Let me take a few moments to outline the fact that rat poison is 97% corn and 3% strychnine.  Although it tastes good to the rat, once that 3% of poison takes effect, there’s no turning back.  The rat is dead within minutes.  I wonder how many wives who ingested this article were able to survive emotionally and spiritually after reading it.  I also wonder if I would have been able to live in an era where these points were common in practice and culture.

For example:

“Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.  Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”

The first part, corn; the latter part, poison.  What kind of blow is that to the self-esteem and confidence of a woman?  Listening to my husband is of the utmost importance to me.  I thrive off his communication with me.  In fact, even deferring to him to let him talk first is a regular practice of mine.  What I don’t agree with is quantifying the importance of the topics of conversations.  My issues are no more or no less important than his.  I care about what I talk about 100%, and I care about what he talks about 100%.  It’s that simple for me.

How about:

“Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner, or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day.”

This one is 97% poison!  Now granted, back then there were no cell phones, but beyond that, I can’t think of any reason why a husband would so blatantly disregard the feelings of his wife, whether a career woman or housewife in this manner (and the same vice-versa…why a wife would do that to her husband is beyond me).  This statement may as well say, “Turn your mind off.  Don’t ask him about the lipstick on his collar.  If you see lipstick around his smaller head, kindly get him a washcloth to wipe it off.”  Lord, have mercy, Jesus!

Read the rest of what is wrong with the 1955 housewife here!

Career Women

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Being a Single Mom Is Not Easy!

If given the chance, here are the five things I wish I did before I got married. What’s on your list?

1. Cherished the time as “boyfriend and girlfriend.” We got together in April, were exchanging “I love you’s” by May, and we were practically shopping for engagement rings by the fall. We moved so fast. I remember back then, I was annoyed by the term “girlfriend” – I wanted to be his wife. Now that we’re married, I joke to my husband that he has to move out when the kids do, so we can date again.

2. Bought a car. My dad bought me my first car. My husband bought me my second. If given the chance, I would go back in time and quit spending my entire paycheck at Victoria’s Secret and Macy’s.

3. Spent more time talking to people in successful relationships instead of getting relationship advice from people who had no clue how to keep a good thing together. Nuff said.

See the rest of the list here!

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Coco Gives Relationship Advice!

After being bombarded with Facebook statuses that gave a shout out to all the single moms on a day that’s reserved for dads, I got fed up. Every single one of my friends who mentioned Father’s Day gave a huge middle finger to the dads who weren’t man enough to stick around.

Where ARE the dads? Seriously.

I know too many single moms. I only know two dads (one still has a baby on the way). Why is that?

For the women: I know sometimes things happen that are out of your control and some women get dropped without any inkling something was wrong. Other women simply sleep with the wrong men. They knew he wasn’t the right one, wouldn’t do right, couldn’t do right, but they slept with him anyway and nine months later, he’s a distant memory.

Read the rest of the article at blackandmarriedwithkids.com.

I Love My Black Woman’s Attitude!

Worrying About the Marriage Crisis Won’t Help Black Women!

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I’ve been reticent to write yet another relationship column, but a reader recently posed me this observation in at letter after The Root published a second article about black women and dating and the Obama marriage:

It seems as if every single time these articles come out, they report the same tired statistics (44% of black women are unmarried, there are very few “eligible” black men available to date, etc.) and give the same advice (from black men: lower your standards to get a man; from black women: date outside the race and don’t wait for a black man).

Perhaps the articles (in Essence, online, everywhere I look) aren’t trying to suggest that I should lower my standards to attract a man, but they usually come across that way. No other racial or ethnic group is told to be “less picky” as bluntly nor as often. So now, I’m wondering whether some people feel as if black women are supposed to settle for whoever wants us, have lower standards, etc., in part because of the “attractiveness pyramid” that places Asian women on top, white women below, Latina women below that, and black women dead last. Shelby’s comment on the last discussion of the politics of interracial dating on your blog, about realizing that she was being systematically devalued each day, struck a chord with me. I’ve definitely heard the same from other women–the questioning your attractiveness and value, and the way that it chips away at your self-worth.

I’m also wondering about the impact of the articles on others. Will men of all shades assume that we’re so desperate to find love that we’ll accept anything? Will/do people in general blame us for our “failings” (i.e., the inability to get married)?

Do articles impact others perception? Read more and other articles like this on: BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

Is it your fault your not in a relationship?

Watch out for your engagement ring!

This same man went on to declare that black women simply had too much attitude – on the bus, at work, in any given situation – just difficult and mean without cause or reason, especially the ugly ones.

A few years later he married a brown-skinned Dominican woman.

I’ve watched many black boys like me grow into men who exclusively date and many times marry whites, Latinos and other ethnicities that are not classically considered “black.” Some have been from the athlete set who are in many instances quietly “groomed” to pursue interracial relationships. Some have been artists who in their pursuit of life without restrictions refuse to be “tied down” to race and culture. But many have been outcasts – those in school who weren’t cool or cute enough, the kind that may have been a little on the chubby side, the ones who weren’t even considered when it came time to go to dances, parties or anything else social. I presume many in this last group might feel they had the last laugh considering the ongoing conversation African American women have today regarding the dearth of available “good black men.”

I was a member of the outcast set. Throughout most of my high school career, during the height of the eighties, I rocked a lopsided ‘fro and Coke-bottle glasses. I had crooked teeth which I hid from everyone by rarely smiling. All of this was attached to a slim body devoid of muscles. Be it snickers shared amongst friends or never being asked to any dances, the sisters made their distaste for me loud and clear.

Maturity has been kind to me. I shed most of my awkwardness as I grew up and as a Chicagoan who immersed myself completely in New York City life after grad school, I gained a savvy that allowed me to reinvent myself from the ground up. I’m happy to say this upgraded me had no axe to grind, no revenge to seek, no penalty to levy, nor any white women to flaunt in the face of my sisters. From my mother to my wife, I’ve never stopped loving the women I’ve always loved: black women…

To read the rest of this article, go to BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

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Black marriage gets a bad rap somethings. It’s full of stereotypes – they don’t last, they’re full of infidelity, they’re made out of wedlock, etc. – that simply aren’t all true. So Lamar and Ronnie from BlackandMarriedWithKids.com decided to make a documentary highlighting black love – and what makes it work.

Check out the trailer below.

Another great example, is the craft time that I started with my 7 year old daughter. She wanted some special time with me alone (without her 1 year old and 2 year old baby sisters.) As you can imagine, the babies consume a lot of my time. And my 7 year old is a very smart, well behaved, and self sufficient little girl. So she probably fees like she is not getting as much attention as the babies. So we started a craft time. And I am no Martha Stewart …not even close. My crafting abilities SUCK with a capital S. We don’t do any elaborate crafts that take an enormous amount of time. So far we have made pot holders and we have painted clay pots and planted flowers in them. Since I don’t have an artistic bone in my body (and it’s sad to say that my daughter takes after me,) our crafts usually end up looking pitiful. With the clay pots, we planted the seeds in the those pots over 2 months ago and not one sprout yet!!

Read the rest of this article at BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and tell us – what are the little things YOU do for your loved ones???

A few years ago when I accepted I was going to be a biological father I was quite panicked about the whole thing. Around this time, I happened to read an article in GQ magazine that put fathers into about 6 categories. The one that resonated with me the most was Prada Dad, the father everyone wants to know and be. In fact the Prada Dad is so cool, he makes childless men want to be fathers, and women…well I don’t need to go into that here. I pledged to be a Prada Dad even though I don’t own anything Prada.

President Obama (currently the king of swagger) has swagger for days and talks about his kids. Brad Pitt can’t seem to have kids fast enough and he’s got swagger, shouting out being a father. Will Smith has swagger and he is an outspoken family man. And the modern day father of swagger, Denzel – do I need to say more? The man doesn’t even need his last name to be identified by the masses. Now all of these men are celebrities and they have plenty of money and childcare assistance, but they do stand out. There are plenty of other men who are celebrities and choose to act a fool while keeping their kids a secret. The men I just listed proclaim fatherhood. It truly adds to their cool.

Before family life, I believed I was cool. And now that I’m a family man with wife and kids in tow I still am. But it’s a different kind of cool….

How does having kids change a man’s coolness? Read the rest of the article on BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com and tell us if your child’s father has “Daddy Swagger”.

What if men could have babies?!

Should you marry your baby daddy?

The best way to get the love you deserve is to love yourself. People treat us like we treat ourselves. If you fall in love with yourself flaws and all and treat yourself like you deserve more, you will attract someone who will know that is your standard and they will give you what you deserve or quickly pass by if they are not up to task.

Practice being a listener. Many times we hear the surface of what people are saying but don’t open ourselves up for their full disclosure. Good listeners get listened to and when people know you’re listening to them, it forges an appreciation and a trust. That is essential in any budding relationship.

Communication gets you what you want. Learn to be honest about what you feel. Sometimes we compromise for the sake of having someone to call our own or wanting people to like us and never leave. The relationships that are the most satisfying are the ones where someone is able to love the true you, not a manufactured version of who you want them to think you are.

Trust your instincts about people. Normally when you are in tune with your Spirit it will lead you and give you discerning impressions of people you engage. It’s a wonderful sentiment to think that everyone in this world has your best interest at heart-but they don’t. Tune in to your Spirit and govern yourself accordingly and when you sense that he or she is too good to be true, you’re probably right…

To read the rest of this article, and get the love you deserve, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

Is it better for your son to be an athlete or a good student?

There are ways to ruin love, too.

A while back, my wife and I had a conversation with a friend, and the topic of historically black colleges and universities came up. She proclaimed that she would never want her kids to go to an HBCU. She started spitting out reasons like poor administrations, unorganized processes during registration, the hassle with financial aid and one or two other things. The problem was she never attended an HBCU before.

We tried to explain to her what the HBCU experience was about. The wife talked about how her all-girl HBCU instilled a sense of pride within herself and her community that she didn’t feel she would have received from a mainstream school. She went on to say that the four years she spent there helped to shape and mold the woman she is today.

I tried to talk about how a poor registration experience was peanuts compared to all that you gained. I explained the ability to truly be yourself and the family atmosphere that only an HBCU can provide,. the ability to have one chance in your life where you’re not a minority and the opportunity to learn about the black experience from and in depth perspective.

Post-Obama inauguration I’ve often heard the question asked: are HBCUs still relevant? We would definitely say yes, and hope that our children follow in our footsteps when they have the chance to decide.

What about you – would you send your child to an HBCU?

For related posts, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

Having financial troubles? Here are 8 tuition-free colleges.

Did you find black love at an HBCU?

From time to time I’ll see it mentioned on different sites around the web (like www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com). Some people take a great deal of pride in the concept of black love and others are disgusted with the thought of it and profess that love has no color associated with it.

I’ve heard it explained that there is a special bond between a black man and a black woman and this is the basis of the one and only Black Love.

Holla back at us and tell us what you think.

To add some feedback, or read other posts, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

BMWK’s Ronnie and Lamar Tyler have an exclusive interview! Click here to read.

Speaking of love, how do you tell your mate to lose weight?

Our favorite Mom and Dad authors, Lamar and Ronnie Tyler of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com, have an exclusive interview on Essence.com! Says Essence,

Black love is alive and well and Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are spreading the message one blog post at a time. The happily married couple launched BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com in 2007 to celebrate the Black family, and the site quickly took off. ESSENCE.com caught up with the tech-savy duo and parents of four to get details on how they make their relationship work, the joy of a blended family and why the Obamas aren’t as rare as people think.

Want some of the married couple’s insight? Click here to check out the full interview.

Not familiar with Black and Married with Kids? Check out some of their posts here.

What about our other favorite parent? Check out Jerry’s “Fatherhood Fridays” blog here.

Instead of having the kids write or read the same old reports on Martin and Malcolm, do some research and find out who pushed for “change” in your local community during the civil rights era. Take a walking Black History tour if they’re available in your city like this one in San Diego or this one in Toronto. Is there a mural or exhibit in your city or town like the image above of Duke Ellington that’s located on DC’s historic U Street? Check it out and use it as a learning tool. Go to the local library and find books on someone that may not be so famous.

The list goes on and on but the point is to give your child a real black history experience that they won’t soon forget and may cherish for years to come.

To read more helpful articles by the BMWK staff, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

Now, a few years back, it was taboo to be trying to find a hookup on the Web, and people may have thought you were a weirdo, but is it really weird at all anymore? Not that I’m looking for any hookups, but I meet regular folks on the Web every week and some of us become friends and even work together – all without having ever met face to face…

So what’s the consensus – is dating online okay, or still a little creepy? Read the rest of the post at BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

For our inaugural post on this topic it’s only fitting that we focus on Valentine’s Day since it’s taking place over the weekend. We’ve come up with a list of 5 things you can do with your child on Valentine’s Day. Now these won’t interfere with you getting your bump and grind on that night. These activities can be done during the day to make the little one in your family feel loved too!

1. Arts and Crafts – Our 6 year old loves breaking out the construction paper, crayons and magic markers this time of year. The artist in her comes “busting loose” as Chuck Brown would say. Get out your scissors (because you don’t want to use those little dull, plastic ones for kids) and make greeting cards for your spouse, the grandparents or whoever else comes to mind. Click here for ideas and pictures you can use as a guide.

2. Daddy’s Girl – Fathers, if you have a girl, take her out on Saturday morning for special daddy-daughter time. Treat her like the little princess that she is then present her with a small token of your love. It doesn’t have to be a big ticket item, just something that shows that you care. Lay the groundwork now so that she knows how a man is supposed to treat her in the future. Believe me it will pay off in the end.

3. Momma’s Boy – Mothers, similar to number 2 above, take some special time with your little man. Let him take you out on a date, just the two of you. Of course like above not only will you have a good time but you’ll lay the foundation for later by teaching him how to treat a woman when they’re out on a date.

For two more ways to spend quality time with your kids on Valentine’s Day, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

Last week we did an interview on Mindstream Radio and I mentioned that you needed to have a plan before going into a marriage. They asked me to elaborate and I went into a few things but wanted to talk about it more here. Some people I’ve talked to that are experiencing real relationship problems seem to have those issues due to lack of a clear plan up front. You know the old saying, “If you fail to plan, you can plan to fail”.

When you enter into a relationship with that other person you’re coming from two different backgrounds, two different histories and two totally different points of view. Before your heart takes you away you need to sit down and have a discussion to make sure the plan you have is the same one or similar to what they are thinking. Here are a few things I think you should talk about with your plan:

1. Children – Do you plan on having any? How many do you want? If one person already has kids, are they willing to have more? Seems simple enough but I’ve seen people not address this then get into a relationship and be ready to leave because their spouse doesn’t want any (or anymore) kids.

2. Finances – We’ve talked about it before. You need to know what’s up with each other’s money and spending habits. Is their credit score jacked up because they’ve been out of work due to the recession, or because Louis Vuitton keeps calling them?

What are some other key points to discuss before getting involved? Read about it at BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

Sometimes we try our best, but like the song says, ” I guess my best wasn’t good enough”! Have you ever had one of those Southwest Airlines-type of moments with a significant other? Well, check out this video and then tell us about any embarrassing moments you may have have had in front of a loved one. Especially if you were trying to be cool/sexy in the process.

To watch the insane video, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

Does anyone out there think that sometimes kids are just bad? I’m talking capital B-A-D. It’s been something I’ve wanted to ask you guys about for a while. People always go under the assumption that because their kids aren’t bad there are no bad kids out there. I’m talking cutting up, act a fool, ain’t got no sense (yeah I know you English majors hated that one).

Whenever someone calls into a radio station and says they need help with their child and that they’ve tried everything they always get blamed for not doing this or they’re probably not doing that as soon as they hang up the line but could it be possible that they are doing everything and the child just isn’t responsive? Then that has to hurt, knowing you’re giving it your all but everyone is blaming you for being a failure as a parent….

To finish the thought, go to BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

In all of this relationship talk I often wonder one thing: Do people still date? Now, I mean really date. Now dating is not meeting one guy or one girl and trying to make them “the one”. The entire purpose of dating before marriage is to meet different people. Learn about them and at the same time you’ll also be learning about yourself.

Once I received an email here at BMWK that had this in the body:

Often, people will waste time and energy on a relationship that will never really blossom. People have forgotten the art of dating, where you sift through many prospects to find the prize catch. Too often, daters will cling to one person too long, only to find their needs continuing to go unmet.

I think this is some good stuff right here and that people forget about it. Now I know we’ve all been guilty of holding on to somebody for too long but hopefully at some point you realized it and got to steppin. Hopefully while you were holding on to that one person for too long you didn’t miss the person that was really intended for you.

Here are five tips for dating…

To find out what dating advice BMWK has in store for YOU, click here.