Wondering if you have bent your standards? Singer/Actor Keith Washington and his female producer discuss 6 things that women accept that proves their standards are too low, click here to see.

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7 Things That Annoy Men About Women

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Simply put YOU are the most important person in your life. When you recognize that your life is your responsibility it will liberate you to the point of empowerment. We become powerful when we realize that we ARE powerful. It is your heart and your feelings, shouldn’t you be in control?

CLICK HERE to read more on How to Win The Dating Game: Men Respond to Standards

You can stay connected with Kevin Carr and also purchase my newly released book! “If All Men Are Dogs, Then Women You Hold the Leash” at www.Ifmenaredogs.com

Words by : ! @Kev_Carr

Five Little Ways To Get Him To Commit

Will Knowing Your Love Style Bring You Closer To The One?

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I really need your help before I up and walk away from my man. I’ve been dating this one guy for 15 months and I’m tired of feeling hurt and left out. He can come to my place and hang out with me, but I can’t go to his place because he doesn’t want to cause any problems with his kid’s mom. She wants him back, but he doesn’t want her because of what she did and what she doesn’t want to do.

I do love him, but I’m at the end of trying to make this relationship work by myself. If you’re in a relationship and it’s going good, then what’s wrong with me meeting his family? He sees his mother every day. His brothers live out of town, and his father he doesn’t care too much for him. He’s been talking about getting marry and buying a house for us because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I want the same. But, what I don’t understand is why would you want to marry someone that you won’t let me meet your family? He’s met mine and I never been to his place because he doesn’t want his kids mother to start anything with me. I’m grown and can handle myself.

He told me last week that he let his mother move in with him, and it hurt me because I’ve never been to his place nor met his mother. Am I wrong for telling him that it’s not right for her to move in when I have never been there or met her? Now, he wants me to come over, but I won’t go because he’s had plenty of time for me to meet her and see his place. I am a good woman to him. I’ve done more than my fair share to keep to us going. I’ve never asked him for money or to pay my bills. I’ve helped him a lot because he doesn’t have much money. I feel like I’ve been the man and he’s the woman. I know that I have been to damn good to him and more understanding to him and his problems.

Where do I fit in? Was I wrong for telling him that his mother will always be there, but I am a guarantee! Momma’s boy needs to get a back bone and do what’s right because I will walk out for good! I’m hurting over this. – Confused By Momma’s Boy

Dear Ms. Confused By Momma’s Boy,

Girl, let that man go and move on with your life. He is a boy. He is not a man. He has two women controlling his life – his ex-girlfriend and his momma. They both are babying him and coddling him. UGH! I can’t stand grown ass men who act like little ass boys letting women take care of them. And, here you come doing the very same thing. You’re taking care of him, you’re keeping the relationship going, and you’ve helped him a lot because he doesn’t have money. And, like you said, “You’re the man and he’s the woman.” Stop it, now! Stop allowing yourself to be used, and to be taken advantage of!

Please wake your sleepy ass up and get out of that relationship. He is not going to change, won’t change, and never going to change. You mean to tell me that after 15 months you’ve never been to his house, or met his kids because he doesn’t want to cause any trouble with the kid’s mother? So, does she live there? Does she pay the bills and the rent? Why can’t you go to his house? That –ish doesn’t make any sense. How can she dictate and control what goes on in his house? Not unless she is living there with him. And, I truly believe that they are still together, and getting it in. You cannot be that naïve and dumb. Please tell me that you’re not that silly. Then on top of it all, he hasn’t taken you to meet his mother, yet, he’s met your family? Uhm, sweetie, I hate to break this to you, but any man who’s been dating a woman that long and you’ve never met any of his family members, or friends, then he doesn’t think of you as someone he will be serious with.

He is blowing smoke up your ass, and you’re bending over and allowing him to do it. This man is telling you that he is going to marry you and buy you a house. Uhm, Do-Do brains, where is he getting this money from? How can he buy you house and he can barely take care of himself? Hell, it’s going to be you, his ex, his kids, and his momma all living in that damn house. So, sit your dumbass over there and wait on it.

I truly can’t with you women! You’re so desperate to be with a man that you will listen to his lies, bull-ish tales, and won’t use your simple ass judgment to say to yourself, “Wait a minute! I haven’t met his mother, have never been to his house, and never met his kids, and it’s been 15 months. And, I’m the one keeping the relationship going, and helping him financially. Something is wrong with this picture. What the hell is wrong with me??” This is when you change your number, stop allowing him access to you, and move the hell on! But, honey, I wouldn’t even let it get to 15 months. Hell, it wouldn’t have made it to 3 months! No ma’am.

I want to shake some damn sense into your damn head. Lawd, knows I really want you to just use some damn common sense. Everything he is saying to you is not adding it up. It doesn’t make sense. Then, this fool’s momma moves in with him, yet, you’ve never met her?!? Come on, sweetie, please stop drinking from his nut sac. UGH!!!

This relationship is doomed. It will not get better. It will not turn around. You will always be competing and vying for his attention with his mother and ex-girlfriend. And, guess who is going to win out all the time? I’ll let you ponder that, and I’m done with you! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“How Can I Be Supportive Of My Man Despite His Pyscho Baby Momma?”

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I love him and his two kids, but his baby mama is psycho. He constantly struggles with trying to balance his relationship with her so that she’ll let him see his kids, as well as his relationships with his family and his relationship with me including working 2 jobs. He is working himself to the bone and emotionally wearing himself down to the bone, and I feel helpless. I want to help, but I don’t know how.

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I don’t want to involve myself in things with his baby mama because that is between them and I don’t think it’s my business how they raise their kids, or how she chooses to give and take with them to get to him. He gives her way too much in child support, and, yet she has him pay for everything which he won’t say no to so the kids won’t suffer.

He’s a great guy and a great dad, but I just feel bad for him. How can I be supportive without stepping out of line? Again, I’m trying to give him some space to figure his stuff out and so he can learn to balance…not to mention I have my own life and issues so I feel like I should take care of me still. How can I show support and love and not overstep boundaries? Setting Boundaries

Dear Ms. Setting Boundaries,

This is what happens when you date and take on a man who has a baby momma. I tell you women all the time that it wouldn’t be me. A man with a baby momma is only a headache, and life filled with drama and stress. Especially if they don’t have a great relationship, and she doesn’t know her boundaries. No ma’am. Leave those men alone!!! One reason is because they will forever be in each other’s lives, and if she is as psycho as you say she is then there is a guarantee that she will be psycho tomorrow, in the next year, as well as five years from now, hell, even ten years from now. And, she will always treat you as the other woman, and she will always feel as if she has priority with him, his time, his income, and his life because she has his children. So, get used to it.

You will always be the outsider. You’re not the mother of his children. Therefore you have no say. No input. No authority. And, unfortunately, you’ll always be on the sidelines watching as the two of them go at it, and as he struggles to be the good father and man for his children.

And, you’re right about giving him some space to figure this stuff out so that he can learn to balance his life, his children’s well-being, and being in a relationship with you. The only thing you can do is be supportive of him. Do not, and I mean DO NOT get involved with trying to tell him how to handle his baby momma, or get in their business. You said it so poignantly in your second paragraph, “That is between them.” It’s not your concern, your business, or your issue. SO STAY OUT OF IT!

I know you love him and want the best for him, but he is going to have to work this out and do what’s best for himself. Just continue to be supportive with a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a place for him to feel and be loved. But, do not get involved in the affairs between he and his baby momma. Do not give your opinion, judgment, or thoughts about the situation because it will come back to bite you on your ass!! Trust me!

Also, you mentioned you have your own life and issues. Don’t compound what’s going on in his life with yours especially considering you’re only dating. You’re not married. You’re not husband and wife, so therefore do not overstep your role and boundaries. Stay in your lane!!! And, keep in mind that as you’re observing what’s going on from out the outside between he and his baby momma there is always his side, her side, and the truth. So, you’re only getting what’s happening and going on from his perspective. You don’t know what’s going on between them when they are alone. You don’t know how he treated her in their relationship, how it ended, why it “really” ended, and why she may be taking him through the ringer. She has a perspective as well, and you don’t know what it is.

But, if you choose to stay with him and want to be supportive of him then create a space where he can feel and be at peace. I’m sure agitating and instigating the situation by bringing up his baby momma only riles him up. So, if he vents and wants to talk about it, let him, but don’t you respond. Just let him get it out. Take this opportunity to create fun, joyous, and loving memories with him. Do things together where you two can find happiness and peace. Even if it’s just the two of you at home, having dinner, watching television, and laughing together. That is your time. So, make them special. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Related Links:

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“I’m Single & Want To Date, But I Don’t Think Women Should Ask Men Out, Am I Wrong?”

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

You look good, you smell good and you’re wearing the only matching lingerie set you own. All signs point to go.

You’d think with this many green lights that there’s no way a lady could mess this up. Maybe you’d think that, but you’d be wrong. Here are just a few of the ways this could go south in a hurry:

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1. Don’t depend on him for birth control. Yes, he should carry condoms, but ultimately it’s up to you — it’s your body and you need to keep yourself safe. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be, but the sad fact is, even the nicest seeming guy isn’t always as invested in keeping us disease and pregnancy-free. Even if you’re the kind of traditional lady who insists your date pay for everything (after all, you’re giving him the gift of your company), do not let stubbornness get in the way of your safe good time. And nothing ruins a good time like a below-the-belt itch or unplanned pregnancy.

2. For Pete’s sake, don’t cry. Some of us have a weird habit of occasionally bursting into tears during sex — it’s the rush of endorphins that does it, so blame biology! But, if there’s any way to pull yourself together the first time you make sweet love to your new boyfriend, try to. Waterworks will lead him to believe that either he hurt you–and in that case, will never again do that thing again — or he’ll think that you’re a mental case. Either way, you probably won’t be seeing him again anytime soon.

3. Leave the comparison talk at home. You know how almost every woman you know thinks she’s fat? Yeah, well most guys think they’re, ahem, less endowed than they actually are. Imagine if you thought a size zero was the way you thought you should look just because the model in Vogue was. Sigh.

To read the other three no-nos, click here!

The Type Of Man-Friend A Woman Must Live Without

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a dilemma and I need your advice. I’m a 29-year old successful, educated, well-rounded (you know, the credentials of every great woman), yet I am still single. Why?!? I don’t know.

Lately, I have been meeting men only to have a few conversations on the phone but no dates. Some friends of mine tell me that there is nothing wrong with asking a man out on a date and that I should be more aggressive. Others state that I should not ask men out and let them ask me first. Personally, I’m a firm believer that if a man wants to spend time with you he will ask you out regardless. It should not be a game. Why should I have to ask first?  That’d not my line. He is the man; I am the woman. I know my position. Am I right?!?!

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So I put this “women asking men out” theory to a test…..here is my story.

I recently met a guy at a party. It was obvious we were attracted to one another so we exchanged numbers. We talked on the phone to get to know each other and the conversations were nice, but weeks would go by and still no actual date. At this point I would have stopped talking to him, but I figure let me try this “theory” out to see what the outcome would be.

During one of our many conversations on the phone, I asked him when he is available to hangout. His response, “I have a flexible schedule just let me know when your available.”

Now, at that very moment, I am thinking, okay maybe this theory does work after all.

Then, two days later go by, I text him that I have an opening and we should meet up for dinner and drinks at a chill spot. He texted back, “sounds good.” I texted back with the day and place. He never replies back.

Now, I know he got my text message and he was open once he texted me back with a “sounds good.”

Days have gone by and I haven’t heard from him since. I took his number out my phone because obvious something went hellah wrong. Maybe I overstepped my position as the woman? Maybe he was not interested in the first place? Could he already be involved?  Was I not aggressive enough?  What the hell happen?!?!?!

So my question to you, Terrance, and the Hello Beautiful readers: Should women ask men out or initiate a first date? Please give me the hardcore advice/truth. It will set me free. – Hopeless Dater

Dear Ms. Hopeless Dater,

Well, he’s not the one for you. And, I wouldn’t put too much energy or focus into it. But, Ms. Honey, I will say this: You tried your theory on ONE guy and now you’re making an assumption that ALL men don’t like women asking them out.

And, it just goes to show you, and what I know to be true, that when you are committed to a “story,” or an “idea/thought,” the universe will provide you with the very experience to make your “story,” and “idea/thought” the very reality that you believe to be true.

The ONE man you found attractive, and had some conversations with, and then after several weeks and he had not asked you out, you decide to ask him. But, with that little bit of doubt in the back of your mind, that hesitancy, and reluctance, you figured you’d ask him and see if the theory of asking a man out isn’t such a big deal. And, I’m sure as you’re asking him, you’re thinking to yourself, “This isn’t going to work. This is some bull-ish. Why am I asking him out? He should be asking me. Nothing good is going to come of this.” And, lo and behold, you got what you thought, had been feeling, and continue to think. Now, you get to be right in your self-righteous thoughts that men should ask women out, and not women asking me out.

So, if you really want to date, and you really want to meet a man, and you really want to see if the theory is true, then you’ve got to test more men. You’ve got to get out of your head, out of your negative thought process, and let go of the idea that only men should ask women out. If you truly will let that idea/thought go, then I’m sure you will have a different outcome. And, if you’re wondering why you are single, then, it could be that you’re waiting on Mr. Right to come along. And, sometimes, you may have to speak up and let Mr. Right know that you are available. You may have to approach him, and get his attention. I’m just saying.

But, if you’re committed to the idea that a man should ask a woman out on a date, and that no woman should be so aggressive, or assertive with a man, then don’t worry about what your friends think. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks for that matter. Be patient, and wait on the man. Don’t lose sight of your morals and values because of what others think. If you believe wholeheartedly what you believe, then no one can fault you or make you wrong for it.

But, I am curious as to the part of your story where you say you texted him with a day and place for you two to get together, and he never replied. Sooooooo, why didn’t you call him? This boggles my mind that you were awaiting for him to respond, and when he didn’t, you immediately deleted his number from your phone because you assumed he was not interested. But, yet, you never called him to find out if he got your text. You never called him to confirm the day and place.

You see, this is why I always call folks after I send them a text confirming something if they don’t reply. Because there are times that technology does not always work, and many texts do not go through. I’ve had many friends tell me that they sent a text, but unfortunately I never got them. And, then they discover that it either didn’t go through, or they thought they sent the text but didn’t, and, sometimes my phone was acting up and days later I would get the text. Technology is not reliable, but a phone call is!

Therefore, do what makes you happy. Whatever you feel brings you joy, happiness, and the possibility of being with someone, then do it. But, keep in mind that you’re 29-years old, single, well-rounded, got it going on, but, you’re sitting at home on the weekends while others are out having fun. Mr. Right is not going to show up at your doorstep and ring your bell. You’ve got to put yourself out there and take some chances. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

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The prisoners have full profiles that detail who they are, who they’re looking for when they will or hope to be released. As far as I know, prison pen pals was a thing that helped lonely prisoners feel as if someone cared about them and that very well may be still going on, but this site takes it to the next level.

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Internet dating is scary as it is, now they’ve gone and added the possibility of landing a convicted criminal as your new love interest. Hmm.

Here’s five reasons you may want to consider picking up your next date from MeetAnInmate.com:

1.  One inmate writes, “Over the year of being incarcerated, I’ve come to realize that ‘freedom’ is truly one of the most important things in this world, because without it, we can’t be who or what we really want to be in life. The truth has allowed me to cultivate my mind, and prepare me for what I have lost, which is ‘my freedom’.” One thing’s for sure–your boo will be so glad to be free, they won’t have time to play any games that you normally have to deal with in dating.

2. Most people get a little bored with their loves lives when their significant other is available for them on a daily basis. Depending on your intimate inmate’s release date, seeing them every day is something you will not really have to deal with.

3. Not everyone in prison gives in to the almost inevitable same sex relationship. For those that stand their “straight” ground, they’re almost desperate for someone of the opposite sex to call their own. The devotion that they will show you will be a breath of fresh air if you’re used to dealing with someone that’s dating you, them and someone else.

4. If you’re the type of lover that needs to know where your boo is nine times out of ten, having an inmate as your significant other is perfect. You always know where they are, unless of course that release date comes sooner rather than later.

5. Skeletons in the closet tend to end a lot of relationships. One thing about your prisoner lover–those skeletons are exposed for you to see and if not, you can always Google their record.

Would you find love with an inmate? Let’s discuss on Twitter @Rhapsodani.

Listen To This Behind Bars Playlist

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After actor and radio host Keith Washington and his producer Kerrie read this they decided to discuss 6 things you shouldn’t joke about with black women, check it out here.

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Our dating experts weigh in on this hot topic:

(Jozen Cumming) HE SAID:

When it comes to asking your partner about her past, my advice is the same advice as everyone else: Don’t ask questions for which you don’t want to know the answer.

It’s important to know where a person’s been to get a better understanding of where they are so a little prying can’t hurt. But pry too much and there’s damage that cannot be undone. Just because she’s your woman, does not give you a right to violate her privacy by asking too many questions about a past that has nothing to do with you.

As for the number of partners she’s been with, before you even ask that question, ask yourself, Why does it matter? A question about the number of partners she’s had will probably only give you more questions than answers so leave it alone. Also consider what you can and cannot handle.

Some guys can’t even handle the idea their partner has been with one person before them, let alone two or three or four. Imagine if the number were more than the numbers of fingers she has on one hand, how would you feel knowing that? If you can’t handle such a thought, it’s best to leave the question alone.

No man needs to be concerned with the number of sexual partners his woman has had, so much as he needs to be concerned with the number of partners she has while she’s with him. The question of how many people she has slept with is not as important as how many people she’s sleeping with. As long as she says that number is one, and he’s the only one, he need not worry about how many people came before him.

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(Telisha Ng) SHE SAID:

I will never understand why an individual’s body count (#of sexual partners) would be considered somewhat of a deal breaker in a relationship or even an issue. Someone please help me out! I don’t know about y’alllll but I don’t go around choosing friends and partners based on what they did in the past. I am well aware of the assumptions made about an individual with a high body count. If he/she has that many notches under their belt then they are probably not in pursuit of love, they’re easy, they’re ho etc.

Do you tell or not tell? The scrutiny and criticism that come with these assumptions make the topic uncomfortable to discuss in the first place, so I do not blame folks for wanting to keep that type of information to themselves. On a personal level I would tell but I would then become turned off VERY quickly.

I really feel that if you trying to get to know a person in the present time your focus needs to be on what this person is bringing to the table at that very moment. It comes down to this- Are you more concerned with your reputation or sexual health?

We often get so caught up in the details that we are often missing the big picture. While you’re hung up on body counts, whether or not to label somebody a hoe you missed the boat. Conversations about body count get heated across the nation yet STDs and AIDS and steadily on the rise. Your partner could swear to the grave that their body count in virtually non-existent but by no means should that be an excuse for lax safe sex practices.

I say let’s start asking more important questions- What’s your status?

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I read your blog, “I slept with him, now he is ignoring me.”

It was very interesting and you definitely know how to give good advice. I have been seeing somebody for 9 months now. We were together for 8 months when we had sex. I was a virgin, and believed in sex after marriage until he came in and changed it.

He was very pushy for sex throughout our relationship, and I decided to hold it back. So, we had a break-up on the 18th of March because I wouldn’t be a real girlfriend by sleeping with him, I guess, and that he was sexually frustrated. So, I told him, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be with me. I’ll let you go and I’ll move on.” I didn’t want to beg him like always to, “come back and I love him, etc.”

people talk about you like a dog and how you didn’t have enough seating and you ran out of food, etc.

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He was fed up with being needy. He texts me later on saying, “meet me tomorrow, we’ll talk this through.” And, I say “No, I have college tomorrow.” And, he says “last chance.” So, I got a little worried and I went to see him. So, we get to his house and he takes me into his bedroom. He starts taking my clothes off and he says, “I just want to lay down with you naked,” and I thought, “Oh, okay, at least he doesn’t want to screw me.” Then, it kind of went a bit sexual. He puts on a condom and does the deed. And, I lay there hoping that he’ll change from that day onwards, and that he’ll see that I love him.

Guess not. Two weeks later I realize I’m pregnant. My blood test confirms this. I let him know of this – at first he seemed okay – we were discussing what we were going to do. And, then a couple of weeks later he’s picking fights with me over stupid things, being cold, and being distant. I’m all alone and don’t know what to do. There are days where he disappears and doesn’t talk to me and I’m left feeling miserable and used. Any advice would be great. – Thought Sex Would Make Him Happy

Dear Ms. Thought Sex Would Make Him Happy,

Well, be prepared to care for this child alone. Be prepared to have an absentee father in your life. And, be prepared to go to court and get sole custody, and child support.

The hell is wrong with your dumb ass for going back on your morals and values!?!? If you didn’t want to have sex before marriage, then why change your mind? Is it because you thought he would change, and be the boyfriend you wanted him to be? Honey, sex doesn’t make a man commit to you. It only makes a man think he got something that no one else has. And, in your case, nearly every man wants a virgin. They want to be the first, because you always remember your first, but, your slow ass made a foolish mistake and now you’re pregnant. Yup, the saying is true – it only takes one time.

He clearly wasn’t expecting for you to become pregnant, and thus he’s thinking to himself, “What the hell did I do? I just “F’d” up my life.” And, not only is he not thinking about you, he’s not even concerned about his unborn child. He isn’t thinking of how this affects you. He’s not thinking of the next 18 years and how he has to take care of this child financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Yeah, this is a big deal and big responsibility, and clearly neither of you thought of the consequences.

Well, wake your asses up, and start coming up with a plan. You need to sit down with him and come up with visitation, support, and it’s obvious you two are not going to be a couple, if you already haven’t broken up, but you’ve got to consider how the child is going to be raised. Your life has officially changed, and now you two knuckleheads are going to be in each other’s live, FOREVER!!!

Please, please, please I do hope that you learned a lesson from this – do not ever jeopardize, or renege on your morals and values for ANYONE! Stay committed to yourself, and your commitment to your well-being. Regardless of how someone makes you feel, or tries to manipulate you into something you’re not comfortable doing, DO NOT GIVE IN. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

I hope that you are receiving pre-natal care, and taking care of your health. I also hope that you have a strong support system, i.e. family, friends, and relatives who will be there during the pregnancy, and after. Because your man is not interested in being a father, a dad, or boyfriend. He’s made it abundantly clear that he is not vested in you and the child’s life.

And, I strongly encourage you to go to court and get child support payments set up. Because as soon as the child is born your boyfriend is really going to show you his ass to kiss. He’s already bending over and telling you to look at it by disappearing and not talking to you, and picking fights with you over little things. Honey, he is looking for a way out. Don’t budge, and don’t let him make you feel guilty or bad. You’re pregnant. You’re not supposed to be stressed or worried. Don’t put the energy off on that child. Now, get yourself a backbone, and self-esteem and get ready to take his ass to court. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

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Single Black Women Tired of Being a Spectacle

1. Women Do Not Always Have To Be Right: Sadly enough this cuts down like 50% of the ‘women’ over the age of 25. A woman while confident in her opinions and beliefs will willingly listen to and accept that others will not share the same opinion and be able to keep peace throughout the storm. A chickenhead will become verbally aggressive to get her point across, through and to the bitter death. Annnnd although she may know that she is right will let her partner feel as though he is because men are allowed to have one victory out of ten #womancode #menthankmelater
2. Women Refrain From Putting Others Down: Let’s face it we all do a little people bashing from time to time but a woman knows her limitations and frankly has more important matters to attend to. A chickenhead will spend an ample amount of time preaching from her holier than thou pulpit, until your ears ache.
3. Women Live Within Their Means: Men, many of the other women you dated may have demanded coach purses and toted around Louis this and Gucci that, but a woman with a firm grip on her personal finances would rather see her money grow then put on a show.
4. Women Have Hobbies and Are Active in Extra-curricular Activities: It’s not that chickenheads don’t have hobbies or extra-curricular activities; they usually just don’t involve things you can speak about with the family over dinner.
5. Women Take An Interest In Learning About Others: Although collecting model cars may not be her thing, she will do her best to learn about the activity in order to know more about you.
6. Women Do Not Accept The Victim Role: This is a tough one and relates back to #1. One of the most definitive factors between a girl and a woman is that a woman knows how to move on after tragedy. This means that she seeks out help, is willing to work through her issues and refuses to wallow in them.
7. Women Put Family First: A woman will sacrifice splurging on a brand new leather tee, Watch the Throne concert, and a day at the spa to have QT with her folks, or her children. She recognizes that men, an active nightlife and an all-inclusive vacation are things that flail in comparison to her loved ones.
8. Women Love Themselves: This is also a difficult concept to grasp because intangible but a woman who loves herself carries herself with the utmost respect and grace. She gives off an aura of confidence that is more contagious than it is pretentious or unattainable. People feel comfortable in her presence and want to be around her.
9. Women Know When To Say No: I’ll be real with you I got this from that Raheem Devaughan joint, ‘Woman’ but it’s so true. A woman recognizes when a man isn’t ready to love her the way she deserves to be loved and has the strength and dignity to tell you no. Her value system is so intact that she has no problem turning down a man’s pre-mature yet charming advances.
10. Women Willingly Sacrifice Appearance: This is a major one. With our society being so commercialized and superficial a woman who can sacrifice getting regular mani and pedis or going on shopping trips to make ends meet or to save up for that new house or all inclusive vacation has come into her own. It’s not that she isn’t materialistic, because she may very well love and deserve her regular pampering but she has the ability to see into the future and stick to a plan that requires discipline and love. Sacrifice is one of the key elements of love.

Theirs is not much in life that is guaranteed because it’s constantly evolving and we are constantly learning however, I came up with this list by observing the qualities of women who I admire and look up to. Sacrifice, be open to new experiences, and loving yourself is what separates the girls from the women. Like I mentioned before it’s impossible to have everything down pact, but that’s what makes life so exciting, the struggle, the victory and the growth.

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About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

Confidence

A universal winner, but it’s not just about what you say and do. It’s also about what you don’t do. Confident people don’t need to make themselves known for the sake of being seen and heard. They don’t need to proclaim it from center stage at Summer Jam. They don’t need to offer unsolicited criticism and judgments about what others are doing, what they’re wearing, and/or who they’re with. Confident people don’t snoop or question every opposite sex friend. Confident people embrace both their strengths and weaknesses. They’re concerned with controlling what’s in their power, not what’s outside of it. That’s sexy.

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Passion

Passion isn’t only infectious, it’s sexy. Men love hearing women speak passionately about the things and people they love (unless it’s about the ex they haven’t gotten over) and their dreams. Passion inspires. And inspiration is one of the key things that drives us toward you, to support you, to love you, and to become better ourselves. What’s even sexier is seeing you not just speak about your passions, but to display it through your actions. Seeing you pursue your dreams with determination is a definitely win.

Read the rest of the reasons here.

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Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I recently got out of a two year relationship because the distance was causing a big problem (I’m in the Air Force and stationed away from home), along with the fact that I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused by my ex. Things got so bad between us I had two miscarriages and tried to take my life from an overdose. I was in the hospital for two weeks. I know that was stupid now that I look back on it so no need to say it, even though I know you will.

I’ve met a couple of men after this bad relationship and things were going smooth, but I found myself pushing them away when things were going good because I’m afraid to get hurt again. I mean I would start arguments over nothing. I guess I didn’t want to be the one to end things. I wanted the dirt on their hands. Hell, I can’t even bring myself to save a guy’s number in my phone. I feel like I’ve let my guard down if I even do that.

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I wasn’t dumb enough to jump back in a relationship after that bad one because I had to get back to loving me, and I’ve done that. I know to never let any man become the focal point of my life to where I feel like nothing without them. I’ve met someone new and things have been going good. We have been getting to know each other for about three months now and WE HAVE not slept together nor has he tried to. Now, my girls only tell me that he hasn’t tried because, “he’s getting it from somewhere else,” and “you’re only 21, why won’t you just have fun with people. Why do you want to be tied down?”

He has a lot going for him. He is in the military too and in school. He admires the things that no one else has ever noticed about me. He even says he knows I have my guard up, and I try to start arguments to push him away (I am working on stopping that, I swear!) and he says he doesn’t pay attention to me when I do that. He let’s it roll of his shoulders. I find myself doing it less and less. BUT, there’s a catch, he’s going through a divorce and has three kids. He has tried to introduce me to them but I declined. I don’t want to meet them if it’s not something serious. He always says things like, “I think you will be a good step-mom.”  I know that right there should have been my sign to run for the hills, but I don’t know if I should. Yes, he is technically someone else’s, but there is something there. I need help and some advice. Is this a recipe for another heartbreak or could I be staring my future in the eye?  UGH HELP ME!!!! – Is He The One

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Dear Ms. Is He The One,

Chile, I swear you folks will say that after a tumultuous relationship of mental, physical, and emotional abuse that you will never go down that road again. You swear off any signs of danger when you meet new people, and you have your guard up so damn high, hell, Jesus can’t even see over the wall.

Yet, you’ve met some men after your bad relationship, but pushed them away because things were going too good and you didn’t want to get hurt again. Men who were potential mates and probably some good men, but because you think things are too good to be true, and eventually they will do something to harm you, thus, you end the relationship/courtship. However, you meet a man who has a lot going for him. He’s in the military and in school. He admires things about you that no one seemed to have noticed, and he though he knows you have your guard up he doesn’t let it affect him. That turns you on, doesn’t it? The thought of this man not being bothered by you and tantrums. SMDH!

But, lo and behold, there is a catch. He’s married, going through a divorce, and has three kids. And, you, the woman who has sworn off drama, stress, and heartache, is thinking to yourself that there is something there with this man because of what now? Please tell me what do you have in common with a married man? What do you have in common with a man who has three children?

You’re asking me if this is a recipe for another heartbreak, or could your future be staring you right in the eye. LBMAO! Yes, you’re right. Your future is staring you right in the eye. A future of more drama, stress, and heartache. WOMAN! You are repeating the same vicious cycle over again. You’re just replacing it with a married man. And, a married man with three kids at that.

Please get you some business, and leave this married man alone. He’s not for you. He’s not going to make you his wife, and the step-mother of his children. He is blowing smoke up your ass, and just like every other woman who has dated a married man who’s told them that they would leave their wives for them, IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! He is lying to you. Every word coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don’t fall for it, believe it, or listen to it. As a matter of fact, tell him to stop calling you and to leave you alone.

There is a lot of healing you need to continue focusing on. There is a lot of mending of your heart and soul and spirit. You are a broken woman who tried to commit suicide after your last relationship. There is something unstable about that, and you need to be in counseling. You need to be speaking with a certified specialist who can get to the root of your issues and problems and address it. I want you to know that your judgment is definitely impaired, because you think dating a married man with three kids is the man for you. HELLO!!!!! Do you hear it, and yourself? UGH!

You’re in the Air Force, please seek out a counselor and talk with them about your past relationship, and how to truly heal and mend yourself. Please be open and honest and let them know that you tried to commit suicide, because that is not normal. And, know this, if you’re not healed emotionally, mentally, and physically, then it’s impossible for you to bring someone into your life who can possibly love you because you don’t love yourself. Also, find yourself a church or spiritual home where you can connect with empowered, and enlightened folks who can be a source of inspiration. You need to be reconnected to a loving source. And, your friends telling you to get out, and date, and have fun, well, it may sound good in their intentions, but right now you should not be focused on dating. Your focus should be on you and reclaiming your life. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

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“He Won’t Leave Me Alone Despite Me Telling Him That I’m Not Interested In Him”

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Three important questions you must ask your honey about money.    

We all want it. We all need it. But for one reason or another, most of us find it difficult to talk about money especially when the conversation involves our significant other. No matter how hard the talk is to have, the reality is that you can’t create a truly great relationship until you can openly communicate about money.

Think about dating relationships. Money is the one subject people will lie about most. People tend to stretch the truth a bit when it comes down to talking about the dollar. They do all kinds of things to influence how others perceive their finances. While some conceal their money so they can be certain they’re not being used, others spend money they don’t have trying to impress the object of their affection. This may work out with surface level interaction, but when dating becomes a full blown relationship, it’s time to get real. Here are a few questions to help you get there:

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1. “How did your parents handle money?”

We all have a financial blueprint; the way we specifically interact with our money. For most of us, our financial blueprint was handed down to us by our parents, almost like a strand of DNA. But, it’s important to remember that no one is born with a particular attitude towards money. We were all taught how to act and think about money matters. These conscious and subconscious beliefs, ideals, thoughts and actions are what create our financial blueprint.

Talk to each other about what you heard about money and what types of behaviors you witnessed regarding money and financial matters. Once you can understand the environment a person grew up in or the way their parents or other influential people in their life handled money, it’s easier and much less frustrating to understand a person’s money style.

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2. “What does money really mean to you?”

When it comes to our relationships, money is NOT the issue that many seem to believe it is. Money–that little green piece of paper in your wallet–in and of itself is powerless. It’s actually what the money represents to two different individuals that becomes problematic.

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Money represents different things to different people. Money and material items might equate to love and affection for some. For others, it could represent the difference between control and dependency or safety and stability. If a person was brought up in a family, where expensive presents were given as a sign of love and affection, they might expect to get the same treatment from a partner even as an adult. But suppose their partner was raised to believe that working hard, saving money and providing a stable home environment meant love and affection? These are where two people who may mean well, can often bump heads.

3. “Despite our differences, how can we create and commit to shared financial goals?”

Here’s where the “So What, Now What?” attitude comes in. If you’re not going to break up over the fact that you’re a spender and he’s a saver, then it’s time to figure out what goals are most important to you–individually and as a couple. If it’s too early in the relationship to be considering larger goals like purchasing a home together, then create individual goals and hold each other accountable. Now that you know each others’ financial strengths and weaknesses, don’t use them as tools to condemn one another. Rather, use it as a way to empower each other to be better, do better and achieve more. After all, relationships, romantic or otherwise, should always leave you better than they found you. . . eh, well, we hope so!

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Patrice C. Washington is the blogger at SeekWisdomFindWealth and the author of Real Money Answers. Follow her on Twitter at @SeekWisdomPCW for practical tips on wisdom, wealth & business.

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I read your posts daily and love the advice you give to others, I’m hoping you can help me with my issue as I really don’t know where else to turn.

Back in July of 2009 I began dating a wonderful guy 6 years older than myself (I was 22, he was 28).  We went through a lot together from that point on, dealing with my terrible roommate issues, me finding a “real job” (I was just out of college), and various family problems on both sides.  He helped me through it all and I really don’t think I could have done it without him; he’s very supportive and understanding and just overall in tune with my feelings; something I have never ever had before in a relationship.

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In May of 2010 we moved in together.  Everything was going really well, but about 3 months later I decided I couldn’t continue on in the relationship. I didn’t think that he could give me what I was searching for in the long-term and allow me to make bigger moves for myself. A bit of back-story, I am white and he is Black. I graduated from a prestigious NC University and he is a HS graduate working as Teacher’s Aide for disabled children. I drive and own my own car; he has neither a license nor car. He also smokes weed, a lot. I’m not saying I don’t either but we’re talking a nearly $80/week habit to the point where he would rather go broke for a week and have weed than save his money. He was also great around the house and everything, but I was the one in charge and basically telling him what to do in terms of money and long-term planning.

I began to feel as if I was his mother more-so than a girlfriend at times when it came to planning out long-term goals and the future. All of these factors caused me to end the relationship under the guise that we both needed to work on ourselves and figure out what we want so we can come back a stronger couple.

Obviously he was devastated (he had put money on a ring, ugh!)  and I have never been more upset about something in my life, still I thought it was something I had to do. I moved out and he moved back into our apartment with a roommate. Since then we have maintained contact. We see each other regularly and still have sex, with the understanding of monogamy.

My problem is that since that day I have not stopped thinking about him or us. I wake up every day thinking about him and go to bed doing the same. I carry around this regret of not being with him every second and I really think it’s slowly killing me. I cry constantly. I’ve gone out with other men, but I’m always comparing them to my ex. I’ve tried to bring up my feelings to him but each time I get super flustered and blubbery (I’ve never been able to control my tears well) and I never feel like I can get my point clearly across (this makes him upset and he always tell me to stop crying but I can’t help it!)

Yet, he always says that he “needs to do things to better himself so we can maybe get back together.” He has not changed a thing mind you. But at this point I don’t care, I just want him back. I’ve come to realize that he fulfilled my emotional needs so much that I can deal with everything else. He was my rock and motivation and now I feel kind of like the walking dead, just going through the motions without any direction because the situation is really consuming me. I really do believe that we are meant to be together but I don’t know what to do! I know I should walk away and try and move on with the hopes that he’ll want me back too but I can’t bear the thought of losing him. Please help me I really have no ideas but I know I can’t continue on in this painful limbo any longer. – Regret Gets Exhausting

“My Husband Is A Serial Cheater, Should I Stay For Our Kids?”

Dear Ms. Regret Gets Exhausting,

SMDH! I bet you understand now what singer Joni Mitchell was singing about, huh? “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

Look, I understand what you’re going through. I mean, what woman wouldn’t have done what you did? Chile, the man smokes weed every day. His habit costs him $80 a week and he’d rather go broke than give up his weed. LMBAO! Honey, he must not be bringing in that much money. He has a high school diploma with no ambition to go to college. And, it appears he had no ambition to do anything else. I mean he is 6 years older than you, and the man doesn’t have a car or driver’s license. And, by my calculations, he is 30 years old. SMDH! Why? WHY, I ASK?

But, what I don’t understand is why you want to get back with him, well, let me digress for a bit. You broke up, but say you two keep in contact, continue having sex, saying you’re monogamous, you moved out and he moved in with a roommate. Uhm, boo boo, NEWS FLASH, you’re still in a relationship with him. Y’all didn’t break up. The only dynamic that has changed is your living situation. Girl, I can’t today! Not with this nonsense. And, you say you’re the one with the degree from a prestigious NC University? You sure it wasn’t one of those “prestigious” universities in the backwoods?

Why, Lawd, why do people do these asinine things in their relationships and then expect a different result? If you moved in with him in May 2010, and you already moved out, and it hasn’t been a year, uhm, sweetie, what am I missing here? You knew what you were getting when you dated him, yet you moved in with him. Oh, yeah, here we go again, You Thought He Would Change! Girl, miss me on that dark North Carolina road you driving on.

Like you said, he hasn’t changed since you two, uhm, broke-up, no, that’s not it. Sleeping together with benefits, no, that’s not it. Chile, whatever the hell you two are doing, the point is the man hasn’t, isn’t, and probably won’t change. He is 30 years old! You are 24 years old! You can meet another man. And, let me say this loudly for you because I know how slow you can be, YOU CAN MEET ANOTHER MAN! Notice the emphasis on MAN!

You said you felt more like his mother than a girlfriend. Yes, you were his mother. He needed you to tell him what to do, how to do, and when to do it. Honey, that gets tiring. But, I want you to look deep down inside yourself and search long and hard, and ask yourself this question, ‘Do you want a man or a boy? Or, do you want a boy with a grown man d**k?’ BAMN! BOOM! POW!

But, check this out. You noticed when you moved out, he moved into your apartment with a roommate. The man cannot obviously live on his own financially. What the hell?!?!? Girl, you get back in that relationship if you want to, but don’t you dare send me another letter talking about, “I loved him and helped him get on his feet, and I co-signed a car for him and he promised to pay the note, but he isn’t I am. And, I helped him get into school, and he’s not taking it serious. He’s still smoking weed all day, and he now I’m pregnant and I don’t think he can care for me and our child financially on his $12 an hour job.”

Look, Ms. Regrets Gets Exhausting, you need to cut all ties from the man. I don’t understand folks who end relationships, yet keep in contact with their ex, and then sleep with them. Uhm, what the “F” are you doing? If it’s over, then it’s over. Move on. Let go. If you keep them around, then you definitely won’t be able to move on. And, this unofficial “relationship” you two have going needs complete closure. And, I mean close your legs, mouth, and every other open orifice he is putting that schlong in. Girl, you need to learn the difference between sprung and what emotional, mental and financially availability is. If he can’t take care of you now, he won’t be able to take care of you six months, six years, or six hours from now. You’ve said during this little hiatus where you two separated that he has not made any effort into getting himself together, even though he has told you that he needs to work on him. Please, please, please get you some self-esteem. I’m sure there is a Wal-Mart in North Carolina, where prices are always low, and you can buy you some. Stop thinking he is the end all and be all. You’ve got a lot going for you. If you don’t recognize your own greatness, power, beauty, and worth, then guess what, no one else will. And, finally, you need to stop smoking that weed because whatever hoodoo, voodoo, or shoodoo he put up in it, it’s got you acting crazee! Honey, I’m done. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would stay in a relationship with a man who you knew could not financially support you, smoked weed every day, and had no ambition?

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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

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Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

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Be a Woman All Day, Everywhere
Take pride and dignity in your womanhood. Have self respect. I tell women every day that if you don’t respect yourself, then no one in the relationship respects you. You make everyone else respect you, why do you let a man disrespect you? A man shouldn’t even have a choice in whether or not he is going to respect you.

Be Independent
Not just financially, but be an independent thinker overall. Take the time to learn you and what works best for you instead of taking someone else’s advice and forcing yourself into a box. Your core person should not change simply because you are in a relationship. Be independent of your man and have your own life, goals and ambitions.

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Stay On Your Tippy Toes
Don’t get comfortable and lazy on your man. Don’t just think that he is going to marry you because you have been together for a few years. Get fine-ER, get smart-ER, be bett-ER. A man wants to see growth in you and wants to be excited about who you will be in the future.

Turn His House Into a Home
As a single brother, my crib had the bare necessities. A woman came by one day and slowly started to upgrade my stuff in a very subtle but profound way because no woman had ever done it before. First it was a couple nice decorative candles; then she replaced my picture frames and artwork. She helped me paint a couple of rooms in my house. I was like “She knows what she doing, I am going to marry her.”

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“I Cooked For Him, We Had Sex & Weeks Afterward He Only Texted Me To Find Out The Recipe”

Put A Ring On It! Torian & Chriny

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I have been on this dating/flirt website for about two years now. I get on there every so often and whenever I’m bored. That’s it. But, one day I got on there and was browsing through the different guys pictures and profiles and I came across this one sexy guy’s pictures and profile. I just had to get to know more about him because he was just that sexy to me.

We started sending each other messages back and forth and he told me some things about him, and I told him some basic things about me. I didn’t take him serious at first. It was just flirting, but then as we started sending each other more messages I was very eager to talk to him off of the site. So, I suggested we should exchange numbers. I sent him my number to let him know I am definitely interested in him and that I want to get to know more about him. His response was like, “I got you mami.” I asked why you can’t send me your number and he never actually gave me a direct response or an answer. So, I left it alone and didn’t even think nothing of it, and we just kept sending messages back and forth.

So, a year passed and we were still sending each other messages. At this point I’m still not really taking with him too serious. This year makes it two years and we still are sending each other messages. Long story short, we started talking about him wanting me to come see him and how he wants to see me in person, and I was like I would love to come see him and all but he hasn’t even given me his number yet, and never gave me a direct answer on why he couldn’t send me his number. So, I said to him that I want to be able to hear his voice instead of us keep sending each other messages because now I’m really interested in him even more. So, I sent him my number for the second time and then I was waiting for him to send me his number, but, yet again his response was once again, “I got you mami.”

At this point my female intuition is in full force and I’m thinking the obvious, either he has a woman and they stay together, or he’s married. At this point that’s a red flag to me and he is not being real with me and not being honest with me, which I didn’t want to think the obvious of those options. Moral of the story is that I really want to go and visit him me and a few friends this summer, but the main issue/problem remains is that I do not have his number. I’ve told him that I’m not coming unless he produces/sends me his number, and he was like he was going to give me his number when I get ready to come.

Should I hold him to his word on that? I just want to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume the obvious. If I decide not to go, then I feel that I won’t get to at least find out in person if I can get my questions answered honestly. What is your honest opinion/advice on this issue/problem? Should I just leave the situation alone and delete my profile? What are the exact questions I should be asking him? – Undecided and Confused

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Dear Ms. Undecided and Confused,

Hold up, let me grab my big bag of cheddar cheese popcorn and turn on the television. I want to be ready when the breaking news graphics comes across my television for the upcoming news….One moment…..One moment….One moment….Okay, I’m ready.

Yes, please go. Please go and see who this mysterious man is. The man you’ve been communicating with via email for two years, whom you’ve never seen, nor heard his voice, and the same man whom you given your phone number to, yet, he has never produced his phone number for you. Yes, run your happy d**k thirsty ass to wherever he tells you to come, and get in his car, and go to his home, alone. And, if he offers you something to drink, and he leaves you alone in his living room while he goes into the kitchen and comes back with a glass of something to drink, I want you to gulp it down. Drink every got damn drop of it!

I can’t believe you actually wrote me this damn letter. You had the gall and audacity to sit up here and ask this ole’ basic ass question about some damn man you met on a dating/flirt website. Were you enrolled in special needs classes? Why am I asking that question, of course you were.

Let me get this straight: Some man, who could have Googled and pulled any picture from off the internet and used it as his profile, and created this whole persona, and one day as you were perusing through the profiles you happened upon his and had to get to know him because he was “sexy.” So, was your brain actually working, or was your p***y speaking for you?

You hit this man up, start communicating with him, which leads to flirting, and your thirsty ass decides to make the first move and send him your number. (For the record, a lady or woman doesn’t and shouldn’t make the first move on a man via a dating/flirting website. That indicates how thirsty, hungry, and eager you are for some companionship and d**k). Moving on, you send him your number, and when he doesn’t send you his, you keep communicating with him, because, let me guess, you love the mystery and thrill of this anonymous man who has captured your heart, and speaking the love language you’ve been longing to hear for a while now.

Let me ask you this: The first time, after you approached him, made the first move, and he didn’t reciprocate, how did that make you feel? Did you feel rejected? Were you upset? Confused? Bothered? Bewildered? Process those emotions and get back to me after you’ve made an assessment of your basic retarded thirsty self.

Then, you keep communicating with him, and again you send him your number, and he doesn’t reciprocate, you become suspicious and think he may have a wife or live with his girl, but he invites you to come visit him, and you are strongly considering it? (Ladies, this is what someone who is desperate, and lonely sounds like). But, he still hasn’t given you his number, and he tells you that he will only give you his number once he knows that you are coming for certain. (Nods my head and cocks my arm behind me). Sooooo, this same man whom you think has a wife or lives with his girl, and this same man who hasn’t given you his number after you’ve given him yours (twice), and this same man whom you’ve never seen, or heard his voice, and you are thinking about going to visit him having all of this information beforehand?  (Swings in slow motion and slaps the –ish out of you).

Yeah, take your dumbass to go visit him and let me know how it goes. Damn, you won’t be able to let me know how it goes because I’ll see it on the evening news with the headline: WOMAN CHOPPED UP AND EATEN AFTER MEETING MYSTERIOUS MAN ONLINE. And, your friends will be doing interviews on The Today Show, and Good Morning America, and they’ll be crying saying how you were a good person, and you were just looking for love. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“When Me And My Boyfriend Broke Up, I Messed Around With His Best Friend”

“We’ve Been Casually Dating, But Recently He Doesn’t Respond To My Texts Or Calls”

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Almost two years ago I met this guy while I was waiting on line at the store. We’d never spoken before, but I knew of him in high school and he had a history of bouncing from girl to girl.

He’s very good-looking, charming, ambitious, and somehow he finds a way to make extreme confidence look sexy (as Remy Ma would say, “He got a reason”). When he approached me I knew what to expect from a guy like him. I figured he had way too many options to feel the need to be a ONE woman kind of man, and we’re youngin’s in our 20’s, so I didn’t expect a wedding ring. After a six month relationship I was in prior to, I just wanted to have some fun. No-strings attached, exactly what his type wants surprise, surprise.

Four months into our “relationship,” he decides that HE wants a commitment, and I’m reluctant at first, but gradually I warm up to the idea—It’s not as if I was sleeping with anyone else, he just didn’t know that— and our relationship turns serious.

—-> Enter stage left: HIS CRAZY ASS EX!! And by ex I mean ex-plaything. They were never in a committed relationship and she couldn’t care less about me until she realized me and homeboy was getting serious. She schemed and manipulated and stirred the pot in every way she could, and he ended up cheating on me with her one night after we got into a huge fight about me, “not caring” (I can’t win with this one. If I ask 21 questions and attack every floosy on his Facebook flirting then I’m an angry-nagging black woman, but if I don’t get jealous and I trust the guy completely then it means I  don’t give a -ish. WTF?!)

I didn’t find out about it until months later, but when I did I heard it from his best friend’s ex-girlfriend. She told me this right before letting me in on the fact that my now ex-boyfriend’s best friend– the one who always went out of his way to tease and clown me, had feelings for me, to the extent that she ended their relationship. The whole night was a soap opera in the making.

Now I’m sure you know exactly where this is going. I was upset and hurt when I found out, and on the night in question, more than a little drunk after the news. After I broke up with him and stormed out of the party, his best friend took me home . Tears led to hugging, that led to kissing, and we didn’t actually sleep together — I stopped it before it got that far–but he’s his BEST FRIEND of over 10 years, since childhood, so in a way I might as well have.

My ex has been begging me for another chance, and I love him. I really do. I understand that people mistakes — me with his BFF case & point—and, I’m willing to forgive him and work towards trusting him again, but I’m pretty sure he wont forgive me, or his best friend, for what almost happened. Even though we weren’t together at the time, I don’t think it matters.

I’ve accepted the double standard for myself, but I don’t want to be “the bitch” that ruined their friendship forever. But, I also don’t want to spend the next few years in the same room as them two without addressing it. They both have feelings for me and even if I did have a moment with his best friend –if I’m being completely honest, we have developed a close friendship over the past two years— My EX is the one I want to be with. Should I keep my mouth shut and hope his friend never says a word or confess? Is admitting a kiss really worth ruining two relationships permanently? Do you think my ex could get past it with either of us? – Ms. Damned If I Do Or Don’t

Dear Ms. Damned If I Do Or Don’t,

Chile, this is why I stay away from folks like you, and your “peoples.” All this drama and madness because y’all don’t know how to control your lustful and carnal nature. You are damn wrong. Your ex is damn wrong. And, the best friend is damn wrong. I see that ignorance is at an all time high.

If you knew the man had a history and past of being a player, a smooth talker, a charmer, and a history of bouncing from girl to girl, then what made you think that he would be oh so faithful and committed to you? Dumbass! I swear. You folks will rush to be in relationships with folks just so you can have a notch in your bedpost and to brag that you were letting them run up in you, but somehow and someway you were the one to tame them and make them commit to you. Really? Really! Miss Thang you are a damn trip in a half.

I do hope your ex finds out what you and his so-called best friend supposedly didn’t do. I hope you don’t believe that I really am that naïve and stupid to believe that you and the best friend didn’t do anything? I hope you don’t think that I’m a big ole’ donkey, like you, and will believe that you won’t hold that ace in your back pocket so the next time your boyfriend decides to bang some other chick, and you are soooooo upset and hurt, that you run right into the arms of the best friend for comfort? Girl, I’m not that dumb. I know how this game is played. I’ve been there, done it, and reinvented the damn game!

Your boyfriend’s best friend is not his best friend. Please, trust and believe, that if he has feelings for you, and made an attempt to sleep with you, that he has done this in the past with his friend’s girls. It’s a pattern, and he’s a sneaky ass low down snake. He waits in the grass, preying on all of the girl’s who were hurt and dumped by his friend, and he rushes in to provide comfort and a listening ear. Girl, wake your dumb ass up to this game and stop being played. Silly ass rabbit. They both are baiting you. Just like every other girl they’ve “played” with, and “toyed” with. All of you are just pawns in this game, and you’re so freaking wrapped up, talking about, “I love him.” Really, girl? Love? LMBAO!

Please do me a favor and grow the hell up and stop acting so freaking brand new. This childish ass antic you have going on is not cute or attractive. If you were a grown ass woman and lady, then you wouldn’t allow yourself to be used, played, and manipulated by two seasoned gaming ass little boys who don’t know how to be men or treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. But, in order to be respected and treated with dignity then you must carry yourself in such a manner. And, you my dear, well…that’s up for discussion.

And, I know you like the fact that you have two men running behind you, panting, and having a pissing contest for your attention. You love it. You can sit in the room acting shy and innocent knowing that at any moment you can sleep with his best friend, and the two of you can have an affair behind his back. You love this game. Just know that the game will end one day, and you will be the loser. You may be winning now, but once your hand is shown and revealed, the joke will be on you!

Here’s what I suggest: Don’t get back into a relationship with your ex. It is doomed. It is a relationship and recipe for disaster. He doesn’t respect you, nor does he love you, or like you. No man who has a woman or lady will disrespect her by sleeping around with other women, and then come back home to you and lay up with you and run up in you raw. No man who has a woman or lady will accuse of her “not caring,” and use that as an excuse to go out and do whatever he pleases. So, why put yourself in these situations and predicaments where you can’t win? Why allow yourself to be deceived, manipulated, and lied to? Why play this game with him when he clearly has not grown since high school and he still thinks he’s the charmer, and ladies man? You can do bad all by yourself. And, then to add on top of it, his best friend is trying to sleep with you at your weakest moment. He’s trying to take advantage of you when you are vulnerable. If that’s what you want, and you like the fact that you have two men running after, then let the ghetto hood games begin.

But, I tell you this, if you say something to your ex-boyfriend about hooking up with his best friend, then don’t think that their friendship will end. He will dump you before he dumps his best friend. Men are not like women. Their boys can sleep with their girl’s, or exes, and they will still be best friends the next day. You will be ass out because your man feels that you can’t be trusted. You are the one who allowed yourself to be played by his best friend. You are the one who is a low down dirty whore. And, it’s you who should have resisted the temptation, and not let another man bang your back out, especially his best friend. Despite the fact that his best friend crossed the line, and despite the fact that you are his girl, men just don’t see it the same way as women. So, keep your mouth, legs, and every other orifice closed. Move on with your life, and remove both of them from it. They are not worth the game or time. You have so much more to offer, especially to yourself. It’s time to have some dignity, respect, and self-worth. It’s time to become a lady and woman and stop playing these childish ass little girl games. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

“We’ve Been Casually Dating, But Recently He Doesn’t Respond To My Texts Or Calls”

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Let’s say you want out… now: Leaving in a hurry could be a really bad decision.  Unless the night was a COMPLETE mistake, you should probably give him a heads up.  What if you try to make a quick getaway and pull a Cinderella by leaving something behind  that could lead him to you? Even if this isn’t someone that you ever want to see again, let him know.  You don’t want him to think you’re interested and continue to contact you until you have to block his number.  Pull the “late for a meeting” excuse and jet.  The easiest way to avoid future contact without sounding completely rude is by avoiding giving out your contact information.

Is Long Distance The Wrong Distance?

You had fun? Keep it going without coming off as clingy: If this is someone that you like and want to see again, you want to let him know without seeming too serious too fast.  Throw on his dress shirt and get both of you some coffee.  Have a small breakfast together and leave.  Don’t stay for too long, and he will probably want to get dinner with you later that night.  This is when you might want to pull a Cinderella.  If you’re feeling adventurous, leave behind a little something (make up, scarf) that he will hold onto until you see each other again.

Unsure? Need some more time? Give yourself a few days so that you don’t keep doing the same thing then regretting it.  Make a plan for later in the week and see how you feel until then.  Use that time to try to figure out his deal and decide if it’s something that you want to pursue.  Just remember that one drunken night doesn’t make you obligated to see him again- It’s important to do what you want to.

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

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But as THE RELATIONSHIPBEAST I find it necessary to close this gap in my relationship expertise. I have to provide something to my millions and millions and millions of fans globally and universally who decide that they still need Closure even though I done told them that they don’t need it. (#GoUniversalORGoHome)

So here we go! If you need closure here it is. It is right here forever more. If you had an ex-boyfriend that didn’t give you closure five years ago and you still need it  . . . the following letter will suffice. If you broke up with your 2^nd boyfriend today  . . . the following letter will suffice. If you break up with a boyfriend 10 years from tomorrow  . . . the following letter will suffice.

I received this letter from one of my followers. She said that she wanted Closure and he gave it to her. The names and cities have been changed to protect the girls and boys.

–

I started dating a man 3 months ago that I previously dated in college (some 15 or so years ago). We broke up in college because we were not mature enough or prepared for a serious life-long commitment. We did love each other. Three months ago we reconnected. It was a love story for the ages. He said that he considered me “the one that got away” and spoke strongly of not letting me get away again. Everything was great. We got along and saw each other as often as possible (we live in different cities). We rekindled our flame. We quickly fell in love again. It was like we were never apart.

Then he cheated with an ex. I wanted to work it out because that’s what love does. I wanted to put some work behind my feelings. Finally after a couple of exchanges via text/emails, this was his final response to fixing our relationship:

Visit StevenJamesDixon.com to read his final response!

The Divorce Is Not An Option Project – “The Hudson Family – Part 1″

Follow Me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

–

“We’ve Been Casually Dating, But Recently He Doesn’t Respond To My Texts Or Calls”

5 Ways To Balance The Scales Of Love

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So, I have been seeing this guy casually for about four months. We have only seen each other five times though, as he works as a paramedic, and we live over an hour away from each other.

We got set up by a mutual friend and I know for a fact when we first started talking he was smitten! He would text everyday and he seemed like such a nice guy. Then one night he turned up at my door to surprise me and we had the sweetest evening. I was living with my parents at the time, so he met them, which was a bit nerve-racking, but he handled it really well because he’s chatty and funny.

We didn’t sleep together and he didn’t stay over – he didn’t even try it. We just kissed a lot. Then he goes all distant for a while, which he said was because he was settling into a new job but he was so hot and cold, and we didn’t end up seeing each other for nearly two months! And we had gone from texting everyday to barely once a week (he doesn’t have Facebook). Then I went to Amsterdam on a mini-trip with a friend and I rang him when I got back and he seemed pleased to hear from me. He then offered to come see me that weekend (the last weekend gone). And, he did, and we had fun. We slept with each other and we talked a lot. He texted me when he got home the next day saying he hoped I had a good day at work and that he was going for a nap.

Then I hear nothing from him for two days. Then it was his birthday, so I text him happy birthday and didn’t get a text back till late that night just saying ‘Thanx babe xx.’ And, that was the last time I heard from him, which was now 5 days ago! And I have texted him since. Again, no reply. I rang him today, and nothing. I texted him asking if we are still on for this weekend, and I got nothing!

Does it seem like he was just after one thing and now he has run a mile? I really like this guy and I opened up to him about something I have never told anyone so I am worried I scared him off! Help! I just want to know if I should just end it. I can’t keep making all the effort! – Want To Be With Him

Dear Ms. Want To Be With Him,

You know, there are some women who I just want to slap upside the head and knock some sense into them, and then there are others like you who I just let wander in the abyss of doom and dumbness because no matter what I say or do you will not get it!

Girl, the man is not interested in you! HELLO!!!!

Get a freaking clue, will you! Yes, he’s run a mile. Hell, he’s running a marathon and is on mile 23.

If you’re calling, texting, sending smoke signals, Instagrams, and Facebook status updates and they are not responding, then guess what that means? THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED!

Ugh! I swear if someone gave you a clue and posted it to your forehead you still would be running after this man trying to understand why he is not responding or showing any interest in you. THE MAN DOES NOT WANT YOU!

Stop obsessing and chasing after someone who is not obsessing and chasing after you! A man who is interested in you will pursue you. He will call, spend quality time with you, take you out on dates, send flowers and notes, text you, hell, he will even make time for you even if he has a busy schedule and works fifteen jobs. A man who wants to be with you and thinks you’re worthy will do whatever it takes to make you feel special. He will go to the ends of the earth to shower you with affection, kindness, and love. He’ll have no problem with his time, schedule, and making you a part of it.

The man that you’re running after, uhm, sweetie, you’re starting to look like a stalker, and no man wants a stalker running after him. If you’re that obsessed with someone you’ve only known casually and after four months, well, hell, I’ll hate to see what would have happened if you two actually spent some quality time together, and were actually dating. Girl, you’ll be all over him, smothering him, and trying to monopolize his time. Let the man breathe and give him a chance to run after you, call you incessantly, and text you non-stop. Oh, yeah, he’s already shown you his behaviors and who he is by not responding to you or texting or calling. Therefore, leave him alone!

Move on with you life. If he hasn’t responded by now, then he is not going to respond. He is not interested. He doesn’t want to be bothered. And, he is not the man for you. If you’re chasing and pursuing a man, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your values and self-worth. It’s obvious that you don’t value yourself or your worth. Running after someone is not cute, attractive, or flattering. Stop it! And, instead of investing all this energy and time in him, and why he’s not responding, how about you invest all that time and energy into yourself. Find you a hobby, or some empowering books and culture that will lift you up, inspire you, and enlighten you. Invest all that time and energy into building you up, and filling your spirit. And, when you fulfill yourself, you don’t have to worry or run after a man to fill this empty void that you have. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Best Friend From High School Had A Baby & I Learned About It On Facebook”

“I’m In Love With My Co-Worker, But After He Moved In He Changed”

On The Scene

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