You tell your guy a ton, but it’s a myth that divulging every detail equals a healthier union. “Even though you’re part of a twosome, your relationship will thrive if you maintain a private side,” says Marti Olsen Laney, PsyD, coauthor of “The Introvert and Extrovert in Love.”

“Plus, some things might hurt your partner, so keeping them quiet prevents needless stress on your bond.” Top relationship experts agree on the five most important secrets to keep from your guy.

How You Spend Your Money
As long as you don’t share funds, your boyfriend doesn’t need to know where your dough goes. It stresses out guys to see you buy things they deem unnecessary — like clothes or shoes. The quick fix: When he compliments a dress, don’t give him the rundown on where you got it and how much it cost. And if he asks, tell him it was waaay less than the big-screen TV he splurged on.

The Way You Feel About His Family
Warning: Dissing his clan will do damage to your relationship. So even if his mom is Queen Bitch, keep your mouth shut. The minute you say something slightly negative, he will feel like you’re making him choose between you and them and resent you for it. If they’re truly awful, avoid being around them whenever you can.

Innocent Flirtations
You love your guy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t chat up other men. In fact, being flirty is healthy as long as it doesn’t go further. It may be tempting to brag that you still get male attention, especially if you feel your guy takes you for granted, but telling him about the neighbor who checks out your ass is just going to make him feel insecure. Keep quiet, and take pleasure in the fact that you’ve still got it going on.

READ THE REST HERE!

4 Ways To Think Like A Man In Your Relationship

Sexy Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

My point? At times in our happily ever after unions there will be things that the other half does or does not do that will make us feel uncomfortable. How do you break the ice and tell a man his personal hygiene needs to be upgraded or tell your lady that when she’s on top it feels more like dysfunctional bumper cars than a smooth ride in an Aston Martin?

I’ve had my share of uncomfortable conversations in and out of relationships, mainly due to the fact that I come from a retail management background. I was often put in situations where I had to tell folks a lot older than myself what the deal was. I have been cussed out and hated but I never had anybody lose respect for me, in the end apologies were given and the team continued on.

It’s impossible and ineffective for me to tell you word for word what to say, or promise that the outcome will be in your favor but believe me it’s better to be honest than to keep your concerns to yourself and go outside of the person and relationship to solve them.

Here are 5 tips to keep in mind when having a pineapples conversation in your relationship:

1. Use positive reinforcement: For every negative aspect of a relationship or person there is some banging positive stuff. I know this because you would not be reading this post, it’s easy to tell someone you dislike completely what time it is. Always begin a conversation my expressing the things you like or want that person to continue doing.
2. Use visuals: If it’s possible give a visual example. Either show the person how they can improve take them through the steps, work it out together, especially if its weight related. If it has to do with a sexual position or type of sex, hop on pornhub.com and knock two birds with one stone.
3. Be Specific: You cannot tell someone you are unhappy and expect to them to walk away from the conversation knowing how to please you. Give specific examples of what’s bothering you and how you think they can improve.
4. Fight or Flight: Be prepared for anything. Truth hurts, so your partner may be ready to fight you, they may disregard you because they are not trying to change or they may be ready to call it quits. But you know what? They may have been in the dark and will eventually appreciate your honesty.
5. Do not compare: When I had to give performance reviews one of the things we were cautioned against was comparing employees. You do not want to vomit on your partner’s self-esteem by comparing their faults to something your ex used to do better. PINEAPPLES! Keep that background information to yourself. Keep the conversation in the present as much as possible.

Bonus: He without sin cast the first stone; ask your partner if there are things you can improve on. Last I checked, communication is a two way street, to assume is to remain stagnant.

What is the most difficult pineapples conversation you had to have in relationship whether it was love, work or family related?

Are there any there tips you would add to the list?

Are there any you agree or disagree with?

Related Articles:

5 Important Things You Should Not Be Afraid To Talk To Your Mate About

Unhappy In Your Relationship? You Deserve Better!

Check Your Male!

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

Is Marriage For White People?

Check out this hotspot at your next Girls Night Out!

I remember this friend asking me abruptly, “why do you like him?” See I had spent so much time bitching about what I wanted to see happen that clearly was not happening that I forgot why I decided to mess with the boyfriend in the first place. Why do I like him? I took way too long to answer the damn question I’m sure she was about to call the ambulance, but I ended up replying with, “We have chemistry.”

My double mint bubble gum hair twirling answer caused me to rethink relationships up to that point in my obviously sheltered twenty something years of life. Chemistry, the funny feeling you get all over when you stare into each other’s eyes, the way he makes you laugh, the jokes you crack together, your synchronized routine on the dance floor, the vibration of the warm kisses he gives you, the finishing of sentences- Is that enough from keeping a sister from hangover central at Girl’s Night Out?

As wonderful as chemistry is, the truth is not everyone we have electrifying connection to, we are meant to be in a sustainable relationship with. I strongly believe that there are individuals in our lifetime that can cause a stir, good or bad in our life that may have us think that they MUST be forever yet the chemistry may be the only thing in sync.

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Ask anybody in a long term relationship, they will tell you that although there is an undying spark between them there may also be a set of shared and unshared values, diverse opinions, and the willingness to compromise and sacrifice. If one party feels the need to indulge in Girl’s Night Out while the other is unaware of the issues plaguing the peace then to put chemistry into the mix is irrelevant.

That’s my two cents, HB fam I need you to chime in…

What do you think, is chemistry all you need to sustain a relationship?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com

Following are some ways your significant other is unknowingly undermining your diet, and how you can balance that tipping scale from blackdoctor.org:

You Constantly Eat Out

When you’re single, you tend to prepare healthy foods at home. But once you’re in a relationship, it’s decadent dinner dates followed by caloric brunches. That’s bad news for your waistline: A recent analysis of 24 national chains revealed that the average entree at a sit-down restaurant contains 867 calories. And that doesn’t include apps, sides, and dessert.

The fix: Eat in. Instead, cook together. It can be intimate and food is very sensual, especially when you take turns tasting it. Plus, of course, you can control the fat and calories by using healthy recipes and ingredients that are low in fat. When you do dine out, eat a healthy snack that contains protein and fiber a few hours before your meal. Nonfat yogurt and a piece of fruit or a small bowl of cereal with low fat milk are smart choices.

7 “Bad” Foods That Are Secretly Good for You

You’re Constantly in Bed

Or on the couch. Or anywhere but the gym. Research shows that couples who live together for two or more years are less likely to be physically active, and the women are more likely to become obese. Relationships can be great and positive, but they can also affect your normal routine – You schedule more couple’s activities and have less time to yourself.

The fix: Get him involved. Women who exercise with a partner tend to lose more weight than those who sweat solo. Doing it together, makes it more likely for you to stick with it. So sign up together for a 5-K, go for a bike ride instead of watching a movie, or join the same gym. When you don’t feel like going, he’ll drag you there, and you’ll do the same for him.

READ MORE HERE

The Truth About Fitness Myths

In a respectful, loving way ask for what you want.
Make a clear, specific request about exactly what you want or need. Avoid criticisms and judgments such as, “You never do any housework! You’re lazy!” They’ll cause a man to feel either ashamed or angered, and neither result will help your cause.

Present the issue as a problem for which you need help.
But, remember: he is not the problem–getting the housework done is the problem. Allow your man to come up with options and make suggestions.

Leave room for new ideas and a full, honest conversation about housework and related issues.
Stay calm, be open and make yourself listen to him, even if you don’t agree with what he says.

GET THE REST HERE

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Moving In With Your Boyfriend: How Soon Is Too Soon?

For the first time ever, Telisha brings her blogtalk radio show, Menage A Talks to a live audience! Menage a Talks, a play on the phrase ménage a trois, presents an expert panel of three; “Battle of the Sexes” will be no different.

On the Guest Panel:

Angielala- theangielalaexperience.com

Lincoln Anthony Blades- thisisyourconscience.com

Slim Jackson- singleblackmale.org

For only $15 grab a bite to eat, mix and mingle with the hottest sex/relationship bloggers, and bring along your playful side.

Location: Nightingale Lounge

Address: 213 2nd Avenue, New York, NY 10003 (NW Corner of 13th St. & 2nd Ave.)

Time: Doors open 8pm (Entertainment by Social Tapestry)

Mix and Mingle from 9-10:30pm

Show Starts 10:30pm

Tickets Available for Purchase: menageatalksinnyc.eventbrite.com (Includes admission Hors d’oeuvres + Goody bag)

As you turn around fully you see a greasy face, perm wearing, cow hide fedora sporting, Bootsy Collins Funkadelic glasses donned, Jerome from “Martin” looking character in platform shoes and a silk wife beater. You are floored. And in your mind, the date has already ended before it even began. Okay, so maybe this isn’t your exact situation but you catch my drift, you’re on a bad date. Period. What do you do? Check out the 5 ways to kindly make your exit on that nightmare from hell:

5. Create a code red. Before even leaving to meet your date, call up one of your best girlfriends and come up with a plan. I call this plan, code red. Code red is a plan specifically devised as a safe exit out of any and every catastrophe. Here’s what you do: Call up your girl and inform her that if you call her and hang up at any point during the date, that is her cue to call you so you can walk away and act as if you absolutely have to take this call. On your way back to your table from taking “the call” amp up your urgency and politely act as if you are having a family/friend emergency and have to head out, let him know you’d love to do this again some other time and BOUNCE!-Side note: make sure your girlfriend is the last person you called so all you’ll have to do is hit send, let it ring a little and then end.

4. Suddenly get sick. Now, while this does require a tad bit of acting, it really is fairly easy to do. All you do is, excuse yourself to go to the ladies room and don’t return for about 15-20 minutes later. Return to the table with fresh beads of “sweat” on your forehead (which will really be water), when he asks if you’re okay tell him no, you’ve suddenly caught some kind of stomach virus and have to get going. Let her/him know you will call  later to reschedule after you’re feeling better and hit the road with no bridges broken.

3. Create a quick lie and exit. This is extremely simple and needs to happen the exact moment you realize he/she is not for you. The moment you realize this throw your little white lie into action. Exhibit A: “Omigosh! It’s __o’clock! I totally forgot I agreed to babysit my niece/nephew for my sister, I’m so sorry I have to go pick him up. We’ll have to do this again some other time. I’m so sorry, I’ll call you.” And that was all she wrote. Get in, get out, plan executed.

2. Turn him off. This plan involves you to get a little down and dirty, I have to warn you…you will have to do some things you most likely (hopefully) would never do in your everyday life. This plan involves you to do anything to turn him off which means if you have to gross him out, do that, if you have to lie and say you have 12 kids and 19 baby fathers (I know it doesn’t add up but again, were trying to turn him off so correct calculation isn’t exactly a factor), do that. This is a do or die situation, and it’s either kill or be killed. If he’s just that bad of a date and nothing will turn him off you may have to just come clean and tell the truth.

1. Be honest. Being honest is really simple, there’s no specific plans or codes to this one, it’s just telling the truth. Plain and simple. However, this is probably one of the most awkward ways as you possibly run the risk of being disrespect or burning a bridge or two.

To be frank, there really aren’t that many kind way to get out of a bad date. It’s a rough dating game out there and at the same time you don’t want to dismiss someone that you possibly could have a business relationship in the future with. I mean who knows what the future holds, so if you absolutely can’t politely exit a bad date, at least you know you tried.

Have you ever gone on a date from hell, if so how did you get out of it?

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“I Asked My Man If He Ever Had Sex With A Man & He Said ‘Not Unless I Was Tricked’”

The Mis-Education Of Dating

Follow me on twitter @arieinthecity and on facebook at Ariel Crockett!

Here are a few tips to help you achieve forward motion in the quest for a healthy measure of success and happiness in all areas of life:

• Get clear. How can you know what is expected of you if you are not clear about what exactly you are trying to achieve? In the workplace you must get clear direction from your superior. In your relationships you have to have an open dialog about what you are trying to gain collectively and what are you “bottom line” of needs. Likewise, if you are currently not in a relationship or on a job, you should get a blank journal book for each and begin to clearly define for yourself what you require to be happy and successful in your career and at home. Be specific in your wants, needs and desires so that you can begin to focus your energy toward those things and most certainly, when you believe that it is possible for you then you will begin to see opportunities open for you in the direction of your vision.
• Set forth your intentions. You cannot hit a target if you cannot see it.  Once you have become clear about what you want from your career and in your love life then you can start to visualize yourself in that space. If you have been unfulfilled in past relationships, with lovers and workplace it will be challenging get out of the cycle of being unfulfilled. Visualizing yourself as you would like to experience your relationships and successful career opens your mind on a subconscious level to the belief that obtaining these things is actually a possibility for YOU. Hitting your target is much easier if you can see what it is that you are aiming for, so set forth your intentions.
• Seek out necessary resources. When you stop learning you should be dead – I mean that literally. The time to learn is now and always. Read books, go to seminars, buy programs that will help you advance, attend retreats, talk to your mentors, have lunch with the CEO of your company and other successful people in life, and do whatever it takes to develop the necessary tools for obtaining massive success, abundance and overflowing love. No need to wait until the need arises to learn a new skill, by that time you are already behind the curve. Add the knowledge to your toolbox and when needed you will instinctively use what you already know.
• Push beyond your limitations. While comfort zones are comfortable, they are also limiting.  Sometimes we get caught in these comfort zones and mistake them for what is “meant to be” but you’ll find that if you are willing to push yourself out of this space you will likely be met with success and happiness beyond your imagination. If you’ve only ever dated one type of person then open yourself to others. African American women are notorious for this by exclusively dating within the race, but the love of her life may not be of her nationality and by limiting herself; she’ll never have the opportunity to find out. If you’ve only ever worked one type of job, it may be time to adapt your skill set and look into another. There’s the old adage that says if you do what you’ve always done then you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. That couldn’t be more truthful. Is it time for you to push beyond your limitations?
• Go above and beyond. Don’t be afraid to take on new challenges without being instructed to do so.  Take the initiative to do more than is expected of you. Since mediocrity is the norm your enthusiastic efforts to do more will be noticed and presumably rewarded. More importantly, you will begin to have higher standards for yourself which will undoubtedly set you apart from the rest. And as you know, top quality positions take top quality people to fill them; professionally and personally. If it is your intention to secure a worthy position in your career and love life, then it is up to you to standout from the crowd.
• Take action now. Procrastination can be your worst enemy. The most common reasons that people procrastinate is because they don’t know where/how to begin, it appears overwhelming, they haven’t obtained the proper resources and they are afraid of change. Rarely is it because they are lazy. Laziness is something completely different. There is no better time than now to take action toward achieving your own success and happiness. NOW is the right time to get clear, set forth your intentions, seek out the necessary resources, push beyond your limitations, and to go above and beyond. Are you not worth a successful career, a happy home and enjoying the love of your life? It is up to you to put your plan in motion.

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Shut Up & Listen! Your Relationship Deserves It

www.AngelTyree.com

www.ProtectYourRelationship.com

www.facebook.com/AngelTyreeJourney

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I sometimes wonder if I am crazy or not. I married a guy that I had known since 2002, and we dated in high school. Three years went by and we started dating again and decided to get married. We did not get married because I had found out that he lived with his ex and I had cheated on him when I moved in, and we stopped talking for almost a year.

In 2009 we decided to get married, and everything went downhill from there – girls calling my phone asking for him. Him sending naked pictures (which he denies to this day), and running up a 1400 minute phone bill in 3 days talking to his exes.

Because of my job I have a lot of guy friends and became really close with one. I eventually told my husband, and my friend and I stopped talking because of my marriage. At this point, he started going through my phone, e-mail (yahoo and hotmail), Myspace, Facebook, cancelled Black Planet.

I started to realize that he was very hypocritical. I took care of my stepson, paid $700 of his child support all the while he was talking to all of his exes (while I cut all men that he did not approve of out of my life).

Well, when we decided to get a divorce, a week later he had to get his hip replaced (broke it in a car accident, that he lied about). He was kicked out of the military and is now struggling financially. I should also add that at the time he only had to pay for a cell phone bill, but he stopped paying for it and I ended up with a $1000 phone bill. He continues to tell me that he can’t make me happy anymore and he understands that, but he wants our friendship from the past 9 years back.

I feel that I can’t put myself back in that situation again, and any feelings that I had for him either in a relationship or friendship is completely gone.  I’m not in high school anymore and I don’t want to have to deal with high school games and irresponsible men.

I am wondering if I am wrong to give up on my marriage or is this marriage just done for. – Young and Confused

“I Allow My Husband To Sleep With Other Women, But How Do I Explain It To My Friends”

Dear Ms. Young and Confused,

Girl, I’m the one who’s confused. What the hell is going on over there? It’s a hotmess.com, .org, and .net.

Why are you complaining about stepping up to the plate financially, emotionally, and mentally when you are his wife? That’s what you signed up for, isn’t it? Those are the wedding vows that you regurgitated when you were so eager and excited to get married to this man. And, why did you marry him knowing all the information you had about him? You’re the dumbass for knowingly marrying someone who you knew the truth about, yet you marched your silly ass down the aisle with that tan wedding dress. I know it wasn’t white! It better not had been.

But, let’s get some things straight. He was living with his ex, and he lied about it. He was sending naked pictures of himself to various women, and he lied about it. He broke his hip in a car accident, and he lied about it. Uhm, boo boo the fool, do you see a recurring theme here? Chile, I swear this summer heat is burning through those synthetic wigs and causing brain damage.

This is the gist of what I’m getting about your husband – HE IS A LIAR!

Why do you keep footing the bills if he is running them up? Wait a minute, I’m sorry, but is his cell phone in your name? Why am I even asking you this question, of course it is! Turn the motherf***er off! Or, how about getting him a plan where he can talk with unlimited minutes. You do know those plans exist? But, again, I would turn the motherf***er off myself. Let one of his exes, or whichever woman he’s talking with, buy him a phone and put him on her plan.

Chile, I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. If your husband is telling you that he cannot make you happy, then why are you still there? And, for the record, no one can make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself. The only thing another person can do is add to your happiness, and if they are not adding or contributing to your happiness then kick boots and get them out of your life. Your husband obviously wants out of the marriage. I can tell by his tone, and what he’s saying to you. Your husband is not in love with you. He does not want to be married to you. So, let him go, move on, and get your life in order.

Honey, I’m so overyou.com. If you’re talking about a divorce, then rush to get it done. Stop contemplating or wondering if you should do it. DO IT!!! And, he is asking for your friendship of the past 9 years back. Girl, where is that Rhianna song, Man Down. It’s about to be a situation.  I tell you what, calculate all the time, energy, money, and sex you gave him and ask him to give that back to you! He owes you damn it! He got a lot of nerve, but then again, you have been bending over backwards trying to please him. So, how about you bend forward and please you! BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!

Scenario #1: Weekend With Your Boyfriend’s Family.

You are going home with your boyfriend for the weekend to meet his family. All weekend long you are nuzzled up under your boyfriend doing whatever he does and watching whatever he watches on TV. He watches football all day long on Saturday. You don’t even like football but you stay right in the family room with your Boo. Meanwhile, his Mom, granny, his sister, his aunt and his niece are preparing the big holiday dinner in kitchen. You don’t go in the kitchen. You are too busy loving on your man. You feel that you have to show his family how much you love him so you continue hanging out with him, his brother, his dad, his uncle, his best friend, his frat brother and his cousin. 

The holiday weekend is not a time to try and show how good a girlfriend you are to him. It’s a time to show how good a woman you are to them. This is your tryout. It is time to work. Get focused! What would your mother do!?! Better yet, what would your grandmother do!?! Time to close the deal. Time to impress. Put your best foot forward. They are not trying to get to know you, you are supposed to be getting to know them! You want to be a part of their world, so you have to get in where you fit in. The first route to a man’s heart is through his stomach. The second route is through his family. If you fail this test, your weekend could end like this:

As you are driving home Monday morning, you are telling your boyfriend how great his family is and you ask him if they said anything about you. He says, “My Dad thinks you are lazy. He said that I need to find someone more like my mother. My mother said that you don’t add any value to my life. My granny asked me if you could cook. My sister, aunt and niece asked if you had arthritis or something because you never helped in the kitchen. Say, do you think you can walk from here?”

WARNING: This section of the article is for Official Facebook declared girlfriends ONLY!

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1. Picnics. Although cliche, you can’t deny the romance of your guy/girl taking you to a nice secluded park, laying out a blanket on the lawn, pulling a neatly packed lunch out of a picnic basket and feeding you little sandwiches with the crust cut off.

2. Ice Cream Shop. No season is perfect, so summer is no exception. There are sure to be days that are so hot the only date you want to go on is with the deep freezer, but taking your partner on a date to an ice cream shop is a way to beat the heat for a little while. It’s a simple and inexpensive idea without coming off as too cheap, your girl is sure to give you some brownie points for trying to keep her cool.

3. The Beach. This is both simple and sexy as you both get to play up your best assets in your bathing suits while laying out in the sun, playing in the water together and pinching pennies at the same time. If you haven’t already done so, now would be a great time to start hitting the gym to ensure you keep your partner’s attention while on the beach.

4. The Fair. I know, I know, another cliche, but also very fun, simple and a great place to create memories. This event however comes with an exception, and that exception is the food. Fair food can cost just as much as food sold at the concession stands in the movie theaters, so it would most likely be best to eat prior to attending the fair.

5. Free Concerts. Who doesn’t love music? Music can be one of the biggest similarities amongst couples and what better way to reconnect than to become lost in your own little world with your honey and reminisce about the time you first established your “song” by listening to your all-time favorite artist do a live performance of it!

6. Take A Walk Together. This is great because you can go as you are, no need to put on any fancy clothes and get all dressed up. Put on some shorts and a tank top and go walking with your partner, this is your opportunity to spark up conversation. With all the new funky technologies a lot of times something so simple as talking to your partner can get lost. Talk about something that’s been heavy on your mind, ask questions you never knew the answer to and just get to know your partner. The best way to enforce this is by leaving your phones at the house, this is your quality time with your man/woman so take advantage of it. This can work for first dates just as good as it works for married couples. Not to mention, it’s great exercise. Can’t beat that.

7. Go To A Karaoke Spot. One of the most important things to do in a relationship is to HAVE FUN. Be goofy, kill the serious attitude, and just chillax. Unwind and go to a karaoke bar and sing silly funkadelic 70′s songs together. Make great memories so that when things get a little rough you can look back at them and smile and remember why it is you love that person so much.

8. Wash The Car Together. Okay so maybe this sounds more like a chore than a date, but a date is only going to be what you make it. As I’ve said before have fun, turn on some music and have your own sexy little wet t-shirt contest with your partner.  Battle it out and see which half of the car looks cleaner. Hey, it sounds silly but be creative. Nobody wants a boring relationship.

9. Window Shop. Now ladies, this may sound silly to you BUT this is your chance to point out whatever it is you’ve been eyeing for the last couple of weeks but have not been able to get. Men, take mental notes and pay very close attention. Every detail is important from size, color, brand and price. Yes, this may seem like a task and I also advise you do this ONLY with the woman you love and not just the one you want to (channels Tommy Strong from the “Martin”) “get the drawz” from. I do this a lot with my man. If you don’t have any money, just do with him/her what you’d do if you were by yourself and window shop. Hit the strip mall and just absorb everything in. And ladies, this isn’t only the time for men to take mental notes. Make it mutual, he deserves gifts too so when he lights up when he sees those dark denim LRG jeans he’s been trying to get for a while, make note of it.

Relationships and dating can be tiring but it will only be what you make of it. Therefore have fun with your partner, take advantage of the summer season, spend time with your honey and soak up the sun on a budget!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met my boyfriend of a year almost two years ago. For the first year we knew each other it was not serious. I wanted more and he was fighting a relationship for a long time. He was not ready to be in a relationship and was not ready to settle down at that time. As we got closer and more serious, we had the discussion about not sleeping with other people, prior to actually becoming “official.” Once we were official and he was ready to commit to me things were wonderful, and I had no doubt that I was going to marry him.

I recently found out that he was sleeping with other girls prior to us becoming official, not long before though. One of which was just a one time thing, and one was a girl he went to college with that he had a history with, she was also married. He claims he never cheated once we became official, but it was after we had the talk about not sleeping with other people. He lied about this particular female throughout our entire relationship because I had questioned why she texted him if she was married and he claimed they never slept together. They no longer speak, he has completely cut her off but finding this out has been completely devastating to me.

It’s two-fold. First the betrayal, I have no way of knowing the technicalities, if he truly did cheat when we were “official” or if he cut it off before that but he did continue texting her a few months into us becoming official because we would fight about it. Either way he betrayed my trust and lied to me about it for months and months about never sleeping with her. Second, he has always claimed marriage is very sacred to him. Not just a comment here or there, we have had many serious conversations about marriage and he states that he hates how nobody respects marriage anymore and marriage should be taken seriously…yet here he was having an affair.

Apparently this was a girl he slept with years before throughout her whole relationship and it just never stopped when she got married. It just makes me wonder if his values and morals are really what he claims them to be if he’s willing to sleep with a married woman and this makes me questions if he’s the type of man I want to marry. I know she would text him after we got together and try to see him but he would never do it…as far as I know but I never knew about the times he saw her before we were official either.

I’m not quite sure where to go from here, like I said since we’ve been together and gotten closer and he’s gotten to the point where his heart and mind were truly ready to be committed to me things have been wonderful. It’s just knowing that betrayal and his lack of morals that I can’t get out of my head. And if he can lie to my face about something like that what else can he lie about?

He told me he never slept with her and used her being married as an excuse for it not to bother me while he was sleeping with her the whole time. We obviously weren’t as close as a year ago as we are now but I would have had no idea that he ever saw her. I’ve lost a lot of trust, I’ve lost a lot of respect and I don’t know if I’m working on something worth it or if I’m settling for someone who possibly cheated on me with a married woman.

To him it’s something that was over a long time ago but to me it’s new since I’m just finding out. Since finding out it’s been in my head everyday, I just don’t really know where to go from here. I love him very much and never finding this out I think I would be blissfully happy moving towards marriage as we speak. I’m not sure now if I should move forward or move on. – I Don’t Trust Him

“I Have A Secret Addiction And My Husband Doesn’t Know”

Dear Ms. I Don’t Trust Him,

Uhm, and the wretchedness continues.

Why the hell would you remain in a relationship with a man you don’t trust? Someone please, please, please dear Lawd tell me why?

Like I say all the damn time, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first damn time.” He has shown you his true colors. He has shown you who he is.

Singer Lauryn Hill has a line in one of her songs and it goes, “Every day people lie to God, what makes you think they won’t lie to you.” Believe it, live by it, and don’t stray from it.

He has no morals or values. He is a boldfaced liar, and he is sleeping with a married woman, yet he claims he holds up the sanctity of marriage. Get the “F” out of here with that bull-ish. If he was so morally conscious and full of values then he wouldn’t have been sleeping with a married woman, and I don’t care how long they have been having sex prior to her getting married.

Girl, stay in the relationship if you want, but do know this, he will cheat again. He will lie to you, again. And, if you get married, he will sleep with another woman, and of course she will be a single woman, and he’ll tell you some cocka-mamie story like, “She isn’t married. So, it’s not really cheating.” LMBAO!

Why, oh why, do you women say, “I don’t know where to go from here?” after you’ve discovered your man lying to you, betraying your trust, and cheating with another woman? Look at your question, and my statement following, and then you tell me how absurd you sound. The hell you mean, “I don’t know where to go from here?” How about to Stupidville!

Look, Ms. I Don’t Trust Him, you don’t have a relationship. You are dating a man who is buying his time with you until he finds another naïve woman to rest his loins in, and then, like you, she will buy into his lies and drama and bull-ish about his views and opinions on marriage, and she’ll be hopeful and wishful that he will marry her because she can change him. Just like you’re doing now. No relationship can sustain or last if there is no trust. Like you said, “It’s been in my head every day.” Uhm, hmmmm, if it’s in your head every day, then guess what, you’re not happy, peaceful, or secure in your relationship. Now, you tell me is this a good place to be in your relationship after a year? I’ll wait while you contemplate that question. I know it’s going to take you a minute. But, while you’re thinking about that, if you have to ask the question if you think you should move on or move forward with him, then guess what boo boo, you don’t love him. Love doesn’t question or doubt. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have been single for almost 3 years and I believe I finally met a guy who is worth my time and energy. He recently moved to Atlanta (where I live) and we have been getting along great! We have a tad bit of history because I knew him when I lived in Ohio. In fact, I went to school with his sister and he went to school with my brother. Things sound like they are all peachy, but they are not!

The problem is, he told me a couple of days ago that his ex-girlfriend lives down here. Now, I am not the jealous type so I was ok with that. Then yesterday, he says that Sunday is like his family day! I asked him what he meant and he said that he goes over to her house and spends time with her son while she does his laundry and cooks him dinner. I did not know what to say to him after that! He doesn’t even call her his ex, he still refers to her as “MY GIRL!” I honestly do not know what to do about this situation! I like him, but I don’t want to have to share him with an EX and a child that is not his!!! Please help me! – Trying To Be Understanding

“The Married Man I Work With Wants To Hook Up, Should I Tell His Wife?”

Dear Ms. Trying To Be Understanding,

I officially quit this –ish! Your letter is the reason why I don’t fool with y’all so damn early, and especially filling up my inbox with these nonsense letters about some man who you think you’re seeing and he tells you he spends family day with his ex and her child. And, he refers to her as his girl. (Blank stare **) Spin the wheel and buy a F-ing clue!

Is he really worth your time and energy? Really, sweetie? Come on now, you’re not serious are you? I swear there must be a farm where they raise women like you without a brain and no sense. Oh, yeah, Perdue farms!

Girl, he is not your man, not worth your time, and clearly not worth your energy. I mean, really, Ms. Thang, it’s a coincidence that his ex-girlfriend lives in Atlanta. SHOCKING! (Gasps as I put my hand over my mouth. Then the Blank stare **) He’s clearly pulled the wool over your eyes, well it’s that blond weave with purple highlights that’s preventing you from seeing what’s so obvious. Let me clear my throat and say this loudly for you – HE MOVED TO ATLANTA TO BE WITH HIS EX. Yes, do-do brains! In order to reconcile or rekindle whatever love they had, he made it his business to track her down, move to Atlanta, and continue playing house, with you as the side piece concubine until he’s back with his ex. WAKE UP and stop being desperate for a man. Chile, I can smell that cheap perfume you’re wearing and it’s wreaking through the computer – it’s eau de toilet con desperation/weak/needy/dumb. Any man within a 100-mile radius can smell it.

Look, Ms. Trying To Be Understanding, this man is not for you. He will never be for you. He is still caught up and hung up on his ex. You need to find a man who is single, without any attachments to an ex, or searching for an ex, and looking to reconnect with an ex. Find an available man who wants to be with you. Because Ms. Honey, honey, honey, I’m going to break this down for you and be done. The man goes to her house every Sunday for family day. That’s clue number 1 that he’s not your man. He spends time with her son that is not his. That’s clue number 2 that he’s not your man. Then, she does his laundry and cooks him dinner. That’s clue number 3 that he’s not your man. And, to top it off, he still refers to her as “My Girl!” You really need to go back to that Perdue farm and get a do-over. I’m done! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Would you continue dating someone who spent “Family Day” with an ex?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Here are a few from shine.com:

Eye Contact

Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin did a study that determined that people in love look at each other 75 percent of the time, while those who are not in love only look at each other 30 to 60 percent of the time. They are also slower to look away when something or someone distracts them.

His Plans

If a guy is in love with you, he’s planning a future that includes you. Pay attention to what he says about his dreams five or 10 years from now and see how often those dreams include you. For example, he may talk about buying a house together or going on vacation with you.

Empathy

He may be showing more empathy toward your feelings, such as picking up on it when you’re feeling sad, nervous or excited. You may also see that he starts to exhibit the same feelings as you, sharing in your emotions.

Trust

A guy who is in love will trust you. He may tell you a secret that his best friend told him not to tell or he may allow you to answer the phone at his home.

Related Links:

7 Sexy Valentine’s Day Gifts For Him

4 Ways To Put Passion Back Into Your Relationship

Here’s an excerpt from an article where she discusses Jay and Beyonce’s  first time working together on a live performance, and how their love for each other was so obvious and powerful that everyone around them could see:

During the BET Awards in 2003 I witnessed the makings of a real relationship between two overly focused individuals willing to sacrifice and make time for each other in the midst of accomplishing their personalized greatness. I was the personal assistant to Beyonce while she prepared for the debut of her new single Deja Vu. I can recall having the song on repeat throughout the duration of my flight from Chicago to LA and feeling captivated by the 808′s and horns. There was something about the song that made me feel as if I were being transported to another place all in the name of love. Like most people, I soon realized that the passion hidden behind Beyonce’s vocals was fueled by her devotion and love for none other than Jay Z.

I sat there in amazement as I watched Beyonce go over every step as if her life depended on it. I’d heard all the stories and rumors that she was evil and possibly the daughter of Satan but none of that surfaced. A prime example of her down-to-earth-ness was displayed when she happened to be thirsty and it was my job to get her some water but she chose to go with me in order to ease her mind. She was sweet and reminded me of that home girl we all have that no matter what she just wants to laugh at the end of the day.

READ THE REST AT THE YBF.COM

Obamas, Bey & Jay, Nicole & Boris, Lala & Carmelo Make Ebony’s “2011 Hot Couples” List [PHOTOS]

Jay-Z & Beyonce Perform In Vegas For NYE [VIDEO]

Beyonce Joins Jay-Z During His Tour Down Under [PHOTOS]

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Please bare with me. My story is quite long for there is a lot to tell so I can get the best advice.

There is this guy (“E”), of course, whom I have had a crush on since I was 15, I am now 24.  It’s always just been a crush for “E” is my older brother’s best friend.  But he isn’t like my brother’s other friends. He never fell into the big brother role with me as the others did.  He was from a different town and I hadn’t known him for as long as the others, but it was still forbidden territory.

I’m the little sister to most and I use to kick it with all of them all the time.  Last summer I ran into “E” at an outdoor music concert, it was the first time I had seen him in over 4 years and we danced and sang and had a really good time. Because of my slight infatuation with him, I knew this was my chance to, “get ‘er done,” as some may call it. I brought “E” home and the next morning we agreed not to tell anyone, because word travels fast in this town and we didn’t want my brother to find out. Now that I lived in the same town as my brother and “E” I started to see them very frequently, and he and I never mentioned what had happened.

After the incident last summer, about 2 weeks, there was this guy (“M”) who became friends with benefits, which I wanted because I didn’t want any emotional attachment to anyone. I needed to find just one guy to sleep with instead of many. Ha! Anyways, “M” started to get too close so the only thing I knew to do was blurt out I had slept with “E” (“M’s” distant friend as well). I knew that would throw “M” for a loop and become distant with me so I had to.

You may be thinking, dang what a head game, and it was. It was all a head game with “M” and I.  Well, word got around to my brother and nothing really came out of it. He seemed a little disappointed at first, but “E” is a fighter and most people are afraid of him. So, I knew that my brother couldn’t freak out. Okay, so “E” leaves for Arizona for 4 months and I don’t talk to him, hear from him, or nothing, which is fine because we never established a friendship outside of my brother.  (Quick side note, my brother and “E” don’t hang out much anymore because my brother is into meth and “E” isn’t, so there is a strain on their friendship).

Unknown of “E’s” return, another friend of my brother’s calls me and asks me to chill with him. Well, he was at “E’s” house.  WOOT! I get to see my crush. So, I skedaddle over there and “E” is bombed. Starts arguing with his dad and his brothers and didn’t even notice I was there. When I left I said goodbye to him and he instantly calmed down and was hugging me and kissing my cheek which has never happened before, but I blamed it on the alcohol. Not even 10 minutes later he called my cell phone and we talk for 3 hours straight. We talked about everything under the sun. Within that conversation he told me he wanted to get to know me better so we agreed on that, but it was never said that we wanted a relationship or anything. We hung out the following weekend and everything was going great. His dad cooked me supper and we hung out most of the day and all night. (Yes, he still lives with his parents. LOL! It’s not an odd thing around here.)

We didn’t hook up or anything, but we did make out.  After the weekend was over I was texting him about some random things and he straight up told me his heart wasn’t in it. Totally threw me for a loop after everything that previous weekend.  He used the excuse of my brother and said he still wanted to kick it with me and party. UGH! I couldn’t believe it. I felt as though I pushed him away by getting to know him and texting him. So, I said cool, no hard feelings and what not.

Throughout the week I would randomly text him just to see what he was up to and if he wanted to hang out. He would never give me a straight up answer. Since we have mutual friends I saw him a few times here and there and I brought him home again and we had sex. That was ultimately my goal, to see if he would have sex with me again. Is that horrible or what?

We then agreed not to mention it AGAIN as if we were hiding something, but everyone already knew.  So, I asked him to chill one day and he said we’ll see which has always happened and I said ‘okay. It was a long shot anyways’. He seemed a little thrown backwards from that and asked me what that meant.  I explained to him that I didn’t like him giving me the run around and if he didn’t want to be my friend then to just say that. His reply was ‘ok’ I mean how do I read that? I can’t. So I just took it as is and now we are on yesterday. I was with some friends, shot him a text asking him what he was doing and he invited us all over. Which was crazy! I don’t’ know if he did it because I called him out, or he did it cuz’ he wanted to hang out with me. No one else wanted to go so I went by myself. I couldn’t stay long because I work at 8 in the morning, so I left at like 11 and as I was leaving Eric left to go look for his dog. While getting into our cars I said to him that I had some words for him. He then of course tried calling and I didn’t want to explain my feelings or try to get out of him what I wanted over the phone so I manipulated him over to my house.

While over there, I told him he needs to learn how to communicate better, and that I felt like he was pushing me away. I wanted to know what he really thought of me and explained that I just wanted to be his friend.  Still NO ANSWERS.  So I started getting frustrated and started to use psychiatry on him. I told him that I felt that he was scared to get hurt and that I thought he was threatened by me because he knows I’m a good person and I am on to his games. He did however tell me that he wouldn’t have slept with me if he didn’t have feelings for.  I don’t know if that is REALLY the case in this situation or not.  But, I do know he doesn’t go around sleeping with chicks. He’s always with his buddies and when there is a chick around it’s usually me.

Okay, so after trying to figure him out by communicating and getting nowhere I give him a back rub (a nice sweet backrub), and when I finished I was like my turn! Well, his friends were looking for him because he had left without saying anything and they texted me and when I told “E” that they were looking for him he just got up and bolted out the door.  Didn’t say bye, didn’t say thanks. Nothing! Who the hell does that? I mean seriously, it really pissed me off. It’s like he used that as an excuse to leave, but he could have left better. I don’t get this guy and his intentions period. Is he just scared?

So, I tried calling him after he left and I shot him a text telling him I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and that he was an asshole. End of story. Now I don’t know what to do. He’s an asshole right? He’s not interested right? Is he doing it because I am like forbidden territory and its fun? I need your advice. I already know you will tell me to leave and forget about him and that he’s not worth it. But, I want to know what HE is thinking not what I should do. – Caught Up

“I’m In School, Working, And Raising My Family, But I’m Lonely And Want To Be With A Man”

Dear Caught Up,

Let’s make one thing clear. NO MORE LONG ASS LETTERS! I don’t have time for this ish. Chile, you need some serious therapy. No, really, you do!

You’re asking for my advice on a situation you already answered in your own damn letter. But, I will rehash it for you. No, he’s not interested. Yes, you are forbidden territory and its fun. He’s banging his friend’s sister. And, no he is not scared to be in a relationship with you. He just plain and simple doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

You stated that he doesn’t go around sleeping with other chicks. How do you know that? Because you don’t see other females when you are around? Well, what about when you are not around. Do you really think he is sitting at home playing with himself and twiddling his thumbs? He may be spending time with his boys and hanging out, but trust, there are some other girls sniffing around just like you did. And, that whole little game of, “You don’t say anything, and I won’t say anything.” Well, sweetie, guess how many other girls in your small ass town are playing that same game with him?

And, the many games you’re playing is ridiculous. I’m surprised no one has knocked you upside your head. As I was reading the letter I was like she can’t be 24. She’s got to be 10, 12, or 14. Why are you trying to play doctor with this man, trying to use psychology, when it’s you who needs the real therapy. Stop playing games, because truthfully and honestly, he can see through your games. I love when folks like yourself think they are getting one over on the other person, and clearly my dear, folks can see through your games.

Look, Ms. Caught Up, I strongly, and I mean, STRONGLY, urge you to buy my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I’m certain you will be able to relate and learn a lot from the many stories in it. Besides, I’m not going to spend all my time psychoanalyzing your situation and then you go back to doing the dumb ish you’ve been doing all this time. You said you explained to him that you didn’t like him giving you the run around and if he didn’t want to be your friend then to just say that. His reply was, “Ok.” Basically he was telling you that he didn’t want to be with you. He was agreeing with everything you said to him. True, he’s not being forthcoming in his feelings, but that’s because he probably doesn’t have any for you. He may only see you as a side piece, or some chick he can screw whenever. He doesn’t want to piss you off, because no man is going to let any of his available pieces get away. Have you noticed that you’re always inviting him over to your house? You’re the one doing all the calling and setting up the dates? He doesn’t even call you. He doesn’t invite you over or treat you like he’s remotely interested. But, I’m sure when it’s sex involved he drops everything and is there for you. GIRL, STOP BEING NAÏVE AND GROW UP! This man is not the one for you. Let him go. You had your fun with him. You got what you wanted, which is the sex, but other than that, it’s going to go nowhere, no further than Arizona, and that small ass town you live in. Give me a break! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a best friend who is currently in a relationship with an older man with children, one who is two years older than her. I have been deciding on whether or not I should just come out and tell her that I absolutely hate their relationship and that she should just leave him alone. Now most people would agree that it’s not my business to tell my friend who she can and can’t date but me and my friend are only eighteen years old and we just graduated from high school a couple of months ago together. From the things she has told me about this man I know that he is almost forty years old. He lives with his mother, has a minimum wage job, and buys and uses illegal drugs including meth and cocaine. She even told me he got her to try it once! Hearing this I was outraged and I immediately wanted to tell her to break up with him, but my friend is an extreme drama queen and she would have gotten upset to the point where it would’ve ruined our friendship.

To tell you about my friend, she is very foolish when it comes to men. She is lonely in her heart and used to constantly hook up and have sex with men she barely even knew only to form a week long relationship, break up with the guy, and start it all over again with someone else. I used to be able to keep her on track but I’m away at college in another city now and my priorities are with school and getting my degree, so I only get to see her on holiday breaks. My friend is not in college and has quit her current job because her new man said that he would “take care of her.”

From the way she talks about him she sounds like she has fallen in love and it’s starting to get serious. I can’t shake the feeling that this man is a player and is going to leave her for the next young girl that comes along and break her heart. I feel my friend has so much potential and is throwing her life away by being with this older guy. Please tell me what I should do because we have been friends since middle school and I love her like a sister and I don’t want to lose our friendship over the relationship she has with this man. Should I hold my tongue or should I tell her how I feel? And if I do tell her, how do I go about it?-Frustrated With My BFF

“If I Came Clean About My Indiscretions To My Wife, Why Won’t She?”

Dear Frustrated With My BFF,

Girl, I know exactly how you feel. We all have good friends we’ve grown up with, and they are like family to us, yet they do some dumb -ish that leave us scratching our heads. I know, sweetie, trust me I do. But, I do know one thing for sure, mind your business and leave other folks business alone!

Even though you love her, and you feel she may be in a dysfunctional relationship where she is being duped, manipulated, and deceived, but, Ms. Honey, there is nothing you can do about it. Because the more you try to convince her she is in an unhealthy relationship, and the man is no good for her, she will not see what you see. She is in “love.” And, she may think you are jealous, and envious of her.

Oh, yes, honey, I know the scenario. She is going to tell you that you don’t know him like she does. He is trying to be a better man. He’s different and you just got to get to know him. Honey, trust me, I know all the denial symptoms and the impact of what being in “love” with someone who is no good can do to someone.

Unfortunately, the more you speak out against her man, it will only reinforce her love for him. It will push her further into his arms. No matter what you say, she can’t hear you because she is caught up in him. How she views the relationship is different than you, and vice-versa. She is looking at the relationship from an insider’s perspective. She will see you, my darling, as an outsider butting in.

You’ve got to understand that she is young. She is going to make mistakes, and she has to learn, hopefully, from her mistakes. It seems you’ve been a positive reinforcement in her life. She sees what you’re doing, and it is impacting her life. She may not say anything to you, but know that people watch what you do, not what you say. And, I know it hurts you to see her in this situation, but it’s her life. She has to live it on her own terms. You can’t baby her and hold her hand. Hopefully she will grow and see the relationship, and her man, as you do. But until then, hold your tongue.

If you say something to her, don’t do it with a judging or opinionated tone. Don’t make him out to be the bad guy. Don’t make her wrong for her decisions. You’ve got to approach her lovingly and with love. If she is picking wrong men, and doing things destructively it may be a cry for help and attention. She may need some professional help that you can’t offer her. There may be some deeper issues underneath her behaviors. So, recommend some professional therapy and counseling. And, offer to go with her. Be a support system, not a nagging and overbearing motherly authority. She may resent it, and you.

So, Ms. Frustrated With My BFF, I strongly suggest you focus on school and doing what is good for you. Don’t get caught up with others and their lives, even if it is your BFF. Because I do know this, once you open your mouth and give your opinion, or share your dislike about him and the relationship, you will be seen as the enemy. She will run back and tell her boyfriend what you said, and it will cause a riff in your friendship because even though her loyalty is with you, her love is with him. And, you should check out my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. There is a chapter in it called, Friend or Foe? Recognize Your Frenemies – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

“He Says He Wants To Be With Me, But He Keeps Going To The Other Woman’s House”

So, I need your support, love, and sharing of this book with all your friends, family, co-workers, colleagues, and anyone else you feel may benefit from the book. Just like my column the book is filled with wit, sass, humor, spirituality, and love. The book is in stores everywhere and you can also order from Amazon, HERE!

Here is a description of the book, as well as a Q&A I did.

Terrance Dean

In today’s society every woman needs a gay best friend—someone who gives it to her straight about life, clothes, sex, and relationships. From the inner city to suburbia, every woman should have a gay best friend.

Terrance Dean can be your new gay best friend. In his new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 12, 2010; $15) Dean gives women terrific insights and advice on some of life’s most challenging issues—family, friends, career, love, sex, and intimate relationships. Dean offers direct and to-the-point perspectives, mixed with a little sass, wit, humor, forwardness, and spirituality, as only a gay man can do.

Dean also dedicates a chapter to the most controversial topic in the black community—down-low gay men. He writes, “I am often asked by women, ‘How can I tell if my man is on the down low?’ Or, ‘What are some signs I need to look out for so I do not end up in a relationship with a down-low man?’ This chapter will help women identify if the man they are in a relationship with or considering dating may be on the down low.”

This book will help women discover the power they need for a life of abundant success, prosperity, and happiness with loving relationships. It dispenses practical advice and tips on creating healthy relationships with themselves and any man they desire. And it’s all done from a place of love.

HB: Is the gay best friend here to stay or is it a passing societal whim?

TD: The gay best friend is here to stay. We’ve always been around. It’s just that now we are getting more recognition and visibility thanks in part to television programs, movies, and the internet. People will be amazed at the number of women who rely on their gay best friends for advice about everything, from relationships and fashion to dealing with their family members.

HB: What does the gay best friend have to offer a woman that her girlfriends don’t?

TD: First and foremost, we are men. We know men. We know how we act, and what we will do in various situations. We’re the best ally for a woman who needs advice on her relationships and love life. Trust me, we are not going to steer women wrong. We can also be that go-to person for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and the straight truth about everything. We’re not in competition with our good girlfriends, nor do we have an ulterior motive. We are not trying to sleep with our girlfriends, and we certainly won’t borrow your best fashions and not return them.

HB: What do you hope your readers will walk away with from this book?

TD: I hope readers will walk away with a sense of empowerment and inspiration. Women are naturally powerful, fabulous, and intelligent. In my book, I only reinforce what they already know, and remind them of who they are. Sometimes we forget who we are and what we are here to do, especially when it comes to dealing with other people. My book is intended to provide women with some assistance on their journeys, remind them of their inheritance of what is good and true. I also want every woman to know that no matter what, no one can take away your true divine place in this world. You have a purpose, and your whole life and whatever you desire all depend on you recognizing your purpose.

HB: In your opinion, what are the biggest mistakes women make when entering a relationship?

TD: One of the biggest mistakes women make is giving their power over to men because when they do they forget who they are and allow their emotions to take them over. Women need to know that men think with their brains. Women think with their hearts. Whatever is going on in your relationship, he is processing it from a logical standpoint as opposed to his feelings, his emotions. Also, women have forgotten how to date. We live in a day and age where people are too eager to hook-up instead of taking the time to get to know one another. Women should not forget that men like to pursue; they like to hunt. A woman has to make the man pursue her and not give in so easily to her (or his) desires. Women have to own their power and virtues. If a woman is too quick to jump in a relationship with a man, she really hasn’t taken the time to know him, and vice-versa. And, then three to six months later they find out they have nothing in common. They can’t even have a conversation with each other because they don’ t know each other. Take the time to date and find out everything you need to know about him before committing to a relationship. Another mistake women make is the failure to listen. Women must listen to men and observe their behavior. Pay attention to what he is saying and doing. If he is not living up to your standards and he is not doing what he says he will, then she must reevaluate that man and make him accountable, responsible, and integral. Finally, women tend to date the potential in men. They see who he will become, or what they want him to become, and they fall in love with that man instead of the man they meet. When he doesn’t become who they want him to be, women become disappointed, frustrated, and angry.

HB: If you had to sum up in three or four sentences your career advice for women, what would you tell them?

TD: Do what you love. Whatever you feel deepest in your heart, and whatever brings you the most joy that is what you are supposed to be doing. Whatever you think about before you go to bed, and think about first thing when you wake up, that is what you should be doing. Your career should bring you joy, peace, and happiness. Don’t do something just for money. If you love what you do, and it provides fulfillment beyond anything you’ve ever experienced, the money will come.

HB: Your book talks about the down-low phenomenon—in your view, how prevalent is the issue of down-low gay men in the black community?

TD: Well, the down-low phenomenon is not just prevalent in the black community, but in all communities, including whites, Latinos, and Asians. Unfortunately, when people hear the term down-low, they associate it with the black community. I feel there should be more open discussions in all communities around sex and sexuality. We’re so afraid to have those discussions, though, that it’s crippling us—as a result, we have an alarming rate of HIV infection among women. People are scared to talk about gays, bisexuality, and down-low. If we talk about it then we have to admit it exists. As long as we avoid talking about it, we are keeping it in the closet, and we are keeping ourselves in the dark.

HB: What is the most important ingredient to living a fabulous life?

TD: Loving yourself. If you love who you are, then others will love you. If you don’t appreciate you, then others will not. If you don’t show yourself respect, then others will not. It’s all about love. And that means loving everything about yourself from the bottom of your feet to the top of your head.

Make sure to stop in your local bookstore today, or order online, HERE!

With 2010 winding down, we’re all looking forward to next year and the changes it may bring.  Whether it’s challenging yourself at work, accepting a new job offer, attempting to lose weight or quit smoking, we all make changes in the new year.

Some people have determined that when a new year begins, it’s time to take their personal relationships to the next level. If wondering whether or not to move in with your boyfriend, take this advice (from eHow.com & TheFrisky)

WHAT TO ASK YOURSELF FIRST:

How long have you been dating?
There are some people who moved in after a couple months of knowing each other and it worked out. For the other 98% of them, it didn’t. So be logical about it. You can’t really know all that much about someone after two months, but after a year you’ll know how often they cut their toenails, and what they do with the clippings.

How often do you hang out?
Are you one of those couples that lead two totally separate lives or do prefer to spend the majority of your time together? If you’re the latter, moving in will likely be a smooth transition. If it’s more like you see each other a couple times a week, try increasing the amount of nights you stay with each other as a sort of trial-run.

Do you want it to last forever?
Moving in because your lease is up or because it’s cheap are not good reasons to start living together. The main point of co-habitation is to take things to the next level. Some people even wait until they’re engaged. Bottom line: Don’t move in with unless you know you’re with the right person. READ MORE BELOW!

Check out the hottest celebs pics on the net!!

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BEFORE YOU MOVE IN:

Define your relationship. Do an emotional inventory. Make sure you are both on the same page and you are both ready to make this step. Think of why you are moving in.

Consider finances. If you are getting a brand new place and have never lived alone, you might want to budget out your expenses. Consider rent, utilities, food, transportation, furniture, repairs and other incidental costs. Decide on how you are going to split the costs.

Lay down rules. Have a plan for when issues come up. Explain some of your habits and expectations and be prepared to make some compromises.

Dating Website Kicks The “Fatties” Off!

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ONCE YOU MOVE IN:

Leave yourself some space, still making time for your friends and other relationships. Get out of the house together, instead of staying cooped up. Also, have a separate study or work place where you can be alone every now and then.

Have a backup plan. It’s not pessimistic to prepare for the worst case scenario. Rather than being homeless or stuck with someone you don’t have feelings for anymore, leave yourself an out. Have some savings put away or have a contingency plan.

Integrate. If you are moving into his place and bringing all your stuff, you’re going to need to figure out how to make it a shared space. It’s unlikely that you need two coffee tables, two beds, two sofas and two TVS. You are both likely equally attached to your possessions, so work out a compromise.

Dating Resolutions For 2010 That You Should Keep

According to the NY Post, they were spotted Tuesday dining at Rabbit in the Moon on West Eighth Street.

“Janet was glowing. They had a corner table and were very cuddly. They seemed very much in love,” a spy said. “Wissam picked up the check, and when asked if they’d be back next week, they said they were flying to Paris for Fashion Week.”

The couple hasn’t been spotted twice by paparazzi in the same country yet.

Could Janet be getting ready to walk down the aisle?

Janet And Boyfriend Still Vacationing In Italy [PHOTOS]

Did Janet Dump Jermaine Dupri Because He Got A Stripper Pregnant?

Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.

1. Loyalty: Whether its in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way.

2. Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.

5 friends you should have on the job

3. Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured!

READ MORE HERE

3 ways to deal with people who ignore boundaries

“Beautiful Friendship” Contest Rules

Announcing…THE “BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP” CONTEST

brought to you by DreamWorks Studios & HelloBeautiful.com

Do you have a beautiful friendship in your life? Have you experienced a friendship with another woman that has influenced your life in a positive way? Transformed you emotionally or spiritually or intellectually, helped you through a challenging situation, or just been plain fun?

Tell us about it in the Beautiful Friendship contest and WIN:

• a new Flip HD camera
• an exclusive all-expense paid trip for you and your friend to the LIVE FILM SET of DreamWorks’ upcoming major motion picture, The Help, based on the best-selling book by Kathryn Stockett.
• a meet & greet with the cast and crew of the film to witness how a film gets made
• Featured Blogger spot on HelloBeautiful.com to video blog about your experience with your new camera!

To Enter, fill in the form below:

1. Write a description of your “Beautiful Friend” (350 words or less)

2. Upload your most beautiful picture of you both together. (The photo should be a personal photograph, taken by you or of you for which you have permission to post.)

Winners will be chosen by HelloBeautiful on September 20, 2010

FROM COLLEGECANDY: You think you’re telling men what they want to hear, but think again.  Most guys know when you’re adding a little extra sparkle to your dating resume, especially when they come across these top five dating lies:

Lying about your weight
So you’re signing up for those personal training sessions at the gym together and your guy is filling out the forms for you both.  More likely than not, it’ll play out like this:  “Hey babe, have you ever had any sports related injuries?” “Not a one,” you say.  “And how much do you weigh?”  Your thoughts screech to a halt.  You’re joining the gym to lose those few pounds you put on over the winter.  You were hoping they’d be gone before he had the chance to notice.  In a desperate moment, you shout out a number that is entirely false.  Apparently today you’re Nicole Richie.  A) He’s not a moron and probably knows double digits is a little low for your 5’7 height and b) he probably doesn’t care or hasn’t noticed the additional 3.8 pounds you’ve been stressing over.  Let it go.

Can Lesbians Teach Us Anything About Relationships?

“I don’t usually do this…”
Uh, yeah you do.  The second those words leave your mouth, it’s a red flag to any guy that you’re no stranger to sex on the first date.  Now, I’m not giving you a lecture on how to conduct your personal life, that’s for you to figure out.  What I will tell you, though, is to own your choices.  He doesn’t want to hear about how you’re actually a really good girl; you were just having a rough weekend and got over served at the Applebee’s happy hour.  Be yourself and save the crap.

“What’s With Men and Sex, Sex, Sex All The Time?”

Pretending you’re not really into anniversaries and all those “sappy” holidays.
If it’s true, fine.  But more often than not, girls think guys want to hear that they don’t care about Valentines Day, birthdays, and anniversaries because it will make them more appealing.  Go ahead and tell him you’re the jeans and a t-shirt kind of girl, not the flowers and candy and where the hell is my eighteen-week anniversary card type of freak he usually dates.  Just don’t get upset when he takes you on your word and doesn’t deliver on the big days.  Men don’t do double talk – they like the truth, plain and simple.  It’s not a crime to want a teddy bear holding a heart; it is, however, to beat him over the head with the one your roommate got from her boyfriend.

READ THE REST HERE!

When you first fall in love the passion abounds. You make love all the time and cannot get enough of one another. After awhile, however, what was fireworks becomes little more than faint sparklers when you are in the bedroom. Relationships can grow stale as routine takes the place of spontaneity and newness turns to sameness. Luckily, there are exciting ways to put the passion back into your relationship from shine.com:

Step 1

Make time for your love life. Turn off the television and stay offline a couple of times a week to help improve things in the bedroom. Also, don’t just make love at night, enjoy a morning romp on the weekends as well.

Step 2

Change the way you look at your partner if you have children. It is too easy to look at your husband or wife as “mom” and “dad” instead of seeing them as your lover.

8 ways to have date night on a dime

Step 3

Dress up and look your best to help incite passion. Too many people neglect their looks once they are in established relationships for some time. Take good care of your skin, teeth and body to keep your partner attracted.

Step 4

Communicate your sexual needs to your lover. Let your partner know what you desire in bed and be ready to listen to his ideas as well. Act out your fantasies for extra spice in the bedroom.

READ MORE HERE

Top 7 biggest dating myths.

While everyone thought that R&B singer Monica was dating rapper Maino, I’m hearing that she’s actually dating NBA baller Shannon Brown of the Los Angeles Lakers.

But, it doesn’t end there…sources are saying that Monica may have broken up Shannon’s relationship with his baby moms who Shannon dumped when he met Monica.

Shannon and his son’s mother Sharde have been TOGETHER for 7 years, living together as a family.

According to MediaTakeOut.com:

“Everything was fine, they were even talking about getting married . . . they were one big happy family, and then Monica came along.”

But MediaTakeOutcom’s snitch added, “I don’t COMPLETELY blame Monica for everything. But as a mom who just had her babys father (Rocko) CHEAT ON HER, she should understand.”

And according to Sandra Rose, the two are getting along well and might be getting serious:

A little birdie told me that Shannon recently met Mo’s parents Marilyn Best and Rev. Ed Best, and they both loved him!

Monica, one word KARMA!!

Related Links:

Does Monica Have A New Man?

Monica’s “Love All Over Me (Viewer’s Choice)” [NEW VIDEO]

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My ex-boyfriend became gay on me. We were together for four years and last year he broke up with me to be with a man. He told me that he fell out of love with me, but the truth behind it all is that he is gay.

He cheated on me and you know what, he ended up getting HIV. I’ve been tested many times and they said that I don’t have HIV. Thank God. I feel like, ‘That’s what he gets for cheating on me and lying about everything.”

It was his roommate who turned him out. And now he wants me to forgive him and I want to do it, but, SORRY FOR YA!!!!!! But, now he’s telling me that he is scared to get into a relationship with me because he doesn’t know if he can fall in love with me or have sex, either. But, you know what, I still love him and I want to be with him now. And I hate that, too. I just don’t know what to do.  – My Gay Ex Wants Me Back

“I’m Over My Relationship And I Want To Escape!”

Dear My Gay Ex Wants Me Back,

Okay, first of all, there is no way I condone wishing any illness or death on anyone. That is mean, cruel, and a sign of an evil and repressed individual. I am also of the mindset that everyone should be mindful of their thoughts, because they become action. And, what you think will manifest. So, be very careful what you allow to manifest and grow in your mind because it will become truth.

Now, do I feel I bad for you, yes, I do. He lied, he cheated, and deceived you into believing your relationship was real and that he was a heterosexual man. Do I believe that his roommate turned him out, no I do not. No man can be turned out. He is, and was, gay all along. So, sweetie, your ex did not become “gay on you.”

I totally understand that you have feelings for him. You were  in (what you thought was) a monogamous relationship with a heterosexual man for four years. Yet, you learned the truth, ended the relationship, and now he wants you to take him back. Uhm, sweetie, why are you considering this? He is gay! He is not going to fall in love with you. He is only going to use you, and continue using you for his own personal benefit. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgment. There is nothing to consider or reconsider about being in a relationship with him.

But, Ms. My Gay Ex Wants Me Back, I get the feeling you’re going to date him again. And, there is nothing wrong with dating someone who is HIV positive, but make sure you educate yourself about the facts of the disease, its transmission, and get yourself into some counseling or therapy groups. You can contact the local LGBT center in your area for resources.

And, Ms. Thang, if you’re having sex with him again, I do hope you are using a condom. HIV rates among black women are very high, and you don’t want to be another statistic. You can read about HIV rates and infections, HERE!

Oh, by the way, there is lot of misinformation about the transmission of the virus and down low men. All HIV infectious rates among black women is not directly linked to men on the down low. You can also read all the information on the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) website and their findings.

And, chile, I want you to be very clear about something. Just because he tells you he wants to be with you, and he loves you, and he doesn’t want to be with men any longer, don’t get mad and upset when you discover he is still dipping out on you with men. You can’t change him. You can’t make him straight. His being with and liking men has nothing to do with you. I tell you, some women think they can make a man straight by having sex with him. Sugar, that is who is he, a gay man. No amount of sex, loving, or being there for him is going to make him straight. Now that you know, I hope you will do like Spike Lee, and Do The Right Thing – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend

It looks like Matt Kemp is about to make his relationship with Rihanna official!! Word on the street is the baseball hottie is shopping around for a ring.Apparently Matt has hired the jewelry company Rafaello & Company to create a one million dollar ring.

People close to Matt have seen him ring shopping the past few weeks, but the more pressing issue for him appears to be the perfect moment and place to ask the pop sensation to marry him.

I love these two together and wish them all the luck!!

SOURCE

Is Rihanna Distracting Boyfriend Matt Kemp?

PHOTOS: Rihanna & Matt Kemp Go On Another Dinner Date

We’ve all most likely been in this scenario: you meet someone new and hit it off right away – they’re funny, nice, and you seem to have found a fast friend. However, since you just met, you feel that you can’t fully trust them yet. You’ve listened to some of their stories and shared quite a few of your own, but this is the first time you’ve talked. You might feel a real connection and want to believe that they’re trustworthy, yet you still have that guarded feeling that makes you seem nervous. It’s human nature to be cautious people we don’t know well. Personally, since I’m a glass-is-half-full type of woman, I trust people unless they give me a reason to think otherwise. While it’s always good to be careful with whom you trust, when does this “guarded” approach turn into full-on paranoia? There’s a fine line between being a street-smart human being and having a closed personality. People are complex and it’s smart to not let everyone into to your personal life, but how are you to strengthen your new relationships if you don’t give them something to start with? Here are some tips on how to be trusting, but not TOO trusting:

1. Start off slow when talking to someone new. Don’t reveal too much about yourself too fast. It’s always a golden rule to keep a friendly air, but not to tell the person EVERYTHING about yourself. This might be common sense, but some people are far too honest too fast, which could lead to issues later if the relationship doesn’t go well. Any friendship or relationship in general has to start with a foundation with which you build trust on. Just be smart about how much you tell someone and a new relationship could blossom!

2. Be open to upping the trust level as you get to know them. If you or put up a wall right away or become defensive when they ask you more in-depth questions, they might think that you don’t like them and might back away themselves as a result. If you don’t let the relationship develop naturally, how is there supposed to be trust at all? Trust is a give and take, therefore, if you don’t let yourself become comfortable or open to letting them in, nothing’s ever going to happen.

3. Don’t analyze everything too much. As I said in a past entry (Stop Over-Analyzing And Start Living Your Life), analyzing every little detail of your life isn’t worth it. You have to be open to the fact that nothing is completely certain unless you talk to the person, plus life is better if you’re able to let some things go. Many times, shy people who worry too much are mistaken as cold or insensitive, even if they’re really just scared to trust others. In general, you just have to open yourself up to the possibilities, yet not be one to bare your soul. Keeping a balanced perspective on every situation makes it easier to trust, yet also be in-tune with your gut thoughts and feelings on the person.

4. …However, DO read body language. Body language is invaluable to notice while learning to trust someone, especially since it can be very indicative of whether that person is being sincere or not. Watch their eyes, hand motions, and facial expressions carefully in order to gauge whether or not the person is being truthful. Check out this article I posted a few weeks ago to get a handle on how to read people.

Is It Really In The Eyes? Body Language Decoded.

5. Don’t assume you know everything about them right away. Getting to know them through social networking sites, texts, instant messenger, and e-mail shouldn’t be the sole way you get to know them. Don’t blindly think they are a certain way unless you have spent a significant amount of time in person with them. Ask them lots of questions in order to get to know their intricacies in the flesh. It’s better to get to know someone slowly through getting coffee or hanging out in the park with friends than a false sense of intimacy through text.

6. Listen to your gut feeling in order to spot patterns. Did you get a weird feeling when they asked you personal information right away? Or was it possible that from the moment you met, you weren’t sure if they were trustworthy or not? Trust those initial feelings. Take the friendship slowly. Listen to the above hints and don’t reveal too much about yourself. If these invasive questions continue or you still don’t feel safe around them, a pattern is forming and it might be for the best that you aren’t very close with this person. If your gut is telling you something, it’s probably important, so listen to that instinct – it’s rarely wrong!

In general, it’s good to take things slow and not rush into any intense emotional sharing with people. It can take some friends years to open up to each other, but others mere days or hours to spill their entire life stories. While it’s good to go with the flow and not be too nervous about budding camaraderie, you can’t be too careful with what you share in initial meetings.Once you’ve known someone for years and haven’t had many issues with them, then the trust levels can be raised, but it always depends on your gut feelings no matter what. Don’t let uneasy feelings overtake you – listen to them! Be careful with your interactions with that person and if need be, let go of someone who’s toxic. Life is too short for strong, independent women to be tied down with non-trustworthy confidants! Be yourself and learn to ease into friendships, relationships, and other interpersonal interactions gracefully. You never know who you could meet and how important they could turn out to be in the long run!

Lebron is not as innocent as people think he is… Apparently King James had a fling with Beyonce’s cousin Angie right before his baby mama Savannah got pregnant.

Here’s what mediatakeout is saying:

Angie is Beyonce’s cousin and her former personal assistant. The two were BEST FRIENDS up until a few years ago when they had a falling out over some silly ish.

And our insider had an OPINION as to why they believe LeBron and Angie were dating. According to the insider, “LeBron is a real d*ckrider. I truly believe that he only dated her so that he could get inside the inner circle of Beyonce and Jay Z.”

SOURCE

Does LeBron Have A Jumpoff?

Did Amber Rose & LeBron Hook Up During NBA All Star Weekend?

From ohnotheydidn’t.com:

For the past several days, the blogs have been buzzing over the possibility that Reggie Bush and Amber Rose, were a new couple. The two have been spotted over the course of a couple days out at the club looking somewhat cozy. Although nothing has been confirmed regarding the two’s relationship status, you are kinda left wondering what Kim Kardashian feels about iSo today on Twitter, Amber offered her a bit of advice. And although she didn’t specifically mention Kim’s name, come on now…

Are Amber Rose & Reggie Bush A Couple?

Is This Kim Kardashian’s New Man?