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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My name is Aliccia, and I want to follow my dreams of becoming an actress, but my parents think otherwise. I have had this passion ever since I was a kid, and this is really something I want to do. How do I choose between following my dreams and not disappointing my parents? I would really appreciate it! Thanks. – A Dreamer

Dear Ms. A Dreamer,

Girl, in the words of Tamar Braxton – “Get your life!” Honey, you better go and pursue your dreams and live your life. IT’S YOUR LIFE! NO ONE CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE BUT YOU! And, no one can make decisions for how you should live your life but you.

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No one can tell you or advise you about following your dreams because they don’t understand your dream, and it’s not their dream!!! It was giving to you for a reason. It was placed in your heart because God knew you could do it. So, how dare someone tell you what you can and cannot do? Follow your dreams. Do them big, and enjoy the journey.

Honey, let me tell you something, if I would have listened to all the folks who tried to tell me to get a “real” job, because working in the entertainment industry wasn’t a “real” job, then I wouldn’t be here today. All I ever wanted to do was work in the entertainment industry. And, I sacrificed everything to make my dream a reality. Despite listening to friends, and family members when I graduated from college I moved to Los Angeles, and New York to pursue my dreams. And, BA-BY, the gamble paid off. Yes, it was rough, and many times I questioned myself, but I did it. I have worked with Spike Lee, Rob Reiner, Keenan Ivory Wayans and the Wayans family, and a host of other celebrities, as well as for B.E.T. and MTV. And, then I had the nerve to write books, and tour across the country speaking at colleges and universities. I followed my dreams despite of what those folks told me. I followed my dreams and did what I wanted to do because I knew it was something God had given me, and how dare I not be courageous, and fearless when I have God on my side? As the scripture states, God didn’t give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. So, be fearless, bold, and courageous.

And, yes, I understand your parent’s position because they feel and think that pursuing a career as an actress is unstable, especially being in an industry where people try to take advantage of you, and I’m sure they’ve heard all the salacious and scandalous stories about those who struggle trying to pursue a career as an actor. But, honey, that’s any job. There are folks who will try to take advantage of you in any career – Lawyer, doctor, teacher, engineer, or whatever. People are people, and there are just as many scandalous and salacious people in those industries as well. Also, people struggle in those careers as well. They don’t become doctors overnight. They don’t become lawyers overnight, and certainly do not start making money until later in life.

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But, they are your parents and want the best for you. However, you have to let them know that you know what’s best for you. They lived their lives. They did what they wanted to do, and if they love you, and have raised you with morals and values, then they have nothing to fear or worry about.

I say talk with them and devise a plan. Come up with a 2, 3, and 5 year plan. Tell them to let you go and explore your passion, and see what it’s like. Hell, you may not even like it and change your mind. But, at least go and discover the world of acting before giving up on it. And, a 2, 3, or 5 year plan will give you the time to get your footing and establish yourself. Just like any career it takes time to develop who you are, and become a professional in the field. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’ve got to work at it, and keep working at it. Hell, it took me over 5 years just to get myself established in the entertainment business. But, that was my experience. Hell, I have friends and it has taken them longer, but they didn’t give up on their dreams. And, as an author/writer, it took me another 5 years to solidify myself as a bon-a-fide author and writer. But, I invested in it and went back to school. I studied the craft of writing. And, that is what you will have to do. Study your craft. Keep learning and growing so that you can become the best.

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So, let your parents know that you have a dream. Don’t be dream killers or dream stealers. Let you explore what’s burning inside you. Let you explore this passion that you can’t let die. One thing you don’t want to become is an older bitter person who is mad at the world because you didn’t pursue your dreams. There are so many people sitting at their desks right now who are mad and angry because they didn’t take the chance, or they gave up on their dreams because they allowed someone to talk them out of it. Can someone who is not an actor advise you on being an actor, or the craft of acting? Can someone who is not a teacher advise you on being a teacher, or how to be a teacher? No, they cannot. So, follow your dreams, and we look forward to seeing you on the big screen. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

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Step 1

Purchase fitness DVDs or videos that you can do on your own time, at your own pace, suggests UK newspaper “The Independent.” If fitness videos seem like too large of an investment, or you get bored with routines easily, try borrowing fitness DVDs from your library. It’s a good way to test drive different programs to find out which you like best, and you don’t need to feel embarrassed like you might at a group class at the gym.

Step 2

Exercise with family. You might head to the backyard to kick around a soccer ball, or engage in a family water fight–these are easy ways to keep fit, but to also help your family stay fit. Make a commitment together to participate in healthy habits around the house, like eating healthier snacks, doing push-ups during television commercials, or swapping computer time for fitness time each day.

Visualize your way to losing weight

Step 3

Make your own fitness equipment from things you commonly find around your home. Dumbbells are expensive, but you can lift a gallon of milk or a large can of beans instead. Fill containers with water for resistance exercises, or invest in a pull-up bar that can be placed on a door frame so you don’t miss out on beneficial weight training activities.

GET MORE TIPS HERE

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7 new moves to tone your tummy

I’ve read one of your comments on, “My Husband Baby Mother Is Getting On My Nerves.” Loved, loved, loved your insight and honesty, therefore I have a question.

My husband’s family, particularly a female cousin, is bothering me. It seems like she wants her cousin in some kind of incest, or something. LOL! She texts me only if she can’t reach him, and confuses my messages and complains to my husband about me. She is over 40-years old, lonely, no man, and recently she doesn’t talk to me.

We missed her birthday party because we had another engagement. I asked her when was over and she never replied. I apologized many times, but I am not in the ass kissing business. I’ve offered to take her to dinner. She ignores me. She calls my husband crying saying, “You’re gonna believe her over me.”

I threw a party for my stepdaughter and she didn’t come. I don’t know her exact words, but she didn’t come because it was my house. Well, duh, it’s her favorite cousin’s house also. SMH! Anywho, I’m trying to avoid her at all costs, but I might see her in two weeks. I don’t feel like doing the hello kiss-kiss on both cheeks with her. FYI, I’ve seen her after her birthday at a Super Bowl party and it looked like she wasn’t gonna say anything, or she was waiting to see if I would approach her. Anywho, I might smile and meet and greet other people in the family, but I don’t really wanna kiss her hello, just a hello and wave. What should I do? – Tired Of My Husband’s Cousin

Dear Ms. Tired Of My Husband’s Cousin,

Uhm, sweetie, if you’re not in the ass kissing business then stop dropping to your knees and puckering your lips. Freak her! Let her throw her temper tantrums and act out like a little ass kid. You’ve extended the olive branch many times, and, yet she continues to want to act like a bish, so treat her like a bish. She is a non-mofo factor! She’s insignificant. Don’t let her affect your life. Chile, puhlease. I wish I would let some insignificant trifling heifer get under my skin. You better getoverher.com. And ,as a matter of fact just ignore her ass.

She is a silly ass woman, and I can’t stand grown ass women who act like little ass girls. You and your husband missed her birthday party due to a previous engagement, but she’s mad at you and won’t speak with you. Then you invite her to your stepdaughter’s birthday party and she doesn’t show up because she says it’s your house??!! Really!? Really! So, because she has a problem with you she is going to take it out on the stepdaughter, her own family member. It’s obvious she is not operating with a fool deck. Pull the hoe’s card and put that bish in her place.

Then she has the nerve to text you looking for your husband?!? Oh, no ma’am! The next time she texts you looking for YOUR husband, then you respond and tell her, “Look heifer, if you can’t speak to me or talk to me like a woman, then stop texting me looking for my husband.” And, those messages she is sending to your husband complaining about you, which you think she is confusing and sending them to you. Chile, I hate to break it to you, but she is not that dumb. She is not confusing the messages. She is sending them to you intentionally. She wants you to see them. She’s trying to act sly and naïve. If she wants to play that game, then let’s play. If she sends another ‘confusing’ message, call her up and read it back to her, and then let her know if she has some issue with you then speak up. This is her chance to get whatever is bothering her off her chest. And, if she doesn’t have anything to say, you simply let her know, “We’re both grown ass women.

This isn’t high school! I don’t have time to play childish ass elementary games. So, I’m letting you know that you don’t ever have to speak to me. You don’t even have to like me. But, you will respect me. And, I’ll be damned if you’re going to call, text, and send messages to my husband complaining about me. Leave him out of it.”

If you two can’t talk and communicate about whatever issue is going on, then I’m going to put both of you in separate corners and make you face the wall. UGH! She’s over 40-years old, with no man, and lonely. HELLO!!!!! And, she’s calling your husband and complaining to him about you. SMDH! Smack that woman upside her damn head and see if that will rattle her brain and knock some sense into it. Why is she putting your husband in the middle of her issue with you? Oh yeah, you did state that you feel that she may have some “feelings” for your husband. Watch her! Don’t sleep on your instincts. As a matter of fact, trust them.

Look, don’t worry about seeing her in the upcoming weeks at an event. Kill the hoe with kindness, and keep doing you. Let her suck her teeth, bitch, complain, and act out all she wants. As long as she keeps your name out of her mouth, and doesn’t step out of pocket with you and says something slick out of her mouth toward you, then keep it moving. She doesn’t make you or break you. She doesn’t pay the bills in your home, nor is she putting food on your table, or sleeping with you at night. So, treat her like the wretched street common asshole that she is acting like. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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This was me two years ago. I was infuriated and on the cusp of popping back with something unbelievably disrespectful, but thankfully I kept my thoughts to myself.  For one, I knew she might have a point. And two, even though I could probably argue she too had gained a pound or ten, I had been raised with all kinds of home training, and saying anything about her weight would have been out of the question.

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The truth is—I was hurt. Hurt because like so many of us, I still want to impress my family. After all these years, they’re approval still matters most.

Why is that? Why is it so important that we still have their approval?

I’ve concocted two theories, neither of which are grounded in empirical studies, though I’m sure I could uncover some supporting data. Nonetheless – here they are. For one, I think we want to affirm our parents parental efforts. They worked hard as parents and sacrificed on countless occasions. The least we can do is to come home as shinning examples of their (literal) blood, sweat, and tears. We want our parents to know that they didn’t fail. The numerous weekends they spent at our soccer games, dance recitals, or the carpools to after-school programs paid off.  “Look Mama —I made it, and so did you!”

Secondly, in some weird way, perhaps we will always want their affirmation. We were raised wanting to please them, so why should that suddenly change with age? With the same enthusiasm we had running into the kitchen to announce we had made the honor roll, we’ll want to return home for Thanksgiving with an attractive mate, flat stomach and impressive job. Their continued affirmation lets us know we’re on the right path. And after all, couldn’t we all still use some guidance? When it comes down to it, some of us are still the fifth graders who want to hear our family say, “We’re so proud of you!”

We will always need our family’s support. We need them to encourage our healthy eating habits, or to question the latest guy we’re dating.  As many of us begin to start our own families, let’s hope we too can set examples that are worth our children’s life long admiration.

Jovian Zayne is a writer, photographer and occasional radio co-host in New York City.  Read more from Jovian on her personal blog Word Up Haay! Join her on twitter via @jovizi for laughs, encouragement and your daily dose of quick wit.
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I’ve only ever introduced one boyfriend to the family and after he turned out to be the Freddy Kruger of love I vowed to never let another lover surface until I was certain that this was a sure thing. After learning that a family member had recently emerged from a physically abusive marriage, my aunt said that the best way to avoid getting into a situation like theirs was to stay close to your family.

She went on to explain that if a man or woman (men get abused too) knows that there is a strong family presence in the potential victim’s life; their chances of trying to control would be less likely.

I thought about it for a second before replying with, “True Story”. See, Freddy was physically abusive for a short period of time in our on and off again relationship. I was young, bewildered, and a sucker for love, or what I thought was love.

I pushed away family and wanted nothing to do with them during this time. I offended all who tried to help me, but it all finally caught up to me. In the end I sauntered on back and was accepted with open arms. I know this does not apply to everyone, as most abusers are charming and manipulative and your family could think that everything is ok, but there’s no denying that a healthy relationship with family is reflective of our relationships with self and others.

Admittedly I’ve never been as close to family as I am now. I’ve always felt out of place or felt that I didn’t belong, and even at some points convinced myself that I must’ve been adopted. As invasive as our family can be at times, I believe that their prodding and poking around is only for the best. I’m still not bringing anyone around who isn’t 100% legit, but I’m also not planning on involving myself with anyone who isn’t 100% legit.

How involved is your family in your relationships?

Do you bring the people you are involved with around your family? If so is there a certain criteria for doing so?

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About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

Step 1

Purchase fitness DVDs or videos that you can do on your own time, at your own pace, suggests UK newspaper “The Independent.” If fitness videos seem like too large of an investment, or you get bored with routines easily, try borrowing fitness DVDs from your library. It’s a good way to test drive different programs to find out which you like best, and you don’t need to feel embarrassed like you might at a group class at the gym.

Step 2

Exercise with family. You might head to the backyard to kick around a soccer ball, or engage in a family water fight–these are easy ways to keep fit, but to also help your family stay fit. Make a commitment together to participate in healthy habits around the house, like eating healthier snacks, doing push-ups during television commercials, or swapping computer time for fitness time each day.

Visualize your way to losing weight

Step 3

Make your own fitness equipment from things you commonly find around your home. Dumbbells are expensive, but you can lift a gallon of milk or a large can of beans instead. Fill containers with water for resistance exercises, or invest in a pull-up bar that can be placed on a door frame so you don’t miss out on beneficial weight training activities.

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1. Plan outdoor activities
Set aside one day a weekend to do something active as a family: swimming in the summer, sledding or hiking in the winter, or biking in the spring and fall. Taking along a picnic lunch-and splurging on some healthy snacks after a good workout-will help the day go by without a complaint.

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2. Take classes together
Ask around at fitness clubs and community centers in your area about yoga or aerobics classes offered to parents and kids together. If your little one is too young to participate, look for classes that help you burn calories with your baby by incorporating them into your yoga moves or pushing them along during stroller workouts. No kids? Check out partner yoga or even “doga”-yup, yoga for you and your dog.

3. Redo your family room
Too often, family rooms are the center of laziness in a home: a comfy couch, a video-game console, a shelf full of DVDs, and nothing to encourage fitness or physical activity. There are ways to add in subtle reminders, however, without overhauling your entire room or dragging in a giant piece of workout equipment. Set a time limit on weekly television and incorporate these Skinny House essentials to keep your whole family moving.

To read more tips about staying active with your family, click here!

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1. Unplug and shut down

As parents and professionals we are constantly wired. Allow home to be the electronic-free zone. Shut down your mobile device and have conversations with your spouse and children. When the kids see that mom and dad can lock up the Blackberry there’s less argument when you ask them to unplug the PlayStation or turn off their own cell phone.

2. Visit your local park and have a picnic

With warmer weather approaching there’s no excuse to not pack up the car with your family’s favorite foods and head to the local park. Grab a Frisbee or football while you’re at it. By removing yourself from the house, there’s no temptation to turn on the television or check your Facebook profile on the laptop.

3. Go for ice cream

When was the last time you broke the rules and grabbed a cone with the kids before dinner? Not only will you earn a little parent points from your children but you may enjoy sitting outside and indulging in a sweet treat with great company and conversation.

4. Have a date night

It seems ridiculous to schedule a date night with your partner but between the office and running a household it becomes necessary or it will never happen. Enjoying time away from the kids should be a guilt-free evening for parents to put themselves first, have an opportunity to listen to one another without breaking up fights, and even remind yourself what first attracted you to one another and led you start a family. Remember to turn off your cell phones and keep the conversation about the kids to a minimum. Tonight you’re his girlfriend, not the mother of his children.

5. Play together

You don’t have to be an arts and crafts teacher to accomplish this task. Simply find something that can involve the entire family. Finishing a puzzle, playing a board game or even setting up a chalkboard in the kitchen with a weekly game of hangman or a riddle are all simple non-expensive ways for the whole family to get involved and have fun.

6. Show love towards one another

It may come easy for some, but it’s a task for others. A simple kiss or expression of love can make a difference to a spouse before they’re off to work or before dropping off the children at school. In addition, it’s healthy for children to see their parents express positive emotions towards one another.

7. Eat meals together

If your house is anything like mine, eating together as a family can be challenging. Work schedules and homework can make grabbing a quick meal from your local fast food chain extremely tempting. It also robs you of the chance to have a conversation with your family and keep an open line of communication.

8. Ask family for support

Don’t look to extended family members only when you need a baby sitter. Grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc. can offer valuable, knowledgeable advice from child-rearing to how to keep a marriage strong even during hard times.

9. Pray together

My son is only two and while he can’t say the Lord’s Prayer, he knows how to say ‘Amen’ excitedly. A prayer in the morning or evening reminds us to be thankful for what really matters, especially when the stress of the real world is constantly knocking at our door.

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Ok, I know you like your stories short, so I’m gonna keep it that way.

I’ve known my step sister for six years and at one time her and I were BFF’s. Well, about a year ago I slept with her “cuddy buddy” and after a while I came flat out and told her. At first, him and I only had sex once but kept our friendship. Last September she found out she’s pregnant and she thinks it’s his. He and I are now together and he wants nothing to do with her. This is now her baby’s dad, and her and I are back on speaking terms and I don’t want to end it with him, but I still want to be cool with her. What do I do? Between A Rock And A Hard Place

“He Wanted Me  Before & He Wasn’t My Type. Now He’s Back Years Later”

Dear Ms. Between A Rock And A Hard Place,

Clears throat, stands, and rips open the envelope: “And, the award for trifling-hot-mess-ghetto-hood-rat-behavior goes to (drum roll) … wait for it…wait for it.”

I, and nor does my readers, don’t have time for hood and project silliness. I’m not going to answer you directly because I’m going to hurt your feelings, so I’m going to address this letter, but not you per se. Because I know you don’t know any better.

Who the “F” sleeps with their own family member’s man? What type of woman will sleep with a man who is going between two women in the same family? What bird, yes I said bird, will stoop so low and get into a relationship with a man who is just as trifling to sleep with a family member, and then impregnate her and say he wants nothing to do with her? Are you that dumb for d**k?

I’m going to drop you off at the corner at Dumb Street and Stupid Boulevard. Don’t worry, a yellow bus is going to pull up. Just get on and put your helmet on, it has your name written on it, “Special.”

Chile, if the saying ain’t never been true, “You can take the chick out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the chick.” SMDH!

This is why castration, tube tying, and the welfare system needs to have baby limits. And, they need to throw in a few moral clauses – if you are family members, and or related in any fashion, and one or both of you become pregnant by the same man, then you are not eligible to receive benefits. You cannot even think about it, or attempt to fill out the application. You can’t step foot in the social services offices, hell, they will block your number so that you can’t call and get through to ask a dumb ass question.

If the boy, because he’s not a man, impregnates your stepsister and then gets in a relationship with you, and he tells you that he doesn’t want anything to do with her, then guess what that means you silly ass rabbit? It means that he doesn’t care for his own child that he helped to create and bring into this world. It means that he is not going to support his own child, nor will he be a father to the child, thus helping to keep the cycle of unwed, single parent, black woman raising the child alone, arguing with her baby daddy for child support, the child grows up fatherless, bitter, angry, hating the world, and because they have issues of “daddy done left me” syndrome, the child repeats the vicious cycle and either ends up in and out of jail, selling drugs, sexually promiscuous, having more children out of wedlock, and resenting authority figures. WHEW! That was a mouthful.

Look, Ms. Between A Rock And A Hard Place, you want to know what to do? Get out of the relationship with him. Trust and believe what he did to your stepsister, he is going to do it to you! BAM! BOOM! POW! But, you’re young dumb and stuck on d**k. So, you don’t see it and don’t think he will do it to you. Wait until that child is born, all hell is going to break loose. LMBAO! Y’all ghetto people wear me so thin, now I understand what Chris Rock meant when he said there is a difference between Black people and N****s. I do hope you will get out while you can, move on with your life, and maintain your relationship with your stepsister. I hope you will get into someone’s school, further your education, move out of the hood, and surround yourself with positive and motivating people who are empowering, inspiring, and uplifting. I hope you find a church home, get some spiritual guidance, and get to know Jesus. Because right now, your idol and god is that man and what’s between his legs. That’s what the dangers of smoking weed and drinking all day every day, and little education will do to you. Don’t you know that your stepsister’s spirit and your man’s spirit are forever linked? Sex unifies spirits. That’s why it’s hard to shake a man, or woman, after sex because your spirits become one during sex. And, whatever baggage and drama he is carrying, and she is carrying, that when they consummate during sex they exchange and unify energies. So, ultimately, whatever drama and baggage she has, and when they had sex he brought it to you, and when you had sex with him, he dumped it into you. Read a book, read a book, read a “MF’ing” book! Don’t you know that no matter what, they will always be tied together because they have a child together? Girl, in my Tyra Banks voice, “I’m rooting for you! We’re all rooting for you!” I’m done with you, and oh yeah, “And, the award for trifling-hot-mess-ghetto-hood-rat-behavior goes to YOU!” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would sleep with a family member’s boyfriend/girlfriend and then get in a relationship, and they may be expecting a child together?

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I am a 24-year old mother of one. Due to how the economy is, I lost my job a little over a year ago. So, in order to save up some money I moved back in with my mom. I’m not like some people who live with their parents. I don’t freeload. I buy groceries every month for the house and I give my mom money to pay all the utility bills and the cable and any extra she asks for that goes to any extra bills that may come up.

Now, on to why I’m writing you. In the household there is me, my baby, my mom, my grandma, and an uncle who is 61-years old, and getting on my damn nerves!!! My uncle spent most of his life in and out of jail. Every time he got out, he came back to my mom’s just to “F” up and go right back in. I guess the last time he had an epiphany and decided he wanted to do right. This was in 2007. When he was released he was only suppose to be staying in my mom’s house for a short period of time until he landed on his feet. It is now 2011 and he hasn’t went anywhere.

He never attempted to get a job. He doesn’t help around the house or contribute in any type of way. All he does is eat sleep and talk on his cell phone, that one of his friends was stupid enough to buy him!!! Me, and my mom are starting to get beyond fed up. I think my grandma is too, but she hasn’t really said anything. I am tired of him so much so that I find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from cussing him out. I’m a very outspoken person so doing that is very hard for me! Every single day he finds away to piss us off and I don’t know what to do anymore. I won’t be able to move again until the end of the year, and I definitely don’t think I can bite my tongue for that long. So, please help and let me know what we should do about our situation for our sanity and to keep me from hurting him. LOL – Ticking Time Bomb

“I Don’t Have One, But Three Men To Choose From. What Do I Do?”

Dear Ms. Ticking Time Bomb,

Girl, girl, girl! I know how you feel. A grown ass man living with his sister, momma, niece, and grand-niece. Are y’all Mexicans? That is too many damn people living in one house. And, he is the only man in the house? Oh, yeah, better you than me. I wouldn’t have a problem telling that bum to pack his –ish and get the hell out. As a matter of fact, I would have been packed his –ish and put him out. Chile, I wish I might!

But, let’s reassess the situation. He’s a man who’s been in and out of prison. SMDH! Your mother, which is his sister, allows him to stay in her home. Uhm, the truth of the matter, sweetie, is that your mom and grandma are co-dependants of his. They keep babying him, and holding his hand. Chile, boo! For real, for real they need to cut that umbilical cord and put that negro out! The man is 61-years old. COME THE F**K ON! Put his old ass out! However, they won’t because I’m sure he is used to being babied and coddled by his sister and mother. Look at the repetitive cycle. Every time he goes to jail, where does he go? Exactly! Right to your mother and his mother. They let him in with the hopes he will get it together, because like most families, and black families in particular, they hate to see a brother down and out. Chile, miss me! Tell that negro to kick rocks with his Gladiator sandals. They are going to have to stop breast feeding him and tell him to man up! He’s 61-years old!!!!

And, who the hell bought him a cell phone? That “MF” needs their ass beat. How are you going to buy a grown-ass-non-working-ain’t-got-nothing-lazy-trifling-good-for-nothing-bum a cell phone? What the hell he got to talk about? Who the hell is he calling? Girl, he needs to be calling places of employment, and rooming houses for a place to live. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!

Look, Ms. Ticking Time Bomb, unfortunately there is nothing you can do. It’s not your house. It’s your mom’s home. If you say something to him, it will cause a riff and huge argument and he will throw it up in your face that, like him, you are living in the house as well. Despite the fact that you contribute and go above and beyond, he doesn’t see the situation from your vantage point. He is the victim. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing. And, that’s like trying to get a drug-addict to admit they are a drug-addict, or any of these women who write in to me asking for advice but don’t see their contribution to the matter. They are the victims. Your mom and grandma are going to have to step to him and say something. Your mom is going to have to put her foot down and say, “Look, it’s time for you to go. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, but today. I want you out of my house, NOW!” Until then, here is the plan, and it’s a devious plan. LMBAO! Stop buying groceries for the house. Instead, lock your food up in your room, your mom’s room, and grandma’s room. Empty the refrigerator and clean it out!! Do you hear me? Clean that M*****RF****R. Stop feeding his big ass. And, stop paying the bills and let the lights get turned off. Oh, yeah, turn the cable off, too. LMBAO! Yeah, that will get him. Trust me, I bet his Black ass will bounce then. Or, better yet, the next time he leaves, pack his –ish and put it outside. Change the locks on the door, and leave his ass outside. However, I’m curious as to where the men are in your family? Why haven’t you, and your mom, expressed to them what’s going on and how you want your uncle out of the house? Tell them to come over and remove him, and I mean if it comes to fist-to-cuffs then let them handle it. Chile, I still don’t get why this senior citizen who ain’t got nothing is freeloading off his family? Yeah, your mother is a good one. But, in the meantime, you need to be saving your coins and hurry up and move the hell up out of that situation before you catch a case. Chile, I don’t want any letters from you from the ____________ Correctional Facility. And, I ain’t accepting no collect calls. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you have allowed someone to live with you and they didn’t contribute to the household, and you wanted them out of your house?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My husband of 10 years is 9 years younger than I am.  Neither one of my children are his, yet he’s helped raise them. The problem is he has these times when he talks down to them, instead of teaching, and he’s talking about them in one way or the other. We get into it about this all the time. For example, my husband took the oldest to look at a car. The oldest took the car for a test drive, and the car broke down on him. My husband got worried and went looking for him. He found him at a store, not far away with the hood up and he was trying to troubleshoot what was wrong with the car. My husband got upset and got in my son’s face cussing and using the F-word with him. My son called me and was upset, and my husband was upset. I couldn’t do anything because I was on the phone and not there. I told him he didn’t handle that correctly. He’s the adult and he is supposed to set the tone and lead by example. It wasn’t my son’s fault that the raggedy car he test drove broke down. What’s your take? – Dealing With Step Daddy Drama

“My Husband Is A Serial Cheater, Should I Stay For Our Kids?”

Dear Ms. Dealing With Step Daddy Drama,

Tsk, tsk, tsk! Well, I think there is some resentment from your husband. Think about it. He has come into a marriage with an already made family. Yes, he has helped to raise your kids, but has he accepted them as his own? There is a difference. So, with that, there could be some underlying resentment because the children are yours with another man, and your husband may feel like an outsider. Yes, 10 years later, he still may feel as if he is not getting the respect, admiration, and love from you or the kids.

You didn’t mention if he had other kids, or any with you, but if not, then it explains a whole hell of a lot. Look how you stated he speaks to them, and about them. That is a tell-tale sign of someone who harbors some anger or bitterness. When he looks at them he doesn’t see himself. They are reminders of the man you were with before him. And, you and your kids have a bond he can’t come between or be a part of. His blood is not running through their veins. Thus, he may feel disconnected.

But, Ms. Thing, I know there is more to this letter than you are letting on. Oh, yes, sweetie, I can see through the writing. As my grandmother would say, “Chile, there are three sides to every story. His story. Her Story. And the truth.” There is some truth mixed in your letter, but I bet any amount of money, and girl I’m not a gambling man, but if I was, I’d bet the house that his version of the story would be completely different than yours.

You are the mother. You’re going to protect your children. No man, no one, no way, and no how is going to come between you and your children. Oh, yes, darling, I’ve seen some mothers act a fool over their kids. And, I know you’ve seen them rolling their necks, waving their fingers, the other hand on their hip, screaming at the top of their lungs, “Don’t you put your hands on my child! That’s my child. I don’t care who you are. You messing with the wrong one!” Yeah, I know.

Here’s what I also caught in your letter, “we get into it about this all the time.” That statement says it all. You’re arguing with your husband, and I bet you do it in front of the kids, and thus your husband feels you’re taking their side. So, when something goes down, or something happens, the kids run to you because MOMMA is going to handle it and him.

The situation with your eldest and his stepfather taking him to look for a car, now that sounded like a great father/son outing. A moment to bond. But, then something happened, and guess what you weren’t there. But, you’re giving a blow-by-blow account of what happened, oh yeah, your son called MOMMA and told you what happened and you got on the phone and the rest is history. You see, DIVA, it sounds like you and your husband have a repeat performance every time something goes down with the kids. Yes, I’ll repeat again, there is a pattern and you’ve been doing it with your husband for 10 years. And, it all revolves around the children, YOUR children. This pattern is getting old, tired, and the reruns are quite boring and trite.

So, Ms. Dealing With Step Daddy Drama, I suggest the entire family get into family therapy. Hopefully the real issue will present itself and you will get to the root cause of why your husband feels the need to berate, belittle, and talk down to your kids instead of teaching them and lifting them up. And, you can also address why your kids put you in the middle of them and their step-father. Perhaps they don’t like him, or love him. Chile, they may resent him and only tolerate him because he’s your man. I don’t know, and neither do you, but therapy will get it all in the open. Oooohhh, I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear the –ish that comes out of his mouth, the kid’s mouths, and your mouth during that family session. Naw, I’d rather not. I’m repping team Mary J. Blige all year long, No More Drama! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you had to deal with a step-parent, along with your children?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’ll try to keep it short and simple. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALWAYS HATE THE MEN I DATE. I come from a pretty ‘middle-to-upper class’ (I hate the class system), education-oriented, well-travelled family, and as such have grown up in that environment globally.

(Un)fortunately, I am also the rebel of my family and society in general. I tend to have a keen interest and attraction to all things in the “no go”, “stay away from”, “he’s not good for you” zone, simply because I hate judging books by their covers. Thus, I have always been attracted to the bad boy. And I mean, most of the ‘thuggish’ guys I like, do not mesh into my world- AT ALL. This ‘attraction’ started at a really young age, of like 16-ish, I am 24 now. Obviously the parental units just figured I would ‘grow out of it,’ well I have not. And it’s to the point of no return. It’s not like I don’t like “the good, clean cut guy” but I mean, even when I have been attracted to guys like that, they have treated me like sh*t, worse than some of the ‘thugs.’ Not that I like being treated like sh*t, but the point I am trying to make is that, just because he has an education, lots of money, etc…doesn’t mean he’s a “good guy.” Now that’s with the family.

On the friend side… none of my friends EVER like hanging out with the guys that I like. And it is pissing me off. I just got into it with my BEST FRIEND, and she and I never fight because of this crap. I mean, I openly accept whoever they want me to meet, and make judgments later, for them. They won’t even hang out. And it makes it seem like I REALLY have no friends. I do not see myself changing any time soon. I like who I like. And it’s not like I’m dating guys that are putting my life in danger. The one I’m currently dating does not have a college degree, but is working, supporting his son, always motivates me, has a very encouraging personality, is GREAT in bed- nothing like that thug loving.  And I mean, yes, he has a past, but who doesn’t?

So here I stand, bearing it all- a 24-year old, with a honors bachelor of arts degree in 2 majors, well-travelled, hard-working sister, who loves them in blue jeans, white/black tees, gully, sometimes tatted with gangster-isms; except I see more, but no one understands that. I mean I get it- could these men give me the life I have grown up in? Probably not- but for the moment- this is MY life and I will give MYSELF that life. All I want is love, and I can’t help who I like. Am I sniffing around in the wrong kennel? – Ivy League QT

“He Has Family Day With His Ex, But I’m His Girl”

Dear Ms. Ivy League QT,

Yeah, you are a bourgeois bitch, using all them damn air quotes. I can see you now, flicking your hair behind your back, and putting up your fore-fingers to illustrate your point. Ugh! I love you, but I hate you!

Look, you seem to know what you want, and who you want it from. I love you for it. You’re smart, educated, got some sense, and seem to be enjoying life with whomever she pleases. Go on girl and knock yourself out.

But, I do understand your parents and friends concern. Yes, and as you’ve stated, the men you are attracted to and date probably cannot afford to give you the life you are accustomed. They probably cannot travel out of the country, let alone the state, with their felony records. But, I digress. The point I’m making is that your family and friends are concerned only simply because they care about you. They don’t want to see you hurt, or your life in danger, ‘cause the type of men you’re describing, chile, you better be careful going up in the hood looking for a thugged-out gangsta.

Your parents and friends want what’s best for you. But, I agree with you, only you know what’s best for you. It’s no one’s business who you date, love, and spend time with, not until it becomes emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive. Then, I would understand where they are coming from and why they are concerned.

There is a chapter in my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, very similar to your situation whereas a very wealthy friend of mines loves men who come from sordid backgrounds and with the urban and hood element. That’s just who she is and what she likes. I don’t judge her for it, nor do I make her wrong. But, I have noticed a pattern and it goes something like this – whenever they go out to fancy restaurants or she introduces them to things they’ve never done before, they generally are not interested or can’t afford to take her to those places, thus she ends up paying. If she desires to go the Hampton’s or Martha’s Vineyard, uhm, guess what, they can’t get the time off work because they are blue-collar workers, and can’t take those days off randomly as she can. Or, they don’t want to go to those bougie places because they feel out of place. Then there is dealing with baby momma drama. She is totally not into fighting, arguing, or lowering her standards to argue with Shenequa, Tanashia, or Mercedes. You get my drift? So, my friend, and I’m sure you’re the same way, will move on to the next thug guy who catches her attention.

And, I understand what you mean by getting your thug loving, trust me girl, I knows a lot about some thug loving. WHEW! I need a cold shower!

Look, Ms. Ivy League QT, I say love who you love and enjoy it, but also make sure to know what you truly desire and need. There is nothing wrong with two people, from varied backgrounds, coming together producing love and being in love. You can’t pick who you fall in love with. If only life, and love, was that simple. I think you should sit down with your friend, and without any arguing or drama, express to her what you’ve said to me. Explain to her why you feel the way you do about the men you date. Explain to her why you are attracted to thug guys with swagger, style, and gully-ness. I mean you really don’t owe anyone an explanation, but if you love your friend, and don’t want anything to come between you two, then a simple conversation would suffice. And, the man you’re currently dating seems to be a good guy. You said he motivates you, he works, has a great personality, puts it down in the bedroom, and takes care of his child, which I normally don’t advocate women without children dating men with children because of the baby momma drama, but enjoy it for now and have fun. So, drop the top on your convertible BMW and whisk your man away to the Hampton’s or Martha’s Vineyard for the weekend, and enjoy your groove! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Are you open to dating someone who your friends and family may find unacceptable?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I was married in June of this year after being with my fiancé for 5 years. I am bi-racial and he is Hispanic. Ok? The deal is his family doesn’t like me because I’m black. I speak my mind and I don’t take no shit. They go out there way to cause problems. We moved and they tell his baby mama where we are so she can ride by and be messy. Never does she stop and get out because she knows I’ll whoop her ass.

Well, our wedding was ruined. His sisters made a big scene in front of my guests. They said it was their day and not mines. They said he didn’t want to marry me. Well, my wedding wasn’t the princess wedding I wanted, it was a WWF match. I told my husband the preacher said you leave your family and cling to your wife. Am I wrong for telling him if he continues to talk to them I’m gone? – I Married Him And Not His Family

“My Boyfriend Won’t Speak To Me Because I Kissed My Ex”

Dear Ms. I Married Him And Not His Family,

Girl, I can see you now rolling your head and neck, waving your finger with the long acrylic nail, your sewn in weave pulled in a pony tail, and your Newport in your left hand. Go on girl! You tell his family. They got some MF’ing nerve causing a ruckus at your wedding, talking about it’s their day. Chile, they better back up, and I mean way the ‘F’ back!

I agree with you in which you stated that the preacher said the husband will have to leave his family and cling to his wife. You are his family now. You’re where his home is. And, his ghetto sisters with the blond highlights, and ill-fitted jeans on need to step back and go get some business. I can only imagine how your wedding day looked with them jumping up and causing a scene, and then your family jumping up. Honey, I know all hell broke loose. I know it did. I get the visual: Hair pulling, fists flying, Spanish slurs being spewed, and Black colloquiums being served. I hope your wedding was at the local Masonic Hall and not up in the church because if it was, then all of y’all are going to hell!

Your husband is going to have to be a man and step up and make the peace between you and his family. Who he loves, and who he’s with should have nothing to do with his family, but chile, you know family always wants to get all up in your business and tell you who you should date, why you shouldn’t date someone, and always instigating bull-ish. I talk about Family Drama in my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. Yes, you should get it, and buy his family copies of it as well.

Now, what I don’t understand is your angst over his baby momma knowing where you all live, and how you’re going to whoop her ass. Girl, please stop! LMAO! That’s the mother of his child. Why is he ducking and dodging her anyway? He needs to see his child and I hope he’s paying child support. You know what this whole story is a hot ghetto mess. Why am I even being bothered? Ugh. You need to slow your damn roll and encourage your husband to spend time with his child. You knew the situation before you got married, and now you’re trying to come between him and his child because you got beef with his baby momma? Girl, please spit the tobacco out your mouth and stop being a gangsta boo! Again, your husband needs to get his affairs in order and create the environment of how your living situation will be dictated. But, I get that you are running things over there. He’s just riding with the program and letting you, his family, and baby momma duke it out. Is he slow? You should get a psychological evaluation done on him.

Look, Ms. I Married Him And Not His Family, you can’t prevent him from abandoning his family. They will always be in the picture regardless of what you think, say, or do. If you keep nagging him and telling him what to do and how he can’t talk to his own family, uhm, sweetie, he is going to give you the boot before you can bounce. And, why give his family the pleasure of knowing they are getting to you? If every time they get together and they want to bash you, and engage in ghetto street warfare, then let them. You don’t have to lower your standards and get gutter with them. Leave those gutter trifling folks in the gutter. You’ve got to be the bigger woman. You’ve got to step up and let them know they are not going to dictate to you, your household, or your husband, and he has to do the same thing. If you feel you need to walk away, then girl get your gladiator wedged heels and bounce. The truth of the matter is that he is not going to stop communicating with his family. Honey, they are Hispanic. They travel in droves. They don’t abandon one another. Family is the most important thing to them, just like the Black family. Honey, I hope you did your research on the Hispanic culture, just as I hope your husband did his research on Black culture. There is a lot to be learned from both experiences, cultures, and backgrounds. There are certain things they do in the Hispanic community, which are part of their heritage, that we in the Black community do not do, and vice-versa. I feel this is the perfect opportunity to sit down with your husband, express your concerns in a calm and even tone, and don’t act ghetto, loud, and belligerent. Let him know how it makes you feel and why you feel the way you do. I am certain that if you two sat down and communicated with one another, you would be a solid team and nothing could come between you, not even his family. And, I strongly suggest you two get involved with someone’s church or spiritual institution. You’re going to need spiritual counseling and intervention to help you grow as a married couple, and that he understands that as a man, and the head of the family, what he does and how he does it will dictate the outcome of your family situation. Now, go get some Holy water and start praying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I know that you hate long letters, so I will try and keep this two year saga short. I began a sexual relationship with my uncle two years ago. I was 26-years old and he was 45-years old. He was in prison for about 18 years. I visited him every weekend from age 11 until I was about 24-years old. I believe that for a while we were in love with each other (I’ve heard the saying that you can’t help who you love, but….).

He initiated the relationship and I, knowing that I would lose my uncle and cause some major drama if I told anyone what was going on, kept it quiet. About a year in, I couldn’t take him disrespecting and using me anymore, especially lying to me about loving me. He kept lying about his feelings for me even after times he told me he just wanted to have sex with me and that he didn’t want to mess around anymore. He would always come back and say he loved me and missed me. I knew it wasn’t true, but because I still loved him in a romantic way, I allowed it. Now that was my fault.

After a big family blow-up, in which he denied the affair even happened and called me a crazy lying bitch, (which I know now that he was trying to keep his girlfriend whom he was about to have a baby with), he finally came out and said the truth about us. He apologized to me. I was hurt and upset that my favorite uncle that watched me grow up could treat me in this way and that I allowed it. I was angry. Sorry doesn’t fix everything. My family stated that my uncle and I should try and repair our relationship. Honestly, I wasn’t ready for that, and as of yet it hasn’t happened. Mainly because after that family blow-up and a 4-month or so hiatus we began seeing each other, again. He went on lying to our family and his girlfriend and to me. Telling me that no matter what he would never stop seeing me, he misses me all the time, etc. I stopped the relationship after Christmas and told him to stop calling and texting me.

My issue is that my family doesn’t know that we began again and can’t understand why I don’t want to be around him or his girlfriend, her four other kids and their baby. I know this man doesn’t care about me and I don’t believe he ever did. He did more to suit himself than he ever did to be an uncle to me. Especially, after apologizing to me and then calling me only for sex. I feel he is not my uncle and I don’t know who he is. Am I wrong for not wanting to be involved with family functions in which he will be in attendance? Is this whole thing my fault? – Division In My Family

“We’ve Been Together For 20 Years, And He’s Acting Suspicious”

Dear Ms. Division In My Family,

Girl, this is a hot ass mess! I fell off my chair and bumped my own head.

You’ve been having an intimate relationship for the past two years with your own UNCLE! A man who has been in prison for 18 years, more than half your adult life, and whom went to prison when you were 8-years old!?! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

First off, why are you engaged in a sexual relationship with a man who is your uncle? Why are you having sex with a man who has been in prison for 18 years? You state that he initiated the relationship, but at that moment you should have put your foot down and said, HELLS NAW! (In my Sophia voice from The Color Purple).

You really don’t know this man other than the occasional weekend visits to him behind bars. Honey, a man in prison has more rap game than any rapper out in the history of Hip Hop. They know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and are masters of manipulation. Yes, darling, 18 years behind bars he’s got what they call Prison Psychology. And, your uncle has a PhD in it. Baby, there is no course in any university that can compare to that psychological dissertation, and undoing the damage he’s infused in your mind will take at least 10 psychiatrist to undo.

But, I’m concerned that your dysfunctional ass backwards family learned of the relationship, and their advice was for the two of you to repair your relationship. Chile, they must all ride the short yellow bus, with your uncle as the driver. However, and regardless of what they were hoping you two would repair, they did not intervene. No one from your family suggested therapy, counseling, or even found the relationship odd and inappropriate. That, in and of itself, is horrifying to know if your family doesn’t find the relationship totally out of character.

Here is a man who has taken advantage of you, because I feel he started working on you when you were young, and unconsciously you didn’t know it. I am sure there were moments during your 18 year visits to him in prison when he made inappropriate comments, suggestive remarks, and advances. Those gestures were a set-up and his manipulation of you, and sweetie, you fell for it hook line and sinker. Yes, yes, yes, you were being worked and gamed probably around the time you started developing as a teenager and into a woman. When the time was ripe, and you were ready, he plucked and picked you as a ripe Georgia peach.

Girl, you seriously need to be in counseling and therapy because unbeknownst to you, you have been psychologically manipulated. I say this because you don’t, or didn’t feel the relationship you engaged in was inappropriate or out of character. It says a lot about you as a person to engage in a relationship with your own family member, as well as a man who has spent 18 years in prison, and not only have an intimate relationship with him, but he has another entire relationship with a woman who is pregnant, and he denies his involvement with you when confronted. Whew! Chile, he has manipulated everyone around him. He manipulated you, his girlfriend, and your family. He’s so damn good at manipulating others that he even fooled himself into believing that he could get away with sleeping with you and no one discovering what was going on. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE LIGHT.

Look, Ms. Division In My Family, I don’t think the two of you need to be around one another. I strongly urge that you seek some professional help and undo the damage you’ve experienced mentally and emotionally. As a matter of fact, I think the entire family needs to be in therapy right along with you. Honey, they need to do a television special based on your family called, Sexual Intervention With Dysfunctional Ass Backwards Families. And, I agree with you, I don’t think the relationship with your uncle was about sex for you, it was emotional and mental. However, for him it was sexual. He seduced you and made you feel something that no other man has, can, and will ever do. Therefore, trying to break away from him will not only require therapy but a spiritual cleanse. Yes, darling, you are spiritually connected to him. His spirit has a hold on you so tight that you don’t know your ass from your head. But, I am glad that you acknowledge your part and role in this relationship. You knowingly engaged in the relationship, and despite the many times he lied, deceived, and coerced you into believing it was something entirely different, you felt in your heart it was not so. Now, it’s time to follow your heart and move on with your life. I suggest separating yourself from him, and your family for a period of time to solely work on you. It’s time to re-evaluate your own self-worth, self-value, and self-esteem. You have to repair YOU! And, it starts from the inside out. If you have a church home, then I suggest you speak with your pastor and seek spiritual counseling. You need a spiritual authority to help you cleanse and rejuvenate yourself. And, hopefully you can learn how to forgive yourself. Yes, darling, you need to forgive yourself and don’t beat yourself up. The relationship happened, it’s done, and now it’s over. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Forgive yourself for engaging in the relationship with your uncle. And, forgive yourself for not trusting yourself. You’ll always be fabulous, amazing, powerful, and great, but it’s going to take time and work for you to realize it and recognize it in yourself. And, boo boo, don’t you get involved with another family member, or any man who has spent an abundant amount of time in prison. It’s like the song lyrics, The girls look so good but their minds are not ready. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Well, these are gatherings where we revive family ties and catch up on news from everyone. More often than not, though, what we see is a gathering of a bunch of people who have nothing in common, really. Here sits a bunch of strangers called relatives: uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends of family, nephews, etc. all dressed up with nowhere but a family dinner to go.

So, how do we deal with such a situation? Here are some tips on how to get through the holidays this season:

1) Acknowledge your feelings to yourself. Part of what makes you so miserable is your inability to admit your negative feelings for another member of your family. Face it, just because backslapping, loud Uncle Joe is your Dad’s brother doesn’t mean you have to like him. Just acknowledging to yourself that he really bothers you, makes you feel more in control. And now you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Your family holiday reunion may even be pleasant this time around.

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4 Tips For The Savvy Holiday Shopper

10 Christmas Tree Alternatives For

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Well, these are gatherings where we revive family ties and catch up on news from everyone. More often than not, though, what we see is a gathering of a bunch of people who have nothing in common, really. Here sits a bunch of strangers called relatives: uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends of family, nephews, etc. all dressed up with nowhere but a family dinner to go.

So, how do we deal with such a situation? Here are some tips on how to get through the holidays this season:

1) Acknowledge your feelings to yourself. Part of what makes you so miserable is your inability to admit your negative feelings for another member of your family. Face it, just because backslapping, loud Uncle Joe is your Dad’s brother doesn’t mean you have to like him. Just acknowledging to yourself that he really bothers you, makes you feel more in control. And now you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Your family holiday reunion may even be pleasant this time around.

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4 Tips For The Savvy Holiday Shopper

10 Christmas Tree Alternatives For 2010

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’m so stressed out, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel as if I have lost my way since I lost my grandmother. She used to keep me close to God. It’s only been a year since she’s been gone, and it’s been nothing but pure hell.

I’m arguing with family. I stop chilling with my girlfriends because they pissed me off. I was the one who would never take a cigarette, and now I’m smoking. I will be 22-years old next week. Why am I stressing at a young age? Aren’t I supposed to be enjoying my life, praising God and having fun? I don’t know what the hell is happening to me.

Take my sister, for example, she is so bitter that all her problems are everybody’s problems, including me. As soon as she gets out of bed in the morning, she is angry, like she is mad at the whole world. I am this close to knocking her on her ass. My mom and sister are always arguing. I’m just waiting for her to touch Mom and I will beat her to a bloody pulp. That is not a threat baby! It is a promise because I will do it. She acts like a child trapped in a grown woman’s body. I can’t take her at all. Sometimes I wish I can just leave and don’t look back.

As for my mother, she never does the things that she says she is going to do. I give my mother money when she needs it, if I can spare it, and she takes the money and gives it to her boyfriend. I was so mad at her. If I give my mother money or anything of mine, it’s for her, not him, because she is my mother. I can’t take care of him or anybody else. Does that make me selfish?

Bottom line is I’m getting tired of giving, and people giving me their ass to kiss. It’s the holidays and I’m upset and stressed out. My birthday is right around the corner. I want to at least be happy for that. So here is my question, How do I avoid family drama? How do I tell my sister to change her ways without having to use my fist? I can’t take it anymore and my mother can’t take it anymore. Please educate me on this one before I end up doing something I will regret. – My Family Is Getting On My Nerves

“He Invites Me To spend Time Together In Group Settings, But Does He Like Me?”

Dear Ms. My Family Is Getting On My Nerves,

Girl, please, just breathe. Come on now. Take a few deep breaths. I know exactly how you feel. Chile, that is family for you. Whew!

Okay, a few things I want to address with you. The first is your grandmother’s passing. I take it the two of you were close and her death has truly impacted you. The emotions you’re experiencing are part of the grief. Yes, darling, it seems that you are still grieving. There is no time limit on people and grieving, but I do suggest you find a counselor or therapist to talk about your feelings and what’s going on with you. I’ve addressed this before in another advice column on how everyone deals with grief differently. And, especially since your grandmother was probably the matriarch of the family, and losing the one person who held the family together is a lot to handle.

I’ve also lost my grandmother and without her it seems my family has truly fell apart. No more family gatherings, events, or dinners. Yes, I understand sweetie. As I read your letter it seems like your entire family is dealing with the loss. Everyone is acting out. So, again, I suggest you guys either sit down and talk about the loss of your grandmother and how it has affected each of you, or get into some counseling. I think expressing the emotions each of you is feeling will help you to see how it’s impacting the entire family. Also, again, a professional grief counselor can help you deal with your emotions and feelings.

Now, as far as your sister, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t! LOL. Again, it’s family, and sometimes family members fight, and go through certain stages where none of you can get along. I definitely think it’s a passing stage/moment and it will pass, but for now, I suggest giving one another space. If you can afford to go to a friend’s house, or she goes to a friend’s house, and spend a few days as a cooling out period. Sometimes we have to step away from people and give ourselves time to think, reflect, and gather ourselves. And, girl, don’t put your hands on your sister. I know her behavior is driving you insane, ‘cause there had been many a days I wanted to knock my brother out, but I refrained. Whew, lawd, knows I was close, and I mean very close to losing it. But, I didn’t. So, don’t you lose it. Remain composed and keep your composure. And, your sister is doing nothing differently, trust me, she isn’t. Again, because you’re all dealing with various issues, and the death of your grandmother, all of you are acting out and are on edge. Don’t let her get to you, and girl, try meditation. Yes, close your door, sit quietly in your room, relax, and just sit and breathe. Visualize a place where it’s tranquil, and peaceful. It will help ease your mind and alleviate the stress you are dealing with.

In my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I have a chapter titled, Family Dearest: You Can Pick Your Friends, But Not Your Family. This chapter is specifically for all of us who deal with family, their drama, and everything that comes with them. I provide an illustration based on your issue and giving money to your mother. Honey, let me tell you, once you give the money away you can’t be concerned how she uses it and what she does with it. The money is no longer yours. In my book I speak of how to deal with this issue of money and lending it to family members. One thing I can say is this, don’t loan money or let folks borrow it. It’s best to just give away and have no expectations of what they will do with it, and if they will return it. I truly believe that money and family don’t mix, so instead of folks asking to borrow or me loaning it to them, I either give it to them, or tell them I can’t give it to them. It saves me the stress and headache.

So, Ms. My Family Is Getting On My Nerves, you’re not alone when it comes to your family. It’s normal and everyone deals with issues around their family. Now, what I do recommend, and it will save you drama, and stress, is that instead of loaning or giving your mother the money, I suggest you start saving it so you can move out. Yes, Ms. Honey, it’s time for you to move out on your own. You can get a little studio apartment, or a one bedroom someplace where you don’t have to deal with the drama and stress in your home. Trust me, living on your own is the best remedy and you can come and go as you please. Lastly, get into some counseling, or talk with someone about the grief you’re dealing with from your grandmother’s passing. It will definitely help you in addressing the stresses you are feeling, because like you said you are too damn young to be dealing with all of this, and, honey, you don’t want to wear stress on your face. It’s not a cute look. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we’ve had our ups and downs like every relationship does. His mother passed away recently and now everything has changed. He cheated on me and I asked him why would he betray me like that and his response was that every since his moms passed girls have been pushing up on him and he doesn’t know what to do! And, every time I call him he ignores my calls and text. Now there’s no trust. I love him, but I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him or should I stay? – I’m Getting Fed Up

“My Man Is Emotionally & Mentally Abusive, And I Want A Divorce!”

Dear Ms. I’m Getting Fed Up,

I’m sorry to hear about the recent passing of your boyfriend’s mother. That is very difficult to deal with. I know because I’ve lost my mother and it’s the most difficult experience, and grief anyone who’s lost their mother will tell you. Your mother is the one who is your backbone, your strength, and source of life. We never think our parents will get old and die, but that is the natural order of things. But, yet and still, it is very difficult dealing with the loss of a parent.

Now, in regards to his infidelity and ignoring your calls and texts, that may a result to his dealing with the grief. Everyone grieves differently. People do things out of the ordinary and particularly if they are in a relationship. They may shut down, and become less communicative. Or, they may always talk about the lost parent in the present tense. They may push you away, or depend on you solely. They may rebel and act out because as I’ve said earlier, their source and backbone who’s been there for them through thick and thin is no longer around. Yes, darling, you may be his girlfriend, but, Ms. Honey, you can never replace his mother. Nothing you can do or say will ever replace that bond.

With that, I would strongly recommend getting him into counseling or therapy whereas he can talk with a professional and hopefully open up about what’s going on and what he’s feeling. No matter how much you may pry or offer yourself as a source of comfort, he probably doesn’t want to talk about it just yet. It will take some time for him to open up. It took me years before I was able to talk with someone, or even talk about my mother’s death.

Now, I don’t want you to think I am excusing his behavior because it does not warrant him to cheat on you and mistreat you as well. That is unacceptable. I am a strong advocate that if the trust is gone from the relationship then it’s time to move on. You’ll never trust that person again, and he’s already destroyed yours. He also has to be accountable for his actions, and if he feels the need to sleep with other women, then let him go. Him sleeping with other women may be his way of saying he doesn’t care about anything or anyone. So, he doesn’t see women as human beings with feelings, but as sexual objects, and nothing more. He probably has emotionally and mentally checked out. I know I did when my mother died. When someone loses a parent they really do have a, “I don’t care about anything or anyone,” attitude. It’s not because they really don’t, but again, their parent is no longer around and they feel alone and abandoned. They feel as if no one will ever be there for them. And, if he is ignoring your calls, texts, and the dynamics of your relationship have drastically changed, then yes, you may need to reconsider taking some time apart. It may be difficult to accept and hear, but stepping away and allowing yourself some space, and him some space, may be the best resolution.

Look, Ms. I’m Getting Fed Up, you have two options. You can stay and be supportive and offer yourself as a comfort. Or, you can step away from the relationship, and continue to offer yourself as a source of comfort but from a distance. The choice is yours. You have to make the first step into a healing and healthy situation. Remember, you still have feelings. You still owe it to yourself to be loved and respected. And, it may mean that you sit down with him and break it down. Get real with him and tell him, “Look, I love you, and I’m here for you. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, and I am not trying to step into her shoes, or replace that void. However, I am not going to sit by and watch you destroy your own life, or do things that are detrimental to yourself, and to me.” So, don’t feel bad for how you feel. Maintain your fabulousness, Diva-ness, and sassiness! You’ve got to stand up and reclaim your power because if you don’t he will continue to run over you and through you. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a question for you. I have a god-sister that’s constantly in competition with me, but she claim she’s her own woman even though I know better!!

She tries to do everything I do from the style of pictures I have online, to the way I dress, and even the guys I date! I really am so confused. Could you please help me understand what’s going on? I’m 22 and she’s 28 years old. What’s really good with that picture? – She’s Copying My Style

“They Say Bigger Is Better, But I’m Not Sure”

Dear Ms. She’s Copying My Style,

Let me tell you something. The biggest form of flattery is when others do what we are doing. They swagger jack, copy, and imitate. I mean, what is the problem with that? Obviously you are doing something right. So why complain?

You see, Ms. Fabulous, people have been copying other people’s styles since the beginning of time. Look how many people came after Jesus trying to do what he does? And, the list goes on and on. Look at your favorite celebrities, rappers, singers, and actors. Nothing they are doing is original or new. They have and are imitating someone else’s style. Chile, like the bible says, There is nothing new under the sun.

Even though she may not admit it to you, and I doubt she ever will, don’t take it personal. Keep doing you. She’s not harming you. She’s not doing anything detrimental to you. So, what’s wrong? I mean really, what’s wrong with what she’s doing?

There is chapter in my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, entitled, Family Dearest: You Can Pick Your Friends, But Not Your Family. You see, despite the fact our family is part of our DNA and they help shape and mold us, they are important to have around. Yes, even your god-sister. She may not be your immediate family, but she is part of your circle of people who are influential in your life. And, in the chapter I discuss how now matter what they do, or say, they are just who are they are. No amount of trying to make them, or change them into people we want them to be, they will never become who we would like. It’s important to accept and embrace them for who they are and love them just the same. I suggest you purchase a copy of the book and check it out.

So, Ms. She’s Copying My Style, don’t fret over something minor and silly as your god-sister imitating your style. Look at it as a compliment and how you are a trend-setter and run with it. Chile, I bet if you change your hair blue, red, or yellow, and rave that it’s the new style, and she then copies it, then there will be no denying what you already know. You know what, do something like that and see what happens. And, who knows, you may start a new trend that everyone is copying and doing. You better do you and don’t get caught up in who wants to be you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just under two years. We have been living together for the past nine months and we have an 11-month old son. I went on birth control after I gave birth to my son.

Later on me, and my boyfriend discussed that if I ever became pregnant again, I would have an abortion. Well, lo and behold, when my son was 9-months old, I found out I was three months pregnant. I went to the abortion clinic as we discussed, but at the end of the day I couldn’t do it.

So, now here we are, my man’s already threatened to leave me because I kept our baby, but he came around. Mainly because he doesn’t want to pay the enormous amount of child support. He’s completely detached from me, resenting every moment when we’re together. I am becoming more and more stressed out because he’s starting to stay out until 2 in the morning, and I caught him talking with an ex online.

This man is an excellent father, but turning out to be a non-supportive partner. I need to make this work. We sat down and promised that we would make things work. We’re moving into a bigger family home in 3 days, and I just want our family unit to be in sync. I’ve tried everything to make him realize that I am unhappy, from being completely open and frank, to disallowing him to be in the labor and delivery room. I’m doing something wrong, because I see no results.
Please Gay Best Friend Help! – Pregnant and Stressed Out

“We Met Months Ago Online, Got Married, And It’s Not Working”

Dear Pregnant and Stressed Out,

Okay, first things first. You don’t need to be stressed out while you’re pregnant. Especially not over a man. We don’t do that, honey. That can cause severe damage to you and your child. So, let’s work this out.

You and your boyfriend made an agreement that if you became pregnant again that you would abort the baby. So, I’m assuming there was some clear communication and discussion around the matter. You didn’t say why you two agreed on this, but nonetheless, YOU agreed. Notice I emphasized YOU! Now, you went back on your word, kept the baby, and you’re wondering why he’s a non-supportive partner. Well, I can take a few guesses. He probably felt having another child would put a lot of pressure on him, and you, financially and having another mouth to feed would be too costly.

I’m curious to know if either of you are really ready to have and be a family? Although the two of you are playing house and acting like a family. Yes, darling, you want to play house, but don’t want the things that comes with it. You know, the kids, the responsibilities, and the challenges that comes with being a family.

But, seriously, Ms. Thang, you two need to be on the same page, and apparently you’re on opposite pages of the book. There needs to be clear communication and trust on both of your parts. Those two things are very important in a relationship, but Ms. Honey, you two clearly don’t have them.

So, as a result, he is staying out late at night. He resents you. He’s talking to his ex girlfriend online. The very thing you did, the deception you did to him, he is acting out and doing to you. Yes, I said it. He feels deceived. You went back on your word and now he feels trapped and stuck. Even though that knucklehead went ahead and wanted to start playing house and daddy while y’all were laying up. But, I digress. Does it make it right? No! However, and I will say this loudly and boldly, people are mirror reflections of ourselves. The very things you point out about him are things you need to recognize within yourself.

Look, sweetheart, you said you’re unhappy, and plan to disallow him in the delivery room, yet you want to be in sync with him as a family, and you’re moving into a bigger house. That is a contradiction as to what you want. Either you want to be a family or not! You stomping your feet, pouting, and whining is not going to make him change. And, yes, he too needs to man up and stop acting like a baby. It’s time to stop the games and do his part. However, stop drawing this imaginary line of “If you don’t do this, then I’m going to do this, and I won’t let you do this.” Ugh, girl, please miss me already!

However, I am curious to know if neither of you wanted a second child, and you went on birth control, uhm, DIVA, was he wearing a condom? Because I hope you didn’t think the birth control pills were 100% effective. I’m not even going to go there with you. So, both of you are the blame. Make him wrap it up. If you don’t want any more children after your second one, then use both methods of protection.

So, Ms. Pregnant and Stressed Out, you and your man need to sit down in the corner, yeah in the corner because you’re acting like children. Hash out the problems. Make a list of the pros and cons. Make a list of what you both want from your relationship, and if you want to be a family. If your lists are in sync, then move forward. See how you can incorporate the lists together and make your and his needs work for the greater good. If your list is completely different from his and his expectations are not in sync with yours, then it’s time to reconsider your options and if you’re ready to be a single mother raising two children. You’ve already stated that he doesn’t want to pay the enormous child support payment, but if he stays will he be staying for you and the children, or out of necessity for his pockets? Wham bam! Think about it. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Unbelievably, marriage and motherhood are not what’s wearing us down. When is the last time you’ve felt rested? Not just because you woke up in the morning, but rejuvenated? Even with all that we do as wives and mothers, it’s what we’re not doing that’s got us beat. Yep, once AGAIN it’s our fault. But, suppose the adage is true, that a woman is no good to anyone if not good to herself first?

This fall, I plan to follow nature’s remedy and shake loose this dead tree to ready myself for renewal. I doubt that I’ll be making any less To Do lists, especially with the holiday season right around the corner, but I do plan to schedule time for myself on the next one.

Pursuing The Elusive Good Life

For each of the 12 weeks of autumn, challenge yourself to do something in honor of yourself. Turn over a new leaf. Or two, or three!

A few reNEWal To Dos on my list:

1. Clear a day and re-schedule it for yourself. Reminder: Say ‘NO’ in bold caps.

2. Read a book (a whole book) or a banned book.

3. Call out your blessings. Make a collage of your wildest dreams and watch one of them bear fruit. You might be reminded of what YOU like to do.

4. Make one green change. Walk, bike or rollerblade to the neighborhood store or coffee shop. Reusable grocery bags…I’m HOOKED!

5. Build something. Fix something. If it’s only a puzzle, put something together. Appreciate the process and in the end your skill.

6. Write a letter or send a card rather than a quick email.

7. Be the first to say, Hello or Good Morning.

8. Join a group or take a class you’ve been curious about.

9. Take a nap.

10. Schedule a mammogram, PAP, wellness exam – the whole SHEbang.

11. Go it alone – spa day, dinner and a movie, a walk – enjoy your own company.

12. Do something so not you: try false eyelashes or go Brazilian!

13. Say, “I love you” to YOU!

14. VOTE!

Easy Ways To Conquer Your Stress

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I usually don’t do this but I really need some advice. Long story short my sister put her son out and when he wanted to come back home she put so many conditions on his return he felt like he could not go back home. For example, he had to break up with his girlfriend (who is white) and disassociate himself with all his friends unless she picked them for him to be friends with. This boy is 19 years old (was 18 when she put him out) and she is trying to control every aspect of his life.

She and I were very close, like best friends. We would talk, text, and email everyday and hangout at least four or five days a week. Since I have let my nephew come and live with me she has decided that I am dead to her, and what’s even worse is our kids can’t even talk. She has told her other kids (two of which go to school with her other children and are in the same grade as two of my kids and are best friends) that they are not allowed to speak to my kids.

When her in-laws came to visit he was allowed to come to her house and when they left he was no longer welcome and he came back with his feelings hurt and I had to comfort and console him. I am trying to be supportive but he is not living up to his end of the conditions of him moving in. He is working now and does not contribute to the house and he buys food and hides it upstairs in the room he shares with my son.

I found out a few days ago he has been going to his sister’s soccer games and practices and they have been coming to my house to get him. I don’t want his parents coming to my house and when they told me that I was no longer welcome in their home I respected that and have not been back since. I feel like he/they are going behind my back because he hasn’t told me he has been doing this.

I really do want him to work on his relationship with his parents because that is important but at the same time I feel like he is using me to be away from their rules but still have someone taking care of him. I am the favorite aunt to him and his siblings and now I have no relationship with them or my sister any longer because I decided to help him. When I found out they were coming to pick him up I got really angry because I have lost part of my family and one of my best friends and I also feel it’s disrespectful.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I say something to him or not, and if I do what should I say? If you don’t decide to use this for your column would you respond to me anyway and give me your advice. This is weighing very heavy on my heart and I don’t know what to do.  – Feel Taken Advantage Of

“If They Say I’m A Good Woman, Then Why Can’t I Find A Man”

Dear Ms. Feel Taken Advantage Of,

Honey, one thing I always say, “Family, you didn’t choose them, but you got to love ‘em.” I totally understand how you feel. As the favorite aunt in the family, and the fact you and your sister are very close, you were heartbroken to hear of your sister kicking her son out of the house. He had no place to go, and like family always does, they step in to help.

Well, one thing I think you should have done first before you took him in was to find out what happened. And, to do that you should have gotten the story from both sides. Not just his version, or her version, but both versions. There is something going on in their household I am sure you’re not privy to, and especially getting the story from a 19 year old who feels the world is against him and especially his mother and her unreasonable rules. Boy, please!!

And, think about it, if his mother gave him certain conditions to live by in her house and he didn’t abide by those rules, well, at 18 years old when she put him out, he is an adult. Yes, it’s tough because at 18 years of age many young people start to feel their oats. They think they are grown and want to do grown things, yet live at home with momma and daddy and not abide by their rules. Well, Ms. Honey, that’s not how it works. Like my mother, grandmother, and aunts have told all of their children, when you turn 18, and you’re out of school, you better be in college somewhere, and if not, you better have a job because you’re going to contribute to the household. And, the rules still applied for the curfew and other certain things in their house. If we didn’t like those rules, then we had to find our own apartments and live on our own.

So, yes, you should feel taken advantage of if he is not living up to the conditions you set in your house for him. He should be contributing to your household. He is an adult living in your home. And, why is he sneaking his food upstairs in his room? WOW! Girl, you better put your foot down and as the favorite aunt, or not, you need to be like your sister and practice the tough love.

Look, Ms. Feel Taken Advantage Of, you had a wonderful relationship with your sister. As you’ve stated, you talked, texted, and emailed every day. You even got together to hangout four days out of the week. Trust me, she misses you just like you miss her. But, she feels you are taking sides with her son and you didn’t get the full story of what’s going on and also that you are going against her. It’s her house and she sets her rules accordingly. By you taking in her son she feels you violated her. I say it’s time to sit down with him and lovingly tell him it’s time for him to live on his own. Give him a time period to move out, and let him know you will help him find an apartment. I also recommend mending the relationship with your sister. It’s time for the two of you to get together and quit acting like children yourselves. Talk it out and listen to one another and after it’s all said and done, tell her how much you love her and give her one big ole’ hug! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Lessons Every Mother Should Teach Their Sons

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I know this may seem odd to some of the old school parents reading this who feel strongly that that a child should have strong boundaries when dealing with their parents and know their role. However, I think that it is best for a parent to of course parent their child as well as be a friend to their child. I say this because in today’s; world a child has even more influences storming their way daily. Some of these outside influences can be stronger than the influence of the parent or the child merely being afraid of their parent. Eventually, fear diminishes after some time. On the contrary if you have a child that is close to their parent; that sees their parent as a confidant and respects them, then the chances that the child will be more inclined to follow the steps of their friends lessens.

I am not implying that the child will never choose to listen to their peers. We all have been there and done that at some point in our life. What a friendship between a parent and child means is that the child will place more emphasis on what their parents says than their peers in more cases than none.

How To Have The Sex Talk With Your Teen

Another great benefit of bond building with your child is it eliminates some of the foolishness that a child will become involved in. I remember when I was younger that my mother never really had to punish me vigorously when I made mistakes to get me to learn from them because it hurt me more to know that she was disappointed in me. In fact her being disappointed or upset with me haunted me so much that it made me consider her responses to some of my bad behavior before I engaged in it. Again, of course I made mistakes and got into trouble occasionally, but I am sure that I would have gotten into much more had I have not had the bond with my Mother as part of my decision making process and moral code.

A parent should be a parent and a disciplinarian at all times. However, there should also be enough of  balance where your child should feel close enough to come to you when they are in need, are afraid are confused about life or any other circumstance without feeling that you will be unwilling to listen, be uninterested or go off on a tyrannical rampage if they made a mistake.

Is it possible for a parent to be a friend and a parent to a child?

Easy Tips To Help You Become A Successful Parent

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Black TV Moms have always have had their very own dynamic. From the way they walked, to the way they handled their children and their husbands. This same uniqueness is what sparked a generation of women now who are now mothers and wives and in some way or another, have taken certain principles from these mothers and adapted it into their own. Take a look at these TV moms with their own swag:

Florida Evans- Good Times- Well known for her loyalty to her husband, and patience with her kids. She taught her children how to be strong even in times when they did not have anything. She also allowed them the room to be themselves and to let their own personality shine through. JJ could be artsy and goofy, Michael could be militant while Thelma took the time to model herself after her mother’s strength and add her own flavor.

Clair Huxtable-Cosby Show- She was the epitome of the woman who had it all. She was beautiful, funny, and intelligent. She had a banging career, her family loved her and her husband adored her. Let’s face it, Clare Huxtable was the sh*t. She was wise beyond her years and seemed to be an all around superwoman. Making partner at the law firm just in time to help Rudy with her homework. All in a day’s work for Clare.

Mary Jenkins- 227- Even though she was a gossiper, Mary never slipped on her duties as a Mother and a Wife. She also was always there whenever her friends needed her. She would drop everything to participate in some hair brained scheme that would save a friends tail.

Tasha Mack- The Game- Sophisticated with a ghetto twist, Tasha Mack is a momager. As a single mom and manager of her son Malik’s football career she assured that no harm came to his career or him way while still making him his favorite dishes. Sometimes she did cross over into coddling him but Tasha was able to see the error in her own ways and be strong enough to figure out when it was time for her to let go. A hard take for a Black mother raising a son in today’s world.

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Rochelle Rock- Everybody Hate Chris- Sure she may be loud and bossy at times, but this woman loves her family. Willing to work a job or two if necessary, Chris Rock’s mom Rochelle was more than a strong woman. She was walking, breathing, spitfire. Sometimes she might burn you with her words but it is only because she loves you and wants to protect you at all costs.

Are there any other Black TV Moms that influenced you?

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Everyone loves eating, and everyone loves being outside: So why not combine the two?  Pack your foods and pick your favorite place in the park to enjoy fine dining while soaking up the sun!

What’s better than laying out in the sun looking at beautiful scenery? Laying out in the sun looking at beautiful scenery while eating your favorite sandwich, of course! Picnics can be fun with your friends, family, or significant other.  Ask everyone to bring their favorite dish and turn it into a potluck picnic!

But don’t forget about the most important part: the entertainment.  Games are essential, whether it’s a frisbee, board games, or some chalk to come up with something new.  Throw some portable speakers into the mix and you’re golden.

One of my favorite picnic spots is a park with a pond.  Not only do you have a breathtaking view, but you can feed the ducks your leftovers.

Need an idea for a last minute, cheap, and yet still romantic date? For with the picnic.  Add some candles into the mix.  Try to pick a spot that is meaningful to you and your guy.  You don’t always need a restaurant and high heels to have a romantic night.  Make his favorite meal just how he likes it: to go.  Share his favorite bottle of wine to add some more playfulness to your picnic.  Don’t forget a comfy blanket with some pillows!

Do you have any other ideas to make a picnic more than just a meal outside?

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Before y’all start throwing punches, I must clarify that my exposure to this topic came from within the HB user community. In a recent post about the term ‘interracial,’ one user asked us why HB wasn’t tackling some of the hard issues?

In many regards the questions posed were simply strong conversation starters, with no clear cut, unique answer. To begin with, let’s take the first question presented by the user:

“Why is it Acceptable for Young Men of Color to Emulate Prison Fashions By Exposing Their A***s to Ourselves and our Children?”

My personal interpretation is that the issue is not the prison fashions themselves, rather that any male role model other than a “rapper” is consistently put in question for all the wrong reasons.

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For example:

CRITICISM: “Is President Obama Black?”
RESPONSE: YES, HE IS!

CRITICISM: “Obama’s making so many mistakes and everyone is doubting him so he’s not the most ideal role model.”
RESPONSE: YES, HE IS. You’re children probably have no idea about fiscal policy or Sino-American relations so don’t let Fox News or any other negativity detract from the fact that a family-orientated man, who has a healthy relationship with his wife and daughters, a 4-year contract and nice White House (excuse the pun), is on television everyday reminding us how far a black man can get in this world.

CRITICISM: “Will Smith and all those other Hollywood big names are trying too hard to be white and that’s not right for my child.”
RESPONSE: The world is what it is. Asian people, Hispanics, Middle Easterners and every race on earth do (and have every right to) wear suits, go to glamorous events and sip Martinis just like Hollywood’s black stars. The fact that more white people go to these events and wear suits reflects the fact that there is a disproportionate concentration of wealth in America because of socio-economic factors and our history. In order for this to change, there needs to be less focus placed on what is “White” and more criticism placed on self-victimization, in which the people who make these criticisms of the “suited black man” stop acting like the perpetual victim, getting hated on from birth ’til death. Yes, there is discrimination in this world and you, like every other minority group that suffers from it, have the power to allow it to destroy you or, by contrast, give you the fuel to overcome adversity and prove the “haters” wrong.

‘Making it big’ doesn’t necessarily have to involve what these Hollywood stars are doing, but their drive, self respect and motivation to succeed is relevant in all aspects of life.

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Another issue that catches my attention in regard to the initial question is that “prison fashions” are some how meant to be unacceptable, when in reality we’re talking about the behaviors that accompany such fashions. Careful consideration should be placed on what music you allow your children to listen to, what movies you bring home and which television shows you watch in front of them, before getting the stage where you scratch your head and wonder why your child has his/her rear end exposed to the world.

Once again it comes down to who and what we criticize. Some of you may be aware that Lady Gaga has been causing parenting problems abroad with her ‘Monster Ball’ tour. Parents were taking their children to see the show and later complaining with a great degree of rage that their child was exposed to “things” he/she had never seen before. Well, I’m sorry but check yourself and take a look at some of her video clips to judge in advance whether it would be appropriate to take your child to that concert and expect them not to want to wrap their hair around a beer can or cover their naughty bits in police tape. The issue here is not Lady Gaga herself so please don’t start any meltdowns about a white girl being mentioned on HB. It’s about the extent to which you allow your children to be exposed to role models in the entertainment industry where these questionable trends or ‘prison fashions’ are most on display.

So I ask the inevitable question: What do you guys think?

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The birth of a child can dramatically change the dynamics of a family – and its not always for the best. We know that disrupted nights, dirty diapers and feeding times can all be problematic in a family accustomed to its original routine, but some changes can be long term. Your baby’s daddy may hold some of the answers to a change in your family dynamics and it might be time for you to reflect on some his behaviors to find signs that you’re raising someone more than just your baby.

1. He Barely Noticed You Were Pregnant

Men can have some peculiar reactions to the pregnancy of their partners, many of which are most noticeable during the pregnancy of the first child.

Some of the men I know have some interesting ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. A complete emotional shut down and detachment from your emotional needs is one of those, and another is to almost complete avoid all recognition of your pregnancy.

There are also those who have no concept of the pain of a pregnancy and therefore don’t empathize. When a girl is pregnant, in need of some serious love and attention, this may be a sign of bad times ahead.

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2. He Makes All The Petty Decisions, But Leaves The Hard Ones For You

To begin, let’s categorize some of the major daily decisions into ‘petty’ and ‘hard’.

Petty: Beef or chicken, Coke or Pepsi, take-out or eat-out, sex when he wants it or sex when you want it, TV or a DVD, etc.

Hard: Bay the bills late or feed your child tomorrow, make your girl work two jobs or get one for yourself, budget or save, rent or buy, Thanksgiving here or at your mother’s, another baby or time off the pregnancy trail, etc.

Once again a complete disinterest in daily household affairs could be a reflection a baby-like man. The real issue here is that more pressure falls on you to the point where you feel like a single parent.

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3. His Mother Either Completely Worships The Ground You Walk On, Or Is Highly Critical Of You

Mothers can have a tremendous impact on the development of their sons, though many people would argue that men tend to follow in the paths of their fathers more so than their mothers. So if your man’s mother is around, take a closer look at the way she treats you and the way she may have raised him.

If your mother-in-law worships the ground you walk on, you may be giving your man too many of life’s comforts – just like she did when she raised him. That age-old desire of a mother for her son to find a woman to treat him right may have you trapped in your own worst nightmare as the woman that inherited this old lady’s son.

By contrast, your mother-in-law may also be extremely critical of you as a partner. Any level-headed mother could see in her children just where she went wrong. In this case she may have wanted more for her son, a woman to set things right for him after she lost the battle. It might be time to listen to what she’s complaining about to see if you can eliminate some problems between all parties involved.

4. You’ve Stopped Talking To Each Other

Like many of the above mentioned ‘signs’, this one comes accompanied with a range of other issues. If you and your man are no longer able to produce a serious conversation, albeit about the most trivial topic, your relationship may be in trouble.

Yelling at him about important family issues, and his lack of interest and motivation with raising your child are all problematic trends in a mother-father relationship. The fact that, once again, you’re doing all the ‘caring’ and decision making without his input is certainly something that needs addressing in order for you to not feel like your raising one child extra.

5. He’s A Fat Slob Who Has No Desire To Work Or Provide For His Family

It would be nice for all men to be like Will Smith or Barack Obama, and thank goodness some are. But the best, most efficacious sign for you to realize that you’re raising your baby’s daddy is when he is nothing but an obnoxious couch-potato with no interest in anything other than this evening’s sport telecast or balancing a can of beer on his unwashed hairy belly.

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Have you ever been in an area of your city and was unable to communicate with its residents due to a language barrier? You remember the frustration you felt? It is an age old discussion. Should more Americans be bilingual in order to be able to communicate more effectively with the Spanish speaking individuals who emigrate here from other countries? Thinking rationally it would make communication and relationships between Spanish and English speakers in the USA much more relatable.

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When you look at the statistics in some regions there are more Spanish speaking residents than English speaking. Having said that it makes sense that our children should be taught Spanish in school at an early age.  They should at least know the basics. The main argument against this policy is that some English speakers feel that if someone moves to an English speaking region then they should be the ones to have to adapt to their environment and learn English. Not the other way around. I agree that they should also have to learn the language of their region but there is one big flaw in that argument and that is the fact that as the numbers grow, there are more Spanish speakers than English speakers. So sure it sounds good to try to maintain a sense of ownership over your region but when the numbers are laid out, the truth is that Spanish speakers do outnumber English speakers. So in reality, we have to adjust to them as much as they have to adjust to us.

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English still is a widely used language in the USA. However raising a child to be bilingual does have its advantages. One being that in their job search they will have a competitive edge by being bilingual as many positions now require that you know Spanish to serve their diverse consumers. Two being that it is widely noted that it is easier for a young child to learn new languages as opposed to waiting till they are an adult when it is much more difficult to pick up a new language as quickly. The last reason is that with a second language under their belt, the opportunities for them are endless.

Is it a good idea to teach your kids a second language? Or should the responsibility of learning another language lie on the non English speakers only?

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Katherine Jackson is the matriarch of the Jackson family. She is  always seen as much more coy and reserved than her husband Pimpin Joe Jackson. Katherine prefers to focus her attention on caring for her children and assuring that her grandchildren have a normal but loving up bringing. I can respect that.

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Katherine, like many other Mothers and Grandmothers is often taken for granted, as the true extent to her giving nature is not always noted. For instance many may not be aware that Grandma Katherine took in Randy and Jermaine’s baby mama Alejandra and the four kids she had with them. Jermajesty, Jaafar and Donte and Randy Jr. This may not seem like a big deal to some as these are her grandchildren but keep in mind that it is not her responsibility to be financially responsible for her grandkids. Rather her son’s responsibility. Grandma Katherine finally asked Alejandra and her children to move out recently and while many other Grandmothers would have given her daughter in law the heave-ho and told her to take care of herself and her own kids. Grandma Katherine placed them in a condo that she owns. However, that was not sufficient for her daughter in law Alejandra.

To add on to Grandma Katherine’s stress, Alejandra is in the process of suing Grandma Katherine for a better place to live and money that she feels she deserves for….. Who knows. You would think that Alejandra thinks that she should never have to lift a single finger to care for her own children. If anyone she should be suing for money it should be the fathers of her children, Jermaine and Randy. Yes, in case it was not clear to you, she has children by both the brothers. Perhaps she opted not to sue them and aimed for the cash cow which is Grandma Katherine who currently receives money from Michael Jackson’s estate. Can you say unappreciative?

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Meanwhile, Grandma Katherine is raising Michael’s two children and attempting to give them as much of a normal life as she can. She recently decided to put them in private school opting not to continue on with their private home schooling.

I support her in this decision as this will hopefully aid the children in having as close to a normal life as they can have given their situation. Through all things Grandma Katherine seems to always has her children and grandchildren’s well being at the forefront of her mind.

I commend Katherine Jackson and would honor her with a Grandmother of the century award if there was one. In all seriousness she truly has a lot to deal with for an elderly woman. She has sons who do not always get along, they sleep with each other’s wives, a greedy and lazy daughter in law, a cheating money hungry husband who treated his kids like employees more often than like his children and she also has dealt with the unexpected death of one of her children. Yet she completely stepped up to raise his children and steer them into having a full life. Katherine Jackson, you deserve every accolade you receive and more.

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Take a look at some rare photos of MJ and his kids: