There are certain activities I think are best done with a close friend. For instance, shopping for the perfect date night dress, crying over an ex-boyfriend as your bestie doesn’t comment on the fact that you have now consumed five dirty martinis, or catching up on your gossip over a quick lunch. However, I also believe that there are other activities that should not be done with a friend, and on the top of that list is: threesomes. Personally, if I was a dude I wouldn’t want to do a threesome because I would feel way too pressured, and we all know what happens when guys feel pressure – their… uhh… “sail deflates.” Regardless, not too long ago I was asked to make a cameo appearance in one of my best friend’s bedroom shows. Slightly shocked and admittedly highly intrigued by this offer, I thought I would lay out all of the possible situations that would involve doing a threesome with my best friend.
Firstly, I had to legitimately consider if I could make a one-night-only appearance, as a diet-lesbian. After realizing that, given enough tequila, I could play in the minors but could never go pro in the ALL( American Lesbian League), I had to decide if that one night I played in the minors would be playing with a friend or a stranger. After intense consideration, I would like to say that if a threesome is something you are contemplating, be the guest star! If you are one of the involved parties, the only two times I can think doing a threesome wouldn’t be detrimental to your relationship would be if you are really young and don’t really see the relationship going the distance (I hope everyone who is reading this is catching all of my sexual puns), or if you are really old and are so comfortable with each other you can drop a deuce sans shame. If you are anywhere in the middle, it’s called natural and innate jealousy. Everyone has it, and no matter what anyone says about how comfortable they are in their relationship, seeing your guy go down on another girl is just plain asking for trouble. But being the guest star is the key, because it allows you to explore the curiosities you have about your sexuality yet not leave yourself open for emotional pain.
Now, the question really comes down to if you do it with a stranger or with a friend. My immediate response was that I would absolutely want to do it with a friend. I mean, I would be more comfortable and I would know she would be disease-free… always a positive. But then I really started considering this offer that was made to me, and I completely changed my mind. I would much rather do a threesome with a stranger because of one screaming reason: Awkwardness. I am, on a normal day probably about 4 times as socially awkward as any other homo-sapien. However, if you add in the pseudo-lesbian activities you had with the person you share jeans and a bathroom with, that awkwardness becomes infinite. There is no possible way, no matter how much Cuervo I ingest, that I would feel liberated and free enough to be as freaky as it requires to get into bed, or on a kitchen table (depending on your creativity), as it requires to do a threesome.
Personally, I think sex is complicated enough without adding in an additional four appendages and one Hoo-ha. But if a threesome is something you are considering, consider how weird your next breakfast conversation would go; I’m envisioning some comment about nice boobs, sweet technique and some discussion of the boy’s oddly shaped penis – either cocking to the right or left…
What about you?????
If you can’t sleep with your best friend, what about your neighbor?
