Let me start off by saying that I love you. I look forward to seeing your posts every week, and I love your straight forward approach to things. I’m purchasing Mogul, today (YAY! Finally). But, I want your professional opinion.

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now. We live together and both work full-time. He has a great family and our families like both of us and both of us together. Well, my sex life sucks monkey balls. Normally you hear men complain about women or their wives not giving it up, well in this instance it’s completely the other way around. We have a 7 year age difference. He’s 30 and I’m 23. He’s never been married nor does he bare any children (other qualities that attracted me to him).

LIKE HelloBeautiful On Facebook To Keep Up With Your Gay Best Friend!

Well, when it comes to sex, we speak a totally different language. I’m a very sexual and affectionate person (I’m a Scorpio). I love to kiss, touch, etc. Basically do things that people in love and relationships do. Well he’s totally not into any of that. When it comes to kissing, he’s a pecker. When it comes to touching, he doesn’t. I’m an attractive woman so I’ve asked numerous of times is he still attracted to me, and he says yes, but I couldn’t tell from our sex life.

Let me give you two scenarios before we have sex or I attempt to have sex. I’ll ask (Yeah, I can’t believe it either sometimes) if he wants to and he’ll make that, “I don’t care” face. What person do you know does that? Then he’ll be like, “I’m watching TV” or, “I’m tired,” and it takes me getting upset for him to be like, “Oh, alright then,” (I’m like really dude?). Next scenario, we’ll be in bed or on the couch and I’ll initiate by kissing or touching on him and he’s ready in a flash, but when it comes to turning me on or getting me in the mood he does nothing. He expects me to just be ready like that. I tell him that I’m a woman and you have to get me in the mood. It always falls upon deaf ears, so needless to say that I have to use some hand action for myself, then it goes down and 5 minutes later it’s over. I then look at him like let’s go at it again, and he’ll be like, “Let me rest.” I have needs also.

I had a silver bullet that had to suffice when he wouldn’t want to have sex and he was actually jealous of it. He thinks all that is taboo. I asked him how was his sex life with his exes because maybe that’s why they broke up. Everything else is okay in our relationship except our sex lives. I need your advice. Should sex be a reason to stay or leave a relationship? – I Have Needs

Dear Ms. I Have Needs,

Thank you for the love, DIVA! I appreciate it very much! And, I do hope you enjoy your copy of my novel, MOGUL.

But, Baby, talking about incompatibility! Your bodies and sexual desires are on two different pages, in two different books, and in two different genres. You’re an erotica book and he’s a mystery novel. LMBAO!

Unfortunately, sex is the reason why a lot of people end their relationships. They just are not compatible sexually. But, perhaps you should explore all the options before you dip out on your man.

The oddity isn’t unusual. However, it’s rather getting both your needs in sync with one another, and it’s going to take learning one another’s sexual cycles. Yes, I said sexual cycle. There are folks who are like you who very sexual and can go on and on and on and on. Chile, you can get turned on by the wind blowing on your clit or breasts. You’re just ready! However, for him, he’s like most people who are not extremely sexual, and the need and desire for sex is not as important or necessary. So, unfortunately, you have to learn his sexual cycle and when he’s most excited, and most turned on.

Notice the days, and times of day he is usually turned on. Is he an early morning wake-up and get it type of person, or is he a late night before bed type of person? Does he like it mid-day, or in the evening right before the game, or right after? And, when he gets in the mood what is going on? What is the look in his eye, is it right after work, or after he’s had time to settle in? How is his body responding when you are touching him in certain spots and kissing him or fondling him? Also, is your man verbal? Does he like talking or for you to respond to how he’s handling you?

Sometimes setting the mood also helps, but keep in mind that men don’t need the candles, incense, and romantic backdrop for sex to happen, women need all that. But, if you need it, then create it. When he sees it he’ll know that you’re ready for some action. But, maybe and perhaps, he likes whip cream, chocolate syrup, flavored oils, and some music. You guys have got to work together and create the magic you both desire and need.

Sex in relationships is just like verbal communication. You have to talk to one another about your desires, likes, needs, and wants. You have to express to your mate what turns you on, what turns you off, and where to lick, stick, suck, and touch. And, it takes showing them, placing their hands and mouth on the parts that excite you. If you let him know where your spots are, and vice-versa, your sex life will be very vibrant and exciting. But, it takes communicating. When he touches you in a way that excites you, let him know by responding with a noise, or saying, “Yes, daddy, that’s it!” And, work your body in tune with his touches. Pop that punany and back it up on him! Explore new positions – let him put his thang in between your breasts; work your oral skills; try reverse cowgirl; blow bubbles in his a**! You’re a freak, hell, let the freak out!!!

GIRL, YOU’VE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER AND FIND THIS OUT.

And, yes, the age difference does matter. He’s 30-years old and you’re 23-years old. He should still be sexually active, but he is getting older and his sex drive may be declining. You mentioned he has a full-time job. There could be pressures and stresses from work that he is holding on to and it’s affecting his sexual appetite. And, if his job is physically demanding, then I’m certain he doesn’t want to work all day doing manual labor and then have to come home and do more manual labor by handling you and throwing you around the bed, picking you up, carrying you around the house, and acting like a sex maniac.

Also, try spontaneity sex. When he walks in the door, be there waiting on him in the nude, and drop down to your knees and tea bag him. Service him right at the front door. Or, be waiting in the kitchen with only an apron on cooking. Hell, sometimes you’ve got to change the scenery and environment. Have him meet you at a hotel or some discreet location, and when he arrives there you are with only a mink coat on and nothing underneath. Seduce him. Create fantasies, and I’m certain his sexual energy and desire will increase! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Related Links:

“My Husband Cheated For 6 Years & I’m Willing To Work On Us, But He Refuses”

“He Wants To Get Married & So Do I, But I’m Very Nervous”

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I’m 24 years old and my boyfriend of two years is 30 years old, but we have been knowing each other for four years.

I have a son from a previous relationship that he adores, and he has four children from a previous relationship that I adore. Everything is as good as it can possibly be and I couldn’t be happier. But, about a month and a half ago he brought up the topic of marriage and has been talking about it every since. Ironically, we have the same last name already (I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, you better check to make sure y’all not related,” which I did). People already assume we are married. He has been married once before and it ended ugly, so I feel that it was necessary to tell him that the topic makes me a little nervous because once I get married I don’t want to get a divorce. He said he understands because he doesn’t want to get married and divorced again, and he wants me to be the woman he grows old with.

LIKE HelloBeautiful On Facebook To Keep Up With Your Fave Black Celebs!

I have no problem with marrying him, but I want to know is it normal to feel nervous when it comes to the topic of marriage, or am I just over thinking the whole situation? Should I Or Shouldn’t I

Dear Ms. Should I Or Shouldn’t I,

Yes, girl, it’s just pre-marital jitters, and many people feel them. It’s a new step in a new direction. And, the thought of being married along with the amount of work and commitment it takes is hard work. So, a lot of people get nervous and scared. It can be pressures of having to be perfect, or not getting it wrong, and feeling like a failure if it doesn’t work. Many thoughts and scenarios are running through your mind of what can go wrong. Stop focusing on the negative, and start thinking of all the things that can go right!

And, I’m glad that you shared with your boyfriend how you actually feel. Some folks would have lied, and ignored the conversation, and eventually they would begin to push their mates away, or put up a wall and not communicate. So, kudos to you.

Now, to handle these premarital jitters, well, I suggest you speak with a marriage counselor, and definitely get premarital counseling from your pastor, or spiritual leader. The jitters, and nervousness you have can be dealt with, and you can have a professional help you get to the root of your concerns. There may be something there that you are not aware of, and talking about it will help you and your boyfriend.

I’m tending to waver on the side of two things: He’s been married before, and that scares you. He’s had experience in being married, and has an expectation. Also, you’re 24 years old, and he’s 30 years old. That’s a major age difference. You haven’t really lived through your 20s yet, and he has. So, that can play into some of the jitters.

Here’s a novel idea: You can sit down with your boyfriend and make a list of the pros and cons about marriage. Write down what you are looking forward to. What’s exciting about being married to each other, and more importantly, what and how do you define marriage. I get too many letters from married folks who didn’t get premarital counseling, and they didn’t talk with their mates about what marriage meant for them. They just marched their happy asses down the aisle, said “I do,” had a party, and BAM! It hits them weeks later after the hoopla has died down, and the issues arise. The problems smack them dead in the face. They realize they have nothing in common, they hate each other, talk badly to one another, and treat each other like dogs. And, it all could have been avoided if they had received some counseling. But, folks are too damn fast these days.

So, make the list, sit and talk with your boyfriend, and definitely get into some premarital counseling. If you feel in your heart he is the man for you, the man you can see yourself being with for the rest of your life, and you’re willing to make it work when times get hard, and you’re going to stick it out through sickness and in health, the good and the bad, then honey, marry that man. I now pronounce you ____________________________. LOL! Let me stop. Girl, work through your jitters and start preparing your wedding. Enjoy each day and moment as you prepare down this journey, and make it a memorable occasion. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

“We’ve Been Dating 15 Months & I’ve Never Been To His House Or Met His Mother”

“I’m Single & Want To Date, But I Don’t Think Women Should Ask Men Out, Am I Wrong?”

Start Gallery

I love him and his two kids, but his baby mama is psycho. He constantly struggles with trying to balance his relationship with her so that she’ll let him see his kids, as well as his relationships with his family and his relationship with me including working 2 jobs. He is working himself to the bone and emotionally wearing himself down to the bone, and I feel helpless. I want to help, but I don’t know how.

LIKE HelloBeautiful On Facebook To Keep Up With Your Gay Best Friend!

I don’t want to involve myself in things with his baby mama because that is between them and I don’t think it’s my business how they raise their kids, or how she chooses to give and take with them to get to him. He gives her way too much in child support, and, yet she has him pay for everything which he won’t say no to so the kids won’t suffer.

He’s a great guy and a great dad, but I just feel bad for him. How can I be supportive without stepping out of line? Again, I’m trying to give him some space to figure his stuff out and so he can learn to balance…not to mention I have my own life and issues so I feel like I should take care of me still. How can I show support and love and not overstep boundaries? Setting Boundaries

Dear Ms. Setting Boundaries,

This is what happens when you date and take on a man who has a baby momma. I tell you women all the time that it wouldn’t be me. A man with a baby momma is only a headache, and life filled with drama and stress. Especially if they don’t have a great relationship, and she doesn’t know her boundaries. No ma’am. Leave those men alone!!! One reason is because they will forever be in each other’s lives, and if she is as psycho as you say she is then there is a guarantee that she will be psycho tomorrow, in the next year, as well as five years from now, hell, even ten years from now. And, she will always treat you as the other woman, and she will always feel as if she has priority with him, his time, his income, and his life because she has his children. So, get used to it.

You will always be the outsider. You’re not the mother of his children. Therefore you have no say. No input. No authority. And, unfortunately, you’ll always be on the sidelines watching as the two of them go at it, and as he struggles to be the good father and man for his children.

And, you’re right about giving him some space to figure this stuff out so that he can learn to balance his life, his children’s well-being, and being in a relationship with you. The only thing you can do is be supportive of him. Do not, and I mean DO NOT get involved with trying to tell him how to handle his baby momma, or get in their business. You said it so poignantly in your second paragraph, “That is between them.” It’s not your concern, your business, or your issue. SO STAY OUT OF IT!

I know you love him and want the best for him, but he is going to have to work this out and do what’s best for himself. Just continue to be supportive with a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a place for him to feel and be loved. But, do not get involved in the affairs between he and his baby momma. Do not give your opinion, judgment, or thoughts about the situation because it will come back to bite you on your ass!! Trust me!

Also, you mentioned you have your own life and issues. Don’t compound what’s going on in his life with yours especially considering you’re only dating. You’re not married. You’re not husband and wife, so therefore do not overstep your role and boundaries. Stay in your lane!!! And, keep in mind that as you’re observing what’s going on from out the outside between he and his baby momma there is always his side, her side, and the truth. So, you’re only getting what’s happening and going on from his perspective. You don’t know what’s going on between them when they are alone. You don’t know how he treated her in their relationship, how it ended, why it “really” ended, and why she may be taking him through the ringer. She has a perspective as well, and you don’t know what it is.

But, if you choose to stay with him and want to be supportive of him then create a space where he can feel and be at peace. I’m sure agitating and instigating the situation by bringing up his baby momma only riles him up. So, if he vents and wants to talk about it, let him, but don’t you respond. Just let him get it out. Take this opportunity to create fun, joyous, and loving memories with him. Do things together where you two can find happiness and peace. Even if it’s just the two of you at home, having dinner, watching television, and laughing together. That is your time. So, make them special. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Related Links:

“My Best Friend From High School Had A Baby & I Learned About It On Facebook”

“I’m Single & Want To Date, But I Don’t Think Women Should Ask Men Out, Am I Wrong?”

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

I have a best friend who is gay, or what you would call a “Dyke.” We have been friends since high school. She is a year older than me. I am 35-years old and a FTM. (FTM is female to male transition; The taking of hormones and getting surgery to the chest or genitalia to be male. Or, you can say transgender. So the outside matches how I feel on the inside)

When me and my friend were young we hung out, partied, and did the usual things young people do. As we got older I went off to college and she went to computer school. When I came back we grew distant. I still tried asking her to hang out, and we did with her and her girl in her apartment. I invited her to my house, and I never really heard from her. I see that she is not doing well, and I offered to help. Not just money, but with jobs in places that pay well, but she just blows it off. I still invite her places, but I get no response when I text her.

LIKE HelloBeautiful On Facebook To Keep Up With Your Fave Black Celebs!

Fast forward 6 months later, and I see on Facebook that she had a baby! (A boy).  So, I write to her saying, “Congrats, and why didn’t you tell me. I am happy for you.” She responded by saying she didn’t know she was pregnant. Some bull-ish. I offer to invite her and the baby over, to show her that I am supportive, and I get no response. What should I do? – Fed Up

Dear Ms./Mr. Fed Up,

Sorry, I didn’t know how to address you.

But, err, uhm, she is not your friend. And, it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to be bothered. You’ve reached out to her and extended yourself to her, but she has been unresponsive. She doesn’t come over when you invite her to your place. When you invite her places, hell, she doesn’t even respond. Then, when you offer to help her unemployed broke ass with jobs and contacts, she blows it off. Freak her! Why keep going out of your way and bending over backwards and she is basically telling you to kiss her ass and leave her alone.

When someone is ignoring you, not returning calls, and never initiating conversation or times to get together then it’s time to move on from the friendship and chalk up the relationship as it has run it’s course. Have you heard of the saying, “Friends are in your life for either a reason, season, or lifetime – Those who are in your life for a reason are there to teach you a lesson. They are there for a short period of time and do not stay very long. They are in and out. Then, there are those who are in your life for a season. They are there for a few months, or years, and they, too, also provide valuable lessons during their short tenure. Then, there are the friends who are you in your life for a lifetime. They are die-hard, true, through-and-through friends who have your back, tell you the truth, and always there for you. They know you and you know them. You’ve gone through things, experienced some heartaches, good times, joys, pains, and laughter. Yes, true friends.” And, it seems that your friend was more like a seasonal friend. The friendship ran it’s course and now it’s over. And, for whatever reason she has decided to move on with her life, and out of yours. When people want to leave out of your life, LET THEM GO!

I mean, come on! Get a clue! Geesh! She didn’t even let you know she was having a baby. For 9 whole months she didn’t even bother to inform you, or even reach out to you after the baby was born. SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU BEING A PART OF HER LIFE, LET ALONE BEING A PART OF YOUR LIFE.

It’s time to accept the reality of what the situation is: YOU ARE NO LONGER THE LITTLE GIRLS/BOY THAT YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND YOU BOTH HAVE CHANGED. She’s moved on, and doing her thing, and it’s time for you to move on and do your thing.

You can reminisce over the good times you had, and think back of the fond memories. And, that’s how you should hold your friendship with her. Let the good old days be that of the past and what you did, and how you enjoyed yourselves. It’s time to create some new memories and new experiences with folks who will be there with you for the long haul. Why do you want to be friends with someone who didn’t even tell you they were pregnant, had a child, and the child is damn near walking? Chile, bye! Start enjoying the new chapters of life and all that it has to offer, and bring. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I’m In Love With My Co-Worker, But After He Moved In He Changed”

“I Love My Husband, But I Want His Friend & I’m Thinking Of Leaving With This Guy”

Start Gallery

Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My name is Aliccia, and I want to follow my dreams of becoming an actress, but my parents think otherwise. I have had this passion ever since I was a kid, and this is really something I want to do. How do I choose between following my dreams and not disappointing my parents? I would really appreciate it! Thanks. – A Dreamer

Dear Ms. A Dreamer,

Girl, in the words of Tamar Braxton – “Get your life!” Honey, you better go and pursue your dreams and live your life. IT’S YOUR LIFE! NO ONE CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE BUT YOU! And, no one can make decisions for how you should live your life but you.

Like HelloBeautiful on Facebook to stay on top of your favorite black celebrities

No one can tell you or advise you about following your dreams because they don’t understand your dream, and it’s not their dream!!! It was giving to you for a reason. It was placed in your heart because God knew you could do it. So, how dare someone tell you what you can and cannot do? Follow your dreams. Do them big, and enjoy the journey.

Honey, let me tell you something, if I would have listened to all the folks who tried to tell me to get a “real” job, because working in the entertainment industry wasn’t a “real” job, then I wouldn’t be here today. All I ever wanted to do was work in the entertainment industry. And, I sacrificed everything to make my dream a reality. Despite listening to friends, and family members when I graduated from college I moved to Los Angeles, and New York to pursue my dreams. And, BA-BY, the gamble paid off. Yes, it was rough, and many times I questioned myself, but I did it. I have worked with Spike Lee, Rob Reiner, Keenan Ivory Wayans and the Wayans family, and a host of other celebrities, as well as for B.E.T. and MTV. And, then I had the nerve to write books, and tour across the country speaking at colleges and universities. I followed my dreams despite of what those folks told me. I followed my dreams and did what I wanted to do because I knew it was something God had given me, and how dare I not be courageous, and fearless when I have God on my side? As the scripture states, God didn’t give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. So, be fearless, bold, and courageous.

And, yes, I understand your parent’s position because they feel and think that pursuing a career as an actress is unstable, especially being in an industry where people try to take advantage of you, and I’m sure they’ve heard all the salacious and scandalous stories about those who struggle trying to pursue a career as an actor. But, honey, that’s any job. There are folks who will try to take advantage of you in any career – Lawyer, doctor, teacher, engineer, or whatever. People are people, and there are just as many scandalous and salacious people in those industries as well. Also, people struggle in those careers as well. They don’t become doctors overnight. They don’t become lawyers overnight, and certainly do not start making money until later in life.

“I Was A Virgin, But He Kept Pressuring Me & Now I’m Pregnant”

But, they are your parents and want the best for you. However, you have to let them know that you know what’s best for you. They lived their lives. They did what they wanted to do, and if they love you, and have raised you with morals and values, then they have nothing to fear or worry about.

I say talk with them and devise a plan. Come up with a 2, 3, and 5 year plan. Tell them to let you go and explore your passion, and see what it’s like. Hell, you may not even like it and change your mind. But, at least go and discover the world of acting before giving up on it. And, a 2, 3, or 5 year plan will give you the time to get your footing and establish yourself. Just like any career it takes time to develop who you are, and become a professional in the field. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’ve got to work at it, and keep working at it. Hell, it took me over 5 years just to get myself established in the entertainment business. But, that was my experience. Hell, I have friends and it has taken them longer, but they didn’t give up on their dreams. And, as an author/writer, it took me another 5 years to solidify myself as a bon-a-fide author and writer. But, I invested in it and went back to school. I studied the craft of writing. And, that is what you will have to do. Study your craft. Keep learning and growing so that you can become the best.

“He’s Married With 3 Kids, Getting Divorced & I’m Not Sure I Wanna Be With Him””

So, let your parents know that you have a dream. Don’t be dream killers or dream stealers. Let you explore what’s burning inside you. Let you explore this passion that you can’t let die. One thing you don’t want to become is an older bitter person who is mad at the world because you didn’t pursue your dreams. There are so many people sitting at their desks right now who are mad and angry because they didn’t take the chance, or they gave up on their dreams because they allowed someone to talk them out of it. Can someone who is not an actor advise you on being an actor, or the craft of acting? Can someone who is not a teacher advise you on being a teacher, or how to be a teacher? No, they cannot. So, follow your dreams, and we look forward to seeing you on the big screen. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click, HERE!

Start Gallery

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I read your posts daily and love the advice you give to others, I’m hoping you can help me with my issue as I really don’t know where else to turn.

Back in July of 2009 I began dating a wonderful guy 6 years older than myself (I was 22, he was 28).  We went through a lot together from that point on, dealing with my terrible roommate issues, me finding a “real job” (I was just out of college), and various family problems on both sides.  He helped me through it all and I really don’t think I could have done it without him; he’s very supportive and understanding and just overall in tune with my feelings; something I have never ever had before in a relationship.

Like HelloBeautiful On Facebook To Keep Up With Your Gay Best Friend!

In May of 2010 we moved in together.  Everything was going really well, but about 3 months later I decided I couldn’t continue on in the relationship. I didn’t think that he could give me what I was searching for in the long-term and allow me to make bigger moves for myself. A bit of back-story, I am white and he is Black. I graduated from a prestigious NC University and he is a HS graduate working as Teacher’s Aide for disabled children. I drive and own my own car; he has neither a license nor car. He also smokes weed, a lot. I’m not saying I don’t either but we’re talking a nearly $80/week habit to the point where he would rather go broke for a week and have weed than save his money. He was also great around the house and everything, but I was the one in charge and basically telling him what to do in terms of money and long-term planning.

I began to feel as if I was his mother more-so than a girlfriend at times when it came to planning out long-term goals and the future. All of these factors caused me to end the relationship under the guise that we both needed to work on ourselves and figure out what we want so we can come back a stronger couple.

Obviously he was devastated (he had put money on a ring, ugh!)  and I have never been more upset about something in my life, still I thought it was something I had to do. I moved out and he moved back into our apartment with a roommate. Since then we have maintained contact. We see each other regularly and still have sex, with the understanding of monogamy.

My problem is that since that day I have not stopped thinking about him or us. I wake up every day thinking about him and go to bed doing the same. I carry around this regret of not being with him every second and I really think it’s slowly killing me. I cry constantly. I’ve gone out with other men, but I’m always comparing them to my ex. I’ve tried to bring up my feelings to him but each time I get super flustered and blubbery (I’ve never been able to control my tears well) and I never feel like I can get my point clearly across (this makes him upset and he always tell me to stop crying but I can’t help it!)

Yet, he always says that he “needs to do things to better himself so we can maybe get back together.” He has not changed a thing mind you. But at this point I don’t care, I just want him back. I’ve come to realize that he fulfilled my emotional needs so much that I can deal with everything else. He was my rock and motivation and now I feel kind of like the walking dead, just going through the motions without any direction because the situation is really consuming me. I really do believe that we are meant to be together but I don’t know what to do! I know I should walk away and try and move on with the hopes that he’ll want me back too but I can’t bear the thought of losing him. Please help me I really have no ideas but I know I can’t continue on in this painful limbo any longer. – Regret Gets Exhausting

“My Husband Is A Serial Cheater, Should I Stay For Our Kids?”

Dear Ms. Regret Gets Exhausting,

SMDH! I bet you understand now what singer Joni Mitchell was singing about, huh? “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

Look, I understand what you’re going through. I mean, what woman wouldn’t have done what you did? Chile, the man smokes weed every day. His habit costs him $80 a week and he’d rather go broke than give up his weed. LMBAO! Honey, he must not be bringing in that much money. He has a high school diploma with no ambition to go to college. And, it appears he had no ambition to do anything else. I mean he is 6 years older than you, and the man doesn’t have a car or driver’s license. And, by my calculations, he is 30 years old. SMDH! Why? WHY, I ASK?

But, what I don’t understand is why you want to get back with him, well, let me digress for a bit. You broke up, but say you two keep in contact, continue having sex, saying you’re monogamous, you moved out and he moved in with a roommate. Uhm, boo boo, NEWS FLASH, you’re still in a relationship with him. Y’all didn’t break up. The only dynamic that has changed is your living situation. Girl, I can’t today! Not with this nonsense. And, you say you’re the one with the degree from a prestigious NC University? You sure it wasn’t one of those “prestigious” universities in the backwoods?

Why, Lawd, why do people do these asinine things in their relationships and then expect a different result? If you moved in with him in May 2010, and you already moved out, and it hasn’t been a year, uhm, sweetie, what am I missing here? You knew what you were getting when you dated him, yet you moved in with him. Oh, yeah, here we go again, You Thought He Would Change! Girl, miss me on that dark North Carolina road you driving on.

Like you said, he hasn’t changed since you two, uhm, broke-up, no, that’s not it. Sleeping together with benefits, no, that’s not it. Chile, whatever the hell you two are doing, the point is the man hasn’t, isn’t, and probably won’t change. He is 30 years old! You are 24 years old! You can meet another man. And, let me say this loudly for you because I know how slow you can be, YOU CAN MEET ANOTHER MAN! Notice the emphasis on MAN!

You said you felt more like his mother than a girlfriend. Yes, you were his mother. He needed you to tell him what to do, how to do, and when to do it. Honey, that gets tiring. But, I want you to look deep down inside yourself and search long and hard, and ask yourself this question, ‘Do you want a man or a boy? Or, do you want a boy with a grown man d**k?’ BAMN! BOOM! POW!

But, check this out. You noticed when you moved out, he moved into your apartment with a roommate. The man cannot obviously live on his own financially. What the hell?!?!? Girl, you get back in that relationship if you want to, but don’t you dare send me another letter talking about, “I loved him and helped him get on his feet, and I co-signed a car for him and he promised to pay the note, but he isn’t I am. And, I helped him get into school, and he’s not taking it serious. He’s still smoking weed all day, and he now I’m pregnant and I don’t think he can care for me and our child financially on his $12 an hour job.”

Look, Ms. Regrets Gets Exhausting, you need to cut all ties from the man. I don’t understand folks who end relationships, yet keep in contact with their ex, and then sleep with them. Uhm, what the “F” are you doing? If it’s over, then it’s over. Move on. Let go. If you keep them around, then you definitely won’t be able to move on. And, this unofficial “relationship” you two have going needs complete closure. And, I mean close your legs, mouth, and every other open orifice he is putting that schlong in. Girl, you need to learn the difference between sprung and what emotional, mental and financially availability is. If he can’t take care of you now, he won’t be able to take care of you six months, six years, or six hours from now. You’ve said during this little hiatus where you two separated that he has not made any effort into getting himself together, even though he has told you that he needs to work on him. Please, please, please get you some self-esteem. I’m sure there is a Wal-Mart in North Carolina, where prices are always low, and you can buy you some. Stop thinking he is the end all and be all. You’ve got a lot going for you. If you don’t recognize your own greatness, power, beauty, and worth, then guess what, no one else will. And, finally, you need to stop smoking that weed because whatever hoodoo, voodoo, or shoodoo he put up in it, it’s got you acting crazee! Honey, I’m done. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How many of you would stay in a relationship with a man who you knew could not financially support you, smoked weed every day, and had no ambition?

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

Start Gallery

“I Met Him Online, Gave Him My Number, But He Hasn’t Given Me His & He Wants Me To Visit Him”

“When Me And My Boyfriend Broke Up, I Messed Around With His Best Friend”

So, I have been seeing this guy casually for about four months. We have only seen each other five times though, as he works as a paramedic, and we live over an hour away from each other.

We got set up by a mutual friend and I know for a fact when we first started talking he was smitten! He would text everyday and he seemed like such a nice guy. Then one night he turned up at my door to surprise me and we had the sweetest evening. I was living with my parents at the time, so he met them, which was a bit nerve-racking, but he handled it really well because he’s chatty and funny.

We didn’t sleep together and he didn’t stay over – he didn’t even try it. We just kissed a lot. Then he goes all distant for a while, which he said was because he was settling into a new job but he was so hot and cold, and we didn’t end up seeing each other for nearly two months! And we had gone from texting everyday to barely once a week (he doesn’t have Facebook). Then I went to Amsterdam on a mini-trip with a friend and I rang him when I got back and he seemed pleased to hear from me. He then offered to come see me that weekend (the last weekend gone). And, he did, and we had fun. We slept with each other and we talked a lot. He texted me when he got home the next day saying he hoped I had a good day at work and that he was going for a nap.

Then I hear nothing from him for two days. Then it was his birthday, so I text him happy birthday and didn’t get a text back till late that night just saying ‘Thanx babe xx.’ And, that was the last time I heard from him, which was now 5 days ago! And I have texted him since. Again, no reply. I rang him today, and nothing. I texted him asking if we are still on for this weekend, and I got nothing!

Does it seem like he was just after one thing and now he has run a mile? I really like this guy and I opened up to him about something I have never told anyone so I am worried I scared him off! Help! I just want to know if I should just end it. I can’t keep making all the effort! – Want To Be With Him

Dear Ms. Want To Be With Him,

You know, there are some women who I just want to slap upside the head and knock some sense into them, and then there are others like you who I just let wander in the abyss of doom and dumbness because no matter what I say or do you will not get it!

Girl, the man is not interested in you! HELLO!!!!

Get a freaking clue, will you! Yes, he’s run a mile. Hell, he’s running a marathon and is on mile 23.

If you’re calling, texting, sending smoke signals, Instagrams, and Facebook status updates and they are not responding, then guess what that means? THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED!

Ugh! I swear if someone gave you a clue and posted it to your forehead you still would be running after this man trying to understand why he is not responding or showing any interest in you. THE MAN DOES NOT WANT YOU!

Stop obsessing and chasing after someone who is not obsessing and chasing after you! A man who is interested in you will pursue you. He will call, spend quality time with you, take you out on dates, send flowers and notes, text you, hell, he will even make time for you even if he has a busy schedule and works fifteen jobs. A man who wants to be with you and thinks you’re worthy will do whatever it takes to make you feel special. He will go to the ends of the earth to shower you with affection, kindness, and love. He’ll have no problem with his time, schedule, and making you a part of it.

The man that you’re running after, uhm, sweetie, you’re starting to look like a stalker, and no man wants a stalker running after him. If you’re that obsessed with someone you’ve only known casually and after four months, well, hell, I’ll hate to see what would have happened if you two actually spent some quality time together, and were actually dating. Girl, you’ll be all over him, smothering him, and trying to monopolize his time. Let the man breathe and give him a chance to run after you, call you incessantly, and text you non-stop. Oh, yeah, he’s already shown you his behaviors and who he is by not responding to you or texting or calling. Therefore, leave him alone!

Move on with you life. If he hasn’t responded by now, then he is not going to respond. He is not interested. He doesn’t want to be bothered. And, he is not the man for you. If you’re chasing and pursuing a man, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your values and self-worth. It’s obvious that you don’t value yourself or your worth. Running after someone is not cute, attractive, or flattering. Stop it! And, instead of investing all this energy and time in him, and why he’s not responding, how about you invest all that time and energy into yourself. Find you a hobby, or some empowering books and culture that will lift you up, inspire you, and enlighten you. Invest all that time and energy into building you up, and filling your spirit. And, when you fulfill yourself, you don’t have to worry or run after a man to fill this empty void that you have. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Best Friend From High School Had A Baby & I Learned About It On Facebook”

“I’m In Love With My Co-Worker, But After He Moved In He Changed”

On The Scene

Start Gallery

Secrets
We all have them. The real problem with secrets is they eventually come out, at least partially. A careless word, a gesture, even a nightmare and you suddenly have a clue that there is something he has never told you. That is an intolerable state of affairs. You, being human, dig. After all, talking things out is what separates us from rats. Some petty, some silly, some truly shameful stuff can come out, but usually something he simply wants to forget ever happened. Congrats—you just broke a perfectly adequate man by trying to fix a bit of him that didn’t need fixing.

Trust
Yes, technically trust issues can be fixed. Never as solidly as it was before though—it is like using epoxy to repair a broken china plate. The break line always shows. That brings us down to the real problem with fixing trust. Whether or not it should even be attempted. Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me is a pretty fair guideline to use. Without trust, there is no such thing as love.

Family
Unless you get incredibly lucky, your partner is part of a package deal. Sure, you get him, with his charming quirks, but you also get his family, in all of their annoying, interfering, in-joking, sh*tstirring glory. When they bother you, and they most definitely will, you tell him to sort it out. Not you. They are his family, not yours, meaning it is his job to keep the peace between you and them, just as it is your job to keep the peace between him and your family. Crossing the line invariably leads to problems, so don’t. Grit your teeth and smile, while counting to ten in Sanskrit. READ THE REST HERE!

Live-In Girlfriends Unhappier, Have Lower Self-Esteem Than Wives? [STUDY]

Is Online Dating Dangerous Because Of The Dishonesty?

Tyler Perry

Start Gallery

My situation is this. I’m in love with my co-worker and have been for the past year. I am a very jealous person and don’t know how to control it. When he and I first met, it was at our job. It was an immediate attraction from day one, and everyday all day we would either be on the phone or texting each other.

A couple of months go by and we ended up sleeping together. He tells me that he is married and I almost wanted to cry because I felt lied to. He constantly tells me about how unhappy he is in his marriage so I try be a good friend, and just listen. Soon after that he tells me he needed to talk and his marriage is unraveled and he wants out.

He moves out of his place and moves in with me. He has gotten a divorce since then, but first started talking about how he wanted to be with me and wanting to marry me. He would tell me this while he was married, and it puzzled me that he would still find the time to text and call me. I asked how is that possible? I mean where is your wife while you’re on the phone with me?

We haven’t been sleeping together because I’m bothered about his being so secretive. He is always texting and now my feelings have got caught up and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m so unhappy because even though we aren’t sleeping together, our friendship is going down the drain because I sometimes act like I’m the girlfriend when I’m only his friend. We have both decided that being in a relationship isn’t healthy because I don’t trust him. My trust is because while he was married he was always texting me or hanging out with me. I don’t want to damage our friendship, but I am just wondering should I just call it quits and tell him to leave because I’ve been in tears wanting to be with him, but know it would never work out.

We are both going to school full-time and work full-time. I feel as though he is starting to talk to someone else because he seems to text all the time. I even talked to him about him texting because it bothers me. All I ask is that he gives me the same respect that I give him. He is sleeping in my bed and I’m not sleeping with anyone else so I just choose to be celibate. I can’t keep living like this and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m in love and just want these feelings to go away. He tells me that I don’t have a right to ask him who he is texting because he pays his bills, and I know he is right but I wish I could find out.

I recently thought about downloading a program on his phone that will send all his text and calls to my email, but I feel like I’m way over the line. His pattern hasn’t changed with me and by that I mean he comes home at the same time and has never been late for work. Ugh! I feel so dumb. I respect all your thoughts on different situations but when you respond to me could you please not call me a bitch. I can deal with criticism but not disrespect thanks. – In Love With My Co-Worker

Dear Ms. In Love With My Co-Worker,

SMDH! So, you sleep with you co-worker, and afterward you learn that he is married, yet, you let him move in with you. While he’s married he tells you that he wants to marry you. And, BOOM! He gets a divorce and things didn’t work out between you two as you hoped, and now you two are stuck living together.

Let me ask you this – Do you think he was genuine and really wanted to be with you, or did he use you as a place to live after he got divorced because he knew he wouldn’t have any place to go?

I can’t say that I feel for you because I’ve always said, and I feel, that you should never have sex with co-workers or start office romances. They do not end well! And, on top of it all, he led you to believe something totally different than what he presented. So, yes, he did lie. He manipulated and deceived you. No, you can’t trust him. No, you shouldn’t continue in a relationship with him. If he lied to his wife, and deceived her, then what makes you think he won’t do it to you? Ahhhh, but he did! He told you after you slept together that he was married. HELLO!

Get that damn man out of your house! You don’t owe him anything. If he can’t respect you in your own home, and he is texting others and you’ve expressed to him how you don’t like it and he tells you to mind your own business, then pack his –ish and tell him that you are minding your business. It’s your home and you set forth the rules. If he don’t like them, then he can go to a shelter or get his own place and do whatever he pleases in his own home.

This man is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. He’s hurt you, lied to you and is possibly cheating. Hell, he did it to his ex-wife, why do you think he won’t do it to you? WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM! Being with you is not going to make him all of a sudden stop what he’s been doing. That’s all he knows how to do. He cheats, lies, deceive, and manipulates. You cannot make him not be who he is.

Please get a backbone and put on your big girl panties and speak up. Let him know how and what’s going to go down in YOUR HOME! If you don’t feel he is respecting of you, then put him out. If you are tired of your living situation in your home, then put him out. If you don’t want to continue down this road and live in misery, and you want to stop crying, then put him out. If you keep putting up with his behavior, and his mistreatment of you, and you have no recourse for his behavior, then keep expecting to get what you keep getting. NOTHING! It’s time to stop acting like you don’t have any say in your home. It’s time to stop being a doormat at the front door of your own home. It’s time to stand up and put your damn foot down. And, you don’t need a man like that. You’re too smart, intelligent, and worthy to be going through this bull-ish. Grow up! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Love My Husband, But I Want His Friend & I’m Thinking Of Leaving With This Guy”

“My Husband Goes Out Until 5 In The Morning & He Is Neglecting His Family”

Start Gallery

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now. When we first met he was dressed really nice and looked really good, almost pretty. As we talked more and got to know each other he told me that he had a lot of friends that were girls. I told him don’t gay guys have a lot of girlfriends, and he did get upset for me saying that. But, he said he just got along better with them.

He does have a small group of male friends which I have meet and all hung out. When he’s with his guy friends they joke around and grab each other, and sometimes they touch places that shouldn’t be touched. He’s freely admitted that he’s touched another man’s penis and seemed proud of it.

He recently ran into an old best friend he had when he was a kid, and now they are glued to the hip. He would rather go hang out with him than see me, or we’d do something and his friend comes along or at least he gets an invite.

My boyfriend has told me that he and this friend have been real close in the past and that they have showered together, and he mentioned they’ve had sword fights with their privates. They also had a 3-some with a girl. All I know is that he seems like he worships the ground he walks on. I don’t know if it’s because they haven’t seen each other in a long time and that he’s making up for it. But, honestly I think he’s gay or bi. And, another thing, he always seems to mention or announce that he’s comfortable with his sexuality. Please let me understand. – Confused

Dear Ms. Confused,

In the infamous words of television personality Wendy Williams, “How you doin’?” LMBAO!

Girl, if you can’t see the writing on the wall, then I can’t help you. Your man is gay! Gay! Gay! Gay!

He’s admitted to you about his preference in so many words and yet, you’re still in this relationship despite your own gut feelings telling you that he is gay! Come on, honey. You’re not that naïve are you? Please, lawd, I hope the retardation gene is not contagious upon reading, touching, or hearing asinine dumb bull-ish like this.

I’m going to help you to the light, Carol Anne, because you are stuck in the Poltergeist. Here are some pretty obvious things that your “boyfriend” has said to you:

1.) He and his friends joke around and grab each other and touch places that shouldn’t be touched. Hmmmm, I don’t know any straight man who would joke around and grab for another man’s package. Men don’t play like that. Can you imagine walking in your neighborhood and you see some grown men joking around grabbing for each other’s packages? What would you think if you saw that?

2.) Your man admitted to you that he’s touched another man’s penis. I ask you, why? Why would he touch another man’s penis? Do you go around touching other women’s vaginas? Let’s say this – If he wasn’t your man, and he was someone you knew in passing and he admitted to touching another man’s penis, what would you think of him? You would think he’s gay, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t question it or doubt it. You know in your rational mind that any man who admits to touching another man’s penis has either got to be gay or bi-sexual. So, why are you excusing your man for it? I’ll wait while you ponder that.

3.) Your man admitted to you that he has showered with his best friend and they’ve had sword fights with their penis’s (In the gay world that’s called, “grinding”). But, err, uhm, sweetie, as soon as you heard this you should have politely stood up, gathered your things, and walked out the door. There would be no need for further communication, assessment, or explanation. How could he justify this? What could he possible say to you to make you think anything other than he was a flaming homosexual who is using you as some type of guise, or trying to prove his own manhood to lawd knows who?

You can sit over there and be in denial all you want, but your man and his so-called “best friend” are boyfriends. They are in a relationship and you are the odd ball out. I can’t stop laughing because you stated that when you and your boyfriend do something the best friend comes along or gets an invite. Uhm, I think you got the game confused. You are the one who is the third wheel. They are brining you along. LMBAO!

It’s time to call him out, and stop the damn charade. He ain’t fooling nobody, but you! LOL! I find it sad and unfortunate that he is using you and not being honest with you and himself. His behaviors, and his actions are that of a homosexual man, and he may be in denial about it, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he is using you and lying to you about it. I suggest that you sit with him, and in a loving tone you point it all out to him, and let him know that it’s okay to be who he is. He shouldn’t have to hide or be afraid of being his true authentic self. Let him know that his family, and friends who truly love him will always love him regardless. Let him know that he is loved, and that he is one of God’s children. And, if he needs someone to talk to you, and if you’re willing to be a friend, let him know he can come to you anytime. But, remaining in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend is not going to resolve his issues, and that you both can move on with your lives because you both deserve to be with someone who loves you both without any lies or games. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Husband Goes Out Until 5 In The Morning & He Is Neglecting His Family”

“My Man Is On Porn & Dating Websites All Day & It Bothers Me”

Start Gallery

Help! I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, and we’ve been married for 2 years. We have 2 beautiful boys, but lately all I’ve been wanting to do is leave him. He wants to go out 6 to 7 days a week and come in at 5 in the morning. It wouldn’t be a problem if he took me along sometimes, but I can’t go at all. When I call to check on him he snaps and is real short with me.

When it comes to our kids he’s a great father indoors, but getting him to come out with us is impossible. It’s even getting to the point that our 5 year old asks why he’s not with us. In the beginning it was all good, like most relationships are, but when we got married he changed. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I tell him how I feel until I’m blue in the face and all he says is, “That’s you making you feel like that.”

We don’t do anything together and when I suggest we do it’s always, “No, I don’t feel like it.” I think he’s seeing someone else because he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never let it go when he’s woke. We used to be intimate almost every day, but now it’s like I have to beg for it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Do I stay for the kids or leave and try to find myself? Please help. – Looking For Myself

Dear Ms. Looking For Myself,

Girl, you’ve been with your husband for 6 years, and he’s acting different and brand new, and you can’t put your finger on it? Hmph! No ma’am! Don’t start doubting your womanly instincts now. PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! And, girl, if you don’t know him and his patterns by now, then I don’t know what to tell you. Men are predictable creatures. They love doing things that are in order, routine, and consistent. Now, look at your man’s recent behaviors and patterns and ask yourself if they have been routine or consistent in all the 6 years you’ve known him. I mean, come on sweetie. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or brain surgeon to add up the bull-ish he’s running on you to figure this out.

Chile, let me pull out my bull-ish calculator. Now, when I add that he is going out 6 to 7 days a week and coming in at 5 in the morning, I get that’s he’s cheating on your ass. I now add that when you call to check on him and he snaps and is real short with you, uhm, that equals that he is still cheating on your ass. Now, let’s add that you said you don’t even know who he is anymore, and when you tell him how you feel he replies, “That’s you making you feel like that,” I get that he is really cheating on your ass. I’m now going to multiply that since you don’t do anything together and when you do suggest something he replies, “No, I don’t feel like it.” Well, according to my bull-ish calculator it’s because he’s tired from being with his other woman that he’s cheating on you with.

Now, I’m going to do the square root of, “He’s cheating on your ass,” with the fact that he hides his phone when he’s sleep and never lets it go when he’s woke, and I get that “He’s a dirty trifling low-down dog with secrets and  he doesn’t want you to discover his indiscretions.” But, wait, let me do the square root of that with the fact that you used to be intimate every day, but now you have to beg for it and I get, “YOUR MAN IS CHEATING ON YOUR ASS AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP THE HELL UP AND STOP BEING SO DAMN NAÏVE AND GULLABLE!”

There is obviously a breakdown in the communication between you and your husband. He’s not respecting you or listening to your requests for time spent with the family. And, you’re not listening to whatever is going on with him. Besides, it’s not just what he is saying to you, but what he’s also doing to you and your children. His actions are speaking loud and very clear. So, perhaps you suggest some marriage counseling, or seek out your pastor for spiritual guidance. There is something going on with your husband and he is not being forthright with whatever it is. And, I hate to say he’s cheating, but a man who is married and leaving the house 6 to 7 nights a week, and not returning until 5 in the morning. Uhm, he’s doing something, or somebody. I wouldn’t tolerate that type of behavior without any explanations.

If you can’t get anywhere with open and honest communication, then you will have to consider some other options, but only after you’ve exhausted and explored all other possibilities. Again, there could be something going on that he’s not expressing, but his behavior is that of a man who has some indiscretions and secrets. Get to the root of his problem, and you’ll get to the issue of your marriage. Now, get to talking with him, and listen to what he’s saying, and pay attention to his actions. If he keeps acting up, then pack his –ish and get to stepping. Why try to make something work with someone who is obviously not interested or invested in being with you and your children? – Straight  From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“My Man Is On Porn & Dating Websites All Day & It Bothers Me”

7 Things A Man Only Does If He’s Serious About You

My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

In August of 2011, I went to a club with my girlfriends and as the night progressed my eyes locked eyes with this guy across the dance floor. We spoke and exchanged numbers and I also noticed he had a thick accent. So, I asked how long he was in Jamaica for and he said he was leaving the Sunday (it was Wednesday). His friends and my friends spent the rest of our time in the club dancing and enjoying the music.

The following day he invited me to dinner and I learned a little about his background and that he is also Jamaican but he migrated at a young age.  He said he was 40-years old (8 years my senior), single and have no kids and he lives alone. He asked if I could spend the rest of his time in Jamaica with him and I said no because I had previous plans (trip to the country to visit my friend’s grandmother who was not doing so well health wise). On the way home he gave me his contact info for the states (work address and home address and numbers) and he promised to stay in touch.

We communicated every day by phone and bbm until October 2011 when he came out to surprise me at my office. I was so happy because I was beginning to like him and he seemed more mature and conscious in his thinking. We spent a week together and he went home, and my issue now is that he met me single and I haven’t been with anyone since meeting him in August. He had said he is not really the texting type, but he will talk on the phone but sometimes I would text in the morning and he would not answer until later that night. He works in construction and I get that the job can be hectic, and when he gets home he falls asleep, but the conversations have gotten less frequent. He has gone a weekend without saying anything and resurfaced saying he went to a funeral and his phone had no signal on it.

Otherwise from that, he has been there when I needed a listening ear. He calls and asks about my mom. He asked how things are in Jamaica, and he shows concern about me in general, but he just seems so distant. I know long distant relationships are the work of the devil. I don’t know if he will be coming back to Jamaica, but do you think I’m reading too much into his actions? – Island Girl Left Afloat

Dear Ms. Island Girl Left Afloat,

Girl, that man was looking for a fling while he was on vacation. He was not looking for a relationship, a girlfriend, or a wife. He wanted to have a good time, and he saw you as a good time piece of ass. Honey, I hope you know that when folks go out of the country, especially to exotic locales and Caribbean Islands, they are not there for love. They are there for sex, parties, and good times. It’s just like going to Vegas – whatever happens there, stays there. He wanted to get in your pants and have you freak his lights out. LMBAO!

But, let’s explore this. There’s one of two things going on with that man. Either he has a slew of women at his disposal and you are just another girl he’s ready to add to the mix. Or, he’s gay/down low and he’s just not that into you.

Let’s discuss the first option of him having a slew of women. He meets you on the island, asks you to dinner the next night, and after conversation you two are feeling one another and then he asks if you two can spend the rest of his time together. Hmmmm, sounds like a player to me. He’s baiting you and just wants to have some frequent available island p***y when he comes back. Think about it: He told you that he was single and lives alone. That I don’t believe. You can believe that bull-ish all you want, but I don’t. Some woman, or women is occupying his time. And, his delayed response in texting, and not calling, uhm, sweetie, again, someone or something is occupying his time. So, you sit afloat on the seas all you want, but know this, no man who is interested in a woman, and I don’t care where she is, will not respond to her texts and calls, or ignore her. He will find a way, come hell or high water, to get in communication with her.

Now, the second option is him being gay/down low. You do remember *cough* *cough* Jonathon Plummer, the ex-husband of Terry McMillan, who posed as a straight man, then married her and used her to get out of Jamaica . Although the circumstances may be different between the stories because the man you’ve met is off the island and not seeking to have a sponsor, but, something is not right with a man being 40-years old, no kids, single, and living alone in the United States. That just seems odd and peculiar, don’t you think? And, he disappears with no communication with you and you have no idea or clue as to where he is, what he’s doing, and whom he’s doing. You see, you’re so captivated by him that you are not paying attention to what can be so painfully obvious. I’m going to repeat this again: He’s 40-years old, no kids, single, and lives alone. DOESN’T THAT SOUND ODD AND PECULIAR?

Now, again, you can sit afloat on those seas and be all starry-eyed and hopelessly in love with the idea and hope that this man is the one for you. Or, you can start being sensible and pay attention to what he’s showing you in regards to his character. I’ve said this a thousand times and I’ll keep saying it: WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S BEHAVIOR.  He is not that busy that he cannot return a text or phone call. He isn’t the freaking president, or mayor of a major city. He’s not a business tycoon, or a celebrity. He is a construction worker. Girl, stop being naïve and open your eyes and see what’s really going on. He is either playing you and keeping you around with just enough communication so that when he does return to the island he will have some ass waiting on him, or he’s not that interested in you where he finds putting in the time and effort will be worth the long distance calls and travel. WAKE THE HELL UP!!!

And, the reality is that he doesn’t live in Jamaica. And, you’re not moving to the U.S. So, you tell me how this story is going to end? – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

I’ve read one of your comments on, “My Husband Baby Mother Is Getting On My Nerves.” Loved, loved, loved your insight and honesty, therefore I have a question.

My husband’s family, particularly a female cousin, is bothering me. It seems like she wants her cousin in some kind of incest, or something. LOL! She texts me only if she can’t reach him, and confuses my messages and complains to my husband about me. She is over 40-years old, lonely, no man, and recently she doesn’t talk to me.

We missed her birthday party because we had another engagement. I asked her when was over and she never replied. I apologized many times, but I am not in the ass kissing business. I’ve offered to take her to dinner. She ignores me. She calls my husband crying saying, “You’re gonna believe her over me.”

I threw a party for my stepdaughter and she didn’t come. I don’t know her exact words, but she didn’t come because it was my house. Well, duh, it’s her favorite cousin’s house also. SMH! Anywho, I’m trying to avoid her at all costs, but I might see her in two weeks. I don’t feel like doing the hello kiss-kiss on both cheeks with her. FYI, I’ve seen her after her birthday at a Super Bowl party and it looked like she wasn’t gonna say anything, or she was waiting to see if I would approach her. Anywho, I might smile and meet and greet other people in the family, but I don’t really wanna kiss her hello, just a hello and wave. What should I do? – Tired Of My Husband’s Cousin

Dear Ms. Tired Of My Husband’s Cousin,

Uhm, sweetie, if you’re not in the ass kissing business then stop dropping to your knees and puckering your lips. Freak her! Let her throw her temper tantrums and act out like a little ass kid. You’ve extended the olive branch many times, and, yet she continues to want to act like a bish, so treat her like a bish. She is a non-mofo factor! She’s insignificant. Don’t let her affect your life. Chile, puhlease. I wish I would let some insignificant trifling heifer get under my skin. You better getoverher.com. And ,as a matter of fact just ignore her ass.

She is a silly ass woman, and I can’t stand grown ass women who act like little ass girls. You and your husband missed her birthday party due to a previous engagement, but she’s mad at you and won’t speak with you. Then you invite her to your stepdaughter’s birthday party and she doesn’t show up because she says it’s your house??!! Really!? Really! So, because she has a problem with you she is going to take it out on the stepdaughter, her own family member. It’s obvious she is not operating with a fool deck. Pull the hoe’s card and put that bish in her place.

Then she has the nerve to text you looking for your husband?!? Oh, no ma’am! The next time she texts you looking for YOUR husband, then you respond and tell her, “Look heifer, if you can’t speak to me or talk to me like a woman, then stop texting me looking for my husband.” And, those messages she is sending to your husband complaining about you, which you think she is confusing and sending them to you. Chile, I hate to break it to you, but she is not that dumb. She is not confusing the messages. She is sending them to you intentionally. She wants you to see them. She’s trying to act sly and naïve. If she wants to play that game, then let’s play. If she sends another ‘confusing’ message, call her up and read it back to her, and then let her know if she has some issue with you then speak up. This is her chance to get whatever is bothering her off her chest. And, if she doesn’t have anything to say, you simply let her know, “We’re both grown ass women.

This isn’t high school! I don’t have time to play childish ass elementary games. So, I’m letting you know that you don’t ever have to speak to me. You don’t even have to like me. But, you will respect me. And, I’ll be damned if you’re going to call, text, and send messages to my husband complaining about me. Leave him out of it.”

If you two can’t talk and communicate about whatever issue is going on, then I’m going to put both of you in separate corners and make you face the wall. UGH! She’s over 40-years old, with no man, and lonely. HELLO!!!!! And, she’s calling your husband and complaining to him about you. SMDH! Smack that woman upside her damn head and see if that will rattle her brain and knock some sense into it. Why is she putting your husband in the middle of her issue with you? Oh yeah, you did state that you feel that she may have some “feelings” for your husband. Watch her! Don’t sleep on your instincts. As a matter of fact, trust them.

Look, don’t worry about seeing her in the upcoming weeks at an event. Kill the hoe with kindness, and keep doing you. Let her suck her teeth, bitch, complain, and act out all she wants. As long as she keeps your name out of her mouth, and doesn’t step out of pocket with you and says something slick out of her mouth toward you, then keep it moving. She doesn’t make you or break you. She doesn’t pay the bills in your home, nor is she putting food on your table, or sleeping with you at night. So, treat her like the wretched street common asshole that she is acting like. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

How Using Tough Love Can Save Your Relationship

“He Asked To Borrow $2,000, But Days Later He Says He Wants To Be Alone”

Start Gallery

I am writing you this letter because I respect your honesty. I got involved with a guy in November of last year, seven months after leaving my physically abusive ex of twelve years. He invited me over, and we spent time together several times without having any sexual contact. Two months into the “friendship” he started asking me to loan him money. TO be brief, he paid me back the money that he borrowed just like he said he would.

Six months into it, he asked me to loan him $2,000, and I did out of my taxes (I got back 11 grand) and, because he paid me back over $1,000 that he borrowed from me previously. After he gets this money from me, he then tells me that he wants to be to himself two days later. I asked him why in the hell would he ask me for money then all of a sudden want to be alone. He claims that he was going through some things. Whatever. Anyhow, he had promised to repay me the money in monthly payment of $100, and only gave me one payment. He claimed that his mother spent his money that was in his account, and that he could not pay me back as we agreed. He promised to have a payment in two weeks, and to call him then. Unbeknownst to me, he had filed three police reports claiming that I had harassed him for months, and that he didn’t owe me any money. I was served with a restraining order, and he was granted one for six months.

I sued him in civil court because even though we had no promissory note, I had 10 recent text messages of him owing me the money and promising to repay it. I subpoena his mother as my witness, because I knew from the beginning that his story was BS. She testified under oath that she had no knowledge of me or my money. This old woman straight up lied! The betrayal that I felt, on top of the heartbreak, intensified. I realized that he had set out from the beginning to use me, and he lied to me when he could’ve been honest. That’s all I ever asked, and he knew that I cared deeply for him. So, I’m still in litigation, but he knew that I needed this money back. He knew that I was a single mom with two daughters. So, he didn’t just take that from me, he took from my kids too. I was good to him, compassionate when he cried on my shoulders, and I try to be the best person I can be to all of my friends, family and associates. I did nothing for him that I wouldn’t do for anyone else.

I used to be extremely selfish, and now I went from being too selfish to being too free-hearted. I allowed someone to see the good in me, and take advantage of it. I feel so stupid and I take responsibility for even loaning the money. It’s the betrayal that hurt most, the lies, the restraining order he lied on me in, when all I did was be good to him. How can someone be so heartless and cruel? No conscience. I go to church, I work hard for my tax money, I don’t lie, manipulate or use people. He had given me money to and bought me things, so all of this caught me off guard. Again, this was his plan, his trap for me. I met his representative; the real him came out much later.

I went through a severe depression, and even now, I’m still trying to put myself back together. I want his mom to be in court for the trial, so she can see how he did me. I’m really hoping that she make him realize how wrong he is, because she is the only woman he cares anything about. He has a daughter, and I told him that I’m someone’s daughter too. So, I guess that I’m just asking how to get over the betrayal. I see now that I got involved too soon after the 12 years with my ex, so men are a no-no for a long time. No sex, no friends, no nothing. I see why he’s been single all these years, and for him to be a FED-EX manager for 13 years, why use me for money? I’m ready for the lashing, but I just want him to understand how wrong he is, and how he really wounded me. I want someone to hurt him like that too, so he can see how that -ish feels. Maybe then he will realize how he hurt me, and all the other women he took advantage of. Because I know I’m not the first one. – He Took From Me

Dear Ms. He Took From Me,

Ma’am, the problem is that you ran from one abusive relationship right into another. You didn’t take the time to heal and seek therapy from your physically abusive relationship of 12 years, and I’m certain there was some emotional and mental abuse as well. But, the fact remains that you didn’t heal. You didn’t undo the 12 years of abuse that you suffered, thus, any man who heard your cry and your story knew that you were wounded. And, just like a lion, that man saw you as an easy weak prey grazing in the wilderness and pounced on you and your vulnerability.

I agree with you wholeheartedly that you should stay away from men and sex until you do some real therapy and learn how to recognize your own self-worth, and get to the point of loving you fully, completely, and honestly. Until you get to that point, please do not get involved with anyone else. As a matter of fact, focus on your daughters and raising them to be strong, beautiful, intelligent women who will not suffer or experience the heartache and pain you did for so long.

And, Ms. Honey, I’ve said this time and time again. And, quite frankly, girl, I’m getting tired of repeating myself, but here it goes: DO NOT LOAN MONEY TO FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND.  You are not a bank. You are not a credit union. You are not an ATM machine. And, if these people cannot walk into a bank and get a loan, then why the hell would you loan them money? If they bank sees them as a high-risk, then take note and tell them the same thing: “Boo Boo, I’m sorry, but according to your past creditors, debts, and your credit score of 375, you are a high-risk for a loan. I’m sorry, but I can’t loan you any money.”

Ladies, ladies, ladies, giving a man money to prove your love, loyalty, and your self-righteous attitude of, “I’m a good woman and good person, and I hope you’ll recognize that by me giving you money and it will join us together in love and make you fall deeper for me.” That MoFo –ish is pure insane asinine ass backwards thinking! Giving a man money is not going to prove anything other than that you got the money to give, and if you’re so giving then they’ll keep asking. Uhm, sweetie, if you’re such a wonderful, church-going woman, and you want to feel good about giving your money away then there are plenty of charities that can benefit from your kindness and good heart. A man is not one of them!

But, that rat bum bastard needs to have his nuts cut off. Someone needs to shake him down and whoop his ass! Why he did what he did is just purely evil and conniving. He is an asshole and to take money from you, and your children, is spiteful, dirty, and lowdown. But, don’t worry about the karma because he will pay and it’ll be in a way that’ll wear his narrow ass out!!!

Also, I need for you to understand yourself and why you keep attracting the men that you do. It’s time to do some introspection and look at yourself and the pattern of men you’ve allowed in your life. Your abusive ex is not the first man to abuse you. I’m certain of that. Look at every man you’ve been with, and the abuse you’ve suffered as a result. It can emotional, mental, and of course physical. Then ask yourself why is your self-esteem so low. Why do you need a man in your life that will use you, abuse you, and take advantage of you? Only you can answer these questions. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself the truth!!!! Damn it!

Moving forward, please continue with the court proceedings and keep every documented piece of evidence that you can. You’re going to have to prove in court that he asked to “borrow” the money, and that you “loaned” him the money, as well as he “promised” to pay you back. If you have emails, texts, or voicemail messages with him stating any of this, then it will help you in court. I also hope that you got him to sign something saying that you are loaning him money and he is to pay you back in a reasonable amount of time. A conversation between you two will not fly in court. You need to have it written, signed, and notarized. And, in the future, if you EVER decide to loan anyone money, I’ll snatch your ass by the head and whoop your ass myself. But, just in case make them sign a contract and include every detail possible about the repayments and the amount they are borrowing. But, to alleviate anything like this happening again, DO NOT LOAN MONEY OUT EVER! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“We Practice Different Religions, So Should I Keep Him Or Choose God”

“I Love My Man, But In The Bedroom He’s Not Fulfilling My Desires”

Start Gallery

I read your responses to the various letters weekly and love the advice you give, but now I have a question for you.

I am in a situation where the love of my life is not of my religious faith but has no problems with my choice in religion. However, my religion teaches that being with someone outside of the religion is wrong and considered an “uneven” union. We love each other, but there is a strong chance that I will lose my family if I should choose to marry him and start a family. So, in short, which is stronger, the bond between a man and wife, or seeking alleged favor from God? – Religion Or My Man

Dear Ms. Religion Or My Man,

Honey, honey, honey, please! This shouldn’t even be a thought, conversation, or consideration of what to do. Always, always, always choose God. I don’t care what, who, when, why, or where but when it comes to choosing between faith and a man, God should always be your first choice, life, and purpose.

I also believe, like your religion, that an uneven union will always fall. There are many factors to consider especially when it comes to various practices and prayers. Do you honor certain holidays and religious figures? Do you pray to an altar or shrine? Do you have a priest, bishop, or pastor? Many religions do not acknowledge certain foods, or medical attention. And, how will you raise a child if you decide to start a family? Will the child be from your religious faith or your husband’s? These are some of the things you have to take into consideration.

Also, this is the problem many persons face when they don’t consider the ramifications of dating and marrying someone of a different religion. And, in your case, you’ve stated that there is a chance that you may lose your family. Is family important to you? Does it matter what they think and feel about his religious upbringing? And, is he asking you to change your faith to become part of his religion? Or, is he willing to conform to yours?

Look, if you put God first you will get and have the answer you need. But, you’ve got to allow God to be number one in your life. God is not an option and nor should God be secondary to anything or anyone. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Love My Man, But In The Bedroom He’s Not Fulfilling My Desires”

“I’m Pregnant But I’ve Learned My Man Has A Fiance & A 6-Month Old Baby”

Start Gallery

I am a 26-year old female who is about to give birth to my very first child. Although my child is a blessing the circumstances in which she will be born are a nightmare for me.

I planned a child with a man who is now nowhere to be found after being together for three years and thinking I knew him. Not to mention the fiancé and 6-month old child I found out about right before his disappearance. To make matters worse, it has been brought to my attention that I’m not the only female he’s done this to. OMG! I thought I knew this guy well enough to want a family and a life with him, and then all this comes pouring down on me.

I have a good idea he’ll be back, but then what? What comes after all that, seeing as how a child is involved, not to mention the deep emotional attachment I’ve built over the three years I’d known him? Is there an explanation or excuse that can possibly be acceptable at this point? DAMMIT I’M HURT, but part of me wants it to work? Holding Out Hope

Dear Ms. Holding Out Hope,

Uhm, well damn! You’re caught up in a trick bag, and your man left you holding the bag. It’s not time to open the bag and pull out the tricks and use them on him.

If he decides to come back then you make sure everything is in order for his return:

1.)    Hand him the papers of the court ordered child support payments. That’ll knock some reality into his ass and let him know that this is not a game.

2.)    Gather the other women he’s done this to, and you all have a welcome back party for him. Have him meet you at a private disclosed location, and when he walks in all of you yell, “Surprise!” Lock the door behind his ass, and let the games begin.

You want an explanation or excuse as to why this can possibly be acceptable at this point? Honey, there is none. He is trifling, no good, and a dirty dog. He’s treated you, and other women, as if you were incidental people in his life. He played with your emotions and feelings and then got you pregnant leaving you with the hopes of starting a family and having a life with him. Well, guess what boo boo, you have both, but it won’t be under the circumstances that you want it. You’ll forever be in each other’s lives, and you’ll be a family, but a very strained family.

And, I know it hurts, but you’ve got to move on. The man doesn’t want you, or to be a family with you. He has a fiancé, a 6-month old child, and is not even thinking about you. The man was having another relationship while he was with you. And, he asked the other woman to marry him, which means that you were the side hoe. OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES AND SEE WHAT IS REAL AND NOT WHAT YOU HOPE THEM TO BE. So, this part of you that is hoping things will work out, girl, it won’t. He lied, manipulated, and deceived you. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Why would you want to ever let that person back into your life? If he did it once, trust, he’ll do it again.

You have your child to focus on and be concerned about. Your child’s well-being, and livelihood is what you should be getting prepared for. And, I would make sure that your ex is hit hard in the wallet to remind him that you can’t play with folks, help create a life, and think you can just walk away. No ma’am. As a matter of fact, if he returns and tries to get back up in your bed and between your legs, I would play the S&M game with him. Tie his ass to the bed, and then go in the kitchen and boil some water and you know what’s next! That’ll teach his ass a lesson.

Gather your self-esteem and your self-worth and move on with your life. It’s time to give your love and energy to your child. This was a lesson learned. It’s a hard lesson, but take what you can from it, and be vigilante in your next relationship so that this won’t happen again. You’re too smart, beautiful, and intelligent to allow this man to have damaged you and destroyed you. WAKE UP AND GET YOUR LIFE! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

How Can I Be Supportive Of My Man Despite His Pyscho Baby Momma?”

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

Please help!  I’ve been going with my “fiancé” for nearly four years.  His ex divorced him five years ago (we met a year after his divorce), after they were married for 15 years. He has a now-17-year-old son with her. There were a lot of issues in his marriage and admits he was a terrible father. He had a substance and alcohol addiction problem and had difficulties holding down a job. He currently owes a LOT of back child support. He now works a fairly good job, although it’s low paying (but regular and long hours), and child support payments are deducted from his paychecks.

However, I feel his past issues with the ex are not my problem. I’ve tried to be supportive of him, even though we’ve had our own issues:  He has stolen from me and lied to me.  We’ve been in counseling and have tried to heal and I’ve tried to work with him to rebuild the trust.  Yet, he’s secretive about his relationship with the ex.

I feel it’s out of guilt that he behaves the way he does, and I feel she manipulates him because of the way he treated her in the marriage. (He may even have been unfaithful to her; I’m not sure.)  But now she’s DIVORCED from him. She shouldn’t be trying to get MY money from him. (We were living together for a year and-a-half until I kicked him out because he took money that he earned from side jobs that I found for him and gave the money to HER.)

Now he’s living with his brother and sister-in-law, sleeping in a kids’ bedroom and living like a 16-year-old with a 10 p.m. curfew. (I think this is good for him and is exactly what he needs at this point.)  His brother and sister-in-law will not put up with any crap from him. I tried not to, but he walked all over me. When he is late coming home now (past his 10 p.m. curfew), he has to sleep outside in his car. He isn’t allowed to have a key to his brother’s house.

He has asked me to let him come back and live with me. I’ve told him NO WAY. He wants to marry me, or so he claims, but he still carries on a secret relationship with the ex.

I understand that he will always have to have contact with her because of their son. BUT:  He visits with her at her house and never tells me when or what’s going on. I’ve NEVER met her, and she won’t allow me near their house. Once, we pulled up in her driveway after church (I was waiting in the car), and she came out of the house screaming and told him to get his “girlfriend” off the property and never to bring “her” near the house again or she would call the police. She won’t let me near the 17-year-old son and badmouths me to the son, whom I’ve only seen twice in the nearly four years I’ve been going with my fiancé.

How do I handle this? My fiancé is not moving toward marrying me. We’re Catholic and since both of us have been married before, in order to be married in the Church, we have to go through the annulment process. I started the paperwork process with our Church two years ago, but my fiancé won’t continue with the paperwork. It’s always an excuse. He has not been able to put any money away and is always broke. (He’s bankrupt.) He had a chance to get his bankruptcy resolved by my CPA for whom I work (free of charge) and he canceled the appointment. Now my CPA doesn’t want anything to do with him.

He still claims I’m “the love of his life” and that “one day” I will be his wife and that I’m his “wife” in his mind.

What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.

The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation. Thanks for your advice. – He’s My Man

Dear Ms. He’s My Man,

Girl, girl, girl! Really? Really! Today, you’re going to bring this bull-ish to me and it’s only the middle of the damn week?!

I was cracking up reading your letter and saying to myself, “She is truly a bird. She is truly special. And, I’m talking about special ed. As a matter of fact, I’m enrolling you in my special ed classes at my Academy for Retarded Ass-Backward Women Who Don’t Know Their Ass From A Hole In A Ground.”

You have got to be out of your got damn mind to want to marry this man. You have got to be the dumbest woman living on the face of earth to even get wrapped up in this madness and drama with this man.

I’m going to list several reasons why you should not get married to him:

1.)    He has stolen from you.

2.)    He has lied to you.

3.)    You’ve only met his 17-year old son twice in four years.

4.)    He is a drug addict and alcoholic.

5.)    He is broke and bankrupt.

6.)    He is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Trust me. He is!

7.)    He is keeping secrets from you, and therefore, he is not honest or truthful, or trustworthy.

8.)    He’s living in his brother and sister-in-law’s home, with a curfew, and he has no key to the home because they don’t even trust him.

9.)    The money he earned from side jobs you helped him find he gave the money to his ex.

Finally, in order to get married you have to file annulment paperwork, which you have done, but he somehow can’t seem to finish. Thus, this means you’re not worth the time and effort. In essence: YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!

Now listen here, sweetie, if every time you go out of your way to help him, and he doesn’t want to help himself, then why do you keep getting on your knees and kissing his left and right ass cheeks? Stop licking and sucking his ass. He’s not worth it.

But here’s the thing, all of you are treating him like a kid. Which he is. You’re babying him and holding his hand, and trying to get him to do the right thing. His brother is babying him and treating him like a kid. And, even his ex-wife is coddling him and manipulating him. Hmmmm, you see where I’m going with this? He’s a grown ass kid and won’t make any adult choices for himself because all of you are doing it for him. How about all of you treat him like an adult, and when he finds himself with no place to live, struggling with his finances, and he has to actually do things for himself, then hopefully his grown ass will grow the “F” up.

I’m going to wrap this up and I hope you will think for once in your life. And, I mean actually use your brain for something more intellectual other than watching Jerry Springer, Maury, and other non-academic or brain stimulating activities. How can this man actually afford to take care of you if he owes sooooo much back child support, he’s financially inept, bankrupt, and works a minimum wage job?  And, you say he says that you’re the love of his life. LMBAO! You’re actually wrong. You are the mother of his life. Don’t get it twisted. Then you ask, “What should I do?  I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.” Then stop. Someone can’t break your heart unless you allow them to. Stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his crusty nasty ass feet on your heart.

You go on to say, “The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation.” If you know this and he’s not doing anything to help the situation, then why are you still there? Why are you hoping he will do what he’s supposed to and after five years of being with him he’s done nothing for you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to end this and let it marinate in your thick ass brainless skull. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“We Set A Date To Get Married, But Now He Doesn’t Want To Get Married”

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

My fiancé and I have been together for going on five years. We had a very rough start, but he came around. After a year or so being together we moved in together. He asked me to marry him after a huge fight and me wanting to move out. I love this man with all of my heart, but I said, “No,” because I felt it was the wrong time to be asking that sort of question.

After we worked things out, he asked me again. This time I said yes! Fast forward three and half years, and now he doesn’t want to get married. After we’ve set a date and everything he says we do not need a piece of paper to know we are married! He says he will do it for me, but for everyone else asking his remarks and expressions say he doesn’t! Why would he ask me to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Where is this going? – Does He Really Want To Get Married

Dear Ms. Does He Really Want To Get Married,

SMDH! Chile, I swear you pressed and unrelenting women don’t and won’t learn.

You want to know where it’s going? Uhm, nowhere.

You want to know why would he ask you to marry him if he didn’t want to get married? Because underneath all your drama, nagging, and complaining he really never ever wanted to get married. I’m certain that it’s YOU who wants to get married. And, to make you happy and to keep a happy home, he is doing what he thinks you want him to do. Therefore, like most men who don’t really want to get married, but the pressures from their girlfriends who won’t stop nagging and bringing up the marriage issue a man will get to the point where he will be like, “Okay! Damn! Let’s get married. Let’s do this and hopefully you will shut the hell up!!!”

But, also like most men, they will tell you truth after careful consideration, thought, and processing that they do not want to get married. They never wanted to get married and the only reason he is doing it is because YOU want to get married. YOU want the wedding. YOU want to show off to your friends and family members that YOU got a man to agree to walk down the aisle and profess his love for you. LMBAO!

This is what I don’t understand and I do hope that someone will please explain it to me: Why do you women date these men for years on end, move in, play house and do all the things a married couple does, and then all of a sudden it dawns on you that you have no ring on your finger and you start demanding he makes a woman out of you and marry you? DOES THAT MAKE ANY FREAKING TYPE OF SENSE? I swear you’re some ass backwards thinking and doing folks. Now you want to back track and do things the right way. Now you want to reverse what’s already been set forth.

And, weren’t you the one who said, “No,” when he asked you initially to marry him? Now, you’re all concerned and perturbed because he’s telling you he doesn’t need a piece of paper for you to know you’re married. And, the only reason he will do it is for you! Now, listen to what he is saying. Pay attention because I’m certain that comprehension is not your strong suit.  LMBAO! Please, baby Jesus make it stop! This is what he is saying: HE IS ONLY GOING TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Now, you have an option: You can either ignore his desire not to be married and force him down the aisle and live a life of misery and unhappiness with a man who feels his is doing something he really wants to do, but will only do it to appease you? Or, you can wait and do some marriage counseling courses, and get to the root of why he doesn’t want to get married. And, you can save yourself the heartache, pain, and agony of trying to be with a man who will probably be much happier if you wanted and allowed him to be the initiator for marriage. I’m just saying. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Would You Sign A Two-Year Marriage License To Avoid The Divorce Process?

7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You [VIDEO]

I need help with one of my best friends who introduced me to your site.

He is a good friend and my daughter’s godfather. He just doesn’t make the best decisions, especially when it comes to women. We attended college together and worked together for three years, and about six months ago he told me he was leaving and moving to Atlanta with a female friend.

I was happy for him, but at the same time a little concern. See, he is the type of guy that is woman crazy. He falls head over heels for women even if they show no interest in wanting him. The first of the year I get a call from one of our other friends and he began telling me about our mutual friend. Since he has been in Atlanta we talk about every month and he makes it seems that everything is all good and he loves it. He called our friend, however, to borrow money and he told him what was going on and told him the truth about his living conditions.

He takes care of her three kids, his godchildren, baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning, and giving her something on rent every month. But, come to find out he is sleeping on the floor of her three-bedroom apartment. She has an empty room for her two-year old, but since the child sleeps with her, she won’t let my friend have it. Then, she has a young twenty-two year old boyfriend, who is close to moving in also. While my friend is handling chores like a stay-at-home husband, she’s in her room getting the ‘D’ from a younger guy.

I talked to him last week, and he didn’t sound like himself. His tune was of someone defeated and unhappy, not his usual happy joking personality. I tried talking to him, but I think everything I said went in one ear and out the other. He is continuing putting up that front like everything is all right. His voice tells of something different. I know he continues reading your site and I feel hearing advice from you might make him snap into his right mind and get out of that situation before it turns on him. I also have to mention that the job he had covered his medical insurance, and now he has no insurance and has health problems.

His female friend keeps nagging him about getting a better job and giving her more money, while she is living above her means. I feel her new guy will soon want him out of the picture and he’s going to be stuck homeless trying to move back home. I think it is hurting his pride that he doesn’t have a job, and moving back will make him look like a failure. I am close to giving up on him because honestly he is too old to be living like this. We are both in our thirties, I am 31 years old, and married with kids and he is close to 36 years old with no kid. What should I do, let him keep on this path until he hits a brick wall, or help him save himself the pain and misery and admit defeat. – Help my friend out before he is homeless and naked on a corner!

Dear Ms. Help My Friend,

Chile, I say let his dumb ass find out the hard way. I’m all for helping folks, and helping friends, and extending a hand to them, but if they don’t want to listen and they are stubborn or have too much damn pride to admit when –ish ain’t working out, then, unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit the brick wall and hit rock bottom so they can see the situation for themselves.

It’s truly sad when a grown ass man who appears to have it all together, smart, educated, and a good head on his shoulders, but is too p****y hungry to know the difference between being used and being taken advantage of. He’s a clown and needs to have his ass clowned!

And, for the record, who the hell moves to another state with someone they barely know, sleeps on the floor, does the household chores like a live-in nanny and maid, and watches as some young tender bangs his girl? Oh, my bad, your friend!

Chile, I am truly thankful for my friends! Thank the Lord! We have a policy with each other that no matter what we will always be brutally honest with each other. We tell each other when we are doing asinine stupid ass –ish. We tell each other the TRUTH, regardless if we want to hear it or not, we don’t bite our tongues, and we don’t hold back. What good is it to have friends who co-sign your bull-ish and watch you go through something and then talk about you behind your back? No ma’am! Not me!

Honey, you’ve done all you can do. You’ve spoken with him, gave him a listening ear, and reached out and have been a friend to him. He is the one that is not opening up and being honest with you about his situation. You are getting the information secondhand. Unfortunately, and until he is ready, he is going to have to wake up and see what’s really real and say to himself, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I, a 36 year old grown ass man sitting up in this woman’s APARTMENT, not house, and sleeping on the floor, giving her money for rent, doing all the chores, baby-sitting, and some other dude is banging her back out? What am I trying to prove? Why is my ego so damn big and I’m too proud to admit that this –ish isn’t working, and I need help?” But, your friend won’t and can’t do that. And, it’s because of his ego and pride.

So, let his ego and pride put him out on the streets. Let his ego and pride ignore his health and realize he has no medical insurance. As a matter of fact, ask him if he can have sex with his ego and pride and if they can fulfill his longing desire to be with someone, feel love, and be wanted?

Your friend is searching for something that you cannot provide him with. He is looking for love. He is looking for someone to want him, desire him, and need him. And, he will put himself in this precarious and F’d up situations because he is driven by his emotions which are clouding his mental capabilities. So, let him learn his lesson, and hopefully he will stop being so damn egotistical, and hard-headed and count his losses. And, let him know you’re still there for him, and will have his back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

“I Know My Man Loves Me, But His Ex Refuses To Get Out Of The Picture”

“I Gave Him The Ultimatum Of “Now or Never” For Marriage & He Said “Never”

Your articles have me in tear laughing. I’m a fan! LOL

Anywho, I have been dating my new boyfriend for almost 6 months and we recently told each other that we’re in love. He is so sweet to me, has bomb ass sex, and treats me like a queen. My birthday was recently and he gave me so many gifts and surprised me with a dinner and all our friends were there. I cried because nobody has ever treated me like him.

So, he is really not my issue. My issue is with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for 3 years. They had an on and off relationship and she cheated on him when he was away so he broke it off. I know he really loved and cared about her a lot because he kept giving her chances after she did him wrong. He says that he no longer loves her and wants nothing to do with her, but on his birthday she hit him up with this looong email saying how everyone in her family says happy birthday and that they love him (she also went on to make a few old jokes that they shared in common) and then to top it off she ended it with an, “I will always love you.”

He told me about this message, but it was only after I suspected she had contacted him because he made an indirect tweet about it and I figured it out. So, when he told me about the message I was a bit upset and asked him why he didn’t tell me. We finally came to an agreement that we would tell each other when an ex hits us up.

Now, my other issue is that she still contacts his mother and calls her “momma” and tells her she loves her. I can’t seem to get over this in my heart. I also found an old video of them together which also made me feel some kind of way. (I know I sound jealous) I love my man and want to stay with him, but I have a great feeling that his ex is not over him and will soon want him back if she already doesn’t. I don’t want his ex to become a problem, I want her to be a NON-FACTOR from here on out. Please give me your advice. -The New Girlfriend

Dear Ms. New Girlfriend,

Uhm, sweetie, she is a NON-MOFO’ing FACTOR! Why are you stressing over her? If he is not engaging her, leading her on, and reaching out and contacting her, then you don’t have anything to worry about. Let that bum ass wretched rat continue to scurry around sniffing for crumbs.

The man loves you! Don’t you get that! He went all out on your birthday. He gave you lots of gifts and surprised you with a dinner with all of your friends present. He demonstrated his love and emotions for you in front of everyone. The man loves YOU!

So what if his ex-girlfriend is sending loooong ass emails and trying to reconnect with him. That’s what a jilted and hurt ex will do when they know they’ve lost something really good. She wants him back because she realizes that she F’d up! She is the jackass that stepped out on him and treated him badly. She is the donkey that let a good man go, and in the words of Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”  And, now she’s reflecting over what she’s lost.

This is what I don’t understand. You have a good man. He loves you. Treats you like a queen. Does everything under the sun for you, and tells you he loves you, then why are you focusing on what his ex-girlfriend is doing? Why are you worried about her? If he is loving you, spending time with you, and giving you all his time and energy, then she shouldn’t even be a matter of consideration or thought. She is

If I were you I wouldn’t give her any energy, time, or space to rent in your head. You keep focusing on her then you will lose your man. You will begin to start making up things, and situations, and occurrences that don’t even exist. You’ll be imagining circumstances because your head will be playing games with you. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! Focus your energy and love on your man. Let him love you, treat you like the queen you are, and adorn you with lots of joy, happiness, and joy.

And, if Ms. Thing gets out of pocket and wants to show up and start requesting time with him, or calling your phone harassing you, then it’ll be time to get Jilly from Philly on her ass and let her know, “You’re getting in the way of what I’m feeling!” Let her know that she is old news, the old witch that had her chance and F’d it up. And, you’re being a woman and letting her know to watch herself and the boundaries of your relationship. If she continues to ignore you and your relationship, and doesn’t show you any respect, then you’re going to have to snatch Ms. Thang by her weave and whoop that ass. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I met this guy “Robert” at a bar on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and planned to hang out the next day because I was headed off to another place to meet up with friends. However (and probably unfortunately) I ended up seeing him after the bars closed as I was walking my friend home. His friend and him ended up walking us to her place and both of them caught a cab home to my place. We ended up drinking some more and just talking and eventually his friend left. The next morning after a night of cuddling and making out we had sex. We woke up, talked for awhile, and then eventually I drove him home. When he got out of the car he said he would call me later and kissed me goodbye (on the lips mind you). Yet all day he never called.

I know the three day rule but honestly think it is ridiculous so I text him on Sunday. We kept the conversation light and he replied to my texts (which he could have blown me off). But now it is been a couple of days and nothing. I kind of like him and would really like to see him again to get to know him better. Hopefully hang out with out having sex. Do you think it is a loss cause or should I just be more patient? I know it was probably a mistake sleeping with him so fast but do you think I can get things back on track? Should I make the second move and invite him to hang out? – Impulsively Searching For Love

“He Didn’t Want To Get Married, But We Did & He’s Still Sleeping With His Baby’s Momma”

Dear Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love,

Sigh! When will you ladies learn: Sex for a man does not equate love or instant feelings of like. It’s just sex. It’s a physical act of lust and desire, and on many occasions a need to release.

You said you kind of like him. Well, could you please tell me what do you like about him, ma’am? Yeah, just as I figured. You don’t know him. You had sex with him after a night of drinking. You both were mentally, emotionally, and physically impaired. How can you make a sound judgment under the influence of alcohol? Please explain that to me.

Girl, you had drunk sex and now you think you’ve met the one. SMDH! Silly ass rabbit, tricks are for kids. Ole trick ass.

Your signature is befitting of you: Ms. Impulsively Searching For Love. Stop searching for love by opening your legs to random dudes you meet at a bar. How about you start opening your mind and feeding and nurturing your spirit.

Girl, I’m still LMBAO because you truly believe and feel that just because he kissed you on the lips after you drove him home the next morning that it was a sign that he really liked you and wanted to get to know you better. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop baby Jesus. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

What do I do when I like someone but they are in the middle of a divorce? – Liking A Married Man

Dear Ms. Liking A Married Man,

Uhm, how about you leave them alone and wait until the divorce is over.

He is still married. I don’t care if he’s separated, and they are going through a divorce. What part of they are still married do you not understand?  Ole thirsty ass chick.

Please, slowly remove your rouge painted lips from under his nut sac and stop sipping his juices.

Let him go through his divorce before you start any type of relationship with this man. And, please note: Although he may be divorcing his wife, he is not ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So, any hopes of you being the next Mrs., please get that out of your head. You will be the jump-off, and bed buddy. You know, the in-between time chick until he finds another woman he wants to settle down with and make his wife.

So, pump your brakes. Get you some business, and preferably a man that is not tied to some other woman. Yeah, that’s a thought. How about you find a man who is single, eligible, and available. Why do you want to be with someone who already has somebody? Because as the saying goes, “How you find him, is how you will lose him.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

“My Boyfriend Infected Me With HIV & He Stole My Money For My Meds”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I met a guy on face book and I cuddled a little with him at the first date. He didn’t even ask me to become his girlfriend or anything. We met again two days later. We cuddled a lot again. After that, I called him a couple of times. He answered me, but he won’t call me himself. He pretends that he’s busy so he doesn’t have time to see me. But, I really like this guy and I don’t wanna let go of him. I wanna know if there is something I could do about it to make it work? – Liking My Facebook Friend

Dear Ms. Liking My Facebook Friend,

Girl, are you serious right now? SMDH! Chile, here we go with these Facebook romances.

Uhm, sweetie if you cuddled with him on the first date after meeting him over the computer, he’s not going to take you serious or even consider dating you. There’s a word for women like you, and I’m trying to refrain from calling you a hoe, so let’s just say that you’re easy. How about that? LOL!

If you can hop your fast ass in the bed with a man you don’t know, and from off the computer, then why are you expecting him to return your calls after you’ve shown him the goodies and you let him get a sample of your treats?

The doors of the, All Women’s Academy For Simplemindedness And Dumb Women Who Do Dumb –Ish, are open. And, darling, I’m going to need you to step to the front of the line.

You women are going to learn about meeting random men on the computer and taking your hot between the legs asses over to their houses. Your ass is going to come up missing. Ole Jeffrey Dahmer cannibal eating your brains for dinner.

Look, girl, he’s not interested in you. He’s not thinking about you. He only has sex on the brain. He just wanted to smash and use you like he’s done other random women he’s met off Facebook. It’s a game for him, and like most men. It’s called, “How many chicks can I slay on the first night and add to my little black book of easy lays so the next time I’m horny I can hit them up and smash again.” And, you my dear, have become a statistic to the game. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I need some understanding. My 17-year old son revealed to me that he is bisexual.

I have always thought that he was gay. I think I understand gay and lesbian. Please inform me on bisexuality. I asked my son if he was using prophylactics and he said, “Yes, all the time with boys and girls.” My friends are ok, except one, she thinks that I am too calm. Help me out. – Need Understanding

“I Love My Husband, But I Want His Friend & I’m Thinking Of Leaving With This Guy”

Dear Ms. Need Understanding,

I am glad to hear that you accept your son for who he is, and that you are inquiring about bi-sexuality. But, just as you stated, you’ve always thought your son was gay, so the news should not have been a surprise.

However, there are many stages to coming out, and a young person, such as your son’s age, will go through several stages, and the first is accepting who he is, then identifying his sexuality (gay or bi-sexual), and then how to tell his parents and friends. It’s difficult for many young people to go through the first stage because it’s all about learning how to accept who they are first. It can be very challenging emotionally and mentally. And, I’m certain your son is experiencing a lot of emotions right now. He is confused, and probably questioning why is this happening to him, and if he will be accepted by his friends.

Don’t push him or force him to talk if he is not ready. Allow him to come to you, but at the same time be open and have a listening ear. There are many books out there for him, and you can provide them for you son. The late author, E. Lynn Harris, wrote many novels about bi-sexuality, and covered the topic quite eloquently. There is also my memoir, Hiding In Hip Hop: On The Down Low in the Entertainment Industry From Music to Hollywood. I share a lot about my experiences and coming to terms with my sexuality.

Then there is the second stage, which your son is going through, and that is telling family and friends, and hoping they will accept them. Most times, people are already suspicious and may have questioned their sexuality and it may be of no surprise to them. But, for many others they are rejected by their family and friends, and then feel isolated and out-casted. It’s difficult for them already, and then to be rejected by the people who love you is devastating.

I think it’s very brave and courageous of him to come out and tell you that he is bi-sexual. I’m certain he was struggling with it for some time, and was hoping that you would be open and understanding. And, credit must be given to you because you listened to him, let him know that he is loved, and then you asked a very good question of if he was protecting himself. Bravo to you!

Most young men will state they are bi-sexual because they cannot admit or refuse to accept that they are gay. The definition of someone who is bi-sexual is: Sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical or romantic attraction to both males and females, especially with regard to men and women. In other words, someone does not have to be exclusively homosexual or heterosexual, but can feel varying degrees of both.

Your son may very well be bi-sexual, and have an attraction to both men and women. But, keep in mind, most people are disturbed by homosexuality, and spew hateful speech against any man who is gay. And, if your son is in an urban environment, I am certain there is a level of machismo that he feels he needs to project. So, instead of admitting he’s gay, he may be saying he’s bi-sexual to avoid being ridiculed or judged.

Think about it, when you hear the word or term “gay,” what comes to mind? Most people think of drag queens, transgender persons, and the famous cross-dresser, RuPaul. Gay, for some, means that men like to dress and act as women. They are extremely effeminate, and every other negative connotation you can think of. But, that’s not the case. All gay men do not want to be women, nor dress like women, or act like women. There are many gay men who are just as average as the heterosexual male living in your neighborhood. And, there are many gay men who enjoy watching and participating in sports, and other rigorous activities. Gay men do not act or look a certain way. So, the caricature and over-the-top theatrics you see on television about gay men are blown way out of proportion.

The problem is that there are not that many positive role models for gay men to look up to or emulate. Most celebrities who are gay, unfortunately, many of them are closeted, because like your son, they do not want to be judged, or criticized for who they are. So, they remain closeted and hide their true selves.

I say continue to be encouraging of your son and allow him to come to you to talk. Don’t be invasive, or intrusive. He will push him further away and he may not be as open to discussing things with you. He’s going to experience a lot, and it’s important that he has someone in his life who continues to show him love and support. And, your friend who thinks you’re too calm about it, tell her to mind her own freaking business. It’s your son, not hers. And, if she can’t accept who he is then get to stepping! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I am 20 years old. My husband is 29 years old. I want to start by saying I love him very much. My question to you is: He has this friend, LOL, I sound horrible already! I am very, very attracted to this friend. This friend is very attracted to me as well. He comes over a lot, most of the time when my husband is at work. We have struck up a stronger relationship than he and my husband, or even me and my husband have. We have even discussed the, “if I ever leave my husband” topic.

I love my husband. I want to be with him, but I just don’t feel as attracted to him as I do toward his friend. I have thought about everything. That’s all I ever do. I’m head over heels for this guy, LOL. I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn.

I have brought up stuff like this to my husband, like moving to a state where they allow being married to more than one person. Ha ha, and stuff like that. But, he is totally against it. I have told him I want him to go out one night and screw a random chick to try and get him use to the idea, LOL. He was very against that as well.

I have thought about saying my goodbyes and just going with this guy. I swear he is my prince charming! But that is where the twist is. I have a two year-old daughter from my previous 4 year relationship. We have been together since she was 4 months old. She calls him daddy. He has raised her. I just don’t know what to do. To be honest, the only reason I do love him is because he has stepped up and provided for us and taken my child on as his. That is a very big thing to me. But that is it. The sex is no good. We fuss all the time. He is always pissy about something, and always in a bad mood, etc.

This is so bad, LOL. I am so stuck here! Please tell me what you think I should do! This is just a little to the story. There is tons more! (Me and this guy have had sex, and it’s the best thing I have ever felt!!!) Please, please help! THANKS FOR READING DOLL!!!! – Want My Husband’s Friend

“We Met Online & I Sent Him Explicit Pics & Video Of Me, Now He’s Disappeared”

Dear Ms. Want My Husband’s Friend,

This right here!!!

I clearly and certainly understand why some folks come up missing when they play these dangerous love games with other grown folks emotions and feelings. I truly understand why folks go coo-coo crazy and ape –ish, and end up on the six o’clock news when dealing with absent-minded silly ass folks who play silly ass games. So, I certainly won’t be surprised when I hear about your basic and random ass coming up missing.

You are just wretched!

And, Ms. Thing, please stop lying and saying that you love your husband and that you want to be with him. NO YOU DON’T!!! I don’t know if you’re making that repetitive statement throughout your letter of how you love your husband as a way to convince yourself that you love him, or that you are trying to convince me and the readers out there. But, I’m not falling for the ole okey doke. You can play that game with your little ass girlfriends, and those basic ass people in your life, but I refuse to play this game with you.

By your own admission, you stated that the only reason you love your husband is because he has stepped up and provided for you and your daughter and taken your child as his own. Hmmm, the operative words for you are: Gold Digging Hoe. You found a sugar daddy to come in and clean up your slutty ass ways. You found a sucker who was willing to make you a respectable woman and a housewife, despite the fact everyone was telling him, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

Wretched.

And, those little “LOL” inscriptions in your letter every time you mention that you like the other guy is a pure example of how young and simple you are. Over the giggling and sniggling like you’re in elementary school. SMDH! I could just snatch you by that fake two-tone pony tail dangling from your nappy ass head and drag your ass up the concrete street.

What the hell is wrong with you? If you have a good man who is willing to take you and your daughter in, and he’s stepping up to be a father to your child, and he’s providing for the both of you, and if you claim to love him, then why is your hot twat sleeping with his friend? First of all, why did you marry him? Yeah, yeah, we all know he was good to you and your daughter, but what are the other reasons you married him? Because I refuse to believe that you just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he fusses all the time. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that the sex is whack. You just didn’t find out, all of a sudden, that he is always in a bad mood.

What’s so sad is that your daughter is going to grow up to be just like her mother. You already have a baby daddy. Then you married another man. And, now you’re sitting over there talking about leaving your husband to be with his friend. That is three different men your daughter has seen you be with, and she’s only two years old. But, you don’t care. You’re young, dumb, and stuck on stupid and d**k. That’s what happens when you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone other than yourself. And, you know what? Your husband’s friend that you want to be with, well, guess what sweetie, I’m certain he has a friend that you will find attractive and want to be with as well. So, then what?

Wretched.

But, then your ignorant ass is going to sit up here and say, “I swear he is my prince charming!” Bish, you ain’t no Rapunzel. You’re not Cinderella. And, you’re definitely not Snow White. You’re more like Hoe White and Bum-a-rella. LMBAO!

Your ole hood rat ass found a man to take you and your daughter in, and he is raising your child, by another man, and because you’re unhappy and miserable with the man YOU chose to marry and make your husband, now you’re willing to jack up everyone else’s life to accommodate your hoe-ish ways. Girl, please take a seat in the child seat in the corner facing the wall.

I want to know why did you wait until the end of your letter to state that you are sleeping with your husband’s friend? You could have done that at the top of the letter. You tried to ease it in. But, that’s what a trick will do. Tricks love to play games. Is he paying you and leaving money on the dresser after you have sex? Is he getting your hair and nails done? Does he take you shopping and buy you jeans and shoes? Ole classless hoe. Ugh! Your trick ass ain’t even got the game right with your basic ass. If you’re going to cheat then cheat “UP!”

Wretched.

Look, I’m not down for cheating spouses, and infidelity. I’m not down with playing with other people’s emotions and feelings. And, I’m clearly not down with you taking vows of marriage and discarding them like you do your body. Your husband’s friend is off limits. I don’t care how much you desire and want to be with him, HE IS YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIEND. If you’re having problems in your marriage, then you talk with your husband. If you’re unhappy with your husband about his ways, then you talk with him. You don’t go to an outside source, i.e., His friend, co-worker, or someone who is single, and someone who is not invested in your marriage. But, you’re young and are fulfilling your lustful desires. Everything you write about is sex. It oozes through your entire letter. If you desire sex where you need to be called a hoe, trick, and bish while a man is inside you, then how about you learn how to please your husband, and teach your husband how to please you. I’m certain he won’t have a problem accommodating your needs. And, how about you get into marriage counseling and learn how and what it means to be married. How about you get into someone’s church or spiritual group and learn what it’s like to be a lady, a woman, and a respectable one, who is married. And, I also noticed that you didn’t mention anything about school, or a career in your letter. So, how about you take all that focused energy you’re displacing on your husband’s friend and focus it on school and a career. How about you let your daughter see you doing something positive with your life, other than spreading your legs for every man that comes into your life? And, that’s all I got to say about that. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I met this guy online after I decided to get on Myspace for the first time in over a year.

He left comments on my photos a while back and I decided to email him and see how he was doing. He moved up north and he asked me to text him. I am currently in a relationship, but it is not going well at all. He was aware and still wanted to talk to me.

Pack up and move on

We texted back and forth and he sent me a picture of his “thang.” He asked me to do the same, which I reluctantly did. I have never done anything like that in my life, but he was so fine and saying all the right things. Plus he is FINE!

So the sexting continues and progresses into videos. Until last week when i stopped hearing from him. We were texting everyday. What should I do? I texted him good morning on two different days and got no response. He was texting me constantly.

Now I feel horrible because there are naked pics and videos of me and they are in the hands of someone who can’t communicate with me. I am too embarrassed to tell me friends. I am on Facebook now but I’m not sure if I should try to friend him. I am pissed and confused. Help a sista out. – Texting Disaster

“I Met A Pastor Online & I’ve Learned He’s Married & Does This All The Time”

Dear Ms. Texting Disaster,

That’s what the hell you get!! SMDH!

I swear you birds will do anything for attention. Who in the hell starts texting some random dude they met online, and then begin sexting, and then your hot ass sends naked pictures and videos and you have no idea who they are? You really are special. You really are pecking the ground with your beak. Ugh! I could strangle you!

And, who in their right mind is on Myspace???

Girl, this is clearly a wake up call for you. I hope your dumbass learned a lesson from all of this.

I truly refuse to believe that there are people in the world, like you, who lack that much common sense. Wait a minute? Yup, you do lack common sense. I can clearly see through that bald spot in your weave directly to your small ass brain.

Please tell me why the hell you’re sending your naked narrow ass pictures to some random dude because you say, “He is fine!” Do you even know if that is really him that you sent your pictures to? And, do you know if the pictures he sent of his, “thang,” were really pictures of his “thang?” I mean, you two never met in person. So, you don’t know who you were sending your pictures to, do you?

Now, you’re sitting over there with remorse and shame because your nasty ass exposed yourself to some dude who can put all your business out in the street. The same dude who is now M.I.A. (Missing In Action) after he got what he wanted from you. So, what do you want him to do? Send you back the pictures and videos and issue you an apology? LMBAO! I can’t today. Please baby Jesus make it stop.

But, hold on, didn’t you say that you were in a relationship with someone? So, why the freak are you texting, sexting, and sending naked pictures and videos of yourself to some other dude? You really are thirsty. Stop drinking the nut juice young lady. It’s not good for you. Yes, it has plenty of protein and they say it’s good for your skin, but stop digesting it.

Listen up folks! I’m going to issue this warning once, and once only. Do not respond to some random person off the internet who hits you up and asks you to start texting them. Why the hell would you give out your number to someone whom you’ve never met in person and that you don’t know? They are a stranger. And, what’s the saying you learned when you were younger and a stranger approached you, “STRANGER DANGER!”

Do not respond to some random person off the internet who hits up with naked pictures of themselves and they ask you to send some of yourself. Uhm, you do know that people can lift other people’s photos and naked pictures from off the internet and pass themselves off as their own. They can make up a whole complete profile and identity for themselves and you wouldn’t know the difference. STOP RESPONDING TO FOLKS YOU DON’T KNOW ON THE INTERNET.

Do not, and I mean DO NOT send naked pictures or videos of yourself to folks over the internet if you don’t want the pictures to be made public. Hell, don’t even take naked pictures of yourself with your camera phone and have them saved on your phone. It’s a recipe for disaster. Haven’t you all learned anything from the celebrities who get caught up in these naked pictures texting scandals? And, what do you all say when you read about them on the blogs, after you’ve looked at the pictures? “They are so damn stupid. Why they hell would they send their naked pictures to some jump-off and think they won’t expose them?” Yeah, exactly. So, why don’t you think it will happen to you? What makes you exempt from this behavior?

Also, Ms. Freak-A-Leak, do you even know if the anonymous dude is of legal age to be receiving naked pictures of you? Is he over 18? You do know that sending naked pictures to a minor is a felony and you could be charged with child pornography? Ole dumbass! I swear you’ll learn. Take notes and let this be a lesson for you. Now, get yourself in someone’s school and get you some education. Stop running after dudes on the internet because they are “FINE!” How about you run to the store and get you some common sense and street smarts so this won’t happen again? – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I have a pastor question, too. I liked your answers. So, I thought, ok, I will try.

I dated a Pastor, Bishop, Doctor, hell, he is all. I met him online, and fell hard for him. He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Boston. We met after one year of talking on the phones, internet, etc.

Well, come to find out, it was all a big joke and trick. He was either married or engaged. And after I did some research, I learned this is what he does. He gets nasty with woman online, and then goes home and be kind and sweet to his wife. They have children. He has a church, doctor’s office, etc. And, he calls himself the man that walks with God. But, he is not godly

Do I let him go on and get caught? Or, do I warn people? He calls himself a Bishop, a Doctor, Businessman. But I know better. Do I let him ruin others? Or try and stop him. – Almost The Pastor’s Mistress

“I’ve Learned He’s Been Seeing Another Woman For 3 Years & Has A Child With Her”

Dear Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Mistress,

Put his ass on blast. What are you waiting for? I would head over to Kinkos and get a blown up foam poster board with all the text and explicit email conversations printed on it. I would then head to his church and place it in the lobby of the sanctuary. I’d then sit perched in the front row. I’d wait for him to do the altar call and march right up to him, and tell him to lay his hands on me like he said he wanted to do over the phone and in the text messages.

I would also gather the other women he’s been communicating with, and all of you should march defiantly in a single file line inside the church. You all should be dressed in all black – black dresses, big black hats, long black gloves, and the big Jackie O sunglasses. Sit right next to the first lady and introduce yourselves. Say, “Hey girl! Good to see you this Sunday morning. I’m surprised that Mister was able to make it out of bed and get here on time. He was a bad boy last night.” Then slowly trace your lips with your finger.

Then, I would print all of the sexually explicit emails and texts and pictures he sent you and put them in a handout. I’d give them to each of his church members as they receive their weekly Sunday programs.

Trust me, if you don’t put him on blast he will continue to do what he’s been doing and getting away with it because no one will speak up. No one will go toe to toe with him because too many times folks put their pastors and bishops on a pedestal, i.e., Bishop Eddie Long, and when something goes down, they make the victims out to be the criminals and evil conspirators trying to harm and damage their poor pastor’s reputation. SMDH!

It’s sad because ministers, pastors, and bishops have been doing this for so long that it has become the churches inside dirty secret. And, it damages and destroys lives. The longer we keep silent and don’t say anything, the longer this will go on.  At some point someone has to make a stand and be courageous. And, it begins with women like you.

So, let his wife know what’s going, and I’m certain she already knows. Give her all the details, emails, text messages, and phone records. She may be in denial, but let her know that God doesn’t like ugly, and that she should remove the veil from her eyes. I would also call up the local media news outlets. They love stories like these, especially when it’s a man of the cloth, and he claims to be an upstanding citizen in the community. Honey, they will find out all types of dirt about him, including his dirty shenanigans in business. If he’s cheating on his wife, trust and believe, he’s cheating in his professional life as well. Now, get the hymnal book and start singing the old negro spiritual “God is trying to tell you something.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

So what’s the impetus for our unrealistic expectations and subsequent career dissatisfaction? My work in talent recruitment has taught me that yes, sheer naiveté is one minor causes—but more heavily it is the lack of guided self-reflection that has many of us considering a misaligned career. In the same way that one shouldn’t force their size eight foot into a size six, many of us are trying to force our way into jobs outside of our true interests and skill set, creating overall work displeasure and thus, burn out.

In this tough economy, it’s hard to resist applying to any and every job, but landing an ill-fitting job has inevitable negative side effects.  It is far more important for any career to narrow your job hunt based on some serious self-reflection.

Before you continue your job search think deeply about the following:

1.    Reflect on your passions: For many this alone can seem like an overwhelming task. It doesn’t have to be. Think about it this way: When do you experience the most joy? As you reflect on your current or most recent job consider the parts of your day you enjoy the most and the least. What aspects of your work do you find motivating? What are the things you do outside of work that keep you balanced?  Identifying these things will often lead us closer to understanding our passions and extrinsic and intrinsic motivations.  Finding a job that aligns with these things is a win!

2.    Take inventory of your skills: What ‘tangible’ skills have you acquired through your career?  Are you a skilled communicator? Do you have management skills? Are you a strong project manager etc? An important distinction should be made between attributes and skills, as they’re quite different. Being an expert in PowerPoint is different than noting that you’re a patient person. As you seek your next job opportunity, make sure it aligns with the skills you enjoy using.

3. Where do you want to professionally develop? This question should not only incite reflection around self-identified weaknesses, but also other areas of development that may have been untapped given the nature of your previous work experience. Are you looking for an opportunity to manage adults, or for projects to push your skills in Excel? Look for opportunities that will strengthen your skill set and further you down the path to your long-term goals.  Neglecting this focus could lead to job dissatisfaction.

Thinking through the above tips is only a start. As we consider our various career paths, we must look beyond the idea of a fulfilling job, and more towards an opportunity that allows us to walk within our purpose.  The more aware we are of our gifts and passions, the closer we are to walking towards that which is innate to our success.

Jovian Zayne is a writer, photographer and occasional radio co-host in New York City.  Read more from Jovian on her personal blog Word Up Haay!. Join her on twitter via @jovizi for laughs, encouragement and your daily dose of quick wit.

More “Women In The Workplace”

Why Having A Mentor Is Necessary For Success

Playing to Win: How To Position Yourself As The MVP Of Your Workplace

5 Ways To Resolve Work Drama Without Losing Your Cool

(Not So) Small Talk: 5 Topics You Should Avoid Talking About At Work

My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.

The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night.  He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.

I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”

I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated

“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”

Dear Ms. Discombobulated,

So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@  -  @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!

So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.

Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!

I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!

Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?

If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.

One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.

I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”

Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.

You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?

So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!

I am going to start out saying that I really don’t know what to do.

I am a single mother of two kids. My son will be 18 next month, and my daughter will be 14 on May the 1st. I have been with the same man for six years, and when we got together I was 28 and he was 43. The man came in treating my kids and I like royalty. He gave us whatever we wanted when we wanted it. Not only that, he helps me provide for my mother and my brother, who is now 39 years old, and living with my mom.

Prevent Health Hazards

Now, this man is a very good mechanic. He works on his own, and makes his own money. And, still right now he does everything that he needs to do as a man, and to keep our house afloat. I guess you are asking if I got it like this with this man, what is my complaint. Well, my complaint is that he uses drugs. Not the green stuff, but the white stuff. That’s our biggest problem. He does good sometimes, and others I just don’t know. I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.

So, I sat and prayed, and prayed and asked God to show me the way. Believe me when I say, I know God have my back. Because out of all that the man is really a good man. Sometimes I try not to judge him, because I have the habit of smoking me a joint every now and then. But, that is way different. He doesn’t judge me, so I feel sometimes why am I judging him. It’s very confusing because my friends say as long as he is taking care of home, and his business then why do I stress so much. Because I guess I stress because it’s the drug of his choice. No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug. I just need some closure, maybe a piece of mine.

My son is going to be graduating in June and off to college he goes, and we have a very open and close relationship, because before I got with this man, it was only my kids and I. He just kind of snuck up on us. But, I have to give much respect to my son because with him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything. As a matter of a fact he and my daughter love the ground he walks on. My daughter is the reason we are still here. She is a very hopeful young lady. She always say, “Momma maybe we can help daddy,” or, “If we leave him, he won’t have no body.”

I really don’t want that to be the reason I stay, and I won’t lie, I love him, I just want him to be and do better. Can you give me a little insight on what I can do to help the situation. There is one thing I do know, if God don’t change the situation, he will give you the strength to handle the situation.  – Loving A Drug Addict

“Should I Ignore The 3 Day Rule & Invite Him To Hang Out?”

Dear Ms. Loving A Drug Addict,

Well, I hate to sound morbid, but I think you should get your affairs in order, and by that I am referring to purchasing a cemetery plot, and making preparations for his passing. To knowingly remain in a relationship with a drug addict then you know what the outcome will be: Death!

And, I don’t want you falling out, wailing and throwing yourself over his casket and causing a ruckus when he does leave this earth. Folks act up and have fits when they know the person was on drugs and acting reckless with their life, but are shocked when they die. Really? Really!

It’s just like the celebrities who do drugs and we watch from the sideline. We see what it does to their life, and to those who love them. It’s unfortunate that we watch celebrities come to their own demise and watch aimlessly as they use drugs recklessly, and then when they pass everyone says, “Well, we could have done more.” Or, “I hope everyone learns from this lesson of the impact of drugs and what they can do to you.” Yet, no one listens. No one thinks it will happen to them.

However, we all have an uncle Tony, or aunt Frankie, and cousin Harold in our family that is on drugs. No one steps in to help them. We turn a blinds eye. Big Momma is the enabler, along with their spouses and mates. Giving them money so they won’t have to steal. Feeding them and staying up late at night pacing the floor waiting for them to return home. And, no one wants them over to their homes for the family events and functions because something will come up missing. All the women are clutching their purses. Then, when the party gets going, they tell everyone they are running to the store and will be right back, but either they don’t return until hours later or not at all.

In your own admission, you stated, “I can’t say the drugs are not in the way of things, because even though we are living good and have all the things that I want, I know we can have a whole lot more only if he didn’t have his habit.” (*  -  *) Blank stare at you. Dummy! Yes, you dummy. You claim you are living good, (Who the hell is living good with a drug abuser in the home?) but then you say that you can have a whole lot more if he didn’t have his habit. Ugh! I swear you folks don’t think or use half the brain and common sense God has given you. I tell you stupid is as stupid does.

I am appalled at the behavior you are teaching your children. It’s beyond sad. You have taught them that drugs are ok and all you got to do is love the druggie despite the harm they are causing themselves and their family members. What’s even sadder is that your daughter said to you, “If we leave him, he won’t have nobody.” SMDH! Your daughter is going to grow up and repeat the same behavior as you. She is going to choose a man just like mommy has. And, unfortunately she will be “hopeful” that the man will change his ways one day.

And, your son. Sigh! Is that what you really want to show him how a man should be? Is that really a good representation of a good man? A man who, as you say, “With him seeing the things that I go through, and the things that he does, my son has never gotten out of line, never disrespected him, or anything.” WOW! As I’ve said over and over again, you teach people how to treat you. And, your son is getting a good education on how a man treats a woman. (I’m being sarcastic, darling)

Don’t you know that children learn by our actions? They see what we do and repeat it. You are an enabler and you’re both co-dependent on each other. And, on the real, you’re both drug users. Yeah, sweetie, that’s why you say you can’t judge him because your little pot smoking every now and then is just as bad as his coke use. You even said in your own words, “No drug is greater than the other, a drug is a drug.” So, how can one abuser call out another when they are doing the same thing? Do you people read what you write? You can answer your own damn letters if you pay attention. Chile, I swear the slow gene is taking over the world. I refuse to allow it to fester and grow near or around me. Get back! In the name of Jesus! I command you to get back!

And, let me ask you this, why are you enabling him? Where did you lean that behavior from? What benefit are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Do you feel obligated to him? And, I want to punch each one of your friends in their mouths. Are they in relationships with drug users or abusers? Because that will explain that asinine bull-ish they are telling you. Yeah, they are telling you to stay with him, but they are talking about you behind your back.

I’m curious to know when you met what were you going through. Were you broken? Were you down and out? Were you emotionally and mentally drained? Were you financially strapped?

You keep saying he’s a good man. So, are you trying to convince yourself about his behavior? Are you trying to outweigh his drug use with the good things he does? Please explain. Because I really don’t hope that you think his behavior is that of a good man. Because I’m certain a good man would not purposely hurt those he love, and he certainly wouldn’t be on drugs. A good man would not outwardly teach young people that using drugs is okay, either. But, that is my definition.

Oh, and for the record, if he was 43 years old when you met him six years ago, then by math and reasoning, he’s 49 going on 50, and he’s doing drugs. Uhm, sweetie, I really am going to need for you to get a grip.

And, God helps those who help themselves. If he is not willing to change or seek treatment for his addiction, then there is nothing you can do. An addict has to first admit they are an addict. Then, they have to choose to get help. But, until then, there is nothing you can do. You can offer or make suggestions to him, if he refutes them, then you have to choose to stay and deal with it, which you’re already doing, or walk away and let him deal with his own demons. Oh, yeah, how about you get some help as well. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click  HERE!

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click  HERE!

You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click  HERE!