You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com
Awww, it’s Friday! And, I am ready for the weekend. It’s going to be filled with lots of travel, fun, and beaches!
But, before I get out of here you know I have to do my gay friendly duty. It’s, “Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend” Advice Day.
This week’s letter is from a young married woman who feels as if she can’t handle her husband’s infidelity, or his lies, and she is considering a divorce. Hmmm, how many of you have dealt with that in your relationships?
Check out this week’s letter:
Hi, how you doing, Gay Best Friend?
I’m just going to get straight to the point. I’m 23-years old, and married with two kids, and I’m not happy with my husband, “Steve.” I’m trying my best to be but ever since he got caught in so many lies and cheating I can’t pretend anymore. I want to work it out for the kids (my oldest is not his but Steve has been around her since she was 3 months old and she’s going on 2 yrs old), but I’m just not happy with Steve. I can’t trust him. I love him but not the same way I used to. I feel like he has broken me. Steve hurt me so bad and I trusted him not to. I feel so stupid. So, basically what I am asking is should I continue to try or just go file for a divorce? I’m so Lost and Confused.
“I Slept With Him, Now He Is Ignoring Me!”
Dear Lost and Confused,
I am going to give you this scripture and let you marinate on it for a minute – I Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Did you get that? Did you really, really understand it?
Now ask yourself if that is the love you have? Is this the love you experience in your marriage with your husband? I can give you scripture after scripture about how the man is the head of the home and the wife is to follow his lead, but if the head is lost, then guess what, a wife will be following a fool. She will be led around by a man who is lost and confused and that is exactly what you are – Lost and Confused.
Let me tell you something, Ms. Honey, that my grandfather told me. He said, “If someone lies, they will cheat. If they cheat, they will steal. And if they lie, cheat, and steal, they will do it to you.” Your husband is a liar, a cheater, and a thief. You’ve already said that you have caught him lying and cheating. And, he is robbing you of a marriage, and being a husband. He is robbing his children of a father and someone they will admire and want to grow up and be like, or respect.
My advice is that you two immediately get into marriage counseling, and some spiritual counseling with your pastor. If you don’t have a church home, then find a church and seek out a pastor, minister, or reverend to assist you. Y’all need some prayer and some laying of hands. You better let Big Momma and them gather the saints and sprinkle holy water and sang some hymns.
I totally understand that you desperately want to work things out with Steve. You say you love him and want to stick it out for the sake of the children. But, really, is staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of the children really worth it? Any married couple that has gone through a divorce, or any couple who has gone through challenging and hard times will you tell, “Do not stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids.”
As a child I watched my grandmother get berated and humiliated by my grandfather. He cursed her out like she was nothing. He drank, got belligerent and would tell her how she was nothing, her kids were nothing, and called my grandmother all kinds of names. My grandmother never argued with him. I never understood why. I couldn’t understand why she would stay in the relationship with a man who treated her the way he did. But, like you, she stayed for her kids. When her kids got older and moved out of the house she remained. As I got older I understood it as complacency. She was used to it. She endured it for so many years that it became everyday life for her. I made a vow to myself that I would never let anyone do me the way my grandfather did my grandmother. Although my grandmother found her own happiness in doing things for herself in the relationship, like her gardening, doing laundry, cooking, and going to the horse track, but I knew that the situation is not what I would ever want to have.
Look, here, Ms. Lost and Confused, you have to decide what is your breaking point. What is enough is enough for you? Is this it for you? Have you explored all your options and resources before you get divorced?
Chile, I’ll tell you, relationships are difficult, and especially marriage. There will be some trying times, and some days you don’t want to be married. But, remember your wedding vows you both said, “To be good to you in good times and in bad…For better, for worse.” Girl, this is your bad and your worse. And, you are ready to bail and you haven’t even explored all your options and resources. You haven’t tried marriage counseling, or spiritual counseling with your pastor. Try that first. Remember this, honey, even if you do go to marriage counseling and spiritual counseling your husband is not going to change overnight. It may take weeks, months, or years. Are you committed to allowing him to grow and mature into a devoted and loving husband, or have you had enough?
You also didn’t say how long you’ve been married, but I gather it is a rather short amount of time considering you’re only 23-years old. If you feel you can’t do it any longer and you can’t take it anymore, then before you leave I suggest you create a get-away plan. You’ve got to make sure you’ve got enough money stashed away to last six months. Find an apartment for you and kids because you are going to need a place to live. Also, get mental and moral support systems in place like your mother, church, or someone you can trust. Get those things in order before you leave. One thing you don’t want to do is walk out of a bad situation and go into an even worse situation with no money, no place to live, and no support systems.
So, girl, you’ve got options now. And, it’s time for you to decide. No more being lost and confused – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend
