In spite of the gossip and rumors of separation, Oprah and Stedman have continued to blossom in their love and support of one another. In 2010 during an interview with Jenny McCarthy, Oprah rebuffed these claims stating, “We’ve never broken up once. They’re always lies,” said Oprah, adding, “I do regret ever mentioning him” in the press.

READ MORE ‘Black History In Love’: Make It Last Forever: Jay-Z And Beyonce

In the past few years, Oprah has opened up about her personal life, demonstrating that long-term couples can find happiness living non-traditional lives, without marriage and children.

Why She Loves Him: In her 2010 interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah stated of Stedman, “I don’t know of another man on this planet who could have lived this life with such dignity, such grace and such respect and humility in it and still hold his own and be his own.”  Despite Oprah’s significant fame, Stedman has maintained his own identity and remained by her side through it all.

During her appearance on the Piers Morgan Show, Oprah candidly discussed a family member selling her out to the tabloids for $20,000. In response to Stedman’s support at that traumatic time in her life, she said, “here is someone who is willing to stand in and stand up for you. And that is love.”

Why He Loves Her: Though the two rarely make public appearances together, Stedman surprised the audience by walking out on stage and paying tribute to Oprah during Part 2 of the ‘Surprise Oprah! A Farewell Spectacular.’ “It really does amaze me that I get to be around a woman who changes peoples’ lives every day and who also takes her own lunch to work,” Stedman said. “I cannot, honey, believe that a colored girl from the backwoods of Mississippi has done all that you have done … But you know what really is amazing? You have done this, sweetheart, through all of the sacrifices you have made and the humility that you have and through God’s amazing grace. I love you for making a difference in my life.”

READ: 5 Embarrassing Black Moments We Wished Never Happened

Why They Work: Again during her Piers Morgan appearance, Oprah said it best “the reason why this relationship has worked as well as it has is that we each got to define ourselves in it and not in a traditional form.”  In the early 2000s, Oprah and Stedman made a conscious effort to pull back on their public appearances together, stating that “every time we showed up in public… there’d be another exploitative story.” Maintaining their privacy and the integrity of their relationship has definitely been the keystone to their success as a couple.

Why We Love Them: Oprah and Stedman have battled it out with the media for the past 26 years, choosing to live outside of society’s norms and embracing their own definition of happiness.  Oprah once said about her relationship, “the truth of the matter is, had we gotten married we wouldn’t be together now, because in no way is this a traditional relationship.” Thus proving that happiness doesn’t have to be defined by a ring or a label.

Please help!  I’ve been going with my “fiancé” for nearly four years.  His ex divorced him five years ago (we met a year after his divorce), after they were married for 15 years. He has a now-17-year-old son with her. There were a lot of issues in his marriage and admits he was a terrible father. He had a substance and alcohol addiction problem and had difficulties holding down a job. He currently owes a LOT of back child support. He now works a fairly good job, although it’s low paying (but regular and long hours), and child support payments are deducted from his paychecks.

However, I feel his past issues with the ex are not my problem. I’ve tried to be supportive of him, even though we’ve had our own issues:  He has stolen from me and lied to me.  We’ve been in counseling and have tried to heal and I’ve tried to work with him to rebuild the trust.  Yet, he’s secretive about his relationship with the ex.

I feel it’s out of guilt that he behaves the way he does, and I feel she manipulates him because of the way he treated her in the marriage. (He may even have been unfaithful to her; I’m not sure.)  But now she’s DIVORCED from him. She shouldn’t be trying to get MY money from him. (We were living together for a year and-a-half until I kicked him out because he took money that he earned from side jobs that I found for him and gave the money to HER.)

Now he’s living with his brother and sister-in-law, sleeping in a kids’ bedroom and living like a 16-year-old with a 10 p.m. curfew. (I think this is good for him and is exactly what he needs at this point.)  His brother and sister-in-law will not put up with any crap from him. I tried not to, but he walked all over me. When he is late coming home now (past his 10 p.m. curfew), he has to sleep outside in his car. He isn’t allowed to have a key to his brother’s house.

He has asked me to let him come back and live with me. I’ve told him NO WAY. He wants to marry me, or so he claims, but he still carries on a secret relationship with the ex.

I understand that he will always have to have contact with her because of their son. BUT:  He visits with her at her house and never tells me when or what’s going on. I’ve NEVER met her, and she won’t allow me near their house. Once, we pulled up in her driveway after church (I was waiting in the car), and she came out of the house screaming and told him to get his “girlfriend” off the property and never to bring “her” near the house again or she would call the police. She won’t let me near the 17-year-old son and badmouths me to the son, whom I’ve only seen twice in the nearly four years I’ve been going with my fiancé.

How do I handle this? My fiancé is not moving toward marrying me. We’re Catholic and since both of us have been married before, in order to be married in the Church, we have to go through the annulment process. I started the paperwork process with our Church two years ago, but my fiancé won’t continue with the paperwork. It’s always an excuse. He has not been able to put any money away and is always broke. (He’s bankrupt.) He had a chance to get his bankruptcy resolved by my CPA for whom I work (free of charge) and he canceled the appointment. Now my CPA doesn’t want anything to do with him.

He still claims I’m “the love of his life” and that “one day” I will be his wife and that I’m his “wife” in his mind.

What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.

The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation. Thanks for your advice. – He’s My Man

Dear Ms. He’s My Man,

Girl, girl, girl! Really? Really! Today, you’re going to bring this bull-ish to me and it’s only the middle of the damn week?!

I was cracking up reading your letter and saying to myself, “She is truly a bird. She is truly special. And, I’m talking about special ed. As a matter of fact, I’m enrolling you in my special ed classes at my Academy for Retarded Ass-Backward Women Who Don’t Know Their Ass From A Hole In A Ground.”

You have got to be out of your got damn mind to want to marry this man. You have got to be the dumbest woman living on the face of earth to even get wrapped up in this madness and drama with this man.

I’m going to list several reasons why you should not get married to him:

1.)    He has stolen from you.

2.)    He has lied to you.

3.)    You’ve only met his 17-year old son twice in four years.

4.)    He is a drug addict and alcoholic.

5.)    He is broke and bankrupt.

6.)    He is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Trust me. He is!

7.)    He is keeping secrets from you, and therefore, he is not honest or truthful, or trustworthy.

8.)    He’s living in his brother and sister-in-law’s home, with a curfew, and he has no key to the home because they don’t even trust him.

9.)    The money he earned from side jobs you helped him find he gave the money to his ex.

Finally, in order to get married you have to file annulment paperwork, which you have done, but he somehow can’t seem to finish. Thus, this means you’re not worth the time and effort. In essence: YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!

Now listen here, sweetie, if every time you go out of your way to help him, and he doesn’t want to help himself, then why do you keep getting on your knees and kissing his left and right ass cheeks? Stop licking and sucking his ass. He’s not worth it.

But here’s the thing, all of you are treating him like a kid. Which he is. You’re babying him and holding his hand, and trying to get him to do the right thing. His brother is babying him and treating him like a kid. And, even his ex-wife is coddling him and manipulating him. Hmmmm, you see where I’m going with this? He’s a grown ass kid and won’t make any adult choices for himself because all of you are doing it for him. How about all of you treat him like an adult, and when he finds himself with no place to live, struggling with his finances, and he has to actually do things for himself, then hopefully his grown ass will grow the “F” up.

I’m going to wrap this up and I hope you will think for once in your life. And, I mean actually use your brain for something more intellectual other than watching Jerry Springer, Maury, and other non-academic or brain stimulating activities. How can this man actually afford to take care of you if he owes sooooo much back child support, he’s financially inept, bankrupt, and works a minimum wage job?  And, you say he says that you’re the love of his life. LMBAO! You’re actually wrong. You are the mother of his life. Don’t get it twisted. Then you ask, “What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.” Then stop. Someone can’t break your heart unless you allow them to. Stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his crusty nasty ass feet on your heart.

You go on to say, “The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation.” If you know this and he’s not doing anything to help the situation, then why are you still there? Why are you hoping he will do what he’s supposed to and after five years of being with him he’s done nothing for you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to end this and let it marinate in your thick ass brainless skull. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

Valentine ’s Day is my least favorite Hallmark holiday. Perhaps it’s from years of living in singleland, and receiving lame gifts when attached, or the anniversary I celebrated on that day with someone who is no longer in my life.

Forget about me for a minute, I dislike the way v-day excludes and divides single and attached folks, preying on already existing self-esteem issues.

It has me longing to go back to the good ole days in grade school; everyone was included when cards were distributed. You would go home, empty out your bag and get geeked off of silly cards and candy.

V-day as adult generally sucks if you’re not hitched in some way. There is simply no part in the fun for your single behind. V-day also sucks if you have a smothering no-good lover who uses the holiday to let his first date representative run the show, so you forget all the other wrong-doings.

This is not my usual positive patty demeanor, I realize this, but here’s the thing:

I realized that a day of love is not just about receiving gifts or showing how much you love someone by complying with Hallmark standards.

I’ve had the best v-days by doing things that embodies love, not prove it. One v-day I arranged dinner with family and friends and I felt not one inkling of loneliness.

Even now as I am in a new experience with someone special who has been around since my childhood I don’t want that pressure or energy surrounding us that says you need to shell out to prove your affection for me. Perhaps I was born on Mars, but this day of love should be about fun and togetherness, with a lover, friends and family. Call someone up you haven’t spoken to in a while, treat someone to dinner who you know has been having a tough time financially. Have the day work in your favor, not against you.

Happiness is living without expectations for specific reactions. It’s a new year, create your own traditions. As long as this Hallmark holiday exists, my fellow “v-day haters” and I might as well make the best of it!

How do you feel about Valentine ’s Day? Do you look forward to this holiday? Why or Why not?

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My fiancé and I have been together for going on five years. We had a very rough start, but he came around. After a year or so being together we moved in together. He asked me to marry him after a huge fight and me wanting to move out. I love this man with all of my heart, but I said, “No,” because I felt it was the wrong time to be asking that sort of question.

After we worked things out, he asked me again. This time I said yes! Fast forward three and half years, and now he doesn’t want to get married. After we’ve set a date and everything he says we do not need a piece of paper to know we are married! He says he will do it for me, but for everyone else asking his remarks and expressions say he doesn’t! Why would he ask me to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Where is this going? – Does He Really Want To Get Married

Dear Ms. Does He Really Want To Get Married,

SMDH! Chile, I swear you pressed and unrelenting women don’t and won’t learn.

You want to know where it’s going? Uhm, nowhere.

You want to know why would he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Because underneath all your drama, nagging, and complaining he really never ever wanted to get married. I’m certain that it’s YOU who wants to get married. And, to make you happy and to keep a happy home, he is doing what he thinks you want him to do. Therefore, like most men who don’t really want to get married, but the pressures from their girlfriends who won’t stop nagging and bringing up the marriage issue a man will get to the point where he will be like, “Okay! Damn! Let’s get married. Let’s do this and hopefully you will shut the hell up!!!”

But, also like most men, they will tell you truth after careful consideration, thought, and processing that they do not want to get married. They never wanted to get married and the only reason he is doing it is because YOU want to get married. YOU want the wedding. YOU want to show off to your friends and family members that YOU got a man to agree to walk down the aisle and profess his love for you. LMBAO!

This is what I don’t understand and I do hope that someone will please explain it to me: Why do you women date these men for years on end, move in, play house and do all the things a married couple does, and then all of a sudden it dawns on you that you have no ring on your finger and you start demanding he makes a woman out of you and marry you? DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING TYPE OF SENSE? I swear you’re some ass backwards thinking and doing folks. Now you want to back track and do things the right way. Now you want to reverse what’s already been set forth.

And, weren’t you the one who said, “No,” when he asked you initially to marry him? Now, you’re all concerned and perturbed because he’s telling you he doesn’t need a piece of paper for you to know you’re married. And, the only reason he will do it is for you! Now, listen to what he is saying. Pay attention because I’m certain that comprehension is not your strong suit.  LMBAO! Please, baby Jesus make it stop! This is what he is saying: HE IS ONLY GOING TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Now, you have an option: You can either ignore his desire not to be married and force him down the aisle and live a life of misery and unhappiness with a man who feels his is doing something he really wants to do, but will only do it to appease you? Or, you can wait and do some marriage counseling courses, and get to the root of why he doesn’t want to get married. And, you can save yourself the heartache, pain, and agony of trying to be with a man who will probably be much happier if you wanted and allowed him to be the initiator for marriage. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Before I go off on a “this should be in my future best-seller” tangent, I’ll stop.

HelloBeautiful Gets Candid About Love, Life, Sex & Relationships With “SHANDA SAYS!”

The other day I went searching the internet for exciting info to share with the family and I came across a theory by psychologist John Lee called “Love Styles” or “The Colors of Love”. The theory identifies 6 distinct love styles that individuals practice in their romantic relationships.

• Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
• Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
• Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
• Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
• Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
• Agape – selfless altruistic love; spiritual

Source: Wikipedia.org

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I’m sure by just scanning the list we all know couples and individuals who fit in each category. How does knowing about this theory help one improve on what they already have or what they want? Well the idea behind the theory is to form a union with someone who has the same love style as yourself so that you have someone who understands why for example, devotion to the church is important or why you enjoy flirting in front of your partner. I personally think that the 6 six love types are a bit extreme based on the short descriptions given above however I wouldn’t discredit this theory.

I took the quiz and found out my love style is “Eros” which is too true. My head stays in the clouds I love all things beautiful and I am extremely passionate about every aspect of a relationship. A Ludus would walk all over me then get cut, a pragma would bore me and a mania would get on my damn nerves.

The downside to being an Eros, well we want everyone to be an Eros and often get hurt. *sigh* Tis the story of my life! I can say with confidence that a fellow Eros is hanging around and I’ve never had to do as little explaining about why I’m so loca, to anyone in my entire life and vice versa. It’s refreshing, but still keeping my eyes and options open in the interim.

Take the Love style quiz here.

Which love style are you?

Is this theory a bunch of BS or is there any truth to it?

Do you prefer one love style over the other?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

I’ve cheated – not because it was the cool thing to do, but mainly for three reasons: it was new, it gave me something my boyfriend couldn’t, and simply because I could. That sounds awful, but it’s the truth. I think it is unrealistic to think it’s possible to have all your wants and needs fulfilled by one person. I had one person who was mentally stimulating, and one who was very physically stimulating, so, seemingly, I had the best of both worlds. Mind you, this is coming from a very odd and embittered girl, but still, there it is.

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I need help with one of my best friends who introduced me to your site.

He is a good friend and my daughter’s godfather. He just doesn’t make the best decisions, especially when it comes to women. We attended college together and worked together for three years, and about six months ago he told me he was leaving and moving to Atlanta with a female friend.

I was happy for him, but at the same time a little concern. See, he is the type of guy that is woman crazy. He falls head over heels for women even if they show no interest in wanting him. The first of the year I get a call from one of our other friends and he began telling me about our mutual friend. Since he has been in Atlanta we talk about every month and he makes it seems that everything is all good and he loves it. He called our friend, however, to borrow money and he told him what was going on and told him the truth about his living conditions.

He takes care of her three kids, his godchildren, baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning, and giving her something on rent every month. But, come to find out he is sleeping on the floor of her three-bedroom apartment. She has an empty room for her two-year old, but since the child sleeps with her, she won’t let my friend have it. Then, she has a young twenty-two year old boyfriend, who is close to moving in also. While my friend is handling chores like a stay-at-home husband, she’s in her room getting the ‘D’ from a younger guy.

I talked to him last week, and he didn’t sound like himself. His tune was of someone defeated and unhappy, not his usual happy joking personality. I tried talking to him, but I think everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He is continuing putting up that front like everything is all right. His voice tells of something different. I know he continues reading your site and I feel hearing advice from you might make him snap into his right mind and get out of that situation before it turns on him. I also have to mention that the job he had covered his medical insurance, and now he has no insurance and has health problems.

His female friend keeps nagging him about getting a better job and giving her more money, while she is living above her means. I feel her new guy will soon want him out of the picture and he’s going to be stuck homeless trying to move back home. I think it is hurting his pride that he doesn’t have a job, and moving back will make him look like a failure. I am close to giving up on him because honestly he is too old to be living like this. We are both in our thirties, I am 31 years old, and married with kids and he is close to 36 years old with no kid. What should I do, let him keep on this path until he hits a brick wall, or help him save himself the pain and misery and admit defeat. – Help my friend out before he is homeless and naked on a corner!

Dear Ms. Help My Friend,

Chile, I say let his dumb ass find out the hard way. I’m all for helping folks, and helping friends, and extending a hand to them, but if they don’t want to listen and they are stubborn or have too much damn pride to admit when –ish ain’t working out, then, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit the brick wall and hit rock bottom so they can see the situation for themselves.

It’s truly sad when a grown ass man who appears to have it all together, smart, educated, and a good head on his shoulders, but is too p****y hungry to know the difference between being used and being taken advantage of. He’s a clown and needs to have his ass clowned!

And, for the record, who the hell moves to another state with someone they barely know, sleeps on the floor, does the household chores like a live-in nanny and maid, and watches as some young tender bangs his girl? Oh, my bad, your friend!

Chile, I am truly thankful for my friends! Thank the Lord! We have a policy with each other that no matter what we will always be brutally honest with each other. We tell each other when we are doing asinine stupid ass –ish. We tell each other the TRUTH, regardless if we want to hear it or not, we don’t bite our tongues, and we don’t hold back. What good is it to have friends who co-sign your bull-ish and watch you go through something and then talk about you behind your back? No ma’am! Not me!

Honey, you’ve done all you can do. You’ve spoken with him, gave him a listening ear, and reached out and have been a friend to him. He is the one that is not opening up and being honest with you about his situation. You are getting the information secondhand. Unfortunately, and until he is ready, he is going to have to wake up and see what’s really real and say to himself, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I, a 36 year old grown ass man sitting up in this woman’s APARTMENT, not house, and sleeping on the floor, giving her money for rent, doing all the chores, baby-sitting, and some other dude is banging her back out? What am I trying to prove? Why is my ego so damn big and I’m too proud to admit that this –ish isn’t working, and I need help?” But, your friend won’t and can’t do that. And, it’s because of his ego and pride.

So, let his ego and pride put him out on the streets. Let his ego and pride ignore his health and realize he has no medical insurance. As a matter of fact, ask him if he can have sex with his ego and pride and if they can fulfill his longing desire to be with someone, feel love, and be wanted?

Your friend is searching for something that you cannot provide him with. He is looking for love. He is looking for someone to want him, desire him, and need him. And, he will put himself in this precarious and F’d up situations because he is driven by his emotions which are clouding his mental capabilities. So, let him learn his lesson, and hopefully he will stop being so damn egotistical, and hard-headed and count his losses. And, let him know you’re still there for him, and will have his back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Know My Man Loves Me, But His Ex Refuses To Get Out Of The Picture”

“I Gave Him The Ultimatum Of “Now or Never” For Marriage & He Said “Never”

Your articles have me in tear laughing. I’m a fan! LOL

Anywho, I have been dating my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and we recently told each other that we’re in love. He is so sweet to me, has bomb ass sex, and treats me like a queen. My birthday was recently and he gave me so many gifts and surprised me with a dinner and all our friends were there. I cried because nobody has ever treated me like him.

So, he is really not my issue. My issue is with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for 3 years. They had an on and off relationship and she cheated on him when he was away so he broke it off. I know he really loved and cared about her a lot because he kept giving her chances after she did him wrong. He says that he no longer loves her and wants nothing to do with her, but on his birthday she hit him up with this looong email saying how everyone in her family says happy birthday and that they love him (she also went on to make a few old jokes that they shared in common) and then to top it off she ended it with an, “I will always love you.”

He told me about this message, but it was only after I suspected she had contacted him because he made an indirect tweet about it and I figured it out. So, when he told me about the message I was a bit upset and asked him why he didn’t tell me. We finally came to an agreement that we would tell each other when an ex hits us up.

Now, my other issue is that she still contacts his mother and calls her “momma” and tells her she loves her. I can’t seem to get over this in my heart. I also found an old video of them together which also made me feel some kind of way. (I know I sound jealous) I love my man and want to stay with him, but I have a great feeling that his ex is not over him and will soon want him back if she already doesn’t. I don’t want his ex to become a problem, I want her to be a NON-FACTOR from here on out. Please give me your advice. -The New Girlfriend

Dear Ms. New Girlfriend,

Uhm, sweetie, she is a NON-MOFO’ing FACTOR! Why are you stressing over her? If he is not engaging her, leading her on, and reaching out and contacting her, then you don’t have anything to worry about. Let that bum ass wretched rat continue to scurry around sniffing for crumbs.

The man loves you! Don’t you get that! He went all out on your birthday. He gave you lots of gifts and surprised you with a dinner with all of your friends present. He demonstrated his love and emotions for you in front of everyone. The man loves YOU!

So what if his ex-girlfriend is sending loooong ass emails and trying to reconnect with him. That’s what a jilted and hurt ex will do when they know they’ve lost something really good. She wants him back because she realizes that she F’d up! She is the jackass that stepped out on him and treated him badly. She is the donkey that let a good man go, and in the words of Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”  And, now she’s reflecting over what she’s lost.

This is what I don’t understand. You have a good man. He loves you. Treats you like a queen. Does everything under the sun for you, and tells you he loves you, then why are you focusing on what his ex-girlfriend is doing? Why are you worried about her? If he is loving you, spending time with you, and giving you all his time and energy, then she shouldn’t even be a matter of consideration or thought. She is

If I were you I wouldn’t give her any energy, time, or space to rent in your head. You keep focusing on her then you will lose your man. You will begin to start making up things, and situations, and occurrences that don’t even exist. You’ll be imagining circumstances because your head will be playing games with you. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! Focus your energy and love on your man. Let him love you, treat you like the queen you are, and adorn you with lots of joy, happiness, and joy.

And, if Ms. Thing gets out of pocket and wants to show up and start requesting time with him, or calling your phone harassing you, then it’ll be time to get Jilly from Philly on her ass and let her know, “You’re getting in the way of what I’m feeling!” Let her know that she is old news, the old witch that had her chance and F’d it up. And, you’re being a woman and letting her know to watch herself and the boundaries of your relationship. If she continues to ignore you and your relationship, and doesn’t show you any respect, then you’re going to have to snatch Ms. Thang by her weave and whoop that ass. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

People deal with breakups differently: you can hold tears back all day and splurge on a carton of ice cream at night or use that energy to go out and find another.  Does it make you a bad person if you skip the sadness stage and go right onto taking on rebounds?

I have heard both sides of this situation, and both sound pretty compelling.  On the one hand, it’s important to take some alone time and let yourself cry it out before letting your emotions go wild again.  On the other hand, you shouldn’t turn down possibly good opportunities because of something in the past.  It really comes down to whether or not breaking up is a drawn out process or if it’s just something that happens and should be dealt with quickly.

Family Dinner Night – Peruvian-Style – at Pio Pio

I’ve asked for opinions from both types of people, and these were their responses:

From the musical chairs lover- finding a new love as soon as the song stops:

“I don’t like being single.  Even if I’m not actively dating someone or seeing them everyday I need someone to say good morning or goodnight to or else I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong: I get really sad after break ups.  In fact, I put my all into relationships because I appreciate the connection so much.  But rather than force myself to go through complete misery after, I keep the sadness to a minimum and keep myself busy.  Interestingly, keeping myself busy generally means meeting lots of new people.  I by no means rebound crazy hard after break ups, but I find that meeting new people is what keeps me from feeling the most depressed.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get out there again: life’s about living.”

From the memory keeper- find life after love in yourself:

“After a break up I prepare myself to go into hibernation. Everything makes me sad and I’m not afraid to hide it.  I would rather get completely over one relationship than risk ruining another because of carried over feelings.  I always try to get myself to hang with my girls more but I find that I’m the most comfortable when I’m on my own just dealing with the problem rather than hiding from it.  I’ve heard that it usually takes about half of the time you were together to get over the person.  I’ve had it take less or more time depending on the relationship. I really think it’s all relative to the person but whoever says they are ready to start dating other people immediately is definitely lying and ruining future relationships.”

What do you think? Is there a middle ground? How do you get over break ups?

Going Abroad: Experiencing Men NOT Made In America

Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

Check out this video of Radio Host Keith Washington and his producer Kerrie listing the top 20 ways to make your lady feel special just in time for Valentines Day. Don’t forget to check out our 18 Ways To Make Your Man Feel Special as well!

7 Things Most Couples Do Too Soon

How To Tell If You’re The Side Chick

Check out the 18 ways to make your man feel special just in time for Valentines Day here!

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8 Heart-Inspired Jewelry Items For Valentine’s Day

Six Signs You May Be Forcing a Relationship

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5 signs your a stalker

I recently read the article entitled, “He says he’s unhappy, but I can’t let him go, he’s my world.”

I’m struggling with what I fear is a similar issue. My boyfriend of two years says he loves me and wants to marry me and have children, but every time we discuss marriage he brings up problems and says he’s not happy. Finally, I put my foot down and gave the ultimatum, “now or never.” He chose never.

After discussing his choice he recanted and decided we should go to couples counseling. He is a good man and we are happy as long as we don’t discuss marriage. But, I want to be married and have another child! I have a son from a previous marriage and he treats my son like his own, worse my son is completely attached to him and when we temporarily broke things off my young son was in tears for days. We do have our problems, but everyone does. I don’t want to walk away because we have formed a family. I love him and he’s the only father my son knows, however I feel like I’m cheating myself out of the things I really want in life.

I’m too damn old to be somebody’s girlfriend! And my eggs are getting old too! I truly love him, but how do I know that he will EVER be ready to make a lifelong commitment. His longest relationship before me was 6 months and he is well over thirty years old. Do some men just never settle down? – Waiting To Be Married

Dear Ms. Waiting To Be Married,

Uhm, ma’am, if you read my response to the other advice article, and you say that you have a similar issue, then what is the problem? I’m failing to understand. Here we go with this damn madness, again! Chile, the tales of the desperate nagging girlfriend who thinks she is wifey material, but keep selling herself short by bending over backwards for a man, and spreading her legs, and making a home for him while he incessantly lets her know that he doesn’t want to get married and he’s unhappy in the relationship. And, her dumbass refuses to listen to him or hear what he’s saying because she is caught up in what she wants to hear and have in her life. Therefore, she’s that chicken running around the coup bawking up a storm. LMBAO!

Ugh! I swear you women have got to be the dumbest birds at the zoo dating these men with these issues and emotional baggage who don’t want to commit to you, and then they tell you that they don’t want to be married, and that they are not happy. WHY ARE YOU STICKING AROUND? WHAT ARE YOU HOPING WILL HAPPEN? You think he will wake up one day and recognize the great and awesome woman you are after all the time, money, energy, and resources you’ve invested in him? Yet, he’s not investing in you or the relationship. And, on top of it all, you move in together, play house, act like a family (all within a year’s time), and then you expect him to marry you when you are already acting like a married couple? What more is there to look forward to if you are giving him the milk, the cow, the land, and the damn farm?!?! You are damn hand maiden and don’t even know it.

Look here, sweetheart. Number one: The man has told you that he is not happy. Whatever issues or challenges he has that he is dealing with YOU CANNOT FIX THEM! He needs therapy and a psychiatrist to help him get to the root of his problems. Stop trying to be the girlfriend, woman, sex partner, maid, cook, therapist, and psychoanalyst. You cannot do it all!!!! That is not your job, so please stop trying to be all things for him. Ole dumbass with no damn degree of sense of educational training. You can’t make him happy if he is not happy. And, if someone is unhappy and don’t love themselves, please, please, please understand that you cannot fix them, or make them love you if they don’t love themselves.

Number two: When you put your foot down and gave the ultimatum of “now or never,” and he said, “never.” Chile, I would have packed all his –ish and put his MoFo ass outside with his –ish and told him, “Well, take your never narrow ass on and live in never neverland.”

Number three: Throughout your letter you keep stressing how YOU want to be married. YOU want more children. YOU want and want and want and want. Well, what about his needs? What does he want? It’s obvious you two are on separate pages in different books, and in different genres. You reading fairy tale books and he is reading science fiction. LMBAO! Get on the same damn page and start listening to one another.

I’m going to wrap this up and be done with you because it’s obvious you’re living in your own world and you want what you want without any regard to the bigger picture and seeing how forcing a man to be with you and marry you will ultimately lead to an even more dysfunctional and disastrous relationship. You said you feel as if you’re cheating yourself out of what you really want in life. You are absolutely correct. One hundred percent right. So, if you feel that you’re cheating yourself then why are you still there? Why are you waiting on a man who has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to be married, his longest relationship prior to you was 6 months, he’s unhappy, and quite frankly you’ve made it comfortable for him to be where he is. If you’re too damn old to be someone’s girlfriend, and your eggs are getting old, then why are you still someone’s girlfriend? And, you’re eggs are about to rot, sweetheart. So, ponder those questions for a while and when you get the answers, hopefully you’ll be living with your son in your own place and working on healing yourself and moving on with your life. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

“Should I Ignore The 3 Day Rule & Invite Him To Hang Out?”

Why We Like Guys Who Don’t Like Us

My question is though; why do we like guys who don’t like us? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to like someone who actually liked you back?

Probably. And that’s where all our problems start. It’s just to easy.

We all know the girls who keep going back to the guy who won’t commit to her, or keeps cheating on her, because it’s a challenge, or they ‘know that he does really care about me, he’s just shy with his feelings’. Sure, that’s why he broke up with you for a weekend in Vegas, and that’s why he’s creeping with half the neighborhood.

25 REASONS WE LOVE “LOVE JONES”

And we have all been the friends who have tried to make her see sense. Well sadly, basically according to this survey, there is no hope for us. No matter how many times we can tell our friends to drop the deadbeat, or make well-reasoned arguments as to why her logic is totally flawed, she is genetically wired to ignore us.

But I can’t help thinking that perhaps these results may be just a little misleading. Surely not everyone out there is willing to settle for a guy, or a girl for that matter, who treats them like just a jump off, and flatly just isn’t committed to them. Surely?

Maybe this research was engineered by a couple of women, who wanted an explanation to why they or their friends put up with a boyfriend who was acting shady, or why they are still single.

Or maybe, it is easier to accept that we are destined to pick the men who are wrong for us, than it is to accept that he just really isn’t that into you.

I know that whenever you go out with someone who you think is perfect and you tell everyone about your amazing time, and it doesn’t quite go to plan, then we all (don’t even try and play the ‘hell no, I don’t waste time on no man’ card), try to reason our way out of it. His cell died, he was really busy with work, he was moving hose this weekend, he was hit by a car and lost his memory and/or use of his hands to call me. Any explanation it seems, except he just didn’t like me.

But at least know we have some explanation for why we do it.

What do you think?

“Yeah, He’s Engaged & I’m The Other Girl, But I Should Be The One”

How To Tell If You’re The Side Chick

5 Reasons Why It’s Time To Cut Off Your Ex Once And For All

I met this guy “Robert” at a bar on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and planned to hang out the next day because I was headed off to another place to meet up with friends. However (and probably unfortunately) I ended up seeing him after the bars closed as I was walking my friend home. His friend and him ended up walking us to her place and both of them caught a cab home to my place. We ended up drinking some more and just talking and eventually his friend left. The next morning after a night of cuddling and making out we had sex. We woke up, talked for awhile, and then eventually I drove him home. When he got out of the car he said he would call me later and kissed me goodbye (on the lips mind you). Yet all day he never called.

I know the three day rule but honestly think it is ridiculous so I text him on Sunday. We kept the conversation light and he replied to my texts (which he could have blown me off). But now it is been a couple of days and nothing. I kind of like him and would really like to see him again to get to know him better. Hopefully hang out with out having sex. Do you think it is a loss cause or should I just be more patient? I know it was probably a mistake sleeping with him so fast but do you think I can get things back on track? Should I make the second move and invite him to hang out? – Impulsively Searching For Love

“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby’s Momma”

Dear Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love,

Sigh! When will you ladies learn: Sex for a man does not equate love or instant feelings of like. It’s just sex. It’s a physical act of lust and desire, and on many occasions a need to release.

You said you kind of like him. Well, could you please tell me what do you like about him, ma’am? Yeah, just as I figured. You don’t know him. You had sex with him after a night of drinking. You both were mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired. How can you make a sound judgment under the influence of alcohol? Please explain that to me.

Girl, you had drunk sex and now you think you’ve met the one. SMDH! Silly ass rabbit, tricks are for kids. Ole trick ass.

Your signature is befitting of you: Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love. Stop searching for love by opening your legs to random dudes you meet at a bar. How about you start opening your mind and feeding and nurturing your spirit.

Girl, I’m still LMBAO because you truly believe and feel that just because he kissed you on the lips after you drove him home the next morning that it was a sign that he really liked you and wanted to get to know you better. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop baby Jesus. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

What do I do when I like someone but they are in the middle of a divorce? – Liking A Married Man

Dear Ms. Liking A Married Man,

Uhm, how about you leave them alone and wait until the divorce is over.

He is still married. I don’t care if he’s separated, and they are going through a divorce. What part of they are still married do you not understand?  Ole thirsty ass chick.

Please, slowly remove your rouge painted lips from under his nut sac and stop sipping his juices.

Let him go through his divorce before you start any type of relationship with this man. And, please note: Although he may be divorcing his wife, he is not ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So, any hopes of you being the next Mrs., please get that out of your head. You will be the jump-off, and bed buddy. You know, the in-between time chick until he finds another woman he wants to settle down with and make his wife.

So, pump your brakes. Get you some business, and preferably a man that is not tied to some other woman. Yeah, that’s a thought. How about you find a man who is single, eligible, and available. Why do you want to be with someone who already has somebody? Because as the saying goes, “How you find him, is how you will lose him.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“My Boyfriend Infected Me With HIV & He Stole My Money For My Meds”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met a guy on face book and I cuddled a little with him at the first date. He didn’t even ask me to become his girlfriend or anything. We met again two days later. We cuddled a lot again. After that, I called him a couple of times. He answered me, but he won’t call me himself. He pretends that he’s busy so he doesn’t have time to see me. But, I really like this guy and I don’t wanna let go of him. I wanna know if there is something I could do about it to make it work? – Liking My Facebook Friend

Dear Ms. Liking My Facebook Friend,

Girl, are you serious right now? SMDH! Chile, here we go with these Facebook romances.

Uhm, sweetie if you cuddled with him on the first date after meeting him over the computer, he’s not going to take you serious or even consider dating you. There’s a word for women like you, and I’m trying to refrain from calling you a hoe, so let’s just say that you’re easy. How about that? LOL!

If you can hop your fast ass in the bed with a man you don’t know, and from off the computer, then why are you expecting him to return your calls after you’ve shown him the goodies and you let him get a sample of your treats?

The doors of the, All Women’s Academy For Simplemindedness And Dumb Women Who Do Dumb –Ish, are open. And, darling, I’m going to need you to step to the front of the line.

You women are going to learn about meeting random men on the computer and taking your hot between the legs asses over to their houses. Your ass is going to come up missing. Ole Jeffrey Dahmer cannibal eating your brains for dinner.

Look, girl, he’s not interested in you. He’s not thinking about you. He only has sex on the brain. He just wanted to smash and use you like he’s done other random women he’s met off Facebook. It’s a game for him, and like most men. It’s called, “How many chicks can I slay on the first night and add to my little black book of easy lays so the next time I’m horny I can hit them up and smash again.” And, you my dear, have become a statistic to the game. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Single Black Women Tired of Being a Spectacle

1. Women Do Not Always Have To Be Right: Sadly enough this cuts down like 50% of the ‘women’ over the age of 25. A woman while confident in her opinions and beliefs will willingly listen to and accept that others will not share the same opinion and be able to keep peace throughout the storm. A chickenhead will become verbally aggressive to get her point across, through and to the bitter death. Annnnd although she may know that she is right will let her partner feel as though he is because men are allowed to have one victory out of ten #womancode #menthankmelater
2. Women Refrain From Putting Others Down: Let’s face it we all do a little people bashing from time to time but a woman knows her limitations and frankly has more important matters to attend to. A chickenhead will spend an ample amount of time preaching from her holier than thou pulpit, until your ears ache.
3. Women Live Within Their Means: Men, many of the other women you dated may have demanded coach purses and toted around Louis this and Gucci that, but a woman with a firm grip on her personal finances would rather see her money grow then put on a show.
4. Women Have Hobbies and Are Active in Extra-curricular Activities: It’s not that chickenheads don’t have hobbies or extra-curricular activities; they usually just don’t involve things you can speak about with the family over dinner.
5. Women Take An Interest In Learning About Others: Although collecting model cars may not be her thing, she will do her best to learn about the activity in order to know more about you.
6. Women Do Not Accept The Victim Role: This is a tough one and relates back to #1. One of the most definitive factors between a girl and a woman is that a woman knows how to move on after tragedy. This means that she seeks out help, is willing to work through her issues and refuses to wallow in them.
7. Women Put Family First: A woman will sacrifice splurging on a brand new leather tee, Watch the Throne concert, and a day at the spa to have QT with her folks, or her children. She recognizes that men, an active nightlife and an all-inclusive vacation are things that flail in comparison to her loved ones.
8. Women Love Themselves: This is also a difficult concept to grasp because intangible but a woman who loves herself carries herself with the utmost respect and grace. She gives off an aura of confidence that is more contagious than it is pretentious or unattainable. People feel comfortable in her presence and want to be around her.
9. Women Know When To Say No: I’ll be real with you I got this from that Raheem Devaughan joint, ‘Woman’ but it’s so true. A woman recognizes when a man isn’t ready to love her the way she deserves to be loved and has the strength and dignity to tell you no. Her value system is so intact that she has no problem turning down a man’s pre-mature yet charming advances.
10. Women Willingly Sacrifice Appearance: This is a major one. With our society being so commercialized and superficial a woman who can sacrifice getting regular mani and pedis or going on shopping trips to make ends meet or to save up for that new house or all inclusive vacation has come into her own. It’s not that she isn’t materialistic, because she may very well love and deserve her regular pampering but she has the ability to see into the future and stick to a plan that requires discipline and love. Sacrifice is one of the key elements of love.

Theirs is not much in life that is guaranteed because it’s constantly evolving and we are constantly learning however, I came up with this list by observing the qualities of women who I admire and look up to. Sacrifice, be open to new experiences, and loving yourself is what separates the girls from the women. Like I mentioned before it’s impossible to have everything down pact, but that’s what makes life so exciting, the struggle, the victory and the growth.

Related Articles:

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“I Cooked For Him, We Had Sex & Weeks Afterward He Only Texted Me To Find Out The Recipe”

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

5 Limits To Being A “Ride Or Die” Chick

Food For Thought: Is What You’re Saying Really Coming From The Heart?

Want more Shanda? Check her out here

“I believe that manhood is defined by how you love and provide for your wife and family.”

Many of the single men that I talked to did not like this definition of manhood. Many single men said to me“Manhood has nothing to do with whether or not I am married or single.” Then I would say “But when are you the most man? Manhood should be about the state at which you are the most man that you can be. Your full evolution of man.” This is the redefinition of manhood. Are there some single men that are more man then married men? – Sure. Can a man max his evolution while still in a state of singleness? – I don’t see why not. But what I am saying is that the average man that wants a marriage and family has to challenge himself. He has to challenge himself to meet the demands of the growth and development required, in specific areas, to have that successful marriage and happy family life. Those specific areas begin with but are not limited to:

1.) The Act of Loving 2.) Leadership 3.) Responsibility 4.) Communication 5.) Compromise 6.) Consistency 7.) Purpose 8.) Restraint 9.) Structure 10.) Planning.

Specified Areas By Example:

1.) I adopted an understanding that loving her is loving me.

2.) She is not going follow first, man has to exhibit leadership first.

3.) The single man is responsible for one person. The married man is responsible for at least two.

4.) Communication is on the job training. As a husband I had to develop better listening skills.

5.) I almost never compromised as a single man. Compromise is the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning now.

with@JacqueReid

Click here to continue reading Part II of “The State of Manhood in America.”

To read Part I of “The State of Manhood In America” click here!

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

–

5 Things We Can Do Better In Relationships In 2012

Is He REALLY Single? Here’s 8 Ways To Tell

1960 - Many of the husbands during this time did not want their wives to work. It was a status symbol. The wife did not work because the man made a bunch of money. Man provided. He was the family’s only source of income. He could beat his chest. Everyone could see that he was the man because his wife didn’t have to work. If a new house was purchased, the man would get the credit. New car-man did that. New furniture-man did that too. Vacation? “Oooh gurl, you got a good man!” In the early part of the Sixties, accolades for men who provided for their families poured in by the ship load. With the male ego being affectionately stroked, man’s manhood remained fully intact. Intact until manhood ran into an Army of Independent Women. So I pulled together a group of young ladies over the age of 50 who were Army brats. I asked these women a simple but thought provoking question:  “What was the catalyst that started the deterioration of manhood?” After some deliberation the ladies decided that the man changed when the woman started making more money.

1963 - The “Equal Pay For Women Act” was passed. The “Equal Pay For Women Act” positively impacted the economy, but negatively impacted marriage. On the day that the woman started being able to pay the bills, on that day, the male ego started missing hugs. Manhood took a hit. The man felt like he was less of a man because the woman was obviously “more” woman. She now had more to offer. Up until 1963 women were pretty much only frying bacon but after 1963 women started bringing home the bacon. If I could go back in time, to 1963, I would add an amendment to the “Equal Pay For Women Act.” The amendment would read like this:

“Man can fry bacon. It’s ok. Bacon is not sexist.”

“The State of Manhood in America.”

Click here to continue reading “The State of Manhood in America.”

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

5 Things We Can Do Better In Relationships In 2012

Is He REALLY Single? Here’s 8 Ways To Tell

I’m kind of hoping you can and will help me out. I’m a 23 year- old virgin and have been single for 8 years. I consider myself to be attractive and I have my life together while always trying to improve myself. Everyone always assumes I have boyfriend but alas, I don’t. I’ve gone on a few dates in those 8 years but nothing has ever come from them. One date consisted of me and the guy going to a Chinese restaurant ending in him trying to guess my breast size and challenging me to an arm wrestling competition. Then he acted like he didn’t know why he was still single…yeah, I stopped seeing him post haste.

Then there’s a guy who’s a musician that comes around every blue moon who’s spontaneous and exciting but I can’t take him seriously. He says he’s attracted to me and wants to pursue things but he’s never in the same city because he’s constantly on tour. Also, if he does text me I’ll respond and he won’t say anything else. He’ll say something like, “Good morning beautiful,” and I’ll say, “Hey ________,” and I won’t hear anything else which frustrates the hell out of me. These instances are sporadic and months or even years apart. He’s a little odd.

Recently, I met a guy at work and we went out a couple of times but the last time we were on a date there weren’t any sparks at all and he never clearly defined his intentions. He wasn’t the least bit direct like I’m used to and left me completely confused. Also, I’m not sure if he remembers my name cause I’ve never heard him say it or seen him text it. I expect a guy to take the initiative and I think it just boiled down to there not being enough chemistry so I haven’t seen or communicated with him since that date. It’s disappointing because I don’t meet a lot of guys who I’m attracted to and who are single and interested in me at the same time.

I guess my question is, what am I doing wrong here, or is there something I need to do differently? I’m not the most social person, but I do go to different places just to keep from going to work then back home. I’m active in my church and even though I’m not much of a club person I’ll go once in a while just to have a change of scenery or just to have fun. The usual demographic for guys that hit on me are men who are 20+ years older than me, or guys my age who ain’t about -ish. I’d rather have someone no more than 3-4 years older than me. Maybe I’m not direct enough because I’m a little shy, but I feel like a man should pursue a woman. Besides, the last time I pursued a man it ended up in the Chinese restaurant incident. I’m not in any rush to lose my virginity by the way. I just want to meet someone that challenges me and who I can really vibe with. Where is he?? (Age old question) Any suggestion would be helpful. – Over Being Single

Dear Ms. Over Being Single,

Girl, I feel you. The pickings are slim, and the men who do approach you make you shake your head. It’s almost like, “Where do these men come from and who trained them to be men in the first place?” Honey, I tell you, these men today are a piece of work. They want women to be their mother’s, girlfriend’s, wives, sex partners, mistresses, maids, cooks, bankers, and teachers all rolled up in one. Yet, they are not brining anything to the table but a lot of empty promises, broken dreams, and a penis that half of them don’t know how to work or use!

If you’re going to talk a good game at least back it up and lay some good pipe. Make me feign for it, yearn for it, and desire it. Don’t think you’re laying it down after a few humps and grunts, and then you roll over and want some food or some money. Get the freak out of here!!!

But, I digress. I did find humor in your letter and I’ve come up with some great adjectives for the men you’ve been out with, as well as most women who are looking for Mr. Right. These are the types of guys I’ve surmised you’ve encountered: The guy from the Chinese restaurant wanted “instant” p***y.  Chile, these men think that by taking you to a restaurant (Not even a 5-star restaurant at that), or a movie, or, hell, even to Starbuck’s for coffee, and they’ve shelled out a little over fifty bucks and they deserve something in return. Uhm, no, boo boo! In the words of Lil Kim, “You want a cheap trick, you better go down to Freak-Nic.” There will be no freaking, cuddling, coddling, touching, caressing, or sniffing of anything. We need to have several dates. I need to know where you work, where you live, your momma’s name, your daddy’s name, your sexual history, ex-girlfriend’s lurking in the background, any baby momma’s, and other pertinent information that may warrant a background check before we jump in the bed.

Then, there is the musician you went out with. Uhm, sweetie, he is not odd. He wants “reserved” p***y. He’s the type of man that probably has several different women he’s communicating with, and he’ll tell you anything you want to hear. He has a stable of women on reserve just in case one of his women gets out of pocket, or ends their torrid love affair. When one leaves, he’ll call you up saying, “I’m so sorry about my behavior. I’ve been working really hard and focusing on my career. And, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. You’re the type of woman that I feel I can settle down and be with. You’re smart, intelligent, and I want to know more about you. I want to make it up to you. I hope you can forgive me, and how I’ve been treating you. Perhaps we can get together for dinner tonight, and see where this takes us.” Yeah, men, do this type of stuff all the time. He’s only communicating with you to make sure that you’re still there, and when –ish hits the fan, trust and believe he’ll be calling you more frequently.

Awww, and then there’s the guy from work who wasn’t aggressive. He’s the, “I’m not interested, but if offered” p***y type of guy. These men won’t tell you that they’re not interested and will just stop communicating, however, if you keep pursuing them, or if you keep the lines of communication open they won’t turn down getting in your pants if you offer it to them. They often times figure that their lack of communication or pursuit of you makes you more intrigued with them, or perhaps as a sign of disinterest. However, because most women won’t leave it alone, or walk away from a man who disses them or fails to communicate, they figure he may be shy, or something is off and they pursue him trying to find closure, and instead of closing their legs they open them to see if, perhaps, he may be a better lover than boyfriend. LMBAO!!! Stop it, ladies. Just walk away and leave him alone.

Here’s what I suggest, you’re young, and you have your life ahead of you. And, I’m certain your hormones are raging and you want to be in the presence of some male testosterone that stirs up your loins and makes you at least get a little wet. If you have a church home, see if your church has a singles ministry, or a men’s ministry. I’m certain there are plenty of young men who are desiring the same things as you, but you’re just overlooking them and not seeing what may be directly in front of you. Check out the scene and do a few meetings with the Single’s Ministry and see what potential lies there. Hell, I’ll even say join the choir or usher board. These positions will place you directly in front of the church congregation. It gives you a stage to see all the possible single and available men who come to your church, as well as for them to see you. You better use those eyes as binoculars and scope out these men! Don’t be shy. Become a “man watcher.”

And, do you live in a college town like Charlotte, Atlanta, Durham, and other places where there are a plethora of college bound men who may have recently graduated from college, or are pursuing a master’s or doctorate degree? Honey, there are some smart and intelligent brothers right in your backyard. Get out there and see who’s in the yard. What about visiting sports bars, museums, and perhaps taking up a dance class. There’s also travel clubs where members travel out of the country and visit various new cultures and lifestyles. Many single people are members of these travel clubs.

You’ve got to put yourself out there. Be interactive, social, and engaging. Men love meeting women who are friendly and have a smile on their face. Don’t be out in the club, or some event with a scowl on your face. If you’re angry, and your disposition is unapproachable then perhaps you should keep your ass at home watching The Bachelor or Love And Hip Hop and updating your Facebook status with commentary on their miserable love lives. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

You’ve got a whole lot of love and you want to give it away to every Tom, Dick and Mary! While swinging around town, perking up your love life with new stud muffins sounds oh-so-sexy, there are some pitfalls of passion that could ruin the relationship you’ve already got going on. Loving more than one person at a time, or polyamory, is an exciting lifestyle, but you’ve got to make sure you’re not living too dangerously. You have to look out for jealousy, fear and, of course, number one. So, here are some tips on how to juggle multiple partners and safely share your fun lovin’ attitude about sex after the jump….

1. Silent Treatment: Not telling your partner about the other people you’re dating isn’t polyamory, it’s cheating. Openly discuss your relationships and your partner will feel included instead of jealous.

2. 2-For-1: Sharing a lover may not fulfill your desire. The “hot bisexual” is a common addition in open relationships, but it doesn’t always work. If you truly want to be free, it’s crucial that you don’t force your partner to go for the same person you want just so you can have them.

3. Handyman: You’ve got to get your relationships in working condition before you go adding on new parts. Make sure you two are built solid, otherwise, you’ll just be headed for a complete break down.

4. One In A Million: Make sure your partner knows why you love them. Assure them that they have a special spot in your heart that no one but them could ever fill. No matter who else you date, they will always remain important to you.

5. Health Nut: When you have multiple partners, you put everyone at a greater risk for passing on STDs. That doesn’t have to deter you from having the sex life your dreams, simply come to an agreement with all your partners about how you want to handle your sexual health. That way, you’ll make everyone feel safe because you openly want to protect yourself and the ones you love. Many polyamorous couples choose to be “body fluid monogamous” which simply means they use a condom with all their partners, except for one.

For five more ways to handle more than one lover, click here.

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6 Things We Should Never Have To Apologize For

There are positives and negatives to every choice that we choose. For instance if you choose one job, one guy, one apartment, another, possibly better option, automatically is discarded. So, being single does have the benefit of countless possibilities; my next great love, date, fling or screw could be just around the corner. So as far as excitement, the single girl’s life is as full of excitement as a martini is full of gin.

On the other hand, the single life is also full of loneliness, the tendency towards bitterness and the occasional friend/family member’s well-intentioned fix-up. I was recently chatting to my sister about my dating dry spell and I heard the verbal kiss of death, “I have someone that would be perfect for you!” Dating is awkward enough, even when the two parties decide for themselves to go on a date. You know, you are sitting across from your date and you are thinking is there something in my teeth? Am I talking too much? If this worked out, could I get him to dress better?  Do I have a booger in my nose? Is he interested in me? Are we going to kiss or do the ass-out hug?  Shit! I didn’t bring an Altoid! Compound this stress by the fact that neither of you know anything about the other, probably have nothing in common and are likely just there to please a friend or family member, needless to say, there are a lot of awkward silences.

Certainly the best part about being single is freedom. I can go out and kiss whomever I want, I can travel on a whim without consulting a boyfriend and I can devote as much time to my career as I want without feeling guilty for neglecting my significant other. Being single provides you with plenty of hilarious dating mishaps to regale your friends with over brunch; like the guy who asked me if I was a lesbian because of my college major, on our first date; you know who you are.  Being single is definitely an acquired taste and if it sounds like your particular brand of vodka, then enjoy it and don’t look for Mr. Right, rather enjoy the quest for Mr. Right Now. Then, when you are ready, that ‘now’ part will drop off, and you will be one less single girl.

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How To Have More Than One Lover

BBQ Hot Spot Has Cult-Like Following

Although this list is mostly opinionated, I have to say that I definitely agree with most of the things here. Every person is obviously different, so this list will vary depending on your personal beliefs about relationships, religion and your career. Either way, here are some general things that people in their mid-twenties should have already figured out throughout their lifetime..

Going Solo Dolo: Traveling Alone in Bali

“When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner.”

When it comes to JOBS…By the time you hit 25, it’s time to figure out what kind of work you love and want to do and what you’re good at. You’ve figured out your dreams and have decided to either go back to school and completely change career directions or stay in your current job. You might try living in another state or country or even volunteer doing something that you love- even if it means less income.

When it comes to RELATIONSHIPS…. This is the time when relationships get serious which could mean walking away from the ones that don’t make you happy and aren’t a great fit for you and looking for the ones that you “can’t-live-without”. The worst mistake a person could make at this age is staying with someone who is wrong person when you KNOW they’re the wrong person. It’s just not fair to all parties involved.

When is comes to COUNSELING…Mid-twenties is a great time to do some soul-searching and maybe a little counseling. It might be good to talk to your parents and really get into your childhood to see what keeps you from living a healthy life, or keeps you having a great one. At 25 you understand a lot more about life so it would be easier for you to change things that have hurt you in the past, and help you to officially move on from them.

When it comes to RELIGION… This stage of your life is a great time to really get involved and strengthen your faith (if you haven’t already) with whatever religion you practice. Be a person who grows, who is patient and one who lives with a purpose and intention.

By the age of twenty-five, it’s time to put the childish games to rest and really become an official adult. I’m curious to hear what you think one should know by this age? Do you agree? Disagree?

READ MORE HERE

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6 Ways To Push Yourself Mentally

The absence of a wedding ring isn’t a tell-tale sign that cutie you’re crushing on is single. So here’s eight definite ways to tell if he’s single, you know, because we don’t want you to be embarrassed or heartbroken. And if you have any signs to add, let us know in the comments.

1. His Ikea cart is loaded with dishes and pots.

2. He’s in the frozen food aisle buying Hungry Man dinners. The rest of his cart is filled with beer and cereal.

3. He’s standing in front of the washing machine at the laundromat, confused look on his face, clearly wondering why there’s only a card slot, not a coin slot.

4. He still works out.

What are four other ways to tell if he’s probably single? Click here to find out.

So what do these single men look for in a woman, anyway?

Not sure if he’s really single? Find out if you’re the other woman.

I have been dating this guy for two months now and I’m not sure if I should continue dating him. He is a very nice guy. I mean my whole family likes him but, behind closed doors it’s a different story. Like, when were alone we have a tendency to argue a lot and he always makes it seem like it’s my fault. He judges what I wear. He says that my best friend shouldn’t be a guy. He also says that I shouldn’t go out to clubs, and if my phone rings he’s checking it. And, if I’m playing a game on my phone he’s upset.

Now, the good things are that he love’s spending time with me, we talk on the phone for hours, he does whatever I ask of him, he goes out of his way for me, he buy me things, he caters to me, and he listens. I’m so confused because he’s hot, then he’s cold, and I don’t know if it’s just a phase because he does a lot for me and doesn’t want to get hurt, or if he has some issues. What should I do? – So Confused

Dear Ms. So Confused,

In my Janet Jackson voice (Control!) RUN, girl, RUN!!!! Get out of this relationship immediately!!!! If you stay, in month three you will be a domestic violence statistic.

(@  ^  @) Blank stare at you! Girl, you can’t be that damn clueless to recognize the signs of someone who is controlling and most likely an abuser. Wake your dumb ass up!!! All that –ish you find amusing and cute is not!!! It’s not funny, amusing, entertaining, or “Oh, my gosh, he’s jealous, and that means he loves me. And, because he doesn’t want to get hurt, he is hurting me and lashing out.” No ma’am. Leave that MoFo before he starts stomping your ass into the ground.

Look, here, the man argues with you and he makes everything seems like it’s your fault. Hmmmm! So, he turns things around and makes you feel guilty about things he’s done. Everything is your fault. He wouldn’t argue with you, or call you out of your name if you didn’t make him so mad, huh?

He judges what you wear. Perhaps, it’s because he doesn’t want others looking at you and trying to holler, so he suggests and offers alternative things for you to wear.

He says that your best friend should not be a guy. Jealous, much???? He doesn’t want other men around you, and will alienate you from your friends.

He says you shouldn’t go to clubs. That’s because he wants to monitor your whereabouts and if he’s not there with you, then he doesn’t want you there. Especially in an environment where there are opportunities for other men to look at you and possibly approach you.

If your phone rings he’s checking it. Uhm, sweetie, it’s your phone. Why, after two months, he is checking your phone!!!???? He doesn’t pay your phone bill. He shouldn’t even have your passcode to unlock your phone. Please remind me of why is he checking your phone, again? Oh, yeah, it’s because he wants to see who’s calling you, and why, and for you to explain your relationship with each of those persons.

Now, you say the good things are that, “he love’s spending time with me.” Do-Do brain, it’s because he’s monopolizing your time. He stalking you and your time so he can keep tabs on you. Then you say, “we talk on the phone for hours.” Again, ass on your shoulder, if he has you on the phone for hours at a time, then he can keep track of where you, what you’re doing, and slowly alienate you from your family, and monopolize your time.

All the signs he’s demonstrating are that of a controlling and abusive man. Like you said, your family loves him because he’s so wonderful around them. He smiles, and says, “Yes, sir,” and “Yes, ma’am.” He’s outgoing. Funny. Charming. And, engaging. But, as soon as you two are alone he is belittling you, berating you, and making you feel insignificant. All signs lead to an abuser. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY. He is one step away from knocking you upside your weave. Girl, I don’t want to get another letter from you talking about, “I’m a domestic violence victim. You told my dumbass to leave, but I didn’t listen and now I don’t know what to do because he stalks my every move. Hell, he may be lurking inside the computer as I type this letter. Help me!” LMBAO! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Now, if you and your significant other share all the same friends, and everyone can sit together and sing “Kum Ba Ya” without killing each other (or the use of alcohol), then great. However, more often than not there is that one friend that is just a worthless waste of human existence (at least in your eyes) that your wife or husband hearts. Whether she’s the cackling sistah girl who didn’t think you were worth shit to begin with or that “big brother” guy pal YOU know always wanted to be more than that, these are people you will have to deal with, right? I mean, they have been friends forever. They have passed out on your couch. They were in your wedding. And, if you’ve married this woman or man, you on some level have accepted them as “friends”…right?

If you’re not sure, here are 5 types of friend-in-laws and my advice about how to best handle them:

1. The know-it-all sistahgirl. Hook her up with one of your “good guy” friends (see below). Just make sure that he doesn’t screw her over. It will be more trouble than it’s worth.
2. The space cadet. The chick who just seems late…to life. Have patience. She is usually also really hot, so it makes her a little more tolerable. If you’re not patient (and she is cute), kill her with kindness. Your wife will likely get really jealous and she will disappear.
3. The snob. Ignore her. Snobs hate that shit.
4. The wet blanket. She is sometimes No. 1 as well, but more often than not she is afraid…to do anything.
5. The good guy. That male best friend that used to listen to all her problems. There’s no easy way around this one. You just have to grin and bear it. Sorry.

And, if all else fails, just call in your dumbass friends that she hates. Yes, believe it or not, you have at least one… Yup, that one.

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5 Ways To Keep Your Man From Cheating

Balance the Scales of Love: “When giving and receiving love, keep in mind how important it is to reciprocate. Are you a giver or a taker? Try your best at being both. If you are more of one than the other you will drain yourself or the one giving love to you. Compromise and strive for a 50/50 love!”

In my Circle of Power Coaching Group last night we talked about ATTRACTING RELATIONSHIPS THAT ROCK YOUR WORLD! We had a blast and some rude awakenings examining our relationships that touch our lives everyday — from lovers, friends, and family.

LETS FACE IT…It’s hard work to keep relationships in a good place. When relationships rock your world…all is right in the universe! We are on a euphoric high. The sky is bluer, the air is fresher, and everyone is just so friendly and beautiful! You must know that the extra pep in your step doesn’t always last forever on its own, you have to strive to work at it. The key is to pay attention to how you can balance the scales of love.

Here are some tips on how you can do this:

1. See a Person For Who They REALLY Are: Yes, many of us have a special talent in always finding the good in others and recognizing their ‘POTENTIAL’ and of course it’s a nice trait to possess. My hat is off to ya for seeing the brighter side of things! LOL However, sometimes we have to take off the rose-colored glasses and realize that potential isn’t enough. I repeat…POTENTIAL ISN’T ENOUGH. I’m sorry to say, you can’t change, shape or mold everyone into the amazing human being you see them as ten years down the line. Especially, when the person doesn’t see a NEED for change. So, remember in ALL of your relationships, you just have to accept people as they are sometimes, love them from a distance, or move on if need be.

“When People Show You Who They Are, BELIEVE THEM.” Maya Angelo

2. It FEELS Soooooo Good To Receive: Yes, you nurturing Mother Theresa’s and Suzy-Save-‘Em Alls know you need to listen up! You don’t always have to GIVE. One of my clients mentioned that now she realizes that her pattern is picking up the “wounded lost puppy” for a boyfriend that possibly with her love and guidance- can be ‘patched up and made better’. (See Number 1)

She would give her all, cater to his every need, even loan him money when he needed it. However, he didn’t do anything in return but –oh wait, be the pampered boyfriend! Oooh weeee! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Sometimes, in these one-sided relationships , “Mother Theresa” can turn into a women scorned…you know that chick from Fatal Attraction? ~shivers~ The one filled with anger and resentment for giving so much and hoping that one day that wounded puppy would finally turn into the man she worked so hard to ‘fix’. Ouch…some of you felt that, I know. Hey, I’ve been there too. Trust me on this. LOL Oh, not the Fatal Attraction Part. Let me clean that up!

REMEMBER…you teach people how to treat you. What lesson do you want to teach this semester of your life? I doubt it’s HOW TO BE A DOORMAT 101, right? So, pay attention to what you allow in your world!

MANY OF US ARE WHERE WE ARE BECAUSE A PART OF US THINKS WE DESERVE IT. The more happiness we allow into our lives –the more we believe we deserve! Start believing!!

3. Speak Up!: Don’t be afraid to share how you feel. Is the relationship feeling one-sided? Again, this isn’t just lovers I’m talking about. Maybe you have a friend that you always give, give and give to and then when you need a helping hand he’s never there to reciprocate. You will keep getting what you don’t want if you don’t create some boundaries.

4. Show Appreciation: Let’s say you might be the one ALWAYS on the receiving end and maybe not acknowledging just how good you feel or how grateful you are. Now’s your chance to not just tell them but show them. Do something special for this person to put a smile on their face. A gift, card, letter, a special song and dance…get creative. Ha!

And DRUM ROLL PLEASE…

5. Pay Attention to Your Attraction Power

What are you a magnet for? What do you keep getting over and over again THAT YOU DON’T WANT? MIND YOUR WORDS PEOPLE!

If you continue to say:

“Oh, she just wants my money like most of these women. Many of them are lazy, they can’t cook, clean and are just gold diggers.”

Guess what fellas, YOU JUST PUT A SUGAR DADDY STAMP ON YOUR HEAD and you will get more of those lovely ladies.

Or

“Roberto was such a cheating dirt bag! I’m so tired of dealing with men like him. They all are dogs. There are no good men left!”

Guess what ladies, you just became the OFFICIAL DOG CATCHER of 2011!

Or

“Teenagers are lazy! My kid never does anything I ask!

Guess what Mommy? You have some more socks and dirty underwear to pick up in the living room.

You get the point now, huh? LOL Mind your words and your thoughts. The louder you shout no, the more powerful your attraction. Spend time focusing on the relationship you want now. Act as if you are IN IT NOW. Dream, think, and write about it in your journal as if it’s already yours and you might surprise yourself at the 50/50 love you’ll manifest.

I think Teddy Pendergrass said it best in his song, When Somebody Loves You Back…Who knew I’d ever be quoting Teddy Pendergrass? LOL

“Not 70/30, Not 60/40, Talkin’ ’bout A 50/50 Love”

Listen here for a nice trip down memory lane. I know you’ll be humming this all day, so enjoy!

Please share what you think about this post …Is there anything here that has worked for you or that you would like to add? If you’d like to find out more about my coaching group, go here. We’d love to have you! It’s open to MEN and Women! ownyourpower.biz/circle

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