You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
When I was 20-years old, I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship that was quickly spiraling into a physically abusive one. I was pregnant with his child, diagnosed with leukemia, moving back into my mom’s house, all while trying to finish college and maintain my 3.6 GPA.
While at school, I met this guy I’ll call “Devin.” Devin wasn’t my normal type. He and I became very close friends, and he was a major support system for me during this time in my life. I knew he had a crush on me, and when he finally asked me out I told him that he wasn’t my type. Truth be told, between the drama of my daughter’s father, college, and chemo I just wasn’t in the mindset to date anyone. However, we maintained our friendship for awhile, but eventually lost contact.
Fast forward 9 years. My leukemia is in remission, no contact with the abusive ex, and I’m working on my doctorate. While checking an email account from my undergrad days, Devin happened to be on and we reconnected. We now live on different coasts. He was married with a child. We quickly fell back into our best friend mode. He told me that during that time in college he was deeply in love with me, wanted to sign my daughter’s birth certificate and get married. I was shocked to say the least. I never knew it was that serious. He told me that he was miserable in his marriage, and his wife routinely cheated on him. He said but for the fact that they had a son together he would leave, and if he thought he could get with me he would move to my coast. I told him he was full of –ish, and if he was that unhappy he would have divorced her by now.
He stopped talking to me for 6 months. When he finally started talking to me again, it was to tell me that he filed for divorce and moved out. He said that he and his wife both agreed it was the best. He gave her everything but his car and his clothes. It’s been 2 years since, and we again fell back into best friend mode.
I have been contemplating moving to his part of the world as jobs there in my field start in the six figures and the cost of living is much cheaper. He has made it known that he still has feelings, and I have to admit I am catching feelings also. However, recently after a chance conversation with a colleague, an opportunity has opened up for me to start my own company here. I’ve been asked to present my business plan to a group of investors who are excited about investing in me after hearing the initial pitch.
Granted, I can be extremely comfortable where he is and have a wonderful career, but I can stay and open my own company and be extremely comfortable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him, nor do I want to pass on a chance to be with him. At the same time, I don’t want to end up hating him because I passed up on an opportunity to accomplish a dream that I have been working towards for ten years and dreaming about during my dark days in the hospital fighting leukemia.
So my questions are:
1) Do I even take him seriously?
2) How do I decide which career option to take? – Catch 22
“I Met A Bishop Online, But He Can’t Afford To Visit Me. Should I Pay?”
Dear Ms. Catch 22,
You know that song, Next Lifetime, by Erykah Badu? Uhm, sweetie, that is your situation. That is exactly what you are experiencing. Early in your life you meet this great guy, but because of life’s challenges, and obstacles the timing is off. Despite the fact he may be a great guy. Despite the fact that now you’re older and wiser. But, yet again, life’s challenges and that “timing” thing is preventing you two from connecting.
But, check it out, Ms. Got-It-Going-On-And-Beat-The-Odds, I am very happy you’ve overcome all of the challenges you’ve experienced. You are an inspiration to many, but look at the destruction you left along your path. Yes, darling, I am certain you did a lot of people wrong and dirty because when people are hurting and hurt, they do what? They hurt others. You were in a dark place in your life, and when you are in dark place it’s hard to recognize the light because your focus is the darkness. So, when Devin approached you and expressed his interested, you told him that you were not interested in being in a relationship with him. You placed Devin, who had a genuine desire and interest to be there with you and for you, and put him in the “friend” category. You didn’t give him a chance. Why? Because he wasn’t your type. Okay, let me get this straight. Your type is like your abusive ex, who you slept with and created a child with, yet he is no longer in your life, and unless you have some drama going on then you don’t want a nice guy. You want a do-me-bad-and-keep-me-down type of guy.
MISS ME! All that education and you are oblivious of the internal introspection you need. SMDH!
I am a firm believer that God, and life, gives us second chances. You got a second chance and you’re doing the damn thing. Does Devin deserve a second chance? He sure does. But not with you. No ma’am. I wish he was the one who was writing me this letter because I would tell him to run, run, run! You are going to do nothing but hurt him again, because your focus is in on you and your career. And, rightfully so. You deserve the best. You deserve to look out for you. But, if you get involved with him, and he expresses his undying love and affection for you, chile, you are going be like, “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine and dandy, but, uhm, why do you love me so much? What is it about me that attracted you to me? Why do you want to be in a relationship with me?” Uhm, boo boo, leave that man alone because in the long run you are going to hurt him, again.
I am curious, however Ms. Thang, if Devin wasn’t your type before, then what has changed that he is “all of a sudden” your type? Please fill me in because I know it can’t be looks. He hasn’t changed that drastically, unless he was obese and lost weight, and now he has body-karate-hatachi! And, I know folks change over time, so is he mentally and emotionally different? If he is different, the fact still remains that you are still the same.
Yes, you are the same woman. Just as focused as you were on your life, goals, school, and daughter when you met Devin, you are still the same focused, driven, goal-oriented, family woman you were then. It’s called tunnel vision. You ain’t thinking about Devin. Please spare me this sad song talking about, ‘He’s back in my life,’ chile, puhlease, it’s more like Michael Jackson sang, ‘She’s out of my life.’
Did you read your letter before you sent it? Did you notice the pattern in your letter from college to now? Hold up, The View is on, I want to see what Whoopi and the girls are talking about. That gives you an hour to contemplate those questions and get back to me.
Look, Ms. Catch 22, focus on the opportunity that has presented itself to you. If you have the chance to present to some investors and start your own business, then go for it. You don’t ever want to live your life wondering what could of, should of, would of happened. I believe if you move to the state where Devin lives and start a relationship, you will always wonder in the back of your mind if you would have stayed and started your business what would have happened. It will eat at your soul. It will take over your life, and then you will start to resent Devin. You will begin to hate him, and unconsciously, you will sabotage the relationship. Follow your dream. That’s what you said in your letter. Starting your own business was your dream during your dark days in the hospital battling leukemia. Honey, don’t ever put your dreams on hold for anyone. Chile, you know how many unhappy people are in the world because they put their dreams on hold for someone else? I wish I might. Now, if Devin wants to move to where you are, then so be it, but again, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Your focus is on you! Please stop acting like you give a damn about him and want to be with him. It’s like that saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” And, shame on Devin for ever thinking you two will be together after all you’ve put him through. Next! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
How many of you dated someone you previously wasn’t interested in, and years later, they resurfaced and you decided to date them? Did it work out?
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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
