I sympathize with my male counterparts. Sure some lag behind in the whole independent living thing but I see you, and what you’re working towards. It’s 2012 and ladies we are not growing up in the same world our parents did. Love is patience.

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There are so many choices we are given to customize our lifestyles that generations previous to us did not have. I am grateful but at the same time it has created an impatient generation of emotional brats.

One of the most common complaints I hear from those coupled up is that dude just doesn’t get it. He keeps dancing around the idea of marriage or children and he’s too damn comfortable.

He’s taking too long, I don’t see where this relationship is going. I don’t want to be in the same boat later on down the road. What if he never steps up to the plate?!

AHHH!

Could it occur to you that you are also not ready for such a big lifestyle altering change? Just because something triggers hunger panes to your biological clock doesn’t necessarily mean you need to start popping out babies. The same as cravings are an indication of malnourishment of the pleasure-seeking part of the brain and not necessarily needed for survival.

Many times what stops a dude from taking it to the next level is your faith in him. He’s kept you satisfied for this long and at some point you were invested but now it’s not good enough. Believe me I love getting my way, so I can relate but instead of pushing for the play observe the court for a second.

Part of coaching and being a supportive partner is working with what is currently happening in the game by supporting the flow of things as opposed to drafting new plays on the sideline watching all the action go by. Perfect the system you have now. Have faith in your future. Have faith in each other. Have faith in your choice of partner.

What types of things do you look for in a long term partner? Would you be willing to stick by them while they work on building a better life even if it may not necessarily involve you? If so, for how long do you stick it out?

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’m 24 years old and my boyfriend of two years is 30 years old, but we have been knowing each other for four years.

I have a son from a previous relationship that he adores, and he has four children from a previous relationship that I adore. Everything is as good as it can possibly be and I couldn’t be happier. But, about a month and a half ago he brought up the topic of marriage and has been talking about it every since. Ironically, we have the same last name already (I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, you better check to make sure y’all not related,” which I did). People already assume we are married. He has been married once before and it ended ugly, so I feel that it was necessary to tell him that the topic makes me a little nervous because once I get married I don’t want to get a divorce. He said he understands because he doesn’t want to get married and divorced again, and he wants me to be the woman he grows old with.

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I have no problem with marrying him, but I want to know is it normal to feel nervous when it comes to the topic of marriage, or am I just over thinking the whole situation? Should I Or Shouldn’t I

Dear Ms. Should I Or Shouldn’t I,

Yes, girl, it’s just pre-marital jitters, and many people feel them. It’s a new step in a new direction. And, the thought of being married along with the amount of work and commitment it takes is hard work. So, a lot of people get nervous and scared. It can be pressures of having to be perfect, or not getting it wrong, and feeling like a failure if it doesn’t work. Many thoughts and scenarios are running through your mind of what can go wrong. Stop focusing on the negative, and start thinking of all the things that can go right!

And, I’m glad that you shared with your boyfriend how you actually feel. Some folks would have lied, and ignored the conversation, and eventually they would begin to push their mates away, or put up a wall and not communicate. So, kudos to you.

Now, to handle these premarital jitters, well, I suggest you speak with a marriage counselor, and definitely get premarital counseling from your pastor, or spiritual leader. The jitters, and nervousness you have can be dealt with, and you can have a professional help you get to the root of your concerns. There may be something there that you are not aware of, and talking about it will help you and your boyfriend.

I’m tending to waver on the side of two things: He’s been married before, and that scares you. He’s had experience in being married, and has an expectation. Also, you’re 24 years old, and he’s 30 years old. That’s a major age difference. You haven’t really lived through your 20s yet, and he has. So, that can play into some of the jitters.

Here’s a novel idea: You can sit down with your boyfriend and make a list of the pros and cons about marriage. Write down what you are looking forward to. What’s exciting about being married to each other, and more importantly, what and how do you define marriage. I get too many letters from married folks who didn’t get premarital counseling, and they didn’t talk with their mates about what marriage meant for them. They just marched their happy asses down the aisle, said “I do,” had a party, and BAM! It hits them weeks later after the hoopla has died down, and the issues arise. The problems smack them dead in the face. They realize they have nothing in common, they hate each other, talk badly to one another, and treat each other like dogs. And, it all could have been avoided if they had received some counseling. But, folks are too damn fast these days.

So, make the list, sit and talk with your boyfriend, and definitely get into some premarital counseling. If you feel in your heart he is the man for you, the man you can see yourself being with for the rest of your life, and you’re willing to make it work when times get hard, and you’re going to stick it out through sickness and in health, the good and the bad, then honey, marry that man. I now pronounce you ____________________________. LOL! Let me stop. Girl, work through your jitters and start preparing your wedding. Enjoy each day and moment as you prepare down this journey, and make it a memorable occasion. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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Now, if you and your significant other share all the same friends, and everyone can sit together and sing “Kum Ba Ya” without killing each other (or the use of alcohol), then great. However, more often than not there is that one friend that is just a worthless waste of human existence (at least in your eyes) that your wife or husband hearts. Whether she’s the cackling sistah girl who didn’t think you were worth shit to begin with or that “big brother” guy pal YOU know always wanted to be more than that, these are people you will have to deal with, right? I mean, they have been friends forever. They have passed out on your couch. They were in your wedding. And, if you’ve married this woman or man, you on some level have accepted them as “friends”…right?

If you’re not sure, here are 5 types of friend-in-laws and my advice about how to best handle them:

1. The know-it-all sistahgirl. Hook her up with one of your “good guy” friends (see below). Just make sure that he doesn’t screw her over. It will be more trouble than it’s worth.
2. The space cadet. The chick who just seems late…to life. Have patience. She is usually also really hot, so it makes her a little more tolerable. If you’re not patient (and she is cute), kill her with kindness. Your wife will likely get really jealous and she will disappear.
3. The snob. Ignore her. Snobs hate that shit.
4. The wet blanket. She is sometimes No. 1 as well, but more often than not she is afraid…to do anything.
5. The good guy. That male best friend that used to listen to all her problems. There’s no easy way around this one. You just have to grin and bear it. Sorry.

And, if all else fails, just call in your dumbass friends that she hates. Yes, believe it or not, you have at least one… Yup, that one.

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Scott, Michelle doesn’t believe in you anymore. I can’t believe you for her. You have to convince her yourself. And from the looks of things, this probably needs to be your last apology. Your last apology because you will be perfect for the rest of your life or because Michelle decides that she cannot forgive you. 3 . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . GO!

“Michelle you know I love you, right . . .?”

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Stop right there! This is not a time for you to ask Michelle questions. This is a time for you to tell Michelle how you feel and to tell Michelle why you will not make the same mistakes that you have made in the past. Tell Michelle what is going to be different about you in the future. 3 . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . GO!

“Michelle I love you. I have always loved you. I have not always known how to express my love for you. Steven has taught me that love is an action. It is not just something that you say or feel, it is something that you show. I have learned that showing someone that you love them is something that requires consistency. I have not been consistent and that is something that I will correct immediately with the help of Steven.” (Scott looks at me. I look at Michelle . . . I wait for her response . . . nothing.)

That’s not good enough Scott. What else you got? Explain to Michelle how we talked about the reprioritization of your life.

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By and large, men are fairly simple creatures. If you feed us, sleep with us and occasionally buy us a gadget, we’re yours. In return, a husband has to do certain things, a la the “honey do” list. It’s usually a list of chores or errands that wives either can’t or won’t do (it’s usually ‘won’t'). My personal “honey do” list includes washing the cars, taking out the garbage, washing dishes, vaccuming, feeding the dog, plowing the corn fields and anything involving manual labor.

Now, it’s not that we mind doing the work (normally), but why do we need a list? Are we that irresponsible that we wouldn’t otherwise get my stuff done? Do we need to be reminded every weekend of our chores before we can go out and play? And what happens if the cars don’t get washed or the bathroom isn’t painted? Will someone die? Will the house fall into disarray? No… But you will have one pissed-off partner on your hands, and you know what they say about a woman scorned. It’s five times worse when she sleeps right next to you.

So, I hope you all learned something from this post. And I will be back next week with more of my insights as a new husband… As long as I make sure that I first shingle the roof, unclog the bathroom sink, build a deck, mow my in-laws’ lawn, sweep under the fridge…

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How are we doing today Michelle?

 ”I just don’t think that you can fix our marriage Steven. I am so angry at him. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to talk to him. I just want him to go away. Of the three things that you laid out in order for me to grant forgiveness, he has only done one! That one is contacting you and I don’t know how much credit I can give him for that because he has contacted counselors before and nothing has ever changed. He has not shown me any remorse. He has not changed. He cannot recommit until he has changed.”

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He has taken full responsibility for all of the troubles in your marriage. That is the first step in my process of developing leadership within a man. I have talked to Scott a number of times since you and I last talked. If it is ok with you, I would like to invite him in right now . . .

“He is here?”

I knew it would be necessary for him to apologize to you in person so I asked him to come back and meet with us again today. Is that ok?

“I guess, if he is here.”

Come on in Scott. I have this list in front of me of 54 things that you have done wrong to your wife. Were you aware that she had this many problems with you?

Click here to read more about The Hudson Family.
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Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

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Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

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Be a Woman All Day, Everywhere
Take pride and dignity in your womanhood. Have self respect. I tell women every day that if you don’t respect yourself, then no one in the relationship respects you. You make everyone else respect you, why do you let a man disrespect you? A man shouldn’t even have a choice in whether or not he is going to respect you.

Be Independent
Not just financially, but be an independent thinker overall. Take the time to learn you and what works best for you instead of taking someone else’s advice and forcing yourself into a box. Your core person should not change simply because you are in a relationship. Be independent of your man and have your own life, goals and ambitions.

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Stay On Your Tippy Toes
Don’t get comfortable and lazy on your man. Don’t just think that he is going to marry you because you have been together for a few years. Get fine-ER, get smart-ER, be bett-ER. A man wants to see growth in you and wants to be excited about who you will be in the future.

Turn His House Into a Home
As a single brother, my crib had the bare necessities. A woman came by one day and slowly started to upgrade my stuff in a very subtle but profound way because no woman had ever done it before. First it was a couple nice decorative candles; then she replaced my picture frames and artwork. She helped me paint a couple of rooms in my house. I was like “She knows what she doing, I am going to marry her.”

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How To Save A Marriage In One Year.

Step #1: For the first three months, it is self evaluation time. Are you a part of the problem? Many of you will not be able to answer this question truthfully so let me help you out a bit. If you can be a better spouse and you are not, then you are a part of the problem. I know it was a couple of years back and there was a lot of excitement at the time and you were probably hung over but on your wedding day at some point you vowed to be the best spouse in the world. Try that being the best spouse in the world thing before leaving your marriage. Being the best spouse is not about what your spouse deserves. It is about making sure that you are giving your best effort in your marriage.

Step #2: For the next three more months purge your anger. Get rid of your heartache and disappointment and most of all stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not the only person in the world that has had trouble in their marriage. Purging yourself of your anger is a decision that you have to make, it is not a feeling that you acquire over time. You have to say to yourself, “I can have a happy marriage if I can be a happy person.” You cannot save a marriage, compromise, meet halfway, see your spouse’s point of view, you can’t do anything for your marriage if you continue to blame them for your emotionally instability. You have to forgive and heal before you can start working on fixing your marriage. If you cannot purge your anger be sure to take responsibility and explain to all your friends and family that you are the problem and that marriage. Let your family know that your spouse deserves someone who will try a lot harder to save their marriage.

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The Divorce Is Not An Option Project – “The Hudson Family – Part 1″

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“We’ve Been Casually Dating, But Recently He Doesn’t Respond To My Texts Or Calls”

5 Ways To Balance The Scales Of Love

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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Help! I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, and we’ve been married for 2 years. We have 2 beautiful boys, but lately all I’ve been wanting to do is leave him. He wants to go out 6 to 7 days a week and come in at 5 in the morning. It wouldn’t be a problem if he took me along sometimes, but I can’t go at all. When I call to check on him he snaps and is real short with me.

When it comes to our kids he’s a great father indoors, but getting him to come out with us is impossible. It’s even getting to the point that our 5 year old asks why he’s not with us. In the beginning it was all good, like most relationships are, but when we got married he changed. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I tell him how I feel until I’m blue in the face and all he says is, “That’s you making you feel like that.”

We don’t do anything together and when I suggest we do it’s always, “No, I don’t feel like it.” I think he’s seeing someone else because he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never let it go when he’s woke. We used to be intimate almost every day, but now it’s like I have to beg for it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Do I stay for the kids or leave and try to find myself? Please help. – Looking For Myself

Dear Ms. Looking For Myself,

Girl, you’ve been with your husband for 6 years, and he’s acting different and brand new, and you can’t put your finger on it? Hmph! No ma’am! Don’t start doubting your womanly instincts now. PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! And, girl, if you don’t know him and his patterns by now, then I don’t know what to tell you. Men are predictable creatures. They love doing things that are in order, routine, and consistent. Now, look at your man’s recent behaviors and patterns and ask yourself if they have been routine or consistent in all the 6 years you’ve known him. I mean, come on sweetie. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or brain surgeon to add up the bull-ish he’s running on you to figure this out.

Chile, let me pull out my bull-ish calculator. Now, when I add that he is going out 6 to 7 days a week and coming in at 5 in the morning, I get that’s he’s cheating on your ass. I now add that when you call to check on him and he snaps and is real short with you, uhm, that equals that he is still cheating on your ass. Now, let’s add that you said you don’t even know who he is anymore, and when you tell him how you feel he replies, “That’s you making you feel like that,” I get that he is really cheating on your ass. I’m now going to multiply that since you don’t do anything together and when you do suggest something he replies, “No, I don’t feel like it.” Well, according to my bull-ish calculator it’s because he’s tired from being with his other woman that he’s cheating on you with.

Now, I’m going to do the square root of, “He’s cheating on your ass,” with the fact that he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never lets it go when he’s woke, and I get that “He’s a dirty trifling low-down dog with secrets and  he doesn’t want you to discover his indiscretions.” But, wait, let me do the square root of that with the fact that you used to be intimate every day, but now you have to beg for it and I get, “YOUR MAN IS CHEATING ON YOUR ASS AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP THE HELL UP AND STOP BEING SO DAMN NAÏVE AND GULLABLE!”

There is obviously a breakdown in the communication between you and your husband. He’s not respecting you or listening to your requests for time spent with the family. And, you’re not listening to whatever is going on with him. Besides, it’s not just what he is saying to you, but what he’s also doing to you and your children. His actions are speaking loud and very clear. So, perhaps you suggest some marriage counseling, or seek out your pastor for spiritual guidance. There is something going on with your husband and he is not being forthright with whatever it is. And, I hate to say he’s cheating, but a man who is married and leaving the house 6 to 7 nights a week, and not returning until 5 in the morning. Uhm, he’s doing something, or somebody. I wouldn’t tolerate that type of behavior without any explanations.

If you can’t get anywhere with open and honest communication, then you will have to consider some other options, but only after you’ve exhausted and explored all other possibilities. Again, there could be something going on that he’s not expressing, but his behavior is that of a man who has some indiscretions and secrets. Get to the root of his problem, and you’ll get to the issue of your marriage. Now, get to talking with him, and listen to what he’s saying, and pay attention to his actions. If he keeps acting up, then pack his –ish and get to stepping. Why try to make something work with someone who is obviously not interested or invested in being with you and your children? – Straight  From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Man Is On Porn & Dating Websites All Day & It Bothers Me”

7 Things A Man Only Does If He’s Serious About You

1. Give him some good love – If a man knows he can get it better at home he won’t be so anxious to find it somewhere else. Obviously this is a two way street and you should expect him to give you good love too. When I say love I don’t mean sex only. I mean treating each other with care.

Shaq Admits To Cheating In New Tell-All Book

2. Know his friends – No man in a relationship really has any business out on his own. If he goes anywhere, he’s rolling with his friends. If his friends know that you are the business, they will make sure he doesn’t make any mistakes.

Watch out for the ex-girlfriends. Hooking up with an ex doesn’t feel like cheating to a lot of guys especially if they have children together and your relationship with that person is new. You probably won’t win over the ex-girlfriend like you can with the friends, but you can talk to your man and find out his feelings on her.

Do Single Women Prefer Married Men?

3. Let Him Know The Consequences – Please Don’t say: “You better not cheat on me or I will burn your momma’s house down, blow you up on Twitter and slash your tires!”

Do say: “Just to let you know, I’d be really hurt if I found out that you cheated on me and I’d never be able to commit to repairing what we have together if that happened.” (WARNING: Only bring this up in a conversation about cheating please don’t come to your man with this out of the blue)

4. Let Him Know He’s Special - Cheating isn’t always about sex for men, it’s mostly about ego. That’s why good looking guys with good looking girlfriends cheat on them with ugly women. Even the smallest and most insignificant ego boost is satisfying for us. So stroke his ego when you can, and expect some stroking in return.

5. Take Interest – Take interest in your man’s life. Find out what he’s doing when he’s not around you and follow up after he does whatever he’s doing. This is in no way about snooping, it’s really about getting more involved in his life and getting in a rhythm of sharing. The conversation should go something like this:

You: What are you and your boys doing tonight?”

Him: We’re going to watch the game.

You: oh really, I will be watching the Lifetime channel all night. I can’t wait.

-Next day-

You: Hey did you have fun watching the game?

Him: Yes

You: Great!

At the end of the day a cheater is going to cheat, but if you take these steps you will probably find out faster than not.

Would You Dime Out Your Friend For Cheating?

Barack, an ambitious student at Harvard Law School, persistently pursued Michelle, who finally relented to a lunch date. According to the novel “Obama: From Promise to Power” Mrs. Obama recalls thinking, “Oh, here you go. Here’s this good-looking, smooth-talking guy. I’ve been down this road before.”

Fortunately, as the two continued their relationship, Michelle learned of Barack’s authenticity, articulation and commitment to others, spurring her to realize that “this guy was special…and that’s why I fell in love with him.” After almost 20 years of marriage and two beautiful daughters, the Obamas’ public display of a strong, and unwavering love is an inspiration to us all.

READ MORE ‘Black History In Love’: Make It Last Forever: Jay-Z And Beyonce

Why She Loves Him:

Although, Michelle may have had slight misgivings in the beginning of their relationship, she soon learned that “he [Barack] was a special person. And it had nothing to do with his education, it had nothing to do with potential,” instead “she fell in love with him for the same reason many other people respect him; his connection with people,” she stated while giving advice to a group of young London girls at Oxford University.  Furthermore, during this talk, the first lady mentioned that she was “struck by the love Obama felt for his little sister and their mother, who died when they were young.”

Further strengthening her love, in 1991, when Michelle’s father passed away, Barack left in the middle of class, and flew to Chicago to provide support during her time of need.

Why He Loves Her:

Throughout his political career, Michelle Obama has proven to be Barack Obama’s personal and professional equal. As a Princeton alumna and fellow Harvard Law graduate, Michelle Obama has garnered both love and respect from her husband. In a 2008 MSNBC article, President Obama referred to “his wife Michelle as ‘the love of my life’ during his election night victory speech, embracing her tightly and kissing her afterward, while millions of people worldwide watched.”

READ: 5 Embarrassing Black Moments We Wished Never Happened

Why They Work:

Ultimately, as an equal partnership and a working couple, Obama has stated, “What I value most about my marriage is that it is separate and apart from a lot of the silliness of Washington, and Michelle is not part of that silliness.” According to a New York Times profile on the Obamas, they have consistently had to combine politics and marriage and seamlessly make them work.

When interviewed about the Obamas, Gil Troy, professor of history at McGill University, stated, “unlike the Clintons — and more like the Bushes — the Obamas appear to be a solid couple, devoted to each other, with no fidelity questions hovering overhead.” Again, this devotion for each other came into play during an interview with Ebony when Michelle was asked about fidelity, declaring “That is between Barack and me,” she said, “and if somebody can come between us, we didn’t have much to begin with.” Maintaining their privacy in the media storm that is their life has been a constant battle, but they do so with grace and confidence.

Why We Love Them:

Where to start! From the images of them gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, to the physical support they provide each other and public displays of affection, we all have fallen in love with the first couple. For Americans, the Obamas provide an image of a powerful and positive black couple in love, which is not often portrayed in the media.

According to Micheal Perry, a librarian at Harlem’s Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, “With such a high percentage of black people unmarried, everyone is looking for images of black love,” and “[The Obamas] personify that. It makes people say, ‘Wow, we want to be like them.’ ”

The Obamas serve as role models for a healthy marriage and the love and affection they share for each other appeal to the romantic in all of us.

Start Gallery

Please help!  I’ve been going with my “fiancé” for nearly four years.  His ex divorced him five years ago (we met a year after his divorce), after they were married for 15 years. He has a now-17-year-old son with her. There were a lot of issues in his marriage and admits he was a terrible father. He had a substance and alcohol addiction problem and had difficulties holding down a job. He currently owes a LOT of back child support. He now works a fairly good job, although it’s low paying (but regular and long hours), and child support payments are deducted from his paychecks.

However, I feel his past issues with the ex are not my problem. I’ve tried to be supportive of him, even though we’ve had our own issues:  He has stolen from me and lied to me.  We’ve been in counseling and have tried to heal and I’ve tried to work with him to rebuild the trust.  Yet, he’s secretive about his relationship with the ex.

I feel it’s out of guilt that he behaves the way he does, and I feel she manipulates him because of the way he treated her in the marriage. (He may even have been unfaithful to her; I’m not sure.)  But now she’s DIVORCED from him. She shouldn’t be trying to get MY money from him. (We were living together for a year and-a-half until I kicked him out because he took money that he earned from side jobs that I found for him and gave the money to HER.)

Now he’s living with his brother and sister-in-law, sleeping in a kids’ bedroom and living like a 16-year-old with a 10 p.m. curfew. (I think this is good for him and is exactly what he needs at this point.)  His brother and sister-in-law will not put up with any crap from him. I tried not to, but he walked all over me. When he is late coming home now (past his 10 p.m. curfew), he has to sleep outside in his car. He isn’t allowed to have a key to his brother’s house.

He has asked me to let him come back and live with me. I’ve told him NO WAY. He wants to marry me, or so he claims, but he still carries on a secret relationship with the ex.

I understand that he will always have to have contact with her because of their son. BUT:  He visits with her at her house and never tells me when or what’s going on. I’ve NEVER met her, and she won’t allow me near their house. Once, we pulled up in her driveway after church (I was waiting in the car), and she came out of the house screaming and told him to get his “girlfriend” off the property and never to bring “her” near the house again or she would call the police. She won’t let me near the 17-year-old son and badmouths me to the son, whom I’ve only seen twice in the nearly four years I’ve been going with my fiancé.

How do I handle this? My fiancé is not moving toward marrying me. We’re Catholic and since both of us have been married before, in order to be married in the Church, we have to go through the annulment process. I started the paperwork process with our Church two years ago, but my fiancé won’t continue with the paperwork. It’s always an excuse. He has not been able to put any money away and is always broke. (He’s bankrupt.) He had a chance to get his bankruptcy resolved by my CPA for whom I work (free of charge) and he canceled the appointment. Now my CPA doesn’t want anything to do with him.

He still claims I’m “the love of his life” and that “one day” I will be his wife and that I’m his “wife” in his mind.

What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.

The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation. Thanks for your advice. – He’s My Man

Dear Ms. He’s My Man,

Girl, girl, girl! Really? Really! Today, you’re going to bring this bull-ish to me and it’s only the middle of the damn week?!

I was cracking up reading your letter and saying to myself, “She is truly a bird. She is truly special. And, I’m talking about special ed. As a matter of fact, I’m enrolling you in my special ed classes at my Academy for Retarded Ass-Backward Women Who Don’t Know Their Ass From A Hole In A Ground.”

You have got to be out of your got damn mind to want to marry this man. You have got to be the dumbest woman living on the face of earth to even get wrapped up in this madness and drama with this man.

I’m going to list several reasons why you should not get married to him:

1.)    He has stolen from you.

2.)    He has lied to you.

3.)    You’ve only met his 17-year old son twice in four years.

4.)    He is a drug addict and alcoholic.

5.)    He is broke and bankrupt.

6.)    He is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Trust me. He is!

7.)    He is keeping secrets from you, and therefore, he is not honest or truthful, or trustworthy.

8.)    He’s living in his brother and sister-in-law’s home, with a curfew, and he has no key to the home because they don’t even trust him.

9.)    The money he earned from side jobs you helped him find he gave the money to his ex.

Finally, in order to get married you have to file annulment paperwork, which you have done, but he somehow can’t seem to finish. Thus, this means you’re not worth the time and effort. In essence: YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!

Now listen here, sweetie, if every time you go out of your way to help him, and he doesn’t want to help himself, then why do you keep getting on your knees and kissing his left and right ass cheeks? Stop licking and sucking his ass. He’s not worth it.

But here’s the thing, all of you are treating him like a kid. Which he is. You’re babying him and holding his hand, and trying to get him to do the right thing. His brother is babying him and treating him like a kid. And, even his ex-wife is coddling him and manipulating him. Hmmmm, you see where I’m going with this? He’s a grown ass kid and won’t make any adult choices for himself because all of you are doing it for him. How about all of you treat him like an adult, and when he finds himself with no place to live, struggling with his finances, and he has to actually do things for himself, then hopefully his grown ass will grow the “F” up.

I’m going to wrap this up and I hope you will think for once in your life. And, I mean actually use your brain for something more intellectual other than watching Jerry Springer, Maury, and other non-academic or brain stimulating activities. How can this man actually afford to take care of you if he owes sooooo much back child support, he’s financially inept, bankrupt, and works a minimum wage job?  And, you say he says that you’re the love of his life. LMBAO! You’re actually wrong. You are the mother of his life. Don’t get it twisted. Then you ask, “What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.” Then stop. Someone can’t break your heart unless you allow them to. Stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his crusty nasty ass feet on your heart.

You go on to say, “The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation.” If you know this and he’s not doing anything to help the situation, then why are you still there? Why are you hoping he will do what he’s supposed to and after five years of being with him he’s done nothing for you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to end this and let it marinate in your thick ass brainless skull. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

My fiancé and I have been together for going on five years. We had a very rough start, but he came around. After a year or so being together we moved in together. He asked me to marry him after a huge fight and me wanting to move out. I love this man with all of my heart, but I said, “No,” because I felt it was the wrong time to be asking that sort of question.

After we worked things out, he asked me again. This time I said yes! Fast forward three and half years, and now he doesn’t want to get married. After we’ve set a date and everything he says we do not need a piece of paper to know we are married! He says he will do it for me, but for everyone else asking his remarks and expressions say he doesn’t! Why would he ask me to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Where is this going? – Does He Really Want To Get Married

Dear Ms. Does He Really Want To Get Married,

SMDH! Chile, I swear you pressed and unrelenting women don’t and won’t learn.

You want to know where it’s going? Uhm, nowhere.

You want to know why would he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Because underneath all your drama, nagging, and complaining he really never ever wanted to get married. I’m certain that it’s YOU who wants to get married. And, to make you happy and to keep a happy home, he is doing what he thinks you want him to do. Therefore, like most men who don’t really want to get married, but the pressures from their girlfriends who won’t stop nagging and bringing up the marriage issue a man will get to the point where he will be like, “Okay! Damn! Let’s get married. Let’s do this and hopefully you will shut the hell up!!!”

But, also like most men, they will tell you truth after careful consideration, thought, and processing that they do not want to get married. They never wanted to get married and the only reason he is doing it is because YOU want to get married. YOU want the wedding. YOU want to show off to your friends and family members that YOU got a man to agree to walk down the aisle and profess his love for you. LMBAO!

This is what I don’t understand and I do hope that someone will please explain it to me: Why do you women date these men for years on end, move in, play house and do all the things a married couple does, and then all of a sudden it dawns on you that you have no ring on your finger and you start demanding he makes a woman out of you and marry you? DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING TYPE OF SENSE? I swear you’re some ass backwards thinking and doing folks. Now you want to back track and do things the right way. Now you want to reverse what’s already been set forth.

And, weren’t you the one who said, “No,” when he asked you initially to marry him? Now, you’re all concerned and perturbed because he’s telling you he doesn’t need a piece of paper for you to know you’re married. And, the only reason he will do it is for you! Now, listen to what he is saying. Pay attention because I’m certain that comprehension is not your strong suit.  LMBAO! Please, baby Jesus make it stop! This is what he is saying: HE IS ONLY GOING TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Now, you have an option: You can either ignore his desire not to be married and force him down the aisle and live a life of misery and unhappiness with a man who feels his is doing something he really wants to do, but will only do it to appease you? Or, you can wait and do some marriage counseling courses, and get to the root of why he doesn’t want to get married. And, you can save yourself the heartache, pain, and agony of trying to be with a man who will probably be much happier if you wanted and allowed him to be the initiator for marriage. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Would You Sign A Two-Year Marriage License To Avoid The Divorce Process?

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

Well, they are doing it for a reason. Nearly half of marriages in Mexico end in divorce, usually in the first two years, so implementing this license would keep couples from “going through the tortuous process of divorce,” according to assemblyman who co-authored the bill.

As accommodating as that sounds, we’re having a hard time wrapping our minds around how pessimistic and reactive this sounds. Why not be proactive and do your diligence of choosing the right one, the right way, the first time around?

What do you all think?

Spotted at Cosmo.

“I’m Seeing A Married Man, And He’s Waiting Until His Son Turns 18 To Leave His Wife”

Are Marriages No Longer “Forever” But Instead, “For The Next Few Years?”

Start Gallery

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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1. Give him some good love – If a man knows he can get it better at home he won’t be so anxious to find it somewhere else. Obviously this is a two way street and you should expect him to give you good love too. When I say love I don’t mean sex only. I mean treating each other with care.

Shaq Admits To Cheating In New Tell-All Book

2. Know his friends – No man in a relationship really has any business out on his own. If he goes anywhere, he’s rolling with his friends. If his friends know that you are the business, they will make sure he doesn’t make any mistakes.

Watch out for the ex-girlfriends. Hooking up with an ex doesn’t feel like cheating to a lot of guys especially if they have children together and your relationship with that person is new. You probably won’t win over the ex-girlfriend like you can with the friends, but you can talk to your man and find out his feelings on her.

Do Single Women Prefer Married Men?

3. Let Him Know The Consequences – Please Don’t say: “You better not cheat on me or I will burn your momma’s house down, blow you up on Twitter and slash your tires!”

Do say: “Just to let you know, I’d be really hurt if I found out that you cheated on me and I’d never be able to commit to repairing what we have together if that happened.” (WARNING: Only bring this up in a conversation about cheating please don’t come to your man with this out of the blue)

4. Let Him Know He’s Special - Cheating isn’t always about sex for men, it’s mostly about ego. That’s why good looking guys with good looking girlfriends cheat on them with ugly women. Even the smallest and most insignificant ego boost is satisfying for us. So stroke his ego when you can, and expect some stroking in return.

5. Take Interest – Take interest in your man’s life. Find out what he’s doing when he’s not around you and follow up after he does whatever he’s doing. This is in no way about snooping, it’s really about getting more involved in his life and getting in a rhythm of sharing. The conversation should go something like this:

You: What are you and your boys doing tonight?”

Him: We’re going to watch the game.

You: oh really, I will be watching the Lifetime channel all night. I can’t wait.

-Next day-

You: Hey did you have fun watching the game?

Him: Yes

You: Great!

At the end of the day a cheater is going to cheat, but if you take these steps you will probably find out faster than not.

Would You Dime Out Your Friend For Cheating?

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Top 5 Destinations For Outdoor Lovers

Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

Dating: Time To Go Back to Basics

I Haven’t Dated A Brother Ever Since My Asian/White Ex, And I’m Afraid To Start Again”

Tyler Perry

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If his style was one of the reasons you broke up, check out these tips

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work.  What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself?  Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth.  Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship.

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real.  So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?”

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface.

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother?

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to  make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process.

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be.

Good Luck!

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I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years.

Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good.

We got married in August and I found out I was pregnant in January. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost.

We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up.

I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. It’s November and my baby’s due and our lease is up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again.  I’m on my last straw, the last days of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again,

Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is!

Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. Your fool damn self is over there listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that.

Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, i.e., He cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.”

Uhm, sorry boo boo, you may have had the pomp and circumstance of a wedding with all your friends and family present, the flower girl, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the thousands of dollars spent on feeding all those damn people, however while you were standing in your off-brand knock-off Vera Wang dress looking starry-eyed professing your vows of marriage, he was lost in space thinking to himself, “How the hell did I end up here? And, which one of these chicks I’m going to bang in the back room.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER.

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly ass broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and in your small ass heads. You thirsty ass chicks wear me so thin! You’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. And, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from these men’s nut sacs!

Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum ass dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in the equation and cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me, there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO!

Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. And, I mean take a good look at yourself, how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his ass. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, what little his broke ass has. And, put his ass on child support payments. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I remember watching things take a turn for the worse until ultimately they too ended up getting divorced. I thought if my parents can get a divorce after being married for over 20 years, what does that say about marriage as a whole. What’s more is that, not only do I see failed marriages amongst family and friends, I constantly see it in the media as well.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are black celebrity power couples (that in my honest opinion seem to stay together longer than any other race of celeb couples) that are still married and have been married since forever. Couples like Barack and Michelle Obama, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Denzel and Pauletta Washington, Omar and Keisha Epps, Beyonce and Jay Z and Snoop Dogg and Shaunte Broadus have been together for years so I am not saying that it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is that it is becoming less common to stay married and more common to divorce.

What do you think is the reason for this? Do we simply not value the union of marriage anymore or is marriage so disposable that we no longer have the desire to fight to maintain it?

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The Married Life: Who Comes First, The Mother Or The Wife?

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Now, if you and your significant other share all the same friends, and everyone can sit together and sing “Kum Ba Ya” without killing each other (or the use of alcohol), then great. However, more often than not there is that one friend that is just a worthless waste of human existence (at least in your eyes) that your wife or husband hearts. Whether she’s the cackling sistah girl who didn’t think you were worth shit to begin with or that “big brother” guy pal YOU know always wanted to be more than that, these are people you will have to deal with, right? I mean, they have been friends forever. They have passed out on your couch. They were in your wedding. And, if you’ve married this woman or man, you on some level have accepted them as “friends”…right?

If you’re not sure, here are 5 types of friend-in-laws and my advice about how to best handle them:

1. The know-it-all sistahgirl. Hook her up with one of your “good guy” friends (see below). Just make sure that he doesn’t screw her over. It will be more trouble than it’s worth.
2. The space cadet. The chick who just seems late…to life. Have patience. She is usually also really hot, so it makes her a little more tolerable. If you’re not patient (and she is cute), kill her with kindness. Your wife will likely get really jealous and she will disappear.
3. The snob. Ignore her. Snobs hate that shit.
4. The wet blanket. She is sometimes No. 1 as well, but more often than not she is afraid…to do anything.
5. The good guy. That male best friend that used to listen to all her problems. There’s no easy way around this one. You just have to grin and bear it. Sorry.

And, if all else fails, just call in your dumbass friends that she hates. Yes, believe it or not, you have at least one… Yup, that one.

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5 Ways To Keep Your Man From Cheating

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I’m a male who is going through a separation right now. I’m 32 and she is 27. We have been married 5 years. I knew her for 9 years. We have no kids. We were having issues within our marriage with communication. There was no abuse or cheating. She started to tell me that she felt something was missing, and she didn’t know what it was. We got along great. Toward the end she felt that we were more like friends and roommates.

I really want to work on this relationship. She said that she needed some space. She moved back in with her mom, which her mom doesn’t even like me for reasons I don’t know. I never believed in therapy, but she insisted on going. We went 3 times and she stopped. She said it was because of time and money. I told her that I would pay for the sessions. I still go to better myself. I also know that she is seeing someone that she only knew for a week. She doesn’t know that I know. I need some advice on how to deal with this and any advice on how to get her back. She finally admitted to seeing this other guy and he is already professing his love. He even bought her tickets to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. Oh yeah, they met on FaceBook. He is 34. They met on 9/15. Help me. I need some advice to get her back. – Need My Wife Back

“I Have A Fear Of Being Alone And Don’t Know How To Break The Cycle Of Codependency”

Dear Mr. Need My Wife Back,

Sigh! You sound like a really good dude. But, I hate to be the bearer of bad news my brother, but, uhm, you need to let her go. You need to give her the space she needs to do what she wants and allow her to find her way back to you. But, on the real, she has moved on. She has separated herself from you and is already getting it in with another man. Therefore, she has moved on. Open your eyes and stop being naïve.

The fact that your wife told you that she felt something was missing in your marriage and that she felt more like friends and roommates with you is a tell-tale sign that she was not interested in you sexually or physically. She had started the process months, probably years ago, of mentally placing you in a category where she would not desire or want you.

I know it’s hard hearing this because it’s difficult to let someone you love, and whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with just walk out of your life. It’s hard seeing them move on and you desperately want to make it work. But, the truth of the matter is that SHE IS GONE! (You’re standing there with your hand out with roses waiting on her to return and she is waving to you saying goodbye)

You even stated that she recommended counseling, and after 3 visits she stopped coming. She figured why waste her time, money, and energy when she had already made up in her mind that she didn’t want to fix your marriage. She didn’t want to invest in you or it. And, my question to you, my brother, is if someone doesn’t want to invest in you, your relationship, or make any attempts to save/salvage your marriage, then why are you trying to hold on to them? Stop holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held. Stop trying to make someone commit to you when they can’t even commit to themselves. Stop trying to make someone be with you who does not want to be with you. Do you see how simple and easy that is? Do you see how you can save yourself the heartache and pain of being hurt even further if you just listen to what they are saying to you, and how they are treating you? When someone wants to walk out of your life let them go. Hell, get them some running shoes and let them sprint out of your life.

But, I truly believe that some folks are gluttons for pain. They are gluttons for heartache and drama. Chile, you better stop this madness before you find yourself stalking and staking outside her momma’s house hiding in the bushes. Don’t let this drive you to become disillusioned in your head and you start acting and doing sill ass –ish for the sake of love and saving your marriage. I am not trying to hear about you on the six o’clock news.

It’s time to look at the blessings and thank her for the gift she gave you. I know you don’t see it now, but she did you a favor. And, there are several of them, but here is one: You stated that you didn’t believe in therapy, and when she recommended it you were reluctant, but you went. And, although she doesn’t continue with the sessions, you have continued and they have made you a better person. Yes, that’s a blessing. You are working on you. And, now it’s time to heal, move forward, and stop obsessing over her and her new man. So what if he is professing his love to her after only a few weeks of meeting. And, so what he bought tickets for them to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. You sit over there and stew in hatred, bitterness, and anger, but she is going to be in Puerto Rico having fun for her birthday. Who’s going to look like the fool?

I tell you what, why don’t you buy yourself a ticket to some foreign or exotic place. And, I know the perfect places – Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic or even Rio De Jenairo, Brazil. Go. Have you some fun.  Trust me. You will thank me later.

The second blessing is that she has shown you what it is to love and love yourself. You are getting back to the essence of you, of who you are. Learn to love you, and how to love someone else. The next woman you meet will be so amazing, phenomenal, beautiful, intelligent, spiritually grounded, and designed for you by God. Again, you can’t see it now because you’re focused on the right now. You’re focused on “My wife left me and has moved on.” Stop mopping, crying, and whining. Ugh! I can’t stand to see a grown ass man with no backbone, and no balls. Let your nuts hang and let them swing. It’s time to man-up.

So, start the process of forgiving your wife. Forgive her and yourself. You made mistakes. It didn’t work and now it’s time to move, and it’s okay. You recognize what went wrong, and now you can move forward and begin to heal and learn from the mistakes. Get your big boy drawers on, and give yourself three months to see if your wife will want to make amends. If nothing changes and she’s not interested, then start the divorce proceedings, get your affairs in order (financially and emotionally) and throw the deuces up. It’s time to be and do you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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While communication will take a never-ending effort to keep relevant issues that are integral to the relationship alive and pinned up frustrations at bay, here are a few tips to keep the lines of communication flowing openly:

1. Shut up and listen! One of the most important things that you can do for your relationship is to listen to your partner for the sake of validating his/her voice. When listening to your partner try to refrain from interrupting, using body language to negate what is being shared by your partner, and thinking of what you want to say next. Be present. Listen attentively. Reaffirm what you heard him/her say. Respect that your partner has an opinion, valid emotions and a voice within the relationship.
2. Agree to disagree. The beauty of the garden is the difference of the flowers. Fortunately, you won’t always agree on every issue and herein lays an opportunity to respectfully disagree. Make every effort to understand your partners’ point-of-view and if there is no mutual agreement, then by all means – agree to disagree. The key is to be able to talk out those differences free of negative and condescending judgments with intentions of meeting in the middle.
3. Dismiss your ego from the conversation. Sadly, most people would rather be right (or worse, prove the other person wrong) than to be happy. Often it is your ego that fuels arguments, is unwilling to compromise and ultimately destroys the relationship. There must be a relinquishing of “me”, in the sense of ego involvement, to communicate for the sake of the relationships sustainability.
4. Be honest with yourself, first. If you know vital components of your personality to be true that will be pivotal and possibly detrimental to your relationship then it is your duty to accept “who you really are” and share that information with your partner. If you have anger management issues, you are/have been violent in relationships, you like to have multiple partners, you don’t like to keep a steady job, you torture animals…you get the picture. When you lie to yourself about your authentic-self, then you are setting your relationships up for fail – because who you are will eventually present itself once you have relaxed into your comfort zone.
5. Practice healthy detachment. When couples communicate bringing heartfelt concerns, intimate personal details and ideals to the conversation it is important to be detached from your projected outcome. While it is important to stay positive and optimistically anticipate a “happy ending” to the communication, it is equally as important to not be rigidly attached to the final outcome. There has to be flexible room for reaching a common ground that sometimes includes compromise to reach a mutually agreeable outcome.

Mastering good communication skills is necessary for all areas of life; personal and professional. The skills presented here can benefit every area of your life if applied. While there is no absolute that your relationship will last forever, having good communication will assuredly make you a better person and likely attract people to you who are willing to be better communicators. Good luck!

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Well, they are doing it for a reason. Nearly half of marriages in Mexico end in divorce, usually in the first two years, so implementing this license would keep couples from “going through the tortuous process of divorce,” according to assemblyman who co-authored the bill.

As accommodating as that sounds, we’re having a hard time wrapping our minds around how pessimistic and reactive this sounds. Why not be proactive and do your diligence of choosing the right one, the right way, the first time around?

What do you all think?

Spotted at Cosmo.

“I’m Seeing A Married Man, And He’s Waiting Until His Son Turns 18 To Leave His Wife”

Are Marriages No Longer “Forever” But Instead, “For The Next Few Years?”

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Since I am known for lending relationship advice and talking candidly about sex on my radio show, I am accustomed to getting questions about relationship/sex issues so to have people just open conversation about the topic is normal. But even I was speechless about this.

Years ago I’d heard of a single case like this, with a guy who was recently released from incarceration wanting his wife to strap him – I chalked that up to him having been touched while in prison and possibly liking the experience. Maybe I was naive about the B.O.B. (Bend Over Boyfriend) some 15 years ago, but after researching the trend I am finding that it is becoming increasingly common among committed heterosexual couples.

In my most recent book, Recession Proof Relationships, I write about keeping the romance steamy by experimenting in the bedroom but when I wrote it, I wasn’t thinking STRAPPING YOUR MAN. I was leaning more along the lines of role play, voyeurism, watching porn together to find new positions, tantric sex, Karma Sutra and adding sex toys to the mix.

Needless to say, the conversation was explosive. One of the ladies, who had been married for over 12 years, said that she was initially turned off when her husband approached her about strapping him. “I was like, if he wants me to do that then he must be gay”, she said, continuing on to say “I was so confused I could barely talk to him for days.” Another woman said that her man doesn’t want her to use a strap but he likes for her to insert her vibrator in him while he’s inside of her.  Huh?

I must admit that the majority of the women were just as flabber-gasted at the entire conversation as I was. The look of bewilderment and awkward silence from the other women confirmed that while it seems to be a growing trend that it is certainly not the norm.

Here is what I have to say about strapping your man:

• Do what is mutually stimulating for you both and keeps the spice in your relationship.
• Don’t feel that you have to try something for your partner that makes your stomach queasy.
• Do communicate openly and honestly about how you are feeling.
• Don’t compromise the integrity of your intuition if your gut is saying to flee the scene.
• Do be safe about any sexual exchanges.
• Don’t tell all of your girlfriends your bedroom details (could be a little over-the-top.)
• Do whatever makes you happy.

I am a firm believer that a couple must define their own rules and determine what works for them. I also advocate for living a limitless life; having the freedom to be who you are and to do what makes you happy. I even believe in unconditional love but on the continuum of sexual fluidity the blurred lines of sexuality in men is still a conundrum to me.

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“He Admitted To Being With A She-Male But Only After I Discovered Info On His Computer”

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I was so scared to write to you because you are brutally honest.

Anyway, I am a 23-year old black female and have been married since I was 19 years old. My husband is 27 now. He was 23 when we got married. Yeah I know I was young, but I love my man. I really do. I’d do anything for him and he knows it but I think he uses that to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong I am not an angel.

First, I moved from Seattle to Boston at 19, quit my job, left college (but am back in school now here in Boston). I have no family or true friends here in Boston. My mom does not agree with my decisions but her and I have been having problems since the beginning of time. She’s 38 and I am 23. We fight like sisters. But back to my man. When we first started things were ok, but things changed quickly. We started fighting. He had anger and trust issues because of his past. He was emotionally abusive and that took a while to stop, but he did. Things got really rocky when I missed my family so much that I moved back west for 6 months. When I came back to Boston, things were even worse, but we worked thru it. It was the worst time of my life. I cried like every day. Remember I said I ain’t no angel but I am not a cheater or a liar. I just talk a lot of -ish when am being attacked. I mean I take low blows when I feel like I am being attacked and I have a hard time listening when I am mad. Mind you, I did not have a father figure so I really did not know how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

Long story short, the beginning of this year things were almost perfect. I mean I’ve never been happier with him. But all that changes when we have little normal disagreement. When I mess up like any human would and he verbally attacks me like he used to (not as bad though) I do not take low blows like I used to. I tell him how I feel in a mature way, but he uses that as ammo and keeps saying he’s tired of this -ish, he can’t do this -ish, and if I can’t deal with things, “just leave me dog,” (those are his exact words). It’s freaking hurtful to hear that after all I’ve put up with. And, it’s a lot – from spitting in my face (that was the very beginning of our relationship) to pouring water on my hair, to calling me all sort of names, and some pushing. I threw dishes at him when he did that and he called the cops on me, but he was the one who went to jail cause he was making a scene at our condo complex.

Anyways, I am just so confused and I finally got my dignity back to stand up to him and tell him as it is. But, all he keeps saying is just leave me, or if you can’t handle what I expect from you then you should have never been with me. I do everything from cooking, cleaning, getting him ready for work, looking cute for him, buying gifts, watch games with him. I mean I do everything from my heart… I am his homie and lover. And, I really don’t mind doing those things as long as I get the love and respect I give him). Then he goes on saying that he hates me. It’s so hard for him to apologize. I mean I don’t expect perfection but damn can I get respect?

OMG! He also complains about the littlest things. Like, if the house is a lil messy, not dirty (he’s a clean freak but I am not), he starts saying I need to clean the entire house from dusting to taking down spider webs that I can’t see but he can. He just wants the house spotless. I HATE it when he does that because I do me. And, when I do clean he pretty much goes over the whole house to make sure it’s clean. I just leave and have a cigarette.

I’ve matured over the years with him, but it’s like why do I keep hearing this -ish of just leave me dog or I hate you? I mean I hear that at least once a week. I never ever say -ish like that to him. I am at the point of really taking him serious and leaving. I have a hard time making that decision because when I went back home to see my family, I left him with no job (he was collecting unemployment) and he had to pay all the rent and utilities on that unemployment check. I mean it’s not like the check was little. He could survive, but ever since I left, he uses that against me so much that I can’t decide on leaving. But, I am at the point of  “F” it… whatever.” But, when he comes around to his senses he always finds a way to my heart again. I mean always.

I ask myself why do I let him do this. Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? I am not bragging about us but people envy us. We are both attractive. I’ve fought women over him and vice-versa. And, we do well for our age. So, it’s like should I walk away with my respect or should I stay. I love him so much though. I am so confused. I am independent. I pay my own bills. I have my own car, and pay for my school. So, it’s not like he really supports me. Please help!!! Confused Young Wife

Dear Ms. Confused Young Wife,

Chile! This letter right here is many, many things! Gurl!

You had me up until the end.  That’s when all the contradictions came pouring out.

I really wonder if you all read your letters before you send them…..wait, why am I asking that question. Of course you do. But, you’re so in denial about your situation that you can’t see and hear yourself. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. And, especially one that can’t comprehend, or rationalize.

You asked me, and yourself, why do you let him do this to you – Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? Uhm, boo boo, earlier in the letter you said he was collecting unemployment. So, what lifestyle are you accustomed to? You rent a damn apartment. You don’t own a home! And, what type of car is he balling in with bouts of unemployment? And, if you say he has swagger, and that’s what swagger is then uhm, I’ll pass. Swagger is overused and overrated.

Then you go on to say that you are independent. You pay your own bills. You have your own car and pay for school. Uhm, again sweetie, if you’re married, then how are you independent? Why are you paying your own bills? If you’re married shouldn’t the two of you be one unit? You’re no longer independent, but are one entity. Your bills are his bills and vice-versa. You share everything. But, this is what happens when hood ghetto ass people get together and marry. You’re still trying to hold on to your independence while you’re married to a man. Girl, stop it! Stop it right now and let go of that, “I’m independent. I got my own –ish. I don’t need a man. I can do bad all by myself,” ghetto ass talk!

Chile, I can’t do you people today. This is why you should wait until you’re old enough, mature enough, and have dealt with your psychology, emotional, and mental issues before involving someone else in your mess, and then marrying them.

This ghetto love is just that – GHETTO LOVE. All this talk of, “I love my man. I’m down for him. We fight like cats and dogs, but the make-up sex is the bomb. I’ll cut a bish for my man. I don’t play!! We call the cops on each other and, yeah, he hits me sometimes, spits in my face, pours water on my hair, and mushes me in the face, but I love him and he loves me.” SMDH! This is insanity. Pure insane and asinine bull-ish that you ghetto ass people go through on the daily to prove that you got a man, or woman, and that you love someone. THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS GHETTO HIGH SCHOOL IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AND IT’S A RESULT OF YOUR GHETTO ASS PARENTS.

You clearly have unresolved issues surrounding your mother, and absent father. You have emotional and mental issues that have not been addressed, and yet you found a man when you were 19 and he was 23. You found your “Daddy.” I call it the, “Looking For Daddy Syndrome.” And, you found a man to replace the missing dad in your life to take you away from the anguish, heartache, pain, agony, and unworthiness you felt. Your unresolved issues of feelings of no self-worth, low self-esteem, and not good enough were all replaced by a man who made you feel good, and gave you some good sex. You equated sex with love, and that misplaced and misunderstood emotional and physical pleasure made you think your mental problems were solved.

Girl, there is so many issues and challenges with you and your letter that I can’t today! I told you all that I’m not interested in your pity parties, sob stories of a life of unhappiness and a man who makes you feel like –ish. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get the hell out!! If you don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, then why the hell are you still in the relationship with them? Get the hell out!!! If they are not adding to you, building you, inspiring you, empowering you, encouraging you, or loving you without conditions or restrictions, then get the hell out!!!! It’s that damn simple people!!!

Hmmmm, just a quick question while I’m thinking of it – Isn’t ironic that the very things you were running from at 19 from your family, you found it in your husband? Yeah, all those mental and emotional issues are showing up in your marriage with your husband. You chose your past and made it your present and future. That’s what sex and d**k will do to you. Make you lose focus and forget what your problems are. D**k is a dangerous drug. I keep telling you folks that. You’re going to listen.

Then your husband tells you consistently to leave him, and that he hates you. You do realize that the word “hate” is a strong and powerful word. It’s pure displeasure, and a strong dislike. Now, you’re asking me what to do when he says this to you. Do me a favor and move those weaved blond highlights from your eyes and let me punch you in the face!!! If he tells you on a weekly basis to leave him and that he hates, then leave him because he hates you! HELLO!!!!

Why do you keep putting yourself through this agony? Why put up with this pain? Why put up with this man who hates himself, doesn’t care for you, and basically doesn’t care about your marriage? Answer those questions. And, be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free. But, I’ll tell you this if someone kept telling me to leave and how much they hated me, I’d leave their ass sitting in their own misery and I’d do it when they went to work. Pack all my –ish and bounce. Change my numbers. Change my emails. Hell, I’d go through an entire metamorphosis of change.

I strongly recommend marriage counseling, and some personal counseling for the both of you for emotional and mental health issues. You both are emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing one another. It’s time to stop the madness. Stop the turmoil. And, stop this GHETTO LOVE! It’s not cute. And, for the record, people are not envious of you and your relationship, they actually feel sorry for the both of you. How two people can tear each other down yet claim they love one another is pure comedy. But, misery loves company, and stupid is what stupid does. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

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I have been married to this guy for a little over 4 years. We have two kids- 5 & 3 years old. We own a home which I had to beg, curse and cry to get him to contribute 50% of the down payment. I figured that if he wanted to stay with me he would have to contribute to the house.  I knew he had the money, but for some reason he always cries broke except when it comes to his family. I mean on the outside looking in a lot of people make comments like “your family is so cute”… “You guys have it all together,” but I’m hating life! Yes, they see me driving a new Lexus. But the only reason is that I put him out after I found out he was cheating on me while I was 7 months pregnant! Whenever he gets mad, it becomes his car, not mine!

Yes, they see the kids always dressed nice and well-behaved but that’s all me. All my husband (I cringe when I have to refer him as such) manages to do is keep the couch warm and the electronics turned on. So, he tries to be affectionate and kiss or rub on me but I’m so turned off. As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex. The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.

He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings. Like one minute he’s singing, making obnoxious jokes, all in my personal space and the next he’s mean-faced glued to the TV. He also has a bad temper and has said some real foul stuff to me and calls me names. We went to counseling once (after he jumped on me with our newborn in my arms) and was diagnosed with depression. I had kicked him out the house and was loving life- with just the kids. He kept begging me to come back and I agreed on the condition he continued with counseling. That never happened. Recently when I brought it up his response was something like “You don’t know me or my heart. How dare you try to tell me what I need to do?” Great!

So here I am living in a home with this man I can’t stand, raising two kids as a pseudo- single mom, hating life. I should also mention that I can’t talk to him the way I used to when we were dating. He uses all the bits of info from my past to throw back in my face when convenient. Not that I have loads of skeletons in my closet, but does he really need to bring up that I used to date older men? Or that one of my exes used to abuse me so why would I make a big deal when he jumped on me? Is this dude serious? I’ve told him that I want a divorce (I ended up agreeing after he said he wanted one our entire 1st yr of marriage) but now he’s fighting it. I think it’s not that he loves me so much but because he’s comfortable. He has a great life which involves him not doing much. I think I know what I want to do. But just want to get your take on it. – Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out

“I’m Married, But Everytime I Go Pick Up My Daughter From My Ex She Answers The Door In Her Panties”

Dear Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out,

Welp! I hate to say it, but you got exactly what you wanted and then some. You were so blinded by your own desires that you ignored every sign, every heeded message, and the big blaring red signals going haywire over your head. You were so determined to be married, have this great family, and get what YOU wanted that you did it at the sake of your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. WOW! You are a nut case in the true sense that you are so driven by insanity that you will do whatever it takes to get what you want.

Now, here you are writing in seeking advice because your selfish desires got you into this hotmess.com and now you want a wayout.net. I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit your responsibility and immature tactics in this situation. You manipulated this man into marrying you, then you begged, cursed, cried and demanded he put down 50% on a house that he probably didn’t want, and because you wanted to have kids you laid down with him and as you said, “As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex.” Hmmmm, after revisiting all of that doesn’t that make you sound very childish and immature? Doesn’t that sound like someone who is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, and selfish? Let me pull up a chair and get comfortable because this is about to get really good.

Then you go on to say, “The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.” Honey, you’re absolutely correct. You didn’t think. Chile, you folks with your ulterior motives and sneaky ass ways manipulating folks and situations always want to cry wolf when the –ish hits the fan. Well, sorry, boo boo, but I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You created and designed this life of “fake wonderful trying to impress others by satisfying your own needs but now your ass is showing.” Get the “F” outta here.

But, I’m not done, Ms. Honey. It appears that you have a history of dating abusive men. You said your husband throws up in your face that you dated an abusive man before, and then when he was abusive to you after he jumped on you with your newborn in your arms, that you have no right or cause to complain. Okay, I agree with you, WTF is he talking about? He’s trying to justify himself with that bull –ish? You should have slapped the mess out him, packed his bags and put his ass out of the house. No man can justify beating or abusing a woman in any manner.

But, you need to do some introspection and get to the root cause of why you feel the need to choose abusive men, and where does this pattern stem from. Your husband may have only jumped on you once, but trust and believe he will do it again. Sit your miserable ass over there complaining if you want to. His mentally unstable ass will go upside your head again and then what are you going to do? You’re just simple.

And, for the record, he is not only physically abusive, but he is also emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s been diagnosed as depressed. Uhm, sweetie, that is a mental disorder. And, he takes his anger and illness out on you, and I’m certain the kids feel the wrath of his mental illness as well. He is an abuser mentally, emotionally, and physically. Plain and simple – He needs to remain in therapy, and he needs to take his medication. What’s really sad about you is that you are in denial about his mental illness just as he is in denial. You wrote, “He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings.” So, when you went to counseling and he was diagnosed with depression, what part of that did you not understand? Chile, depression is a mental illness. It’s a disorder. But, you are so “F’ing” clueless living in this fantasy world you’ve created that you’ve allowed your disillusion to cloud your judgment.

And, I don’t understand why you are still in the marriage if it’s not what you want, or what he wants. What the hell am I thinking! Misery loves company. You’re two miserable people and would rather be miserable and unhappy together than happy and sane alone. SMDH! Girl, your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The sad part is that you’re both in it for the wrong reasons and instead of being honest with one another, you’re both deceiving and manipulating one another, and lying to yourselves.

I’m curious as to what made you stay after you learned he cheated on you when you were 7 months pregnant? Oh, my bad, why am I asking that silly ass question. He bought you a Lexus. So, you got something out of the deal. I’m sure you manipulated that out of him. Do you realize that you not only justified his behavior, but you asked him to reward you with something material for something he did emotional and physical, and will leave a long lasting effect on you and the marriage. Now, does that make any sense to you?

Why am I talking with you? You clearly don’t see how you are a big contributing factor to all of this mess that YOU created. YOU had this fixation on this life of being married and having kids. YOU chose this man. Now, here you are miserable and unhappy and asking for an easy way out.  Girl, get the freaking divorce. Stop stalling. You never really wanted to be with him in the first place. Hell, it could have been any man to give you what YOU wanted, and it just so happens that it was him. Girl, miss me and yourself. And, you need to get into some counseling yourself. You need to stop lying to yourself, manipulating others, and instead of making everyone else’s life miserable do them all a favor and just leave! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

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1. Divorce Cannot Be An Option – Once a spouse begins to think about divorce the chance of the marriage surviving is slim to none. The human mind cannot contemplate divorce and create resolutions for problems within the marriage at the same time. Divorce will win out. Steven says, “When I am counseling a couple I inform them during the first session that they will not be getting a divorce.”

2. Spousal Priority – There are too many spouses that are in a competition for the love and affection of their better half. Marriage is the most important company, corporation, institution, organization, union or unit there is. Bar none. Nothing else is even close. Steven teaches couples the following relationship hierarchical structure: 1.) God 2.) Spouse 3.) Spouse 4.) Vacant 5.) The rest of the world. Even if you are not a Christian, you get the point. Steven says, “In terms of the importance in my life, nothing comes close to my wife. Her importance in my life is not based on her person. Her importance is based on her title and my vows. I think that I am the only person in the world that feels like this.”

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