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Before I go off on a “this should be in my future best-seller” tangent, I’ll stop.

HelloBeautiful Gets Candid About Love, Life, Sex & Relationships With “SHANDA SAYS!”

The other day I went searching the internet for exciting info to share with the family and I came across a theory by psychologist John Lee called “Love Styles” or “The Colors of Love”. The theory identifies 6 distinct love styles that individuals practice in their romantic relationships.

• Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
• Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
• Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
• Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
• Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
• Agape – selfless altruistic love; spiritual

Source: Wikipedia.org

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I’m sure by just scanning the list we all know couples and individuals who fit in each category. How does knowing about this theory help one improve on what they already have or what they want? Well the idea behind the theory is to form a union with someone who has the same love style as yourself so that you have someone who understands why for example, devotion to the church is important or why you enjoy flirting in front of your partner. I personally think that the 6 six love types are a bit extreme based on the short descriptions given above however I wouldn’t discredit this theory.

I took the quiz and found out my love style is “Eros” which is too true. My head stays in the clouds I love all things beautiful and I am extremely passionate about every aspect of a relationship. A Ludus would walk all over me then get cut, a pragma would bore me and a mania would get on my damn nerves.

The downside to being an Eros, well we want everyone to be an Eros and often get hurt. *sigh* Tis the story of my life! I can say with confidence that a fellow Eros is hanging around and I’ve never had to do as little explaining about why I’m so loca, to anyone in my entire life and vice versa. It’s refreshing, but still keeping my eyes and options open in the interim.

Take the Love style quiz here.

Which love style are you?

Is this theory a bunch of BS or is there any truth to it?

Do you prefer one love style over the other?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

I love him and his two kids, but his baby mama is psycho. He constantly struggles with trying to balance his relationship with her so that she’ll let him see his kids, as well as his relationships with his family and his relationship with me including working 2 jobs. He is working himself to the bone and emotionally wearing himself down to the bone, and I feel helpless. I want to help, but I don’t know how.

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I don’t want to involve myself in things with his baby mama because that is between them and I don’t think it’s my business how they raise their kids, or how she chooses to give and take with them to get to him. He gives her way too much in child support, and, yet she has him pay for everything which he won’t say no to so the kids won’t suffer.

He’s a great guy and a great dad, but I just feel bad for him. How can I be supportive without stepping out of line? Again, I’m trying to give him some space to figure his stuff out and so he can learn to balance…not to mention I have my own life and issues so I feel like I should take care of me still. How can I show support and love and not overstep boundaries? Setting Boundaries

Dear Ms. Setting Boundaries,

This is what happens when you date and take on a man who has a baby momma. I tell you women all the time that it wouldn’t be me. A man with a baby momma is only a headache, and life filled with drama and stress. Especially if they don’t have a great relationship, and she doesn’t know her boundaries. No ma’am. Leave those men alone!!! One reason is because they will forever be in each other’s lives, and if she is as psycho as you say she is then there is a guarantee that she will be psycho tomorrow, in the next year, as well as five years from now, hell, even ten years from now. And, she will always treat you as the other woman, and she will always feel as if she has priority with him, his time, his income, and his life because she has his children. So, get used to it.

You will always be the outsider. You’re not the mother of his children. Therefore you have no say. No input. No authority. And, unfortunately, you’ll always be on the sidelines watching as the two of them go at it, and as he struggles to be the good father and man for his children.

And, you’re right about giving him some space to figure this stuff out so that he can learn to balance his life, his children’s well-being, and being in a relationship with you. The only thing you can do is be supportive of him. Do not, and I mean DO NOT get involved with trying to tell him how to handle his baby momma, or get in their business. You said it so poignantly in your second paragraph, “That is between them.” It’s not your concern, your business, or your issue. SO STAY OUT OF IT!

I know you love him and want the best for him, but he is going to have to work this out and do what’s best for himself. Just continue to be supportive with a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a place for him to feel and be loved. But, do not get involved in the affairs between he and his baby momma. Do not give your opinion, judgment, or thoughts about the situation because it will come back to bite you on your ass!! Trust me!

Also, you mentioned you have your own life and issues. Don’t compound what’s going on in his life with yours especially considering you’re only dating. You’re not married. You’re not husband and wife, so therefore do not overstep your role and boundaries. Stay in your lane!!! And, keep in mind that as you’re observing what’s going on from out the outside between he and his baby momma there is always his side, her side, and the truth. So, you’re only getting what’s happening and going on from his perspective. You don’t know what’s going on between them when they are alone. You don’t know how he treated her in their relationship, how it ended, why it “really” ended, and why she may be taking him through the ringer. She has a perspective as well, and you don’t know what it is.

But, if you choose to stay with him and want to be supportive of him then create a space where he can feel and be at peace. I’m sure agitating and instigating the situation by bringing up his baby momma only riles him up. So, if he vents and wants to talk about it, let him, but don’t you respond. Just let him get it out. Take this opportunity to create fun, joyous, and loving memories with him. Do things together where you two can find happiness and peace. Even if it’s just the two of you at home, having dinner, watching television, and laughing together. That is your time. So, make them special. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My name is Aliccia, and I want to follow my dreams of becoming an actress, but my parents think otherwise. I have had this passion ever since I was a kid, and this is really something I want to do. How do I choose between following my dreams and not disappointing my parents? I would really appreciate it! Thanks. – A Dreamer

Dear Ms. A Dreamer,

Girl, in the words of Tamar Braxton – “Get your life!” Honey, you better go and pursue your dreams and live your life. IT’S YOUR LIFE! NO ONE CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE BUT YOU! And, no one can make decisions for how you should live your life but you.

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No one can tell you or advise you about following your dreams because they don’t understand your dream, and it’s not their dream!!! It was giving to you for a reason. It was placed in your heart because God knew you could do it. So, how dare someone tell you what you can and cannot do? Follow your dreams. Do them big, and enjoy the journey.

Honey, let me tell you something, if I would have listened to all the folks who tried to tell me to get a “real” job, because working in the entertainment industry wasn’t a “real” job, then I wouldn’t be here today. All I ever wanted to do was work in the entertainment industry. And, I sacrificed everything to make my dream a reality. Despite listening to friends, and family members when I graduated from college I moved to Los Angeles, and New York to pursue my dreams. And, BA-BY, the gamble paid off. Yes, it was rough, and many times I questioned myself, but I did it. I have worked with Spike Lee, Rob Reiner, Keenan Ivory Wayans and the Wayans family, and a host of other celebrities, as well as for B.E.T. and MTV. And, then I had the nerve to write books, and tour across the country speaking at colleges and universities. I followed my dreams despite of what those folks told me. I followed my dreams and did what I wanted to do because I knew it was something God had given me, and how dare I not be courageous, and fearless when I have God on my side? As the scripture states, God didn’t give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. So, be fearless, bold, and courageous.

And, yes, I understand your parent’s position because they feel and think that pursuing a career as an actress is unstable, especially being in an industry where people try to take advantage of you, and I’m sure they’ve heard all the salacious and scandalous stories about those who struggle trying to pursue a career as an actor. But, honey, that’s any job. There are folks who will try to take advantage of you in any career – Lawyer, doctor, teacher, engineer, or whatever. People are people, and there are just as many scandalous and salacious people in those industries as well. Also, people struggle in those careers as well. They don’t become doctors overnight. They don’t become lawyers overnight, and certainly do not start making money until later in life.

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But, they are your parents and want the best for you. However, you have to let them know that you know what’s best for you. They lived their lives. They did what they wanted to do, and if they love you, and have raised you with morals and values, then they have nothing to fear or worry about.

I say talk with them and devise a plan. Come up with a 2, 3, and 5 year plan. Tell them to let you go and explore your passion, and see what it’s like. Hell, you may not even like it and change your mind. But, at least go and discover the world of acting before giving up on it. And, a 2, 3, or 5 year plan will give you the time to get your footing and establish yourself. Just like any career it takes time to develop who you are, and become a professional in the field. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’ve got to work at it, and keep working at it. Hell, it took me over 5 years just to get myself established in the entertainment business. But, that was my experience. Hell, I have friends and it has taken them longer, but they didn’t give up on their dreams. And, as an author/writer, it took me another 5 years to solidify myself as a bon-a-fide author and writer. But, I invested in it and went back to school. I studied the craft of writing. And, that is what you will have to do. Study your craft. Keep learning and growing so that you can become the best.

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So, let your parents know that you have a dream. Don’t be dream killers or dream stealers. Let you explore what’s burning inside you. Let you explore this passion that you can’t let die. One thing you don’t want to become is an older bitter person who is mad at the world because you didn’t pursue your dreams. There are so many people sitting at their desks right now who are mad and angry because they didn’t take the chance, or they gave up on their dreams because they allowed someone to talk them out of it. Can someone who is not an actor advise you on being an actor, or the craft of acting? Can someone who is not a teacher advise you on being a teacher, or how to be a teacher? No, they cannot. So, follow your dreams, and we look forward to seeing you on the big screen. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

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I remember this friend asking me abruptly, “why do you like him?” See I had spent so much time bitching about what I wanted to see happen that clearly was not happening that I forgot why I decided to mess with the boyfriend in the first place. Why do I like him? I took way too long to answer the damn question I’m sure she was about to call the ambulance, but I ended up replying with, “We have chemistry.”

My double mint bubble gum hair twirling answer caused me to rethink relationships up to that point in my obviously sheltered twenty something years of life. Chemistry, the funny feeling you get all over when you stare into each other’s eyes, the way he makes you laugh, the jokes you crack together, your synchronized routine on the dance floor, the vibration of the warm kisses he gives you, the finishing of sentences- Is that enough from keeping a sister from hangover central at Girl’s Night Out?

As wonderful as chemistry is, the truth is not everyone we have electrifying connection to, we are meant to be in a sustainable relationship with. I strongly believe that there are individuals in our lifetime that can cause a stir, good or bad in our life that may have us think that they MUST be forever yet the chemistry may be the only thing in sync.

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Ask anybody in a long term relationship, they will tell you that although there is an undying spark between them there may also be a set of shared and unshared values, diverse opinions, and the willingness to compromise and sacrifice. If one party feels the need to indulge in Girl’s Night Out while the other is unaware of the issues plaguing the peace then to put chemistry into the mix is irrelevant.

That’s my two cents, HB fam I need you to chime in…

What do you think, is chemistry all you need to sustain a relationship?

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About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com

I have to admit, the idea of a “couple comeback” sounds incredibly romantic. The first time around you might have noticed the few parts about your guy that don’t fit as perfectly as your fingers do when you’re holding hands. That doesn’t always mean that you need to write him off forever. You’ve kept his letters scattered across your room for a reason. Take a few years apart and do your own thing. Dating other guys might just show you how compatible you and Guy #1 were. If you come back in two years and he is no longer careless and you are no longer anxious, you just might be able to get through the problems that were holding you back in the first place.

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Sometimes, however, take-two at a relationship is not even worth it. Based on my own and my friends’ experiences, there are definitely a few “relationship no-no’s” that are not even worth sticking your feet in again. For example, if he was abusive or too aggressive toward you, it’s probably not worth the effort to try again. While people can definitely get through their aggressive behavior, it’s not a good idea to go back to a relationship that scarred you.

You generally know when a relationship is actually said and done. Your intense chemistry with your ex might not fade as quickly as you’d like it to. You still might want to share your details with him rather than the new guy that you’ve been going on some dates with. Use your breakup as time to explore, learn, and grow. If you see a future for some re-romance, go for it- you’ve already experienced a painful breakup and have grown from it. You might just find a great relationship hidden in the break-up and make-up.

What are your thoughts on re-romancing? Is it best to just cut people out and never look back? Or do you think that you should be open to people changing and relationships working out the second time around?

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Dear Gay Best Friend,

I read your posts daily and love the advice you give to others, I’m hoping you can help me with my issue as I really don’t know where else to turn.

Back in July of 2009 I began dating a wonderful guy 6 years older than myself (I was 22, he was 28).  We went through a lot together from that point on, dealing with my terrible roommate issues, me finding a “real job” (I was just out of college), and various family problems on both sides.  He helped me through it all and I really don’t think I could have done it without him; he’s very supportive and understanding and just overall in tune with my feelings; something I have never ever had before in a relationship.

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In May of 2010 we moved in together.  Everything was going really well, but about 3 months later I decided I couldn’t continue on in the relationship. I didn’t think that he could give me what I was searching for in the long-term and allow me to make bigger moves for myself. A bit of back-story, I am white and he is Black. I graduated from a prestigious NC University and he is a HS graduate working as Teacher’s Aide for disabled children. I drive and own my own car; he has neither a license nor car. He also smokes weed, a lot. I’m not saying I don’t either but we’re talking a nearly $80/week habit to the point where he would rather go broke for a week and have weed than save his money. He was also great around the house and everything, but I was the one in charge and basically telling him what to do in terms of money and long-term planning.

I began to feel as if I was his mother more-so than a girlfriend at times when it came to planning out long-term goals and the future. All of these factors caused me to end the relationship under the guise that we both needed to work on ourselves and figure out what we want so we can come back a stronger couple.

Obviously he was devastated (he had put money on a ring, ugh!)  and I have never been more upset about something in my life, still I thought it was something I had to do. I moved out and he moved back into our apartment with a roommate. Since then we have maintained contact. We see each other regularly and still have sex, with the understanding of monogamy.

My problem is that since that day I have not stopped thinking about him or us. I wake up every day thinking about him and go to bed doing the same. I carry around this regret of not being with him every second and I really think it’s slowly killing me. I cry constantly. I’ve gone out with other men, but I’m always comparing them to my ex. I’ve tried to bring up my feelings to him but each time I get super flustered and blubbery (I’ve never been able to control my tears well) and I never feel like I can get my point clearly across (this makes him upset and he always tell me to stop crying but I can’t help it!)

Yet, he always says that he “needs to do things to better himself so we can maybe get back together.” He has not changed a thing mind you. But at this point I don’t care, I just want him back. I’ve come to realize that he fulfilled my emotional needs so much that I can deal with everything else. He was my rock and motivation and now I feel kind of like the walking dead, just going through the motions without any direction because the situation is really consuming me. I really do believe that we are meant to be together but I don’t know what to do! I know I should walk away and try and move on with the hopes that he’ll want me back too but I can’t bear the thought of losing him. Please help me I really have no ideas but I know I can’t continue on in this painful limbo any longer. – Regret Gets Exhausting

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Dear Ms. Regret Gets Exhausting,

SMDH! I bet you understand now what singer Joni Mitchell was singing about, huh? “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

Look, I understand what you’re going through. I mean, what woman wouldn’t have done what you did? Chile, the man smokes weed every day. His habit costs him $80 a week and he’d rather go broke than give up his weed. LMBAO! Honey, he must not be bringing in that much money. He has a high school diploma with no ambition to go to college. And, it appears he had no ambition to do anything else. I mean he is 6 years older than you, and the man doesn’t have a car or driver’s license. And, by my calculations, he is 30 years old. SMDH! Why? WHY, I ASK?

But, what I don’t understand is why you want to get back with him, well, let me digress for a bit. You broke up, but say you two keep in contact, continue having sex, saying you’re monogamous, you moved out and he moved in with a roommate. Uhm, boo boo, NEWS FLASH, you’re still in a relationship with him. Y’all didn’t break up. The only dynamic that has changed is your living situation. Girl, I can’t today! Not with this nonsense. And, you say you’re the one with the degree from a prestigious NC University? You sure it wasn’t one of those “prestigious” universities in the backwoods?

Why, Lawd, why do people do these asinine things in their relationships and then expect a different result? If you moved in with him in May 2010, and you already moved out, and it hasn’t been a year, uhm, sweetie, what am I missing here? You knew what you were getting when you dated him, yet you moved in with him. Oh, yeah, here we go again, You Thought He Would Change! Girl, miss me on that dark North Carolina road you driving on.

Like you said, he hasn’t changed since you two, uhm, broke-up, no, that’s not it. Sleeping together with benefits, no, that’s not it. Chile, whatever the hell you two are doing, the point is the man hasn’t, isn’t, and probably won’t change. He is 30 years old! You are 24 years old! You can meet another man. And, let me say this loudly for you because I know how slow you can be, YOU CAN MEET ANOTHER MAN! Notice the emphasis on MAN!

You said you felt more like his mother than a girlfriend. Yes, you were his mother. He needed you to tell him what to do, how to do, and when to do it. Honey, that gets tiring. But, I want you to look deep down inside yourself and search long and hard, and ask yourself this question, ‘Do you want a man or a boy? Or, do you want a boy with a grown man d**k?’ BAMN! BOOM! POW!

But, check this out. You noticed when you moved out, he moved into your apartment with a roommate. The man cannot obviously live on his own financially. What the hell?!?!? Girl, you get back in that relationship if you want to, but don’t you dare send me another letter talking about, “I loved him and helped him get on his feet, and I co-signed a car for him and he promised to pay the note, but he isn’t I am. And, I helped him get into school, and he’s not taking it serious. He’s still smoking weed all day, and he now I’m pregnant and I don’t think he can care for me and our child financially on his $12 an hour job.”

Look, Ms. Regrets Gets Exhausting, you need to cut all ties from the man. I don’t understand folks who end relationships, yet keep in contact with their ex, and then sleep with them. Uhm, what the “F” are you doing? If it’s over, then it’s over. Move on. Let go. If you keep them around, then you definitely won’t be able to move on. And, this unofficial “relationship” you two have going needs complete closure. And, I mean close your legs, mouth, and every other open orifice he is putting that schlong in. Girl, you need to learn the difference between sprung and what emotional, mental and financially availability is. If he can’t take care of you now, he won’t be able to take care of you six months, six years, or six hours from now. You’ve said during this little hiatus where you two separated that he has not made any effort into getting himself together, even though he has told you that he needs to work on him. Please, please, please get you some self-esteem. I’m sure there is a Wal-Mart in North Carolina, where prices are always low, and you can buy you some. Stop thinking he is the end all and be all. You’ve got a lot going for you. If you don’t recognize your own greatness, power, beauty, and worth, then guess what, no one else will. And, finally, you need to stop smoking that weed because whatever hoodoo, voodoo, or shoodoo he put up in it, it’s got you acting crazee! Honey, I’m done. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would stay in a relationship with a man who you knew could not financially support you, smoked weed every day, and had no ambition?

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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

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Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

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So, I have been seeing this guy casually for about four months. We have only seen each other five times though, as he works as a paramedic, and we live over an hour away from each other.

We got set up by a mutual friend and I know for a fact when we first started talking he was smitten! He would text everyday and he seemed like such a nice guy. Then one night he turned up at my door to surprise me and we had the sweetest evening. I was living with my parents at the time, so he met them, which was a bit nerve-racking, but he handled it really well because he’s chatty and funny.

We didn’t sleep together and he didn’t stay over – he didn’t even try it. We just kissed a lot. Then he goes all distant for a while, which he said was because he was settling into a new job but he was so hot and cold, and we didn’t end up seeing each other for nearly two months! And we had gone from texting everyday to barely once a week (he doesn’t have Facebook). Then I went to Amsterdam on a mini-trip with a friend and I rang him when I got back and he seemed pleased to hear from me. He then offered to come see me that weekend (the last weekend gone). And, he did, and we had fun. We slept with each other and we talked a lot. He texted me when he got home the next day saying he hoped I had a good day at work and that he was going for a nap.

Then I hear nothing from him for two days. Then it was his birthday, so I text him happy birthday and didn’t get a text back till late that night just saying ‘Thanx babe xx.’ And, that was the last time I heard from him, which was now 5 days ago! And I have texted him since. Again, no reply. I rang him today, and nothing. I texted him asking if we are still on for this weekend, and I got nothing!

Does it seem like he was just after one thing and now he has run a mile? I really like this guy and I opened up to him about something I have never told anyone so I am worried I scared him off! Help! I just want to know if I should just end it. I can’t keep making all the effort! – Want To Be With Him

Dear Ms. Want To Be With Him,

You know, there are some women who I just want to slap upside the head and knock some sense into them, and then there are others like you who I just let wander in the abyss of doom and dumbness because no matter what I say or do you will not get it!

Girl, the man is not interested in you! HELLO!!!!

Get a freaking clue, will you! Yes, he’s run a mile. Hell, he’s running a marathon and is on mile 23.

If you’re calling, texting, sending smoke signals, Instagrams, and Facebook status updates and they are not responding, then guess what that means? THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED!

Ugh! I swear if someone gave you a clue and posted it to your forehead you still would be running after this man trying to understand why he is not responding or showing any interest in you. THE MAN DOES NOT WANT YOU!

Stop obsessing and chasing after someone who is not obsessing and chasing after you! A man who is interested in you will pursue you. He will call, spend quality time with you, take you out on dates, send flowers and notes, text you, hell, he will even make time for you even if he has a busy schedule and works fifteen jobs. A man who wants to be with you and thinks you’re worthy will do whatever it takes to make you feel special. He will go to the ends of the earth to shower you with affection, kindness, and love. He’ll have no problem with his time, schedule, and making you a part of it.

The man that you’re running after, uhm, sweetie, you’re starting to look like a stalker, and no man wants a stalker running after him. If you’re that obsessed with someone you’ve only known casually and after four months, well, hell, I’ll hate to see what would have happened if you two actually spent some quality time together, and were actually dating. Girl, you’ll be all over him, smothering him, and trying to monopolize his time. Let the man breathe and give him a chance to run after you, call you incessantly, and text you non-stop. Oh, yeah, he’s already shown you his behaviors and who he is by not responding to you or texting or calling. Therefore, leave him alone!

Move on with you life. If he hasn’t responded by now, then he is not going to respond. He is not interested. He doesn’t want to be bothered. And, he is not the man for you. If you’re chasing and pursuing a man, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your values and self-worth. It’s obvious that you don’t value yourself or your worth. Running after someone is not cute, attractive, or flattering. Stop it! And, instead of investing all this energy and time in him, and why he’s not responding, how about you invest all that time and energy into yourself. Find you a hobby, or some empowering books and culture that will lift you up, inspire you, and enlighten you. Invest all that time and energy into building you up, and filling your spirit. And, when you fulfill yourself, you don’t have to worry or run after a man to fill this empty void that you have. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Best Friend From High School Had A Baby & I Learned About It On Facebook”

“I’m In Love With My Co-Worker, But After He Moved In He Changed”

On The Scene

Start Gallery

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

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Help! I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, and we’ve been married for 2 years. We have 2 beautiful boys, but lately all I’ve been wanting to do is leave him. He wants to go out 6 to 7 days a week and come in at 5 in the morning. It wouldn’t be a problem if he took me along sometimes, but I can’t go at all. When I call to check on him he snaps and is real short with me.

When it comes to our kids he’s a great father indoors, but getting him to come out with us is impossible. It’s even getting to the point that our 5 year old asks why he’s not with us. In the beginning it was all good, like most relationships are, but when we got married he changed. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I tell him how I feel until I’m blue in the face and all he says is, “That’s you making you feel like that.”

We don’t do anything together and when I suggest we do it’s always, “No, I don’t feel like it.” I think he’s seeing someone else because he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never let it go when he’s woke. We used to be intimate almost every day, but now it’s like I have to beg for it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Do I stay for the kids or leave and try to find myself? Please help. – Looking For Myself

Dear Ms. Looking For Myself,

Girl, you’ve been with your husband for 6 years, and he’s acting different and brand new, and you can’t put your finger on it? Hmph! No ma’am! Don’t start doubting your womanly instincts now. PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! And, girl, if you don’t know him and his patterns by now, then I don’t know what to tell you. Men are predictable creatures. They love doing things that are in order, routine, and consistent. Now, look at your man’s recent behaviors and patterns and ask yourself if they have been routine or consistent in all the 6 years you’ve known him. I mean, come on sweetie. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or brain surgeon to add up the bull-ish he’s running on you to figure this out.

Chile, let me pull out my bull-ish calculator. Now, when I add that he is going out 6 to 7 days a week and coming in at 5 in the morning, I get that’s he’s cheating on your ass. I now add that when you call to check on him and he snaps and is real short with you, uhm, that equals that he is still cheating on your ass. Now, let’s add that you said you don’t even know who he is anymore, and when you tell him how you feel he replies, “That’s you making you feel like that,” I get that he is really cheating on your ass. I’m now going to multiply that since you don’t do anything together and when you do suggest something he replies, “No, I don’t feel like it.” Well, according to my bull-ish calculator it’s because he’s tired from being with his other woman that he’s cheating on you with.

Now, I’m going to do the square root of, “He’s cheating on your ass,” with the fact that he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never lets it go when he’s woke, and I get that “He’s a dirty trifling low-down dog with secrets and  he doesn’t want you to discover his indiscretions.” But, wait, let me do the square root of that with the fact that you used to be intimate every day, but now you have to beg for it and I get, “YOUR MAN IS CHEATING ON YOUR ASS AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP THE HELL UP AND STOP BEING SO DAMN NAÏVE AND GULLABLE!”

There is obviously a breakdown in the communication between you and your husband. He’s not respecting you or listening to your requests for time spent with the family. And, you’re not listening to whatever is going on with him. Besides, it’s not just what he is saying to you, but what he’s also doing to you and your children. His actions are speaking loud and very clear. So, perhaps you suggest some marriage counseling, or seek out your pastor for spiritual guidance. There is something going on with your husband and he is not being forthright with whatever it is. And, I hate to say he’s cheating, but a man who is married and leaving the house 6 to 7 nights a week, and not returning until 5 in the morning. Uhm, he’s doing something, or somebody. I wouldn’t tolerate that type of behavior without any explanations.

If you can’t get anywhere with open and honest communication, then you will have to consider some other options, but only after you’ve exhausted and explored all other possibilities. Again, there could be something going on that he’s not expressing, but his behavior is that of a man who has some indiscretions and secrets. Get to the root of his problem, and you’ll get to the issue of your marriage. Now, get to talking with him, and listen to what he’s saying, and pay attention to his actions. If he keeps acting up, then pack his –ish and get to stepping. Why try to make something work with someone who is obviously not interested or invested in being with you and your children? – Straight  From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Man Is On Porn & Dating Websites All Day & It Bothers Me”

7 Things A Man Only Does If He’s Serious About You

My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

In August of 2011, I went to a club with my girlfriends and as the night progressed my eyes locked eyes with this guy across the dance floor. We spoke and exchanged numbers and I also noticed he had a thick accent. So, I asked how long he was in Jamaica for and he said he was leaving the Sunday (it was Wednesday). His friends and my friends spent the rest of our time in the club dancing and enjoying the music.

The following day he invited me to dinner and I learned a little about his background and that he is also Jamaican but he migrated at a young age.  He said he was 40-years old (8 years my senior), single and have no kids and he lives alone. He asked if I could spend the rest of his time in Jamaica with him and I said no because I had previous plans (trip to the country to visit my friend’s grandmother who was not doing so well health wise). On the way home he gave me his contact info for the states (work address and home address and numbers) and he promised to stay in touch.

We communicated every day by phone and bbm until October 2011 when he came out to surprise me at my office. I was so happy because I was beginning to like him and he seemed more mature and conscious in his thinking. We spent a week together and he went home, and my issue now is that he met me single and I haven’t been with anyone since meeting him in August. He had said he is not really the texting type, but he will talk on the phone but sometimes I would text in the morning and he would not answer until later that night. He works in construction and I get that the job can be hectic, and when he gets home he falls asleep, but the conversations have gotten less frequent. He has gone a weekend without saying anything and resurfaced saying he went to a funeral and his phone had no signal on it.

Otherwise from that, he has been there when I needed a listening ear. He calls and asks about my mom. He asked how things are in Jamaica, and he shows concern about me in general, but he just seems so distant. I know long distant relationships are the work of the devil. I don’t know if he will be coming back to Jamaica, but do you think I’m reading too much into his actions? – Island Girl Left Afloat

Dear Ms. Island Girl Left Afloat,

Girl, that man was looking for a fling while he was on vacation. He was not looking for a relationship, a girlfriend, or a wife. He wanted to have a good time, and he saw you as a good time piece of ass. Honey, I hope you know that when folks go out of the country, especially to exotic locales and Caribbean Islands, they are not there for love. They are there for sex, parties, and good times. It’s just like going to Vegas – whatever happens there, stays there. He wanted to get in your pants and have you freak his lights out. LMBAO!

But, let’s explore this. There’s one of two things going on with that man. Either he has a slew of women at his disposal and you are just another girl he’s ready to add to the mix. Or, he’s gay/down low and he’s just not that into you.

Let’s discuss the first option of him having a slew of women. He meets you on the island, asks you to dinner the next night, and after conversation you two are feeling one another and then he asks if you two can spend the rest of his time together. Hmmmm, sounds like a player to me. He’s baiting you and just wants to have some frequent available island p***y when he comes back. Think about it: He told you that he was single and lives alone. That I don’t believe. You can believe that bull-ish all you want, but I don’t. Some woman, or women is occupying his time. And, his delayed response in texting, and not calling, uhm, sweetie, again, someone or something is occupying his time. So, you sit afloat on the seas all you want, but know this, no man who is interested in a woman, and I don’t care where she is, will not respond to her texts and calls, or ignore her. He will find a way, come hell or high water, to get in communication with her.

Now, the second option is him being gay/down low. You do remember *cough* *cough* Jonathon Plummer, the ex-husband of Terry McMillan, who posed as a straight man, then married her and used her to get out of Jamaica . Although the circumstances may be different between the stories because the man you’ve met is off the island and not seeking to have a sponsor, but, something is not right with a man being 40-years old, no kids, single, and living alone in the United States. That just seems odd and peculiar, don’t you think? And, he disappears with no communication with you and you have no idea or clue as to where he is, what he’s doing, and whom he’s doing. You see, you’re so captivated by him that you are not paying attention to what can be so painfully obvious. I’m going to repeat this again: He’s 40-years old, no kids, single, and lives alone. DOESN’T THAT SOUND ODD AND PECULIAR?

Now, again, you can sit afloat on those seas and be all starry-eyed and hopelessly in love with the idea and hope that this man is the one for you. Or, you can start being sensible and pay attention to what he’s showing you in regards to his character. I’ve said this a thousand times and I’ll keep saying it: WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S BEHAVIOR.  He is not that busy that he cannot return a text or phone call. He isn’t the freaking president, or mayor of a major city. He’s not a business tycoon, or a celebrity. He is a construction worker. Girl, stop being naïve and open your eyes and see what’s really going on. He is either playing you and keeping you around with just enough communication so that when he does return to the island he will have some ass waiting on him, or he’s not that interested in you where he finds putting in the time and effort will be worth the long distance calls and travel. WAKE THE HELL UP!!!

And, the reality is that he doesn’t live in Jamaica. And, you’re not moving to the U.S. So, you tell me how this story is going to end? – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Barack, an ambitious student at Harvard Law School, persistently pursued Michelle, who finally relented to a lunch date. According to the novel “Obama: From Promise to Power” Mrs. Obama recalls thinking, “Oh, here you go. Here’s this good-looking, smooth-talking guy. I’ve been down this road before.”

Fortunately, as the two continued their relationship, Michelle learned of Barack’s authenticity, articulation and commitment to others, spurring her to realize that “this guy was special…and that’s why I fell in love with him.” After almost 20 years of marriage and two beautiful daughters, the Obamas’ public display of a strong, and unwavering love is an inspiration to us all.

READ MORE ‘Black History In Love’: Make It Last Forever: Jay-Z And Beyonce

Why She Loves Him:

Although, Michelle may have had slight misgivings in the beginning of their relationship, she soon learned that “he [Barack] was a special person. And it had nothing to do with his education, it had nothing to do with potential,” instead “she fell in love with him for the same reason many other people respect him; his connection with people,” she stated while giving advice to a group of young London girls at Oxford University.  Furthermore, during this talk, the first lady mentioned that she was “struck by the love Obama felt for his little sister and their mother, who died when they were young.”

Further strengthening her love, in 1991, when Michelle’s father passed away, Barack left in the middle of class, and flew to Chicago to provide support during her time of need.

Why He Loves Her:

Throughout his political career, Michelle Obama has proven to be Barack Obama’s personal and professional equal. As a Princeton alumna and fellow Harvard Law graduate, Michelle Obama has garnered both love and respect from her husband. In a 2008 MSNBC article, President Obama referred to “his wife Michelle as ‘the love of my life’ during his election night victory speech, embracing her tightly and kissing her afterward, while millions of people worldwide watched.”

READ: 5 Embarrassing Black Moments We Wished Never Happened

Why They Work:

Ultimately, as an equal partnership and a working couple, Obama has stated, “What I value most about my marriage is that it is separate and apart from a lot of the silliness of Washington, and Michelle is not part of that silliness.” According to a New York Times profile on the Obamas, they have consistently had to combine politics and marriage and seamlessly make them work.

When interviewed about the Obamas, Gil Troy, professor of history at McGill University, stated, “unlike the Clintons — and more like the Bushes — the Obamas appear to be a solid couple, devoted to each other, with no fidelity questions hovering overhead.” Again, this devotion for each other came into play during an interview with Ebony when Michelle was asked about fidelity, declaring “That is between Barack and me,” she said, “and if somebody can come between us, we didn’t have much to begin with.” Maintaining their privacy in the media storm that is their life has been a constant battle, but they do so with grace and confidence.

Why We Love Them:

Where to start! From the images of them gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, to the physical support they provide each other and public displays of affection, we all have fallen in love with the first couple. For Americans, the Obamas provide an image of a powerful and positive black couple in love, which is not often portrayed in the media.

According to Micheal Perry, a librarian at Harlem’s Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, “With such a high percentage of black people unmarried, everyone is looking for images of black love,” and “[The Obamas] personify that. It makes people say, ‘Wow, we want to be like them.’ ”

The Obamas serve as role models for a healthy marriage and the love and affection they share for each other appeal to the romantic in all of us.

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READ MORE ‘Black History In Love’: Make It Last Forever: Jay-Z And Beyonce

Why She Loves Him:

While the couple may have an unconventional relationship, they boast two important factors for a successful match: laughter and compatibility.  According to ETOnline, Bledsoe stated “ I think we are very compatible. I think that is really the heart of it. People ask us what it is. I think a lot of couples find themselves together and find out that they are not really a good match. And laughter is also very important.”

Why He Loves Her:

As former child stars this twosome has seen all sides of the entertainment industry and Bell states that “because our professional lives have been so similar, we understand each other, our needs and what life is like as an actor. That has helped keep us strong. We have so many people who are common in our lives and so many experiences, too.” In this interview with ETOnline, Bell (who will forever be Ron Johnson in our mind) gushed about his long-time girlfriend, explaining that Bledsoe makes him happy.

READ: 5 Embarrassing Black Moments We Wished Never Happened

Why They Work:

Laughter! Plain and simple, the shared joy and happiness keeps their bond strong. Bell once stated n an interview, “I think it is that it is really important that we are able to make each other laugh. Have you noticed that some of the ugliest stand-up comedians have some of the cutest girlfriends. If you can make a woman laugh, you will find your way into her heart.”

While they aren’t rushing into marriage any time soon, the couple does believe in matrimony. Bell explained to ETOnline, “I believe in the institution, too. I always say you never know what is going to happen 20 minutes from now, but, at the moment, we are happy and we have been happy, so we will see what the future brings.”

Why We Love Them:

Between Bledsoe’s take charge attitude and success, she’s currently the host for Clean House, and Bell’s comedic sensibility, this couple continues to thrive. While marriage may possibly be looming in the future, for these two their motto has always been, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Happiness and laughter clearly play a major role in their success and they share a harmonious relationship!

I read your responses to the various letters weekly and love the advice you give, but now I have a question for you.

I am in a situation where the love of my life is not of my religious faith but has no problems with my choice in religion. However, my religion teaches that being with someone outside of the religion is wrong and considered an “uneven” union. We love each other, but there is a strong chance that I will lose my family if I should choose to marry him and start a family. So, in short, which is stronger, the bond between a man and wife, or seeking alleged favor from God? – Religion Or My Man

Dear Ms. Religion Or My Man,

Honey, honey, honey, please! This shouldn’t even be a thought, conversation, or consideration of what to do. Always, always, always choose God. I don’t care what, who, when, why, or where but when it comes to choosing between faith and a man, God should always be your first choice, life, and purpose.

I also believe, like your religion, that an uneven union will always fall. There are many factors to consider especially when it comes to various practices and prayers. Do you honor certain holidays and religious figures? Do you pray to an altar or shrine? Do you have a priest, bishop, or pastor? Many religions do not acknowledge certain foods, or medical attention. And, how will you raise a child if you decide to start a family? Will the child be from your religious faith or your husband’s? These are some of the things you have to take into consideration.

Also, this is the problem many persons face when they don’t consider the ramifications of dating and marrying someone of a different religion. And, in your case, you’ve stated that there is a chance that you may lose your family. Is family important to you? Does it matter what they think and feel about his religious upbringing? And, is he asking you to change your faith to become part of his religion? Or, is he willing to conform to yours?

Look, if you put God first you will get and have the answer you need. But, you’ve got to allow God to be number one in your life. God is not an option and nor should God be secondary to anything or anyone. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Love My Man, But In The Bedroom He’s Not Fulfilling My Desires”

“I’m Pregnant But I’ve Learned My Man Has A Fiance & A 6-Month Old Baby”

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I am a 26-year old female who is about to give birth to my very first child. Although my child is a blessing the circumstances in which she will be born are a nightmare for me.

I planned a child with a man who is now nowhere to be found after being together for three years and thinking I knew him. Not to mention the fiancé and 6-month old child I found out about right before his disappearance. To make matters worse, it has been brought to my attention that I’m not the only female he’s done this to. OMG! I thought I knew this guy well enough to want a family and a life with him, and then all this comes pouring down on me.

I have a good idea he’ll be back, but then what? What comes after all that, seeing as how a child is involved, not to mention the deep emotional attachment I’ve built over the three years I’d known him? Is there an explanation or excuse that can possibly be acceptable at this point? DAMMIT I’M HURT, but part of me wants it to work? Holding Out Hope

Dear Ms. Holding Out Hope,

Uhm, well damn! You’re caught up in a trick bag, and your man left you holding the bag. It’s not time to open the bag and pull out the tricks and use them on him.

If he decides to come back then you make sure everything is in order for his return:

1.)    Hand him the papers of the court ordered child support payments. That’ll knock some reality into his ass and let him know that this is not a game.

2.)    Gather the other women he’s done this to, and you all have a welcome back party for him. Have him meet you at a private disclosed location, and when he walks in all of you yell, “Surprise!” Lock the door behind his ass, and let the games begin.

You want an explanation or excuse as to why this can possibly be acceptable at this point? Honey, there is none. He is trifling, no good, and a dirty dog. He’s treated you, and other women, as if you were incidental people in his life. He played with your emotions and feelings and then got you pregnant leaving you with the hopes of starting a family and having a life with him. Well, guess what boo boo, you have both, but it won’t be under the circumstances that you want it. You’ll forever be in each other’s lives, and you’ll be a family, but a very strained family.

And, I know it hurts, but you’ve got to move on. The man doesn’t want you, or to be a family with you. He has a fiancé, a 6-month old child, and is not even thinking about you. The man was having another relationship while he was with you. And, he asked the other woman to marry him, which means that you were the side hoe. OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES AND SEE WHAT IS REAL AND NOT WHAT YOU HOPE THEM TO BE. So, this part of you that is hoping things will work out, girl, it won’t. He lied, manipulated, and deceived you. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Why would you want to ever let that person back into your life? If he did it once, trust, he’ll do it again.

You have your child to focus on and be concerned about. Your child’s well-being, and livelihood is what you should be getting prepared for. And, I would make sure that your ex is hit hard in the wallet to remind him that you can’t play with folks, help create a life, and think you can just walk away. No ma’am. As a matter of fact, if he returns and tries to get back up in your bed and between your legs, I would play the S&M game with him. Tie his ass to the bed, and then go in the kitchen and boil some water and you know what’s next! That’ll teach his ass a lesson.

Gather your self-esteem and your self-worth and move on with your life. It’s time to give your love and energy to your child. This was a lesson learned. It’s a hard lesson, but take what you can from it, and be vigilante in your next relationship so that this won’t happen again. You’re too smart, beautiful, and intelligent to allow this man to have damaged you and destroyed you. WAKE UP AND GET YOUR LIFE! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

How Can I Be Supportive Of My Man Despite His Pyscho Baby Momma?”

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

In spite of the gossip and rumors of separation, Oprah and Stedman have continued to blossom in their love and support of one another. In 2010 during an interview with Jenny McCarthy, Oprah rebuffed these claims stating, “We’ve never broken up once. They’re always lies,” said Oprah, adding, “I do regret ever mentioning him” in the press.

READ MORE ‘Black History In Love’: Make It Last Forever: Jay-Z And Beyonce

In the past few years, Oprah has opened up about her personal life, demonstrating that long-term couples can find happiness living non-traditional lives, without marriage and children.

Why She Loves Him: In her 2010 interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah stated of Stedman, “I don’t know of another man on this planet who could have lived this life with such dignity, such grace and such respect and humility in it and still hold his own and be his own.”  Despite Oprah’s significant fame, Stedman has maintained his own identity and remained by her side through it all.

During her appearance on the Piers Morgan Show, Oprah candidly discussed a family member selling her out to the tabloids for $20,000. In response to Stedman’s support at that traumatic time in her life, she said, “here is someone who is willing to stand in and stand up for you. And that is love.”

Why He Loves Her: Though the two rarely make public appearances together, Stedman surprised the audience by walking out on stage and paying tribute to Oprah during Part 2 of the ‘Surprise Oprah! A Farewell Spectacular.’ “It really does amaze me that I get to be around a woman who changes peoples’ lives every day and who also takes her own lunch to work,” Stedman said. “I cannot, honey, believe that a colored girl from the backwoods of Mississippi has done all that you have done … But you know what really is amazing? You have done this, sweetheart, through all of the sacrifices you have made and the humility that you have and through God’s amazing grace. I love you for making a difference in my life.”

READ: 5 Embarrassing Black Moments We Wished Never Happened

Why They Work: Again during her Piers Morgan appearance, Oprah said it best “the reason why this relationship has worked as well as it has is that we each got to define ourselves in it and not in a traditional form.”  In the early 2000s, Oprah and Stedman made a conscious effort to pull back on their public appearances together, stating that “every time we showed up in public… there’d be another exploitative story.” Maintaining their privacy and the integrity of their relationship has definitely been the keystone to their success as a couple.

Why We Love Them: Oprah and Stedman have battled it out with the media for the past 26 years, choosing to live outside of society’s norms and embracing their own definition of happiness.  Oprah once said about her relationship, “the truth of the matter is, had we gotten married we wouldn’t be together now, because in no way is this a traditional relationship.” Thus proving that happiness doesn’t have to be defined by a ring or a label.

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I need help with one of my best friends who introduced me to your site.

He is a good friend and my daughter’s godfather. He just doesn’t make the best decisions, especially when it comes to women. We attended college together and worked together for three years, and about six months ago he told me he was leaving and moving to Atlanta with a female friend.

I was happy for him, but at the same time a little concern. See, he is the type of guy that is woman crazy. He falls head over heels for women even if they show no interest in wanting him. The first of the year I get a call from one of our other friends and he began telling me about our mutual friend. Since he has been in Atlanta we talk about every month and he makes it seems that everything is all good and he loves it. He called our friend, however, to borrow money and he told him what was going on and told him the truth about his living conditions.

He takes care of her three kids, his godchildren, baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning, and giving her something on rent every month. But, come to find out he is sleeping on the floor of her three-bedroom apartment. She has an empty room for her two-year old, but since the child sleeps with her, she won’t let my friend have it. Then, she has a young twenty-two year old boyfriend, who is close to moving in also. While my friend is handling chores like a stay-at-home husband, she’s in her room getting the ‘D’ from a younger guy.

I talked to him last week, and he didn’t sound like himself. His tune was of someone defeated and unhappy, not his usual happy joking personality. I tried talking to him, but I think everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He is continuing putting up that front like everything is all right. His voice tells of something different. I know he continues reading your site and I feel hearing advice from you might make him snap into his right mind and get out of that situation before it turns on him. I also have to mention that the job he had covered his medical insurance, and now he has no insurance and has health problems.

His female friend keeps nagging him about getting a better job and giving her more money, while she is living above her means. I feel her new guy will soon want him out of the picture and he’s going to be stuck homeless trying to move back home. I think it is hurting his pride that he doesn’t have a job, and moving back will make him look like a failure. I am close to giving up on him because honestly he is too old to be living like this. We are both in our thirties, I am 31 years old, and married with kids and he is close to 36 years old with no kid. What should I do, let him keep on this path until he hits a brick wall, or help him save himself the pain and misery and admit defeat. – Help my friend out before he is homeless and naked on a corner!

Dear Ms. Help My Friend,

Chile, I say let his dumb ass find out the hard way. I’m all for helping folks, and helping friends, and extending a hand to them, but if they don’t want to listen and they are stubborn or have too much damn pride to admit when –ish ain’t working out, then, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit the brick wall and hit rock bottom so they can see the situation for themselves.

It’s truly sad when a grown ass man who appears to have it all together, smart, educated, and a good head on his shoulders, but is too p****y hungry to know the difference between being used and being taken advantage of. He’s a clown and needs to have his ass clowned!

And, for the record, who the hell moves to another state with someone they barely know, sleeps on the floor, does the household chores like a live-in nanny and maid, and watches as some young tender bangs his girl? Oh, my bad, your friend!

Chile, I am truly thankful for my friends! Thank the Lord! We have a policy with each other that no matter what we will always be brutally honest with each other. We tell each other when we are doing asinine stupid ass –ish. We tell each other the TRUTH, regardless if we want to hear it or not, we don’t bite our tongues, and we don’t hold back. What good is it to have friends who co-sign your bull-ish and watch you go through something and then talk about you behind your back? No ma’am! Not me!

Honey, you’ve done all you can do. You’ve spoken with him, gave him a listening ear, and reached out and have been a friend to him. He is the one that is not opening up and being honest with you about his situation. You are getting the information secondhand. Unfortunately, and until he is ready, he is going to have to wake up and see what’s really real and say to himself, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I, a 36 year old grown ass man sitting up in this woman’s APARTMENT, not house, and sleeping on the floor, giving her money for rent, doing all the chores, baby-sitting, and some other dude is banging her back out? What am I trying to prove? Why is my ego so damn big and I’m too proud to admit that this –ish isn’t working, and I need help?” But, your friend won’t and can’t do that. And, it’s because of his ego and pride.

So, let his ego and pride put him out on the streets. Let his ego and pride ignore his health and realize he has no medical insurance. As a matter of fact, ask him if he can have sex with his ego and pride and if they can fulfill his longing desire to be with someone, feel love, and be wanted?

Your friend is searching for something that you cannot provide him with. He is looking for love. He is looking for someone to want him, desire him, and need him. And, he will put himself in this precarious and F’d up situations because he is driven by his emotions which are clouding his mental capabilities. So, let him learn his lesson, and hopefully he will stop being so damn egotistical, and hard-headed and count his losses. And, let him know you’re still there for him, and will have his back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Know My Man Loves Me, But His Ex Refuses To Get Out Of The Picture”

“I Gave Him The Ultimatum Of “Now or Never” For Marriage & He Said “Never”

Your articles have me in tear laughing. I’m a fan! LOL

Anywho, I have been dating my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and we recently told each other that we’re in love. He is so sweet to me, has bomb ass sex, and treats me like a queen. My birthday was recently and he gave me so many gifts and surprised me with a dinner and all our friends were there. I cried because nobody has ever treated me like him.

So, he is really not my issue. My issue is with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for 3 years. They had an on and off relationship and she cheated on him when he was away so he broke it off. I know he really loved and cared about her a lot because he kept giving her chances after she did him wrong. He says that he no longer loves her and wants nothing to do with her, but on his birthday she hit him up with this looong email saying how everyone in her family says happy birthday and that they love him (she also went on to make a few old jokes that they shared in common) and then to top it off she ended it with an, “I will always love you.”

He told me about this message, but it was only after I suspected she had contacted him because he made an indirect tweet about it and I figured it out. So, when he told me about the message I was a bit upset and asked him why he didn’t tell me. We finally came to an agreement that we would tell each other when an ex hits us up.

Now, my other issue is that she still contacts his mother and calls her “momma” and tells her she loves her. I can’t seem to get over this in my heart. I also found an old video of them together which also made me feel some kind of way. (I know I sound jealous) I love my man and want to stay with him, but I have a great feeling that his ex is not over him and will soon want him back if she already doesn’t. I don’t want his ex to become a problem, I want her to be a NON-FACTOR from here on out. Please give me your advice. -The New Girlfriend

Dear Ms. New Girlfriend,

Uhm, sweetie, she is a NON-MOFO’ing FACTOR! Why are you stressing over her? If he is not engaging her, leading her on, and reaching out and contacting her, then you don’t have anything to worry about. Let that bum ass wretched rat continue to scurry around sniffing for crumbs.

The man loves you! Don’t you get that! He went all out on your birthday. He gave you lots of gifts and surprised you with a dinner with all of your friends present. He demonstrated his love and emotions for you in front of everyone. The man loves YOU!

So what if his ex-girlfriend is sending loooong ass emails and trying to reconnect with him. That’s what a jilted and hurt ex will do when they know they’ve lost something really good. She wants him back because she realizes that she F’d up! She is the jackass that stepped out on him and treated him badly. She is the donkey that let a good man go, and in the words of Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”  And, now she’s reflecting over what she’s lost.

This is what I don’t understand. You have a good man. He loves you. Treats you like a queen. Does everything under the sun for you, and tells you he loves you, then why are you focusing on what his ex-girlfriend is doing? Why are you worried about her? If he is loving you, spending time with you, and giving you all his time and energy, then she shouldn’t even be a matter of consideration or thought. She is

If I were you I wouldn’t give her any energy, time, or space to rent in your head. You keep focusing on her then you will lose your man. You will begin to start making up things, and situations, and occurrences that don’t even exist. You’ll be imagining circumstances because your head will be playing games with you. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! Focus your energy and love on your man. Let him love you, treat you like the queen you are, and adorn you with lots of joy, happiness, and joy.

And, if Ms. Thing gets out of pocket and wants to show up and start requesting time with him, or calling your phone harassing you, then it’ll be time to get Jilly from Philly on her ass and let her know, “You’re getting in the way of what I’m feeling!” Let her know that she is old news, the old witch that had her chance and F’d it up. And, you’re being a woman and letting her know to watch herself and the boundaries of your relationship. If she continues to ignore you and your relationship, and doesn’t show you any respect, then you’re going to have to snatch Ms. Thang by her weave and whoop that ass. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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People deal with breakups differently: you can hold tears back all day and splurge on a carton of ice cream at night or use that energy to go out and find another.  Does it make you a bad person if you skip the sadness stage and go right onto taking on rebounds?

I have heard both sides of this situation, and both sound pretty compelling.  On the one hand, it’s important to take some alone time and let yourself cry it out before letting your emotions go wild again.  On the other hand, you shouldn’t turn down possibly good opportunities because of something in the past.  It really comes down to whether or not breaking up is a drawn out process or if it’s just something that happens and should be dealt with quickly.

Family Dinner Night – Peruvian-Style – at Pio Pio

I’ve asked for opinions from both types of people, and these were their responses:

From the musical chairs lover- finding a new love as soon as the song stops:

“I don’t like being single.  Even if I’m not actively dating someone or seeing them everyday I need someone to say good morning or goodnight to or else I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong: I get really sad after break ups.  In fact, I put my all into relationships because I appreciate the connection so much.  But rather than force myself to go through complete misery after, I keep the sadness to a minimum and keep myself busy.  Interestingly, keeping myself busy generally means meeting lots of new people.  I by no means rebound crazy hard after break ups, but I find that meeting new people is what keeps me from feeling the most depressed.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get out there again: life’s about living.”

From the memory keeper- find life after love in yourself:

“After a break up I prepare myself to go into hibernation. Everything makes me sad and I’m not afraid to hide it.  I would rather get completely over one relationship than risk ruining another because of carried over feelings.  I always try to get myself to hang with my girls more but I find that I’m the most comfortable when I’m on my own just dealing with the problem rather than hiding from it.  I’ve heard that it usually takes about half of the time you were together to get over the person.  I’ve had it take less or more time depending on the relationship. I really think it’s all relative to the person but whoever says they are ready to start dating other people immediately is definitely lying and ruining future relationships.”

What do you think? Is there a middle ground? How do you get over break ups?

Going Abroad: Experiencing Men NOT Made In America

Let’s Text About Sex, Baby

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Check out the 18 ways to make your man feel special just in time for Valentines Day here!

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8 Heart-Inspired Jewelry Items For Valentine’s Day

Six Signs You May Be Forcing a Relationship

I met this guy “Robert” at a bar on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and planned to hang out the next day because I was headed off to another place to meet up with friends. However (and probably unfortunately) I ended up seeing him after the bars closed as I was walking my friend home. His friend and him ended up walking us to her place and both of them caught a cab home to my place. We ended up drinking some more and just talking and eventually his friend left. The next morning after a night of cuddling and making out we had sex. We woke up, talked for awhile, and then eventually I drove him home. When he got out of the car he said he would call me later and kissed me goodbye (on the lips mind you). Yet all day he never called.

I know the three day rule but honestly think it is ridiculous so I text him on Sunday. We kept the conversation light and he replied to my texts (which he could have blown me off). But now it is been a couple of days and nothing. I kind of like him and would really like to see him again to get to know him better. Hopefully hang out with out having sex. Do you think it is a loss cause or should I just be more patient? I know it was probably a mistake sleeping with him so fast but do you think I can get things back on track? Should I make the second move and invite him to hang out? – Impulsively Searching For Love

“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby’s Momma”

Dear Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love,

Sigh! When will you ladies learn: Sex for a man does not equate love or instant feelings of like. It’s just sex. It’s a physical act of lust and desire, and on many occasions a need to release.

You said you kind of like him. Well, could you please tell me what do you like about him, ma’am? Yeah, just as I figured. You don’t know him. You had sex with him after a night of drinking. You both were mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired. How can you make a sound judgment under the influence of alcohol? Please explain that to me.

Girl, you had drunk sex and now you think you’ve met the one. SMDH! Silly ass rabbit, tricks are for kids. Ole trick ass.

Your signature is befitting of you: Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love. Stop searching for love by opening your legs to random dudes you meet at a bar. How about you start opening your mind and feeding and nurturing your spirit.

Girl, I’m still LMBAO because you truly believe and feel that just because he kissed you on the lips after you drove him home the next morning that it was a sign that he really liked you and wanted to get to know you better. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop baby Jesus. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

What do I do when I like someone but they are in the middle of a divorce? – Liking A Married Man

Dear Ms. Liking A Married Man,

Uhm, how about you leave them alone and wait until the divorce is over.

He is still married. I don’t care if he’s separated, and they are going through a divorce. What part of they are still married do you not understand?  Ole thirsty ass chick.

Please, slowly remove your rouge painted lips from under his nut sac and stop sipping his juices.

Let him go through his divorce before you start any type of relationship with this man. And, please note: Although he may be divorcing his wife, he is not ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So, any hopes of you being the next Mrs., please get that out of your head. You will be the jump-off, and bed buddy. You know, the in-between time chick until he finds another woman he wants to settle down with and make his wife.

So, pump your brakes. Get you some business, and preferably a man that is not tied to some other woman. Yeah, that’s a thought. How about you find a man who is single, eligible, and available. Why do you want to be with someone who already has somebody? Because as the saying goes, “How you find him, is how you will lose him.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“My Boyfriend Infected Me With HIV & He Stole My Money For My Meds”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met a guy on face book and I cuddled a little with him at the first date. He didn’t even ask me to become his girlfriend or anything. We met again two days later. We cuddled a lot again. After that, I called him a couple of times. He answered me, but he won’t call me himself. He pretends that he’s busy so he doesn’t have time to see me. But, I really like this guy and I don’t wanna let go of him. I wanna know if there is something I could do about it to make it work? – Liking My Facebook Friend

Dear Ms. Liking My Facebook Friend,

Girl, are you serious right now? SMDH! Chile, here we go with these Facebook romances.

Uhm, sweetie if you cuddled with him on the first date after meeting him over the computer, he’s not going to take you serious or even consider dating you. There’s a word for women like you, and I’m trying to refrain from calling you a hoe, so let’s just say that you’re easy. How about that? LOL!

If you can hop your fast ass in the bed with a man you don’t know, and from off the computer, then why are you expecting him to return your calls after you’ve shown him the goodies and you let him get a sample of your treats?

The doors of the, All Women’s Academy For Simplemindedness And Dumb Women Who Do Dumb –Ish, are open. And, darling, I’m going to need you to step to the front of the line.

You women are going to learn about meeting random men on the computer and taking your hot between the legs asses over to their houses. Your ass is going to come up missing. Ole Jeffrey Dahmer cannibal eating your brains for dinner.

Look, girl, he’s not interested in you. He’s not thinking about you. He only has sex on the brain. He just wanted to smash and use you like he’s done other random women he’s met off Facebook. It’s a game for him, and like most men. It’s called, “How many chicks can I slay on the first night and add to my little black book of easy lays so the next time I’m horny I can hit them up and smash again.” And, you my dear, have become a statistic to the game. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I’m kind of hoping you can and will help me out. I’m a 23 year- old virgin and have been single for 8 years. I consider myself to be attractive and I have my life together while always trying to improve myself. Everyone always assumes I have boyfriend but alas, I don’t. I’ve gone on a few dates in those 8 years but nothing has ever come from them. One date consisted of me and the guy going to a Chinese restaurant ending in him trying to guess my breast size and challenging me to an arm wrestling competition. Then he acted like he didn’t know why he was still single…yeah, I stopped seeing him post haste.

Then there’s a guy who’s a musician that comes around every blue moon who’s spontaneous and exciting but I can’t take him seriously. He says he’s attracted to me and wants to pursue things but he’s never in the same city because he’s constantly on tour. Also, if he does text me I’ll respond and he won’t say anything else. He’ll say something like, “Good morning beautiful,” and I’ll say, “Hey ________,” and I won’t hear anything else which frustrates the hell out of me. These instances are sporadic and months or even years apart. He’s a little odd.

Recently, I met a guy at work and we went out a couple of times but the last time we were on a date there weren’t any sparks at all and he never clearly defined his intentions. He wasn’t the least bit direct like I’m used to and left me completely confused. Also, I’m not sure if he remembers my name cause I’ve never heard him say it or seen him text it. I expect a guy to take the initiative and I think it just boiled down to there not being enough chemistry so I haven’t seen or communicated with him since that date. It’s disappointing because I don’t meet a lot of guys who I’m attracted to and who are single and interested in me at the same time.

I guess my question is, what am I doing wrong here, or is there something I need to do differently? I’m not the most social person, but I do go to different places just to keep from going to work then back home. I’m active in my church and even though I’m not much of a club person I’ll go once in a while just to have a change of scenery or just to have fun. The usual demographic for guys that hit on me are men who are 20+ years older than me, or guys my age who ain’t about -ish. I’d rather have someone no more than 3-4 years older than me. Maybe I’m not direct enough because I’m a little shy, but I feel like a man should pursue a woman. Besides, the last time I pursued a man it ended up in the Chinese restaurant incident. I’m not in any rush to lose my virginity by the way. I just want to meet someone that challenges me and who I can really vibe with. Where is he?? (Age old question) Any suggestion would be helpful. – Over Being Single

Dear Ms. Over Being Single,

Girl, I feel you. The pickings are slim, and the men who do approach you make you shake your head. It’s almost like, “Where do these men come from and who trained them to be men in the first place?” Honey, I tell you, these men today are a piece of work. They want women to be their mother’s, girlfriend’s, wives, sex partners, mistresses, maids, cooks, bankers, and teachers all rolled up in one. Yet, they are not brining anything to the table but a lot of empty promises, broken dreams, and a penis that half of them don’t know how to work or use!

If you’re going to talk a good game at least back it up and lay some good pipe. Make me feign for it, yearn for it, and desire it. Don’t think you’re laying it down after a few humps and grunts, and then you roll over and want some food or some money. Get the freak out of here!!!

But, I digress. I did find humor in your letter and I’ve come up with some great adjectives for the men you’ve been out with, as well as most women who are looking for Mr. Right. These are the types of guys I’ve surmised you’ve encountered: The guy from the Chinese restaurant wanted “instant” p***y.  Chile, these men think that by taking you to a restaurant (Not even a 5-star restaurant at that), or a movie, or, hell, even to Starbuck’s for coffee, and they’ve shelled out a little over fifty bucks and they deserve something in return. Uhm, no, boo boo! In the words of Lil Kim, “You want a cheap trick, you better go down to Freak-Nic.” There will be no freaking, cuddling, coddling, touching, caressing, or sniffing of anything. We need to have several dates. I need to know where you work, where you live, your momma’s name, your daddy’s name, your sexual history, ex-girlfriend’s lurking in the background, any baby momma’s, and other pertinent information that may warrant a background check before we jump in the bed.

Then, there is the musician you went out with. Uhm, sweetie, he is not odd. He wants “reserved” p***y. He’s the type of man that probably has several different women he’s communicating with, and he’ll tell you anything you want to hear. He has a stable of women on reserve just in case one of his women gets out of pocket, or ends their torrid love affair. When one leaves, he’ll call you up saying, “I’m so sorry about my behavior. I’ve been working really hard and focusing on my career. And, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. You’re the type of woman that I feel I can settle down and be with. You’re smart, intelligent, and I want to know more about you. I want to make it up to you. I hope you can forgive me, and how I’ve been treating you. Perhaps we can get together for dinner tonight, and see where this takes us.” Yeah, men, do this type of stuff all the time. He’s only communicating with you to make sure that you’re still there, and when –ish hits the fan, trust and believe he’ll be calling you more frequently.

Awww, and then there’s the guy from work who wasn’t aggressive. He’s the, “I’m not interested, but if offered” p***y type of guy. These men won’t tell you that they’re not interested and will just stop communicating, however, if you keep pursuing them, or if you keep the lines of communication open they won’t turn down getting in your pants if you offer it to them. They often times figure that their lack of communication or pursuit of you makes you more intrigued with them, or perhaps as a sign of disinterest. However, because most women won’t leave it alone, or walk away from a man who disses them or fails to communicate, they figure he may be shy, or something is off and they pursue him trying to find closure, and instead of closing their legs they open them to see if, perhaps, he may be a better lover than boyfriend. LMBAO!!! Stop it, ladies. Just walk away and leave him alone.

Here’s what I suggest, you’re young, and you have your life ahead of you. And, I’m certain your hormones are raging and you want to be in the presence of some male testosterone that stirs up your loins and makes you at least get a little wet. If you have a church home, see if your church has a singles ministry, or a men’s ministry. I’m certain there are plenty of young men who are desiring the same things as you, but you’re just overlooking them and not seeing what may be directly in front of you. Check out the scene and do a few meetings with the Single’s Ministry and see what potential lies there. Hell, I’ll even say join the choir or usher board. These positions will place you directly in front of the church congregation. It gives you a stage to see all the possible single and available men who come to your church, as well as for them to see you. You better use those eyes as binoculars and scope out these men! Don’t be shy. Become a “man watcher.”

And, do you live in a college town like Charlotte, Atlanta, Durham, and other places where there are a plethora of college bound men who may have recently graduated from college, or are pursuing a master’s or doctorate degree? Honey, there are some smart and intelligent brothers right in your backyard. Get out there and see who’s in the yard. What about visiting sports bars, museums, and perhaps taking up a dance class. There’s also travel clubs where members travel out of the country and visit various new cultures and lifestyles. Many single people are members of these travel clubs.

You’ve got to put yourself out there. Be interactive, social, and engaging. Men love meeting women who are friendly and have a smile on their face. Don’t be out in the club, or some event with a scowl on your face. If you’re angry, and your disposition is unapproachable then perhaps you should keep your ass at home watching The Bachelor or Love And Hip Hop and updating your Facebook status with commentary on their miserable love lives. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

Why Do Black Women Have a Better Body Image?

Before I go off on a “this should be in my future best-seller” tangent, I’ll stop.

HelloBeautiful Gets Candid About Love, Life, Sex & Relationships With “SHANDA SAYS!”

The other day I went searching the internet for exciting info to share with the family and I came across a theory by psychologist John Lee called “Love Styles” or “The Colors of Love”. The theory identifies 6 distinct love styles that individuals practice in their romantic relationships.

• Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
• Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
• Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
• Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
• Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
• Agape – selfless altruistic love; spiritual

Source: Wikipedia.org

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I’m sure by just scanning the list we all know couples and individuals who fit in each category. How does knowing about this theory help one improve on what they already have or what they want? Well the idea behind the theory is to form a union with someone who has the same love style as yourself so that you have someone who understands why for example, devotion to the church is important or why you enjoy flirting in front of your partner. I personally think that the 6 six love types are a bit extreme based on the short descriptions given above however I wouldn’t discredit this theory.

I took the quiz and found out my love style is “Eros” which is too true. My head stays in the clouds I love all things beautiful and I am extremely passionate about every aspect of a relationship. A Ludus would walk all over me then get cut, a pragma would bore me and a mania would get on my damn nerves.

The downside to being an Eros, well we want everyone to be an Eros and often get hurt. *sigh* Tis the story of my life! I can say with confidence that a fellow Eros is hanging around and I’ve never had to do as little explaining about why I’m so loca, to anyone in my entire life and vice versa. It’s refreshing, but still keeping my eyes and options open in the interim.

Take the Love style quiz here.

Which love style are you?

Is this theory a bunch of BS or is there any truth to it?

Do you prefer one love style over the other?

About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

This was me two years ago. I was infuriated and on the cusp of popping back with something unbelievably disrespectful, but thankfully I kept my thoughts to myself.  For one, I knew she might have a point. And two, even though I could probably argue she too had gained a pound or ten, I had been raised with all kinds of home training, and saying anything about her weight would have been out of the question.

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The truth is—I was hurt. Hurt because like so many of us, I still want to impress my family. After all these years, they’re approval still matters most.

Why is that? Why is it so important that we still have their approval?

I’ve concocted two theories, neither of which are grounded in empirical studies, though I’m sure I could uncover some supporting data. Nonetheless – here they are. For one, I think we want to affirm our parents parental efforts. They worked hard as parents and sacrificed on countless occasions. The least we can do is to come home as shinning examples of their (literal) blood, sweat, and tears. We want our parents to know that they didn’t fail. The numerous weekends they spent at our soccer games, dance recitals, or the carpools to after-school programs paid off.  “Look Mama —I made it, and so did you!”

Secondly, in some weird way, perhaps we will always want their affirmation. We were raised wanting to please them, so why should that suddenly change with age? With the same enthusiasm we had running into the kitchen to announce we had made the honor roll, we’ll want to return home for Thanksgiving with an attractive mate, flat stomach and impressive job. Their continued affirmation lets us know we’re on the right path. And after all, couldn’t we all still use some guidance? When it comes down to it, some of us are still the fifth graders who want to hear our family say, “We’re so proud of you!”

We will always need our family’s support. We need them to encourage our healthy eating habits, or to question the latest guy we’re dating.  As many of us begin to start our own families, let’s hope we too can set examples that are worth our children’s life long admiration.

Jovian Zayne is a writer, photographer and occasional radio co-host in New York City.  Read more from Jovian on her personal blog Word Up Haay! Join her on twitter via @jovizi for laughs, encouragement and your daily dose of quick wit.
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I have a pastor question, too. I liked your answers. So, I thought, ok, I will try.

I dated a Pastor, Bishop, Doctor, hell, he is all. I met him online, and fell hard for him. He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Boston. We met after one year of talking on the phones, internet, etc.

Well, come to find out, it was all a big joke and trick. He was either married or engaged. And after I did some research, I learned this is what he does. He gets nasty with woman online, and then goes home and be kind and sweet to his wife. They have children. He has a church, doctor’s office, etc. And, he calls himself the man that walks with God. But, he is not godly

Do I let him go on and get caught? Or, do I warn people? He calls himself a Bishop, a Doctor, Businessman. But I know better. Do I let him ruin others? Or try and stop him. – Almost The Pastor’s Mistress

“I’ve Learned He’s Been Seeing Another Woman For 3 Years & Has A Child With Her”

Dear Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Mistress,

Put his ass on blast. What are you waiting for? I would head over to Kinkos and get a blown up foam poster board with all the text and explicit email conversations printed on it. I would then head to his church and place it in the lobby of the sanctuary. I’d then sit perched in the front row. I’d wait for him to do the altar call and march right up to him, and tell him to lay his hands on me like he said he wanted to do over the phone and in the text messages.

I would also gather the other women he’s been communicating with, and all of you should march defiantly in a single file line inside the church. You all should be dressed in all black – black dresses, big black hats, long black gloves, and the big Jackie O sunglasses. Sit right next to the first lady and introduce yourselves. Say, “Hey girl! Good to see you this Sunday morning. I’m surprised that Mister was able to make it out of bed and get here on time. He was a bad boy last night.” Then slowly trace your lips with your finger.

Then, I would print all of the sexually explicit emails and texts and pictures he sent you and put them in a handout. I’d give them to each of his church members as they receive their weekly Sunday programs.

Trust me, if you don’t put him on blast he will continue to do what he’s been doing and getting away with it because no one will speak up. No one will go toe to toe with him because too many times folks put their pastors and bishops on a pedestal, i.e., Bishop Eddie Long, and when something goes down, they make the victims out to be the criminals and evil conspirators trying to harm and damage their poor pastor’s reputation. SMDH!

It’s sad because ministers, pastors, and bishops have been doing this for so long that it has become the churches inside dirty secret. And, it damages and destroys lives. The longer we keep silent and don’t say anything, the longer this will go on.  At some point someone has to make a stand and be courageous. And, it begins with women like you.

So, let his wife know what’s going, and I’m certain she already knows. Give her all the details, emails, text messages, and phone records. She may be in denial, but let her know that God doesn’t like ugly, and that she should remove the veil from her eyes. I would also call up the local media news outlets. They love stories like these, especially when it’s a man of the cloth, and he claims to be an upstanding citizen in the community. Honey, they will find out all types of dirt about him, including his dirty shenanigans in business. If he’s cheating on his wife, trust and believe, he’s cheating in his professional life as well. Now, get the hymnal book and start singing the old negro spiritual “God is trying to tell you something.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

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Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

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My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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