Please help!  I’ve been going with my “fiancé” for nearly four years.  His ex divorced him five years ago (we met a year after his divorce), after they were married for 15 years. He has a now-17-year-old son with her. There were a lot of issues in his marriage and admits he was a terrible father. He had a substance and alcohol addiction problem and had difficulties holding down a job. He currently owes a LOT of back child support. He now works a fairly good job, although it’s low paying (but regular and long hours), and child support payments are deducted from his paychecks.

However, I feel his past issues with the ex are not my problem. I’ve tried to be supportive of him, even though we’ve had our own issues:  He has stolen from me and lied to me.  We’ve been in counseling and have tried to heal and I’ve tried to work with him to rebuild the trust.  Yet, he’s secretive about his relationship with the ex.

I feel it’s out of guilt that he behaves the way he does, and I feel she manipulates him because of the way he treated her in the marriage. (He may even have been unfaithful to her; I’m not sure.)  But now she’s DIVORCED from him. She shouldn’t be trying to get MY money from him. (We were living together for a year and-a-half until I kicked him out because he took money that he earned from side jobs that I found for him and gave the money to HER.)

Now he’s living with his brother and sister-in-law, sleeping in a kids’ bedroom and living like a 16-year-old with a 10 p.m. curfew. (I think this is good for him and is exactly what he needs at this point.)  His brother and sister-in-law will not put up with any crap from him. I tried not to, but he walked all over me. When he is late coming home now (past his 10 p.m. curfew), he has to sleep outside in his car. He isn’t allowed to have a key to his brother’s house.

He has asked me to let him come back and live with me. I’ve told him NO WAY. He wants to marry me, or so he claims, but he still carries on a secret relationship with the ex.

I understand that he will always have to have contact with her because of their son. BUT:  He visits with her at her house and never tells me when or what’s going on. I’ve NEVER met her, and she won’t allow me near their house. Once, we pulled up in her driveway after church (I was waiting in the car), and she came out of the house screaming and told him to get his “girlfriend” off the property and never to bring “her” near the house again or she would call the police. She won’t let me near the 17-year-old son and badmouths me to the son, whom I’ve only seen twice in the nearly four years I’ve been going with my fiancé.

How do I handle this? My fiancé is not moving toward marrying me. We’re Catholic and since both of us have been married before, in order to be married in the Church, we have to go through the annulment process. I started the paperwork process with our Church two years ago, but my fiancé won’t continue with the paperwork. It’s always an excuse. He has not been able to put any money away and is always broke. (He’s bankrupt.) He had a chance to get his bankruptcy resolved by my CPA for whom I work (free of charge) and he canceled the appointment. Now my CPA doesn’t want anything to do with him.

He still claims I’m “the love of his life” and that “one day” I will be his wife and that I’m his “wife” in his mind.

What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.

The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation. Thanks for your advice. – He’s My Man

Dear Ms. He’s My Man,

Girl, girl, girl! Really? Really! Today, you’re going to bring this bull-ish to me and it’s only the middle of the damn week?!

I was cracking up reading your letter and saying to myself, “She is truly a bird. She is truly special. And, I’m talking about special ed. As a matter of fact, I’m enrolling you in my special ed classes at my Academy for Retarded Ass-Backward Women Who Don’t Know Their Ass From A Hole In A Ground.”

You have got to be out of your got damn mind to want to marry this man. You have got to be the dumbest woman living on the face of earth to even get wrapped up in this madness and drama with this man.

I’m going to list several reasons why you should not get married to him:

1.)    He has stolen from you.

2.)    He has lied to you.

3.)    You’ve only met his 17-year old son twice in four years.

4.)    He is a drug addict and alcoholic.

5.)    He is broke and bankrupt.

6.)    He is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Trust me. He is!

7.)    He is keeping secrets from you, and therefore, he is not honest or truthful, or trustworthy.

8.)    He’s living in his brother and sister-in-law’s home, with a curfew, and he has no key to the home because they don’t even trust him.

9.)    The money he earned from side jobs you helped him find he gave the money to his ex.

Finally, in order to get married you have to file annulment paperwork, which you have done, but he somehow can’t seem to finish. Thus, this means you’re not worth the time and effort. In essence: YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!

Now listen here, sweetie, if every time you go out of your way to help him, and he doesn’t want to help himself, then why do you keep getting on your knees and kissing his left and right ass cheeks? Stop licking and sucking his ass. He’s not worth it.

But here’s the thing, all of you are treating him like a kid. Which he is. You’re babying him and holding his hand, and trying to get him to do the right thing. His brother is babying him and treating him like a kid. And, even his ex-wife is coddling him and manipulating him. Hmmmm, you see where I’m going with this? He’s a grown ass kid and won’t make any adult choices for himself because all of you are doing it for him. How about all of you treat him like an adult, and when he finds himself with no place to live, struggling with his finances, and he has to actually do things for himself, then hopefully his grown ass will grow the “F” up.

I’m going to wrap this up and I hope you will think for once in your life. And, I mean actually use your brain for something more intellectual other than watching Jerry Springer, Maury, and other non-academic or brain stimulating activities. How can this man actually afford to take care of you if he owes sooooo much back child support, he’s financially inept, bankrupt, and works a minimum wage job?  And, you say he says that you’re the love of his life. LMBAO! You’re actually wrong. You are the mother of his life. Don’t get it twisted. Then you ask, “What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.” Then stop. Someone can’t break your heart unless you allow them to. Stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his crusty nasty ass feet on your heart.

You go on to say, “The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation.” If you know this and he’s not doing anything to help the situation, then why are you still there? Why are you hoping he will do what he’s supposed to and after five years of being with him he’s done nothing for you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to end this and let it marinate in your thick ass brainless skull. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

My fiancé and I have been together for going on five years. We had a very rough start, but he came around. After a year or so being together we moved in together. He asked me to marry him after a huge fight and me wanting to move out. I love this man with all of my heart, but I said, “No,” because I felt it was the wrong time to be asking that sort of question.

After we worked things out, he asked me again. This time I said yes! Fast forward three and half years, and now he doesn’t want to get married. After we’ve set a date and everything he says we do not need a piece of paper to know we are married! He says he will do it for me, but for everyone else asking his remarks and expressions say he doesn’t! Why would he ask me to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Where is this going? – Does He Really Want To Get Married

Dear Ms. Does He Really Want To Get Married,

SMDH! Chile, I swear you pressed and unrelenting women don’t and won’t learn.

You want to know where it’s going? Uhm, nowhere.

You want to know why would he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Because underneath all your drama, nagging, and complaining he really never ever wanted to get married. I’m certain that it’s YOU who wants to get married. And, to make you happy and to keep a happy home, he is doing what he thinks you want him to do. Therefore, like most men who don’t really want to get married, but the pressures from their girlfriends who won’t stop nagging and bringing up the marriage issue a man will get to the point where he will be like, “Okay! Damn! Let’s get married. Let’s do this and hopefully you will shut the hell up!!!”

But, also like most men, they will tell you truth after careful consideration, thought, and processing that they do not want to get married. They never wanted to get married and the only reason he is doing it is because YOU want to get married. YOU want the wedding. YOU want to show off to your friends and family members that YOU got a man to agree to walk down the aisle and profess his love for you. LMBAO!

This is what I don’t understand and I do hope that someone will please explain it to me: Why do you women date these men for years on end, move in, play house and do all the things a married couple does, and then all of a sudden it dawns on you that you have no ring on your finger and you start demanding he makes a woman out of you and marry you? DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING TYPE OF SENSE? I swear you’re some ass backwards thinking and doing folks. Now you want to back track and do things the right way. Now you want to reverse what’s already been set forth.

And, weren’t you the one who said, “No,” when he asked you initially to marry him? Now, you’re all concerned and perturbed because he’s telling you he doesn’t need a piece of paper for you to know you’re married. And, the only reason he will do it is for you! Now, listen to what he is saying. Pay attention because I’m certain that comprehension is not your strong suit.  LMBAO! Please, baby Jesus make it stop! This is what he is saying: HE IS ONLY GOING TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Now, you have an option: You can either ignore his desire not to be married and force him down the aisle and live a life of misery and unhappiness with a man who feels his is doing something he really wants to do, but will only do it to appease you? Or, you can wait and do some marriage counseling courses, and get to the root of why he doesn’t want to get married. And, you can save yourself the heartache, pain, and agony of trying to be with a man who will probably be much happier if you wanted and allowed him to be the initiator for marriage. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Would You Sign A Two-Year Marriage License To Avoid The Divorce Process?

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

I need help with one of my best friends who introduced me to your site.

He is a good friend and my daughter’s godfather. He just doesn’t make the best decisions, especially when it comes to women. We attended college together and worked together for three years, and about six months ago he told me he was leaving and moving to Atlanta with a female friend.

I was happy for him, but at the same time a little concern. See, he is the type of guy that is woman crazy. He falls head over heels for women even if they show no interest in wanting him. The first of the year I get a call from one of our other friends and he began telling me about our mutual friend. Since he has been in Atlanta we talk about every month and he makes it seems that everything is all good and he loves it. He called our friend, however, to borrow money and he told him what was going on and told him the truth about his living conditions.

He takes care of her three kids, his godchildren, baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning, and giving her something on rent every month. But, come to find out he is sleeping on the floor of her three-bedroom apartment. She has an empty room for her two-year old, but since the child sleeps with her, she won’t let my friend have it. Then, she has a young twenty-two year old boyfriend, who is close to moving in also. While my friend is handling chores like a stay-at-home husband, she’s in her room getting the ‘D’ from a younger guy.

I talked to him last week, and he didn’t sound like himself. His tune was of someone defeated and unhappy, not his usual happy joking personality. I tried talking to him, but I think everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He is continuing putting up that front like everything is all right. His voice tells of something different. I know he continues reading your site and I feel hearing advice from you might make him snap into his right mind and get out of that situation before it turns on him. I also have to mention that the job he had covered his medical insurance, and now he has no insurance and has health problems.

His female friend keeps nagging him about getting a better job and giving her more money, while she is living above her means. I feel her new guy will soon want him out of the picture and he’s going to be stuck homeless trying to move back home. I think it is hurting his pride that he doesn’t have a job, and moving back will make him look like a failure. I am close to giving up on him because honestly he is too old to be living like this. We are both in our thirties, I am 31 years old, and married with kids and he is close to 36 years old with no kid. What should I do, let him keep on this path until he hits a brick wall, or help him save himself the pain and misery and admit defeat. – Help my friend out before he is homeless and naked on a corner!

Dear Ms. Help My Friend,

Chile, I say let his dumb ass find out the hard way. I’m all for helping folks, and helping friends, and extending a hand to them, but if they don’t want to listen and they are stubborn or have too much damn pride to admit when –ish ain’t working out, then, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit the brick wall and hit rock bottom so they can see the situation for themselves.

It’s truly sad when a grown ass man who appears to have it all together, smart, educated, and a good head on his shoulders, but is too p****y hungry to know the difference between being used and being taken advantage of. He’s a clown and needs to have his ass clowned!

And, for the record, who the hell moves to another state with someone they barely know, sleeps on the floor, does the household chores like a live-in nanny and maid, and watches as some young tender bangs his girl? Oh, my bad, your friend!

Chile, I am truly thankful for my friends! Thank the Lord! We have a policy with each other that no matter what we will always be brutally honest with each other. We tell each other when we are doing asinine stupid ass –ish. We tell each other the TRUTH, regardless if we want to hear it or not, we don’t bite our tongues, and we don’t hold back. What good is it to have friends who co-sign your bull-ish and watch you go through something and then talk about you behind your back? No ma’am! Not me!

Honey, you’ve done all you can do. You’ve spoken with him, gave him a listening ear, and reached out and have been a friend to him. He is the one that is not opening up and being honest with you about his situation. You are getting the information secondhand. Unfortunately, and until he is ready, he is going to have to wake up and see what’s really real and say to himself, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I, a 36 year old grown ass man sitting up in this woman’s APARTMENT, not house, and sleeping on the floor, giving her money for rent, doing all the chores, baby-sitting, and some other dude is banging her back out? What am I trying to prove? Why is my ego so damn big and I’m too proud to admit that this –ish isn’t working, and I need help?” But, your friend won’t and can’t do that. And, it’s because of his ego and pride.

So, let his ego and pride put him out on the streets. Let his ego and pride ignore his health and realize he has no medical insurance. As a matter of fact, ask him if he can have sex with his ego and pride and if they can fulfill his longing desire to be with someone, feel love, and be wanted?

Your friend is searching for something that you cannot provide him with. He is looking for love. He is looking for someone to want him, desire him, and need him. And, he will put himself in this precarious and F’d up situations because he is driven by his emotions which are clouding his mental capabilities. So, let him learn his lesson, and hopefully he will stop being so damn egotistical, and hard-headed and count his losses. And, let him know you’re still there for him, and will have his back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Know My Man Loves Me, But His Ex Refuses To Get Out Of The Picture”

“I Gave Him The Ultimatum Of “Now or Never” For Marriage & He Said “Never”

Your articles have me in tear laughing. I’m a fan! LOL

Anywho, I have been dating my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and we recently told each other that we’re in love. He is so sweet to me, has bomb ass sex, and treats me like a queen. My birthday was recently and he gave me so many gifts and surprised me with a dinner and all our friends were there. I cried because nobody has ever treated me like him.

So, he is really not my issue. My issue is with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for 3 years. They had an on and off relationship and she cheated on him when he was away so he broke it off. I know he really loved and cared about her a lot because he kept giving her chances after she did him wrong. He says that he no longer loves her and wants nothing to do with her, but on his birthday she hit him up with this looong email saying how everyone in her family says happy birthday and that they love him (she also went on to make a few old jokes that they shared in common) and then to top it off she ended it with an, “I will always love you.”

He told me about this message, but it was only after I suspected she had contacted him because he made an indirect tweet about it and I figured it out. So, when he told me about the message I was a bit upset and asked him why he didn’t tell me. We finally came to an agreement that we would tell each other when an ex hits us up.

Now, my other issue is that she still contacts his mother and calls her “momma” and tells her she loves her. I can’t seem to get over this in my heart. I also found an old video of them together which also made me feel some kind of way. (I know I sound jealous) I love my man and want to stay with him, but I have a great feeling that his ex is not over him and will soon want him back if she already doesn’t. I don’t want his ex to become a problem, I want her to be a NON-FACTOR from here on out. Please give me your advice. -The New Girlfriend

Dear Ms. New Girlfriend,

Uhm, sweetie, she is a NON-MOFO’ing FACTOR! Why are you stressing over her? If he is not engaging her, leading her on, and reaching out and contacting her, then you don’t have anything to worry about. Let that bum ass wretched rat continue to scurry around sniffing for crumbs.

The man loves you! Don’t you get that! He went all out on your birthday. He gave you lots of gifts and surprised you with a dinner with all of your friends present. He demonstrated his love and emotions for you in front of everyone. The man loves YOU!

So what if his ex-girlfriend is sending loooong ass emails and trying to reconnect with him. That’s what a jilted and hurt ex will do when they know they’ve lost something really good. She wants him back because she realizes that she F’d up! She is the jackass that stepped out on him and treated him badly. She is the donkey that let a good man go, and in the words of Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”  And, now she’s reflecting over what she’s lost.

This is what I don’t understand. You have a good man. He loves you. Treats you like a queen. Does everything under the sun for you, and tells you he loves you, then why are you focusing on what his ex-girlfriend is doing? Why are you worried about her? If he is loving you, spending time with you, and giving you all his time and energy, then she shouldn’t even be a matter of consideration or thought. She is

If I were you I wouldn’t give her any energy, time, or space to rent in your head. You keep focusing on her then you will lose your man. You will begin to start making up things, and situations, and occurrences that don’t even exist. You’ll be imagining circumstances because your head will be playing games with you. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! Focus your energy and love on your man. Let him love you, treat you like the queen you are, and adorn you with lots of joy, happiness, and joy.

And, if Ms. Thing gets out of pocket and wants to show up and start requesting time with him, or calling your phone harassing you, then it’ll be time to get Jilly from Philly on her ass and let her know, “You’re getting in the way of what I’m feeling!” Let her know that she is old news, the old witch that had her chance and F’d it up. And, you’re being a woman and letting her know to watch herself and the boundaries of your relationship. If she continues to ignore you and your relationship, and doesn’t show you any respect, then you’re going to have to snatch Ms. Thang by her weave and whoop that ass. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I met this guy “Robert” at a bar on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and planned to hang out the next day because I was headed off to another place to meet up with friends. However (and probably unfortunately) I ended up seeing him after the bars closed as I was walking my friend home. His friend and him ended up walking us to her place and both of them caught a cab home to my place. We ended up drinking some more and just talking and eventually his friend left. The next morning after a night of cuddling and making out we had sex. We woke up, talked for awhile, and then eventually I drove him home. When he got out of the car he said he would call me later and kissed me goodbye (on the lips mind you). Yet all day he never called.

I know the three day rule but honestly think it is ridiculous so I text him on Sunday. We kept the conversation light and he replied to my texts (which he could have blown me off). But now it is been a couple of days and nothing. I kind of like him and would really like to see him again to get to know him better. Hopefully hang out with out having sex. Do you think it is a loss cause or should I just be more patient? I know it was probably a mistake sleeping with him so fast but do you think I can get things back on track? Should I make the second move and invite him to hang out? – Impulsively Searching For Love

“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby’s Momma”

Dear Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love,

Sigh! When will you ladies learn: Sex for a man does not equate love or instant feelings of like. It’s just sex. It’s a physical act of lust and desire, and on many occasions a need to release.

You said you kind of like him. Well, could you please tell me what do you like about him, ma’am? Yeah, just as I figured. You don’t know him. You had sex with him after a night of drinking. You both were mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired. How can you make a sound judgment under the influence of alcohol? Please explain that to me.

Girl, you had drunk sex and now you think you’ve met the one. SMDH! Silly ass rabbit, tricks are for kids. Ole trick ass.

Your signature is befitting of you: Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love. Stop searching for love by opening your legs to random dudes you meet at a bar. How about you start opening your mind and feeding and nurturing your spirit.

Girl, I’m still LMBAO because you truly believe and feel that just because he kissed you on the lips after you drove him home the next morning that it was a sign that he really liked you and wanted to get to know you better. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop baby Jesus. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

What do I do when I like someone but they are in the middle of a divorce? – Liking A Married Man

Dear Ms. Liking A Married Man,

Uhm, how about you leave them alone and wait until the divorce is over.

He is still married. I don’t care if he’s separated, and they are going through a divorce. What part of they are still married do you not understand?  Ole thirsty ass chick.

Please, slowly remove your rouge painted lips from under his nut sac and stop sipping his juices.

Let him go through his divorce before you start any type of relationship with this man. And, please note: Although he may be divorcing his wife, he is not ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So, any hopes of you being the next Mrs., please get that out of your head. You will be the jump-off, and bed buddy. You know, the in-between time chick until he finds another woman he wants to settle down with and make his wife.

So, pump your brakes. Get you some business, and preferably a man that is not tied to some other woman. Yeah, that’s a thought. How about you find a man who is single, eligible, and available. Why do you want to be with someone who already has somebody? Because as the saying goes, “How you find him, is how you will lose him.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“My Boyfriend Infected Me With HIV & He Stole My Money For My Meds”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met a guy on face book and I cuddled a little with him at the first date. He didn’t even ask me to become his girlfriend or anything. We met again two days later. We cuddled a lot again. After that, I called him a couple of times. He answered me, but he won’t call me himself. He pretends that he’s busy so he doesn’t have time to see me. But, I really like this guy and I don’t wanna let go of him. I wanna know if there is something I could do about it to make it work? – Liking My Facebook Friend

Dear Ms. Liking My Facebook Friend,

Girl, are you serious right now? SMDH! Chile, here we go with these Facebook romances.

Uhm, sweetie if you cuddled with him on the first date after meeting him over the computer, he’s not going to take you serious or even consider dating you. There’s a word for women like you, and I’m trying to refrain from calling you a hoe, so let’s just say that you’re easy. How about that? LOL!

If you can hop your fast ass in the bed with a man you don’t know, and from off the computer, then why are you expecting him to return your calls after you’ve shown him the goodies and you let him get a sample of your treats?

The doors of the, All Women’s Academy For Simplemindedness And Dumb Women Who Do Dumb –Ish, are open. And, darling, I’m going to need you to step to the front of the line.

You women are going to learn about meeting random men on the computer and taking your hot between the legs asses over to their houses. Your ass is going to come up missing. Ole Jeffrey Dahmer cannibal eating your brains for dinner.

Look, girl, he’s not interested in you. He’s not thinking about you. He only has sex on the brain. He just wanted to smash and use you like he’s done other random women he’s met off Facebook. It’s a game for him, and like most men. It’s called, “How many chicks can I slay on the first night and add to my little black book of easy lays so the next time I’m horny I can hit them up and smash again.” And, you my dear, have become a statistic to the game. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

The absence of a wedding ring isn’t a tell-tale sign that cutie you’re crushing on is single. So here’s eight definite ways to tell if he’s single, you know, because we don’t want you to be embarrassed or heartbroken. And if you have any signs to add, let us know in the comments.

1. His Ikea cart is loaded with dishes and pots.

2. He’s in the frozen food aisle buying Hungry Man dinners. The rest of his cart is filled with beer and cereal.

3. He’s standing in front of the washing machine at the laundromat, confused look on his face, clearly wondering why there’s only a card slot, not a coin slot.

4. He still works out.

What are four other ways to tell if he’s probably single? Click here to find out.

So what do these single men look for in a woman, anyway?

Not sure if he’s really single? Find out if you’re the other woman.

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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I met this guy online after I decided to get on Myspace for the first time in over a year.

He left comments on my photos a while back and I decided to email him and see how he was doing. He moved up north and he asked me to text him. I am currently in a relationship, but it is not going well at all. He was aware and still wanted to talk to me.

Pack up and move on

We texted back and forth and he sent me a picture of his “thang.” He asked me to do the same, which I reluctantly did. I have never done anything like that in my life, but he was so fine and saying all the right things. Plus he is FINE!

So the sexting continues and progresses into videos. Until last week when i stopped hearing from him. We were texting everyday. What should I do? I texted him good morning on two different days and got no response. He was texting me constantly.

Now I feel horrible because there are naked pics and videos of me and they are in the hands of someone who can’t communicate with me. I am too embarrassed to tell me friends. I am on Facebook now but I’m not sure if I should try to friend him. I am pissed and confused. Help a sista out. – Texting Disaster

“I Met A Pastor Online & I’ve Learned He’s Married & Does This All The Time”

Dear Ms. Texting Disaster,

That’s what the hell you get!! SMDH!

I swear you birds will do anything for attention. Who in the hell starts texting some random dude they met online, and then begin sexting, and then your hot ass sends naked pictures and videos and you have no idea who they are? You really are special. You really are pecking the ground with your beak. Ugh! I could strangle you!

And, who in their right mind is on Myspace???

Girl, this is clearly a wake up call for you. I hope your dumbass learned a lesson from all of this.

I truly refuse to believe that there are people in the world, like you, who lack that much common sense. Wait a minute? Yup, you do lack common sense. I can clearly see through that bald spot in your weave directly to your small ass brain.

Please tell me why the hell you’re sending your naked narrow ass pictures to some random dude because you say, “He is fine!” Do you even know if that is really him that you sent your pictures to? And, do you know if the pictures he sent of his, “thang,” were really pictures of his “thang?” I mean, you two never met in person. So, you don’t know who you were sending your pictures to, do you?

Now, you’re sitting over there with remorse and shame because your nasty ass exposed yourself to some dude who can put all your business out in the street. The same dude who is now M.I.A. (Missing In Action) after he got what he wanted from you. So, what do you want him to do? Send you back the pictures and videos and issue you an apology? LMBAO! I can’t today. Please baby Jesus make it stop.

But, hold on, didn’t you say that you were in a relationship with someone? So, why the freak are you texting, sexting, and sending naked pictures and videos of yourself to some other dude? You really are thirsty. Stop drinking the nut juice young lady. It’s not good for you. Yes, it has plenty of protein and they say it’s good for your skin, but stop digesting it.

Listen up folks! I’m going to issue this warning once, and once only. Do not respond to some random person off the internet who hits you up and asks you to start texting them. Why the hell would you give out your number to someone whom you’ve never met in person and that you don’t know? They are a stranger. And, what’s the saying you learned when you were younger and a stranger approached you, “STRANGER DANGER!”

Do not respond to some random person off the internet who hits up with naked pictures of themselves and they ask you to send some of yourself. Uhm, you do know that people can lift other people’s photos and naked pictures from off the internet and pass themselves off as their own. They can make up a whole complete profile and identity for themselves and you wouldn’t know the difference. STOP RESPONDING TO FOLKS YOU DON’T KNOW ON THE INTERNET.

Do not, and I mean DO NOT send naked pictures or videos of yourself to folks over the internet if you don’t want the pictures to be made public. Hell, don’t even take naked pictures of yourself with your camera phone and have them saved on your phone. It’s a recipe for disaster. Haven’t you all learned anything from the celebrities who get caught up in these naked pictures texting scandals? And, what do you all say when you read about them on the blogs, after you’ve looked at the pictures? “They are so damn stupid. Why they hell would they send their naked pictures to some jump-off and think they won’t expose them?” Yeah, exactly. So, why don’t you think it will happen to you? What makes you exempt from this behavior?

Also, Ms. Freak-A-Leak, do you even know if the anonymous dude is of legal age to be receiving naked pictures of you? Is he over 18? You do know that sending naked pictures to a minor is a felony and you could be charged with child pornography? Ole dumbass! I swear you’ll learn. Take notes and let this be a lesson for you. Now, get yourself in someone’s school and get you some education. Stop running after dudes on the internet because they are “FINE!” How about you run to the store and get you some common sense and street smarts so this won’t happen again? – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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I have a pastor question, too. I liked your answers. So, I thought, ok, I will try.

I dated a Pastor, Bishop, Doctor, hell, he is all. I met him online, and fell hard for him. He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Boston. We met after one year of talking on the phones, internet, etc.

Well, come to find out, it was all a big joke and trick. He was either married or engaged. And after I did some research, I learned this is what he does. He gets nasty with woman online, and then goes home and be kind and sweet to his wife. They have children. He has a church, doctor’s office, etc. And, he calls himself the man that walks with God. But, he is not godly

Do I let him go on and get caught? Or, do I warn people? He calls himself a Bishop, a Doctor, Businessman. But I know better. Do I let him ruin others? Or try and stop him. – Almost The Pastor’s Mistress

“I’ve Learned He’s Been Seeing Another Woman For 3 Years & Has A Child With Her”

Dear Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Mistress,

Put his ass on blast. What are you waiting for? I would head over to Kinkos and get a blown up foam poster board with all the text and explicit email conversations printed on it. I would then head to his church and place it in the lobby of the sanctuary. I’d then sit perched in the front row. I’d wait for him to do the altar call and march right up to him, and tell him to lay his hands on me like he said he wanted to do over the phone and in the text messages.

I would also gather the other women he’s been communicating with, and all of you should march defiantly in a single file line inside the church. You all should be dressed in all black – black dresses, big black hats, long black gloves, and the big Jackie O sunglasses. Sit right next to the first lady and introduce yourselves. Say, “Hey girl! Good to see you this Sunday morning. I’m surprised that Mister was able to make it out of bed and get here on time. He was a bad boy last night.” Then slowly trace your lips with your finger.

Then, I would print all of the sexually explicit emails and texts and pictures he sent you and put them in a handout. I’d give them to each of his church members as they receive their weekly Sunday programs.

Trust me, if you don’t put him on blast he will continue to do what he’s been doing and getting away with it because no one will speak up. No one will go toe to toe with him because too many times folks put their pastors and bishops on a pedestal, i.e., Bishop Eddie Long, and when something goes down, they make the victims out to be the criminals and evil conspirators trying to harm and damage their poor pastor’s reputation. SMDH!

It’s sad because ministers, pastors, and bishops have been doing this for so long that it has become the churches inside dirty secret. And, it damages and destroys lives. The longer we keep silent and don’t say anything, the longer this will go on.  At some point someone has to make a stand and be courageous. And, it begins with women like you.

So, let his wife know what’s going, and I’m certain she already knows. Give her all the details, emails, text messages, and phone records. She may be in denial, but let her know that God doesn’t like ugly, and that she should remove the veil from her eyes. I would also call up the local media news outlets. They love stories like these, especially when it’s a man of the cloth, and he claims to be an upstanding citizen in the community. Honey, they will find out all types of dirt about him, including his dirty shenanigans in business. If he’s cheating on his wife, trust and believe, he’s cheating in his professional life as well. Now, get the hymnal book and start singing the old negro spiritual “God is trying to tell you something.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I have been in a relationship with a man for over 12 years. I love him dearly and know that he loves me. My every want and desire he gives me.

I have always suspected that he was cheating and I would have reoccurring dreams about this. He has recently told me that he has been in a relationship with a woman for three years and has an 18 month old child with her. I was obviously devastated with this news. He said that he does love her and there is nothing else between them, other than the fact that they have a child together.

He stated his desire for us to move forward past this and said that he is working on being a better man. But, I still feel a lot of hurt and anger, and the trust is no longer there. We live in different states, which definitely make it easy for him to lie and cheat. However, we commute frequently to see each other, and he said he will move to where I am. But, like I said there is a lot of hurt and anger that I am feeling. I love him and still want to be with him, and on the other hand I just do not know what to do. – Hurt And Confused

“My Man Is On Porn & Dating Websites All Day & It Bothers Me”

Dear Ms. Hurt And Confused,

Are you freaking serious right now? Really? Really! WOW!

The 12 years you’ve been together and 3 of those he’s been in a relationship with another woman and he has an 18 month old child with her, and you’re asking me if whether or not you should remain in a relationship with him. And, homeboy lives in another state as well with the said woman? Please lean close to the computer so I can reach through the screen and punch you in your right eye. The hell you send me this damn letter for!!!

Somebody please give me a shot of “Don’t-Hurt-Em,” and please knock me upside my head for reading this. I think my brain just went on hiatus. And, we all know that your brain is on a long extended 12 year vacation. Come on home, baby.

Now, let’s look at this situation closely. Whew! Jesus be a friend right now. Twelve years you’ve been with him and you’re not married? Twelve years and you don’t live in the same state? Twelve years and all of a sudden he wants to move where you are because he wants to move forward from this situation? Twelve years and now he wants to be a better man? I’m going to let you sit with those questions and let them marinate. It’s taking everything out of me to not look you up, and come and drag you out of your house and shake the –ish out of you until I see some life return into your eyes.

If he hasn’t become the man he wants to be, or the man you need him to be in the 12 years you’ve been together, then it certainly will not happen today, tomorrow, or next week. All of sudden this bum ass fool wants to be a better man because he deceived you for 3 years, bore a child with another woman, and didn’t tell you until the child is damn near two years old!!! Girl, please, please, please do not get too close to me. Not today! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!

Girl, he said to you that he loves her and there is nothing else between them other than the fact that they have a child together. Did you hear what he said, or does that retarded brain of yours do not understand anything that’s happened in the past 12 years?

What else is there to have outside of love? His heart is with her. His love is with her. I want you to pay attention, sweetie, because I know this may be a little fast for you. He has told you that he loves her. HE LOVES HER! Hello?!?!? Are you really that stuck on stupid and stuck on the d**k? Chile, I swear he must know how slow you are. He must have enrolled you in my Academy For Dumbass Women In Long Distance Relationships Who Think Their Man Is Faithful And They Can Tell Them Anything Because Stupid Is As Stupid Does.

In any of those reoccurring dreams you had about him cheating, did you get any insights, any suggestions, any indication of what you did after you discovered he was cheating? Or, were you stuck on the repetitive scene of him cheating? Clearly your psychic skills are lacking. We’re going to have to cancel your reality show, The Psychic Who Knew Too Little.

Let me tell you folks something. What you think and focus on will become your reality. What you give your attention to you will attract. Ms. Thang, you always suspected that he was cheating. The operative word is, “always.” If that is what you always felt then you got what you wanted. You focused on him cheating, and that’s what you always thought. Then guess what: He cheated. Why are you surprised? Why are you shocked and devastated? You shouldn’t be surprised, Ms. Cleo. You did have dreams about him cheating. And, that is all that you focused on.

And, you have to accept some part of the responsibility in this. You allowed yourself to have a relationship with him for 12 years and not get married, nor live in the same state, and you knew he wasn’t –ish from the jump because by his own admission he said that he is working on being a better man. That sounds to me like he’s been a dirty dog from the beginning and you knew, but you chose to look the other way, or accept his behavior. So, please tell me what person in their right mind would allow this? I’ll wait.

And, I’m not going to let asshole of the month get away with what he did either. He needs to be castrated. Like the Rev. Jesse Jackson got caught saying a few years ago on live television about President Obama, “I want to clip his nuts.” What your man did is lowdown, dirty, and trifling. He knowingly engaged in two relationships, deceiving both of you, bore a child with the other woman, and did it for 3 years. You need to be a practicing surgeon the next time you see him and “Clip his nuts.” Because this mofo didn’t and hasn’t been using any protection. He was running up in you and her, raw! WOW! And, I’m certain you two women are not the only ones he’s been dropping his seeds in.

What’s sad is that you gave him 12 years of your life, and you have nothing to show for it. Yeah, darling, what do you have in return? What can you walk away with? NOT A DAMN THING! You can’t get those years back. This fool has a whole other family in the state where he is, and you’re off in Oz trying to see the wizard. LMBAO! Girl, leave that fool alone and get yourself together. Focus on nurturing yourself, your spirit, and reclaiming your life. I’m hoping you’ll see the benefit and lesson in this. You should be glad that he didn’t leave you with a disease, or you don’t have a child with him making you another statistic. You can walk away with your head held high. You have your dignity, grace, and power. Don’t give your power over to him. Don’t allow him to have it. It belongs to you. And, don’t give him anymore of your time and energy. You’ve been letting him deflate and use you for 12 years. Let’s spend the next 12 years working on re-energizing, and re-membering how beautiful, smart, and powerful you are. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I am going to start out saying that I really don’t know what to do.

I am a single mother of two kids. My son will be 18 next month, and my daughter will be 14 on May the 1st. I have been with the same man for six years, and when we got together I was 28 and he was 43. The man came in treating my kids and I like royalty. He gave us whatever we wanted when we wanted it. Not only that, he helps me provide for my mother and my brother, who is now 39 years old, and living with my mom.

Prevent Health Hazards

Now, this man is a very good mechanic. He works on his own, and makes his own money. And, still right now he does everything that he needs to do as a man, and to keep our house afloat. I guess you are asking if I got it like this with this man, what is my complaint. Well, my complaint is that he uses drugs. Not the green stuff, but the white stuff. That’s our biggest problem. He does good sometimes, and others I just don’t know. I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.

So, I sat and prayed, and prayed and asked God to show me the way. Believe me when I say, I know God have my back. Because out of all that the man is really a good man. Sometimes I try not to judge him, because I have the habit of smoking me a joint every now and then. But, that is way different. He doesn’t judge me, so I feel sometimes why am I judging him. It’s very confusing because my friends say as long as he is taking care of home, and his business then why do I stress so much. Because I guess I stress because it’s the drug of his choice. No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug. I just need some closure, maybe a piece of mine.

My son is going to be graduating in June and off to college he goes, and we have a very open and close relationship, because before I got with this man, it was only my kids and I. He just kind of snuck up on us. But, I have to give much respect to my son because with him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything. As a matter of a fact he and my daughter love the ground he walks on. My daughter is the reason we are still here. She is a very hopeful young lady. She always say, “Momma maybe we can help daddy,” or, “If we leave him, he won’t have no body.”

I really don’t want that to be the reason I stay, and I won’t lie, I love him, I just want him to be and do better. Can you give me a little insight on what I can do to help the situation. There is one thing I do know, if God don’t change the situation, he will give you the strength to handle the situation.  – Loving A Drug Addict

“Should I Ignore The 3 Day Rule & Invite Him To Hang Out?”

Dear Ms. Loving A Drug Addict,

Well, I hate to sound morbid, but I think you should get your affairs in order, and by that I am referring to purchasing a cemetery plot, and making preparations for his passing. To knowingly remain in a relationship with a drug addict then you know what the outcome will be: Death!

And, I don’t want you falling out, wailing and throwing yourself over his casket and causing a ruckus when he does leave this earth. Folks act up and have fits when they know the person was on drugs and acting reckless with their life, but are shocked when they die. Really? Really!

It’s just like the celebrities who do drugs and we watch from the sideline. We see what it does to their life, and to those who love them. It’s unfortunate that we watch celebrities come to their own demise and watch aimlessly as they use drugs recklessly, and then when they pass everyone says, “Well, we could have done more.” Or, “I hope everyone learns from this lesson of the impact of drugs and what they can do to you.” Yet, no one listens. No one thinks it will happen to them.

However, we all have an uncle Tony, or aunt Frankie, and cousin Harold in our family that is on drugs. No one steps in to help them. We turn a blinds eye. Big Momma is the enabler, along with their spouses and mates. Giving them money so they won’t have to steal. Feeding them and staying up late at night pacing the floor waiting for them to return home. And, no one wants them over to their homes for the family events and functions because something will come up missing. All the women are clutching their purses. Then, when the party gets going, they tell everyone they are running to the store and will be right back, but either they don’t return until hours later or not at all.

In your own admission, you stated, “I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.” (*  -  *) Blank stare at you. Dummy! Yes, you dummy. You claim you are living good, (Who the hell is living good with a drug abuser in the home?) but then you say that you can have a whole lot more if he didn’t have his habit. Ugh! I swear you folks don’t think or use half the brain and common sense God has given you. I tell you stupid is as stupid does.

I am appalled at the behavior you are teaching your children. It’s beyond sad. You have taught them that drugs are ok and all you got to do is love the druggie despite the harm they are causing themselves and their family members. What’s even sadder is that your daughter said to you, “If we leave him, he won’t have nobody.” SMDH! Your daughter is going to grow up and repeat the same behavior as you. She is going to choose a man just like mommy has. And, unfortunately she will be “hopeful” that the man will change his ways one day.

And, your son. Sigh! Is that what you really want to show him how a man should be? Is that really a good representation of a good man? A man who, as you say, “With him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything.” WOW! As I’ve said over and over again, you teach people how to treat you. And, your son is getting a good education on how a man treats a woman. (I’m being sarcastic, darling)

Don’t you know that children learn by our actions? They see what we do and repeat it. You are an enabler and you’re both co-dependent on each other. And, on the real, you’re both drug users. Yeah, sweetie, that’s why you say you can’t judge him because your little pot smoking every now and then is just as bad as his coke use. You even said in your own words, “No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug.” So, how can one abuser call out another when they are doing the same thing? Do you people read what you write? You can answer your own damn letters if you pay attention. Chile, I swear the slow gene is taking over the world. I refuse to allow it to fester and grow near or around me. Get back! In the name of Jesus! I command you to get back!

And, let me ask you this, why are you enabling him? Where did you lean that behavior from? What benefit are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Do you feel obligated to him? And, I want to punch each one of your friends in their mouths. Are they in relationships with drug users or abusers? Because that will explain that asinine bull-ish they are telling you. Yeah, they are telling you to stay with him, but they are talking about you behind your back.

I’m curious to know when you met what were you going through. Were you broken? Were you down and out? Were you emotionally and mentally drained? Were you financially strapped?

You keep saying he’s a good man. So, are you trying to convince yourself about his behavior? Are you trying to outweigh his drug use with the good things he does? Please explain. Because I really don’t hope that you think his behavior is that of a good man. Because I’m certain a good man would not purposely hurt those he love, and he certainly wouldn’t be on drugs. A good man would not outwardly teach young people that using drugs is okay, either. But, that is my definition.

Oh, and for the record, if he was 43 years old when you met him six years ago, then by math and reasoning, he’s 49 going on 50, and he’s doing drugs. Uhm, sweetie, I really am going to need for you to get a grip.

And, God helps those who help themselves. If he is not willing to change or seek treatment for his addiction, then there is nothing you can do. An addict has to first admit they are an addict. Then, they have to choose to get help. But, until then, there is nothing you can do. You can offer or make suggestions to him, if he refutes them, then you have to choose to stay and deal with it, which you’re already doing, or walk away and let him deal with his own demons. Oh, yeah, how about you get some help as well. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years.

Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good.

We got married in August and I found out I was pregnant in January. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost.

We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up.

I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. It’s November and my baby’s due and our lease is up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again.  I’m on my last straw, the last days of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again,

Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is!

Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. Your fool damn self is over there listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that.

Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, i.e., He cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.”

Uhm, sorry boo boo, you may have had the pomp and circumstance of a wedding with all your friends and family present, the flower girl, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the thousands of dollars spent on feeding all those damn people, however while you were standing in your off-brand knock-off Vera Wang dress looking starry-eyed professing your vows of marriage, he was lost in space thinking to himself, “How the hell did I end up here? And, which one of these chicks I’m going to bang in the back room.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER.

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly ass broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and in your small ass heads. You thirsty ass chicks wear me so thin! You’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. And, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from these men’s nut sacs!

Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum ass dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in the equation and cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me, there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO!

Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. And, I mean take a good look at yourself, how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his ass. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, what little his broke ass has. And, put his ass on child support payments. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

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I just read an article of yours online and felt the need to inquire more advice from you.

So, here’s the deal: I met this guy 2 weeks ago at a football party. He has text me non-stop, even text good morning and good night every day. Not to mention he text as soon as we get off work. I’m pretty sure he’s a player, but because I see the best in people I am not so good at being a judge of character.

Sunday Brunch at Chicago’s Parrot Cage Restaurant

Ok, so he asked to come over one night but then when I told him he couldn’t spend the night he changed his mind. Then he proceeded to say maybe we can do dinner and a movie one night this week. I said ok. That night came. I asked him what we were going to do and he said a lot of cuddling and kissing. I reminded him that he mentioned dinner and movie. Then he said he would cook for me. After I let him know that he had to bring whatever he was cooking he decided he wasn’t about all that. So, he came over and we just hung out in my living room talking and watching TV. Then he invites me to his softball game, so I go. Then the following Friday night I finally let him sleep over. We had sex, which wasn’t that great actually. Then he came over the next night to a party I was hosting. He spent the night again but we didn’t have sex. The next day (Sunday) he decided that he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He went from wanting to date and possibly a relationship to not knowing. However, he says he doesn’t want to end things completely. I mean seriously???? Thank you for you time – What do I do now??? -  Holding Pattern

“My Boyfriend Wants Me To Add Him To My Credit Cards, But He Makes More Than Me”

Dear Ms. Holding Pattern,

I think things are pretty cut and dry. What are you missing or not clear about? I mean even Stevie Wonder can see this guy’s intentions. It’s not brain surgery or rocket science. He wants S-E-X!

What brain does some of you women, and men operate from? I’m certain that the brain God gave you is not being used or even considered for functional use. If someone invites themselves to your house or for a night of cuddling and kissing, then what about their intentions are you not sure or clear about?

Here’s a memo for all of you out there: IF YOU MEET SOMEONE AND THEY ARE TEXTING AND CALLING YOU LIKE CRAZY AND DESPERATELY AND EAGERLY WANTS TO GET TOGETHER AND HANG OUT AT YOUR, OR THEIR HOUSE, UHM, THEY DON’T WANT ANYTHING SERIOUS WITH YOU. IT’S ALL ABOUT SEX.

And, on the topic of texting; you people and these textual relationships. Do people actually call or dial numbers to hear an actual voice any longer? How can you develop and create a relationship with someone via text? Someone please explain that to me. And, the sad part is that it’s not just the younger generation, but some of you grown ass folks who are participating in this behavior. What the hell?!?!?! But, I digress.

And, another thing, when did dating become going to someone’s house and knowing the both of you are horny asses, but you convince yourself that you have all this restraint and nothing is going to go down, but then guess what happens, “It just happened.” SMDH! Dating is going out and observing someone’s behavior in public and interacting with other people, and especially with you. It’s about going to various places that the you two have in common, or exploring new adventures together. It’s not going to someone’s house and sitting in the living room watching TV. Especially not on the first date. Ugh! I can’t with you people.

But, you obviously found something you liked about him because your dumb ass kept entertaining him and his conversation. So, ask yourself why after several conversations and him being clear about what he wanted that you let him come over, have sex with him, and then get upset when he says he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but that he doesn’t want things to end between the two of you?

You left the door wide open (meaning your legs) with an invitation to your bedroom and bed, and now you want to clutch your cheap ass pearls and act like Ms. I Got Some Values And Morals And Self-Respect For Myself. LMBAO! I can’t do you today. Perhaps you should call your friend and let him do you. I don’t have the time or energy.

So, to answer your question of what to do now? Uhm, hmmm, do you want to be his booty call? Do you want to be his jump-off? Do you, and can you, handle a casual sexual relationship with him? You did state that his sex game was not all that, but I’m certain you can teach him and train him on how to handle you and your cooty-cat. LOL!

That man is not interested in anything more with you other than sex. He’s made that painfully and abundantly clear from the beginning. But, you, and like so many others don’t listen to when someone is telling you who they are and what they want. You figure if you can get them to see how holy and virtuous you are that they will succumb to your light and change their evil and trifling ways. Chile, miss me already.

He wants sex. You don’t. He wants to be friends with benefits. You don’t. What he’s communicating and expressing is not in alignment and part of your desires. Therefore cut your losses, move on, and make a note that this was a lesson learned. Know from this point moving forward that you need to listen and hear when a man is telling you what he wants. If he keeps stressing sex, sexual encounters, sexual contact, intimacy, cuddling, hugging, lounging, caressing, massages, or anything that requires body contact, then he is not interested in being in a relationship. He wants sex. Now, get back on the saddle, and mosey along. I’m certain there is a man out there who wants a relationship and will respect you and your body. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Three months later I married her friend thinking this was where I was supposed to be but I was wrong. She got pregnant and it turned out that it wasn’t even my baby. Yes it was some, “You are not the father type bulls**t.” I’ve never been done so dirty in my life. By the way my stepfather turned out to be the father. Anyway I ran into my ex wife about six months ago and we started hanging out again. We have this amazing friendship that somehow I missed out on when we were married.

Recently I’ve come to realize I still love her and I want her back. I know I messed up, but a brothas willing to beg like a fat man at KFC with no wallet. To make matters worse she told me that at the time all our divorce drama was going on she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel like s**t now.  I know she feels something for me but I can tell she’s still hurting. She’s in remission now but she’s so fragile and I don’t wanna force my feelings on her.

I know we belong together I just need her to trust me again. What do I do man? What do I do?  I’VE BEEN A DAMN FOOL

“I’m Seeing A Married Man, And He’s Waiting Until His Son Turns 18 To Leave His Wife”

Dear Mr. I’ve Been A Damn Fool

(@     @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

Are you serious right now? I mean, really? You can’t possibly be writing me thinking your wife is going to take you back. If your wife is even remotely considering taking you back she would be the DAMN FOOL!

The hell is wrong with your silly trifling no-good need your nuts clipped bull-ish are you on? You cheated on your wife with her best friend, then turned around and married the trick – (You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife). Your wife wanted to work things out, but you were so caught up on the ill na-na, because that was some community p***y. She gets pregnant and come to find out it’s not your child but your stepfather’s. And, you have the gall and audacity to say, “I’ve never been done so dirty in my life.” I can’t believe you wrote that line with any ounce of sanity!! HOW DARE YOU!?!?! I wish I could grip you in a headlock and strangle your ass to stop the air from getting to the rest of your small ass brain.

HELLO!  As dirty as you did your wife the karma that has bit you on the ass is only a small sampling of what’s to come.

Then you wrote, “We have this amazing friendship that somehow I missed out on when we were married.” Chile, SMDH! Let me ask you this, do friends do what you did to your wife? Do friends betray, deceive, and manipulate one another? You are clearly delusional if you think you and your wife are friends. I’m certain she would say something different in regards to your relationship. I’m sure your wife is singing Beyonce’s song, “Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodged a bullet….You turned out to be the best thing I never had.” She is all the better without you. Trust and believe if she is thinking of taking you back it is only to get revenge. But, because the spiritual goodness in her heart will not allow her to do so, she is smiling in your face and hopefully forgiven you for what you did to her, and she is reveling in this moment of, “See, I knew your no-good ass would come running back to me. You missed out on this good thing and didn’t realize how good you had it. So, now you’ve come crawling back wanting to get back with me.” No sir. It ain’t happening. Not going to happen.

And, Mr. Ass-Hole Of The Year, before you cheated on your wife did you think about how much you belonged together while you were laying up with her best friend? Before you asked your wife for a divorce did you think how you may be hurting your wife by sleeping with her best friend? And, before you married your wife’s best friend did you give any consideration into how wrong and trifling it was, and how your wife was probably emotionally and mentally damaged and betrayed by two people she loved? Naw, you didn’t think about any of that. You were so wrapped up in yourself, your needs, your selfish desires, and what your d**k wanted that you betrayed your wife. You stole her trust. You destroyed her dreams. You crushed her spirit. And, you’re asking me how can you get her back and gain back her trust? WOW! I truly think you are touched in the head, and I mean both of them.

Let me ask you this and I want you to be really honest with yourself – If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife cheated on you with your best friend, then came to you and asked for a divorce, and three months later she married your best friend, but it didn’t work out between them, and she came back to you asking you to take her back, would you take her back? Would you get back into a relationship with her? Would you remarry her? If your answer is “no,” then why the hell would you think your wife would consider the possibilty of getting back with you? I truly believe with all my might, all my spirit, and all my being that many of you have the slow degenerate gene in you. Something happened to damage your emotional and mental growth. And, the bull-ish you all do and put yourselves in truly is a result of the stumped growth in your development into adults.

By the way, since you were sharing community p***y, have you been tested for any diseases? Have you gone through a spiritual cleanse to remove her spirit from yours? Have you sought spiritual counseling to reprieve of your soul and get right with yourself? Have you apologzied to your ex-wife for what you did to her? Have you asked for authentic and true forgiveness for the damage you caused her?

Instead of trying to jump back into a relationship with your ex-wife, how about you get into a relationship with yourself. How about you understand who you are, and why you did what you did. How about you work on getting yourself together emotionally, mentally, and physically. And, if you truly want to be a friend to your ex-wife, just be supportive of her and her recovery during the remission of her cancer. An intimate relationship should be the last thing on your mind. What she needs more from you is an apology, asking her forgiveness, and letting her know that you are there if she needs you for support. She’s dealing with a lot and as you’ve stated, her emotional, mental, and physical being are fragile. She doesn’t need any stress. She doesn’t need to be worrying, or returning to an emotional roller coaster you took her on. You should simply let her know that you’re available for her, and allow her to reach out to you if she wants or needs you for anything. And, simply just be an ear for her. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Bad boys are certainly our modern-day forbidden fruit. Every girl knows that when you start dating a bad boy, your relationship will most likely play out as predictably as clockwork. First, you will fall (and fall hard) for his rough edges, constantly convincing yourself that he will change. (Girls, men are not like wine; they do not get better with age. Your relationship is usually at its best in the beginning!) This is quickly followed by the inevitable heartbreak. Yet, for some reason, bad boys are like drugs. Once you take one, all you want is more and more, in order to replicate that first euphoric experience. And as soon as you go cold turkey, not a day goes by that you don’t crave them, even if it is damaging to yourself.

Perhaps it is the innate female tendency to change and help these bad boys. All women want to be ‘that girl’ who can make him renounce all of his bad vices, but it’s hard to recognize one cold fact: No matter how hard we try, girls can’t make bad boys into J.Crew-wearing, flower-bringing men. Perhaps women date bad boys for the same reason we wear high heels. Because even though we are well aware when we slip on a pair of 4-inch stilettos that we are actually doing real damage to the bones and tissues of our feet, as well as our backs, and will be cursing the heels in about four hours, we wear these shoes because of the way they make us feel. We walk with a little more attitude, and we feel more desirable and like a wanton goddess. Bad boys have the same effect because they make us feel nirvana in the beginning and then inevitably we end up cursing and crying about them.

Standard rule of thumb; if you spend more time worrying if your guy is cheating on you, or you spend more time crying over him than laughing with him, you’ve got yourself a bad boy. So, from me to you: run for your life!

10 Ways To Go From Girlfriend To Wife

Is He REALLY Single? Here’s 8 Ways To Tell

Since I am known for lending relationship advice and talking candidly about sex on my radio show, I am accustomed to getting questions about relationship/sex issues so to have people just open conversation about the topic is normal. But even I was speechless about this.

Years ago I’d heard of a single case like this, with a guy who was recently released from incarceration wanting his wife to strap him – I chalked that up to him having been touched while in prison and possibly liking the experience. Maybe I was naive about the B.O.B. (Bend Over Boyfriend) some 15 years ago, but after researching the trend I am finding that it is becoming increasingly common among committed heterosexual couples.

In my most recent book, Recession Proof Relationships, I write about keeping the romance steamy by experimenting in the bedroom but when I wrote it, I wasn’t thinking STRAPPING YOUR MAN. I was leaning more along the lines of role play, voyeurism, watching porn together to find new positions, tantric sex, Karma Sutra and adding sex toys to the mix.

Needless to say, the conversation was explosive. One of the ladies, who had been married for over 12 years, said that she was initially turned off when her husband approached her about strapping him. “I was like, if he wants me to do that then he must be gay”, she said, continuing on to say “I was so confused I could barely talk to him for days.” Another woman said that her man doesn’t want her to use a strap but he likes for her to insert her vibrator in him while he’s inside of her.  Huh?

I must admit that the majority of the women were just as flabber-gasted at the entire conversation as I was. The look of bewilderment and awkward silence from the other women confirmed that while it seems to be a growing trend that it is certainly not the norm.

Here is what I have to say about strapping your man:

• Do what is mutually stimulating for you both and keeps the spice in your relationship.
• Don’t feel that you have to try something for your partner that makes your stomach queasy.
• Do communicate openly and honestly about how you are feeling.
• Don’t compromise the integrity of your intuition if your gut is saying to flee the scene.
• Do be safe about any sexual exchanges.
• Don’t tell all of your girlfriends your bedroom details (could be a little over-the-top.)
• Do whatever makes you happy.

I am a firm believer that a couple must define their own rules and determine what works for them. I also advocate for living a limitless life; having the freedom to be who you are and to do what makes you happy. I even believe in unconditional love but on the continuum of sexual fluidity the blurred lines of sexuality in men is still a conundrum to me.

Why Do Men Wife-Up Sluts?

“He Admitted To Being With A She-Male But Only After I Discovered Info On His Computer”

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I thought that Chad was completely on point. He seemed to have great understand about life, letting go and living in the present. Although I get the greatness of acceptance, I certainly do also get that people in general are not so kind, forgiving, or compassionate. So I asked a few of my male friends what that was all about and this is what I learned…

• Men do not judge the past sexual history of women nearly as harshly as other women do.

It seems that women are more concerned with who and/or how many sexual partners other women have had than men are. While a man doesn’t necessarily want his wife to have slept with the entire football team, he is more willing to overlook her sexual prowess prior to him as long as it didn’t involve his best bud or a family member.

• A man gets with the woman who makes him feel good overall.

If it is his time, if he has somehow opened the mental possibility of settling down then he wants to be with the woman who makes him feel good in every area of his life. Her having a “past” doesn’t factor into his feeling electrified, treasured and alive. If she has connected with him in a way that makes him feel totally free and at ease, then any of her added slut skills are only a plus.

• Women who were once a little slutty have a greater sense of self and how to handle a man.

Men find that some women who have carried themselves more loosely in younger years have a greater sense of self-confidence, self-worth and are not so wrapped up in neediness from her man. He likes the idea that she can stand alone and is not defined by a companion. Men also believe that her previous slutty ways have better taught her how to interact with men, making her not so controlling and domineering.

My mother always taught me to “keep a penny between my knees”, meaning not to give up the goodies if I ever wanted to get married. While I think there was a great deal of merit to what she taught me, I also think that much has changed over the years.

If there is one thing that I have learned about watching these men wife-up “sluts”, it’s; who am I to judge? What women or men do in single life is really their business and other people waste too much time (that could be spent creating, enjoying and living your own lives) sitting in judgment of others. Everyone is entitled to experience their own life as they see fit and there is nothing more important than the present moment.

So, to all of the sluts who have or are getting married…cheers to you!

5 WRONG Ways To Get Over Your Ex

Why We Like Guys Who Don’t Like Us

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I just read the article about the guy and his ex trying to sneak her way back into his life. I have a question about my situation.

I have recently married the girl of my dreams, but my ex and I have a daughter together and it gets hard sometimes not being able to stay with my daughter for as long as I want to. When I go over to my ex’s house to pick up my daughter she comes to the door in these tight ass panties and I just can’t seem to take my eyes off her. I think she is doing it on purpose, but she is taking over my mind like my dreams and everything. None of this has affected my wife though, not yet at least.  What do you think I should do? – Trying To Remain True

“I haven’t Dated A Brother Ever Since My White/Asian Ex, And I’m Afraid To Start Again”

Dear Mr. Trying To Remain True,

Well, speak up and say something! Open your damn mouth and tell your ex, “Look, I’m going to need for you to put on some clothes when I come to pick up our daughter. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful.”

But, you’re not going to say anything. You are enjoying the view, and reminiscing about the things you used to do with your ex. Those tight ass panties are causing your loins to stir. You want to rush inside the house and savagely take your ex. SMDH!

We’re all human. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re blind. It doesn’t make you all-of-sudden faithful to your wife. Yes, you married the woman of your dreams, but know that temptation is at every step in the world. No matter where you go and what you’re doing, you’re going to see things and be in situations where it’s going to make you remember how you’re still human. Your “little man” is still active and in operation. He’s going to wake up. But, it takes restraint. It takes your human spirit of morality, love, and desire to be faithful, true, and honest to not only yourself, but your wife.

But, why are you acting brand new with me. If your ex comes to the door in her panties, uhm, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what she’s doing.  Every time you come over she’s always in her panties? Boy, please! You have to set the boundaries. You have to man up and stop acting like your 16-years old.

I want to punch you in the back of your head. Over there talking about, “I just can’t seem to take my eyes off her. I think she is doing it on purpose, but she is taking over my mind like my dreams and everything.” Uhm, close your damn eyes! Turn away! Don’t go in the house when you go to pick up your daughter. Stay outside. As a matter of fact, call and tell your ex that she needs to meet you outside and to bring your daughter out to the car. As a matter of fact, change the pick-up location for your daughter. Have her meet you in a mutual location, in public. Don’t engage in small talk. Just pick up your daughter and leave!!! You see how simple that is? I swear some of you men have no balls. You claim to be a man, yet you freeze up with that dumb ass stupid look on your face looking like Forrest Gump. Ole’ special needs ass!

And, if she’s taking over your dreams and everything, then you have a problem. Chile, it sounds like someone is p***y-whipped. Somebody’s been laced with some good na na, and don’t know how to let it go. I’m here to tell you to turn and walk away from the crack p***y. It’s dangerous.

But, on the real, you’ve started the process for cheating. The only thing standing between you and your ex is you! If you’re dreaming about her, and you are having thoughts about being with her, eventually you will want to make it a reality. You will convince yourself that the reasons you’re thinking and dreaming of her is because the two of you are supposed to be together. You’ll start having conversations with yourself wondering if you made the right choice in leaving her, and marrying your wife. Honey, trust me, folks always find a way to justify what they’re doing. And, right now you’re trying to justify your ole heathen ways. “In the name of Jesus, I rebuke you!” Where’s my Holy water?!?!

But, here is the kicker. You said, “None of this has affected my wife though, not yet at least.” What the hell you mean, “Not yet at least?” You are silly. Real silly. That statement alone means you have thought about just sneaking in and getting it in one last time. You tell yourself that you’ll do it one more time just so that you can get it over with and move on. Or, you’ve thought about letting her slide down on you, riding you like a champ a few good times. Your wife won’t know. You’ll make it quick. Rush in, put the head in, and a few humps and it’ll be over. Boy, BYE!!! The next thing you know your baby’s momma will be pregnant again, and she’ll be calling your wife giving her the blow-by-blow of how it all went down, and when in the heat of the moment you told her that you loved her.

Keep your narrow ass out of the house, and out of the coochie! You are married! Move on and move forward. Work on making your marriage a bond between you and your wife that is undeniably built on trust, honesty, and faithfulness. Don’t be another statistic. Don’t be another man caught up in the moment. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Stop thinking with your little head. It’s obvious it doesn’t have a brain just like your big head. Use restraint and use good judgment. One mistake will be the demise to you and everyone around you. (Takes and throws the Holy water on the computer and at you!) “Get back! Stay back!” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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I have this friend… let’s just call her ‘Sue’ to protect her from the ass whoopin’ I’m about put on her in this blog. Not too long ago I dropped some very juicy “scoop” on her, and I mean juicy. Sue made the ‘ol girlfriend promise of not ever repeating the “scoop.” Never did I think I would have to break out the rules of engagement with this chick, because I thought it was a cardinal rule: when you say you’ll keep your mouth shut, you do it, and that includes not repeating a secret to anyone, even your man. However, Sue goes back and spills all the beans to her man. I guess the scoop was so good she just couldn’t hold it in. A couple of weeks go by, a group of us are at a dinner party together, and the subject of my scoop walks through the door. What does Sue’s husband do? Whispers in the oh-I’m-talking-about-you way to Sue and starts to giggle. WTF – are you kidding me?!?

Not only did that draw attention to them, but it was so obvious that they were talking about the “scoop” I told Sue in confidence. I had to go over and confront her about it. She admits to telling her man, and swears up and down that he won’t tell anyone. Again – are you kidding me? Men gossip just as much as women, maybe even more. The main reason for this is that they have fed into the myth that only women gossip, then they turn around and do the exact same thing and call it “hanging with the boys.”

Ladies, I am not saying you shouldn’t confide in your man; just don’t let it be with your friend’s “scoop.” Don’t give your man any ammunition to say something slick about your friends. Men come and go, but your friends are with you forever. Trust me, marriage does not mean forever. Sadly.

Mrs. Layla
Blackplanet.com/mrslayla

Can Men & Women Really Be ‘Just Friends’?

Why I Will Never Like Hanging Out With Your Friends

The Extra Ordinary Man compares himself to other Ordinary men. He is not interested in doing or being Extraordinary. He is only interested in being better than her last guy. He is basically only doing a little bit more than the Ordinary Man because his woman asked him to. The Extra Ordinary Man is the guy that does the job of the Ordinary Man and then adds a little extra by paying all the bills and then thinking that money makes for a happy, successful relationship. “I pay all the bills, I don’t know why she is not happy.” How about the guy that says, “I am home every night,” as if being home every night counts for something. What’s funny about doing just a little bit extra, is that it is extra of the same. It’s not more, it’s extra. It’s not better, it’s just extra. You may hear an Extra Ordinary Man say, “I do my part,” but to be Extraordinary it is not about what you do, it’s about who you are. Too many men are focusing on what they are doing instead of developing who they are as a person.

I was an Extra Ordinary Man. To become an Extraordinary Man I had to develop my person. I had to become more man. The problem with being an Extra Ordinary Man in 2011 is that the 2011 Woman wants an Extraordinary Man, whether she is Extraordinary, Extra Ordinary or Ordinary. Seems unfair initially but after careful analysis of the structure of marriage a man must come to the realization that God left Adam in charge. Additional responsibility comes with being in charge. Additional sacrifice comes with being in charge. To be in charge means that you are charged with being Extraordinary.

Read More About The Extra Ordinary Man vs The Extraordinary Man

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When To Let An Ex-Lover Back Into Your Life

“I Need My Children’s Father Support To Raise The Kids, But I Don’t Need Him In My Business”

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

This is what I’m going thru and what should I do?

My question is that of 2 parts. One is that after being in an 11 year relationship, and 10 years engaged, is it time to call it over?

Any time I bring up a wedding date once or 2 times a year we get into a big fight about it, and it never gets solved. What would you do?

And, the second part is that sex has gone to 1 time a year!! We haven’t had sex since March 9th 2010??? And we’re in May of 2010 go figure? But, I can drive her around all the time when she needs to go places. But, if I don’t feel like driving she blows a head gasket over it because she hates driving. But, she drives to work as well as I do 5 days a week.

Tell me what you think I should do – Want To Get Married

“I Want To Remain A Virgin While Dating”

Dear Mr. Want To Get Married,

Uhm, well, damn, damn, damn, and shame on it all! You’ve been in an 11 year relationship, and 10 of those years engaged, what the “F” do you think you should do you big dummy? You have got to be the dumbest and most stupidest man walking on this side of the earth.

I mean come the “F” on! You’re engaged to a woman and every time you bring up the subject of setting a wedding date it results into a big fight? And, you’re sticking around. WOW! You’ve just given a new meaning to the definition of p***y whipped. And, you can’t be p****y whipped because she’s only giving it to you one time a year. HOT DAMN! It’s time be out that piece. Throw up the deuces and bounce!

WOW! WOW! WOW! I mean, really? Your girl isn’t breaking you off with no loving, sexing, or physical contact? You’re not even touching, or tasting it. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t be sticking around waiting on anybody especially a 10 year engagement, and then on top of that no sex. Chile, puhlease. It ain’t that much right hand action in the world. I know you got blue balls.

And, who the hell is engaged for 10 years? Where they do that at? Please, lawd, let me contain myself because I just want to shake the –ish out of you and rattle your brain back in place.

Either you’re desperate, old, ugly, or mentally challenged. And, I’m gathering you’re probably all four. Ain’t no way in hell no woman wouldn’t want to get married and you’re going above and beyond for her. I’m taking a stab in the dark here and assuming that you’re faithful, and she still doesn’t want to marry you? Whew! I think you need to lay off the malt liquor, Newports, and wash your crusty ass.

But, thetruth.com is that she may have another man, or men, on the side and you’re the home piece she can rely on. And, if she is pimping you and the other men like that, she’s the true definition of a gangster. And, you’re her bottom b***h.

Look, Mr. Want To Get Married, she’s not going to marry you. She doesn’t love you, like you, or find you remotely attractive. She’s bilking you, taking your money, and using you. Why are you sticking around and waiting on someone who picks a fight with you about a marriage date, and you’ve already popped the question? You know what’s so unattractive about you other than that pot belly (I’m assuming you got one), and those crusty ashy feet, and musty balls, is a man who is whiny, spineless, and no backbone. She is running over you like those fake Manolo’s she’s pumping up and down the street in. Get you some self-esteem, cut that nasty ass beady hair off your chest and around your nuts, get into a gym and build some muscle tone, get a haircut and cut that damn curly tail, a pedicure and manicure, and trust and believe her tune will change about you. But, it will be too late. Move on, get into a church, ask for deliverance from her spirit and to loose the ties between you, and ask God to bring a woman into your life that will appreciate and love a man like you. So, when she asks you to take her someplace because she doesn’t want to drive, then you take her to the furthest Wal-Mart. I’m talking about way out where there is nothing around but a dust crop and no buses. Drop her ass off, and she hobbles her ass into the store, you pull off, leave her wanna-be gangsta self there, and go home, pack your –ish, and bounce. Don’t waste another day, minute, or hour. And, I’m giving you a pass to go and get yourself some good head and ass! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a question for you, now-from a guy’s perspective.

I have always known I am a great “catch”- and before you start on arrogance, sometimes it’s simply the truth. I’m very good looking, I was raised very well by my mother and with my sister to guide me and boost my confidence growing up by showing me off to everybody, and with my brother to boost my “alpha-male” ism to realize that the true alpha male is educated, well mannered, resilient and strong.

I am quite brilliant scholastically and have never had any issues whatsoever in my relations with women-as far as understanding and still being friends with every woman I have ever slept with. With regards to relations I have a very clear picture of the woman I need, and always have. It doesn’t mean I am not attracted to others, but when I know it won’t work-usually almost immediately-I tell the woman and explain why, but offer, if she wants, for us to be intimate-but with the understanding that it will never, ever work-no matter what. Never.

I say this because I’m always working, either on one thing or another, and I know what it means to sometimes just want someone to cook for-in the intimate, flirty way and not the soup kitchen or buffet way. Most women get that, and we get together and we are usually very freaky, mainly because of the basis of us never being more, and within the stipulations of the deal we are very happy until something or other pulls us apart. We then usually part for some time, meet again and we’re friends, because, at least in my case, my lifestyle and behavior changes and having explored whatever side of me that woman appealed to I’m now digging for more. This has been my life-my whole life, until the last one.

Myth: Men Are Not Willing To Court Women Anymore

Beautiful, and on the surface everything I wanted. I told myself, as I am so capable in forging relationships where we can be as freaky as we want to be that when I settle down if I put in the effort and be adaptable to something I never in my life tried before-the “girlfriend to wife” experience, as I would never date someone who isn’t wife potential, and therefore had more control over my life.

I didn’t know that the girl had baggage; whereas I live by the “truth hurts, if you’re scared go to church” law where if it’s on the table and you’re ok with it don’t bother me later rule, she was lying about everything, and drama to high heaven and overall, while she was supportive and made for good company when she wanted to, she was such a miserable, unholy monster at a flick of the switch that I was, at the end, dumping her so frequently, before she’d cry, call my mom to “explain” then my mom would tell me to be “more forgiving and more understanding”-and I would try, taking the adage “playing the fool in the relationship” to the next level, before more drama and the cycle continued.

I finally called her on it, and told her to either shape up or we’re done-and she left. This was seven years into the relationship, if we don’t count an 11 month courtship where she was studying me and portraying herself as my compatible mate.

It took me another six months or more of counseling before I was ok with it all-there was even more drama and revelations after she left, and honestly a movie of the week could not tell it better. I, when it was done and she was asking for friendship and I told her the same qualities of friends are those of lovers-so all the lies and games needed to be addressed and answered for, gave her the option of earning my friendship by facing what she did and the harm it caused.

She refused, and became belligerent and even more drama came out of it. My mom, who knows how I keep the world away with only two close friends that I’ve known 26 years and we still call each other on birthdays and our families are close-besides my family, with the rest of the world distant acquaintances defined by purpose (co worker, gym partner, etc) begged me to understand that we all have our problems and to forgive. I told her forgive doesnt mean to continue to put up with, and with this girl not addressing her -ish it would only happen again, even as a friend.

A year and a half of her messaging over something and my being civil and answering, then trying to talk to me and when I bring up the point I made belligerent behavior to cut the talk short, just to do it again, and will birthdays and holidays and everything having passed, she this year sends me a happy birthday greeting.

Now, to me, this was absolute madness. Granted, she has made a point to maintain friendships with my family-the females, anyway, and I have no problem with that-they know not to talk about me with her, and we’re seeing if the roots will hold or if after not getting info on me she will eventually drift, but her and I are not friends.

I don’t believe I could ever hate someone-I have disgust for certain ways, and that sort of thing, but even now can say I have never hated, and I especially don’t hate someone I spent eight years trying like I feel people should to understand and forgive and work with-but I made plain as day that her disrespect and unwillingness to respect my needs to move forward makes her unwelcome-over and over again.

A year and a half later, and I am so thoroughly turned off from relationships of any sort that I have turned down many lovely women-including one who blasted me dumb, completely unable to even explain that I was going down the block when we bumped into each other-and we know each other, because if anything she was even more beautiful than when I last saw her-and again, if you understand my life and ways that just doesn’t happen, except for her and the ex, and I have become even more reclusive in nature, putting together two businesses that are now running themselves and working on yet another degree while working in my chosen field and still accepting contract work for a field in some other degrees I have.

How To Tell If You’re Dating A Gold Digger

I guess my question is: is this woman simply crazy-or evil, trying to push the limits of my patience and understanding for some reason known only to her? There’s no attraction or want left-just the same level of “what’s wrong with people today” that I generally reserve for everyone. Even my mom understood how inappropriate it was to send me greeting after essentially telling me to be friends but my feelings don’t matter for a year and a half, and she didn’t back her up, for once.

I’m all about “if you know you have issues and are willing to face them then ok, if you want, I will help” and that sort of thing-but this doesn’t seem to be that. Malice is not a prerequisite for anti-social behavioral disorders, either, so my not picking up ill intent doesn’t mean anything, either.

Should I want to be friends with such a person? How best do I hammer home the annoyance I feel at explaining the dynamics of the obvious to someone who has known and lived with me for close to a decade? Ideally, if I am able to be friends with casual ones then someone like that-it would be nice to at least be able to say hi in passing, and maybe emailing on the b-day…what do you think and suggest? Even thinking about this only turns me off more of dealing with the madness of a new relationship-or even something like I had before. I have gone “black monk” style, and as I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs or anything that really was my last vice.

~To give you an even better picture-I hated candy growing up, spinach stew is my favorite anything-only if my mom makes it, buying a new book is the equivalent of a Friday “night out” for me, I carry less than 7% body fat, speak four different languages, four degrees-almost at five, no kids, no debt, and I love to cook-and am a great one. I hate to clean and it’s usually my woman that I’ll make be the sociable one, and with a few smiles and nods I’m sociable by default-unless there’s a purpose, then I’m fine, but “small talk” kills me-especially “just because.” My closest friends are an Engineering Professor and the other is a Chef and I picked up my love of reading from my father and brother, and my father and I would translate the Bible in our spare time together.

My mom’s pastor shares the same birthday as I do, and we argue all the time on issues of the bible; I have made a life study of various spiritual and religious ways of being and thought.

I also have 26 years of martial arts, competed for 13, have stitched my own wounds, have beaten up 60 guys while working full time as a bouncer and going to school full time-by myself, I never believe that “but and because” is an excuse for poor behavior, and, like I said, whatever I wanted-to sleep with twin sisters, a girl and her best friend, one of my supply teachers, a girl in a…you get the point, my rule was be honest and let her, as a grown woman, decide. So, I think I’m a good man and in need of an idea of the most “right” way of handling someone who seems to want to be in contact, despite so many evil things, because of the years and the effort I put in and the tragic sad feel I have about it all, and whether simply telling her “call me when you can face your evil ways-otherwise never-ever call me, unless something comes up that absolutely no one else that you know of on God’s Earth can help you with. Also, I’ll never lend you money, but I will give it to you, on the premise that you can never ask for that type of help again. A one time favour!” is sufficient to warrant never replying and blocking her emails until some indicator of that day comes. Thanks and looking forward to this. – An Educated Man

“We Snooped On Each Other & She Found A Naked Video I Sent To My Friends”

Dear Mr. An Educated Man,

I wish I could reach through this computer and punch you in the brain! What the hell kind of –ish are you on sending me a 3 PAGE LETTER! Boy, you ain’t Aaliyah (God Rest Her Soul), and you didn’t even seal it with a kiss.

Chile, I swear, after reading your letter I got an insider’s look into what an educated fool must look and sound like. You spend so much time working on you and fixing yourself up to be this great catch, and one woman came in and tore it all down. LMBAO! I can’t, but I loves it! But, you know what, I bet you got a small d**k because ain’t no way you can have all them degrees, foreign language skills, companies you’ve created, debating on religious philosophies with a pastor, no debt, no kids, good-looking, and a great cook, and not be overcompensating for something. Chile, puhlease, miss me!

This woman, with all her drama, lies, baggage, bull-ish, and manipulation created havoc in your life for seven years before you discovered any of it and then you called her on it, and she decided to bounce. WOW!  Uhm, but, who’s the big dummy? Yeah, I’m giving you a big fat “F” for FOOL!

Here’s the thing, Mr. All-That-Education-Body-Brain-But-No-Common-Sense, before you started dating seriously you courted her for 11 months, and you mean to tell me that in that courting period you didn’t recognize, or see any indicators of her ill-behaviors? I truly doubt it and don’t believe you didn’t see any signs of her conniving ways. I’m sure you were caught up, and like most people do when they are really into someone, you dismissed the tell-tale signs and figured she would change, or you would change her. And, everyone who reads my column knows what I’m about to say, and I need for the entire class to say it with me, “When people show you who they are believe them.”

Trust me, in those 11 months she displayed some of those behaviors, but you chose to dismiss them. That’s because you figured your book smarts, that big ass ego (wait, where’s my needle so I can deflate some of that air in your head), and believing your own hype (chile, I can see you now pumping your hand in the air cheering yourself on and giving yourself a pat on the back).

But, even the bigger mistake you made after you broke it off with her and she wanted to be friends, you present her with the proposition that to be her friend is that of the same qualities of friends are those of lovers. I see why you don’t have many female friends, and I’m certain many readers will see why some men can’t be friends with women.

No, you don’t need to be friends with her. But, you left the door open and she is not going anywhere, because like you, there is some unfinished business that you two need to resolve. If you want her completely out of your life then block her emails, block her calls or change your number, return any packages she sends to your home, and the women in your family need to stop being friends with her. What they hell they got to talk about? Why is she still coming to the house and hanging around? As long as she sees a door open she is coming in, and unfortunately you haven’t shut the door. So, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!

And, another thing I noticed in your LONG DRAWN OUT PROSEY ASS LETTER is that you are a momma’s boy. Yup. You sure are. You rely a lot on your mother and she interferes in your affairs. You need to get off the titty. You’re too damn old to be running to your momma crying and whining about a woman who did you wrong. Really? Really! You’re going to sit in your momma’s lap and let her stroke your ego and tell you that you are her little man and she ain’t going to let nobody hurt you. And, then she goes into the kitchen and prepares for you your favorite spinach stew to make it all better. Man, get the “F” out of here.

You got a lot of nerve bragging about your attributes, the amount of women you’ve had and conquered (That’s a hoe in my book), and swinging your little ass nuts like you’re King Kong. Then, you go even further to say how you can speak four different languages –working on a fifth, yet you can’t speak the language of love. The last relationship got you so shook that you can’t even think straight. You’re afraid to get in another relationship. You brag about beating up 60 guys while working as a bouncer when you were in school, yet one woman came along and slayed your ass. Knocked you the f**k out!

Look, Mr. An Educated Man, you loved, gave a woman your heart, and she played you. She manipulated and deceived you. Yes, I know it hurts. It’s hard to let someone go when you’ve been with them for 8 years, and you lived together, only to discover they were not the person they presented themselves to be. Yes, we all get hurt. We all have experienced a love lost. We all have been manipulated or deceived at one time or another, but that doesn’t mean you can’t move on. That doesn’t mean you won’t ever find love again, or even live happily ever after in a beautiful world made up of romance and passion. But, the only way to get there is to let go of the past. You can’t move forward holding on to the past. You can’t make any progression holding on to what happened, and what someone did to you. Let it go. Learn to forgive her, and yourself. You’re hurting because you want to know, “How did I let this happen to me?” You’re smart, educated, good-looking, and have everything a woman would desire, yet, you didn’t recognize someone who would take advantage of you. You may say you moved on, but if you have then why is she still coming around? If you don’t want her around, and want her out of your life, then stop letting her in. Stop communicating with her. UGH! A person can only enter your life with your permission. Stop granting her access, and I mean cut off all ties. You’re a smart man, I’m certain one of those academia books got something in there on how to cut people off. Or, something you learned in martial arts class on how to chop and drop kick someone out of your life. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My daughter’s mother and I have been off and on for 4 and a half years. Although a long term relationship never developed we have remained to be close and supportive on raising our daughter as a team. We’ve gone through so many problems and fights that I highly doubt we would work out as a couple but recently I have actually overlooked the past problems we’ve had (the disrespect of each other’s family, the late night one sided shouting matches, the phone calls to the authorities) and have tried to clean up my trysts to be a quality boyfriend.

In the past I was not interested in committing long term to anyone. I’m only 23 years old. Two months ago, she has made it clear that over the 4 1/2 years she has had a friend that she loves and grown interested in being with. I mean she pulled out all of the stops to make it known that she is heavily interested in him, going as far to mention he wanted to marry her and she regrets not going forth with it. I will admit that it stung given I do deeply care for her, but I understand that if I do not commit someone else will and if it bothers me then I have no one to blame but myself. I voiced my feelings but I was supportive of her decision. Her seeing my genuine aspect on the situation, she elected to break it off with him and pursue something with me. For once I was apt to it. But now I do not know what to do.

A few weeks ago she had left a conversation open that she had with him. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. After such I did approach her about it, but I expressed that it was none of my business. I was wrong to even invade her personal privacy and sincerely apologized. I could have easily just chalked it up and kept it secret but I’m trying to be upfront and honest more. My point is I recognized that it was not for me to see because it didn’t concern me (regardless some of the conversations were about me).

Now that the back story has been provided… Those 2 months prior while we were having major issues, I must stress that we were not in a committed relationship (that’s evident since she was entertaining marriage with him). I am pretty proud of my “lower region” and during one night of extreme boldness, I made a video of myself showing off my package. I then sent it to any friend who had an interest in seeing what qualities I possess below the belt. I have no shame in what I done because that’s my personal business that doesn’t affect anyone but me and the persons I sent it to.

Well recently, my daughter’s mother was going through my e-mails and found the string of outgoing e-mails of me sending it to people. Mind you this happened 2 months ago so she would have had to search to find something incriminating. Her findings led to a one-sided argument wherein I had no remorse over the situation. In fact I felt it was similar to me violating her personal space. However, not once during the argument did she admit her wrongdoing or even apologized. Also, in the group of people was a bi-sexual male friend who enjoys seeing such. I don’t mind because with most friends it’s a “look at what you can’t touch.” But her noticing his name, she proceeded to call me gay and wondering if I am really bi-sexual. I have no attraction to him at all, or any male in that regard. I’m guilty of just showing off, no matter what gender the eyes are.

My questions are: What’s the difference between her snooping and my snooping? Am I wrong to not feel an ounce of remorse? Am I really gay and just don’t know it!?! I need it straight from my gay best friend! – Trying To Make Sense Of It All

“My Husband Has Been Cheating For The Past Year & She’s His Fiance”

Dear Mr. Trying To Make Sense Of It All,

Uhm, wow, okay. So, you just going to pull your d**k out, make a video of it, send it to all your friends, including your bi-sexual male friend, and you want to know if you’re gay or bi-sexual and don’t know it, and if your should feel any ounce of remorse. Hmmmm, what do you think? Chile, I tell you the slow gene is running rampant. I’m so glad I didn’t eat those school lunches. The kids today are digesting those hormonal injected products and it’s affecting their brains, i.e. you, Forrest Gump, whose brain in your manhood is larger than the brain on your shoulders.

I mean let’s re-evaluate what you did. And, I need for you to sit your ass in the front row of this class. And, stop rocking back and forth clapping your hands and making those funny noises. I don’t have time for this.

You sent a video of your d**k to a male friend whom you know is bi-sexual just to let him know big you are in your lower region, and to say, “Hey, look what you’ll never get and can’t touch.” I’m sorry, but err uhm, I don’t know any straight man who would send a video of his d**k to another man just to show him what he has and to flaunt it for another man. So, are you gay or bi-sexual and just don’t know it? I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I was really rooting for you and thought to myself, “Well, he’s young. He was just showing off and wanted to do something bold and outrageous. And, perhaps he was upset over his child’s mother and the situation she had with the other guy.”  But, then I thought about it long and hard, and then I asked some heterosexual men. Yes, I took a poll (much bigger than yours I bet. LOL!).

When I told these men what you had done their first response was silence. Yes, each man got quiet on me. And, of course I got the blank stares (*  *).  Sort of like every reader who has read your letter and thought, “What the F**K!” So, after these men went silent, I repeated what you did. Then, ironically, each man said to me, “He did this intentionally? He knowingly sent it to another dude?” I swear to you they all asked me these questions. So, I said, yes that you knowingly and intentionally sent it to another dude. And, you know what all of these men said about you, “HE’S GAY!”

Now, you said you are not attracted to him, and that you have no attraction to any guy whatsoever. But, ask yourself this question and then I’m done with your silly “wanting to experiment but scarred narrow ass,” part of your letter. If you are not attracted to him, have no interest in him, and you don’t like men, then why would you send a video of your d**k to another man? What is the purpose in that? Obviously something within you wanted to get some pleasure out of it, and if you get pleasure out of letting another man view, admire, and desire your man meat then maybe, just maybe there is something you are denying within yourself. You can digest it, marinate on it, and let it simmer while you figure it out, but I’m moving on.

Here is the thing: You and your child’s mother don’t belong together. Let her go. Let her be with the other man. The only reason she got a response out of you and got you to show some interest is when she mentioned to you that another man had asked her to marry him. Why do you want to interrupt her happiness and her well-being if she is in love with someone else besides you? Good gosh, where do you young people come from? Is the government working on some secret labs some place and messing with your brains? Ugh!

And, you two don’t trust one another. All this snooping around and invading each other’s privacy. What the “F”? And, no there is no difference between her snooping and your snooping. You’re both wrong! And, please tell me why you want to be with someone and you can’t trust them? SMDH! But, you know what, both of you got exactly what you deserved. That’s what happens when you start checking someone’s email, phone, pants pockets, purses, and bedrooms. You’re not going to be happy with what you find. Y’all are truly special and I mean special needs. I don’t understand how you two were able to procreate with your helmets knocking into one another. Maybe that’s why you’re developed so largely in your lower region because every place else you’re severely lacking.

Look, Mr. Trying To Make Sense Of It All, you’ve already mentioned that in the four and half years in an off and on relationship with your child’s mother that you highly doubt anything would ever manifest into something serious. So, what’s the problem? What are you asking me? Your past problems with her are tell-tale signs of what to expect in your future. Sure, you can change, and so could she, but in the four and half years of drama, stress, and aggravation is it really worth it? Chile, puhlease! You better get yourself together, move on, find a dude, I mean a woman, who loves you for you and wants to be with you. Find someone you are willing to work on building a relationship with, and let him, I mean her, be a part of your life. Continue to be a father to your child, work with your ex on maintaining a good relationship of open communication and support for your child. That is what really matters in the long run. And, don’t fret, you’ll find the right guy, I mean girl, to call your own. In the meantime, stop sending videos of your d**k to folks. It’s time to grow up and act your age, and not your d**k size. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I am a 20-year old college student and I’ve been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for almost a year. I have never been serious with any girl before this relationship and I am very happy with the way things are going. She is like my other half and I’ve never been more comfortable being myself around any other girl. It’s no secret that I value this relationship.

My girlfriend and I have had intimate conversations in the past and she always talks about how much she loves and trusts me. This kills me because when we first became a couple, I had an encounter with the girl I was sleeping with prior to our relationship who had gone away to school. I bumped into her at a club. She was in town from school. After the club, I received a text from her asking me to come over to her friend’s house. Next thing I know, I’m laying in the bed with her and we start kissing and we were naked before I knew it. By the way, I’m still a little buzzed from drinking at the club earlier. Anyway, I climb over her about to put it on her but I suddenly had a change of heart and got off the bed and got dressed. She was very understanding when I told her that I didn’t want to cheat and promised to never speak about it.

I have not had sexual contact with anyone other than my girlfriend since but I feel like telling her a secret like this could mess up the relationship because technically I still cheated. I do not want to give her trust issues for future relationships in case we separate one day. I am also afraid she will leave me and if she does take me back, she will not care to be faithful because she will feel her cheating is justified and it will bring more heartbreak and I’m not sure if I can bear it because I’ve never been hurt before. I was thinking if I bury this nobody will get hurt but I feel terrible because she really trusts me and I have already broken that trust. Should I tell her? – My Conscience Kills Me

“We Met In Vegas, Hit It Off & Been Intimate, But Now He’s Ignorning Me”

Dear Mr. My Conscience Kills Me,

SMDH! I mean really, mister man. Really! You college kids wear me out talking about faithful relationships, and being in love, yet, you’re on campus surrounded by your thirsty hormones.

Now, check this out, I noticed throughout your entire letter that your concern is about sparing your hurt, being dumped, and jeopardizing the trust that you betrayed. I also noticed how you said that your girlfriend talks about how much she loves and trusts you, yet, nowhere in your letter do you say anything about your love and trust for her. I’ll let you ponder that for a moment.

So, let me ask you this, because I love how folks always want to play the victim, but don’t want to take full responsibility for their actions. Let’s say you do love and trust her. And, let’s say the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want your girlfriend to tell you that when the two of you first start dating, a guy she used to sleep around with met up with her at the club, she went home with him, they got naked and fooled around, but at the last minute she had a change of heart and couldn’t go through with it? So, you wouldn’t want to know?  How would you react if she did tell you? Would you stay in the relationship knowing this information? Or, would you move forward and work it out and hope that it wouldn’t happen again because she loves you and you love her?

Oh, this is good, and I know it’s a lot of questions for you to consider. But, you’re in college and I hope you got some sense. Just think of it as the ACT or SAT of relationships. But, then again, you’ve already failed. You see, I know you wouldn’t stay in the relationship with her because as a man you’d feel as if another man has taken what is yours. You would call her all types of hoes, sluts, and tramps. But, isn’t that what you are? BOOM! BAM! POW!

Dishonesty is dishonesty no matter how you want to play this out. If you don’t say anything it will eat away at your conscience, as it already is. It’s killing you, isn’t it? You think about it constantly. Chile, that’s what happen when you do wrong. And, in my Celie from The Color Purple voice, “Until you do right by me, everything you do gon’ fail.” Honey, that is the line of the millennium. And, she ain’t never lied.

And, if you do decide to say something, you stand the chance of losing your girlfriend, her trust, and her commitment to you. Yes, there is the chance she will break up with you, and there is the chance she will be hurt-broken and may stay in the relationship but she will always wonder if you’ll do it again. And, if she decides to stay she may say, “You know what? He cheated on me, so I’m going to go out here and show him how it feels to be hurt by someone you love.” Then, she has sex with some guy. So, basically you’re assed out, just like you were when you were in the bed with your former sex partner. Chile, you should have gone ahead and stuck in it. Because if you do say anything to your girlfriend, and although you didn’t go through with the act, she won’t hear it the way you explained. Just like you said, you still cheated.

I mean come the “F” on Mr. I-Think-With-My-Little-Head-And-Not-My-Big-Head, or whichever is bigger, LMBAO! You had what I like to call, “premeditated sex.” Don’t y’all steal my term. LOL! When you bumped into your former sex partner at the club, and then afterward you received the text from her, you could have simply told her “I can’t come over. I’m in a relationship.” Or, you could have not responded at all. You could have stayed your narrow horny ass home and used your good five fingers to do the job. But, you didn’t. The flashbacks of the sex with her made your loins stir, and you couldn’t resist being up in her again and you dashed over there ready to pounce. So, no, I don’t have pity for you. No, I am not going to sit here and tell you don’t say anything. You made this bed, now lie in it and be a man about it and accept the consequences be what they may.

Honesty is the best policy. If you want a relationship with someone who is loving, trusting, and worthy of your heart, and theirs, then you’ve got to be honest. You’ve got be trustworthy, and you’ve got to faithful. Temptation is all throughout the world, and there is a biblical scripture that states, which is actually the Lord’s prayer you should be saying every day, “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

So, man up. Get your balls out your hand and tell your girlfriend what happened. Apologize and let her know it will never happen again. Tell her how much you love her, and that you will do whatever is needed to regain her trust. Whatever she decides is up to her. You just have to accept the consequences and live with them. We all have choices in life. And, since you want to act grown and be an adult, then accept grown ass folks responsibilities. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Get a load of this: A female friend of yours is marrying this very handsome and dapper financier at a lavish Atlanta ceremony in June.  You have really grown close to this woman in the last five years or so. She has a gay brother and loves gay people. Or so she says. Him, not so much.  Everyone and their mother seems to be getting invited to her wedding and all of her many nuptial celebrations. You’re not. What’s the score? Would you be offended that she didn’t invite you to her wedding?  When you mention this to her, she just smiles and say, “Awww, I understand,” or “It’s a small wedding.  A lot of people weren’t invited.” – Soon To Be Former Friend Of The Married Woman

“I Caught My Fiance & Sister About To Have Sex, But She Says It Was Rape”

Dear Soon To Be Former Friend Of The Married Woman,

Let’s get one thing straight, she is not your friend! It’s very shady and very déclassé for her to claim to be your friend, and I can only imagine the support you’ve shown her throughout the five years you’ve known one another, and then to not invite you to her wedding. WOW! Talk about pulling the shades down every so slowly and closing the door in your face. That is FIERCE!

But, I gather it has more to do with her very handsome and dapper financier and his disdain for gay people. And, in order to save face, and her marriage, she would rather lose you as a friend. Oh, I’m sure they had a discussion about you attending the wedding, and notice I said “a discussion,” because I am certain after she brought it up the first time he let it be known his feelings of you not attending, and after that it was no longer a topic of further discussion. And, it’s nothing personal, and I wouldn’t even take it personal, but if I were you, I would put her right in her place. Give her a piece of your mind and let it be known how you truly feel about being shaded.

And, yes, this is her moment. This is her day, and most weddings are filled with the people who love them and they want to share that day with them. Unfortunately, you are not one of the chosen ones. You are not considered a “loved” one that they wish to have in their presence to acknowledge as they exchange their wedding vows. Oh, yeah, I am going for the jugular here, because I know that weddings are when you have the house/church/backyard/beach/or wherever packed with people. There is no limit on who can attend the wedding. Now, had it been the reception, then I would have understood. There is the accounting of people, food, liquor, and space. But, she didn’t even invite you to any of her nuptial celebrations. Chile, what more of a clue do you need that she is not your friend. And, I hope she doesn’t expect for you to get her a gift. I wish I might! Bitch please!

Look, it’s time that you let bygones be bygones. You need to compartmentalize your relationship with her as she has already compartmentalized you in her life. You’re the good gay friend when she needs someone to hang out with, talk with, and socialize with. But, as far as a good friend, chile, she isn’t thinking about you. She has truly shown her ass, well, I say it’s her soon-to-be-husband who doesn’t want you around. And, I wonder why? Hmmmm! You did state they were getting married in ATLANTA! Makes you think, huh? But, I digress. You’ve already mentioned it to her and she’s brushed you off. Take that as your cue to exit stage left and wish her wedded bliss. And, when she returns from her honeymoon, and wants to call and hang out with you, give her the same lines she gave you, “Oh, girl, it’s only a small group of us hanging out. A lot of people weren’t invited.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’ve been following your column for about 2 months now… And I must say I like the way you address issues albeit comical and a lil bit rebuking.

I’m a Nigerian and based in Nigeria. I’ve been involved in an online relationship with a lady I met on Facebook.. She’s based in South Carolina. She and I have been have been in this online relationship for 10 months now. We plan on seeing in August this year when I hopefully come to the States. I’m 25-years old and she’s 32-years old. She wants me to change my relationship status to “Married,” and we’re not even married yet and I don’t even flirt at all with those beautiful ebony girls on my page.

Bikini-Clad Woman Raises Hell At Florida Burger King

She and I have each other’s passwords and we talk on phone all the time. She’s supposed to send me the required documents inviting me over in August to come visit her, but she wouldn’t do that unless I change my relationship status to “Married.” I’m not being cocky but I’m a very handsome guy and ladies hit on me online, but they all know I’m involved with this lady because she and I are all over each other’s page. People tell her to forget about me, being Nigerian and all, because they’ve been led to believe that all Nigerians are bad, but she’s seen the real me and she likes that. And, I also get messages telling me to leave her alone, that she just wants young blood (I’m still a virgin). Sounds strange but she’s the first person I’ve really loved. What do you suggest I do? – Don’t Want To Change My Status

“He’s A Four-Time Felon And I Love Him, But I Think He’s Cheating”

Dear Mr. Don’t Want To Change My Status,

Lawd! Thank goodness I got a Nigerian on the line. Uhm, no offense, but could you tell your people to stop sending those email letters talking about they got my name from a source, or good friend, and that they are part of royal blood, and they have this business proposition for me to receive a portion of their inheritance, but due to the banks, and what have you, they are unable to claim their millions of dollars, and that they will give me a certain percentage if I agree to help them. Uhm, for real for real, we don’t believe it and we are not going to fall for it. So, please stop it! Okay, I got that off my chest. Now, let’s move forward.

Chile, you are in an online relationship with a woman here in the United States. Really? Really! Come on, son! (In my Ed Lover voice). Both of you need a reality check, and some, what a minute…you’re the smart one and she’s the dumb one. Lawd, you mean to tell me that she can’t get a man in this big ass country that she needs to reach out to another country? And, all the women in Nigeria, you can’t find one beautiful ebony woman there? Stop playing! But, like I said, you’re the smart one. I’ll explain because I know how your mind is working. Hehehehehehe!!

You’ve seduced, or well, let’s say engaged this woman in South Carolina (uhm, what part? I’m sure it’s got to be a place way back in the woods off a dirt road), to believe that you two are destined to be together. For 10 months, you’ve been communicating via online and telephone. Oh, you’re smart. I can hear you now with that Nigerian accent, and your deep voice making her wet. You’re telling her how much you love her, and you want to lose your virginity to her. She is the woman of your dreams and you don’t want to live another day, minute, or hour without her. You can’t wait to hold her, caress her, and enter her love canal with your big ole’ wilderness African d**k. LMAO! So, now you’ve got to the point where you are planning a visit to the U.S., but the only way to get here is that she must send the required documents for you to get here. LMBAO! You are a mess, but I love it. You desperately want to come to the U.S. to see your woman, but unfortunately you can’t because you need a sponsor. SMDH! But, she has a catch. She wants you to change your relationship status on Facebook to “Married.” Lawd, take me now! I can’t I can’t I can’t.

If the only thing standing in between you getting here to the U.S. is for you to change your relationship status to “Married,” then what’s the problem? Boy, you better hurry up and click the “Married” button and call it a day. And, if she is that stupid to engage in a long distance, across the ocean, land, and several time zones blind love and be involved in a “so-called” relationship with a man she doesn’t know, then take full advantage of it. Because I know your main purpose is to get the states, and once you get here, I’m sure, no I’m certain, that you will find you fellow Nigerian brothers and sisters and will forget all about her.

Chile, you two are a hot mess. I can’t believe this is really happening and going on, but you know what, why am I bugging, of course this goes on. I have not heard of so many naïve, gullible, desperate, and thirsty people in my life. WOW! What folks will do for a relationship! SMDH!

So, Mr. Don’t Want To Change My Status, you have nothing to lose. Changing your status to “Married” doesn’t really mean anything. Everyone knows you two are not married. No one is that dumb or stupid to think you two are married, especially if you’re in Nigeria and she is in South Carolina. You can’t get married over the phone, or internet. And, trust and believe, all those ebony honey’s hitting you won’t stop just because your status changes to “Married.” Trust me, a lot of folks have no morals and values and will still step to you for some of that African virgin schlong. So, change your status, get the documents you need to get here, and in August when you arrive do what you need to do and continue whispering sweet nothings in her ear, and then at the appropriate time you say to her, “My cousin is coming to pick me up to introduce me to my other family members and I’ll be back later.” We all know that’s your plan. We all know your goal is to get to America, the land of milk and honey and where all your dreams can come true. We all know my brother! Stop playing with me talking about you really fell in love with her, and that you two have an online relationship. Boy, I will take your spear and stab you in your neck with it. And, then I will be the new heir to your village. LMBAO! I really can’t believe you two. I keep shaking my head in disbelief. Now I know where they do that at. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would change your relationship status on Facebook for someone?

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

It’s funny how you think the relationship is fine and one day your partner asks you to go to your father’s house because she needs space. I always thought of space in a relationship as time apart, us doing our own thing and coming back together. Space is not telling, asking or forcing someone to leave their house too. That is a separation.

We have been together for five years, not all was bad either. One day, things just changed, no more talking to each other. Our relationship became silent and cold. We don’t even sleep in the same bed. Petty fights became huge fights. Never thought this day would come. The crazy thing is I am not mad at her just a little hurt, hurt by the fact that this feels so permanent. I am having a hard time sleeping and trying not to pick up the phone to get my wife back.

People tell me that if she put you out once she will do it again. I believe that our families finally did what they wanted to do five years ago, see us apart. I could be wrong, but I could be right. The thing is I want us and I think she does to, we just don’t know how to do ourselves and still do us. Should I fight or flight for this relationship? Lost In Seattle

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Dear Mr. Lost In Seattle,

So, let me get this straight (no pun intended). You and your wife haven’t been sleeping in the same bed, you argue over petty things, you don’t speak, and she’s basically put you out because, “she needs space,” uhm, have you heard of the song, When A Woman’s Fed Up, by R. Kelly? Yeah, uhm, she’s fed up. When a woman stops sexing you, asks you to leave, and she puts you out of the house, uhm, yeah, she’s mentally, emotionally, and physically checked out of the relationship.

You didn’t say what happened. And, you didn’t say why she asked you to leave. Something happened and you need to figure out what it was. But, you have to speak to her to find out what that is, and asking me, your family members, friends, or whomever will not get you the answer. She has the answer. Go to the damn source!

Chile, I don’t understand you folks who have been in relationships with folks for 2, 5, 10, 20 years and scared to talk to them. Man up! You better open your mouth. If you want answers then you got to start talking and asking questions. And, listen. Chile, I swear folks don’t listen these days. You’re so invested in arguing and trying to prove your point and be right that you miss the entire conversation. Ugh!

Don’t you know communication, communication, communication is the key to making relationships work. It’s obvious you two are on separate pages because your definition of “space” is clearly not the same as hers. You should have asked her what she meant by “she needs space” while you were packing your –ish and putting them garbage bags in your trunk.

And, I’m sure, no I’m positive, that she didn’t just wake up one day and say, “Get out! Go to your father’s house,” without just cause. You even said the petty fights became huge fights. You also said that you don’t sleep in the same bed. Uhm, are you oblivious and naïve? You’re not sleeping in the same bed with your wife. Anyone who can see from a mile away knows that something was doomed when you start sleeping in separate beds. That was a red blaring blinking clue. That didn’t happen one day, it happened over a period of time. So, ask yourself what happened. Duh, Opie!

I need for you to fess up and tell us what you did. Come on, be honest, what did you do? We’re all waiting.

You also mentioned other people, outside sources, i.e. family members are involved in your relationship. It’s time to put that –ish on ice. Why are you and she running to your family members and telling them what’s going on in your relationship? That’s how mess gets started. You and your wife need to stop running your damn mouths and work out your issues with one another. Keep folks out of your relationship and out of your household. Be the man and the head of your house. Grow some balls because it’s obvious you don’t have any! Or maybe she has them. BOOM! BAM! POW!

Look, Mr. Lost In Seattle, fight for your woman. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your relationship. Sit down and talk with your wife and find out what’s beneath the surface of all this. Because, Chile, if she has asked you to leave, you’re no longer sleeping together, and you’re not talking in your own damn house, trust and believe she is thinking of moving on without you. I strongly urge marriage counseling, a spiritual counselor such as your pastor, minister, or Bishop, and a true deep desire to get to the bottom of the issues in your relationship. Also, it’s going to take some time to get back to where you want the relationship to be. It’s not going to happen overnight, or next week. It’s going to take some time, but again, if she isn’t feeling you emotionally, mentally, or physically, then, uhm, it’s a wrap! And, I’m going to need for you to get some hair on your chest and stop crying with these sleepless nights, and pick up the damn phone. What the hell!! Why you scared? She got you spooked like that? Chile, I wish I might. In the infamous words of Bone Crusher (where is he?), “I Ain’t Neva Scared!”– Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you have experienced your spouse asking you to leave because they need space, and you’re not sleeping in the same bed, don’t speak, and argue all the time? How many of you fought to get them back?

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

1.Playing, Talking Or living Your Life Solely Based On Video Games
There’s a thin line between fun and loser-ville. Most men are a little childish at heart, and sometimes that’s kind of a turn on. Lines get blurry when you ask me for ”Me time,” with call of duty or Xbox love making.  I have met too many guys who care more about the new XBOX games, than what’s going on in the real world. Wake up guys, you are a big boy now with big boy bills and problems. It’s ok to play video games once and a while, but if my Friday and Saturday nights are filled with shoot ‘em up games…Maybe I should be with someone else.

2.Not Doing Enough Around The House
Washing dishes, laundry and cooking, are no longer just women’s duties. We live in a time where both men and women have to work in order to maintain a proper household income. So if I work just as many hours as you do, what makes you think that the household is solely my responsibility? Stop expecting women to be superheroes and clean up after yourselves.

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3.Not Messaging Us Back
By us I mean women. Whether its texting, bbm, aim or email, playing cat and mouse gets a little old. We may play along for a little while, but when it gets to be continuous , you may find that your lady friend is interested in someone else.

4.Having A Constant Tough Guy Persona
Don’t get me wrong, every woman wants a strong man. Being manly isn’t a crime! When we go out and you yell at every single person we encounter for no reason, then you may be crossing the border from manly to scary. So relax, don’t be a big bully and stop putting on an act.

5.Not Eating Right
Believe it or not, a proper diet consists of more than meats and carbohydrates. Men want their women to look like super models, but yet your belly hangs over your privates. Not sexy! So try fitting a salad or two into your day. The change in your health will amaze you.

6. Only Saying Sorry, When She Says You Should
I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve witness in public, where this happens: She says “And you didn’t even say you’re sorry,” and the man says,” Well you know I am!” These half a** apologies are useless in my book. You’re not a kid anymore and you should know when you’re wrong. So suck it up and say the words.

7. Using Cat Calls, To Try And Pick Up Women
There is nothing more annoying than a man who thinks whistling or saying disrespectful comments will land him a girlfriend. It’s stupid and shows that you have nothing on your mind but sex. Yes, some not so special women may fall for it, but for those of us who can’t stand it; you should consider revamping your style of pick up lines.

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8.Talking About Our Sex Life With Your Friends
This has got to be the worse thing a man can do. Your friends don’t need to know what positions we do during sex. Nor do they need to know how much of a freak I am. Men don’t respect women when they hear things like this. So do the world a favor and keep it to yourself.

9. Blaming The World For Not Having A Job
Yes, we are in a recession. Yes, Presidents and many other’s have lead us into this current state of unemployment rates. Do you really think this is a good excuse to sit on your butt and collect a check? I hear so many men saying “Oh the man is keeping me down,” or “It’s all Bush’s fault.”  That sounds like blah,blah,blah to me! Mickey D’s is always hiring. Sometimes you have to humble yourself to make ends meet. Also, don’t give up, keep searching and applying. You should spend about three hours a day applying for jobs.

10. Paying More Attention To Your Phone, Than Me
The attachments we have to these cell phones are crazy nowadays. If your wife or girlfriend has to fight for your attention because you are texting your friends, then you may have a problem. Communication is key in any relationship. Unless you’re a doctor or the President of the United States, there is no need to be glued to your phone. Try turning off your phone as soon as you get home. This will free up your time to focus more on your family and loved ones.

11.Ignoring Your Children
Ok, if you stick it in, without a raincoat, the end result is most likely a baby. So that 45 second muscle spasm, is worth 18 years of child support and quality time. So grow up and take care of your children. No excuses, no return fee, they are here to stay and you should be a man about it.

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

The question I have is how can I tell when my girlfriend is in denial?

She has this guy that’s a friend, so she says. They have been friends for like 7 months. She says they have never done anything, but she tells me she goes to his house and sits in his room and waits on him to come out the shower and she says she watches him get dressed. I didn’t believe what I heard. And, she says nothing is going on. Just yesterday I found a condom wrapper on her bathroom floor. So, when I asked her about it she started laughing, talking about I put it there from the last time I was there. I know that wasn’t true. I don’t even use Trojan’s.

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So, the other morning she gets a bunch of Baby Phat clothes in the mail from UPS from her friend. I feel like I’m in competition with this guy. – Is She In Denial

Dear Mr. Is She In Denial,

(*   *) Blank stare at you and this email. Uhm, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but homie, you’re the one in denial. She clearly has game and is running it on you and her “friend.”

Now, come on, bruh, what woman is claiming a man as a friend that she’s only known for 7 months? (Come, let me help you off that yellow bus. You’re holding up traffic.)

And, for real, for real, she is sitting in his house, in his room, and waits for him to come out of the shower and watches him get dressed. But, they haven’t done anything? LMBAO! You’re just as gullible as you want to be, aren’t you? Naw, they are not having sex, he is fudging her, and they may not be doing it at his house, but they sure as hell are doing it at her house. You found a condom wrapper on the bathroom floor and it’s a brand you don’t use, and she starts laughing claiming you put it there. (In my Fred Sanford voice – “You big dummy!”) If you don’t use Trojan condoms and it’s on your girlfriend’s bathroom floor, then how do you think it got there? I’ll wait for your response. Let me dip to the grocery store while you ponder that.

“I’ve Been A Mistress For 7 Years, I Feel It’s Time I Move On”

Okay, I’m back. Now, if you found a condom wrapper (no condom inside) on your girlfriend’s bathroom floor, where do you think it came from if you don’t use Trojan’s, and where is the condom? Again, I’ll wait for your response. Oh, shoot, let me go back to the grocery store. I forgot something.

Okay, I’m back. Sorry it’s taking me some time to answer your letter but there was this yellow bus sitting in the middle of the road and this boy was refusing to get off. He kept banging his head on the seat mumbling something about his girlfriend and her “friend.”

Now your woman has received a UPS package filled with Baby Phat clothes from her “friend.” I don’t know what she is lacing her vagina walls with, but whatever it is it obviously has you delusional, deranged, and diluted.

Look, Mr. Is She In Denial, let me wrap this up before I bust you upside your head to the white meat with this belt buckle. It’s obvious your girl got another man and is playing the both of you. Her game is so tight that she got you believing imaginary tales of her being friends with another man, and watching him get dressed as he gets out of the shower.  (*    *) Blank stare. Chile, miss me and that train ride. If she is friends with him, then ask her to have all three of you go hang out. Tell her to introduce you to her friend. As a matter of fact, confront them when you do go out about the clothes he sent her and why he sent them, if he is her friend. Maybe he works at Baby Phat and got a great discount. LMBAO! And, if you got the condom wrapper put it on the table and ask him if he forgot it the last time he was at her house. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t with you people. Boy, you really are silly and whipped on that girl’s coochie. She must have put it on you something awful. I suggest you get out of the relationship, move on, and stop being in denial about her situation with her “friend.” He’s not her friend. Well, maybe a friend with benefits. She is getting something from the both of you, and you’re stupid enough to continue giving it to her. Homie, you’re being played! Get your underwear from out your ass and man up. Stop being hooked on coochie and get hooked on reality! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you ever dated someone and they had a “friend” who was of the opposite sex, and they exhibited behaviors to make you think something was going on with them?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!