My somewhat squeaky clean reputation doesn’t make me special  so please save that pat on the back you were gonna give me. I’m simply letting it be known that I maintain a balanced level of secrecy despite the topics I blog about. I have learned through a few bumps along the road to guard that area of my life with as many hidden references as possible. I can’t give you everything, you gotta buy the book!

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Others may not have the same view point as I do and may be a lot more comfortable with divulging the dirty dirty. Hey, that’s fine, let it out!

I have the same respect for other relationships that I would my own. I’ve learned that integrity and honesty are very important in my books and as much as I respect the relationship of others by keeping out of it, there comes a time when we find ourselves knee deep in some conflict that does not necessarily involve us.

I suppose it’s my “I’ll take your deep secrets to the grave” personality that urges folks to tell me everything…EVERY-THING. I like listening and learning so it’s cool but there have been a few times in my life that the stories I would hear affected me on a more personal level.

The type of level that had me observe a forever nameless individual’s significant other show me his genuine care for her while she was more concerned with her trysts with less than worthy personalities. In fact this post was spurned because I saw said personality curled up with another on public transit. Girllll!

I tried to let my disgust blow away in the wind and secretly hoped that it was a one time thing. I continued to painfully smile and play along with the ish, but it caught up with me quick and in the worst way.

It angered me so badly that someone could continue to lie to their selves and feel little to no surface-level remorse. Single is an option, but it’s a scary option for a lot of us. It means no regular allowances or constant penetration. It means no secure verbal vacuum to be there when you have a bad day. It means you have to learn to be self-sufficient and accountable for your own messes.

I became stronger when I faced the music and it made me reflect on my own life. I strongly believe everyone in our life mirrors us in some way. I mean I wasn’t hoeing around but I didn’t take a stand and that to me is being dishonest to myself. Hey I’m not an angel and we are all going to have friends who are newsworthy but it doesn’t mean you have to skip and hold hands with them, especially if you know damn well that their actions are hurting others.

I don’t promote stepping on toes or leading people on and I don’t support anyone who does either.

THE END

Ok it’s not the end..thoughts?

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It all began when a series of events led me to introduce two single friends, each from a separate corner of the lonely-hearts club. She, a dynamic sister with a bright future glazing in her horizon, sociable, a people-pleaser, ever-so insecure, met him, an attractive, slightly pretentious man, whose confidence, self-righteousness and charm could blow anyone’s pants off.

I went along with the venture, trying my best to facilitate what was an unlikely combination. She had returned from abroad at the beginning of the year and was detached from the life she left behind. But I, like others in our friendship group, was excited to hear about her stories, supposing that her brilliant mind was ticking over with exciting plans and was full of stories about new people and far-away lands.

On the other side of the equation, he and I had begun seeing each other quite often on the weekends, having a crazy time between us and with other frivolous friends. He spoke about his desire to calm down a little, to find someone with the prospect of longevity. So, when circumstances led them to meet, there was clear and open interest on both sides.

As the weeks went by I stood on the sidelines answering the questions of one about the other and tried my best to bridge some of the obvious differences between them. But it appeared that nothing was going to work between them. He had told me that he had been sleeping around, and even took another sister home on an evening in which she had called me to chase information about where he was. This came in his relationship disclaimer, that so as long as there was no future between them, and the attempts to make something work had reached an expiry date, he was free to do as he wished and with whomever he pleased.

She on the other hand was reappearing in my life quite sporadically to gain information about what he was doing, where he was and what I knew about him. It was strange because, aside from staying at my place when she first returned from abroad, I would only hear from her when she wanted something. It reached the point where I gathered that even she was aware of this, telling me one day “Let’s catch up soon, girl. I feel like I haven’t seen you at all.” I was not too concerned at this point; I was busy.

But, it was all to boil over after one wild evening when he and I shared a kiss at a club. Having been told that nothing was going on between them, I fell to his charms and was one of two women to be swooned that evening with his kiss. I realized that what I had done was foul when I turned to see him with that another sister. Indignant, I left the club. The next day I spoke with him to clear the air, only to discover that he and my friend, she, were seeing each other that evening for round two.

At this point my anger about having been used as a go-between-girl between two unmatched people had reached its climax. After months of being there for both of them, I was eventually pushed to redundancy, the friendships began to end and my interactions with both faded. I also can’t overlook the notion that I was slightly jealous. Two friends, who I had known for 2 years on separate grounds, had run off together and were leaving me behind.

So one evening, I directed a comment to him, amongst friends, that questioned the worth of his friendship. Given how proactive he was in broadcasting to the world a sense of moral superiority and excellence in friendship, he took my criticism poorly and defensively. I considered him a dirty rat, so I didn’t care about how he reacted.

But then, the following day, I received a phone call from her questioning me about the evening in which he and I had kissed. He had obviously told her to spite me and I imagined this was accompanied with the usual dialogue of “she must love me,” which he regularly uses to justify burnt bridges with women (those he burns with men are because they are jealous of his style and charm.) Cornered, I asked to meet with her the next day during my lunch break. She accepted but brought along a mutual friend so to avoid any conversation about what had happened. This was a clear indication she was not interested in hearing what I knew. I told her anyway.

A week later, having boiled over in self-reflection, I sent her an SMS with a stern warning her to watch her mouth with other people. She had fragrantly spread the word amongst mutual friends that I was the saboteur between them as they went about sewing the seeds of their rock-sold connection. I doubted, at this point, that she believed me when I told her about him sleeping around. This sickened me in my self-righteousness because I knew they were having unprotected sex, for which he would take no responsibility. A typical player – selfish and irresponsible.

The entire scenario left me feeling foolish and ashamed. Aside from considering him a friend of mine – an arrogant man with little no consideration of other people’s dignity – I had also fallen victim to subtle ways of a sister’s convenience friendship.

In all of this, I did things I was not at all proud of. I was very wrong to have kissed him without appreciating fully that she still may have had feelings for him by virtue of not knowing he was sleeping around and meeting new women. Her interaction with me was so sporadic, and always so focused on her needs with him, that I was never given the opportunity to know that she was still pursuing him at that point. But, as they began seeing each other again, with talk of them moving in together, a common enemy for them both has been the best method to cover up their obvious differences. Ultimately, my former sister got what she wanted – to fill a void in her life with a charming man. My services to her have dried up and so too has the friendship.

I scratch my head occasionally and wonder whether or not I should still care about her. But then I realize that it was a lesson learned for me and that so too will it be a lesson for her when she finally gets burned.

And that is how one friendship of convenience reached its inevitable end.

“I Love My Husband, But I Want His Friend & I’m Thinking Of Leaving With This Guy”

Is It Possible To Re-Do Romance?

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I have a long and very bad habit of turning my guy friends into my boyfriends. In fact, the longest and most serious boyfriend I’ve had began as my best friend. I mean, it seems perfectly natural and correct. People always say, ‘I married my best friend,’ so I guess I took that advice literally by dating my best friend. Our relationship was great because we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company, but the down side is that, when you break up, you lose both a boyfriend and a best friend in one fell swoop.

I have great resources for this conundrum: my friends – that is, my dear girlfriends and the guys I haven’t dated (yet) – are still my friends. And I have found that the general consensus is that girls think that men and women can be friends, but guys don’t. Most of my guy friends admitted to me that they have thought about sleeping with almost every female friend they have, or used friendship as a tool to get closer to the girl in hopes of turning their friendship into more. One comment by a friend, who is literally the real-life version of Samantha from Sex and the City, said, “Men are for f***ing and women are for friendships.”

That comment blew me away because, in a lot of ways, it’s a very raw and honest statement. However, it then it occurred to me that eventually all of that intense passion and sexual lust you feel for your man will dissipate, but the unyielding bond of friendship is what really lasts. Because, at the end of the day, you just want to be with one who makes you laugh.

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Why I Will Never Like Hanging Out With Your Friends

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The difference between brotherhood and sisterhood is simple: Bros before hoes. Meaning, guys could fall out over a woman, duke it out and still be on for drinks at ‘Nipsy’s’ on Friday night. If you still are having difficulty understanding this, say man X dates girl H. Girl H sleeps with man X’s best friend, hmmm, let’s call him man G. Man X finds out about this, he’s mad–fuming even. He confronts the two involved, and long story short man X drops girl H, fights man G and go on to play ball in Rucker’s Park with the fellas around 9 o’clock that night. Problem solved, bros before hoes. No garden tool will ever come between a man and his brotherhood. It just won’t happen.

This situation would play out a LOT different if it were reversed. Ladies, we know how we are–a*s backwards. We’d never have a bond like that, I don’t care if you were my blood. It sucks but ladies we all know, if your girlfriend even fixed her lips to compliment your man, she’d get the automatic side eye and raised brows would be most definitely be abundant. One of the biggest rules to sisterhood is to NEVER mess with your girlfriend’s man. Ever. It’s the golden rule amongst sistas. Period. It doesn’t matter if you were friends at the time but fell out, or if the two of you haven’t spoken in years. You and your girlfriend’s man need not have any dealings unless it pertains to you, and even that is sometimes too close for comfort; and if you had any previous knowledge that a relationship existed between your friend and said man, you run the risk of losing a friendship, a scarlet letter on your reputation and a first class ticket to get that butt deer dropped (Y’aint know? Check it out here)!

To tell you the truth, I feel like it’s pretty sad that women put such limits on bonds like our sisterhood yet at the same time, I know If any one of my girls tried to pull the robbery on me I’d be the first one ready, willing and able to stone her behind. I know women hinder ourselves from a stronger sisterhood but the fact of the matter is, friendships are all about trust and loyalty. Can I trust you to have my back and be there for me without an unbiased opinion or an ulterior motive? Can I trust you to be the minority of people in my life to be loyal enough to not through a dagger in my back in an attempt to get ahead in the race that we call life?

Will women ever establish a truly unbreakable bond? Who knows, all I can say for now is don’t go against the grain and stay away from your girlfriend’s man! Also, it should be noted that, not only should the friend be dropped, but your man also (if you were still together). Nothing is worse than a woman only holding the other woman accountable for stealing her man when we all know it takes two to tango!

I’m curious, what are your thoughts on the issue?

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Have you ever realized how much one moment of locking eyes can mean? Try looking a stranger in the eye or even someone you know pretty well. Eyes are one of the best attributes of human expression because they can be direct and elusive, as well as show a million different emotions in just one look. Even one glance can tell you a lot about a person’s character, especially if a smile or smirk is thrown in. One thing that shy people have as a disadvantage is that they have trouble holding eye contact. It’s well known that in Western countries like the United States, giving those in power eye contact is revered. However, in Eastern countries, eye contact to those in power is viewed as rude and a sign of disrespect. It’s important to recognize these differences, since eye contact can mean many different things depending on the setting and the people locking eyes. Why is it good to practice strong eye contact in your every day life?

1. Respect – As I said above, in Western countries like the United States, eye contact in order to show and earn respect. From talking to your boss at work to thanking your grandmother for a birthday gift, eye contact shows that you see the person as equal or someone you view as important. Of course there are other ways to show respect, such as staying eye-level with the person and positioning yourself as leaning into them when you’re talking, but eye contact shows that you’re on the same page in the most straight-forward way. As they say, “eyes are the window to the soul.” Sincerity can be felt through eye contact, therefore, genuine respect will be received if you pay strong attention through your eyes.

2. Interest – If you like someone in any way, shape, or form, why not look them in the eye when you’re talking to them? Looking down or away from them can come off as aloof, especially if the person is telling you about something important or trying to get your attention. In order to put the most effort into showing interest, look the person in the eye and smile. This can be taken different ways depending on what you and the other person are intending - interest could mean familial, friendship, a respectful authoritarian interest, love interest, or even just a strong bond that you and the other person have. Eye contact can say so much, yet leave so much to assumptions and analyzing body language.

For more on body language and the interplay of interest, check this other article I wrote: Is It Really In The Eyes? Body Language Decoded.

3. Appreciation - You can convey appreciation quite easily with the eyes - just give a meaningful look into their eyes while you’re thanking them and the other person is able to recognize how you feel. Showing emotions like appreciation is quite important in terms of friends and family members if they do something nice or helpful for you, so eye contact is vital in these situations. It’s a socially constructed way to keep up a positive image with people in your life, yet also an extremely good way to show your thanks with sincerity.

4. Understanding – A locking of eyes can be all you need to have some understand something you mean. If you’re trying to get a point across or just want some reassurance, eye contact can be an important asset in communicating your thoughts. Eye contact is one of the most intimate forms of communication because sight has the ability to pick up so much that people convey. It’s possible to guess what someone’s thinking based on their eyes and how they look at you. Eye contact, or lack thereof, is invaluable for learning to trust someone and having that same respect given in return.

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5. Eye contact can be the difference between seeming aloof and a new friendship. If you’re giving someone eye contact, this could be the start of friendly, warm communication with a new person. By keeping yourself open to locking eyes with a stranger, you’re inviting them to look at you and perhaps start a conversation. You’re leaving yourself open to people if you’re willing to make eye contact and keep up a friendly face. While there’s a clear difference between good eye contact and glaring, it’s important that you know when it’s appropriate to use either. Warm, friendly eyes could be the deciding factor in whether you make a possible friend or scare someone away! While there are exceptions to leaving yourself open with your eyes (ie. when you’re somewhere new and you feel rather sketched out), it’s important to not let opportunities where eye contact could help you to pass you by. Surprising things could happen if you just open your eyes!

In general, eye contact is something people don’t think enough about. It’s important to teach children from a young age to look people in the eye when they’re talking to them or they could develop a habit of seeming aloof or disinterested in communicating with other people. Locking eyes and knowing when to look away is a good people skill to possess. Use your eyes to project a positive image and one look could be the catalyst for change in your life. Open your eyes, sister – you never know who might be watching!

For more insight on this topic, click here.

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One would think that sadness is just as contagious, right? We all know the ‘rotten apple’ analogy.

Not so!

Apparently sadness spreads as well, but not as quickly. Though we wouldn’t recommend being in a bad mood under any circumstances.

To read more about this study, click here.

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Women Waiting Longer To Marry, Divorce Rate Drops [REPORT]

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Get a load of this: A female friend of yours is marrying this very handsome and dapper financier at a lavish Atlanta ceremony in June.  You have really grown close to this woman in the last five years or so. She has a gay brother and loves gay people. Or so she says. Him, not so much.  Everyone and their mother seems to be getting invited to her wedding and all of her many nuptial celebrations. You’re not. What’s the score? Would you be offended that she didn’t invite you to her wedding?  When you mention this to her, she just smiles and say, “Awww, I understand,” or “It’s a small wedding.  A lot of people weren’t invited.” – Soon To Be Former Friend Of The Married Woman

“I Caught My Fiance & Sister About To Have Sex, But She Says It Was Rape”

Dear Soon To Be Former Friend Of The Married Woman,

Let’s get one thing straight, she is not your friend! It’s very shady and very déclassé for her to claim to be your friend, and I can only imagine the support you’ve shown her throughout the five years you’ve known one another, and then to not invite you to her wedding. WOW! Talk about pulling the shades down every so slowly and closing the door in your face. That is FIERCE!

But, I gather it has more to do with her very handsome and dapper financier and his disdain for gay people. And, in order to save face, and her marriage, she would rather lose you as a friend. Oh, I’m sure they had a discussion about you attending the wedding, and notice I said “a discussion,” because I am certain after she brought it up the first time he let it be known his feelings of you not attending, and after that it was no longer a topic of further discussion. And, it’s nothing personal, and I wouldn’t even take it personal, but if I were you, I would put her right in her place. Give her a piece of your mind and let it be known how you truly feel about being shaded.

And, yes, this is her moment. This is her day, and most weddings are filled with the people who love them and they want to share that day with them. Unfortunately, you are not one of the chosen ones. You are not considered a “loved” one that they wish to have in their presence to acknowledge as they exchange their wedding vows. Oh, yeah, I am going for the jugular here, because I know that weddings are when you have the house/church/backyard/beach/or wherever packed with people. There is no limit on who can attend the wedding. Now, had it been the reception, then I would have understood. There is the accounting of people, food, liquor, and space. But, she didn’t even invite you to any of her nuptial celebrations. Chile, what more of a clue do you need that she is not your friend. And, I hope she doesn’t expect for you to get her a gift. I wish I might! Bitch please!

Look, it’s time that you let bygones be bygones. You need to compartmentalize your relationship with her as she has already compartmentalized you in her life. You’re the good gay friend when she needs someone to hang out with, talk with, and socialize with. But, as far as a good friend, chile, she isn’t thinking about you. She has truly shown her ass, well, I say it’s her soon-to-be-husband who doesn’t want you around. And, I wonder why? Hmmmm! You did state they were getting married in ATLANTA! Makes you think, huh? But, I digress. You’ve already mentioned it to her and she’s brushed you off. Take that as your cue to exit stage left and wish her wedded bliss. And, when she returns from her honeymoon, and wants to call and hang out with you, give her the same lines she gave you, “Oh, girl, it’s only a small group of us hanging out. A lot of people weren’t invited.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Top 9 Black Reality Personalities

Take a look:

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See all of Kandi’s exclusive videos for HelloBeautiful HERE!

OFFICIAL: www.kandiofficial.com

OFFICIAL: www.kandikoatednight.com

TWITTER: www.twitter.com/kandi

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a best friend who is currently in a relationship with an older man with children, one who is two years older than her. I have been deciding on whether or not I should just come out and tell her that I absolutely hate their relationship and that she should just leave him alone. Now most people would agree that it’s not my business to tell my friend who she can and can’t date but me and my friend are only eighteen years old and we just graduated from high school a couple of months ago together. From the things she has told me about this man I know that he is almost forty years old. He lives with his mother, has a minimum wage job, and buys and uses illegal drugs including meth and cocaine. She even told me he got her to try it once! Hearing this I was outraged and I immediately wanted to tell her to break up with him, but my friend is an extreme drama queen and she would have gotten upset to the point where it would’ve ruined our friendship.

To tell you about my friend, she is very foolish when it comes to men. She is lonely in her heart and used to constantly hook up and have sex with men she barely even knew only to form a week long relationship, break up with the guy, and start it all over again with someone else. I used to be able to keep her on track but I’m away at college in another city now and my priorities are with school and getting my degree, so I only get to see her on holiday breaks. My friend is not in college and has quit her current job because her new man said that he would “take care of her.”

From the way she talks about him she sounds like she has fallen in love and it’s starting to get serious. I can’t shake the feeling that this man is a player and is going to leave her for the next young girl that comes along and break her heart. I feel my friend has so much potential and is throwing her life away by being with this older guy. Please tell me what I should do because we have been friends since middle school and I love her like a sister and I don’t want to lose our friendship over the relationship she has with this man. Should I hold my tongue or should I tell her how I feel? And if I do tell her, how do I go about it?-Frustrated With My BFF

“If I Came Clean About My Indiscretions To My Wife, Why Won’t She?”

Dear Frustrated With My BFF,

Girl, I know exactly how you feel. We all have good friends we’ve grown up with, and they are like family to us, yet they do some dumb -ish that leave us scratching our heads. I know, sweetie, trust me I do. But, I do know one thing for sure, mind your business and leave other folks business alone!

Even though you love her, and you feel she may be in a dysfunctional relationship where she is being duped, manipulated, and deceived, but, Ms. Honey, there is nothing you can do about it. Because the more you try to convince her she is in an unhealthy relationship, and the man is no good for her, she will not see what you see. She is in “love.” And, she may think you are jealous, and envious of her.

Oh, yes, honey, I know the scenario. She is going to tell you that you don’t know him like she does. He is trying to be a better man. He’s different and you just got to get to know him. Honey, trust me, I know all the denial symptoms and the impact of what being in “love” with someone who is no good can do to someone.

Unfortunately, the more you speak out against her man, it will only reinforce her love for him. It will push her further into his arms. No matter what you say, she can’t hear you because she is caught up in him. How she views the relationship is different than you, and vice-versa. She is looking at the relationship from an insider’s perspective. She will see you, my darling, as an outsider butting in.

You’ve got to understand that she is young. She is going to make mistakes, and she has to learn, hopefully, from her mistakes. It seems you’ve been a positive reinforcement in her life. She sees what you’re doing, and it is impacting her life. She may not say anything to you, but know that people watch what you do, not what you say. And, I know it hurts you to see her in this situation, but it’s her life. She has to live it on her own terms. You can’t baby her and hold her hand. Hopefully she will grow and see the relationship, and her man, as you do. But until then, hold your tongue.

If you say something to her, don’t do it with a judging or opinionated tone. Don’t make him out to be the bad guy. Don’t make her wrong for her decisions. You’ve got to approach her lovingly and with love. If she is picking wrong men, and doing things destructively it may be a cry for help and attention. She may need some professional help that you can’t offer her. There may be some deeper issues underneath her behaviors. So, recommend some professional therapy and counseling. And, offer to go with her. Be a support system, not a nagging and overbearing motherly authority. She may resent it, and you.

So, Ms. Frustrated With My BFF, I strongly suggest you focus on school and doing what is good for you. Don’t get caught up with others and their lives, even if it is your BFF. Because I do know this, once you open your mouth and give your opinion, or share your dislike about him and the relationship, you will be seen as the enemy. She will run back and tell her boyfriend what you said, and it will cause a riff in your friendship because even though her loyalty is with you, her love is with him. And, you should check out my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. There is a chapter in it called, Friend or Foe? Recognize Your Frenemies – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

“He Says He Wants To Be With Me, But He Keeps Going To The Other Woman’s House”

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Here is Kyndall’s submission:

They say friendship is good for the soul, but I believe a truly beautiful friendship is when the heart is filled with love and the soul is overjoyed. My friendship with Chelsea Tucker began August of 2006. I moved from Indiana to North Carolina to attend college and Chelsea was my roommate. From the moment we moved into our tiny little dorm we were inseparable. I truly believe that God places angels in your life who reveal themselves at the most opportune times. In December 2007 my angel revealed herself through a friendship I had never experienced.

During my sophomore year in college I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. As you can imagine the news was devastating, what made things worse was that I was 13 hours away from my family. I was scared and angry with God. I didn≠Äôt know who to turn to. My spirit was broken and the pieces of my young life began to crumble right before my eyes. But Chelsea was there, to pick up every piece and inspire me to live. She wiped my eyes the nights I cried until I couldn≠Äôt cry anymore. She combed my hair on my toughest hair days after treatment. But most importantly she loved and cared for me through it all when all others had forsaken me.

Today, I am three years cancer free and I do not believe that I could have fought through it all without the support of Chelsea. Her caring spirit and loving heart inspires me everyday to become a better person. She is the true essence of what it means to be a beautiful person. I did not find a friend 19 years old, I found my sister for a lifetime.

We would like to thank all our readers who participated in our “Beautiful Friendship” contest.

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I just read an argument and its rebuttal on the subject of best friends and it really made me think: is it bad to just have one best friend or is having a lot of close friends the better way to go? While from first glance, the article about the “horrors” of a child having a “BFF (Best Friends Forever)” seemed just like an overprotective parent trying to micromanage their child’s life, but even so, I could see some clear points in there that struck a chord with me. Limiting yourself in any way, shape, or form in terms of who you consider a “friend” is limiting how you see the world. Situations with friends can change on the instant, so why put yourself in a position where if one friend leaves forever, you have no one to fall back on? It’s good to be open to whomever you meet and any potential friendship that comes your way. I see the other view, too, though, that unless you spend time nurturing a friendship, you never truly become close to anyone. Which is more important or is there equal weight in both arguments?

I know that throughout my life, I’ve had both scenarios – one best friend that I could talk to about everything, as well as multiple close friends with whom I felt a strong connection to. I also have those acquaintances that I only say hi when I see them and have small talk, but we don’t have a strong connection like I have with other friends. I truly feel like you can’t limit yourself to who you consider a friend because things can change in an instant and who sticks out all the bad moments is truly someone you can trust. Personally, I just have a group of friends I can call my confidants, but also groups of people I just have fun with. Why does it have to be all or nothing? There’s always a range of people that you share certain things with, a rolling river where trust comes in different forms. When there’s one person that you can share everything with and they’re not judgmental, that’s definitely “BFF” material. However, you can have multiple “BFF”s and feel a strong connection to them all, but in different ways.

Enter HelloBeautiful’s “Beautiful Friendship” Contest!

I don’t think friendship can be so concrete. Children should be allowed to befriend whomever they want, as long as they’re safe and are allowed to learn what it means to be a friend through relating with others. For me, it wasn’t until the end of middle school and early high school that I learned the difference between true and superficial friendships. I don’t think it would be as clear to me as it is now if I hadn’t had that learning experience and gained a firsthand understanding of interpersonal relationships. I don’t even regret the moments of clarity I had to have as to who was toxic and who wasn’t because it’s helped me in the present day to differentiate who I want to keep in contact with. Although it’s important for parents of younger children to reinforce connections, by a certain age, the parenting reigns need to be pulled in and kids should learn on their own to read social cues. It’s invaluable human experience to be able to relate with others and figure out who fits with you. As I wrote this, I thought of an anonymous quote I once heard, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime” and in looking it up, I found a link to what exactly that means. It’s interesting to think of friends in those categories instead of “best” or “close” or “acquaintance.” The “lifetime” friends are the ones that are your “best,” or the ones that are always there for you. However, there are always others that are harder to categorize and sometimes it’s best not to since life is ever-changing.

I know a girl who I sort of knew throughout elementary and middle school, but it wasn’t until high school and college that we became part of a group of close friends. When parents try to dictate the friendships of their children, that could be stunting the natural growth of their child’s connections. Whoever is meant to be there at certain times in a person’s life is never set in stone, but in the end, it’s the journey that matters. That might sound cliche, but why label friendships anyway? Maybe it’s just better to let friendships fall into place by themselves, rather than rank the level of connection you have with individual people.

What are your thoughts on friendship, childhood or otherwise? Post your comments below.

Is It Really In The Eyes? Body Language Decoded.

How To Embrace Your Nervousness & Just Be Yourself

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Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.

1. Loyalty: Whether its in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way.

2. Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.

5 friends you should have on the job

3. Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured!

READ MORE HERE

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3 ways to deal with people who ignore boundaries

“Beautiful Friendship” Contest Rules

Announcing…THE “BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP” CONTEST

brought to you by DreamWorks Studios & HelloBeautiful.com

Do you have a beautiful friendship in your life? Have you experienced a friendship with another woman that has influenced your life in a positive way? Transformed you emotionally or spiritually or intellectually, helped you through a challenging situation, or just been plain fun?

Tell us about it in the Beautiful Friendship contest and WIN:

• a new Flip HD camera
• an exclusive all-expense paid trip for you and your friend to the LIVE FILM SET of DreamWorks’ upcoming major motion picture, The Help, based on the best-selling book by Kathryn Stockett.
• a meet & greet with the cast and crew of the film to witness how a film gets made
• Featured Blogger spot on HelloBeautiful.com to video blog about your experience with your new camera!

To Enter, fill in the form below:

1. Write a description of your “Beautiful Friend” (350 words or less)

2. Upload your most beautiful picture of you both together. (The photo should be a personal photograph, taken by you or of you for which you have permission to post.)

Winners will be chosen by HelloBeautiful on September 20, 2010

You know the type. The friend that calls you up and always seems to have a problem. They want you to “do a favor” for them, but this isn’t the first time they’ve asked. The “favor” always benefits them, but sometimes it’s not worth your time, especially when you have other things to do. They’re constantly sucking you dry with their issues, running up your phone bill, asking you to drive them places, and basically just using you to their benefit. However, whenever you need to talk or need them to help you out with something, they’re conveniently busy or just keep discussing their own life. Being friends with this person is a drain on your life, but it’s sometimes hard to recognize that you’re being manipulated, especially if you’re really close to them. It’s a cycle that’s hard to break, but you need to know what to look for before you know if it’s happening to you.

Here are some general traits of manipulators and how you can stop this from happening in your life:

1. They constantly have to reassure you that “you’re the best!” or that you’re “saving their life!” If this doesn’t happen very often and you legitimately are doing them a decent favor, than that’s fine. However, if this happens all the time, you’re getting walked all over because the favors are not going to stop. If you like doing favors, then that’s okay for you, but if you’re constantly being guilt-tripped into doing it because you’ve helped them out before, then that’s the kiss of death.

2. They guilt-trip you. Like I said before, if you’ve helped them out before and that’s the only reason they want you to help over and over again, then this isn’t a healthy system. You should be helping people because you like them and want to do good by them, not because the other party is expecting you to be the “helpful friend” 24/7. For instance, if they ask you to drop everything and give them a ride somewhere just because you have a car and have driven them around before, then make you feel bad for not being available – that’s a guilt trip and they don’t want you for you. They want you for your car and that’s not something you want to become a precedent.

3. They only talk to you when they need to vent or want something. The rest of the time, they aren’t listening, even if you’ve had a good day and wanted to share that with them. The friendship isn’t very balanced since they especially aren’t around if you’re having a bad time and need to vent, as well. It’s kind of like you’re their therapist and person to dump things on, not their friend to share the good and the bad like in a healthy relationship. You should be able to be happy or sad and they’re willing to chat, not one or the other. If you’re spending your time listening to them, but they’re not for you, then your friendship is very one-sided.

4. They bad-mouth you to others when they don’t get their way. Maybe you couldn’t drive them somewhere or you couldn’t make it to their party, but they weren’t happy about that and for example, they could accuse you of lying to them. When your back is turned, a manipulator decides to get others on her side and turn people against you. She makes you out to be the “bad guy,” while she comes out the victim because that’s how the story was turned. However, once everything blows over, she could have destroyed other possible friendships for you, but you might never know why. In this case, the “friend” is sneaky and not really worth your time, since they have a “high-school-drama” streak and just want to come out the winner.

5. They try to steal your friends and/or your man. Maybe this scenario in #4 happens and she’s told all of YOUR friends that you’re the “bad guy.” It’s possible that she could try to turn your friends against you for her gain, since she seems to have twisted a story around in her favor. Maybe she’s decided to bad-mouth you in front of your boyfriend and he believes her manipulations  – this could be the end to a good relationship just because she ushered her way into your other relationships. This “friend” is not trustworthy and is one to take advantage of your weaknesses for her gain. This is a dangerous situation, so it’s best to be wary with secrets around this sister.

5 Ways To Not Settle For Less Than You Deserve

While not all “manipulators” do this sort of thing, these are just some examples of how one or more “friends” could take advantage of you unnecessarily. How do you deal with a girl that’s this out to get you?

1. Don’t let them get the best of you. She’s good at playing games, therefore, don’t let yourself get entangled in them. If she really cared about your friendship, she wouldn’t be using you like she is. Just be wary of her act and be careful of what you say around her. It might be like walking on eggshells, but it’s best to take care with the situations you’re in with her. She’ll take advantage of your weaknesses if you’re not watching out for yourself, so you have to be on your guard.

2. Be careful of how much you share. These types of girls are vicious in gossip and telling others your stories. They can sometimes twist the stories to make it sound like you’re not a good person or that you’ve done them wrong. Maybe you both had something to do with the issues the occurred, but do you want everyone knowing your friendship drama? Perhaps they have always been this way, but you’ve never realized it until one of your friends tells you something you never told them personally. If you don’t want the whole world to know about your relationships or any of your bad habits, don’t trust them so readily and be wary of how much you tell them.

3. Be straight with her and tell her when you can’t help her out. If she’s pushing you to drive her somewhere, just put her in her place. Tell her that you’re always willing to help her out, but that you’re busy on that particular day. If she continues to bug you and makes you feel guilty, just stand your ground. Don’t give into her demands if it means giving into her guilt-trip. Manipulators are good at wearing down their victims, so be the strong one, not the one that tries to keep the peace in this regard.

4. Spend time with other friends. If you show you have other friends and are busy with others, too, you can both gain other alliances. This will help #5 go smoother if you’ve decided that the friendship is too much for you to deal with. Having other groups of friends assures that you have people who have your back if the “difficult” friend decides to bother you and guilt you into to doing something for her. The “difficult” one might still be a fair-weather friend, but if you have consistent friends who don’t want things from you, then you will have healthier relationships overall.

5. Slowly back away from their friendship. I know this seems obvious – is she really a friend is she uses you? Not everyone can spot the manipulative types, however, and easily get caught in their games again and again. Plus, even the people are the sweetest and most caring at times can also have the most brutal mood swings and behaviors. Sometimes, you have the weigh their good and bad traits to truly see that they might be using you. Once that’s done, however, and you think it’s not worth the drama anymore, slowly moving away from their friendship is the best way to remove yourself from the situation. Manipulative friends are toxic and permeate every aspect of your life if they’re given leverage. Knowing when to move on from the guilt-trips and games is the first step in securing your life as your own, not something someone can step on.

Is Having A Best Friend Healthy For Your Child?

“Beautiful Friendship” Contest Rules

Becoming a “Soul Sister” – “Soul sisters” are linked through experience, understanding, and a true sense of womanhood that transcends the mere “acquaintance.” Whether they’re a friend from the start or someone who came in during your mid-life crisis, all friendships bring something special to the table. They’re just different in the way they met you and how much time they’ve been around you. It’s not the quantity of the the time they’ve known you, but the quality of the time you’ve spent together. Some of my best friends are people who I’ve known only two years, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know them well. We’ve spent quality time together, therefore, the friendship has become more important to me as the months and years have gone by.

Strong female friendships can be hard to come by sometimes due to drama, man issues, or anything that makes trust become a problem, so it’s important to keep your sisters close! Learn to love all your friends, despite how long you’ve known them – it’s the bond that counts.

Announcing…THE “BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP” CONTEST

brought to you by DreamWorks Studios & HelloBeautiful.com

Do you have a beautiful friendship in your life? Have you experienced a friendship with another woman that has influenced your life in a positive way? Transformed you emotionally or spiritually or intellectually, helped you through a challenging situation, or just been plain fun?

Tell us about it in the Beautiful Friendship contest and WIN:

• a new Flip HD camera
• an exclusive all-expense paid trip for you and your friend to the LIVE FILM SET of DreamWorks’ upcoming major motion picture, The Help, based on the best-selling book by Kathryn Stockett.
• a meet & greet with the cast and crew of the film to witness how a film gets made.
• Featured Blogger spot on HelloBeautiful.com to video blog about your experience with your new camera!

To Enter, fill in the form below:

1. Write a description of your “Beautiful Friend” (350 words or less)

2. Upload your most beautiful picture of you both together. (The photo should be a personal photograph, taken by you or of you for which you have permission to post.)

Winners will be chosen by HelloBeautiful on September 20, 2010

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The end of summer is a time to reflect about relationships. Friends aren’t all the same – some are there for all of your life, and others only for a short time. The friends you make in your adulthood are usually a different caliber than the ones you make in your childhood.Those who’ve known you the longest know all your awkward years and times where you’ve been trying to find yourself, yet the friends you make later in life only know you as how you’ve evolved and changed. Many people put stock in the amount of years invested in a friendship but  there are many who can be your friend for years, yet never reach the core of who you are.

Childhood Friends - These are the friends you’ve known since you can remember. You might have met them in the sandbox when you were four, for example, or maybe you were sitting in a story time in grade school and they just happened to be your reading partner. No matter how you met them, they’ve been there since the beginning. They know about the ridiculous haircut you had in third grade and your worst crush story from seventh grade. You’ve always been partners in crime, but now you’ve grown up. Gone are the days of braces and learning to tie your shoes, proms and sleepovers. It’s a new time in your life, yet they’re still there and it’s hard to forget about embarrassing moments from the past when they’ve seen it all. They’ll always remember you as the young child you used to be and know your history, which can be good and bad. While you embrace these friends with open arms, just because you’ve known each other so long doesn’t mean they know or understand the person you’ve become. It’s a process of getting to know someone again once they change, mature, and eventually grow into the person they’re meant to be. They might not always understand you and vice versa, but at least they’ve proven that they have staying power, despite differences that develop overtime.

Adulthood Friends – These are the types of friends you meet in your late teens – early twenties and continue until the later years of your life. You’ve already formed your style, personality, etc. and now you’re just looking for like-minded (or completely different!) types of people. These newbies come into existence to either complete or completely change up your friendship circle. The start of adulthood ends up being a time where friendship changes are made, either due to going away to school and leaving your childhood home or a job move – anything that picks you up from where you grew up and brings you into contact with a completely different circle of people. From experience, it’s a breath of fresh air to meet people from different places – they don’t know who you’ve been and you can just be yourself without them knowing your whole history. It ends up becoming a learning experience because you’re starting from scratch and get to tell childhood stories to a fresh face. You end up making new memories with these people and these can end up being more mature friendships if they’re based on common interests rather than vicinity. When you grow up, you meet people in your general area and this helps form bonds. When you’re able to travel by yourself to a new area or even simply engrossed in a new situation (ie. college, new job, traveling), you’re able to reinvent yourself. The bonds that brought you together with childhood friends are formed differently in adulthood – you don’t become instant friends just through being around them a lot. Friendships can be hard to cultivate during adulthood, as you’re constantly on the run to your job and/or balancing a husband and kids, but the worthwhile friends stick around. You’re able to overcome obstacles of time and location because you like each other, regardless if you’ve known each other five or twenty five years.

Mixing Childhood & Adulthood Friends – Some people lose touch with their childhood friends completely or end up having two separate groups that encompass two different eras of their life – it depends on how close you were with these friends or how much of a “new start” you want in adulthood. Occasionally intermingling of friendship groups could occur, but in general, childhood and adulthood friendships tend to be on two completely different wavelengths. From personal experience, I feel like I can change my eccentric persona a bit while meeting new people as an adult, whereas when I see my childhood friends, the silliness and hilarity is amplified. As the cliche quote says, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Said in other words, once you’ve developed a routine with childhood friends, it’s hard to break it. However, while making friends at an older age, the friendship is fresh and you’re able to direct it in diverse directions. For example, if your oldest friends are very focused on having a good time when you’re together and not having serious discussions, your adulthood friends could be your outlet for intellectual stimulation. If you’re looking for friends you can go out with on the weekends, there are always other groups of people you can meet that can satisfy that need.

“Beautiful Friendship” Contest Rules

Becoming a “Soul Sister” – “Soul sisters” are linked through experience, understanding, and a true sense of womanhood that transcends the mere “acquaintance.” Whether they’re a friend from the start or someone who came in during your mid-life crisis, all friendships bring something special to the table. They’re just different in the way they met you and how much time they’ve been around you. It’s not the quantity of the the time they’ve known you, but the quality of the time you’ve spent together. Some of my best friends are people who I’ve known only two years, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know them well. We’ve spent quality time together, therefore, the friendship has become more important to me as the months and years have gone by.

Strong female friendships can be hard to come by sometimes due to drama, man issues, or anything that makes trust become a problem, so it’s important to keep your sisters close! Learn to love all your friends, despite how long you’ve known them – it’s the bond that counts.

Announcing…THE “BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP” CONTEST

brought to you by DreamWorks Studios & HelloBeautiful.com

Do you have a beautiful friendship in your life?  Have you experienced  a friendship with another woman that has influenced your life in a  positive way?  Transformed you emotionally or spiritually or  intellectually, helped you through a challenging situation, or just been plain fun?

Tell us about it in the Beautiful Friendship contest and WIN:

• a new Flip HD camera
• an exclusive all-expense paid trip for you and  your friend to the LIVE FILM SET of DreamWorks’ upcoming major motion  picture, The Help, based on the best-selling book by Kathryn Stockett.
• a meet & greet with the cast and crew of the film to witness how a film gets  made
• Featured Blogger spot on HelloBeautiful.com to video blog about your experience with your new camera!

To Enter, fill in the form below:

1. Write a description of your “Beautiful Friend” (350 words or less)

2. Upload your most beautiful picture of you both together. (The photo should be a personal photograph, taken by you or of you for which you have permission to post.)

Winners will be chosen by HelloBeautiful on September 20, 2010

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I Knew It In My Gut: 6 Ways To Learn To Trust People

5 Ways To Deal With Friends Who Use You

Announcing…

THE “BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP” CONTEST

brought to you by DreamWorks Studios & HelloBeautiful.com!

Do you have a beautiful friendship in your life? Have you experienced a friendship with another woman that has influenced your life in a positive way? Transformed you emotionally or spiritually or intellectually, helped you through a challenging situation, or just been plain fun?

Tell us about it in the Beautiful Friendship contest and WIN:

1. a new Flip HD camera

2. an exclusive all-expense paid trip for you and your friend to the LIVE FILM SET of DreamWorks’ upcoming major motion picture, “The Help,” based on the best-selling book by Kathryn Stockett.

3. a meet & greet with the cast and crew of the film to witness how a film gets made.

4. a featured Blogger spot on HelloBeautiful.com to video blog about your experience with your new camera!

To enter, fill in the form below:

1. Write a description of your “Beautiful Friend” (350 words or less)

2. Upload your most beautiful picture of you both together. (The photo should be a personal photograph, taken by you or of you for which you have permission to post.)

Winners will be chosen by HelloBeautiful on September 20, 2010.

“Beautiful Friendship” Contest Rules

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I Knew It In My Gut: 6 Ways To Learn To Trust People

5 Ways To Deal With Friends Who Use You

We’ve all most likely been in this scenario: you meet someone new and hit it off right away – they’re funny, nice, and you seem to have found a fast friend. However, since you just met, you feel that you can’t fully trust them yet. You’ve listened to some of their stories and shared quite a few of your own, but this is the first time you’ve talked. You might feel a real connection and want to believe that they’re trustworthy, yet you still have that guarded feeling that makes you seem nervous. It’s human nature to be cautious people we don’t know well. Personally, since I’m a glass-is-half-full type of woman, I trust people unless they give me a reason to think otherwise. While it’s always good to be careful with whom you trust, when does this “guarded” approach turn into full-on paranoia? There’s a fine line between being a street-smart human being and having a closed personality. People are complex and it’s smart to not let everyone into to your personal life, but how are you to strengthen your new relationships if you don’t give them something to start with? Here are some tips on how to be trusting, but not TOO trusting:

1. Start off slow when talking to someone new. Don’t reveal too much about yourself too fast. It’s always a golden rule to keep a friendly air, but not to tell the person EVERYTHING about yourself. This might be common sense, but some people are far too honest too fast, which could lead to issues later if the relationship doesn’t go well. Any friendship or relationship in general has to start with a foundation with which you build trust on. Just be smart about how much you tell someone and a new relationship could blossom!

2. Be open to upping the trust level as you get to know them. If you or put up a wall right away or become defensive when they ask you more in-depth questions, they might think that you don’t like them and might back away themselves as a result. If you don’t let the relationship develop naturally, how is there supposed to be trust at all? Trust is a give and take, therefore, if you don’t let yourself become comfortable or open to letting them in, nothing’s ever going to happen.

3. Don’t analyze everything too much. As I said in a past entry (Stop Over-Analyzing And Start Living Your Life), analyzing every little detail of your life isn’t worth it. You have to be open to the fact that nothing is completely certain unless you talk to the person, plus life is better if you’re able to let some things go. Many times, shy people who worry too much are mistaken as cold or insensitive, even if they’re really just scared to trust others. In general, you just have to open yourself up to the possibilities, yet not be one to bare your soul. Keeping a balanced perspective on every situation makes it easier to trust, yet also be in-tune with your gut thoughts and feelings on the person.

4. …However, DO read body language. Body language is invaluable to notice while learning to trust someone, especially since it can be very indicative of whether that person is being sincere or not. Watch their eyes, hand motions, and facial expressions carefully in order to gauge whether or not the person is being truthful. Check out this article I posted a few weeks ago to get a handle on how to read people.

Is It Really In The Eyes? Body Language Decoded.

5. Don’t assume you know everything about them right away. Getting to know them through social networking sites, texts, instant messenger, and e-mail shouldn’t be the sole way you get to know them. Don’t blindly think they are a certain way unless you have spent a significant amount of time in person with them. Ask them lots of questions in order to get to know their intricacies in the flesh. It’s better to get to know someone slowly through getting coffee or hanging out in the park with friends than a false sense of intimacy through text.

6. Listen to your gut feeling in order to spot patterns. Did you get a weird feeling when they asked you personal information right away? Or was it possible that from the moment you met, you weren’t sure if they were trustworthy or not? Trust those initial feelings. Take the friendship slowly. Listen to the above hints and don’t reveal too much about yourself. If these invasive questions continue or you still don’t feel safe around them, a pattern is forming and it might be for the best that you aren’t very close with this person. If your gut is telling you something, it’s probably important, so listen to that instinct – it’s rarely wrong!

In general, it’s good to take things slow and not rush into any intense emotional sharing with people. It can take some friends years to open up to each other, but others mere days or hours to spill their entire life stories. While it’s good to go with the flow and not be too nervous about budding camaraderie, you can’t be too careful with what you share in initial meetings.Once you’ve known someone for years and haven’t had many issues with them, then the trust levels can be raised, but it always depends on your gut feelings no matter what. Don’t let uneasy feelings overtake you – listen to them! Be careful with your interactions with that person and if need be, let go of someone who’s toxic. Life is too short for strong, independent women to be tied down with non-trustworthy confidants! Be yourself and learn to ease into friendships, relationships, and other interpersonal interactions gracefully. You never know who you could meet and how important they could turn out to be in the long run!

I was just reminded of a conversation I had with one of my friends a few months ago about a guy she was “seeing.” I wanted to know what the deal was with him, if they were “in a relationship” or not and she said we’re “dating.” She then went on to explain the difference between “dating” and “being in a relationship” – apparently if you’re “dating” someone, it’s not serious and just for fun (ie. you go on “dates”), but if you’re “in a relationship,” it’s more monogamous and you are seriously seeing just each other. So, I’ve decided to make a pro and con list of the two situations, as I’m just intrigued that there’s even a difference at all.

Pros and Cons of “Dating”:

Pros:

1. It’s casual and fun. When you’re simply “dating” someone, you can just go somewhere fun and have a good time together. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic, since you’re both just out because you appreciate each other’s company. While you could be romantic while having it be casual, it’s just a more chill atmosphere without the expectations.

2. It’s not necessarily monogamous, unless you want it to be. While “dating” does imply that you’re not exclusive, you can choose to be monogamous, but not serious. There are less strings attached when you are just simply “dating.”

3. You can always end up becoming more serious. There is always that possibility, but at the moment, you’re just seeing where the “dating” takes you.

Cons:

1. You want something serious, but the other person doesn’t. When do “dating” and “relationship” possibilities collide? Perhaps the other person doesn’t want what you want. You mutually have to make it clear in the beginning what you’re looking for or it could get messy.

2. You’re having fun with them, but just want to be friends. You’ve got to not lead them on or it could be a bad situation. As with number one, you’ve got to be honest from the start or there could be problems. Maybe they won’t want to be friends if they feel led on.

3. You get attached easily and want more. This could be hard if you’re moving in a direction that the other person is oblivious to. This is similar to number one, but it possibly could go in a deeper direction – you need to walk the fine line and read signals as to where the “dating” is going.

Being “In A Relationship”:

Pros:

1. If both of you want to be monogamous, this is perfect. It’s a bit more than simply “dating” and there’s expected loyalty, so you can feel secure in what’s going on.

2. You get both the emotional and physical connection. If you truly want to be with the person and the feeling’s mutual, then it’s the best of both worlds.

3. You always have someone there. You have someone to confide in and lean on that cares about you that you like on a deeper level.

Cons:

1. If you’re not comfortable with something serious, this could be difficult to handle. A lot of emotions go into a committed relationship, so if you’re not ready for it, then you shouldn’t let it get as serious.

2. Attachment, especially if you ever break it off. There could be a lot of turmoil after the break-up (if that were to happen), so investing yourself so much into a relationship should take a lot of thought beforehand.

3. If you ever have to take it long distance, this might strain your relationship. If one of you has to take a job in a different state or country, what do you do? Depending on how long you’ve been in a relationship, this could be a turning or breaking point.

-Another point about “dating” versus “relationships” is that social networking gives you the option to post your “relationship status,” which brings your personal life out for scrutiny. If your “relationship status” is in an ambiguous dating situation, what do you put? You can either not put it up at all, which makes people wonder, or you can just keep it “single,” which might not necessarily be true. “It’s complicated” is a good option, but that just leaves it open for questions of why it’s complicated. Places like Facebook, Myspace, Black Planet can ignite so much drama, especially if you break up and change your “relationship status,” and sometimes it’s better to just keep it simple and not bother with those avenues at all.

In general, there are pros and cons to both scenarios, so you have to discuss with your partner which one you’re going for in the dating/relationship scene. What do you think about “dating” versus “relationships”? Post your comments below.

Don’t Let Technology Mess Up Real Life Relationships

Is It Possible For Couples To Make Their Own Rules?

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Body language is a really important facet of communication, since it’s an expressive form of interaction that a simple text message can’t get across. Since technology has made face-to-face become smaller scale interaction compared to texting or IMing, people don’t see what others facial or body expressions as often. Although video chatting is a good way to remedy this in long distance situations, true in-your-face interaction is what gets across the most emotion and makes people comfortable around each other. It can be hard to decipher what the person’s really thinking unless you see their entire facial or body movements, therefore, knowing body language is an art and a valuable life skill. What influences body language and how can you learn how to read people effectively?

What triggered this thought in me was a news article about how the iPhone recently developed a Body Language App, which can give you tips on- the-go as to what to look for in people’s interactions. That’s crazy. It’s like a tip book for people, yet the fact that it’s on the iPhone is ironic to me – the real way you get experience with body language is by OBSERVING and BEING AMONG PEOPLE. Confidence could come from an iPhone App, yet the real test to learning how to read people is by interacting with people face-to-face, not staring at a mini-computer. Technology has become a crutch, as I’ve said in another blog entry, and I do hope people realize that the only way to truly become comfortable reading people is to talk to people.

Some tips about body language – what to look for (although everyone’s different, there are some universal signs that are important to recognize):

1. How close the other person is to you is a good indication of how comfortable they are around you. The closer they’re leaning, the more they like you. The farther away they’re from you when you’re interacting, the less warmth and comfort there is in the interaction.

2. Head position is extremely important – the more playful it is, the more it could mean interest. Is their head cocked or leaning in towards you? Cocked head means they’re confused or trying to figure out what you’re saying, also depending on eye and mouth movement, for example. If they’re looking down, it could mean shyness or lost in thought, depending on the context of the conversation.

3. Eye contact is a strong indicator of whether or not the person is interested in continuing the conversation. If they’re intently staring into your eyes, it could be a sign of romantic interest, especially if they look away and blush. Physical signs of attraction usually start in the eyes, as your pupils dilate when you’re looking at someone you like (although there are people whose pupils are always dilated, which a condition called mydriasis). Basically, awkward eye contact can be interpreted in many ways, but generally, people’s true feelings are present in eye contact.

4. Are they mirroring your movements? If so, that’s a good sign. When the person you’re with mirrors your body movements, it generally means that they want to be on the same page with you. Being on the same page means having a rapport and a comfortable environment.

These are just some general indications to look out for when you’re talking to someone, especially if they’re new in your life. If you generally feel comfortable around them and can move as you please, that’s a good sign that the relationship (whether friendship or romantic) will work out. Being overly nervous around a person can sometimes give off a bad vibe, so just be yourself in order to convey good body language.

An important thing to remember is to not focus on body language too much or you’ll miss the moment. Thinking too much can make your body language indicate something completely different than you intended. Just go with the flow and be the strong, independent person that you are: let the conversation flow naturally and the comfortable body language will follow.

Read more about body language here.

Don’t Let Technology Mess Up Real Life Relationships

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“We Met Online, But Where Is The Relationship Going?”

(From sheknows.com)

There’s nothing like the companionship of your best girlfriend — you know, that girl with whom you can swap any secret, whose closet you can raid and who will tell you that yes, you do look fat in that dress.  Here are some tips to help nurturing your special relationship from sheknows.com:

1) Be her #1 fan

Support your best friend in all that she does. Feel happy for her when she succeeds, and carry her through when she hits her roadblocks. Talk her up positively to other people and keep her in your thoughts. Look for her size when you’re shopping. When you see something out in the universe that reminds you of her, send her a text to let her know. This will instantly bring a smile to her face.

2) You, you, you

Even though your best friend loves you and wants to know all the dish on you, it can’t be “me me me” all the time. One of the most important attributes of a best gal pal is her ability to listen. Learn to become singularly focused on her, asking her questions about her situation instead of sharing your experiences. Let her ramble even when she is being repetitive; keep your mouth shut and your heart open, always.

Moving in with your boyfriend: How Soon Is Too Soon?

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3) Be there when life bites her in the booty

Being the BFF when times are good is easy, but showing up when her life is sucking is crucial. We know you’re busy, but take a moment to call or show up at her door. The gesture will speak volumes. Although you may not have all the right words, right away, your presence alone will be the comfort she needs. Just show up ready and willing (without judgment) to give her whatever she needs, be it recovery from a cheating boyfriend or job search help after getting pink slipped.

4) Challenge her

A good friend is unafraid to challenge her friend’s actions, especially when they seem risky. There’s a fine line between challenging her ideas and telling her what to do, however. Be careful that you stay on the side of provocative debate without crossing into mom territory. Otherwise, she may not want to share with you in the future.

Click here for more

Dating resolutions for 2010 that you should keep

There is something about the way these people talk, we have met one–a liar! They have the best stories and most of them could be novelist the way that they carefully craft the details of their life in an effort to, I guess be more interesting. You are intrigued by the lifestyle and taken in by the interesting and exciting, new person in your world. But do not allow yourself to be pulled into their universe because that road only leads to disappointment.

A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right , according to truthaboutdeception.com

Tiger’s Wife To Give Him The Boot!

There were signs that this was not an honest person but you weren’t paying attention so here is a recap.

1. No stories are too elaborate: Look, most people have elaborate things happen to them occasional, but no one but ‘Sasha Fierce’ has a fabulous life all of the time. These people never really connect the dots and/or introduce you to “key players” in their skims because all of this is a figment of their imagination.

2. They get annoyed if you ask questions: When people volunteer information, then you ask questions to clarify and they seem bothered– that’s a red flag. When someone is telling the truth they will answer questions willingly.

3. There is no one who can verify this “truth”: If a person never has an alibi for whatever story they have made up. Just walk away because a liar will never stop!

5 Questions To Ask If You Suspect He’s Cheating

Check out the hottest celeb pics on the net:

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With these types of women by your side, you’ll be able to weather any storm and rise to any challenge.  Here are three types of friends you’d be lucky to have from shine.com:

1. The Cheerleader

Who she is: Whether she’s an old pal or someone you just met, her hallmark is her glass-half-full outlook.

Why you need her: Who couldn’t stand a little rah-rah from time to time? This kind of friend is like a sunny spring day. You feel lighter and happier being with her. Not only can she bolster your mood, she’s also the one to nudge you toward something you want to try—applying for a new job, getting a new hairdo—that you might otherwise fear.

5 friends you should have on the job

2. The Advice-Giver

Who she is: A colleague, a mentor, your mother—or just the smartest, most even-keeled person you’ve ever met—who’s the best advice-giver you know.

Why you need her: She’s the wise one. Nothing shocks or surprises her, and no matter what you come to her with, she won’t judge you. Instead, she’ll be there for you—after the breakup, when you’re shopping for a new home—with steady, smart counsel.

Gayle on Oprah: “If We Were Gay, We Would Tell You”

3. The Oldest/Childhood Friend

Who she is: The one who’s known you since junior-high sleepovers, if not since you were both in diapers.

Why you need her: Quite simply, because she gets you. You don’t have to explain yourself to your oldest friends. She knows where and how you grew up, knows your parents and siblings, and gets the references to schoolteachers or hometown hangouts. Plus she tolerates your, shall we say, quirks, such as your frequent lateness or your sarcastic humor.

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Take a look at the hottest celeb pics on the net

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1) Your friend is jealous of you. Jealousy is different than envy and the first can be very toxic for the relationship. Jealousy is: “I want what you have and I want you dead or disappeared.” Envy is just: “I want what you have.” A jealous friend will want to cut you out of her life because she really wants what you have and can’t stand to be around you anymore. An envious friend will want what you have, but will look to you as her inspiration or role model, and compete with you to get in the lead.

2) Your friend is a “doormat“: It’s tiring to always be with someone who is so malleable.

5 bad habits that ruin good relationships

3) Your friend wasn’t there for you. It’s sometimes hard to see if a friend is really a true pal until there is a life-changing moment in your life that requires the person’s support. This eye-opening event is called The Inciting Incident, which is when everything is going along fine, until wham! someone gets sick, or loses their job, or gets married or loses a loved one, and you find that the friend you thought would be by your side isn’t there for you at all. She doesn’t celebrate your good news nor does she help you in times of need. For some women it takes an “inciting incident” to finally notice that a friend is toxic.

4) Your friend is draining you: You feel you’re psychologically and emotionally giving all your energy to her and receiving nothing in return.

5) You don’t share the same values or the same world view: It’s a red flag that this isn’t the right friend for you if you don’t respect her for who she is. I interviewed a woman who wished her friend’s husband ill. It made the married woman realize that her friend’s behavior is nothing like her own.

Is it time to end the friendship?

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Guys always ask, why do women fake orgasms and to be honest I can only think of one reason. We are scared to hurt the guys feelings or confront the situation at all. There maybe a few reasons for this: you are a prude, you are a protector of feelings, you don’t know how to bring it up, etc. Whatever the reason, women all over are not getting satisfied because they will not speak up.

Guys Need To Speak Up, Too!

The benefits of speaking up outweigh the fear by leaps and bounds. If you don’t want to take my word for it, picture a world with a bunch of sexually unaware men. If there was never that brave woman who spoke up and said “honey, you are doing it all wrong,” all the women who were sexually active after her would not have had the pleasure they received by the man who now knew what he was doing.

Next time you are getting ready for a steamy session between the sheets, remember to thank the brave women who spoke up before you. Also, if you aren’t getting what you want, find the courage to speak up yourself. What is the worst that could happen?

Tameka Foster’s BFF Spoke Up For Her!

Another example is work, how would you ever get the raise you deserve or become where you wanted to be if you did not speak up. The women who are the most powerful in business are the ones who are not scared to make demands and see them through. Women always fear aggression, but it actually helps you out.

Finally, think how many times you are scared to say how you really feel about something, “does this make me look fat?” If you answer yes, you probably feel bad, but I would rather have only you see me looking fat, rather than an entire crowd of people. There are times when you will get upset with roommates, family, and even friends but are scared to say how you really feel or what is bothering you. I have seen too many friendships end because women won’t speak up about the mistreating.

Don’t let this happen to your friendship!

Therefore, I beg my fellow women to stop the silence. Speak up for how you feel. You deserve to live life happy, not unhappy and silent! So speak up!

This makes sense for a few reasons.

1. Girls have caught on to the Wingman.

2. Females feel more comfortable talking to another female.

3. The unsuspecting female feels no pressure at first.

4. For some reason people are always more attracted to what they can’t have.

However, the are some things to look out for.

1. The most obvious is the unsuspecting woman may assume the couple is together.

2. When the unsuspecting woman finds out she may feel cheated.

Have you been the victim of a Wingwoman? Have you ever been a Wingwoman?

Check Out What Being Just Friends Can Teach You!

Wingwoman waiting to happen!

Was Rihanna Being Drake’s Wingwoman?

The first thing I learned when I was very little is that when a girl enters the “friend zone” she will be treated like a friend, out goes the lessons moms everywhere try to teach their little boys. I remember a specific incident when I was five with my best friend, he was upset at losing at a game so he took a plastic tube and smacked me across the face with it. This was no Chris Brown like beat down, but I can honestly say that was my first “friend zone” surprise.

Is It Time To End The Friendship?

The surprises certainly didn’t end there. When I was in High School and college I got my second “friend zone” lesson: men are gross. One day at a basketball game a bunch of guys and myself were enjoying the game when the topic of conversation turned to something I never thought would be talked about in a females presence, male pubic hair. That day I learned how often, what technique was used, and all the ins and outs of shaving the male pubic region.

A few years later I went to visit a male friend at college and got another lesson. When I walked in on Wednesday the fraternity house was a complete mess. I am talking dried milk spills on the floor, garbage piled in the stairwells, empty Solo cups in the hallways kind of mess. I was disgusted to say the least. Over the next two days the house underwent a transformation. Friday is when the girls come and the house that I saw on Friday was not the same that I saw Wednesday. Friday there was a smell of Lysol, no garbage in sight, and the house was completely put together. I was lucky enough to see the organized attack these boys had, too.These boys had a plan of attack more intense than some battle plans. For those unsuspecting women who came Friday, they had no idea what kind of pigs they were really dealing with, which I am sure is just how those boys wanted to keep it. The milk they were putting on their cereal came from the same jug a guy drank straight from just days earlier. When a man wants to impress a woman, he does some crazy things.

Are You Keeping It To Real?

Everything I learned in the friend zone was not bad or surprising, though. I learned that “just friends” works. My best friend and I have been such for almost a decade and it works just fine for us. We both know that we can go to each other with anything and have been through a lot together. I was the one there when he was having family problems, he was the one there when I watched multiple family members leave us. I have seen him in his most vulnerable state and he has seen me at my worst, but through it all we remain good friends.

My friends also taught me the loyalty that male friends have. When one of our friends was a little too intoxicated and started a fight, though the rest of the group thought he was wrong, they still had his back. Under no circumstances have I seen one of my male friends leave his friend without help. I have gone through many female friends in my life, but my most loyal friends are my guy friends.

Overall, being in the “friend zone” has given me an insight on men that is pretty unique. I am not saying that all men are like mine or that what I have discovered is always true. I just know that when I see a group of guys sitting around talking or visit a guys house on the weekend I never have thought of it the same.

Girl or Girlfriend?

Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”?

When “Just Friends” Doesn’t Work…

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Kim Kardashian and La La Vasquez went shopping this week in Beverly Hills. The real story is the very fashionable outfits they were wearing, though. Take a look at the outfits…

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La La loses her cool!

La La poses for the NBA wives photoshoot!

See when La La, Kim K, and Ciara’s friendship started!

Kim K at the AXE launch party!

Why is it so important to have that talk, though? If a “relationship” is going along at a steady clip and everyone seems happy, why disrupt a good thing? The answer is quite simple, eventually one of the partners is going to look to take that relationship to the next level and if the other partner doesn’t see it that way there will be problems. Nothing sets me off like one of my girlfriends saying “We are…whatever,” when talking about their relationship. If you don’t know what you are or even if you are in a relationship, of course there will be problems.

The DTR talk allows people to save months of wondering and debating what will come. Also, by setting the goals straight away it could save the heartbreak of finding out your dream man sees you as a friend with benefits. If both partners have the same expectations the only problems should come if one person readjusts their expectations. I am not saying you will have the perfect relationships just by defining your expectations, however it will at least save you that stress.

Have you ever had the DTR talk? Let us know how it went!

Where is the line between “keepin it real” and being hurtful? When does a person stop being honest and start being hurtful? I think most of us can agree that fakeness isn’t exactly uncommon in today’s world. It is for this reason that being honest, even if not everyone will react positively, is a virtue. But most of us are also familiar with a phenomenon I’ll call “keepin it too real”. If you or someone you know can relate to most of the following list, it may be a case of keepin it too real:

1. Do your family and/or friends frequently ask you, “Why would you say that?” Obviously, there are people who are unable to take any kind of criticism. But if your opinions constantly cause others to react in surprise and anger, you might want to consider what you are being so honest about.

2. Do you ever ask yourself why you’re telling someone information? I think most of us can agree that informing a friend that her man is being unfaithful or that a dress she’s trying on does nothing for her are examples of (usually) constructive honesty. But what about telling someone that her man kind of reminds you of Steve Urkle? Is that just being “real”?

Is it time to end the friendship? Read more here.

3. Do you have a “That’s just how I am, deal with it” attitude regarding your personality? If so, one question you might ask yourself is if you believe every part of a person’s personality is perfect. What about the idea that part of life is about learning about yourself and improving who you are? If you realize that your brutal honesty is alienating you from others, maybe that could be an area of yourself to evaluate.

Improve yourself, improve your credit!

What do you think, hello beautiful?? When does keepin it real go wrong?

Breaking up is hard to do. And no, I’m not just talking about from a romantic relationship. Why is it that a lot of us women won’t (or say we won’t) tolerate disrepectful behavior from men, but continue to deal with toxic friendships? No matter the excuses that we continue to make to ourselves and others, sometimes enough is really enough!!

Here are some “friends” that belong in the enemy category:

1. The “why bother” friend: This friend claims to miss us, but never bothers to make plans with us or always cancels at the last minute. This person is into the friendship only when it is convienent for them-forget about them making any kind of effort for you.

Forget a toxic friend and expand your mind instead

2. The “I just keep it real” friend: This friend always has a “joking” insult or comment to put you in your place. They often justify their cruelty by saying things like “I’m sorry, I’m just honest” or by being annoyed that you can’t “take a joke.”

3. The “vampire” friend: After being around this friend, you may feel emotionally or even physically drained. This friend has more drama than the Lifetime Movie Network in their life and you always seem to be dragged right into it.

Do something healthy instead

4. The “classic two faced” friend: Some of us have had the pleasure of having our secrets spilled or our man taken by this “friend.”  Women often justify toxic friendships by the amount of time they’ve known their friend, but tolerating a two faced person for any amount of time is a recipe for resentment and sadness.

What do you think, hello beautiful? What are some more signs that it’s a wrap with a friend?

Can men have friendships with women that are nonsexual in nature? Even with the best intentions, being friends with someone of the opposite sex can be filled with challenges and fuzzy areas that–if not handled correctly–can doom a relationship before it even really begins.

Check out the video below and tell us what you think: