Hello Beautiful &#187; marriage

If his style was one of the reasons you broke up, check out these tips

Do You Want Your Ex Back? 5 Essential Questions To Ask Yourself Before Going Back

Angel Tyree — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:15:48 +0000

My uncle married the same woman twice in his lifetime. Huh? Sounds crazy right? Breakups happen for all sorts of reasons like money shortage, complexities and demands of raising children, infidelity, or just plain ole’ lack of understanding about how to make it work but they are not always because the love is gone. When you find yourself yearning to get back with your ex-lover you have to first evaluate why the breakup happened and if it is really worth going back. Here are the essential 5’s to ponder before taking the dive:

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work. What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself? Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth. Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship.

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real. So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?”

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface.

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother?

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process.

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be.

Good Luck!

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“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby Momma”

Terrance Dean — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:15:52 +0000

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years.

Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good.

We got married in August and I found out I was pregnant in January. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost.

We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up.

I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. It’s November and my baby’s due and our lease is up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again. I’m on my last straw, the last days of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again,

Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is!

Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. Your fool damn self is over there listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that.

Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, i.e., He cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.”

Uhm, sorry boo boo, you may have had the pomp and circumstance of a wedding with all your friends and family present, the flower girl, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the thousands of dollars spent on feeding all those damn people, however while you were standing in your off-brand knock-off Vera Wang dress looking starry-eyed professing your vows of marriage, he was lost in space thinking to himself, “How the hell did I end up here? And, which one of these chicks I’m going to bang in the back room.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER.

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly ass broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and in your small ass heads. You thirsty ass chicks wear me so thin! You’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. And, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from these men’s nut sacs!

Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum ass dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in the equation and cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me, there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO!

Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. And, I mean take a good look at yourself, how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his ass. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, what little his broke ass has. And, put his ass on child support payments. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!

Let’s Stay Together: Why Are Lasting Marriages Becoming Extinct

Ariel Crockett — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 18:30:32 +0000

I can’t say that marriage has become a thing of the past, but I certainly can say that lasting marriages has most definitely become a thing of the past. Growing up I can remember this turning into the divorce generation, for the longest my parents were the only married couple I knew.

I remember watching things take a turn for the worse until ultimately they too ended up getting divorced. I thought if my parents can get a divorce after being married for over 20 years, what does that say about marriage as a whole. What’s more is that, not only do I see failed marriages amongst family and friends, I constantly see it in the media as well.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are black celebrity power couples (that in my honest opinion seem to stay together longer than any other race of celeb couples) that are still married and have been married since forever. Couples like Barack and Michelle Obama, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Denzel and Pauletta Washington, Omar and Keisha Epps, Beyonce and Jay Z and Snoop Dogg and Shaunte Broadus have been together for years so I am not saying that it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is that it is becoming less common to stay married and more common to divorce.

What do you think is the reason for this? Do we simply not value the union of marriage anymore or is marriage so disposable that we no longer have the desire to fight to maintain it?

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“My Wife Left Me And She’s Seeing Another Man, But I Want Her Back”

Terrance Dean — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 17:30:38 +0000

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’m a male who is going through a separation right now. I’m 32 and she is 27. We have been married 5 years. I knew her for 9 years. We have no kids. We were having issues within our marriage with communication. There was no abuse or cheating. She started to tell me that she felt something was missing, and she didn’t know what it was. We got along great. Toward the end she felt that we were more like friends and roommates.

I really want to work on this relationship. She said that she needed some space. She moved back in with her mom, which her mom doesn’t even like me for reasons I don’t know. I never believed in therapy, but she insisted on going. We went 3 times and she stopped. She said it was because of time and money. I told her that I would pay for the sessions. I still go to better myself. I also know that she is seeing someone that she only knew for a week. She doesn’t know that I know. I need some advice on how to deal with this and any advice on how to get her back. She finally admitted to seeing this other guy and he is already professing his love. He even bought her tickets to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. Oh yeah, they met on FaceBook. He is 34. They met on 9/15. Help me. I need some advice to get her back. – Need My Wife Back

“I Have A Fear Of Being Alone And Don’t Know How To Break The Cycle Of Codependency”

Dear Mr. Need My Wife Back,

Sigh! You sound like a really good dude. But, I hate to be the bearer of bad news my brother, but, uhm, you need to let her go. You need to give her the space she needs to do what she wants and allow her to find her way back to you. But, on the real, she has moved on. She has separated herself from you and is already getting it in with another man. Therefore, she has moved on. Open your eyes and stop being naïve.

The fact that your wife told you that she felt something was missing in your marriage and that she felt more like friends and roommates with you is a tell-tale sign that she was not interested in you sexually or physically. She had started the process months, probably years ago, of mentally placing you in a category where she would not desire or want you.

I know it’s hard hearing this because it’s difficult to let someone you love, and whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with just walk out of your life. It’s hard seeing them move on and you desperately want to make it work. But, the truth of the matter is that SHE IS GONE! (You’re standing there with your hand out with roses waiting on her to return and she is waving to you saying goodbye)

You even stated that she recommended counseling, and after 3 visits she stopped coming. She figured why waste her time, money, and energy when she had already made up in her mind that she didn’t want to fix your marriage. She didn’t want to invest in you or it. And, my question to you, my brother, is if someone doesn’t want to invest in you, your relationship, or make any attempts to save/salvage your marriage, then why are you trying to hold on to them? Stop holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held. Stop trying to make someone commit to you when they can’t even commit to themselves. Stop trying to make someone be with you who does not want to be with you. Do you see how simple and easy that is? Do you see how you can save yourself the heartache and pain of being hurt even further if you just listen to what they are saying to you, and how they are treating you? When someone wants to walk out of your life let them go. Hell, get them some running shoes and let them sprint out of your life.

But, I truly believe that some folks are gluttons for pain. They are gluttons for heartache and drama. Chile, you better stop this madness before you find yourself stalking and staking outside her momma’s house hiding in the bushes. Don’t let this drive you to become disillusioned in your head and you start acting and doing sill ass –ish for the sake of love and saving your marriage. I am not trying to hear about you on the six o’clock news.

It’s time to look at the blessings and thank her for the gift she gave you. I know you don’t see it now, but she did you a favor. And, there are several of them, but here is one: You stated that you didn’t believe in therapy, and when she recommended it you were reluctant, but you went. And, although she doesn’t continue with the sessions, you have continued and they have made you a better person. Yes, that’s a blessing. You are working on you. And, now it’s time to heal, move forward, and stop obsessing over her and her new man. So what if he is professing his love to her after only a few weeks of meeting. And, so what he bought tickets for them to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. You sit over there and stew in hatred, bitterness, and anger, but she is going to be in Puerto Rico having fun for her birthday. Who’s going to look like the fool?

I tell you what, why don’t you buy yourself a ticket to some foreign or exotic place. And, I know the perfect places – Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic or even Rio De Jenairo, Brazil. Go. Have you some fun. Trust me. You will thank me later.

The second blessing is that she has shown you what it is to love and love yourself. You are getting back to the essence of you, of who you are. Learn to love you, and how to love someone else. The next woman you meet will be so amazing, phenomenal, beautiful, intelligent, spiritually grounded, and designed for you by God. Again, you can’t see it now because you’re focused on the right now. You’re focused on “My wife left me and has moved on.” Stop mopping, crying, and whining. Ugh! I can’t stand to see a grown ass man with no backbone, and no balls. Let your nuts hang and let them swing. It’s time to man-up.

So, start the process of forgiving your wife. Forgive her and yourself. You made mistakes. It didn’t work and now it’s time to move, and it’s okay. You recognize what went wrong, and now you can move forward and begin to heal and learn from the mistakes. Get your big boy drawers on, and give yourself three months to see if your wife will want to make amends. If nothing changes and she’s not interested, then start the divorce proceedings, get your affairs in order (financially and emotionally) and throw the deuces up. It’s time to be and do you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!

Shut Up & Listen! Your Relationship Deserves It

Angel Tyree — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 16:00:55 +0000

Open relationships have a much higher success rate than traditional relationships, not due to the “free sex” but more-so because of the open communication. Now, I am not making an argument for open relationships here but what I am suggesting is that there is an inherent lack of open and honest communication within traditional, presumably monogamous relationships that could use an overhaul. The key ingredient to maintaining healthy relationships is keeping the lines of communication open.

While communication will take a never-ending effort to keep relevant issues that are integral to the relationship alive and pinned up frustrations at bay, here are a few tips to keep the lines of communication flowing openly:

Shut up and listen! One of the most important things that you can do for your relationship is to listen to your partner for the sake of validating his/her voice. When listening to your partner try to refrain from interrupting, using body language to negate what is being shared by your partner, and thinking of what you want to say next. Be present. Listen attentively. Reaffirm what you heard him/her say. Respect that your partner has an opinion, valid emotions and a voice within the relationship.
Agree to disagree. The beauty of the garden is the difference of the flowers. Fortunately, you won’t always agree on every issue and herein lays an opportunity to respectfully disagree. Make every effort to understand your partners’ point-of-view and if there is no mutual agreement, then by all means – agree to disagree. The key is to be able to talk out those differences free of negative and condescending judgments with intentions of meeting in the middle.
Dismiss your ego from the conversation. Sadly, most people would rather be right (or worse, prove the other person wrong) than to be happy. Often it is your ego that fuels arguments, is unwilling to compromise and ultimately destroys the relationship. There must be a relinquishing of “me”, in the sense of ego involvement, to communicate for the sake of the relationships sustainability.
Be honest with yourself, first. If you know vital components of your personality to be true that will be pivotal and possibly detrimental to your relationship then it is your duty to accept “who you really are” and share that information with your partner. If you have anger management issues, you are/have been violent in relationships, you like to have multiple partners, you don’t like to keep a steady job, you torture animals…you get the picture. When you lie to yourself about your authentic-self, then you are setting your relationships up for fail – because who you are will eventually present itself once you have relaxed into your comfort zone.
Practice healthy detachment. When couples communicate bringing heartfelt concerns, intimate personal details and ideals to the conversation it is important to be detached from your projected outcome. While it is important to stay positive and optimistically anticipate a “happy ending” to the communication, it is equally as important to not be rigidly attached to the final outcome. There has to be flexible room for reaching a common ground that sometimes includes compromise to reach a mutually agreeable outcome.

Mastering good communication skills is necessary for all areas of life; personal and professional. The skills presented here can benefit every area of your life if applied. While there is no absolute that your relationship will last forever, having good communication will assuredly make you a better person and likely attract people to you who are willing to be better communicators. Good luck!

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Did You Complete Your “Honey Do” List?

The Married Guy — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 16:00:47 +0000

If you couldn’t already guess, I am “the husband.” And, as you can see, I am two weeks behind my worthy counterparts, and that’s because, prior to writing this, I had a more pressing matter: Finishing my tasks on the “honey do” list.

By and large, men are fairly simple creatures. If you feed us, sleep with us and occasionally buy us a gadget, we’re yours. In return, a husband has to do certain things, a la the “honey do” list. It’s usually a list of chores or errands that wives either can’t or won’t do (it’s usually ‘won’t'). My personal “honey do” list includes washing the cars, taking out the garbage, washing dishes, vaccuming, feeding the dog, plowing the corn fields and anything involving manual labor.

Now, it’s not that we mind doing the work (normally), but why do we need a list? Are we that irresponsible that we wouldn’t otherwise get my stuff done? Do we need to be reminded every weekend of our chores before we can go out and play? And what happens if the cars don’t get washed or the bathroom isn’t painted? Will someone die? Will the house fall into disarray? No… But you will have one pissed-off partner on your hands, and you know what they say about a woman scorned. It’s five times worse when she sleeps right next to you.

So, I hope you all learned something from this post. And I will be back next week with more of my insights as a new husband… As long as I make sure that I first shingle the roof, unclog the bathroom sink, build a deck, mow my in-laws’ lawn, sweep under the fridge…

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Would You Strap-Up For Your Man?

Angel Tyree — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 01:00:00 +0000

Recently, while at a networking social with an amazing group of women I was enlightened about a new trending movement in heterosexual relationships: strapping-up with a harness and dildo to anally penetrate your man. WTF?

Since I am known for lending relationship advice and talking candidly about sex on my radio show, I am accustomed to getting questions about relationship/sex issues so to have people just open conversation about the topic is normal. But even I was speechless about this.

Years ago I’d heard of a single case like this, with a guy who was recently released from incarceration wanting his wife to strap him – I chalked that up to him having been touched while in prison and possibly liking the experience. Maybe I was naive about the B.O.B. (Bend Over Boyfriend) some 15 years ago, but after researching the trend I am finding that it is becoming increasingly common among committed heterosexual couples.

In my most recent book, Recession Proof Relationships, I write about keeping the romance steamy by experimenting in the bedroom but when I wrote it, I wasn’t thinking STRAPPING YOUR MAN. I was leaning more along the lines of role play, voyeurism, watching porn together to find new positions, tantric sex, Karma Sutra and adding sex toys to the mix.

Needless to say, the conversation was explosive. One of the ladies, who had been married for over 12 years, said that she was initially turned off when her husband approached her about strapping him. “I was like, if he wants me to do that then he must be gay”, she said, continuing on to say “I was so confused I could barely talk to him for days.” Another woman said that her man doesn’t want her to use a strap but he likes for her to insert her vibrator in him while he’s inside of her. Huh?

I must admit that the majority of the women were just as flabber-gasted at the entire conversation as I was. The look of bewilderment and awkward silence from the other women confirmed that while it seems to be a growing trend that it is certainly not the norm.

Here is what I have to say about strapping your man:

Do what is mutually stimulating for you both and keeps the spice in your relationship.
Don’t feel that you have to try something for your partner that makes your stomach queasy.
Do communicate openly and honestly about how you are feeling.
Don’t compromise the integrity of your intuition if your gut is saying to flee the scene.
Do be safe about any sexual exchanges.
Don’t tell all of your girlfriends your bedroom details (could be a little over-the-top.)
Do whatever makes you happy.

I am a firm believer that a couple must define their own rules and determine what works for them. I also advocate for living a limitless life; having the freedom to be who you are and to do what makes you happy. I even believe in unconditional love but on the continuum of sexual fluidity the blurred lines of sexuality in men is still a conundrum to me.

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“My Husband Tells Me To Leave Him & That He Hates Me, But I Know He Loves Me”

Terrance Dean — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 18:00:08 +0000

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I was so scared to write to you because you are brutally honest.

Anyway, I am a 23-year old black female and have been married since I was 19 years old. My husband is 27 now. He was 23 when we got married. Yeah I know I was young, but I love my man. I really do. I’d do anything for him and he knows it but I think he uses that to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong I am not an angel.

First, I moved from Seattle to Boston at 19, quit my job, left college (but am back in school now here in Boston). I have no family or true friends here in Boston. My mom does not agree with my decisions but her and I have been having problems since the beginning of time. She’s 38 and I am 23. We fight like sisters. But back to my man. When we first started things were ok, but things changed quickly. We started fighting. He had anger and trust issues because of his past. He was emotionally abusive and that took a while to stop, but he did. Things got really rocky when I missed my family so much that I moved back west for 6 months. When I came back to Boston, things were even worse, but we worked thru it. It was the worst time of my life. I cried like every day. Remember I said I ain’t no angel but I am not a cheater or a liar. I just talk a lot of -ish when am being attacked. I mean I take low blows when I feel like I am being attacked and I have a hard time listening when I am mad. Mind you, I did not have a father figure so I really did not know how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

Long story short, the beginning of this year things were almost perfect. I mean I’ve never been happier with him. But all that changes when we have little normal disagreement. When I mess up like any human would and he verbally attacks me like he used to (not as bad though) I do not take low blows like I used to. I tell him how I feel in a mature way, but he uses that as ammo and keeps saying he’s tired of this -ish, he can’t do this -ish, and if I can’t deal with things, “just leave me dog,” (those are his exact words). It’s freaking hurtful to hear that after all I’ve put up with. And, it’s a lot – from spitting in my face (that was the very beginning of our relationship) to pouring water on my hair, to calling me all sort of names, and some pushing. I threw dishes at him when he did that and he called the cops on me, but he was the one who went to jail cause he was making a scene at our condo complex.

Anyways, I am just so confused and I finally got my dignity back to stand up to him and tell him as it is. But, all he keeps saying is just leave me, or if you can’t handle what I expect from you then you should have never been with me. I do everything from cooking, cleaning, getting him ready for work, looking cute for him, buying gifts, watch games with him. I mean I do everything from my heart… I am his homie and lover. And, I really don’t mind doing those things as long as I get the love and respect I give him). Then he goes on saying that he hates me. It’s so hard for him to apologize. I mean I don’t expect perfection but damn can I get respect?

OMG! He also complains about the littlest things. Like, if the house is a lil messy, not dirty (he’s a clean freak but I am not), he starts saying I need to clean the entire house from dusting to taking down spider webs that I can’t see but he can. He just wants the house spotless. I HATE it when he does that because I do me. And, when I do clean he pretty much goes over the whole house to make sure it’s clean. I just leave and have a cigarette.

I’ve matured over the years with him, but it’s like why do I keep hearing this -ish of just leave me dog or I hate you? I mean I hear that at least once a week. I never ever say -ish like that to him. I am at the point of really taking him serious and leaving. I have a hard time making that decision because when I went back home to see my family, I left him with no job (he was collecting unemployment) and he had to pay all the rent and utilities on that unemployment check. I mean it’s not like the check was little. He could survive, but ever since I left, he uses that against me so much that I can’t decide on leaving. But, I am at the point of “F” it… whatever.” But, when he comes around to his senses he always finds a way to my heart again. I mean always.

I ask myself why do I let him do this. Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? I am not bragging about us but people envy us. We are both attractive. I’ve fought women over him and vice-versa. And, we do well for our age. So, it’s like should I walk away with my respect or should I stay. I love him so much though. I am so confused. I am independent. I pay my own bills. I have my own car, and pay for my school. So, it’s not like he really supports me. Please help!!! Confused Young Wife

Dear Ms. Confused Young Wife,

Chile! This letter right here is many, many things! Gurl!

You had me up until the end. That’s when all the contradictions came pouring out.

I really wonder if you all read your letters before you send them…..wait, why am I asking that question. Of course you do. But, you’re so in denial about your situation that you can’t see and hear yourself. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. And, especially one that can’t comprehend, or rationalize.

You asked me, and yourself, why do you let him do this to you – Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? Uhm, boo boo, earlier in the letter you said he was collecting unemployment. So, what lifestyle are you accustomed to? You rent a damn apartment. You don’t own a home! And, what type of car is he balling in with bouts of unemployment? And, if you say he has swagger, and that’s what swagger is then uhm, I’ll pass. Swagger is overused and overrated.

Then you go on to say that you are independent. You pay your own bills. You have your own car and pay for school. Uhm, again sweetie, if you’re married, then how are you independent? Why are you paying your own bills? If you’re married shouldn’t the two of you be one unit? You’re no longer independent, but are one entity. Your bills are his bills and vice-versa. You share everything. But, this is what happens when hood ghetto ass people get together and marry. You’re still trying to hold on to your independence while you’re married to a man. Girl, stop it! Stop it right now and let go of that, “I’m independent. I got my own –ish. I don’t need a man. I can do bad all by myself,” ghetto ass talk!

Chile, I can’t do you people today. This is why you should wait until you’re old enough, mature enough, and have dealt with your psychology, emotional, and mental issues before involving someone else in your mess, and then marrying them.

This ghetto love is just that – GHETTO LOVE. All this talk of, “I love my man. I’m down for him. We fight like cats and dogs, but the make-up sex is the bomb. I’ll cut a bish for my man. I don’t play!! We call the cops on each other and, yeah, he hits me sometimes, spits in my face, pours water on my hair, and mushes me in the face, but I love him and he loves me.” SMDH! This is insanity. Pure insane and asinine bull-ish that you ghetto ass people go through on the daily to prove that you got a man, or woman, and that you love someone. THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS GHETTO HIGH SCHOOL IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AND IT’S A RESULT OF YOUR GHETTO ASS PARENTS.

You clearly have unresolved issues surrounding your mother, and absent father. You have emotional and mental issues that have not been addressed, and yet you found a man when you were 19 and he was 23. You found your “Daddy.” I call it the, “Looking For Daddy Syndrome.” And, you found a man to replace the missing dad in your life to take you away from the anguish, heartache, pain, agony, and unworthiness you felt. Your unresolved issues of feelings of no self-worth, low self-esteem, and not good enough were all replaced by a man who made you feel good, and gave you some good sex. You equated sex with love, and that misplaced and misunderstood emotional and physical pleasure made you think your mental problems were solved.

Girl, there is so many issues and challenges with you and your letter that I can’t today! I told you all that I’m not interested in your pity parties, sob stories of a life of unhappiness and a man who makes you feel like –ish. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get the hell out!! If you don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, then why the hell are you still in the relationship with them? Get the hell out!!! If they are not adding to you, building you, inspiring you, empowering you, encouraging you, or loving you without conditions or restrictions, then get the hell out!!!! It’s that damn simple people!!!

Hmmmm, just a quick question while I’m thinking of it – Isn’t ironic that the very things you were running from at 19 from your family, you found it in your husband? Yeah, all those mental and emotional issues are showing up in your marriage with your husband. You chose your past and made it your present and future. That’s what sex and d**k will do to you. Make you lose focus and forget what your problems are. D**k is a dangerous drug. I keep telling you folks that. You’re going to listen.

Then your husband tells you consistently to leave him, and that he hates you. You do realize that the word “hate” is a strong and powerful word. It’s pure displeasure, and a strong dislike. Now, you’re asking me what to do when he says this to you. Do me a favor and move those weaved blond highlights from your eyes and let me punch you in the face!!! If he tells you on a weekly basis to leave him and that he hates, then leave him because he hates you! HELLO!!!!

Why do you keep putting yourself through this agony? Why put up with this pain? Why put up with this man who hates himself, doesn’t care for you, and basically doesn’t care about your marriage? Answer those questions. And, be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free. But, I’ll tell you this if someone kept telling me to leave and how much they hated me, I’d leave their ass sitting in their own misery and I’d do it when they went to work. Pack all my –ish and bounce. Change my numbers. Change my emails. Hell, I’d go through an entire metamorphosis of change.

I strongly recommend marriage counseling, and some personal counseling for the both of you for emotional and mental health issues. You both are emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing one another. It’s time to stop the madness. Stop the turmoil. And, stop this GHETTO LOVE! It’s not cute. And, for the record, people are not envious of you and your relationship, they actually feel sorry for the both of you. How two people can tear each other down yet claim they love one another is pure comedy. But, misery loves company, and stupid is what stupid does. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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“I Can’t Stand My Husband And I Cringe At The Thought Of Him”

Terrance Dean — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 16:00:40 +0000

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have been married to this guy for a little over 4 years. We have two kids- 5 & 3 years old. We own a home which I had to beg, curse and cry to get him to contribute 50% of the down payment. I figured that if he wanted to stay with me he would have to contribute to the house. I knew he had the money, but for some reason he always cries broke except when it comes to his family. I mean on the outside looking in a lot of people make comments like “your family is so cute”… “You guys have it all together,” but I’m hating life! Yes, they see me driving a new Lexus. But the only reason is that I put him out after I found out he was cheating on me while I was 7 months pregnant! Whenever he gets mad, it becomes his car, not mine!

Yes, they see the kids always dressed nice and well-behaved but that’s all me. All my husband (I cringe when I have to refer him as such) manages to do is keep the couch warm and the electronics turned on. So, he tries to be affectionate and kiss or rub on me but I’m so turned off. As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex. The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.

He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings. Like one minute he’s singing, making obnoxious jokes, all in my personal space and the next he’s mean-faced glued to the TV. He also has a bad temper and has said some real foul stuff to me and calls me names. We went to counseling once (after he jumped on me with our newborn in my arms) and was diagnosed with depression. I had kicked him out the house and was loving life- with just the kids. He kept begging me to come back and I agreed on the condition he continued with counseling. That never happened. Recently when I brought it up his response was something like “You don’t know me or my heart. How dare you try to tell me what I need to do?” Great!

So here I am living in a home with this man I can’t stand, raising two kids as a pseudo- single mom, hating life. I should also mention that I can’t talk to him the way I used to when we were dating. He uses all the bits of info from my past to throw back in my face when convenient. Not that I have loads of skeletons in my closet, but does he really need to bring up that I used to date older men? Or that one of my exes used to abuse me so why would I make a big deal when he jumped on me? Is this dude serious? I’ve told him that I want a divorce (I ended up agreeing after he said he wanted one our entire 1st yr of marriage) but now he’s fighting it. I think it’s not that he loves me so much but because he’s comfortable. He has a great life which involves him not doing much. I think I know what I want to do. But just want to get your take on it. – Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out

Dear Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out,

Welp! I hate to say it, but you got exactly what you wanted and then some. You were so blinded by your own desires that you ignored every sign, every heeded message, and the big blaring red signals going haywire over your head. You were so determined to be married, have this great family, and get what YOU wanted that you did it at the sake of your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. WOW! You are a nut case in the true sense that you are so driven by insanity that you will do whatever it takes to get what you want.

Now, here you are writing in seeking advice because your selfish desires got you into this hotmess.com and now you want a wayout.net. I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit your responsibility and immature tactics in this situation. You manipulated this man into marrying you, then you begged, cursed, cried and demanded he put down 50% on a house that he probably didn’t want, and because you wanted to have kids you laid down with him and as you said, “As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex.” Hmmmm, after revisiting all of that doesn’t that make you sound very childish and immature? Doesn’t that sound like someone who is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, and selfish? Let me pull up a chair and get comfortable because this is about to get really good.

Then you go on to say, “The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.” Honey, you’re absolutely correct. You didn’t think. Chile, you folks with your ulterior motives and sneaky ass ways manipulating folks and situations always want to cry wolf when the –ish hits the fan. Well, sorry, boo boo, but I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You created and designed this life of “fake wonderful trying to impress others by satisfying your own needs but now your ass is showing.” Get the “F” outta here.

But, I’m not done, Ms. Honey. It appears that you have a history of dating abusive men. You said your husband throws up in your face that you dated an abusive man before, and then when he was abusive to you after he jumped on you with your newborn in your arms, that you have no right or cause to complain. Okay, I agree with you, WTF is he talking about? He’s trying to justify himself with that bull –ish? You should have slapped the mess out him, packed his bags and put his ass out of the house. No man can justify beating or abusing a woman in any manner.

But, you need to do some introspection and get to the root cause of why you feel the need to choose abusive men, and where does this pattern stem from. Your husband may have only jumped on you once, but trust and believe he will do it again. Sit your miserable ass over there complaining if you want to. His mentally unstable ass will go upside your head again and then what are you going to do? You’re just simple.

And, for the record, he is not only physically abusive, but he is also emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s been diagnosed as depressed. Uhm, sweetie, that is a mental disorder. And, he takes his anger and illness out on you, and I’m certain the kids feel the wrath of his mental illness as well. He is an abuser mentally, emotionally, and physically. Plain and simple – He needs to remain in therapy, and he needs to take his medication. What’s really sad about you is that you are in denial about his mental illness just as he is in denial. You wrote, “He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings.” So, when you went to counseling and he was diagnosed with depression, what part of that did you not understand? Chile, depression is a mental illness. It’s a disorder. But, you are so “F’ing” clueless living in this fantasy world you’ve created that you’ve allowed your disillusion to cloud your judgment.

And, I don’t understand why you are still in the marriage if it’s not what you want, or what he wants. What the hell am I thinking! Misery loves company. You’re two miserable people and would rather be miserable and unhappy together than happy and sane alone. SMDH! Girl, your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The sad part is that you’re both in it for the wrong reasons and instead of being honest with one another, you’re both deceiving and manipulating one another, and lying to yourselves.

I’m curious as to what made you stay after you learned he cheated on you when you were 7 months pregnant? Oh, my bad, why am I asking that silly ass question. He bought you a Lexus. So, you got something out of the deal. I’m sure you manipulated that out of him. Do you realize that you not only justified his behavior, but you asked him to reward you with something material for something he did emotional and physical, and will leave a long lasting effect on you and the marriage. Now, does that make any sense to you?

Why am I talking with you? You clearly don’t see how you are a big contributing factor to all of this mess that YOU created. YOU had this fixation on this life of being married and having kids. YOU chose this man. Now, here you are miserable and unhappy and asking for an easy way out. Girl, get the freaking divorce. Stop stalling. You never really wanted to be with him in the first place. Hell, it could have been any man to give you what YOU wanted, and it just so happens that it was him. Girl, miss me and yourself. And, you need to get into some counseling yourself. You need to stop lying to yourself, manipulating others, and instead of making everyone else’s life miserable do them all a favor and just leave! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!

Stay Married Or Die Trying

Steven James Dixon — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 14:00:50 +0000

Steven James Dixon is in possession of the absolute best credential necessary to be successful as a relationship expert: He has actually saved a marriage – his own. There are a couple of principles that Steven developed that assisted him in saving his marriage. These principles address the core issues of most of the marriages that are in trouble today. All marriages can be saved.

1. Divorce Cannot Be An Option – Once a spouse begins to think about divorce the chance of the marriage surviving is slim to none. The human mind cannot contemplate divorce and create resolutions for problems within the marriage at the same time. Divorce will win out. Steven says, “When I am counseling a couple I inform them during the first session that they will not be getting a divorce.”

2. Spousal Priority – There are too many spouses that are in a competition for the love and affection of their better half. Marriage is the most important company, corporation, institution, organization, union or unit there is. Bar none. Nothing else is even close. Steven teaches couples the following relationship hierarchical structure: 1.) God 2.) Spouse 3.) Spouse 4.) Vacant 5.) The rest of the world. Even if you are not a Christian, you get the point. Steven says, “In terms of the importance in my life, nothing comes close to my wife. Her importance in my life is not based on her person. Her importance is based on her title and my vows. I think that I am the only person in the world that feels like this.”

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Why Do Men Wife-Up Sluts?

Angel Tyree — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 13:30:51 +0000

On a previous episode of VH1’s “Basketball Wives”, Evelyn Lodaza and fiancé, Chad Ochocinco were having a romantic candlelight dinner on the beach, when the subject of sketchy pasts came up. Evelyn was concerned (rightfully so) that Chad would read the blogs and internet nastiness about her history of lovers then possibly change his perception of her. He so lovingly replied that what she did when she was single was her right and that he had no judgment about whoever she slept with prior to their relationship.

I thought that Chad was completely on point. He seemed to have great understand about life, letting go and living in the present. Although I get the greatness of acceptance, I certainly do also get that people in general are not so kind, forgiving, or compassionate. So I asked a few of my male friends what that was all about and this is what I learned…

Men do not judge the past sexual history of women nearly as harshly as other women do.

It seems that women are more concerned with who and/or how many sexual partners other women have had than men are. While a man doesn’t necessarily want his wife to have slept with the entire football team, he is more willing to overlook her sexual prowess prior to him as long as it didn’t involve his best bud or a family member.

A man gets with the woman who makes him feel good overall.

If it is his time, if he has somehow opened the mental possibility of settling down then he wants to be with the woman who makes him feel good in every area of his life. Her having a “past” doesn’t factor into his feeling electrified, treasured and alive. If she has connected with him in a way that makes him feel totally free and at ease, then any of her added slut skills are only a plus.

Women who were once a little slutty have a greater sense of self and how to handle a man.

Men find that some women who have carried themselves more loosely in younger years have a greater sense of self-confidence, self-worth and are not so wrapped up in neediness from her man. He likes the idea that she can stand alone and is not defined by a companion. Men also believe that her previous slutty ways have better taught her how to interact with men, making her not so controlling and domineering.

My mother always taught me to “keep a penny between my knees”, meaning not to give up the goodies if I ever wanted to get married. While I think there was a great deal of merit to what she taught me, I also think that much has changed over the years.

If there is one thing that I have learned about watching these men wife-up “sluts”, it’s; who am I to judge? What women or men do in single life is really their business and other people waste too much time (that could be spent creating, enjoying and living your own lives) sitting in judgment of others. Everyone is entitled to experience their own life as they see fit and there is nothing more important than the present moment.

So, to all of the sluts who have or are getting married…cheers to you!

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6 Quick Tips To Help You Succeed In Love & Life

Angel Tyree — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 15:00:14 +0000

Professional success and personal happiness in this society are what we strive for daily. Having the impetus to continually work toward a healthy balance of the two can be overwhelming especially if you’ve been a bit weathered by life itself. Being successful at work is not the equivalent of personal happiness nor is it vice versa; although having one can boost your optimism for the other. When life throws you curve balls via job loss, house foreclosure, abusive relationships, failed marriages, unexpected children, slow growth on your career path, having not found your “soul mate” yet, etc., it can be difficult to brush it off and keep pressing on.

Here are a few tips to help you achieve forward motion in the quest for a healthy measure of success and happiness in all areas of life:

Get clear. How can you know what is expected of you if you are not clear about what exactly you are trying to achieve? In the workplace you must get clear direction from your superior. In your relationships you have to have an open dialog about what you are trying to gain collectively and what are you “bottom line” of needs. Likewise, if you are currently not in a relationship or on a job, you should get a blank journal book for each and begin to clearly define for yourself what you require to be happy and successful in your career and at home. Be specific in your wants, needs and desires so that you can begin to focus your energy toward those things and most certainly, when you believe that it is possible for you then you will begin to see opportunities open for you in the direction of your vision.
Set forth your intentions. You cannot hit a target if you cannot see it. Once you have become clear about what you want from your career and in your love life then you can start to visualize yourself in that space. If you have been unfulfilled in past relationships, with lovers and workplace it will be challenging get out of the cycle of being unfulfilled. Visualizing yourself as you would like to experience your relationships and successful career opens your mind on a subconscious level to the belief that obtaining these things is actually a possibility for YOU. Hitting your target is much easier if you can see what it is that you are aiming for, so set forth your intentions.
Seek out necessary resources. When you stop learning you should be dead – I mean that literally. The time to learn is now and always. Read books, go to seminars, buy programs that will help you advance, attend retreats, talk to your mentors, have lunch with the CEO of your company and other successful people in life, and do whatever it takes to develop the necessary tools for obtaining massive success, abundance and overflowing love. No need to wait until the need arises to learn a new skill, by that time you are already behind the curve. Add the knowledge to your toolbox and when needed you will instinctively use what you already know.
Push beyond your limitations. While comfort zones are comfortable, they are also limiting. Sometimes we get caught in these comfort zones and mistake them for what is “meant to be” but you’ll find that if you are willing to push yourself out of this space you will likely be met with success and happiness beyond your imagination. If you’ve only ever dated one type of person then open yourself to others. African American women are notorious for this by exclusively dating within the race, but the love of her life may not be of her nationality and by limiting herself; she’ll never have the opportunity to find out. If you’ve only ever worked one type of job, it may be time to adapt your skill set and look into another. There’s the old adage that says if you do what you’ve always done then you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. That couldn’t be more truthful. Is it time for you to push beyond your limitations?
Go above and beyond. Don’t be afraid to take on new challenges without being instructed to do so. Take the initiative to do more than is expected of you. Since mediocrity is the norm your enthusiastic efforts to do more will be noticed and presumably rewarded. More importantly, you will begin to have higher standards for yourself which will undoubtedly set you apart from the rest. And as you know, top quality positions take top quality people to fill them; professionally and personally. If it is your intention to secure a worthy position in your career and love life, then it is up to you to standout from the crowd.
Take action now. Procrastination can be your worst enemy. The most common reasons that people procrastinate is because they don’t know where/how to begin, it appears overwhelming, they haven’t obtained the proper resources and they are afraid of change. Rarely is it because they are lazy. Laziness is something completely different. There is no better time than now to take action toward achieving your own success and happiness. NOW is the right time to get clear, set forth your intentions, seek out the necessary resources, push beyond your limitations, and to go above and beyond. Are you not worth a successful career, a happy home and enjoying the love of your life? It is up to you to put your plan in motion.

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Power Couples: Who Really Has The Upper Hand?

Angel Tyree — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 21:30:37 +0000

Will and Jada, Jay-Z and Beyonce, and Khloé & Lamar all come to mind when you toss out the phrase “power couples” these days but when two very powerful individuals come together who really has the power?

Typically, the balance of power in any relationship is dominated by the person who brings home the biggest slab of bacon – the one who makes the most money rules. In most scenarios, the person who earns the most money has the power and their spouse/partner is often reluctant to voice and discouraged from any opinion that conflicts with the ‘powerful’ person. It is only in extremely rare cases that the person who has the money doesn’t feel the need to sling around their power where true balance can be achieved, that this type of dynamic works well for both parties. Pulling the purse strings in order to manipulate your partner is shallow. You should never demean, berate or disempower your partner by throwing around your power like King D*ck Willie – it’s a recipe for disaster.

Ideally, healthy and thriving relationships need to be more of an even partnership, and a disparity in power is often not conducive to relationships that are high-quality, vigorous, and stable. Recently, J-Lo and Marc Anthony split and it is rumored that J-Lo has stated that he was overly controlling. When two people are more evenly yoked in financial assets then the power scale balances out and if both parties are not in a clear mental space of equality then the struggle can get even tougher.

If your relationships are woven with integrity and each person is valued for whatever they bring to the relationship, then falling into the ‘power trap’ won’t ever become an issue. It is when one involved party is viewed as the lesser, based on financial attributes, that the imbalance presents itself and power struggles arise. If, as a couple you can mutually agree that there will be differences in contributions but that the total sum of you together is what makes the relationship tick, then you may be able to escape the pitfalls of POWER. It is simply not healthy for one person in the relationship to feel like they ‘owe’ or are ‘owed’ for financial contributions made by the other for the good of the relationship.

Creating relationships where both of your opinions matter and everyone is valued is paramount to creating lasting relationships. There will always be varying power dynamics but for the most part, a healthy balance can be created with a little respect, appreciation and compromise. Having power over your partner is never a good idea but having the power to choose how you want to treat your partner is a beautiful thing.

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Go Ahead And Make The First Move Ms. Independent! Ask Him Out