In spite of the gossip and rumors of separation, Oprah and Stedman have continued to blossom in their love and support of one another. In 2010 during an interview with Jenny McCarthy, Oprah rebuffed these claims stating, “We’ve never broken up once. They’re always lies,” said Oprah, adding, “I do regret ever mentioning him” in the press.

READ MORE ‘Black History In Love’: Make It Last Forever: Jay-Z And Beyonce

In the past few years, Oprah has opened up about her personal life, demonstrating that long-term couples can find happiness living non-traditional lives, without marriage and children.

Why She Loves Him: In her 2010 interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah stated of Stedman, “I don’t know of another man on this planet who could have lived this life with such dignity, such grace and such respect and humility in it and still hold his own and be his own.”  Despite Oprah’s significant fame, Stedman has maintained his own identity and remained by her side through it all.

During her appearance on the Piers Morgan Show, Oprah candidly discussed a family member selling her out to the tabloids for $20,000. In response to Stedman’s support at that traumatic time in her life, she said, “here is someone who is willing to stand in and stand up for you. And that is love.”

Why He Loves Her: Though the two rarely make public appearances together, Stedman surprised the audience by walking out on stage and paying tribute to Oprah during Part 2 of the ‘Surprise Oprah! A Farewell Spectacular.’ “It really does amaze me that I get to be around a woman who changes peoples’ lives every day and who also takes her own lunch to work,” Stedman said. “I cannot, honey, believe that a colored girl from the backwoods of Mississippi has done all that you have done … But you know what really is amazing? You have done this, sweetheart, through all of the sacrifices you have made and the humility that you have and through God’s amazing grace. I love you for making a difference in my life.”

READ: 5 Embarrassing Black Moments We Wished Never Happened

Why They Work: Again during her Piers Morgan appearance, Oprah said it best “the reason why this relationship has worked as well as it has is that we each got to define ourselves in it and not in a traditional form.”  In the early 2000s, Oprah and Stedman made a conscious effort to pull back on their public appearances together, stating that “every time we showed up in public… there’d be another exploitative story.” Maintaining their privacy and the integrity of their relationship has definitely been the keystone to their success as a couple.

Why We Love Them: Oprah and Stedman have battled it out with the media for the past 26 years, choosing to live outside of society’s norms and embracing their own definition of happiness.  Oprah once said about her relationship, “the truth of the matter is, had we gotten married we wouldn’t be together now, because in no way is this a traditional relationship.” Thus proving that happiness doesn’t have to be defined by a ring or a label.

Why Do Black Women Have a Better Body Image?

Before I go off on a “this should be in my future best-seller” tangent, I’ll stop.

HelloBeautiful Gets Candid About Love, Life, Sex & Relationships With “SHANDA SAYS!”

The other day I went searching the internet for exciting info to share with the family and I came across a theory by psychologist John Lee called “Love Styles” or “The Colors of Love”. The theory identifies 6 distinct love styles that individuals practice in their romantic relationships.

• Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
• Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
• Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
• Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
• Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
• Agape – selfless altruistic love; spiritual

Source: Wikipedia.org

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Drake “Really Really Loves” Serena Williams

I’m sure by just scanning the list we all know couples and individuals who fit in each category. How does knowing about this theory help one improve on what they already have or what they want? Well the idea behind the theory is to form a union with someone who has the same love style as yourself so that you have someone who understands why for example, devotion to the church is important or why you enjoy flirting in front of your partner. I personally think that the 6 six love types are a bit extreme based on the short descriptions given above however I wouldn’t discredit this theory.

I took the quiz and found out my love style is “Eros” which is too true. My head stays in the clouds I love all things beautiful and I am extremely passionate about every aspect of a relationship. A Ludus would walk all over me then get cut, a pragma would bore me and a mania would get on my damn nerves.

The downside to being an Eros, well we want everyone to be an Eros and often get hurt. *sigh* Tis the story of my life! I can say with confidence that a fellow Eros is hanging around and I’ve never had to do as little explaining about why I’m so loca, to anyone in my entire life and vice versa. It’s refreshing, but still keeping my eyes and options open in the interim.

Take the Love style quiz here.

Which love style are you?

Is this theory a bunch of BS or is there any truth to it?

Do you prefer one love style over the other?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

I need help with one of my best friends who introduced me to your site.

He is a good friend and my daughter’s godfather. He just doesn’t make the best decisions, especially when it comes to women. We attended college together and worked together for three years, and about six months ago he told me he was leaving and moving to Atlanta with a female friend.

I was happy for him, but at the same time a little concern. See, he is the type of guy that is woman crazy. He falls head over heels for women even if they show no interest in wanting him. The first of the year I get a call from one of our other friends and he began telling me about our mutual friend. Since he has been in Atlanta we talk about every month and he makes it seems that everything is all good and he loves it. He called our friend, however, to borrow money and he told him what was going on and told him the truth about his living conditions.

He takes care of her three kids, his godchildren, baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning, and giving her something on rent every month. But, come to find out he is sleeping on the floor of her three-bedroom apartment. She has an empty room for her two-year old, but since the child sleeps with her, she won’t let my friend have it. Then, she has a young twenty-two year old boyfriend, who is close to moving in also. While my friend is handling chores like a stay-at-home husband, she’s in her room getting the ‘D’ from a younger guy.

I talked to him last week, and he didn’t sound like himself. His tune was of someone defeated and unhappy, not his usual happy joking personality. I tried talking to him, but I think everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He is continuing putting up that front like everything is all right. His voice tells of something different. I know he continues reading your site and I feel hearing advice from you might make him snap into his right mind and get out of that situation before it turns on him. I also have to mention that the job he had covered his medical insurance, and now he has no insurance and has health problems.

His female friend keeps nagging him about getting a better job and giving her more money, while she is living above her means. I feel her new guy will soon want him out of the picture and he’s going to be stuck homeless trying to move back home. I think it is hurting his pride that he doesn’t have a job, and moving back will make him look like a failure. I am close to giving up on him because honestly he is too old to be living like this. We are both in our thirties, I am 31 years old, and married with kids and he is close to 36 years old with no kid. What should I do, let him keep on this path until he hits a brick wall, or help him save himself the pain and misery and admit defeat. – Help my friend out before he is homeless and naked on a corner!

Dear Ms. Help My Friend,

Chile, I say let his dumb ass find out the hard way. I’m all for helping folks, and helping friends, and extending a hand to them, but if they don’t want to listen and they are stubborn or have too much damn pride to admit when –ish ain’t working out, then, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit the brick wall and hit rock bottom so they can see the situation for themselves.

It’s truly sad when a grown ass man who appears to have it all together, smart, educated, and a good head on his shoulders, but is too p****y hungry to know the difference between being used and being taken advantage of. He’s a clown and needs to have his ass clowned!

And, for the record, who the hell moves to another state with someone they barely know, sleeps on the floor, does the household chores like a live-in nanny and maid, and watches as some young tender bangs his girl? Oh, my bad, your friend!

Chile, I am truly thankful for my friends! Thank the Lord! We have a policy with each other that no matter what we will always be brutally honest with each other. We tell each other when we are doing asinine stupid ass –ish. We tell each other the TRUTH, regardless if we want to hear it or not, we don’t bite our tongues, and we don’t hold back. What good is it to have friends who co-sign your bull-ish and watch you go through something and then talk about you behind your back? No ma’am! Not me!

Honey, you’ve done all you can do. You’ve spoken with him, gave him a listening ear, and reached out and have been a friend to him. He is the one that is not opening up and being honest with you about his situation. You are getting the information secondhand. Unfortunately, and until he is ready, he is going to have to wake up and see what’s really real and say to himself, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I, a 36 year old grown ass man sitting up in this woman’s APARTMENT, not house, and sleeping on the floor, giving her money for rent, doing all the chores, baby-sitting, and some other dude is banging her back out? What am I trying to prove? Why is my ego so damn big and I’m too proud to admit that this –ish isn’t working, and I need help?” But, your friend won’t and can’t do that. And, it’s because of his ego and pride.

So, let his ego and pride put him out on the streets. Let his ego and pride ignore his health and realize he has no medical insurance. As a matter of fact, ask him if he can have sex with his ego and pride and if they can fulfill his longing desire to be with someone, feel love, and be wanted?

Your friend is searching for something that you cannot provide him with. He is looking for love. He is looking for someone to want him, desire him, and need him. And, he will put himself in this precarious and F’d up situations because he is driven by his emotions which are clouding his mental capabilities. So, let him learn his lesson, and hopefully he will stop being so damn egotistical, and hard-headed and count his losses. And, let him know you’re still there for him, and will have his back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Know My Man Loves Me, But His Ex Refuses To Get Out Of The Picture”

“I Gave Him The Ultimatum Of “Now or Never” For Marriage & He Said “Never”

Your articles have me in tear laughing. I’m a fan! LOL

Anywho, I have been dating my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and we recently told each other that we’re in love. He is so sweet to me, has bomb ass sex, and treats me like a queen. My birthday was recently and he gave me so many gifts and surprised me with a dinner and all our friends were there. I cried because nobody has ever treated me like him.

So, he is really not my issue. My issue is with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for 3 years. They had an on and off relationship and she cheated on him when he was away so he broke it off. I know he really loved and cared about her a lot because he kept giving her chances after she did him wrong. He says that he no longer loves her and wants nothing to do with her, but on his birthday she hit him up with this looong email saying how everyone in her family says happy birthday and that they love him (she also went on to make a few old jokes that they shared in common) and then to top it off she ended it with an, “I will always love you.”

He told me about this message, but it was only after I suspected she had contacted him because he made an indirect tweet about it and I figured it out. So, when he told me about the message I was a bit upset and asked him why he didn’t tell me. We finally came to an agreement that we would tell each other when an ex hits us up.

Now, my other issue is that she still contacts his mother and calls her “momma” and tells her she loves her. I can’t seem to get over this in my heart. I also found an old video of them together which also made me feel some kind of way. (I know I sound jealous) I love my man and want to stay with him, but I have a great feeling that his ex is not over him and will soon want him back if she already doesn’t. I don’t want his ex to become a problem, I want her to be a NON-FACTOR from here on out. Please give me your advice. -The New Girlfriend

Dear Ms. New Girlfriend,

Uhm, sweetie, she is a NON-MOFO’ing FACTOR! Why are you stressing over her? If he is not engaging her, leading her on, and reaching out and contacting her, then you don’t have anything to worry about. Let that bum ass wretched rat continue to scurry around sniffing for crumbs.

The man loves you! Don’t you get that! He went all out on your birthday. He gave you lots of gifts and surprised you with a dinner with all of your friends present. He demonstrated his love and emotions for you in front of everyone. The man loves YOU!

So what if his ex-girlfriend is sending loooong ass emails and trying to reconnect with him. That’s what a jilted and hurt ex will do when they know they’ve lost something really good. She wants him back because she realizes that she F’d up! She is the jackass that stepped out on him and treated him badly. She is the donkey that let a good man go, and in the words of Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”  And, now she’s reflecting over what she’s lost.

This is what I don’t understand. You have a good man. He loves you. Treats you like a queen. Does everything under the sun for you, and tells you he loves you, then why are you focusing on what his ex-girlfriend is doing? Why are you worried about her? If he is loving you, spending time with you, and giving you all his time and energy, then she shouldn’t even be a matter of consideration or thought. She is

If I were you I wouldn’t give her any energy, time, or space to rent in your head. You keep focusing on her then you will lose your man. You will begin to start making up things, and situations, and occurrences that don’t even exist. You’ll be imagining circumstances because your head will be playing games with you. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! Focus your energy and love on your man. Let him love you, treat you like the queen you are, and adorn you with lots of joy, happiness, and joy.

And, if Ms. Thing gets out of pocket and wants to show up and start requesting time with him, or calling your phone harassing you, then it’ll be time to get Jilly from Philly on her ass and let her know, “You’re getting in the way of what I’m feeling!” Let her know that she is old news, the old witch that had her chance and F’d it up. And, you’re being a woman and letting her know to watch herself and the boundaries of your relationship. If she continues to ignore you and your relationship, and doesn’t show you any respect, then you’re going to have to snatch Ms. Thang by her weave and whoop that ass. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

People deal with breakups differently: you can hold tears back all day and splurge on a carton of ice cream at night or use that energy to go out and find another.  Does it make you a bad person if you skip the sadness stage and go right onto taking on rebounds?

I have heard both sides of this situation, and both sound pretty compelling.  On the one hand, it’s important to take some alone time and let yourself cry it out before letting your emotions go wild again.  On the other hand, you shouldn’t turn down possibly good opportunities because of something in the past.  It really comes down to whether or not breaking up is a drawn out process or if it’s just something that happens and should be dealt with quickly.

Family Dinner Night – Peruvian-Style – at Pio Pio

I’ve asked for opinions from both types of people, and these were their responses:

From the musical chairs lover- finding a new love as soon as the song stops:

“I don’t like being single.  Even if I’m not actively dating someone or seeing them everyday I need someone to say good morning or goodnight to or else I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong: I get really sad after break ups.  In fact, I put my all into relationships because I appreciate the connection so much.  But rather than force myself to go through complete misery after, I keep the sadness to a minimum and keep myself busy.  Interestingly, keeping myself busy generally means meeting lots of new people.  I by no means rebound crazy hard after break ups, but I find that meeting new people is what keeps me from feeling the most depressed.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get out there again: life’s about living.”

From the memory keeper- find life after love in yourself:

“After a break up I prepare myself to go into hibernation. Everything makes me sad and I’m not afraid to hide it.  I would rather get completely over one relationship than risk ruining another because of carried over feelings.  I always try to get myself to hang with my girls more but I find that I’m the most comfortable when I’m on my own just dealing with the problem rather than hiding from it.  I’ve heard that it usually takes about half of the time you were together to get over the person.  I’ve had it take less or more time depending on the relationship. I really think it’s all relative to the person but whoever says they are ready to start dating other people immediately is definitely lying and ruining future relationships.”

What do you think? Is there a middle ground? How do you get over break ups?

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Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

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Six Signs You May Be Forcing a Relationship

I met this guy “Robert” at a bar on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and planned to hang out the next day because I was headed off to another place to meet up with friends. However (and probably unfortunately) I ended up seeing him after the bars closed as I was walking my friend home. His friend and him ended up walking us to her place and both of them caught a cab home to my place. We ended up drinking some more and just talking and eventually his friend left. The next morning after a night of cuddling and making out we had sex. We woke up, talked for awhile, and then eventually I drove him home. When he got out of the car he said he would call me later and kissed me goodbye (on the lips mind you). Yet all day he never called.

I know the three day rule but honestly think it is ridiculous so I text him on Sunday. We kept the conversation light and he replied to my texts (which he could have blown me off). But now it is been a couple of days and nothing. I kind of like him and would really like to see him again to get to know him better. Hopefully hang out with out having sex. Do you think it is a loss cause or should I just be more patient? I know it was probably a mistake sleeping with him so fast but do you think I can get things back on track? Should I make the second move and invite him to hang out? – Impulsively Searching For Love

“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby’s Momma”

Dear Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love,

Sigh! When will you ladies learn: Sex for a man does not equate love or instant feelings of like. It’s just sex. It’s a physical act of lust and desire, and on many occasions a need to release.

You said you kind of like him. Well, could you please tell me what do you like about him, ma’am? Yeah, just as I figured. You don’t know him. You had sex with him after a night of drinking. You both were mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired. How can you make a sound judgment under the influence of alcohol? Please explain that to me.

Girl, you had drunk sex and now you think you’ve met the one. SMDH! Silly ass rabbit, tricks are for kids. Ole trick ass.

Your signature is befitting of you: Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love. Stop searching for love by opening your legs to random dudes you meet at a bar. How about you start opening your mind and feeding and nurturing your spirit.

Girl, I’m still LMBAO because you truly believe and feel that just because he kissed you on the lips after you drove him home the next morning that it was a sign that he really liked you and wanted to get to know you better. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop baby Jesus. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

What do I do when I like someone but they are in the middle of a divorce? – Liking A Married Man

Dear Ms. Liking A Married Man,

Uhm, how about you leave them alone and wait until the divorce is over.

He is still married. I don’t care if he’s separated, and they are going through a divorce. What part of they are still married do you not understand?  Ole thirsty ass chick.

Please, slowly remove your rouge painted lips from under his nut sac and stop sipping his juices.

Let him go through his divorce before you start any type of relationship with this man. And, please note: Although he may be divorcing his wife, he is not ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So, any hopes of you being the next Mrs., please get that out of your head. You will be the jump-off, and bed buddy. You know, the in-between time chick until he finds another woman he wants to settle down with and make his wife.

So, pump your brakes. Get you some business, and preferably a man that is not tied to some other woman. Yeah, that’s a thought. How about you find a man who is single, eligible, and available. Why do you want to be with someone who already has somebody? Because as the saying goes, “How you find him, is how you will lose him.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“My Boyfriend Infected Me With HIV & He Stole My Money For My Meds”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met a guy on face book and I cuddled a little with him at the first date. He didn’t even ask me to become his girlfriend or anything. We met again two days later. We cuddled a lot again. After that, I called him a couple of times. He answered me, but he won’t call me himself. He pretends that he’s busy so he doesn’t have time to see me. But, I really like this guy and I don’t wanna let go of him. I wanna know if there is something I could do about it to make it work? – Liking My Facebook Friend

Dear Ms. Liking My Facebook Friend,

Girl, are you serious right now? SMDH! Chile, here we go with these Facebook romances.

Uhm, sweetie if you cuddled with him on the first date after meeting him over the computer, he’s not going to take you serious or even consider dating you. There’s a word for women like you, and I’m trying to refrain from calling you a hoe, so let’s just say that you’re easy. How about that? LOL!

If you can hop your fast ass in the bed with a man you don’t know, and from off the computer, then why are you expecting him to return your calls after you’ve shown him the goodies and you let him get a sample of your treats?

The doors of the, All Women’s Academy For Simplemindedness And Dumb Women Who Do Dumb –Ish, are open. And, darling, I’m going to need you to step to the front of the line.

You women are going to learn about meeting random men on the computer and taking your hot between the legs asses over to their houses. Your ass is going to come up missing. Ole Jeffrey Dahmer cannibal eating your brains for dinner.

Look, girl, he’s not interested in you. He’s not thinking about you. He only has sex on the brain. He just wanted to smash and use you like he’s done other random women he’s met off Facebook. It’s a game for him, and like most men. It’s called, “How many chicks can I slay on the first night and add to my little black book of easy lays so the next time I’m horny I can hit them up and smash again.” And, you my dear, have become a statistic to the game. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I’m kind of hoping you can and will help me out. I’m a 23 year- old virgin and have been single for 8 years. I consider myself to be attractive and I have my life together while always trying to improve myself. Everyone always assumes I have boyfriend but alas, I don’t. I’ve gone on a few dates in those 8 years but nothing has ever come from them. One date consisted of me and the guy going to a Chinese restaurant ending in him trying to guess my breast size and challenging me to an arm wrestling competition. Then he acted like he didn’t know why he was still single…yeah, I stopped seeing him post haste.

Then there’s a guy who’s a musician that comes around every blue moon who’s spontaneous and exciting but I can’t take him seriously. He says he’s attracted to me and wants to pursue things but he’s never in the same city because he’s constantly on tour. Also, if he does text me I’ll respond and he won’t say anything else. He’ll say something like, “Good morning beautiful,” and I’ll say, “Hey ________,” and I won’t hear anything else which frustrates the hell out of me. These instances are sporadic and months or even years apart. He’s a little odd.

Recently, I met a guy at work and we went out a couple of times but the last time we were on a date there weren’t any sparks at all and he never clearly defined his intentions. He wasn’t the least bit direct like I’m used to and left me completely confused. Also, I’m not sure if he remembers my name cause I’ve never heard him say it or seen him text it. I expect a guy to take the initiative and I think it just boiled down to there not being enough chemistry so I haven’t seen or communicated with him since that date. It’s disappointing because I don’t meet a lot of guys who I’m attracted to and who are single and interested in me at the same time.

I guess my question is, what am I doing wrong here, or is there something I need to do differently? I’m not the most social person, but I do go to different places just to keep from going to work then back home. I’m active in my church and even though I’m not much of a club person I’ll go once in a while just to have a change of scenery or just to have fun. The usual demographic for guys that hit on me are men who are 20+ years older than me, or guys my age who ain’t about -ish. I’d rather have someone no more than 3-4 years older than me. Maybe I’m not direct enough because I’m a little shy, but I feel like a man should pursue a woman. Besides, the last time I pursued a man it ended up in the Chinese restaurant incident. I’m not in any rush to lose my virginity by the way. I just want to meet someone that challenges me and who I can really vibe with. Where is he?? (Age old question) Any suggestion would be helpful. – Over Being Single

Dear Ms. Over Being Single,

Girl, I feel you. The pickings are slim, and the men who do approach you make you shake your head. It’s almost like, “Where do these men come from and who trained them to be men in the first place?” Honey, I tell you, these men today are a piece of work. They want women to be their mother’s, girlfriend’s, wives, sex partners, mistresses, maids, cooks, bankers, and teachers all rolled up in one. Yet, they are not brining anything to the table but a lot of empty promises, broken dreams, and a penis that half of them don’t know how to work or use!

If you’re going to talk a good game at least back it up and lay some good pipe. Make me feign for it, yearn for it, and desire it. Don’t think you’re laying it down after a few humps and grunts, and then you roll over and want some food or some money. Get the freak out of here!!!

But, I digress. I did find humor in your letter and I’ve come up with some great adjectives for the men you’ve been out with, as well as most women who are looking for Mr. Right. These are the types of guys I’ve surmised you’ve encountered: The guy from the Chinese restaurant wanted “instant” p***y.  Chile, these men think that by taking you to a restaurant (Not even a 5-star restaurant at that), or a movie, or, hell, even to Starbuck’s for coffee, and they’ve shelled out a little over fifty bucks and they deserve something in return. Uhm, no, boo boo! In the words of Lil Kim, “You want a cheap trick, you better go down to Freak-Nic.” There will be no freaking, cuddling, coddling, touching, caressing, or sniffing of anything. We need to have several dates. I need to know where you work, where you live, your momma’s name, your daddy’s name, your sexual history, ex-girlfriend’s lurking in the background, any baby momma’s, and other pertinent information that may warrant a background check before we jump in the bed.

Then, there is the musician you went out with. Uhm, sweetie, he is not odd. He wants “reserved” p***y. He’s the type of man that probably has several different women he’s communicating with, and he’ll tell you anything you want to hear. He has a stable of women on reserve just in case one of his women gets out of pocket, or ends their torrid love affair. When one leaves, he’ll call you up saying, “I’m so sorry about my behavior. I’ve been working really hard and focusing on my career. And, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. You’re the type of woman that I feel I can settle down and be with. You’re smart, intelligent, and I want to know more about you. I want to make it up to you. I hope you can forgive me, and how I’ve been treating you. Perhaps we can get together for dinner tonight, and see where this takes us.” Yeah, men, do this type of stuff all the time. He’s only communicating with you to make sure that you’re still there, and when –ish hits the fan, trust and believe he’ll be calling you more frequently.

Awww, and then there’s the guy from work who wasn’t aggressive. He’s the, “I’m not interested, but if offered” p***y type of guy. These men won’t tell you that they’re not interested and will just stop communicating, however, if you keep pursuing them, or if you keep the lines of communication open they won’t turn down getting in your pants if you offer it to them. They often times figure that their lack of communication or pursuit of you makes you more intrigued with them, or perhaps as a sign of disinterest. However, because most women won’t leave it alone, or walk away from a man who disses them or fails to communicate, they figure he may be shy, or something is off and they pursue him trying to find closure, and instead of closing their legs they open them to see if, perhaps, he may be a better lover than boyfriend. LMBAO!!! Stop it, ladies. Just walk away and leave him alone.

Here’s what I suggest, you’re young, and you have your life ahead of you. And, I’m certain your hormones are raging and you want to be in the presence of some male testosterone that stirs up your loins and makes you at least get a little wet. If you have a church home, see if your church has a singles ministry, or a men’s ministry. I’m certain there are plenty of young men who are desiring the same things as you, but you’re just overlooking them and not seeing what may be directly in front of you. Check out the scene and do a few meetings with the Single’s Ministry and see what potential lies there. Hell, I’ll even say join the choir or usher board. These positions will place you directly in front of the church congregation. It gives you a stage to see all the possible single and available men who come to your church, as well as for them to see you. You better use those eyes as binoculars and scope out these men! Don’t be shy. Become a “man watcher.”

And, do you live in a college town like Charlotte, Atlanta, Durham, and other places where there are a plethora of college bound men who may have recently graduated from college, or are pursuing a master’s or doctorate degree? Honey, there are some smart and intelligent brothers right in your backyard. Get out there and see who’s in the yard. What about visiting sports bars, museums, and perhaps taking up a dance class. There’s also travel clubs where members travel out of the country and visit various new cultures and lifestyles. Many single people are members of these travel clubs.

You’ve got to put yourself out there. Be interactive, social, and engaging. Men love meeting women who are friendly and have a smile on their face. Don’t be out in the club, or some event with a scowl on your face. If you’re angry, and your disposition is unapproachable then perhaps you should keep your ass at home watching The Bachelor or Love And Hip Hop and updating your Facebook status with commentary on their miserable love lives. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

This was me two years ago. I was infuriated and on the cusp of popping back with something unbelievably disrespectful, but thankfully I kept my thoughts to myself.  For one, I knew she might have a point. And two, even though I could probably argue she too had gained a pound or ten, I had been raised with all kinds of home training, and saying anything about her weight would have been out of the question.

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The truth is—I was hurt. Hurt because like so many of us, I still want to impress my family. After all these years, they’re approval still matters most.

Why is that? Why is it so important that we still have their approval?

I’ve concocted two theories, neither of which are grounded in empirical studies, though I’m sure I could uncover some supporting data. Nonetheless – here they are. For one, I think we want to affirm our parents parental efforts. They worked hard as parents and sacrificed on countless occasions. The least we can do is to come home as shinning examples of their (literal) blood, sweat, and tears. We want our parents to know that they didn’t fail. The numerous weekends they spent at our soccer games, dance recitals, or the carpools to after-school programs paid off.  “Look Mama —I made it, and so did you!”

Secondly, in some weird way, perhaps we will always want their affirmation. We were raised wanting to please them, so why should that suddenly change with age? With the same enthusiasm we had running into the kitchen to announce we had made the honor roll, we’ll want to return home for Thanksgiving with an attractive mate, flat stomach and impressive job. Their continued affirmation lets us know we’re on the right path. And after all, couldn’t we all still use some guidance? When it comes down to it, some of us are still the fifth graders who want to hear our family say, “We’re so proud of you!”

We will always need our family’s support. We need them to encourage our healthy eating habits, or to question the latest guy we’re dating.  As many of us begin to start our own families, let’s hope we too can set examples that are worth our children’s life long admiration.

Jovian Zayne is a writer, photographer and occasional radio co-host in New York City.  Read more from Jovian on her personal blog Word Up Haay! Join her on twitter via @jovizi for laughs, encouragement and your daily dose of quick wit.
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I have a pastor question, too. I liked your answers. So, I thought, ok, I will try.

I dated a Pastor, Bishop, Doctor, hell, he is all. I met him online, and fell hard for him. He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Boston. We met after one year of talking on the phones, internet, etc.

Well, come to find out, it was all a big joke and trick. He was either married or engaged. And after I did some research, I learned this is what he does. He gets nasty with woman online, and then goes home and be kind and sweet to his wife. They have children. He has a church, doctor’s office, etc. And, he calls himself the man that walks with God. But, he is not godly

Do I let him go on and get caught? Or, do I warn people? He calls himself a Bishop, a Doctor, Businessman. But I know better. Do I let him ruin others? Or try and stop him. – Almost The Pastor’s Mistress

“I’ve Learned He’s Been Seeing Another Woman For 3 Years & Has A Child With Her”

Dear Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Mistress,

Put his ass on blast. What are you waiting for? I would head over to Kinkos and get a blown up foam poster board with all the text and explicit email conversations printed on it. I would then head to his church and place it in the lobby of the sanctuary. I’d then sit perched in the front row. I’d wait for him to do the altar call and march right up to him, and tell him to lay his hands on me like he said he wanted to do over the phone and in the text messages.

I would also gather the other women he’s been communicating with, and all of you should march defiantly in a single file line inside the church. You all should be dressed in all black – black dresses, big black hats, long black gloves, and the big Jackie O sunglasses. Sit right next to the first lady and introduce yourselves. Say, “Hey girl! Good to see you this Sunday morning. I’m surprised that Mister was able to make it out of bed and get here on time. He was a bad boy last night.” Then slowly trace your lips with your finger.

Then, I would print all of the sexually explicit emails and texts and pictures he sent you and put them in a handout. I’d give them to each of his church members as they receive their weekly Sunday programs.

Trust me, if you don’t put him on blast he will continue to do what he’s been doing and getting away with it because no one will speak up. No one will go toe to toe with him because too many times folks put their pastors and bishops on a pedestal, i.e., Bishop Eddie Long, and when something goes down, they make the victims out to be the criminals and evil conspirators trying to harm and damage their poor pastor’s reputation. SMDH!

It’s sad because ministers, pastors, and bishops have been doing this for so long that it has become the churches inside dirty secret. And, it damages and destroys lives. The longer we keep silent and don’t say anything, the longer this will go on.  At some point someone has to make a stand and be courageous. And, it begins with women like you.

So, let his wife know what’s going, and I’m certain she already knows. Give her all the details, emails, text messages, and phone records. She may be in denial, but let her know that God doesn’t like ugly, and that she should remove the veil from her eyes. I would also call up the local media news outlets. They love stories like these, especially when it’s a man of the cloth, and he claims to be an upstanding citizen in the community. Honey, they will find out all types of dirt about him, including his dirty shenanigans in business. If he’s cheating on his wife, trust and believe, he’s cheating in his professional life as well. Now, get the hymnal book and start singing the old negro spiritual “God is trying to tell you something.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I have to admit, the idea of a “couple comeback” sounds incredibly romantic. The first time around you might have noticed the few parts about your guy that don’t fit as perfectly as your fingers do when you’re holding hands. That doesn’t always mean that you need to write him off forever. You’ve kept his letters scattered across your room for a reason. Take a few years apart and do your own thing. Dating other guys might just show you how compatible you and Guy #1 were. If you come back in two years and he is no longer careless and you are no longer anxious, you just might be able to get through the problems that were holding you back in the first place.

Sometimes, however, take-two at a relationship is not even worth it. Based on my own and my friends’ experiences, there are definitely a few “relationship no-no’s” that are not even worth sticking your feet in again. For example, if he was abusive or too aggressive toward you, it’s probably not worth the effort to try again. While people can definitely get through their aggressive behavior, it’s not a good idea to go back to a relationship that scarred you.

You generally know when a relationship is actually said and done. Your intense chemistry with your ex might not fade as quickly as you’d like it to. You still might want to share your details with him rather than the new guy that you’ve been going on some dates with. Use your breakup as time to explore, learn, and grow. If you see a future for some re-romance, go for it- you’ve already experienced a painful breakup and have grown from it. You might just find a great relationship hidden in the break-up and make-up.

What are your thoughts on re-romancing? Is it best to just cut people out and never look back? Or do you think that you should be open to people changing and relationships working out the second time around?

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Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

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My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I am going to start out saying that I really don’t know what to do.

I am a single mother of two kids. My son will be 18 next month, and my daughter will be 14 on May the 1st. I have been with the same man for six years, and when we got together I was 28 and he was 43. The man came in treating my kids and I like royalty. He gave us whatever we wanted when we wanted it. Not only that, he helps me provide for my mother and my brother, who is now 39 years old, and living with my mom.

Prevent Health Hazards

Now, this man is a very good mechanic. He works on his own, and makes his own money. And, still right now he does everything that he needs to do as a man, and to keep our house afloat. I guess you are asking if I got it like this with this man, what is my complaint. Well, my complaint is that he uses drugs. Not the green stuff, but the white stuff. That’s our biggest problem. He does good sometimes, and others I just don’t know. I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.

So, I sat and prayed, and prayed and asked God to show me the way. Believe me when I say, I know God have my back. Because out of all that the man is really a good man. Sometimes I try not to judge him, because I have the habit of smoking me a joint every now and then. But, that is way different. He doesn’t judge me, so I feel sometimes why am I judging him. It’s very confusing because my friends say as long as he is taking care of home, and his business then why do I stress so much. Because I guess I stress because it’s the drug of his choice. No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug. I just need some closure, maybe a piece of mine.

My son is going to be graduating in June and off to college he goes, and we have a very open and close relationship, because before I got with this man, it was only my kids and I. He just kind of snuck up on us. But, I have to give much respect to my son because with him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything. As a matter of a fact he and my daughter love the ground he walks on. My daughter is the reason we are still here. She is a very hopeful young lady. She always say, “Momma maybe we can help daddy,” or, “If we leave him, he won’t have no body.”

I really don’t want that to be the reason I stay, and I won’t lie, I love him, I just want him to be and do better. Can you give me a little insight on what I can do to help the situation. There is one thing I do know, if God don’t change the situation, he will give you the strength to handle the situation.  – Loving A Drug Addict

“Should I Ignore The 3 Day Rule & Invite Him To Hang Out?”

Dear Ms. Loving A Drug Addict,

Well, I hate to sound morbid, but I think you should get your affairs in order, and by that I am referring to purchasing a cemetery plot, and making preparations for his passing. To knowingly remain in a relationship with a drug addict then you know what the outcome will be: Death!

And, I don’t want you falling out, wailing and throwing yourself over his casket and causing a ruckus when he does leave this earth. Folks act up and have fits when they know the person was on drugs and acting reckless with their life, but are shocked when they die. Really? Really!

It’s just like the celebrities who do drugs and we watch from the sideline. We see what it does to their life, and to those who love them. It’s unfortunate that we watch celebrities come to their own demise and watch aimlessly as they use drugs recklessly, and then when they pass everyone says, “Well, we could have done more.” Or, “I hope everyone learns from this lesson of the impact of drugs and what they can do to you.” Yet, no one listens. No one thinks it will happen to them.

However, we all have an uncle Tony, or aunt Frankie, and cousin Harold in our family that is on drugs. No one steps in to help them. We turn a blinds eye. Big Momma is the enabler, along with their spouses and mates. Giving them money so they won’t have to steal. Feeding them and staying up late at night pacing the floor waiting for them to return home. And, no one wants them over to their homes for the family events and functions because something will come up missing. All the women are clutching their purses. Then, when the party gets going, they tell everyone they are running to the store and will be right back, but either they don’t return until hours later or not at all.

In your own admission, you stated, “I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.” (*  -  *) Blank stare at you. Dummy! Yes, you dummy. You claim you are living good, (Who the hell is living good with a drug abuser in the home?) but then you say that you can have a whole lot more if he didn’t have his habit. Ugh! I swear you folks don’t think or use half the brain and common sense God has given you. I tell you stupid is as stupid does.

I am appalled at the behavior you are teaching your children. It’s beyond sad. You have taught them that drugs are ok and all you got to do is love the druggie despite the harm they are causing themselves and their family members. What’s even sadder is that your daughter said to you, “If we leave him, he won’t have nobody.” SMDH! Your daughter is going to grow up and repeat the same behavior as you. She is going to choose a man just like mommy has. And, unfortunately she will be “hopeful” that the man will change his ways one day.

And, your son. Sigh! Is that what you really want to show him how a man should be? Is that really a good representation of a good man? A man who, as you say, “With him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything.” WOW! As I’ve said over and over again, you teach people how to treat you. And, your son is getting a good education on how a man treats a woman. (I’m being sarcastic, darling)

Don’t you know that children learn by our actions? They see what we do and repeat it. You are an enabler and you’re both co-dependent on each other. And, on the real, you’re both drug users. Yeah, sweetie, that’s why you say you can’t judge him because your little pot smoking every now and then is just as bad as his coke use. You even said in your own words, “No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug.” So, how can one abuser call out another when they are doing the same thing? Do you people read what you write? You can answer your own damn letters if you pay attention. Chile, I swear the slow gene is taking over the world. I refuse to allow it to fester and grow near or around me. Get back! In the name of Jesus! I command you to get back!

And, let me ask you this, why are you enabling him? Where did you lean that behavior from? What benefit are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Do you feel obligated to him? And, I want to punch each one of your friends in their mouths. Are they in relationships with drug users or abusers? Because that will explain that asinine bull-ish they are telling you. Yeah, they are telling you to stay with him, but they are talking about you behind your back.

I’m curious to know when you met what were you going through. Were you broken? Were you down and out? Were you emotionally and mentally drained? Were you financially strapped?

You keep saying he’s a good man. So, are you trying to convince yourself about his behavior? Are you trying to outweigh his drug use with the good things he does? Please explain. Because I really don’t hope that you think his behavior is that of a good man. Because I’m certain a good man would not purposely hurt those he love, and he certainly wouldn’t be on drugs. A good man would not outwardly teach young people that using drugs is okay, either. But, that is my definition.

Oh, and for the record, if he was 43 years old when you met him six years ago, then by math and reasoning, he’s 49 going on 50, and he’s doing drugs. Uhm, sweetie, I really am going to need for you to get a grip.

And, God helps those who help themselves. If he is not willing to change or seek treatment for his addiction, then there is nothing you can do. An addict has to first admit they are an addict. Then, they have to choose to get help. But, until then, there is nothing you can do. You can offer or make suggestions to him, if he refutes them, then you have to choose to stay and deal with it, which you’re already doing, or walk away and let him deal with his own demons. Oh, yeah, how about you get some help as well. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

If his style was one of the reasons you broke up, check out these tips

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work.  What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself?  Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth.  Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship.

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real.  So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?”

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface.

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother?

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to  make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process.

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be.

Good Luck!

5 Common Mistakes Women Make Verbally That Scare Men Off

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

www.AngelTyree.com

www.ProtectYourRelationship.com

www.facebook.com/AngelTyreeJourney

I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years.

Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good.

We got married in August and I found out I was pregnant in January. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost.

We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up.

I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. It’s November and my baby’s due and our lease is up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again.  I’m on my last straw, the last days of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again,

Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is!

Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. Your fool damn self is over there listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that.

Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, i.e., He cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.”

Uhm, sorry boo boo, you may have had the pomp and circumstance of a wedding with all your friends and family present, the flower girl, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the thousands of dollars spent on feeding all those damn people, however while you were standing in your off-brand knock-off Vera Wang dress looking starry-eyed professing your vows of marriage, he was lost in space thinking to himself, “How the hell did I end up here? And, which one of these chicks I’m going to bang in the back room.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER.

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly ass broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and in your small ass heads. You thirsty ass chicks wear me so thin! You’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. And, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from these men’s nut sacs!

Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum ass dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in the equation and cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me, there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO!

Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. And, I mean take a good look at yourself, how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his ass. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, what little his broke ass has. And, put his ass on child support payments. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Is Marriage For White People?

Check out this hotspot at your next Girls Night Out!

I remember this friend asking me abruptly, “why do you like him?” See I had spent so much time bitching about what I wanted to see happen that clearly was not happening that I forgot why I decided to mess with the boyfriend in the first place. Why do I like him? I took way too long to answer the damn question I’m sure she was about to call the ambulance, but I ended up replying with, “We have chemistry.”

My double mint bubble gum hair twirling answer caused me to rethink relationships up to that point in my obviously sheltered twenty something years of life. Chemistry, the funny feeling you get all over when you stare into each other’s eyes, the way he makes you laugh, the jokes you crack together, your synchronized routine on the dance floor, the vibration of the warm kisses he gives you, the finishing of sentences- Is that enough from keeping a sister from hangover central at Girl’s Night Out?

As wonderful as chemistry is, the truth is not everyone we have electrifying connection to, we are meant to be in a sustainable relationship with. I strongly believe that there are individuals in our lifetime that can cause a stir, good or bad in our life that may have us think that they MUST be forever yet the chemistry may be the only thing in sync.

Cheating: What’s The Point?

“After Sex He Went From Wanting To Date To Not Knowing”

Ask anybody in a long term relationship, they will tell you that although there is an undying spark between them there may also be a set of shared and unshared values, diverse opinions, and the willingness to compromise and sacrifice. If one party feels the need to indulge in Girl’s Night Out while the other is unaware of the issues plaguing the peace then to put chemistry into the mix is irrelevant.

That’s my two cents, HB fam I need you to chime in…

What do you think, is chemistry all you need to sustain a relationship?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com

I’ve been in as rocky relationship for three years. My boyfriend infected me with HIV.  He unknowingly had it for years. My treatment is going well and high in numbers. His is low and stable. We don’t talk about it with each other.

I emotionally cheated on him just to feel beautiful. Flirting with others makes me feel normal in some weird way. I feel like a walking disease 95% of the time. Mentally, I’m not coping so well. I have a 4 year old daughter whom is not his and he’s helped me with her throughout these past years. He doesn’t work, gets food stamps, and he cooks, but I work 60 hours a week to support the three of us. But, bills are still hectic.

Family Dinner Night – Peruvian-Style – at Pio Pio

On two occasions he has taken money from me without me knowing it. This last time he took money that went for my HIV meds. That was the last straw. I told him to leave. That same night he left and came back asking for a hug. Then he told me that this grandmother had died. He was crying and emotional. I only met his father and I’ve never met anyone else in his family in three years. He’s met everyone in mine. His family doesn’t know his status, mine knows everything. I guess the real question is I know he lost a loved one and he has my sympathies, but I’m cold to him. The taking of the money for my meds killed any emotion I have for him. He’s asking for hugs and support and a shoulder to cry on. But I feel nothing. How should I feel? Am I truly heartless? – Heartless

“We Started Off As Bed Buddies, But Now I Want More”

Dear Ms. Heartless,

WOW! I’m floored and beyond words right now. Your boyfriend unknowingly had HIV for years, and infected you with the virus. If this is not a wake-up call for all you readers out there, then I don’t know what else to say. No matter who the person is, what they look like, and how long you’ve been with them, please make sure to get an HIV test with your partner before you start having unprotected sex with them. Do not engage in any sexual activity with anyone and you do not know their HIV status, or if they are harboring any communicable diseases. Protect yourself at all times.

Now, back to you Ms. Heartless. Uhm, sweetie if you are saying that you have no feelings for him after he took money from you, then you are equating your feelings with things. Money is replaceable, and there is an abundance of it in the world. Yes, he’s an asshole for stealing your money, and to be blunt, HE’S A THIEF. Kick his ass to the curb. But, my concern is your emotional and mental well-being, and the fact that I don’t think you’re upset, cold, and heartless because he took your money for your HIV meds. I think you’re really upset and haven’t dealt with the fact that he gave you HIV.

Your anger, hurt, and pain stems from the disease he has left you with for the rest of your life. Ba-by, you haven’t really addressed it, nor have you emotionally or mentally dealt with the affects of being HIV Positive, nor the impact he’s having on your life by remaining in a relationship with him. Go on and say it, “You hate him. You hate what he did to you. You can’t stand him. Why did this happen to you? Are you going to live long enough to see your daughter grow up, graduate school, go to college, or get married?” You’ve been asking yourself all those questions with such venomous hatred for your boyfriend, but you secretly don’t say anything. You hold it in and just deal with it. You cry yourself to sleep at night. It’s too much to deal with and you feel hopeless. Honey, I can read it all in the undertone of your letter.

I also noticed the statement where you said, “Mentally, I am not coping well.” This leads me to believe that you may be suffering from depression, or some other emotional/mental illness and it’s displaced because of your hatred and resentment toward your boyfriend. Yes, sweetie, you have some resentment and underlying hatred toward him. You even said that neither of you don’t speak about it with each other. You are holding in all that anger, hatred, and worthlessness because of what he did to you. That is an emotional and mental issue you need to deal with.

But, also, Ms. Thing, I’m curious as to why you would stay in a rocky and unhealthy relationship with a man who is in denial about his illness, doesn’t work, steals from you, and has never introduced you to any of his family members? I’ll wait while you think about it. But, I gather the only reason you stay with him is because you feel as if no one else will want you. You don’t feel desirable, or loved. Your self-esteem and self-worth are sitting in a locked box in a corner of the closet.

It’s time to heal and move on. It’s time to let him go and get him out of your life. Why be with someone who doesn’t value their own life? Why be with someone who steals from you and lies to you? He’s self-destructive, irresponsible, and self-absorbed. He’s reckless with his life, and you do not need that in your life. You need to be strong, mature, and empowered for yourself and your daughter. You have to rebuild and reclaim your life. And, it doesn’t include him. Stop thinking you’re undesirable and that no one will want you. There are plenty of people who are HIV positive who date and have healthy sex lives. There are many HIV negative people who date and have married someone HIV positive. You just have to be upfront with your partners, and use protective measures for both yourself and them. I also suggest you find a strong church home or spiritual foundation. Work on healing your soul and developing your spiritual muscle. And, seek some counseling for your emotional well-being. Stop being a victim and become a victor. – Straight From your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I’m a male who is going through a separation right now. I’m 32 and she is 27. We have been married 5 years. I knew her for 9 years. We have no kids. We were having issues within our marriage with communication. There was no abuse or cheating. She started to tell me that she felt something was missing, and she didn’t know what it was. We got along great. Toward the end she felt that we were more like friends and roommates.

I really want to work on this relationship. She said that she needed some space. She moved back in with her mom, which her mom doesn’t even like me for reasons I don’t know. I never believed in therapy, but she insisted on going. We went 3 times and she stopped. She said it was because of time and money. I told her that I would pay for the sessions. I still go to better myself. I also know that she is seeing someone that she only knew for a week. She doesn’t know that I know. I need some advice on how to deal with this and any advice on how to get her back. She finally admitted to seeing this other guy and he is already professing his love. He even bought her tickets to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. Oh yeah, they met on FaceBook. He is 34. They met on 9/15. Help me. I need some advice to get her back. – Need My Wife Back

“I Have A Fear Of Being Alone And Don’t Know How To Break The Cycle Of Codependency”

Dear Mr. Need My Wife Back,

Sigh! You sound like a really good dude. But, I hate to be the bearer of bad news my brother, but, uhm, you need to let her go. You need to give her the space she needs to do what she wants and allow her to find her way back to you. But, on the real, she has moved on. She has separated herself from you and is already getting it in with another man. Therefore, she has moved on. Open your eyes and stop being naïve.

The fact that your wife told you that she felt something was missing in your marriage and that she felt more like friends and roommates with you is a tell-tale sign that she was not interested in you sexually or physically. She had started the process months, probably years ago, of mentally placing you in a category where she would not desire or want you.

I know it’s hard hearing this because it’s difficult to let someone you love, and whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with just walk out of your life. It’s hard seeing them move on and you desperately want to make it work. But, the truth of the matter is that SHE IS GONE! (You’re standing there with your hand out with roses waiting on her to return and she is waving to you saying goodbye)

You even stated that she recommended counseling, and after 3 visits she stopped coming. She figured why waste her time, money, and energy when she had already made up in her mind that she didn’t want to fix your marriage. She didn’t want to invest in you or it. And, my question to you, my brother, is if someone doesn’t want to invest in you, your relationship, or make any attempts to save/salvage your marriage, then why are you trying to hold on to them? Stop holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held. Stop trying to make someone commit to you when they can’t even commit to themselves. Stop trying to make someone be with you who does not want to be with you. Do you see how simple and easy that is? Do you see how you can save yourself the heartache and pain of being hurt even further if you just listen to what they are saying to you, and how they are treating you? When someone wants to walk out of your life let them go. Hell, get them some running shoes and let them sprint out of your life.

But, I truly believe that some folks are gluttons for pain. They are gluttons for heartache and drama. Chile, you better stop this madness before you find yourself stalking and staking outside her momma’s house hiding in the bushes. Don’t let this drive you to become disillusioned in your head and you start acting and doing sill ass –ish for the sake of love and saving your marriage. I am not trying to hear about you on the six o’clock news.

It’s time to look at the blessings and thank her for the gift she gave you. I know you don’t see it now, but she did you a favor. And, there are several of them, but here is one: You stated that you didn’t believe in therapy, and when she recommended it you were reluctant, but you went. And, although she doesn’t continue with the sessions, you have continued and they have made you a better person. Yes, that’s a blessing. You are working on you. And, now it’s time to heal, move forward, and stop obsessing over her and her new man. So what if he is professing his love to her after only a few weeks of meeting. And, so what he bought tickets for them to go to Puerto Rico for her birthday. You sit over there and stew in hatred, bitterness, and anger, but she is going to be in Puerto Rico having fun for her birthday. Who’s going to look like the fool?

I tell you what, why don’t you buy yourself a ticket to some foreign or exotic place. And, I know the perfect places – Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic or even Rio De Jenairo, Brazil. Go. Have you some fun.  Trust me. You will thank me later.

The second blessing is that she has shown you what it is to love and love yourself. You are getting back to the essence of you, of who you are. Learn to love you, and how to love someone else. The next woman you meet will be so amazing, phenomenal, beautiful, intelligent, spiritually grounded, and designed for you by God. Again, you can’t see it now because you’re focused on the right now. You’re focused on “My wife left me and has moved on.” Stop mopping, crying, and whining. Ugh! I can’t stand to see a grown ass man with no backbone, and no balls. Let your nuts hang and let them swing. It’s time to man-up.

So, start the process of forgiving your wife. Forgive her and yourself. You made mistakes. It didn’t work and now it’s time to move, and it’s okay. You recognize what went wrong, and now you can move forward and begin to heal and learn from the mistakes. Get your big boy drawers on, and give yourself three months to see if your wife will want to make amends. If nothing changes and she’s not interested, then start the divorce proceedings, get your affairs in order (financially and emotionally) and throw the deuces up. It’s time to be and do you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I have been dating since I was 16 years old and have never been single. I’m 28 now. As one relationship ends I find myself in a new one, sometimes within days. I have never been married and have no kids. I have had two 5 years relationship back to back. I am currently dating a guy for the last 2 years now, on and off. Now we are currently off, he wants us to try again but I’m not happy with him. I’m only with him because I don’t want to be alone. I have a fear of being alone.  Am I codependent? And if so, how do I break this cycle? – Dependant On Relationships

“He Cheated, Dumped Me, Said He Loved Her More Than Me, But I Took Him Back”

Dear Ms. Dependant on Relationships,

Well, it’s obvious you’ve identified the problem, now let’s get you a solution.

Codependency generally is the feeling as if you yourself are not enough, and you need someone to fulfill a void that you have within you. And, if you need something, or someone to fill the void within you, then sweetie you will never be happy. You will forever be searching to have someone step in and help you feel adequate, enough, or whole.

You will never get married or have kids because they cannot do what you ultimately need to do for yourself, and that is to love yourself. No one can love you if you don’t love yourself. And, no one can make you happy if you are not happy.

But, on another note, sweetie, your codependency makes you selfish. You are self-centered and self-focused. Any outside force or person taking the attention off of you will make you feel threatened. You are the end all and be all. It’s all about you. But, at the same time you are unhappy and miserable in your relationships because they cannot and never will be able to give you what you need or want. And, quite frankly darling, you don’t know what you need or want because you haven’t identified the root of your problem.

Nothing, or no one can make you feel worthy, enough, or whole but you. The feeling of inadequacy or having a fear of being alone is something you need to find within yourself and look into your past. And, I’m going out on a limb here to say that something happened in your past when you were 16 years old. You stated that ever since you were 16 you’ve never been single. Something happened. Something at that moment changed the dynamics and landscape of your life forever. You were left alone and/or felt abandoned, and when that moment happened you subconsciously made a vow, a commitment to yourself that you would never be alone again because you didn’t like the feeling. Thus, you’ve created this universe, this world where you won’t be alone. Therefore you are committed to not being alone. Regardless of the men who come into your life, you will choose anyone to satisfy the very desire you don’t want to have, and that is to be alone.

Now, recognize the men you’ve been in relationships with. They have not been the most desirable of men, but because you are committed to not being alone, you’ll choose any man to step in and give you a relationship just so that you won’t be alone, even at the sacrifice and well-being of yourself. You want someone to be responsible for your happiness, your joy, and to make you feel loved. That is pure stupidity, insanity, and just asinine.

So, it’s time to reflect back to that moment, that time in your life when you were 16 and identify what happened. Who left you? Who abandoned you? Or, what threat did you feel about being alone at 16? Did a parent leave? Was it someone close to you that left you?

Until you do the work your current relationship is going to end just like your previous relationships. Just as they didn’t bring you any fulfillment or happiness, then neither will he. That is why you are off right now. That is why you stated you are not happy with him. He is not the problem. He is not the solution. You are! Stop looking outside of yourself to have someone fill what’s empty inside of you.

And, to break this cycle you have to do the work. You have to find out what happened and why you don’t like being alone. And, then you have to replace that thought and feeling with something positive. Tell yourself, “I am enough. I am whole. I am complete. I am love. I am lovable. I am responsible for me.” You have to seek happiness and fulfillment with self. You have to learn how to be whole and complete because you are enough. You are complete. When you come to love yourself and know that you have nothing to fear about being alone or codependent on someone, then you will have moved into a space of self-awareness. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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While communication will take a never-ending effort to keep relevant issues that are integral to the relationship alive and pinned up frustrations at bay, here are a few tips to keep the lines of communication flowing openly:

1. Shut up and listen! One of the most important things that you can do for your relationship is to listen to your partner for the sake of validating his/her voice. When listening to your partner try to refrain from interrupting, using body language to negate what is being shared by your partner, and thinking of what you want to say next. Be present. Listen attentively. Reaffirm what you heard him/her say. Respect that your partner has an opinion, valid emotions and a voice within the relationship.
2. Agree to disagree. The beauty of the garden is the difference of the flowers. Fortunately, you won’t always agree on every issue and herein lays an opportunity to respectfully disagree. Make every effort to understand your partners’ point-of-view and if there is no mutual agreement, then by all means – agree to disagree. The key is to be able to talk out those differences free of negative and condescending judgments with intentions of meeting in the middle.
3. Dismiss your ego from the conversation. Sadly, most people would rather be right (or worse, prove the other person wrong) than to be happy. Often it is your ego that fuels arguments, is unwilling to compromise and ultimately destroys the relationship. There must be a relinquishing of “me”, in the sense of ego involvement, to communicate for the sake of the relationships sustainability.
4. Be honest with yourself, first. If you know vital components of your personality to be true that will be pivotal and possibly detrimental to your relationship then it is your duty to accept “who you really are” and share that information with your partner. If you have anger management issues, you are/have been violent in relationships, you like to have multiple partners, you don’t like to keep a steady job, you torture animals…you get the picture. When you lie to yourself about your authentic-self, then you are setting your relationships up for fail – because who you are will eventually present itself once you have relaxed into your comfort zone.
5. Practice healthy detachment. When couples communicate bringing heartfelt concerns, intimate personal details and ideals to the conversation it is important to be detached from your projected outcome. While it is important to stay positive and optimistically anticipate a “happy ending” to the communication, it is equally as important to not be rigidly attached to the final outcome. There has to be flexible room for reaching a common ground that sometimes includes compromise to reach a mutually agreeable outcome.

Mastering good communication skills is necessary for all areas of life; personal and professional. The skills presented here can benefit every area of your life if applied. While there is no absolute that your relationship will last forever, having good communication will assuredly make you a better person and likely attract people to you who are willing to be better communicators. Good luck!

10 Ways To Separate The Boys From The Men

How To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

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I am in a relationship with a man 12 years older than me. In the beginning of our relationship it was perfect! He was such a gentleman and knew how to treat me. Fast forward a year later and I began to see his true colors. I found out that he was in a relationship with another woman for 2 years! I was completely shocked and heartbroken. I was the side chick and didn’t even know it. When it was time for him to make a decision he dropped me like a bad habit and made it clear that he loved her more. To make a long story short they broke up (about 6 months later) and I decided to give him another chance. We are going on our third year together and things are good. We go to church and now live together as well. Besides him being insecure and jealous we have a pretty normal relationship. The problem here is that I just can’t let go of the past. There are a few details I left out (because you hate long letters). Should I try and work through it or do what I should have done 3 years ago? – I Can’t Get Over His Past

“I Loaned Money To A Friend And He’s Taking His Time Paying Me Back”

Dear Ms. I Can’t Get Over His Past,

Well, there is nothing I can tell you. You’ve already made your choice. You took him back after he dropped you for the woman he was in a relationship with for two years. (Let’s be clear: They were in a relationship while you were dating him. And, like you said you were the side chick). He told you that he loved her more than he loved you. DAMN! That’s some cold ass –ish. But, when they ended 6 months later he came running back to you and you took him back. (Dumbass – Oops, sorry, that was a Freudian slip). You welcomed him home like the prodigal child. Just as happy and giddy that he came back to you after their relationship ended. I can see you now when he called you up. You were jumping up and down with that auburn wig on your head and doing your happy dance because he chose you, but only after things didn’t work out with the other woman. LMBAO!

So, what do you want me to tell you? You want me to tell you to stay and work it out since you two live together now. He comes home to you at night and you make him breakfast and dinner, and you know what he’s doing and where he is most of the time. And don’t let me forget that you go to church together. So, just because you go to church together you think you’ve made him change his ways. He’s reformed and is in love with you now? Girl, miss me already. (Just so you know I’m giving you the side eye with a smirk on my face). Then, you go on to state that he is insecure and jealous. Hmmmm, well, I know that when insecurity and jealousy are in a relationship it’s generally because the partner is doing the very same things they are accusing you of doing. But, that’s just me and my wisdom and maturity speaking.

But, that’s not why you wrote me, isn’t it darling. You want answers as to if you should stay and make it work or dump him like you should have three years ago. Honey, personally, I wish I might take a man back in my arms, life, and bed after I discovered he was in another relationship with someone else while dating me. And, then have the gall to drop me for them and tell me that he loved the other person more than me. Like our cousin Fantasia sang, “If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself. If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead to someone else.” Or, in the words of our girl, Beyonce’, “So, since I’m not your everything, how about I be nothing, nothing at all to you.” But, that’s just me, dumbass. (Oops, sorry about that. There goes that Freudian slip again).

You’re holding on to the past while trying to create a future with him. Either let the past go, or let him go. However, the problem you made was letting him come back with no reprimand of his actions. You made it too easy for him to return. You returned right back to the behavior and relationship you had when he left. It was as if he never left, never cheated on you, never deceived you, never manipulated you, and never made you feel worthless. He hasn’t paid for what he did to you. Oh, sweet chile, that man needs to pay for his actions. He needs to pay dearly and I’m not talking about a slap on the wrist or some verbal lashing. His paycheck, and I’m assuming he’s working, would be fully deposited into my account each time he gets paid. The mortgage, he would be paying. We would not be renting an apartment. And, I would find the biggest house, too. I would have the car of my choosing, paid in full. He would be showering me with lots of love, affection, and attention. He would make it a point to let me know how much he adores me, loves me, desires me, and with all his heart and all his soul how much he truly needs me in his life and there is no other. Again, that is just me.

But, since you refuse to let what happened go, then perhaps you need to find some closure. And, he can help you with that. It’s time you two sat down and you asked him some real hard questions. Ask him why he never told you about the other woman he was in a relationship with? Ask him that since he loved her more than you and dumped you to be with her, does he still have any feelings for her? Ask him if he is still in love with her. Ask him what really happened that led to them ending their relationship six months later. Ask him what do you mean to him. Ask him why the two of you are not married, and yet you are playing house and you’re living together, dating for the past three years, and there is no ring on your finger or marriage proposal. Ask him where does he see your relationship going. Ask him if he’s seeing any other women, or if he has been with any woman during the time you’ve gotten back together.

Then, I want you to tell him the truth. Tell him that you don’t trust him. Tell him that you haven’t gotten over what happened. Tell him that you are unsure of your present and your future with him. Tell him that you don’t want to play house for another year or three years. Tell him that you want to be married, have a family, and start fresh and new with him. Tell him that you need an authentic and true apology for what he did to you and how he treated you and how he handled the situation. Tell him that he really needs to work on regaining your trust, your forgiveness, your heart, and your love.

If after he answers your questions and you still find it hard to get over what happened, then you need to let him go. You need to remove yourself from the relationship and heal. Stop being bitter, angry, and hurt. You are choosing those emotions and feelings. Trust me, he has gotten over what he’s done. He’s not even thinking about it. You’re still holding on to it. Thus, your relationship is not authentic. It is unstable, and there is no trust. By the way, it’s obvious that going to church with him is not working because if it was then you’d have developed some spiritual muscle and wisdom to forgive him, move on, and stop suffering in silence. You’re just there for show. So, stop sitting in church pouting with your arms folded across your chest and that auburn wig sitting crooked on your head, and let God work in your life and everything will become clear. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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Three months later I married her friend thinking this was where I was supposed to be but I was wrong. She got pregnant and it turned out that it wasn’t even my baby. Yes it was some, “You are not the father type bulls**t.” I’ve never been done so dirty in my life. By the way my stepfather turned out to be the father. Anyway I ran into my ex wife about six months ago and we started hanging out again. We have this amazing friendship that somehow I missed out on when we were married.

Recently I’ve come to realize I still love her and I want her back. I know I messed up, but a brothas willing to beg like a fat man at KFC with no wallet. To make matters worse she told me that at the time all our divorce drama was going on she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel like s**t now.  I know she feels something for me but I can tell she’s still hurting. She’s in remission now but she’s so fragile and I don’t wanna force my feelings on her.

I know we belong together I just need her to trust me again. What do I do man? What do I do?  I’VE BEEN A DAMN FOOL

“I’m Seeing A Married Man, And He’s Waiting Until His Son Turns 18 To Leave His Wife”

Dear Mr. I’ve Been A Damn Fool

(@     @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

Are you serious right now? I mean, really? You can’t possibly be writing me thinking your wife is going to take you back. If your wife is even remotely considering taking you back she would be the DAMN FOOL!

The hell is wrong with your silly trifling no-good need your nuts clipped bull-ish are you on? You cheated on your wife with her best friend, then turned around and married the trick – (You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife). Your wife wanted to work things out, but you were so caught up on the ill na-na, because that was some community p***y. She gets pregnant and come to find out it’s not your child but your stepfather’s. And, you have the gall and audacity to say, “I’ve never been done so dirty in my life.” I can’t believe you wrote that line with any ounce of sanity!! HOW DARE YOU!?!?! I wish I could grip you in a headlock and strangle your ass to stop the air from getting to the rest of your small ass brain.

HELLO!  As dirty as you did your wife the karma that has bit you on the ass is only a small sampling of what’s to come.

Then you wrote, “We have this amazing friendship that somehow I missed out on when we were married.” Chile, SMDH! Let me ask you this, do friends do what you did to your wife? Do friends betray, deceive, and manipulate one another? You are clearly delusional if you think you and your wife are friends. I’m certain she would say something different in regards to your relationship. I’m sure your wife is singing Beyonce’s song, “Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodged a bullet….You turned out to be the best thing I never had.” She is all the better without you. Trust and believe if she is thinking of taking you back it is only to get revenge. But, because the spiritual goodness in her heart will not allow her to do so, she is smiling in your face and hopefully forgiven you for what you did to her, and she is reveling in this moment of, “See, I knew your no-good ass would come running back to me. You missed out on this good thing and didn’t realize how good you had it. So, now you’ve come crawling back wanting to get back with me.” No sir. It ain’t happening. Not going to happen.

And, Mr. Ass-Hole Of The Year, before you cheated on your wife did you think about how much you belonged together while you were laying up with her best friend? Before you asked your wife for a divorce did you think how you may be hurting your wife by sleeping with her best friend? And, before you married your wife’s best friend did you give any consideration into how wrong and trifling it was, and how your wife was probably emotionally and mentally damaged and betrayed by two people she loved? Naw, you didn’t think about any of that. You were so wrapped up in yourself, your needs, your selfish desires, and what your d**k wanted that you betrayed your wife. You stole her trust. You destroyed her dreams. You crushed her spirit. And, you’re asking me how can you get her back and gain back her trust? WOW! I truly think you are touched in the head, and I mean both of them.

Let me ask you this and I want you to be really honest with yourself – If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife cheated on you with your best friend, then came to you and asked for a divorce, and three months later she married your best friend, but it didn’t work out between them, and she came back to you asking you to take her back, would you take her back? Would you get back into a relationship with her? Would you remarry her? If your answer is “no,” then why the hell would you think your wife would consider the possibilty of getting back with you? I truly believe with all my might, all my spirit, and all my being that many of you have the slow degenerate gene in you. Something happened to damage your emotional and mental growth. And, the bull-ish you all do and put yourselves in truly is a result of the stumped growth in your development into adults.

By the way, since you were sharing community p***y, have you been tested for any diseases? Have you gone through a spiritual cleanse to remove her spirit from yours? Have you sought spiritual counseling to reprieve of your soul and get right with yourself? Have you apologzied to your ex-wife for what you did to her? Have you asked for authentic and true forgiveness for the damage you caused her?

Instead of trying to jump back into a relationship with your ex-wife, how about you get into a relationship with yourself. How about you understand who you are, and why you did what you did. How about you work on getting yourself together emotionally, mentally, and physically. And, if you truly want to be a friend to your ex-wife, just be supportive of her and her recovery during the remission of her cancer. An intimate relationship should be the last thing on your mind. What she needs more from you is an apology, asking her forgiveness, and letting her know that you are there if she needs you for support. She’s dealing with a lot and as you’ve stated, her emotional, mental, and physical being are fragile. She doesn’t need any stress. She doesn’t need to be worrying, or returning to an emotional roller coaster you took her on. You should simply let her know that you’re available for her, and allow her to reach out to you if she wants or needs you for anything. And, simply just be an ear for her. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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I have a long and very bad habit of turning my guy friends into my boyfriends. In fact, the longest and most serious boyfriend I’ve had began as my best friend. I mean, it seems perfectly natural and correct. People always say, ‘I married my best friend,’ so I guess I took that advice literally by dating my best friend. Our relationship was great because we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company, but the down side is that, when you break up, you lose both a boyfriend and a best friend in one fell swoop.

I have great resources for this conundrum: my friends – that is, my dear girlfriends and the guys I haven’t dated (yet) – are still my friends. And I have found that the general consensus is that girls think that men and women can be friends, but guys don’t. Most of my guy friends admitted to me that they have thought about sleeping with almost every female friend they have, or used friendship as a tool to get closer to the girl in hopes of turning their friendship into more. One comment by a friend, who is literally the real-life version of Samantha from Sex and the City, said, “Men are for f***ing and women are for friendships.”

That comment blew me away because, in a lot of ways, it’s a very raw and honest statement. However, it then it occurred to me that eventually all of that intense passion and sexual lust you feel for your man will dissipate, but the unyielding bond of friendship is what really lasts. Because, at the end of the day, you just want to be with one who makes you laugh.

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My husband cheated on me a couple of years ago and as a result he had a daughter with this woman who claims to be our friend, and she was our Boss at one point. I found out when she served him papers for child support. I was devastated after six years of marriage. I wanted to call it off, but he convinced me that he did not want anything to do with them, and didn’t want to have a life with her only with me, and have a family of our own one day

Since he knew I didn’t want him to have any contact with the woman, but in order to know about his daughter, which looks a lot like him, he stared calling behind my back. I found out after I saw a text from her. We argued and he told me that he wanted to know his daughter and it was killing him inside missing time with her.

Finally, I made a decision. I went to talk to this lady in person and told her what my husband wanted and that I was 100% supportive as long as we stay clear of what the purpose is – which is the girl to know and build a relationship with her dad. She said yes to me. We meet and spend time with them. Everything was looking way to good to be true. My husband and I agreed he would only speak to her in front of me, and only about the girl. Unfortunately, things were too good to be true. It turns out this woman requested time alone with my husband, and for him to tell her if he really doesn’t want anything with her. And, if I’m around they were to get a code word so she knows when they are on the phone. He told me he called her from a friend’s cell so I wouldn’t see the numbers if I checked our lines. He claims this is the only way to end whatever doubts this woman has. I’m so frustrated and disappointed at myself and don’t know what to say anymore.

I want him to have a nice relationship with his daughter. She is only three and a half now, and I want to be strong to deal with this woman, but not like this again. How can I convince him to see that giving her that time alone or not having calls around me will make her think he still doesn’t respect me or give me my place? How can I put it in words that he can understand last? Note: They don’t have custody together yet – He Needs To Understand

“My Husband Tells Me To Leave Him & That He Hates Me, But I Know He Loves Me”

“He Admitted To Being With A She-Male But Only After I Discovered Info On His Computer”

Dear Ms. He Needs To Understand,

Uhm, sweetie, you sound like a correctional officer and parole officer. You want to monitor his every move with this woman, who was both your boss at one point, and whom he cheated on you with, and then she bore a child. Girl, I can’t today. But, I’m going to let that marinate in your thick ass skull for a minute.

Chile, how the hell are you going to monitor and control their relationship? You are going to sit by the phone as they speak each time she calls? You’re going to ride shotgun in the car when he goes to see his daughter? Girl, please stop. Stop this silly –ish. They are grown ass adults. You want to tell him when he call her, spend time with his daughter, get your permission to do this, and can only do all of this in your presence. LMBAO! You sound really silly.

Since today is Basic Wednesday, I’m going to give you a Basic Answer. NEWS FLASH: SHE IS GOING TO BE IN YOUR LIFE FOREVER! HE HAS A CHILD WITH THE WOMAN.

If you can’t handle this bit of important information and their relationship, then you need to get a divorce ASAP!  The child is only three and half years old. You do realize she is still a child. She hasn’t even got to pre-teen years, teenage years, and a young woman, yet. Girl, this road is going to get worse and bumpier as you travel on it. If you can’t deal with it now, then get out NOW!

But, let’s get something abundantly clear – Your husband cheated on you. Your husband has been deceitful and manipulative and he continues to be deceitful and manipulative. You only found out about the whole hotmess.com after he was served with papers for child support from the woman, your former boss. Otherwise, he would have never told you. So, his behavior and what he continues to do and show you are a result of who he is. GIRL, WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM!!! Big dummy!

All of his actions point in one direction: He’s a liar. He can’t be trusted.  And, then he goes behind your back and conspire with the woman, your former boss, whom he cheated with and bore a child, (I’m going to drive that point home), and they create a code word so they can have secret conversations, and he went out of his way to use a friend’s cell phone to call her. Hmmmm, what does that tell you about your husband? Again, I’ll let that marinate in your thick ass skull.

You’re so busy trying to be superwoman, correctional officer, and parole officer trying to prove you’re understanding, and willing to get along with all of this drama and ignorant bull-ish that you are failing to miss the entire big picture: HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE.

It’s time to get yourself some self-esteem. Some respect. Some self-worth. Some backbone. And, pull your big girl panties up and bounce up out. They deserve to be together. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect your marriage. He doesn’t care what you think or say. He is going to do what he wants to do. So, let that MF run amuck. He’ll learn his lesson, and trust and believe he’ll come running back to you on his hands and knees begging you to take him back. But, hopefully you will have moved on, and found a new man one who respects loves and cherishes you. – Your Gay Best Friend

1. They text you before 8 p.m.
2. They ask how your presentation/test/interview/trial went.
3. They call you. On the phone.
4. You allow yourself to be photographed with them.
5. They spend the night, you both sleep in and then get brunch the next day.
6. The two of you are hanging out. Sober. Not hungover.
7. You kiss as a greeting (not just as a pathway to sex or out of obligation in the morning).
8. They invite you out to the bar with their friends before they’re ready to leave.
9. They loaned you a book. (You don’t loan a booty call a book.)
10. They accidentally call you “baby” (not in bed).

GET THE REST HERE!

The Ultimate “Wish I Didn’t Invite Him To Stay Over” Story

Myth: Men Who Still Live At Home Are Wack

I was so scared to write to you because you are brutally honest.

Anyway, I am a 23-year old black female and have been married since I was 19 years old. My husband is 27 now. He was 23 when we got married. Yeah I know I was young, but I love my man. I really do. I’d do anything for him and he knows it but I think he uses that to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong I am not an angel.

First, I moved from Seattle to Boston at 19, quit my job, left college (but am back in school now here in Boston). I have no family or true friends here in Boston. My mom does not agree with my decisions but her and I have been having problems since the beginning of time. She’s 38 and I am 23. We fight like sisters. But back to my man. When we first started things were ok, but things changed quickly. We started fighting. He had anger and trust issues because of his past. He was emotionally abusive and that took a while to stop, but he did. Things got really rocky when I missed my family so much that I moved back west for 6 months. When I came back to Boston, things were even worse, but we worked thru it. It was the worst time of my life. I cried like every day. Remember I said I ain’t no angel but I am not a cheater or a liar. I just talk a lot of -ish when am being attacked. I mean I take low blows when I feel like I am being attacked and I have a hard time listening when I am mad. Mind you, I did not have a father figure so I really did not know how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

Long story short, the beginning of this year things were almost perfect. I mean I’ve never been happier with him. But all that changes when we have little normal disagreement. When I mess up like any human would and he verbally attacks me like he used to (not as bad though) I do not take low blows like I used to. I tell him how I feel in a mature way, but he uses that as ammo and keeps saying he’s tired of this -ish, he can’t do this -ish, and if I can’t deal with things, “just leave me dog,” (those are his exact words). It’s freaking hurtful to hear that after all I’ve put up with. And, it’s a lot – from spitting in my face (that was the very beginning of our relationship) to pouring water on my hair, to calling me all sort of names, and some pushing. I threw dishes at him when he did that and he called the cops on me, but he was the one who went to jail cause he was making a scene at our condo complex.

Anyways, I am just so confused and I finally got my dignity back to stand up to him and tell him as it is. But, all he keeps saying is just leave me, or if you can’t handle what I expect from you then you should have never been with me. I do everything from cooking, cleaning, getting him ready for work, looking cute for him, buying gifts, watch games with him. I mean I do everything from my heart… I am his homie and lover. And, I really don’t mind doing those things as long as I get the love and respect I give him). Then he goes on saying that he hates me. It’s so hard for him to apologize. I mean I don’t expect perfection but damn can I get respect?

OMG! He also complains about the littlest things. Like, if the house is a lil messy, not dirty (he’s a clean freak but I am not), he starts saying I need to clean the entire house from dusting to taking down spider webs that I can’t see but he can. He just wants the house spotless. I HATE it when he does that because I do me. And, when I do clean he pretty much goes over the whole house to make sure it’s clean. I just leave and have a cigarette.

I’ve matured over the years with him, but it’s like why do I keep hearing this -ish of just leave me dog or I hate you? I mean I hear that at least once a week. I never ever say -ish like that to him. I am at the point of really taking him serious and leaving. I have a hard time making that decision because when I went back home to see my family, I left him with no job (he was collecting unemployment) and he had to pay all the rent and utilities on that unemployment check. I mean it’s not like the check was little. He could survive, but ever since I left, he uses that against me so much that I can’t decide on leaving. But, I am at the point of  “F” it… whatever.” But, when he comes around to his senses he always finds a way to my heart again. I mean always.

I ask myself why do I let him do this. Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? I am not bragging about us but people envy us. We are both attractive. I’ve fought women over him and vice-versa. And, we do well for our age. So, it’s like should I walk away with my respect or should I stay. I love him so much though. I am so confused. I am independent. I pay my own bills. I have my own car, and pay for my school. So, it’s not like he really supports me. Please help!!! Confused Young Wife

Dear Ms. Confused Young Wife,

Chile! This letter right here is many, many things! Gurl!

You had me up until the end.  That’s when all the contradictions came pouring out.

I really wonder if you all read your letters before you send them…..wait, why am I asking that question. Of course you do. But, you’re so in denial about your situation that you can’t see and hear yourself. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. And, especially one that can’t comprehend, or rationalize.

You asked me, and yourself, why do you let him do this to you – Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? Uhm, boo boo, earlier in the letter you said he was collecting unemployment. So, what lifestyle are you accustomed to? You rent a damn apartment. You don’t own a home! And, what type of car is he balling in with bouts of unemployment? And, if you say he has swagger, and that’s what swagger is then uhm, I’ll pass. Swagger is overused and overrated.

Then you go on to say that you are independent. You pay your own bills. You have your own car and pay for school. Uhm, again sweetie, if you’re married, then how are you independent? Why are you paying your own bills? If you’re married shouldn’t the two of you be one unit? You’re no longer independent, but are one entity. Your bills are his bills and vice-versa. You share everything. But, this is what happens when hood ghetto ass people get together and marry. You’re still trying to hold on to your independence while you’re married to a man. Girl, stop it! Stop it right now and let go of that, “I’m independent. I got my own –ish. I don’t need a man. I can do bad all by myself,” ghetto ass talk!

Chile, I can’t do you people today. This is why you should wait until you’re old enough, mature enough, and have dealt with your psychology, emotional, and mental issues before involving someone else in your mess, and then marrying them.

This ghetto love is just that – GHETTO LOVE. All this talk of, “I love my man. I’m down for him. We fight like cats and dogs, but the make-up sex is the bomb. I’ll cut a bish for my man. I don’t play!! We call the cops on each other and, yeah, he hits me sometimes, spits in my face, pours water on my hair, and mushes me in the face, but I love him and he loves me.” SMDH! This is insanity. Pure insane and asinine bull-ish that you ghetto ass people go through on the daily to prove that you got a man, or woman, and that you love someone. THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS GHETTO HIGH SCHOOL IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AND IT’S A RESULT OF YOUR GHETTO ASS PARENTS.

You clearly have unresolved issues surrounding your mother, and absent father. You have emotional and mental issues that have not been addressed, and yet you found a man when you were 19 and he was 23. You found your “Daddy.” I call it the, “Looking For Daddy Syndrome.” And, you found a man to replace the missing dad in your life to take you away from the anguish, heartache, pain, agony, and unworthiness you felt. Your unresolved issues of feelings of no self-worth, low self-esteem, and not good enough were all replaced by a man who made you feel good, and gave you some good sex. You equated sex with love, and that misplaced and misunderstood emotional and physical pleasure made you think your mental problems were solved.

Girl, there is so many issues and challenges with you and your letter that I can’t today! I told you all that I’m not interested in your pity parties, sob stories of a life of unhappiness and a man who makes you feel like –ish. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get the hell out!! If you don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, then why the hell are you still in the relationship with them? Get the hell out!!! If they are not adding to you, building you, inspiring you, empowering you, encouraging you, or loving you without conditions or restrictions, then get the hell out!!!! It’s that damn simple people!!!

Hmmmm, just a quick question while I’m thinking of it – Isn’t ironic that the very things you were running from at 19 from your family, you found it in your husband? Yeah, all those mental and emotional issues are showing up in your marriage with your husband. You chose your past and made it your present and future. That’s what sex and d**k will do to you. Make you lose focus and forget what your problems are. D**k is a dangerous drug. I keep telling you folks that. You’re going to listen.

Then your husband tells you consistently to leave him, and that he hates you. You do realize that the word “hate” is a strong and powerful word. It’s pure displeasure, and a strong dislike. Now, you’re asking me what to do when he says this to you. Do me a favor and move those weaved blond highlights from your eyes and let me punch you in the face!!! If he tells you on a weekly basis to leave him and that he hates, then leave him because he hates you! HELLO!!!!

Why do you keep putting yourself through this agony? Why put up with this pain? Why put up with this man who hates himself, doesn’t care for you, and basically doesn’t care about your marriage? Answer those questions. And, be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free. But, I’ll tell you this if someone kept telling me to leave and how much they hated me, I’d leave their ass sitting in their own misery and I’d do it when they went to work. Pack all my –ish and bounce. Change my numbers. Change my emails. Hell, I’d go through an entire metamorphosis of change.

I strongly recommend marriage counseling, and some personal counseling for the both of you for emotional and mental health issues. You both are emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing one another. It’s time to stop the madness. Stop the turmoil. And, stop this GHETTO LOVE! It’s not cute. And, for the record, people are not envious of you and your relationship, they actually feel sorry for the both of you. How two people can tear each other down yet claim they love one another is pure comedy. But, misery loves company, and stupid is what stupid does. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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I have been married to this guy for a little over 4 years. We have two kids- 5 & 3 years old. We own a home which I had to beg, curse and cry to get him to contribute 50% of the down payment. I figured that if he wanted to stay with me he would have to contribute to the house.  I knew he had the money, but for some reason he always cries broke except when it comes to his family. I mean on the outside looking in a lot of people make comments like “your family is so cute”… “You guys have it all together,” but I’m hating life! Yes, they see me driving a new Lexus. But the only reason is that I put him out after I found out he was cheating on me while I was 7 months pregnant! Whenever he gets mad, it becomes his car, not mine!

Yes, they see the kids always dressed nice and well-behaved but that’s all me. All my husband (I cringe when I have to refer him as such) manages to do is keep the couch warm and the electronics turned on. So, he tries to be affectionate and kiss or rub on me but I’m so turned off. As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex. The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.

He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings. Like one minute he’s singing, making obnoxious jokes, all in my personal space and the next he’s mean-faced glued to the TV. He also has a bad temper and has said some real foul stuff to me and calls me names. We went to counseling once (after he jumped on me with our newborn in my arms) and was diagnosed with depression. I had kicked him out the house and was loving life- with just the kids. He kept begging me to come back and I agreed on the condition he continued with counseling. That never happened. Recently when I brought it up his response was something like “You don’t know me or my heart. How dare you try to tell me what I need to do?” Great!

So here I am living in a home with this man I can’t stand, raising two kids as a pseudo- single mom, hating life. I should also mention that I can’t talk to him the way I used to when we were dating. He uses all the bits of info from my past to throw back in my face when convenient. Not that I have loads of skeletons in my closet, but does he really need to bring up that I used to date older men? Or that one of my exes used to abuse me so why would I make a big deal when he jumped on me? Is this dude serious? I’ve told him that I want a divorce (I ended up agreeing after he said he wanted one our entire 1st yr of marriage) but now he’s fighting it. I think it’s not that he loves me so much but because he’s comfortable. He has a great life which involves him not doing much. I think I know what I want to do. But just want to get your take on it. – Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out

“I’m Married, But Everytime I Go Pick Up My Daughter From My Ex She Answers The Door In Her Panties”

Dear Ms. Wishing For An Easy Way Out,

Welp! I hate to say it, but you got exactly what you wanted and then some. You were so blinded by your own desires that you ignored every sign, every heeded message, and the big blaring red signals going haywire over your head. You were so determined to be married, have this great family, and get what YOU wanted that you did it at the sake of your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. WOW! You are a nut case in the true sense that you are so driven by insanity that you will do whatever it takes to get what you want.

Now, here you are writing in seeking advice because your selfish desires got you into this hotmess.com and now you want a wayout.net. I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit your responsibility and immature tactics in this situation. You manipulated this man into marrying you, then you begged, cursed, cried and demanded he put down 50% on a house that he probably didn’t want, and because you wanted to have kids you laid down with him and as you said, “As for the kids, I wanted to have children so I got what I wanted out of the sex.” Hmmmm, after revisiting all of that doesn’t that make you sound very childish and immature? Doesn’t that sound like someone who is manipulative, conniving, deceiving, and selfish? Let me pull up a chair and get comfortable because this is about to get really good.

Then you go on to say, “The marriage part… maybe I didn’t think he could possibly be as bad as his family told me he was. They were right. I should’ve run for the hills.” Honey, you’re absolutely correct. You didn’t think. Chile, you folks with your ulterior motives and sneaky ass ways manipulating folks and situations always want to cry wolf when the –ish hits the fan. Well, sorry, boo boo, but I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You created and designed this life of “fake wonderful trying to impress others by satisfying your own needs but now your ass is showing.” Get the “F” outta here.

But, I’m not done, Ms. Honey. It appears that you have a history of dating abusive men. You said your husband throws up in your face that you dated an abusive man before, and then when he was abusive to you after he jumped on you with your newborn in your arms, that you have no right or cause to complain. Okay, I agree with you, WTF is he talking about? He’s trying to justify himself with that bull –ish? You should have slapped the mess out him, packed his bags and put his ass out of the house. No man can justify beating or abusing a woman in any manner.

But, you need to do some introspection and get to the root cause of why you feel the need to choose abusive men, and where does this pattern stem from. Your husband may have only jumped on you once, but trust and believe he will do it again. Sit your miserable ass over there complaining if you want to. His mentally unstable ass will go upside your head again and then what are you going to do? You’re just simple.

And, for the record, he is not only physically abusive, but he is also emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s been diagnosed as depressed. Uhm, sweetie, that is a mental disorder. And, he takes his anger and illness out on you, and I’m certain the kids feel the wrath of his mental illness as well. He is an abuser mentally, emotionally, and physically. Plain and simple – He needs to remain in therapy, and he needs to take his medication. What’s really sad about you is that you are in denial about his mental illness just as he is in denial. You wrote, “He has major personality issues. Not a mental illness, per say, but severe mood swings.” So, when you went to counseling and he was diagnosed with depression, what part of that did you not understand? Chile, depression is a mental illness. It’s a disorder. But, you are so “F’ing” clueless living in this fantasy world you’ve created that you’ve allowed your disillusion to cloud your judgment.

And, I don’t understand why you are still in the marriage if it’s not what you want, or what he wants. What the hell am I thinking! Misery loves company. You’re two miserable people and would rather be miserable and unhappy together than happy and sane alone. SMDH! Girl, your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The sad part is that you’re both in it for the wrong reasons and instead of being honest with one another, you’re both deceiving and manipulating one another, and lying to yourselves.

I’m curious as to what made you stay after you learned he cheated on you when you were 7 months pregnant? Oh, my bad, why am I asking that silly ass question. He bought you a Lexus. So, you got something out of the deal. I’m sure you manipulated that out of him. Do you realize that you not only justified his behavior, but you asked him to reward you with something material for something he did emotional and physical, and will leave a long lasting effect on you and the marriage. Now, does that make any sense to you?

Why am I talking with you? You clearly don’t see how you are a big contributing factor to all of this mess that YOU created. YOU had this fixation on this life of being married and having kids. YOU chose this man. Now, here you are miserable and unhappy and asking for an easy way out.  Girl, get the freaking divorce. Stop stalling. You never really wanted to be with him in the first place. Hell, it could have been any man to give you what YOU wanted, and it just so happens that it was him. Girl, miss me and yourself. And, you need to get into some counseling yourself. You need to stop lying to yourself, manipulating others, and instead of making everyone else’s life miserable do them all a favor and just leave! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!