Since April 15^th I have collected 700 Love Capacity Quizzes form men.

The average Score for Men: 5 (4.84)

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Love Capacity Score of 5 = Under Construction

The average Score for Men that are Married: 5 (4.88)

The average Score for Men that are Divorced: 5 (4.85)

The average Score for Men that are Single, Never Married: 5 (4.82)

The average Score for Men that are Widowed: 5 (4.57)

The average Score for Men that earn less than $55,000: 5 (4.87)

The average Score for Men that earn more than $55,000: 5 (4.85)

The average Score for Men in the age group 25-34: 5 (4.88)

The average Score for Men in the age group 35-44: 5 (4.80)

Since April 15^th I have collected 3,700 Love Capacity Quizzes form Women.

The average Score for Women: Click Here To Read More

Follow Me On Twitter: @StevenJDixon

RELATED LINKS:

For Love Capacity Data Analysis Part 1 Click Here!

For the Love Capacity Score Definitions Click Here!

How To Win The Dating Game: Men Respond To Standards

“We’ve Been Dating 15 Months & I’ve Never Been To His House Or Met His Mother”

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Hottest Celeb Pics Of The Week: May 17- 23

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This conversation was the birth of the concept of the book “Love Capacity”.

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The average man does not love at the same capacity as the average woman. Generally speaking, we are not as deep, not as passionate, not as dedicated. The problem with the Love Capacity of the man and woman being different is that the woman doesn’t find out about these differences until she is a wife. I have counseled hundreds of couples over the past three years. There was one thing common between most of them:

On the wedding day the wife believes that she is luckiest woman is the world. She is extremely happy with her choice to share her life with. Let’s say that her Love Capacity is a “10”. Let’s say that the husband’s Love Capacity on the same day is a “7”. Within the first three years of marriage the woman finds out that the man doesn’t love her the way that she loves him. His love for her is not as deep, not as passionate, not as dedicated. The disappointment of this new information negatively impacts her capacity to love. While her Love Capacity is on the decline, his Love Capacity is just now starting to increase.

The book “Love Capacity” is about getting the man and the woman’s capacity to match at some level and then getting them to increase their capacity to love at the same rate. The first step in this process is the Love Capacity Quiz. The data analysis from the quiz will provide the information needed to develop tools to positively impact a person’s Love Capacity.

To revisit the article about the Love Capacity Scoring System & Descriptions Click Here!

I need 1,000 men to take the Love Capacity Quiz on http://www.LoveCapacity.com.

Click Here To Read More!

Follow Me On Twitter:@StevenJDixon

Women: Your Standards Are Too Low If You Accept These 6 Things

What Is Stopping Him From Taking It To The Next Level?

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for the past 7 years and we have a son together. His family has never been supportive of our relationship and they don’t like me. Though we’ve been together for so long, and I don’t like some of his ways, he has made some changes and has enrolled in college and stopped hanging out every night. But, there are things that haven’t changed like him wanting to play around online and texting other females behind my back, and making a fool out of me.

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I’ve dealt with lies, dishonesty, and just straight games with this man. Every time I think our relationship has reached another level and think that things between us has gotten better, I will find out that he is online talking to other women, and finding numbers and text messages from random women in his phone. I have been more than a good woman to him. I have showed him nothing but compassion, love, honesty, faithfulness, and loyalty. What have I received in a return is a bunch of lies and games and I’m so done.

I forgive him time and time again, and thought he changed. He says he is in love with me and only wants to be with me and he says he wants to get married. But, I feel that its all about actions and his actions shows otherwise. – Tired Of Waiting

Dear Ms. Tired Of Waiting,

Well, the problem is that you keep showing him nothing but compassion, love, honesty, faithfulness, and loyalty, all while lying on your back and letting him walk all over you! Stop letting him treat you like a doormat. Get your ass up and punch him in his damn mouth! LOL!

And, you keep forgiving him time and time again with the hopes that he will change. Uhm, boo boo, he is not going to change. He’s been that way, and will always be that way. And, you keep hoping that your niceness, and goodness will help him to see that you are a good woman and that he shouldn’t treat you the way he does. Well, you haven’t given him any repercussions for his actions. You keep taking him back with these hopeful fairy tale romanticized ideas that he’ll be your prince charming. Girl, let it go and him go! It’s not going to happen.

You’ve been with him for 7 years. Now, let’s re-evaluate what has been consistent with him for those 7 years – He’s lied to you. He’s dishonest. He keeps playing games. You find numbers and text messages from random women in his phone. He’s talking to other women. And, I’m willing to gamble anything that he is sleeping with other women. So, if this has been going on for 7 years, and you’re not married, then what makes you think things are going to change? I’ll tell you – NOTHING! Not a damn thing!

It’s time for you to get a damn backbone, and stop being a weak spineless woman who keeps taking this man back after he treats you so inconsiderately and with no regard. Pack your and your child’s –ish and move out. Move on and let him know that you are not going to play these games and be mistreated for another 7 years, 7 months, 7 days, or 7 minutes. You’re done. You’re over it, and him. When he decides to act like a man, and not a little ass boy, and get his –ish together, and start treating you like his woman, then MAYBE, you’ll consider being in a relationship. But, only, and after you’ve seen some improvement, some changes, and some movement toward being a man, and being a father, and acting like a man who is in a relationship. And, this has to go on for at least 6 months. Honey, he will change for one week, and you’ll think he’s different. No ma’am. Give him 6 months to get it together, and if he’s not consistent, then you’ll know and have your answer.

You women better stop waiting on these men to change. If they keep doing the same thing over and over again, and it’s been going on for years, then please know that he is not going to change. You’ve allowed him to treat you this way for so long, and with no consequences for his actions, then why do you expect him to treat you any other way? YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU!! And, if you think you’re garbage, trash, and worthless, well, guess what you will get? Yeah, you may think you’re a good woman, and you’ve gone above and beyond in being loyal, honest, and loving, but if he doesn’t treat you as such, then he’s a douche bag, and you really need to re-evaluate how you think and feel about yourself. Now, leave his ass, and get a life! You don’t deserve to be mistreated this way, and he doesn’t deserve a woman like you. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

What Is Stopping Him From Taking It To The Next Level?

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Anderson Cooper Kicks ‘Human Barbie’ Off Show: ‘You’re Dreadful’ (VIDEO)

The media plays an integral role in perpetuating this sometimes true stereotype through movies, music videos, and even the headlines you read on your favorite blog sites. Several years ago, actress Lauren London ruffled a few feathers after an interview with King Magazine. She was asked about her preference in men, and whether she liked an “honest thug.” Her response was, READ THE REST HERE: Why Do Black Women Love Thugs? [Opinion]

Words by: Valerye Griffin – (@valmarie)

10 Ways To Go From Girlfriend To Wife

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There is no such thing as an “excuse” to cheat. But, love is strong. It’s a hard force to fight and sometimes everything was so good in the relationship, until that one in discrepancy, that it breaks your heart to end something, even if you’ve been cheated on. But your heart will be broken a hundred times more if you are cheated on again, or if you spend every day feeling like a fool simply for taking him back.” ~Madamnoire.com

After reading all that and you are still compelled to take back your cheating boyfriend, put him through the wringer. What do we suggest you do? Click here for 6 things a cheater has to do to get you back.

6 Reasons Not To Go Back To Your Ex

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7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now, and he has been anything but extraordinary for me. We are madly in love with each other, and do everything that committed couples do. He told me plenty of times that he loves me, and shows me too, so I know that it’s real. I decided to move in with him about 3 months ago, and have been living with him ever since. I’m getting ready to leave out for the military soon, which he is very supportive of, and works a good paying job, 11 plus years in the making for him.

Well, 8 months into our relationship, I broke up with him and decided to move to Georgia with family, and he didn’t take that so well. I felt bad for leaving him unexpectedly, but felt a relief when I did so. He loves me a lot. While I was down there he sent me flowers, and helped me out when I was sick. He offered to come down to see me and even waited for me to come back home to try and make things work out between us. I was living in Georgia for about 5 months before I decided to return home, and that was when I moved in. He paid for my ticket and took me out to dinner when I arrived.

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He suggested that I move in with him since things wasn’t going so well for me in Georgia. He also told me over the phone, while I was in GA, that I didn’t have to worry about anything as far as paying rent or bills. Everything was gonna be taken care of since he wanted to help me get back on my feet when I arrived home. He is very supportive of me. If I need anything he pays for it and tells me how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and even mentioned marriage. Not only does he look out for me genuinely, but for my sick father as well, because he cares.

Jumping right into it, he is NOT the problem, his baby mother is. He has 2 kids by her, one is biologically his and the other is not. Before he met me, he was with her for 5 years. They were living together in the same house that we are living in now. He broke it off with her because she wasn’t fulfilling his needs or wants in a relationship, so she decided to move out into her own place and left him with all the bills. He told me the only reason why he stayed with her for so long was because of the kids.

In the beginning of our relationship she wasn’t a problem, but soon as she found out about us, she became one. I don’t know if she jealous of me or what, but I’m with him now and that is something she has to swallow. Me and her have got into it twice, but that was because she started to keep his son away from him. She felt as though I “stole” him from her, which is untrue. So, ever since I moved in with him, she has been doing things intentionally. But, I personally think she still has feelings for him, and is using his son as a pawn to stay next to him. When I ask him does he still have feelings for her, he says no, he just cares for the kids.

Recently, me and him has been getting into it because of the things she would do when she comes over to drop the kids off. I know that it’s NOT my house to be the boss, but I feel as though if you are in a relationship with someone, but have kids by somebody else, your ex shouldn’t be able to do whatever she pleases when she comes over, especially if you have a woman living there. He says the reason for him not speaking up to her is that he’s trying to keep the peace between them so he can see his son.

Soon after, I suspected him of cheating. She came over one day to drop off the kids, and spoke to me. She told me that she has a man, and is currently PREGNANT by him, and that she and my man are not messing around, they are just friends and parents to the kids! Now, a part of me wants to believe her, then, another part of me doesn’t. He’s always told me she found her a man and all, but I would always disagree, only reason being, when he told her I had moved in she didn’t take it well.

I have a great relationship with his kids, and he pays his child support for his son faithfully. So, why every time she comes over she ALWAYS have something to say??? And, why does she get all upset when her baby father moves on with his life, and decide to move another woman in his house, if she has a man, and is expecting another child? Shouldn’t she be HAPPY?????? I’M CONFUSED.  HELP! – Confused and Bothered

Dear Ms. Confused and Bothered,

Honey, you have issues. Seriously, you need some damn help!

I keep saying this over and over again about dating men with kids, and I hate repeating myself! You know what you’re getting yourself into when you’re dealing with a man with kids by another woman. So, why are you making such an issue out of it! SHE AND THE KIDS WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF HIS LIFE. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

I don’t understand why you are having problems with her, and why you are interacting with her. You shouldn’t even be talking with her, or discussing anything with her. This is the problem that you women create when you date men with kids. You get involved and want to show the other woman that you’re in the picture, and how you’re the new chick in the house, and she better get along with you and move on because he’s moved on. All the while, the man is sitting by and letting you two chickenheads go at it, and he doesn’t get involved because, “I’m just trying to keep the peace between us because I want to see my child.” SMDH!

The man never wants to get involved, thus, you women are fighting with each other, and in reality you two are not the problem. HE IS! He needs to set the boundaries and rules in the relationship. He needs to step up and be a man and let his ex know what’s going on, and how things are going to be handled. Hell, he can always go back to court and get certain visitations adjusted, as well as other issues that need to be handled with the child. You should not be involved in the arrangements of their children. You have nothing to do with them, and what’s going on with their children.

Yes, she may be jealous or upset that he has moved on, but so freaking what! Why are you internalizing her issues and letting it get to you? So what she makes snide comments, or does things to try to get under your skin. She can only do it if you allow her to. Honey, it wouldn’t be me. There isn’t any need for her to see me, talk with me, call me, or even know anything about me other than my name. Your man should not be discussing you with her. There is nothing to discuss. Not until you’re married, and even then, that’s all she needs to know is that he’s married, moved on, and that she is going to respect his new wife. And, then, you can have some interaction, but you and your husband set the tone. But, he is not your husband, is he?

And, yet, here he is again playing house with you as he did with her. He was with her for 5 years and didn’t marry her. Why? Because HE TOLD YOU (Again, there are three sides to a story: His side, her side, and the truth) that she wasn’t taking care of his needs or wants in the relationship, thus, she moved out. You don’t know the dynamics of their relationship and what went down because you were not there. You didn’t live with them, and you weren’t with them every day. So, I know you love him, and you’re dating him and living with him, and ultimately you’re going to listen to his side and what he has to say, and be on his side. But, you don’t know her side of the story. You don’t know what he put her through. You don’t know if he promised to marry her, take care of her and the kids, and any other promises that he reneged on, and after 5 years she probably got tired and fed up and moved on. But, you don’t know that, do you???

And, I’m curious as to why you left the relationship 8 months into it and moved all the way to Georgia, if you’re so in love? You even went on to state that you, “felt a relief when I did so.” Answer that, and get back to me.

But, he made promises to you, and lured you back in, and you went back, and now you’re trying to act like the queen in HIS home, the one he once shared with her. You’re playing house in HIS home, like he once did with her. He mentioned marriage, but haven’t brought it back up again. Hmmmm, could this be a pattern?

Look, whatever issues or challenges she has, why are you worrying about them? Why are you allowing what’s going on between them to affect your relationship with him? He’s told you that she’s moved on and has a new man. She even told you that she has moved on with a new man, and that she is pregnant. So, why are you letting her little nit-picking, and nagging get to you? There’s something else…..oh, yeah, it’s because you think they are getting it in. You’re insecure because they once had something, and you see the interaction between them when the kids are around. You really want to be married, but you won’t bring it up, so you’re waiting for him to do it. Yeah, there are some other promises he’s told you that you didn’t share in your letter, and they are sitting in the back of your mind, and you’re waiting on him to fulfill them.

Girl, start living your life, and stop thinking and obsessing over him and her. Get you some business. If it bothers you that much, then tell your man that when she’s bringing over the kids, she can bring them to the door, and your man can receive them, and bring them in. There is no need for her to come in the house. Tell him to not discuss you with her. There is no need for her to know anything about you other than your name. Don’t get involved in the rearing of their children. That is his and her job. Don’t get involved with their arguments or complaints. It’s between them. So, let them work it out. And, if you follow those simple things then your relationship will be all the better. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

RELATED LINKS:

“I Love My Man, But In The Bedroom He’s Not Fulfilling My Desires”

“My Husband Cheated For 6 Years & I’m Willing To Work On Us, But He Refuses”

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Let me start off by saying that I love you. I look forward to seeing your posts every week, and I love your straight forward approach to things. I’m purchasing Mogul, today (YAY! Finally). But, I want your professional opinion.

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now. We live together and both work full-time. He has a great family and our families like both of us and both of us together. Well, my sex life sucks monkey balls. Normally you hear men complain about women or their wives not giving it up, well in this instance it’s completely the other way around. We have a 7 year age difference. He’s 30 and I’m 23. He’s never been married nor does he bare any children (other qualities that attracted me to him).

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Well, when it comes to sex, we speak a totally different language. I’m a very sexual and affectionate person (I’m a Scorpio). I love to kiss, touch, etc. Basically do things that people in love and relationships do. Well he’s totally not into any of that. When it comes to kissing, he’s a pecker. When it comes to touching, he doesn’t. I’m an attractive woman so I’ve asked numerous of times is he still attracted to me, and he says yes, but I couldn’t tell from our sex life.

Let me give you two scenarios before we have sex or I attempt to have sex. I’ll ask (Yeah, I can’t believe it either sometimes) if he wants to and he’ll make that, “I don’t care” face. What person do you know does that? Then he’ll be like, “I’m watching TV” or, “I’m tired,” and it takes me getting upset for him to be like, “Oh, alright then,” (I’m like really dude?). Next scenario, we’ll be in bed or on the couch and I’ll initiate by kissing or touching on him and he’s ready in a flash, but when it comes to turning me on or getting me in the mood he does nothing. He expects me to just be ready like that. I tell him that I’m a woman and you have to get me in the mood. It always falls upon deaf ears, so needless to say that I have to use some hand action for myself, then it goes down and 5 minutes later it’s over. I then look at him like let’s go at it again, and he’ll be like, “Let me rest.” I have needs also.

I had a silver bullet that had to suffice when he wouldn’t want to have sex and he was actually jealous of it. He thinks all that is taboo. I asked him how was his sex life with his exes because maybe that’s why they broke up. Everything else is okay in our relationship except our sex lives. I need your advice. Should sex be a reason to stay or leave a relationship? – I Have Needs

Dear Ms. I Have Needs,

Thank you for the love, DIVA! I appreciate it very much! And, I do hope you enjoy your copy of my novel, MOGUL.

But, Baby, talking about incompatibility! Your bodies and sexual desires are on two different pages, in two different books, and in two different genres. You’re an erotica book and he’s a mystery novel. LMBAO!

Unfortunately, sex is the reason why a lot of people end their relationships. They just are not compatible sexually. But, perhaps you should explore all the options before you dip out on your man.

The oddity isn’t unusual. However, it’s rather getting both your needs in sync with one another, and it’s going to take learning one another’s sexual cycles. Yes, I said sexual cycle. There are folks who are like you who very sexual and can go on and on and on and on. Chile, you can get turned on by the wind blowing on your clit or breasts. You’re just ready! However, for him, he’s like most people who are not extremely sexual, and the need and desire for sex is not as important or necessary. So, unfortunately, you have to learn his sexual cycle and when he’s most excited, and most turned on.

Notice the days, and times of day he is usually turned on. Is he an early morning wake-up and get it type of person, or is he a late night before bed type of person? Does he like it mid-day, or in the evening right before the game, or right after? And, when he gets in the mood what is going on? What is the look in his eye, is it right after work, or after he’s had time to settle in? How is his body responding when you are touching him in certain spots and kissing him or fondling him? Also, is your man verbal? Does he like talking or for you to respond to how he’s handling you?

Sometimes setting the mood also helps, but keep in mind that men don’t need the candles, incense, and romantic backdrop for sex to happen, women need all that. But, if you need it, then create it. When he sees it he’ll know that you’re ready for some action. But, maybe and perhaps, he likes whip cream, chocolate syrup, flavored oils, and some music. You guys have got to work together and create the magic you both desire and need.

Sex in relationships is just like verbal communication. You have to talk to one another about your desires, likes, needs, and wants. You have to express to your mate what turns you on, what turns you off, and where to lick, stick, suck, and touch. And, it takes showing them, placing their hands and mouth on the parts that excite you. If you let him know where your spots are, and vice-versa, your sex life will be very vibrant and exciting. But, it takes communicating. When he touches you in a way that excites you, let him know by responding with a noise, or saying, “Yes, daddy, that’s it!” And, work your body in tune with his touches. Pop that punany and back it up on him! Explore new positions – let him put his thang in between your breasts; work your oral skills; try reverse cowgirl; blow bubbles in his a**! You’re a freak, hell, let the freak out!!!

GIRL, YOU’VE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER AND FIND THIS OUT.

And, yes, the age difference does matter. He’s 30-years old and you’re 23-years old. He should still be sexually active, but he is getting older and his sex drive may be declining. You mentioned he has a full-time job. There could be pressures and stresses from work that he is holding on to and it’s affecting his sexual appetite. And, if his job is physically demanding, then I’m certain he doesn’t want to work all day doing manual labor and then have to come home and do more manual labor by handling you and throwing you around the bed, picking you up, carrying you around the house, and acting like a sex maniac.

Also, try spontaneity sex. When he walks in the door, be there waiting on him in the nude, and drop down to your knees and tea bag him. Service him right at the front door. Or, be waiting in the kitchen with only an apron on cooking. Hell, sometimes you’ve got to change the scenery and environment. Have him meet you at a hotel or some discreet location, and when he arrives there you are with only a mink coat on and nothing underneath. Seduce him. Create fantasies, and I’m certain his sexual energy and desire will increase! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Related Links:

“My Husband Cheated For 6 Years & I’m Willing To Work On Us, But He Refuses”

“He Wants To Get Married & So Do I, But I’m Very Nervous”

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Don’t believe the hype: long distance relationships suck. They suck worse than going back to work after a vacation. They suck worse than parking tickets. They suck worse than a thunderstorm on your wedding day, minimum wage, missing out on a promotion to the lazy guy who always seems to wear stained shirts to work, burning your tongue on scalding coffee, finding out you have no shampoo when you’re already in the shower and your hair is already wet. I could go on, but you get the idea. Long-distance relationships suck.

Are Men Looking For Their Mother’s Qualities In A Wife? [EXCLUSIVE AUDIO]

A quick Google search for articles about long-distance relationships unveiled countless articles about how to make long-distance relationships work, and many were all about how great it can be to be in a long-distance relationship. Not many of them focused on the little things that most people (read me) overlook which make long-distance relationships really hard.

Here are 7 things that people don’t think about that make being in a long-distance relationship really damn hard…

The awkward apologetic half smile people give you when you tell them your relationship status.

It’s as though they’re thinking ‘oh what an idiot, she has no idea what’s going on behind her back’. You might not think that trying to start a long-distance relationship isn’t a very good idea, but seriously, don’t treat me like I’m a complete fool.

The assumption of everyone else that he/she will cheat on you.

‘Why don’t you just break up, he’s going to cheat on you anyway’. Yeah, thanks a bunch, that’s what I want to hear.

People telling you that it is bound to fail.

People have so many horror stories about their own or their next-door neighbor’s brother’s experiences with long-distance relationships, that they feel the need to share with you. Why? How does that help any? All that does is turn me into a paranoid crazed fool.

Seeing happy couples everywhere you go.

I’m probably a little bit biased, and sick to death of love with all the Valentine’s Day stuff I’ve seen this week, but when you’re hundreds or thousands of miles away from each other, seeing happy couples everywhere you go, is really crap. Today I had to fight the urge to either slap, or sit between a loved-up couple on the subway, just so they would stop molesting each other. Because, apparently, they were doing it just to offend me.

Being the third wheel.

The one thing that people would tell me all the time before I was in a long-distance relationship was that it meant I would have plenty of time to go out with my friends. And it does. However, if your ladies have partners, it means that you will end up being the third wheel, or fifth wheel, maybe even seventh wheel. Normally it doesn’t bother me, and going out with friends trumps moping at home alone anyway, but after a while it can get you down.

The time difference.

I always thought being in a long-distance relationship was no big deal, you can just talk on the phone or on the internet instead of seeing each other in person. Sadly, I forgot about the time differences. When you’re in America, and he is in New Zealand, it becomes a bit more difficult to talk all the time, because there are only so many days when I can go to work bleary eyed after being on Skype at 4am. Weekends, when neither of you have to be at work can sadly become almost the only time when you can speak to each other. Which brings me to my next point…

The high cost of international phone calls.

Much like the time difference dilemma, I forgot about international call costs. When normally I would text message throughout the day, even just random useless facts, with long-distance relationships, you can’t always do that, which makes the distance seem much father. It is cheaper, and less likely to induce a heart attack, to fly halfway across the world than it is to shell out for a phone bill which is lettered with international call costs. Sigh.

However, as basically every single article ever written on the subject will attest, I do believe that it will all be worth it in the end. And frankly, if you think otherwise, please don’t feel the need to tell me so at every opportunity.

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

About 8 months ago I put my husband out because I found out he had an ongoing affair for the past 6 years. I caught him twice before with the same “Other Woman,” and he swore he would break it off both times. He never did.

Fast forward to now and he is refusing to work on the marriage or even consider working on the marriage. He seems content to live with his sister and her family while I am now single mother to 2 teenagers and a pre-teen.

I wanted him to work on the marriage and was willing to forgive, but he says he doesn’t know if I can be “the wife he needs,” or him the husband I need. He says he love me, but he doesn’t want to just be married for the sake of marriage or the kids, he wants to have fun and have a fun companion. We are both 47 years old, and he says he doesn’t want to grow old and find himself stuck in a boring marriage.

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My heart is broken each time I ask him to at least try to work on the marriage and he refuses. Now, I am realizing I may have to give up and move on. The problem is he is at my house at least 4 times a week to visit our kids and I feel vulnerable and hopeful when he is around. Do I still wait on him? How do I let go and move on? When does this ache and sadness lessen? When will I be able to sleep at night and not feel like crying! When will the thought of being with someone else stop frightening me?

I didn’t have the affair but I feel as though I am being punished because of it. – Lonely and Confused

Dear Ms. Lonely and Confused,

Ma’am, uhm, ma’am, if someone doesn’t want to be with you, then let them go. If someone has walked out of your life, and refuses to work on the relationship, then please pack their shoes so they can keep walking. When someone leaves you, then know it was for the good. Girl, stop begging someone to be with you who doesn’t. Stop pleading and asking someone to go to counseling and they’ve told you, “I don’t think you can be the woman I need.” Politely pack all his -ish, and put him and all of his stuff out on the curb with the trash of his hoe ass mistress.

And, Ms. Honey, if I had the magical answer to all your questions, then I would be a best-selling author, making millions of dollars, and living on a Caribbean island on the beach.

I don’t know when the ache and sadness will lessen, but you have to start the process of healing. You have to be willing to let him, the affair, and what happened go. Holding on to it, and constantly reliving the moment, and the relationship he was having for the past 6 years will only keep you in bondage. It will hold you in that space and place of despair, unhappiness, and agony. Let it go. And, in order to that you have to learn how to forgive.

Forgive him, the other woman, and yourself. I know it sounds easier to do, but you’ve got to forgive so that you can move on. Forgive yourself because you probably think you failed. You probably feel as if there is something you could have done differently. Please know that you’ve done all that you can do. You were a great woman, who did great things, and gave him a wonderful family. You did nothing wrong. Him stepping out on the marriage, and cheating, and having another relationship has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. There is something he has to work on and work out. And, he has to be willing to get into therapy or counseling and figure it out. You can’t do it, and you can’t heal him or get to the root of his issues. So, forgive yourself.

When will you be able to sleep at night and not feel like crying? Honey, I can’t tell you. Time has no clock for healing. But, I will say that you can find some solace in surrounding yourself with wonderful support systems, and people who can uplift you and encourage you. Your spirit and heart is broken. Being with strong spiritual reinforcements will help you pull the pieces together, and heal. So, if you have a church home, or a spiritual foundation with a strong spiritual leader, I would suggest you reach out to them. It’s time to reconnect with your foundation, and the source that can help you reclaim your life, power, and purpose.

I, also, recommend that you begin speaking with a divorce lawyer. Honey, I hate to tell you this, but your marriage is over. There is no saving it, or working it out with your husband. He is not interested in being married any longer. He left you 7 years ago. I know he had a relationship with another woman for the past 6 years, but a year prior to that he had already left the marriage. The year prior he was planning, thinking, and considering leaving you and he got the opportunity when he met the other woman. So, his heart and mind had left you a long time before.

Besides, your husband told you that he doesn’t feel that you can be “the wife he needs,” nor the husband you need. And, he said that although he loves you, he doesn’t want to just be married for the sake of marriage or the kids, and he wants to have fun and have a fun companion. Uhm, Miss, he’s gone! These poignant statements are nails in the coffin of sealing his departure from you and the family. So, no amount of begging, pleading, or recommending counseling is going to make him change his mind. Let him go, move on, and start living your life.

I understand why you may want to make it work, and not give up, due to you being married and raising a family, and not expecting your husband to go out and have an affair, however, you’ve got to wake up to the reality and be real with yourself and the situation that he is not interested in returning to a marriage with you. And, those days when he comes by the home, you have to set the boundaries of the relationship, and not succumb to your urges, or his requests for sex, or whatever. He is playing on your emotions and weakness, and you’re falling for it. So, put on your big girl panties, slap yourself upside the head and remind yourself that he had an affair for 6 years with another woman, and you caught him twice. Thus, he had no intentions on stopping or ending the relationship when he lied to you and said he would. If I were you I would scorch his nuts with some hot bleach. Hell, I would even put a butt plug up his ass, and take some naught photos.

It’s time to wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Get to planning your exit, the alimony, and child support payments. He’s staying with his sister, and doesn’t plan on coming back, so make provisions on taking the home. Take him for everything, so that every day he wakes up, and realizes what he has done, and doing, he will be reminded of it as he sleeps on his sister’s sofa. He wants to have fun, then let the other woman take care of him. Stop allowing him to use you emotionally, physically, and mentally. He is taking advantage of you and the other woman. He has two women vying for his attention. Stop giving him yours. Be strong, and resilient in your quest to be free of the pain, agony, heartache, and heartbreak. You don’t want to cry anymore at night, then stop letting him consume your thoughts and mind. Start living, and stop laying down waiting to die, and for him to return. HE IS NOT! So, get some good girlfriends, and start celebrating your life. Celebrate everything you have and will become. Celebrate the fact that you have three wonderful children, and raising them to be wonderful adults. Celebrate your life, and how you’ve come this far, and nothing can stop you from being your greatness as a beautiful, intelligent and renewed woman. Yeah, it may be too early to consider dating, but don’t stop dressing up and looking your finest. There is a man, or men, who will have no problem stepping in and being a man to you and your children, but you’ve got to release your man in order for a new one to come in. Now, be fierce Diva and reclaim your power! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“He Wants To Get Married & So Do I, But I’m Very Nervous”

“We’ve Been Dating 15 Months & I’ve Never Been To His House Or Met His Mother”

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’m 24 years old and my boyfriend of two years is 30 years old, but we have been knowing each other for four years.

I have a son from a previous relationship that he adores, and he has four children from a previous relationship that I adore. Everything is as good as it can possibly be and I couldn’t be happier. But, about a month and a half ago he brought up the topic of marriage and has been talking about it every since. Ironically, we have the same last name already (I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, you better check to make sure y’all not related,” which I did). People already assume we are married. He has been married once before and it ended ugly, so I feel that it was necessary to tell him that the topic makes me a little nervous because once I get married I don’t want to get a divorce. He said he understands because he doesn’t want to get married and divorced again, and he wants me to be the woman he grows old with.

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I have no problem with marrying him, but I want to know is it normal to feel nervous when it comes to the topic of marriage, or am I just over thinking the whole situation? Should I Or Shouldn’t I

Dear Ms. Should I Or Shouldn’t I,

Yes, girl, it’s just pre-marital jitters, and many people feel them. It’s a new step in a new direction. And, the thought of being married along with the amount of work and commitment it takes is hard work. So, a lot of people get nervous and scared. It can be pressures of having to be perfect, or not getting it wrong, and feeling like a failure if it doesn’t work. Many thoughts and scenarios are running through your mind of what can go wrong. Stop focusing on the negative, and start thinking of all the things that can go right!

And, I’m glad that you shared with your boyfriend how you actually feel. Some folks would have lied, and ignored the conversation, and eventually they would begin to push their mates away, or put up a wall and not communicate. So, kudos to you.

Now, to handle these premarital jitters, well, I suggest you speak with a marriage counselor, and definitely get premarital counseling from your pastor, or spiritual leader. The jitters, and nervousness you have can be dealt with, and you can have a professional help you get to the root of your concerns. There may be something there that you are not aware of, and talking about it will help you and your boyfriend.

I’m tending to waver on the side of two things: He’s been married before, and that scares you. He’s had experience in being married, and has an expectation. Also, you’re 24 years old, and he’s 30 years old. That’s a major age difference. You haven’t really lived through your 20s yet, and he has. So, that can play into some of the jitters.

Here’s a novel idea: You can sit down with your boyfriend and make a list of the pros and cons about marriage. Write down what you are looking forward to. What’s exciting about being married to each other, and more importantly, what and how do you define marriage. I get too many letters from married folks who didn’t get premarital counseling, and they didn’t talk with their mates about what marriage meant for them. They just marched their happy asses down the aisle, said “I do,” had a party, and BAM! It hits them weeks later after the hoopla has died down, and the issues arise. The problems smack them dead in the face. They realize they have nothing in common, they hate each other, talk badly to one another, and treat each other like dogs. And, it all could have been avoided if they had received some counseling. But, folks are too damn fast these days.

So, make the list, sit and talk with your boyfriend, and definitely get into some premarital counseling. If you feel in your heart he is the man for you, the man you can see yourself being with for the rest of your life, and you’re willing to make it work when times get hard, and you’re going to stick it out through sickness and in health, the good and the bad, then honey, marry that man. I now pronounce you ____________________________. LOL! Let me stop. Girl, work through your jitters and start preparing your wedding. Enjoy each day and moment as you prepare down this journey, and make it a memorable occasion. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“We’ve Been Dating 15 Months & I’ve Never Been To His House Or Met His Mother”

“I’m Single & Want To Date, But I Don’t Think Women Should Ask Men Out, Am I Wrong?”

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Before I go off on a “this should be in my future best-seller” tangent, I’ll stop.

HelloBeautiful Gets Candid About Love, Life, Sex & Relationships With “SHANDA SAYS!”

The other day I went searching the internet for exciting info to share with the family and I came across a theory by psychologist John Lee called “Love Styles” or “The Colors of Love”. The theory identifies 6 distinct love styles that individuals practice in their romantic relationships.

• Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
• Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
• Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
• Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
• Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
• Agape – selfless altruistic love; spiritual

Source: Wikipedia.org

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I’m sure by just scanning the list we all know couples and individuals who fit in each category. How does knowing about this theory help one improve on what they already have or what they want? Well the idea behind the theory is to form a union with someone who has the same love style as yourself so that you have someone who understands why for example, devotion to the church is important or why you enjoy flirting in front of your partner. I personally think that the 6 six love types are a bit extreme based on the short descriptions given above however I wouldn’t discredit this theory.

I took the quiz and found out my love style is “Eros” which is too true. My head stays in the clouds I love all things beautiful and I am extremely passionate about every aspect of a relationship. A Ludus would walk all over me then get cut, a pragma would bore me and a mania would get on my damn nerves.

The downside to being an Eros, well we want everyone to be an Eros and often get hurt. *sigh* Tis the story of my life! I can say with confidence that a fellow Eros is hanging around and I’ve never had to do as little explaining about why I’m so loca, to anyone in my entire life and vice versa. It’s refreshing, but still keeping my eyes and options open in the interim.

Take the Love style quiz here.

Which love style are you?

Is this theory a bunch of BS or is there any truth to it?

Do you prefer one love style over the other?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I really need your help before I up and walk away from my man. I’ve been dating this one guy for 15 months and I’m tired of feeling hurt and left out. He can come to my place and hang out with me, but I can’t go to his place because he doesn’t want to cause any problems with his kid’s mom. She wants him back, but he doesn’t want her because of what she did and what she doesn’t want to do.

I do love him, but I’m at the end of trying to make this relationship work by myself. If you’re in a relationship and it’s going good, then what’s wrong with me meeting his family? He sees his mother every day. His brothers live out of town, and his father he doesn’t care too much for him. He’s been talking about getting marry and buying a house for us because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I want the same. But, what I don’t understand is why would you want to marry someone that you won’t let me meet your family? He’s met mine and I never been to his place because he doesn’t want his kids mother to start anything with me. I’m grown and can handle myself.

He told me last week that he let his mother move in with him, and it hurt me because I’ve never been to his place nor met his mother. Am I wrong for telling him that it’s not right for her to move in when I have never been there or met her? Now, he wants me to come over, but I won’t go because he’s had plenty of time for me to meet her and see his place. I am a good woman to him. I’ve done more than my fair share to keep to us going. I’ve never asked him for money or to pay my bills. I’ve helped him a lot because he doesn’t have much money. I feel like I’ve been the man and he’s the woman. I know that I have been to damn good to him and more understanding to him and his problems.

Where do I fit in? Was I wrong for telling him that his mother will always be there, but I am a guarantee! Momma’s boy needs to get a back bone and do what’s right because I will walk out for good! I’m hurting over this. – Confused By Momma’s Boy

Dear Ms. Confused By Momma’s Boy,

Girl, let that man go and move on with your life. He is a boy. He is not a man. He has two women controlling his life – his ex-girlfriend and his momma. They both are babying him and coddling him. UGH! I can’t stand grown ass men who act like little ass boys letting women take care of them. And, here you come doing the very same thing. You’re taking care of him, you’re keeping the relationship going, and you’ve helped him a lot because he doesn’t have money. And, like you said, “You’re the man and he’s the woman.” Stop it, now! Stop allowing yourself to be used, and to be taken advantage of!

Please wake your sleepy ass up and get out of that relationship. He is not going to change, won’t change, and never going to change. You mean to tell me that after 15 months you’ve never been to his house, or met his kids because he doesn’t want to cause any trouble with the kid’s mother? So, does she live there? Does she pay the bills and the rent? Why can’t you go to his house? That –ish doesn’t make any sense. How can she dictate and control what goes on in his house? Not unless she is living there with him. And, I truly believe that they are still together, and getting it in. You cannot be that naïve and dumb. Please tell me that you’re not that silly. Then on top of it all, he hasn’t taken you to meet his mother, yet, he’s met your family? Uhm, sweetie, I hate to break this to you, but any man who’s been dating a woman that long and you’ve never met any of his family members, or friends, then he doesn’t think of you as someone he will be serious with.

He is blowing smoke up your ass, and you’re bending over and allowing him to do it. This man is telling you that he is going to marry you and buy you a house. Uhm, Do-Do brains, where is he getting this money from? How can he buy you house and he can barely take care of himself? Hell, it’s going to be you, his ex, his kids, and his momma all living in that damn house. So, sit your dumbass over there and wait on it.

I truly can’t with you women! You’re so desperate to be with a man that you will listen to his lies, bull-ish tales, and won’t use your simple ass judgment to say to yourself, “Wait a minute! I haven’t met his mother, have never been to his house, and never met his kids, and it’s been 15 months. And, I’m the one keeping the relationship going, and helping him financially. Something is wrong with this picture. What the hell is wrong with me??” This is when you change your number, stop allowing him access to you, and move the hell on! But, honey, I wouldn’t even let it get to 15 months. Hell, it wouldn’t have made it to 3 months! No ma’am.

I want to shake some damn sense into your damn head. Lawd, knows I really want you to just use some damn common sense. Everything he is saying to you is not adding it up. It doesn’t make sense. Then, this fool’s momma moves in with him, yet, you’ve never met her?!? Come on, sweetie, please stop drinking from his nut sac. UGH!!!

This relationship is doomed. It will not get better. It will not turn around. You will always be competing and vying for his attention with his mother and ex-girlfriend. And, guess who is going to win out all the time? I’ll let you ponder that, and I’m done with you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“How Can I Be Supportive Of My Man Despite His Pyscho Baby Momma?”

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I love him and his two kids, but his baby mama is psycho. He constantly struggles with trying to balance his relationship with her so that she’ll let him see his kids, as well as his relationships with his family and his relationship with me including working 2 jobs. He is working himself to the bone and emotionally wearing himself down to the bone, and I feel helpless. I want to help, but I don’t know how.

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I don’t want to involve myself in things with his baby mama because that is between them and I don’t think it’s my business how they raise their kids, or how she chooses to give and take with them to get to him. He gives her way too much in child support, and, yet she has him pay for everything which he won’t say no to so the kids won’t suffer.

He’s a great guy and a great dad, but I just feel bad for him. How can I be supportive without stepping out of line? Again, I’m trying to give him some space to figure his stuff out and so he can learn to balance…not to mention I have my own life and issues so I feel like I should take care of me still. How can I show support and love and not overstep boundaries? Setting Boundaries

Dear Ms. Setting Boundaries,

This is what happens when you date and take on a man who has a baby momma. I tell you women all the time that it wouldn’t be me. A man with a baby momma is only a headache, and life filled with drama and stress. Especially if they don’t have a great relationship, and she doesn’t know her boundaries. No ma’am. Leave those men alone!!! One reason is because they will forever be in each other’s lives, and if she is as psycho as you say she is then there is a guarantee that she will be psycho tomorrow, in the next year, as well as five years from now, hell, even ten years from now. And, she will always treat you as the other woman, and she will always feel as if she has priority with him, his time, his income, and his life because she has his children. So, get used to it.

You will always be the outsider. You’re not the mother of his children. Therefore you have no say. No input. No authority. And, unfortunately, you’ll always be on the sidelines watching as the two of them go at it, and as he struggles to be the good father and man for his children.

And, you’re right about giving him some space to figure this stuff out so that he can learn to balance his life, his children’s well-being, and being in a relationship with you. The only thing you can do is be supportive of him. Do not, and I mean DO NOT get involved with trying to tell him how to handle his baby momma, or get in their business. You said it so poignantly in your second paragraph, “That is between them.” It’s not your concern, your business, or your issue. SO STAY OUT OF IT!

I know you love him and want the best for him, but he is going to have to work this out and do what’s best for himself. Just continue to be supportive with a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a place for him to feel and be loved. But, do not get involved in the affairs between he and his baby momma. Do not give your opinion, judgment, or thoughts about the situation because it will come back to bite you on your ass!! Trust me!

Also, you mentioned you have your own life and issues. Don’t compound what’s going on in his life with yours especially considering you’re only dating. You’re not married. You’re not husband and wife, so therefore do not overstep your role and boundaries. Stay in your lane!!! And, keep in mind that as you’re observing what’s going on from out the outside between he and his baby momma there is always his side, her side, and the truth. So, you’re only getting what’s happening and going on from his perspective. You don’t know what’s going on between them when they are alone. You don’t know how he treated her in their relationship, how it ended, why it “really” ended, and why she may be taking him through the ringer. She has a perspective as well, and you don’t know what it is.

But, if you choose to stay with him and want to be supportive of him then create a space where he can feel and be at peace. I’m sure agitating and instigating the situation by bringing up his baby momma only riles him up. So, if he vents and wants to talk about it, let him, but don’t you respond. Just let him get it out. Take this opportunity to create fun, joyous, and loving memories with him. Do things together where you two can find happiness and peace. Even if it’s just the two of you at home, having dinner, watching television, and laughing together. That is your time. So, make them special. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Now, if you and your significant other share all the same friends, and everyone can sit together and sing “Kum Ba Ya” without killing each other (or the use of alcohol), then great. However, more often than not there is that one friend that is just a worthless waste of human existence (at least in your eyes) that your wife or husband hearts. Whether she’s the cackling sistah girl who didn’t think you were worth shit to begin with or that “big brother” guy pal YOU know always wanted to be more than that, these are people you will have to deal with, right? I mean, they have been friends forever. They have passed out on your couch. They were in your wedding. And, if you’ve married this woman or man, you on some level have accepted them as “friends”…right?

If you’re not sure, here are 5 types of friend-in-laws and my advice about how to best handle them:

1. The know-it-all sistahgirl. Hook her up with one of your “good guy” friends (see below). Just make sure that he doesn’t screw her over. It will be more trouble than it’s worth.
2. The space cadet. The chick who just seems late…to life. Have patience. She is usually also really hot, so it makes her a little more tolerable. If you’re not patient (and she is cute), kill her with kindness. Your wife will likely get really jealous and she will disappear.
3. The snob. Ignore her. Snobs hate that shit.
4. The wet blanket. She is sometimes No. 1 as well, but more often than not she is afraid…to do anything.
5. The good guy. That male best friend that used to listen to all her problems. There’s no easy way around this one. You just have to grin and bear it. Sorry.

And, if all else fails, just call in your dumbass friends that she hates. Yes, believe it or not, you have at least one… Yup, that one.

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I have a best friend who is gay, or what you would call a “Dyke.” We have been friends since high school. She is a year older than me. I am 35-years old and a FTM. (FTM is female to male transition; The taking of hormones and getting surgery to the chest or genitalia to be male. Or, you can say transgender. So the outside matches how I feel on the inside)

When me and my friend were young we hung out, partied, and did the usual things young people do. As we got older I went off to college and she went to computer school. When I came back we grew distant. I still tried asking her to hang out, and we did with her and her girl in her apartment. I invited her to my house, and I never really heard from her. I see that she is not doing well, and I offered to help. Not just money, but with jobs in places that pay well, but she just blows it off. I still invite her places, but I get no response when I text her.

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Fast forward 6 months later, and I see on Facebook that she had a baby! (A boy).  So, I write to her saying, “Congrats, and why didn’t you tell me. I am happy for you.” She responded by saying she didn’t know she was pregnant. Some bull-ish. I offer to invite her and the baby over, to show her that I am supportive, and I get no response. What should I do? – Fed Up

Dear Ms./Mr. Fed Up,

Sorry, I didn’t know how to address you.

But, err, uhm, she is not your friend. And, it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to be bothered. You’ve reached out to her and extended yourself to her, but she has been unresponsive. She doesn’t come over when you invite her to your place. When you invite her places, hell, she doesn’t even respond. Then, when you offer to help her unemployed broke ass with jobs and contacts, she blows it off. Freak her! Why keep going out of your way and bending over backwards and she is basically telling you to kiss her ass and leave her alone.

When someone is ignoring you, not returning calls, and never initiating conversation or times to get together then it’s time to move on from the friendship and chalk up the relationship as it has run it’s course. Have you heard of the saying, “Friends are in your life for either a reason, season, or lifetime – Those who are in your life for a reason are there to teach you a lesson. They are there for a short period of time and do not stay very long. They are in and out. Then, there are those who are in your life for a season. They are there for a few months, or years, and they, too, also provide valuable lessons during their short tenure. Then, there are the friends who are you in your life for a lifetime. They are die-hard, true, through-and-through friends who have your back, tell you the truth, and always there for you. They know you and you know them. You’ve gone through things, experienced some heartaches, good times, joys, pains, and laughter. Yes, true friends.” And, it seems that your friend was more like a seasonal friend. The friendship ran it’s course and now it’s over. And, for whatever reason she has decided to move on with her life, and out of yours. When people want to leave out of your life, LET THEM GO!

I mean, come on! Get a clue! Geesh! She didn’t even let you know she was having a baby. For 9 whole months she didn’t even bother to inform you, or even reach out to you after the baby was born. SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU BEING A PART OF HER LIFE, LET ALONE BEING A PART OF YOUR LIFE.

It’s time to accept the reality of what the situation is: YOU ARE NO LONGER THE LITTLE GIRLS/BOY THAT YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND YOU BOTH HAVE CHANGED. She’s moved on, and doing her thing, and it’s time for you to move on and do your thing.

You can reminisce over the good times you had, and think back of the fond memories. And, that’s how you should hold your friendship with her. Let the good old days be that of the past and what you did, and how you enjoyed yourselves. It’s time to create some new memories and new experiences with folks who will be there with you for the long haul. Why do you want to be friends with someone who didn’t even tell you they were pregnant, had a child, and the child is damn near walking? Chile, bye! Start enjoying the new chapters of life and all that it has to offer, and bring. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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You look good, you smell good and you’re wearing the only matching lingerie set you own. All signs point to go.

You’d think with this many green lights that there’s no way a lady could mess this up. Maybe you’d think that, but you’d be wrong. Here are just a few of the ways this could go south in a hurry:

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1. Don’t depend on him for birth control. Yes, he should carry condoms, but ultimately it’s up to you — it’s your body and you need to keep yourself safe. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be, but the sad fact is, even the nicest seeming guy isn’t always as invested in keeping us disease and pregnancy-free. Even if you’re the kind of traditional lady who insists your date pay for everything (after all, you’re giving him the gift of your company), do not let stubbornness get in the way of your safe good time. And nothing ruins a good time like a below-the-belt itch or unplanned pregnancy.

2. For Pete’s sake, don’t cry. Some of us have a weird habit of occasionally bursting into tears during sex — it’s the rush of endorphins that does it, so blame biology! But, if there’s any way to pull yourself together the first time you make sweet love to your new boyfriend, try to. Waterworks will lead him to believe that either he hurt you–and in that case, will never again do that thing again — or he’ll think that you’re a mental case. Either way, you probably won’t be seeing him again anytime soon.

3. Leave the comparison talk at home. You know how almost every woman you know thinks she’s fat? Yeah, well most guys think they’re, ahem, less endowed than they actually are. Imagine if you thought a size zero was the way you thought you should look just because the model in Vogue was. Sigh.

To read the other three no-nos, click here!

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Scott, Michelle doesn’t believe in you anymore. I can’t believe you for her. You have to convince her yourself. And from the looks of things, this probably needs to be your last apology. Your last apology because you will be perfect for the rest of your life or because Michelle decides that she cannot forgive you. 3 . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . GO!

“Michelle you know I love you, right . . .?”

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Stop right there! This is not a time for you to ask Michelle questions. This is a time for you to tell Michelle how you feel and to tell Michelle why you will not make the same mistakes that you have made in the past. Tell Michelle what is going to be different about you in the future. 3 . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . GO!

“Michelle I love you. I have always loved you. I have not always known how to express my love for you. Steven has taught me that love is an action. It is not just something that you say or feel, it is something that you show. I have learned that showing someone that you love them is something that requires consistency. I have not been consistent and that is something that I will correct immediately with the help of Steven.” (Scott looks at me. I look at Michelle . . . I wait for her response . . . nothing.)

That’s not good enough Scott. What else you got? Explain to Michelle how we talked about the reprioritization of your life.

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a dilemma and I need your advice. I’m a 29-year old successful, educated, well-rounded (you know, the credentials of every great woman), yet I am still single. Why?!? I don’t know.

Lately, I have been meeting men only to have a few conversations on the phone but no dates. Some friends of mine tell me that there is nothing wrong with asking a man out on a date and that I should be more aggressive. Others state that I should not ask men out and let them ask me first. Personally, I’m a firm believer that if a man wants to spend time with you he will ask you out regardless. It should not be a game. Why should I have to ask first?  That’d not my line. He is the man; I am the woman. I know my position. Am I right?!?!

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So I put this “women asking men out” theory to a test…..here is my story.

I recently met a guy at a party. It was obvious we were attracted to one another so we exchanged numbers. We talked on the phone to get to know each other and the conversations were nice, but weeks would go by and still no actual date. At this point I would have stopped talking to him, but I figure let me try this “theory” out to see what the outcome would be.

During one of our many conversations on the phone, I asked him when he is available to hangout. His response, “I have a flexible schedule just let me know when your available.”

Now, at that very moment, I am thinking, okay maybe this theory does work after all.

Then, two days later go by, I text him that I have an opening and we should meet up for dinner and drinks at a chill spot. He texted back, “sounds good.” I texted back with the day and place. He never replies back.

Now, I know he got my text message and he was open once he texted me back with a “sounds good.”

Days have gone by and I haven’t heard from him since. I took his number out my phone because obvious something went hellah wrong. Maybe I overstepped my position as the woman? Maybe he was not interested in the first place? Could he already be involved?  Was I not aggressive enough?  What the hell happen?!?!?!

So my question to you, Terrance, and the Hello Beautiful readers: Should women ask men out or initiate a first date? Please give me the hardcore advice/truth. It will set me free. – Hopeless Dater

Dear Ms. Hopeless Dater,

Well, he’s not the one for you. And, I wouldn’t put too much energy or focus into it. But, Ms. Honey, I will say this: You tried your theory on ONE guy and now you’re making an assumption that ALL men don’t like women asking them out.

And, it just goes to show you, and what I know to be true, that when you are committed to a “story,” or an “idea/thought,” the universe will provide you with the very experience to make your “story,” and “idea/thought” the very reality that you believe to be true.

The ONE man you found attractive, and had some conversations with, and then after several weeks and he had not asked you out, you decide to ask him. But, with that little bit of doubt in the back of your mind, that hesitancy, and reluctance, you figured you’d ask him and see if the theory of asking a man out isn’t such a big deal. And, I’m sure as you’re asking him, you’re thinking to yourself, “This isn’t going to work. This is some bull-ish. Why am I asking him out? He should be asking me. Nothing good is going to come of this.” And, lo and behold, you got what you thought, had been feeling, and continue to think. Now, you get to be right in your self-righteous thoughts that men should ask women out, and not women asking me out.

So, if you really want to date, and you really want to meet a man, and you really want to see if the theory is true, then you’ve got to test more men. You’ve got to get out of your head, out of your negative thought process, and let go of the idea that only men should ask women out. If you truly will let that idea/thought go, then I’m sure you will have a different outcome. And, if you’re wondering why you are single, then, it could be that you’re waiting on Mr. Right to come along. And, sometimes, you may have to speak up and let Mr. Right know that you are available. You may have to approach him, and get his attention. I’m just saying.

But, if you’re committed to the idea that a man should ask a woman out on a date, and that no woman should be so aggressive, or assertive with a man, then don’t worry about what your friends think. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks for that matter. Be patient, and wait on the man. Don’t lose sight of your morals and values because of what others think. If you believe wholeheartedly what you believe, then no one can fault you or make you wrong for it.

But, I am curious as to the part of your story where you say you texted him with a day and place for you two to get together, and he never replied. Sooooooo, why didn’t you call him? This boggles my mind that you were awaiting for him to respond, and when he didn’t, you immediately deleted his number from your phone because you assumed he was not interested. But, yet, you never called him to find out if he got your text. You never called him to confirm the day and place.

You see, this is why I always call folks after I send them a text confirming something if they don’t reply. Because there are times that technology does not always work, and many texts do not go through. I’ve had many friends tell me that they sent a text, but unfortunately I never got them. And, then they discover that it either didn’t go through, or they thought they sent the text but didn’t, and, sometimes my phone was acting up and days later I would get the text. Technology is not reliable, but a phone call is!

Therefore, do what makes you happy. Whatever you feel brings you joy, happiness, and the possibility of being with someone, then do it. But, keep in mind that you’re 29-years old, single, well-rounded, got it going on, but, you’re sitting at home on the weekends while others are out having fun. Mr. Right is not going to show up at your doorstep and ring your bell. You’ve got to put yourself out there and take some chances. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Hey there! :-) First time reading/seeing your articles (and would love to sign up with you for EVERYTHING).  You are hilarious! But, more importantly, you are straight up and to the point – love it. So, I’m praying you will give me some insight into my situation.

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I met this man going on 2 years back, and we conversed on the phone for a couple of months before ever physically meeting. The first time we met was VERY brief at a mutual friends house. I was in and out (running late, really). I was really attracted to him, but by the time I actually call for me and him to chill, A ONE NIGHT STAND, was the only thing on my mind, lol. I’m just being honest.

So, this dude BLOWED my mind, amongst other things, but I still didn’t plan on anything serious with dude. But, I definitely was gone let him hit it again. After the 2nd or 3rd time, we had sex and he gave me his house key, his grandmother’s house key. He told me he was gone wife me and I was going to have his first son. Common sense should’ve told me then that he was CRAZY. But, I was D***NOTIZED. Even though I still had some reservations about the growing situation between him and I. He was so kind and understanding. He seemed to have some sense and self-control about him. He is 40-years old and I’m 30-years old. In the midst of all this good sex and happy beginnings I met his family and he met mine. He painted my living room, bought me and my children clothes (I have 1 boy and 1girl).

So, barely six months later, I had to leave for a mandatory 30 days. He seemed to have held it down, but as soon as I’m released, he is gone that weekend. Then everything returns to normal, somewhat. I start to notice changes in his behavior, like his temper has a short fuse, getting upset over the simplest of things, and he is cursing his mother, whereas before, he always took time to understand. Then I find out I’m pregnant. Damn!

He was ecstatic, which had me somewhat hopeful that his attitude would change for the better.  Well, it didn’t.  Also, by the time I found out I was pregnant, his mother had moved to an apartment complex where he befriended some young men who don’t work and do drugs all day and night long – Green white liquor and pills. Personally, I don’t knock nobody for what they do, as long as they can handle their business. But, I barely drink and I’m a social smoker. But, slowly I’m slowing down my intake.

Anyway, he is happy I’m pregnant. I was sicker than a mug with this pregnancy, and he had no consideration. I didn’t want no hug, no affection, no snuggles after sex because the smell of him had me nauseous. And, I told him time and time again how I felt until I ended up being nasty back to him. I told him he makes me sick in every since of the word and to stay the “F” away from me. When I would be soft-spoken he wouldn’t act like he cared, or he just cursed me saying I was rude. I’m going to try to cut it short.

My last pregnancy was high-risk. So, I’m telling him that my blood pressure is going to shoot up and I might end up with other complications (mind you my blood pressure is already unstable on a non-pregnant day). But, he claims he thought I was lying, until I went to my OB/GYN and they made me go straight to the hospital, where I stayed until delivery (3weeks in-patient). My son was born at 26 weeks. Right before I was put in the hospital I picked up a nice black microwave for the new apartment him and his mother just moved into. Once again, it turns into something negative. This man violently was pushing me in front of my 9-year old daughter, while she was screaming for him to stop.  Later that night he came by my house and cursed my mother and got nasty with my son. I did not press charges, but I did file a report. While I was in the hospital he threatened to kill me. When I got out he threatened to kill me.

Now he claims he never said it and I need to stop making up things. I still have the texts and police report to prove it. He also got kicked out of the hospital while visiting me. I really was just trying to be cordial because I still haven’t gotten over what he did to me in front of my daughter. Skipping to the end, now that our son is home and healthy, I went against my sense and accepted the invitation to his home while his mother was gone. My son was already there for 3 days so I figured me and the father should be ok for less than 24 hours. I was WRONG again. He ends up cursing me because I asked him, “Will you please stop just for a minute and give me the bottle of water you was telling me about? I looked all over the kitchen twice and couldn’t find it.” (The water was so I could fix my son’s formula)

So, after asking nicely two times, then getting yelled at two times, I went off on him for getting loud with me when all I was asking for was help so I could feed HIS baby. Next thing you know, me and my son got kicked out. He snatched the baby bag from me, and when I told him my son was hungry he told me, “That’s on you.”  I simply responded by letting him know that I could eat whatever I wanted to, but it’s his baby suffering because of his, “ANGRY ass BS.”  We ended up having the police come out to his place and he was disputing with the officer about why he should have to give me the things his son needs. Finally, he returns our baby’s things and I am able to leave. He blows my phone up later that night. The next day, and four days later, I still haven’t picked up, but he’s leaving messages saying he wants to see his son.

Now, here is my question- How should I go about visitation, if any? I don’t feel safe if me and him are the only adults in the house. He signed the papers for the birth certificate, but then changed his mind before I sent them in. (He didn’t want his name on it because of child support, however I do have his social security number)

But, I don’t really want him on the birth certificate anyway because that means he’s giving up all access :-)! And, I was going to tell the courts that it’s NOT his baby. Only thing is if he chooses to accept to send child support, and when they do the DNA test, they will find out it is his baby  :-( ! (How backwards is that?)

PLEASE HELP ME! I NEED a little bit of your expertise and knowledge sent my way. Thank you, Boo! Oh yeah, he lies to everybody twisting reality to make him look perfect, but claims he has no reason to lie. I have caught him a couple of times. – Not Really Feeling Him

Dear Ms. Not Really Feeling Him,

It’s really hard for me to decipher your letter because I don’t speak Ghetto-nese. But, I will try.

First, I want to address the fact that this man has threatened to kill you, and he was removed from the hospital while you were giving birth to his child. Uhm, ma’am, (pushes your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead), if has threatened to kill, then I wouldn’t take those threats lightly. He means it, and I’m certain he will try to do it. Oh, wait, he has! Ole dumbass!

So, you’re asking me if you should allow visitation to this man with your child. And, you’ve stated that you don’t feel comfortable being along with him. Hmmmmm, what do you think you should do?

Let’s revisit some things: This is the same man who does not claim your child, asked that his name be taken off the birth certificate so he won’t have to pay child support, has shoved you while you were pregnant, so, he’s physically abusive, and he’s done it in front of your other children, he’s kicked you and his child out of his home, snatched the diaper bag from you, and continues to humiliate and berate you? Do you really need for me to answer this dumb ass question for you?

See, this is what happens when you are d**kmatized! You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground. You put yourself in harmful situations that threaten your emotional, mental, and physical well-being, and yet, you have a child with someone who doesn’t, cannot, and will not ever treat you the way that you deserve. You will allow yourself to be misused and abused all for a man. A man you met in a few seconds of interaction and said to yourself, “I’m going to let him hit it because he’s cute, and I’m feeling him.” SMDH! You tricks are a hotmess.com!

“I Want To Follow My Dreams Of Becoming An Actress, But My Parents Think Otherwise”

I’m curious to know where is the father of your other two children? Are they actively involved in your children’s lives? And, why would you subject your children to another random man coming into your life, and he abuses you in front of them, and you’re still with him? What lessons do you think you are teaching your daughter? What do you think your son thinks of you? Don’t you know children repeat patterns that of their parents? So, when your daughter grows up and she meets men who abuses and mistreats her, then I want you to reflect on all the men, especially this bum ass dude, who you allowed to treat you any kind of way because you were d**k thirsty!

If the man doesn’t want to be involved with the child, and he doesn’t want his name on the birth certificate, then what more is there to discuss? He’s made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with the child, so therefore listen and observe everything he is saying, and not saying. Hell! Stop trying to appease him, and make him happy when he wants nothing to do with the child. He wants a convenient child. But, his ass didn’t want convenient punany when he was laying up with you.

Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat for this man. Stop being a bum chicken head running after someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Move on with your life! JEEZ!!! And, after reading your letter, and thoroughly cleaning it up, I suggest that you go back to school and get some education. There is nothing wrong with learning, and empowering yourself. Having an education will help you to create a life for you and your kids so that you won’t have to act like a dumb bird running after men, and this immature behavior.

Also, if you don’t feel safe having visitation with him alone, then ask the court to grant you supervised visitation. They do allow that. And, get him in his pockets since he doesn’t want to have his name on the birth certificate. You said you have his social security number, then take your ass down to the courthouse and file the child support papers. What are you waiting on? He is not going to change. STOP WAITING ON HIM TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE! He will never be that man. It’s time for you to grow up and stop acting like a little ass kid. You are a grown woman with three kids, and two different fathers. How do you think that looks? Yeah, it’s not cute. It’s not attractive. Stop being a dumping ground for random men to leave their semen. I do hope that you will start taking care of business, and stop letting this man treat you any kind of way. You create the terms, and you teach people how to treat you. So, if you don’t love yourself, and you think that you are a trick bag, then you will always find a man who will treat you as such. Get a life, please! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“I Was A Virgin, But He Kept Pressuring Me & Now I’m Pregnant”

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

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While it’s typically good for you to live in the moment and seize all opportunities, sometimes it’s bad for your health if you just continue ignoring your body’s pleas for rest and never take a break. How exactly do you do this if you constantly are worried about disappointing people? While I’ve already done an article called 5 Steps To Gracefully Canceling Plans, this isn’t about the “canceling” as much as the “thinking about yourself” and keeping your sanity. You can’t constantly be selfless and make people happy – sometimes you have to make YOURSELF happy and just say “no” once in a while.

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5 Ways To Keep Yourself Sane:

1. Make a point to turn down at least one activity a week. If it’s an overly busy week and there’s something you can cancel, do it. Make time for yourself for at least an hour a day. Even just giving yourself time to read or listen to music is a good use of de-stress time. Basically, anything that makes you feel relaxed is fair game.

2. Tell the family member/friend about your busy schedule and lack of breathing room. If they realize that you’re turning it down because you’re overwhelmed, they’re more likely to understand and be open to a rain-check. Obviously, you can’t turn down the same person too often if you want to keep their trust. If you find yourself turning down one particular person all of the time, ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I need “me-time” or is it because I just don’t really want to see them?” If it’s the latter, it’s best to gracefully stop contacting them and you both can move on to new contacts with no hard feelings.

3. I was happy to find that Oprah gives a very cohesive list of how to say “no” to anything and everything! Obviously, she’s the Queen of Talk, so I feel like her fifty-seven ideas are just something that must be read.

4. Keep your living situation as uncluttered as your schedule. A messy living quarters just makes it less easy to concentrate and you more likely to want to avoid being there. If everything’s clean, you can decompress and feel more comfortable with staying home, therefore, keeping yourself sane.

5. Don’t overestimate how much you can do. Knowing your limits with plans and how much you can handle is an important way to keep yourself from overdoing it. If you can feel comfortable saying “no” when it’s something that’s not immediately important, then you can prioritize better and realize what’s best for your life.

Basically, being yourself, knowing your limits, and being prepared to use your prioritizing power to plan your life is the best way to go. Only you can be the judge as to what you do in your life. Make the right decisions for YOU and stay sane – keep an open mind and know when to say “no” versus “yes we can!”

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By and large, men are fairly simple creatures. If you feed us, sleep with us and occasionally buy us a gadget, we’re yours. In return, a husband has to do certain things, a la the “honey do” list. It’s usually a list of chores or errands that wives either can’t or won’t do (it’s usually ‘won’t'). My personal “honey do” list includes washing the cars, taking out the garbage, washing dishes, vaccuming, feeding the dog, plowing the corn fields and anything involving manual labor.

Now, it’s not that we mind doing the work (normally), but why do we need a list? Are we that irresponsible that we wouldn’t otherwise get my stuff done? Do we need to be reminded every weekend of our chores before we can go out and play? And what happens if the cars don’t get washed or the bathroom isn’t painted? Will someone die? Will the house fall into disarray? No… But you will have one pissed-off partner on your hands, and you know what they say about a woman scorned. It’s five times worse when she sleeps right next to you.

So, I hope you all learned something from this post. And I will be back next week with more of my insights as a new husband… As long as I make sure that I first shingle the roof, unclog the bathroom sink, build a deck, mow my in-laws’ lawn, sweep under the fridge…

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How are we doing today Michelle?

 ”I just don’t think that you can fix our marriage Steven. I am so angry at him. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to talk to him. I just want him to go away. Of the three things that you laid out in order for me to grant forgiveness, he has only done one! That one is contacting you and I don’t know how much credit I can give him for that because he has contacted counselors before and nothing has ever changed. He has not shown me any remorse. He has not changed. He cannot recommit until he has changed.”

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He has taken full responsibility for all of the troubles in your marriage. That is the first step in my process of developing leadership within a man. I have talked to Scott a number of times since you and I last talked. If it is ok with you, I would like to invite him in right now . . .

“He is here?”

I knew it would be necessary for him to apologize to you in person so I asked him to come back and meet with us again today. Is that ok?

“I guess, if he is here.”

Come on in Scott. I have this list in front of me of 54 things that you have done wrong to your wife. Were you aware that she had this many problems with you?

Click here to read more about The Hudson Family.
–

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The Divorce Is Not An Option Project – Hudson Family – Week 5

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The Divorce Is Not An Option Project – Hudson Family – Week 1

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I read your blog, “I slept with him, now he is ignoring me.”

It was very interesting and you definitely know how to give good advice. I have been seeing somebody for 9 months now. We were together for 8 months when we had sex. I was a virgin, and believed in sex after marriage until he came in and changed it.

He was very pushy for sex throughout our relationship, and I decided to hold it back. So, we had a break-up on the 18th of March because I wouldn’t be a real girlfriend by sleeping with him, I guess, and that he was sexually frustrated. So, I told him, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be with me. I’ll let you go and I’ll move on.” I didn’t want to beg him like always to, “come back and I love him, etc.”

people talk about you like a dog and how you didn’t have enough seating and you ran out of food, etc.

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He was fed up with being needy. He texts me later on saying, “meet me tomorrow, we’ll talk this through.” And, I say “No, I have college tomorrow.” And, he says “last chance.” So, I got a little worried and I went to see him. So, we get to his house and he takes me into his bedroom. He starts taking my clothes off and he says, “I just want to lay down with you naked,” and I thought, “Oh, okay, at least he doesn’t want to screw me.” Then, it kind of went a bit sexual. He puts on a condom and does the deed. And, I lay there hoping that he’ll change from that day onwards, and that he’ll see that I love him.

Guess not. Two weeks later I realize I’m pregnant. My blood test confirms this. I let him know of this – at first he seemed okay – we were discussing what we were going to do. And, then a couple of weeks later he’s picking fights with me over stupid things, being cold, and being distant. I’m all alone and don’t know what to do. There are days where he disappears and doesn’t talk to me and I’m left feeling miserable and used. Any advice would be great. – Thought Sex Would Make Him Happy

Dear Ms. Thought Sex Would Make Him Happy,

Well, be prepared to care for this child alone. Be prepared to have an absentee father in your life. And, be prepared to go to court and get sole custody, and child support.

The hell is wrong with your dumb ass for going back on your morals and values!?!? If you didn’t want to have sex before marriage, then why change your mind? Is it because you thought he would change, and be the boyfriend you wanted him to be? Honey, sex doesn’t make a man commit to you. It only makes a man think he got something that no one else has. And, in your case, nearly every man wants a virgin. They want to be the first, because you always remember your first, but, your slow ass made a foolish mistake and now you’re pregnant. Yup, the saying is true – it only takes one time.

He clearly wasn’t expecting for you to become pregnant, and thus he’s thinking to himself, “What the hell did I do? I just “F’d” up my life.” And, not only is he not thinking about you, he’s not even concerned about his unborn child. He isn’t thinking of how this affects you. He’s not thinking of the next 18 years and how he has to take care of this child financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Yeah, this is a big deal and big responsibility, and clearly neither of you thought of the consequences.

Well, wake your asses up, and start coming up with a plan. You need to sit down with him and come up with visitation, support, and it’s obvious you two are not going to be a couple, if you already haven’t broken up, but you’ve got to consider how the child is going to be raised. Your life has officially changed, and now you two knuckleheads are going to be in each other’s live, FOREVER!!!

Please, please, please I do hope that you learned a lesson from this – do not ever jeopardize, or renege on your morals and values for ANYONE! Stay committed to yourself, and your commitment to your well-being. Regardless of how someone makes you feel, or tries to manipulate you into something you’re not comfortable doing, DO NOT GIVE IN. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

I hope that you are receiving pre-natal care, and taking care of your health. I also hope that you have a strong support system, i.e. family, friends, and relatives who will be there during the pregnancy, and after. Because your man is not interested in being a father, a dad, or boyfriend. He’s made it abundantly clear that he is not vested in you and the child’s life.

And, I strongly encourage you to go to court and get child support payments set up. Because as soon as the child is born your boyfriend is really going to show you his ass to kiss. He’s already bending over and telling you to look at it by disappearing and not talking to you, and picking fights with you over little things. Honey, he is looking for a way out. Don’t budge, and don’t let him make you feel guilty or bad. You’re pregnant. You’re not supposed to be stressed or worried. Don’t put the energy off on that child. Now, get yourself a backbone, and self-esteem and get ready to take his ass to court. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“He’s Married With 3 Kids, Getting Divorced & I’m Not Sure I Wanna Be With Him””

“He Won’t Leave Me Alone Despite Me Telling Him That I’m Not Interested In Him”

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Single Black Women Tired of Being a Spectacle

1. Women Do Not Always Have To Be Right: Sadly enough this cuts down like 50% of the ‘women’ over the age of 25. A woman while confident in her opinions and beliefs will willingly listen to and accept that others will not share the same opinion and be able to keep peace throughout the storm. A chickenhead will become verbally aggressive to get her point across, through and to the bitter death. Annnnd although she may know that she is right will let her partner feel as though he is because men are allowed to have one victory out of ten #womancode #menthankmelater
2. Women Refrain From Putting Others Down: Let’s face it we all do a little people bashing from time to time but a woman knows her limitations and frankly has more important matters to attend to. A chickenhead will spend an ample amount of time preaching from her holier than thou pulpit, until your ears ache.
3. Women Live Within Their Means: Men, many of the other women you dated may have demanded coach purses and toted around Louis this and Gucci that, but a woman with a firm grip on her personal finances would rather see her money grow then put on a show.
4. Women Have Hobbies and Are Active in Extra-curricular Activities: It’s not that chickenheads don’t have hobbies or extra-curricular activities; they usually just don’t involve things you can speak about with the family over dinner.
5. Women Take An Interest In Learning About Others: Although collecting model cars may not be her thing, she will do her best to learn about the activity in order to know more about you.
6. Women Do Not Accept The Victim Role: This is a tough one and relates back to #1. One of the most definitive factors between a girl and a woman is that a woman knows how to move on after tragedy. This means that she seeks out help, is willing to work through her issues and refuses to wallow in them.
7. Women Put Family First: A woman will sacrifice splurging on a brand new leather tee, Watch the Throne concert, and a day at the spa to have QT with her folks, or her children. She recognizes that men, an active nightlife and an all-inclusive vacation are things that flail in comparison to her loved ones.
8. Women Love Themselves: This is also a difficult concept to grasp because intangible but a woman who loves herself carries herself with the utmost respect and grace. She gives off an aura of confidence that is more contagious than it is pretentious or unattainable. People feel comfortable in her presence and want to be around her.
9. Women Know When To Say No: I’ll be real with you I got this from that Raheem Devaughan joint, ‘Woman’ but it’s so true. A woman recognizes when a man isn’t ready to love her the way she deserves to be loved and has the strength and dignity to tell you no. Her value system is so intact that she has no problem turning down a man’s pre-mature yet charming advances.
10. Women Willingly Sacrifice Appearance: This is a major one. With our society being so commercialized and superficial a woman who can sacrifice getting regular mani and pedis or going on shopping trips to make ends meet or to save up for that new house or all inclusive vacation has come into her own. It’s not that she isn’t materialistic, because she may very well love and deserve her regular pampering but she has the ability to see into the future and stick to a plan that requires discipline and love. Sacrifice is one of the key elements of love.

Theirs is not much in life that is guaranteed because it’s constantly evolving and we are constantly learning however, I came up with this list by observing the qualities of women who I admire and look up to. Sacrifice, be open to new experiences, and loving yourself is what separates the girls from the women. Like I mentioned before it’s impossible to have everything down pact, but that’s what makes life so exciting, the struggle, the victory and the growth.

Listen To This Dating To Marriage-Inspired Playlist!

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About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I recently got out of a two year relationship because the distance was causing a big problem (I’m in the Air Force and stationed away from home), along with the fact that I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused by my ex. Things got so bad between us I had two miscarriages and tried to take my life from an overdose. I was in the hospital for two weeks. I know that was stupid now that I look back on it so no need to say it, even though I know you will.

I’ve met a couple of men after this bad relationship and things were going smooth, but I found myself pushing them away when things were going good because I’m afraid to get hurt again. I mean I would start arguments over nothing. I guess I didn’t want to be the one to end things. I wanted the dirt on their hands. Hell, I can’t even bring myself to save a guy’s number in my phone. I feel like I’ve let my guard down if I even do that.

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I wasn’t dumb enough to jump back in a relationship after that bad one because I had to get back to loving me, and I’ve done that. I know to never let any man become the focal point of my life to where I feel like nothing without them. I’ve met someone new and things have been going good. We have been getting to know each other for about three months now and WE HAVE not slept together nor has he tried to. Now, my girls only tell me that he hasn’t tried because, “he’s getting it from somewhere else,” and “you’re only 21, why won’t you just have fun with people. Why do you want to be tied down?”

He has a lot going for him. He is in the military too and in school. He admires the things that no one else has ever noticed about me. He even says he knows I have my guard up, and I try to start arguments to push him away (I am working on stopping that, I swear!) and he says he doesn’t pay attention to me when I do that. He let’s it roll of his shoulders. I find myself doing it less and less. BUT, there’s a catch, he’s going through a divorce and has three kids. He has tried to introduce me to them but I declined. I don’t want to meet them if it’s not something serious. He always says things like, “I think you will be a good step-mom.”  I know that right there should have been my sign to run for the hills, but I don’t know if I should. Yes, he is technically someone else’s, but there is something there. I need help and some advice. Is this a recipe for another heartbreak or could I be staring my future in the eye?  UGH HELP ME!!!! – Is He The One

Is The Internet Ruining Our Minds? (VIDEO)

Dear Ms. Is He The One,

Chile, I swear you folks will say that after a tumultuous relationship of mental, physical, and emotional abuse that you will never go down that road again. You swear off any signs of danger when you meet new people, and you have your guard up so damn high, hell, Jesus can’t even see over the wall.

Yet, you’ve met some men after your bad relationship, but pushed them away because things were going too good and you didn’t want to get hurt again. Men who were potential mates and probably some good men, but because you think things are too good to be true, and eventually they will do something to harm you, thus, you end the relationship/courtship. However, you meet a man who has a lot going for him. He’s in the military and in school. He admires things about you that no one seemed to have noticed, and he though he knows you have your guard up he doesn’t let it affect him. That turns you on, doesn’t it? The thought of this man not being bothered by you and tantrums. SMDH!

But, lo and behold, there is a catch. He’s married, going through a divorce, and has three kids. And, you, the woman who has sworn off drama, stress, and heartache, is thinking to yourself that there is something there with this man because of what now? Please tell me what do you have in common with a married man? What do you have in common with a man who has three children?

You’re asking me if this is a recipe for another heartbreak, or could your future be staring you right in the eye. LBMAO! Yes, you’re right. Your future is staring you right in the eye. A future of more drama, stress, and heartache. WOMAN! You are repeating the same vicious cycle over again. You’re just replacing it with a married man. And, a married man with three kids at that.

Please get you some business, and leave this married man alone. He’s not for you. He’s not going to make you his wife, and the step-mother of his children. He is blowing smoke up your ass, and just like every other woman who has dated a married man who’s told them that they would leave their wives for them, IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! He is lying to you. Every word coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don’t fall for it, believe it, or listen to it. As a matter of fact, tell him to stop calling you and to leave you alone.

There is a lot of healing you need to continue focusing on. There is a lot of mending of your heart and soul and spirit. You are a broken woman who tried to commit suicide after your last relationship. There is something unstable about that, and you need to be in counseling. You need to be speaking with a certified specialist who can get to the root of your issues and problems and address it. I want you to know that your judgment is definitely impaired, because you think dating a married man with three kids is the man for you. HELLO!!!!! Do you hear it, and yourself? UGH!

You’re in the Air Force, please seek out a counselor and talk with them about your past relationship, and how to truly heal and mend yourself. Please be open and honest and let them know that you tried to commit suicide, because that is not normal. And, know this, if you’re not healed emotionally, mentally, and physically, then it’s impossible for you to bring someone into your life who can possibly love you because you don’t love yourself. Also, find yourself a church or spiritual home where you can connect with empowered, and enlightened folks who can be a source of inspiration. You need to be reconnected to a loving source. And, your friends telling you to get out, and date, and have fun, well, it may sound good in their intentions, but right now you should not be focused on dating. Your focus should be on you and reclaiming your life. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“He Won’t Leave Me Alone Despite Me Telling Him That I’m Not Interested In Him”

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Hello Michelle this is Steven James Dixon. Is this a good time to talk?

 “Yeah, sure.”

I am reviewing your list here and noticed that you have 54 items. Please hear me out when I say that having 54 complaints about your husband is too many complaints. Many of your complaints are extremely valid and are things that I will discuss in detail with your husband but some I feel are a bit nitpicky. (I say this in the most sensitive tone that I can.)

“He did those things to me. You can’t take that from me. They all hurt, I remember them all and I am not forgiving him for doing those things to me.”

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Click here to read more about The Hudson Family.

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