep The Spice In Your Relationship

4. Warming Lube
In the cold winter months nothing says hot hot hot like a warming lubricant. Snuggle up and stay cozy with Emertia Oh! and have a safe and sexy holiday.
9.99, emerita.com

5. Sexual Chocolate
Chocolates are always very romantic gifts but let’s try something a little more naughty for the holiday season. You can immortalize your naughty bits in chocolate with this product. That’s a treat he won’t forget!
15.53, sextoy.com

6. Orgasm In A Box
The lovely folks at Babeland have created these cute gift kits of sexy toys that will give you everything you need for a steamy night! There’s a his and a hers so why not get both for jolly ol’ time!
18, babeland.com

8 Crazy Facts About Sex Toys

7. Get Kinky
Take that blindfold and put it on him! If you’re feeling super adventurous use the silk restraints to tie him up too. This way you can take all these sexy gifts and give him the biggest surprise he’s ever had!
18, babeland.com

1. Massage Candles
These aren’t your typical pour on wax candles. These candles melt down into a warm oil that you can pour on and then give your man a nice heated sensual massage. First, light the candle then set the mood and get down to the action!
28, jimmyjane.com

2. I.O.U Sex Coupons
Nothing says love like a sexy I.O.U. Use these in a gift for your man and we’re positive he’ll be hounding you down to redeem the goodies!
5.95, amazon.com

3. Position Of The Day Playbook
Ladies, missionary isn’t the only position out there. Pick up this book for ideas on how to bend and flex in new ways that will reignite the flame.
10.36, amazon.com

How To Keep The Spice In Your Relationship

4. Warming Lube
In the cold winter months nothing says hot hot hot like a warming lubricant. Snuggle up and stay cozy with Emertia Oh! and have a safe and sexy holiday.
9.99, emerita.com

5. Sexual Chocolate
Chocolates are always very romantic gifts but let’s try something a little more naughty for the holiday season. You can immortalize your naughty bits in chocolate with this product. That’s a treat he won’t forget!
15.53, sextoy.com

6. Orgasm In A Box
The lovely folks at Babeland have created these cute gift kits of sexy toys that will give you everything you need for a steamy night! There’s a his and a hers so why not get both for jolly ol’ time!
18, babeland.com

8 Crazy Facts About Sex Toys

7. Get Kinky
Take that blindfold and put it on him! If you’re feeling super adventurous use the silk restraints to tie him up too. This way you can take all these sexy gifts and give him the biggest surprise he’s ever had!
18, babeland.com

Take a look at the sexy Christmas gifts you could give your man this holiday season:

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