Kereen Odate, Acting Director at the Center for Women’s Development at Medgar Evers College in New York, says black women are reluctant to discuss sexual and domestic abuse for fear of “vilifying the black man.”

STUDY:  Half Of Black Girls Sexually Assaulted

This week, U.S. Senators Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) and Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) introduced legislation to reenact the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), an act originated in 1994 to provide $1.6 billion dollars to assist in the investigation and persecution of violent crimes against women. National organizations like the National Coalition Against Sexual Assault and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence backed this monumental act that would revolutionize how women across the country would receive the proper help in and outside of the legal system. Much like the SlutWalk movement of today, VAWA has been influential in bringing awareness to sexual and domestic violence against women, but like so many other mainstream initiatives, minority women have been left out of the discussion and the receive the short end of the stick for equality.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I endured my first (and last) domestic violence encounter; throughout my pregnancy, I was slammed against walls, drug down the hallways of my apartment, chased out of the house with a knife, and, the night before my baby shower, fought to keep a 200-pound man from choking me to death.

I spent most of my pregnancy in fear, afraid to tell anyone, not even friends or family. At 22 years old, I never experienced anything like that and while I knew that help was just a 911 call away, the fear of being alone drove me to never make mention of the abuse until many years after my daughter’s birth.

Like me, many Black women keep sexual abuse and domestic violence a secret to protect innately the ones we love.  What is this relentless behavior to preserve those who victimize versus our own selves? Many attribute this behavior to the slave history that buries itself in our psyche.

The sexual dysfunction between Black men and women, Odate says, is a direct result of the skewed purpose in which sex was used during slavery. “You were raped, “but you weren’t raped because it was for the purpose of making more kids to work on the plantation, so there’s a whole history involved.”

Even when news broke that Rihanna fell victim to Chris Brown’s anger, many misappropriated blame to Rihanna, citing she must have done something to “deserve” it. We (the societal “we”) rallied to protect and defend Chris and desperately searched for the redeeming qualities that came in the form of slick dance moves and Michael Jackson-esque pelvic thrusts. The delicate balance between self-preservation and keeping the “unified front” with Black men has caused more and more of us suffer silently at the hands of the very men we try to protect.

If 60 percent of our girls under the age of 18 are experiencing sexual assaults and the social and legal response to their encounters are limited at best, how do we begin giving girls and women the voice, courage, and resources necessary to stop sexual assaults and violence against women. In turn, raising our voices to give men the ability to learn about how to conduct healthy relationships, deal with the things that concern them most, and develop better ways to interact with women.

You do not have to suffer silently. The moments where the internal battle to save and protect him or me, in hindsight, seem so silly. However, those women who have been faced with the decision can understand that only love for self can foster the courage needed to walk away.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic and sexual violence, tell someone. If you are too afraid, contact one of the national hotlines specifically for victims of domestic and sexual violence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or (206) 787-3224 (Video Phone for Deaf Callers)

RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline) 1.800.656.HOPE
Related:

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A Woman’s Right To Choose Just Got Harder

On October 26, 2011 James Lackey aka J Lack was picked up by the Fulton County Sheriff Office and arrested on three counts of battery including domestic violence AND cruelty to a child. Lackey spent a total of two days in jail before he was released on bail of $5,500.

His production credits include Lloyd’s ‘Get It Shawty’, One Chance ‘Do It’, as well as a several tracks on Usher’s ‘Here I Stand’ album.

SMH!! Fellas, if you get that heated, try taking a walk around the block, you should NEVER put your hands on a woman or child!

Usher Gets Attacked By Crazy Lady In A Parking Lot [VIDEO]

Usher Rips His Pants In Front Of Bill Clinton [VIDEOS]

Usher and B.E.P.

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Apparently, the two have been in an intimate relationship for a little over a year now and had been living together.

Lucinda was arrested for “domestic abuse and assault without intent causing injury.” She was being held on a $2,500 cash bond. Man, I hope things get better between the couple!

Check out the video below. Read more here.

SMH, so sad to hear stories like this!

Hottest Celeb Pics Of The Week

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Miami Dolphins Football Player Brandon Marshall Stabbed By Wife

An 11 Year Old Girl Was Raped, Town Blames Victim. Why?

Gloria Govan Discusses Return To “Basketball Wives” & Matt’s Domestic Abuse Arrest

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have been in a relationship for about four years, well sort of. My ex was very abusive mentally and physically. We have a daughter together and he has been like a father to my son ever since he was a baby. We met in the Fall when I was fresh out of high school. It was supposed to be a onetime thing, but I ended up staying the whole weekend. He was in the military then, so I was thinking of an easy life. I’m a military brat myself so I knew the lifestyle.

We moved in together after six months and everything was fine. Then I realize that he would throw me money before he would dip out all day, or let me have a friend over and he would buy drinks and wait until I was about drunk to ask if he could go out and be out all night. I was about 18-years old, so I couldn’t go to any clubs. I would be home alone all night. Then it got to the point that whatever he did was fine, but let me come close to doing it, then it’s a problem. The relationship started going downhill. I was going to school full-time, so he had to pay the rent while I paid the other little bills. One day I came home to an eviction notice saying the rent hadn’t been paid in almost four months! He acted like he didn’t know what they were talking about and said he would talk to them. Guess what, he never did. He got in trouble with work and had to stay on base for 30 days. I had to drop out of school to work and try to pay the rent. But it was too late. I had to move back in with my mom.

Then the following spring his dad died. He asked me to go to the funeral, but my granddad had passed the month before, and plus, I had just started working. So, he went back home to Alabama for the funeral. He gets back, and not even a week later his mom passes. I still wasn’t able to go. So, he went back home for her funeral. When he came back, he was a changed person. I later found out that he took another chick, who is older, to both funerals. She was giving him money, and when he was supposed to be staying on base he was sneaking to stay with her. Then he was picking me up in her car, in which he was telling me it was his homeboy’s.

He had MY son around her and going to her house. He would go to BBQ’s and not invite me, only later to find out she was there. Then I found out she was pregnant because I found a death certificate and an ultrasound picture in his wallet. Then he was wearing a necklace with a baby footprint, and he told me that his niece had a baby. But, yet, I kept messing with him because I felt I needed him. He made me feel that I needed him. He always told me, “What man you know is going to give you whatever you want?” Or, “Who else is going to love you like I do?” And I believed only he would.

Later that summer I found out I was pregnant. He was happy, but never around. He was always going out. He wasn’t in the military because he got kicked out. He would be gone weeks at a time with no phone call. But, yet, I still catered to him. He was still able to get some whenever he wanted. The other chick was still in the picture. She was giving him money, helping him find a job, buying him expensive clothes, shoes, and got him on her cell phone plan. Even until this day he’s on a plan with her. Whatever he want he runs to her.

Now, with two kids, and I’m three years wiser and tired of being choked out, spitted on, told I wasn’t going anywhere, embarrassed in front of his friends, bruised up, told that he would kill me if I leave, and smothered in front of crying kids. I simply can’t do it no more. He had to flee the state because we fought and he busted my eye because I didn’t show him any attention. He’s been gone for three and a half months. He swears he’s changed, and wants a 100th chance again. But, the love isn’t there anymore. The sex is good, but I’m not in love anymore. I took care of him for two years because he hasn’t been working. I was learning to live without him and living a life of being free. I was finally able to step out if I wanted. Now, that he’s back he wants to forget all that ever happened. But, the other girl is still in love with him and he can’t let her go. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but he won’t leave or go stay with her because he says he don’t love her and that he loves me and wants to b a family. He messed me up emotionally and crumbled my self-esteem to where I went from 160 pounds to 230 pounds. I really need help! – How To Move On

“I Have A Disease And I Want To Date In 2011″

Dear Ms. How To Move On,

This has got to be a Jerry Springer episode on Hello Beautiful. I know it is. Girl, don’t play with me. Where is Jerry?

I can’t! I won’t! I refuse! You notice the three statements I declared. Ms. Honey you need you to do the same thing. Declare those three statements and get the HELL out!!!

Lawd, what must happen before you realize that he doesn’t love you, respect you, care about you, or deserves you? Chile, you sit there another minute contemplating why he won’t leave and the next thing you know you’re going to be sealed in a wooden box six feet under.

Like I said before in previous posts, I don’t condone violence, but you need to wake up, get a back bone and do like Farrah Fawcett in the burning bed and make him pay! There is no excuse for any man to treat a woman the way he has done you. Chile, I couldn’t help but SMDH as I read all he put you through, and you stayed! Really?!?!? Are you that desperate or needy of a man? Honey, honey, honey he spit on you, chocked you out, threatened you, and busted your eye, and he’s still breathing? You must don’t have any brothers, a dad, or any male friends who got your back.

I’m not going to spend my positive meditative energy counseling you when you already know what to do. You know his behavior is inappropriate, beyond wrong, and is not what love is. No man pounces on a woman, threatens her saying he will kill her if she leaves. He is not a man, he is a boy. I swear you must ride the short yellow bus EVERY DAY! He berates and beats you because for one, you allow him. Two, he can’t control anyone else but you, and men who treat women like how he does you, he needs to be locked up and sent upstate to prison so he can be someone else’s bitch. Yup, I said it. Wham Bam Boom!

But, I really want you to think about this. If he loves you so much, and you mean the world to him, and he wants to be a family, then why can’t he let the other woman go? Why is she pregnant and he’s playing house with her? Chile, please miss me with the other woman is the problem. Stop focusing on her, and focus on him. She’s not the one you should have the problem with, HE IS! He can put an end to all of this, but he won’t. But your _______________ (chile, let me stop because I was about to lose it).

Look, Ms. How To Move On, it’s 2011 and you’ve got to do better, be better, and love you. Stop playing yourself and get yourself and your kids out of this situation. Go to the police station and get a restraining order. Enforce it. Don’t be scared. It’s time to get you –ish together and make him pay! Listen, chile, he hasn’t, isn’t, and won’t change. No ma’am, no how, no way. Don’t let him come around or in your home because I don’t want to hear about you on the nightly news. Also, start saving your money so you can move. Yes, you need to move to another city, or town in your state. Hell, move across the damn country, and don’t tell him where you are. Change your cell number, and tell your family and friends to not give out your address or number to him or anyone associated with him. Get yourself back in school, get your education, so you can improve your lifestyle, which means a better paying job, home, and living environment for your children. And, you need to be in somebody’s counseling and therapy sessions. You need some help by a professional who can help you assess why you chose this man, and why you continue to run back to him, and allow him back in your life. You also need some church, spiritual counseling, and Jesus in your life. You don’t understand your spiritual worth as well as why you are unable to unhinge his spirit from yours. There is a spiritual warfare happening and you need to cleanse yourself of him, and that entails a spiritual fast, and rejuvenation. And, yes, yes, yes you need my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. You need some spiritual, self-help, and empowerment books to help you reclaim your life, power, and self-esteem. You don’t appreciate you, and because you don’t, then guess what, he doesn’t appreciate you. Everything he is doing to you is because you allow it to happen. Why? Go ahead and ask yourself why do you let him do this? It isn’t love. It isn’t because he cares for you. Why? Why? Why do you let him do it? And, please stop equating sex with love. So what the sex is good. Chile, you can get good sex from anyone. He is not the end all and be all. You have to recognize you are number one in your life. So, get yourself together, start praying, get to the police station, get the restraining order, go to court and get an order of child support, move on, and rebuild your life. And, if he is up in your house, wait until he goes to sleep. You know what to do! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Of watching her father abuse her mother, she said, “Honestly, I think I’ve spent my adult life dealing with the sense of low self-esteem that that sort of implanted in me. Before I’m Halle Berry, I’m little Halle, who was a little girl growing in this environment that damaged me in some ways. And I’ve spent my adult life trying to really heal from that.”

Of the Jennesse Center, Halle said, “I love this place. I love helping women and children. I was a victim of domestic violence. It’s what I grew up with, so I have a spot in my soul that understands the devastation that this causes a family and how hard it is to rebuild your self-esteem when you’ve suffered.”

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Halle Berry

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“Basketball Wives” cast member Gloria Govan said in a statement that her fiance, Los Angeles Lakers player Matt Barnes was wrongfully arrested on a domestic violence charge and that he has never physically abused her or her family, according to an Associated Press report.

Read the original story here: NBA’s Matt Barnes Arrested For Domestic Violence

Govan’s statement comes a day after Barnes was arrested and booked into Sacramento County Main Jail on a felony domestic violence charge and for allegedly obstructing the use of a telephone line

Barnes had also pleaded his innocence, but he suggested Govan was at fault.

He told ABC News 10′s Bryan May,

“I was the victim but still got arrested”

and texting to him,

“U know any domestic violence situation 9 outa 10 times the man gets arrested. That’s the case here I was the victim but still got arrested. No matter what I say people are gonna think what they want…”

Barnes, a Sacramento native, was released after posting $50,000 bail and is scheduled to appear in court on Monday.

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Before she was a major reality TV star, Kim Kardashian played the role of a wife, though she quickly divorced Damon Thomas because he abused her.

According to a report, Kim married the music producer back in January of 2000 and it all went downhill rather quickly.

Ms. Kardashian revealed that Damon repeatedly beat her and demanded to know where she was at all times. Three years after the marriage began, she divorced him.

“Damon decided what we would do and when we would do it. He was very much the ‘King of the castle.’ He said he did not want me to have contact with my old boyfriends who would be able to reach me at the clothing store. He said he wanted to know where I was at all times.”

Thomas also reportedly gave Kim $3650 to get liposuction surgery because he said she was fat. He also gave her an additional $1000 for further cosmetic procedures.

View her legal filing below:

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Check out exclusive interview with TV & Radio personality Egypt

Stacey Dash claims her soon-to-be ex-husband beat her on multiple occasions … and she got a restraining order against him on the day she filed for divorce.

TMZ obtained the restraining order — originally signed by a judge January 29 and still in effect — in which Dash claimed her husband, Emmanuel Xuereb, hit her in the face, head and body during their two-plus years of marriage … but she was afraid to report it to police.

Dash, 44, also claims a drunken Xuereb once violently pinned her down to a bed and threatened her, saying it would be the worst night of her life.

Xuereb must stay 100 yards away from Stacey, her two children (neither of whom are his) and the family home. They’re due back in court in June.

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Stacey Dash

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I will not ever lie to you, Hello Beautiful readers: I am all about a good tasteless joke. In fact, oftentimes, the more tasteless, the better. It’s all about the execution, really. But when it comes to a t-shirt like the one in the picture above, well, I could just about puke on it.

Clothing company Rock the Bureau plays on urban colloquialisms on its t-shirts with phrases like “I [heart] My Bitches” on women’s tees and rap lyrics (Weezy’s “Fuck Bitches, Get Money” from the song “Get Money”) on men’s tees. But “I’ll Chris Brown A Bitch” is just such lazy tasteless humor that I can’t even get down with it.

For one thing, wordy tees are generally lame unless the message is a little witty and cryptic. At least, in my opinion. For another, what girl would really holler at a guy with a t-shirt that says “I’ll Chris Brown A Bitch”?!?!?! It’s like the anti-booty-getter in my book.

Am I bugging, or could Rock the Bureau have at least tried a little bit harder to make a clever joke out of a sad situation? They get no points for effort in my book.

If it wasn’t funny when Mike Tyson did it, it’s not really that funny now!

Everyone knows about the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama, but no one really knows how it started. Some say the beating was sparked by Rihanna beating Chris up first, which poses the question: is it ever really okay to to hit your boyfriend? People always want to point the finger at guys for hitting girls, but what happens when it’s the girl who’s always raising her fists? Mary Mitchell of the Chicago Sun-Times weighs in on this topic below.

[From the Chicago Sun-Times]

I’ve got to give Eni Skoien credit for fighting back. After allegedly catching her husband, Gary Skoien, in the playroom with two hookers, Eni was charged with beating him with her fists and smacking him with a toy guitar.

I don’t condone violence.

In fact, my mantra is run, walk, crawl if you have to, to avoid violence.

But I can certainly understand why Eni Skoien couldn’t slink away.

Everybody knows that you don’t ever bring another woman into your wife’s home.

In this case, police said Gary Skoien, the former Cook County Republican chairman, told them he had two prostitutes not only in his home — but in his children’s playroom.

He’s lucky his wife didn’t grab a weapon.

He’s also quite the weasel.

After allegedly telling a responding officer that he did in fact “have prostitutes with him in the playroom when his wife caught him,” Gary Skoien now says the cops were wrong about the women being hookers.

“No money was exchanged. Nobody was naked,” he said later.

Gee. I should hope not.

But what were the two “female friends” doing at the home he shares with his wife and children at 1 a.m.?

How could you blame her?

Because Eni Skoien allegedly got angry enough to hit her husband, she was the one who had to spend two nights in jail.

And she’s the one who is featured in a police mug shot with her hair in a fright.

That’s pretty unfair.

Can you imagine what would have happened had the situation been reversed?

Had this 55-year-old man walked in and caught his 36-year-old wife with two strapping young men . . . in the children’s playroom . . . at 1 in the morning, it would have gotten ugly.

He wouldn’t have had to hit her. She would have fled.

If she didn’t move fast enough, he would have likely dragged her through the house and kicked her out of the front door.

Eni Skoien, who is 5 feet 4 inches and 110 pounds, couldn’t possibly drag the beefy Skoien out of the house.

All she could do was pummel him with fists and the closest object at hand, according to the charges.

Eni Skoien, who wasn’t accused of attacking the hookers, allegedly drew her husband’s blood.

“I called police because I thought I was going to be killed,” Gary Skoien told police.

Her husband has already secured a protection order keeping his wife away from him and their children, which is a mockery.

How many married women would have blamed Eni Skoien had she sneaked downstairs with a weapon and chased the man and the hookers out of her home?

Very few.

While the attack could legally be labeled domestic battery, morally Eni Skoien was defending herself against gross mental abuse…

To read the rest of this article, click here.

When is it right to get back together?

How does Steve Harvey feel about domestic abuse? Click here to find out.

From theroot.com:
To watch Tyson, the former heavyweight champion’s self-produced mea culpa on all things Mike, is to unpack two decades’ worth of crazy: the rape conviction, the prison conversion, the chewed ear, the DUI arrest, the bankruptcy, the Don King dustup … that Barbara Walters’ train wreck of an interview with Robin Givens.

The documentary feels especially timely viewed alongside the unfolding drama surrounding pop stars Chris Brown and Rihanna, who are rumored to be back together in the midst of a criminal investigation of domestic abuse…

“We were just two kids,” Tyson says, “and the whole world was in our business … I’m an abusive husband, and she was a gold digger.”

“We were just kids.”

Sound familiar?

“Just kids” is an apt description for another celebrity couple grabbing the news with lurid charges of beatdowns, bruising and battering: Chris Brown and Rihanna, aka Chrihanna.

Like Tyson, Chris Brown found fame before he was legal. Like Tyson, Brown grew up in chaos. In a 2007 interview with Giant, Brown said that his stepfather regularly beat his mother: “He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself. I remember one night he made her nose bleed. I was crying and thinking, ‘I’m just gonna go crazy on him one day…’ I hate him to this day.” (Brown’s stepfather has since denied that he ever hit Brown’s mother.)

Click here for more on the documentary.

Do YOU think Chris Brown can learn from the Mike Tyson story? Tell HB what YOU think!

Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. It doesn’t mean you have to go bake a cake or take a day off or anything, but it’s important to know, especially if you or someone you know has been a victim of domestic violence.

The date came from the 1960 assassination of the Mirabal sisters under the reign of Dominican dictator Rafael Trujillo. The incident, highlighted in such books as In the Time of the Butterflies and The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao, involved the gruesome death of the three activists under Trujillo, famous for his excessive brutality against Dominican women during his 30-year ruling.

Many hear about domestic violence from Lifetime movies and talk show stories, but there are still many who have no idea how pervasive it is across the world. In fact, a recent article states that almost half of Egyptian women are abused. Do we really need a national holiday to become aware of (and subsequently do something about) an issue like this???

Absolutely not.

For more information on a daily epidemic, visit the following sites:

The US Department of Health & Human Services

National Organization for Women

United Nations Development Fund for Women

In the wake of recent recent high-profile deaths blamed on domestic violence, HB takes a look at domestic abuse. Domestic violence should not happen to anyone! Ever. I’m sure we all know someone who has lived with abuse, maybe even you yourself. If you know someone who you think is being abused – a friend, family member, co-worker, there are lots of agencies out there that can safely help them. Find out more inside on how to get help.

Here’s a list of agencies that you can reach out to:

http://www.ndvh.org/help/help_in_area.html

http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html
(A comprehensive list of Domestic Violence Hotline Numbers by State)

http://www.helpusa.org/site/PageServer?pagename=HELP_ProgServ_DomesticViolence

http://www.da.usda.gov/shmd/aware.htm

http://www.theresnoexcuse.com/

For a more comprehensive analysis on domestic violence read here.