If you’ve been following “Fatherhood Fridays” at all you know that the day is fast approaching where my wife and I will be welcoming our second child into the world. It has been a very long road and, as she told me this morning, “I’m done.” She’s tired. Tired of everyone asking when the baby is coming and tired – literally. And bored. She is a Sales Director and is used to moving and shaking, wheeling and dealing, and the last month at home getting kicked in the ribs from the inside has driven her crazy. The office finally cut off her Blackberry last week, and it’s as if they severed a limb. All I could do to console her was leave for work because my mere presence was a reminder of everything she can’t do for herself right now. But if I’m not there, she can’t do very much. Can you say “No-Win Situation,” boys and girls?
But to be honest I can’t say I’d be much better under the circumstances. I recently had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled and just recovering from that for a week took its toll on me. So it got me thinking on the train ride in: what if guys were the ones who got pregnant?
10) Forget a birth control pill. AXE would have a spray, a lip balm and patch for that situation and become the sole sponsor of the Winter X Games.
9) Maury Povich would be the top-rated show where every week the country would tune in to find out which of five women knocked HIM up. “Barbara, you are NOT the mother!”
8) Babys R Us would have an NFL section where you could dress up your newborn like a football. We’d terrorize the mothers tossing the kid back and forth during halftime with our boys. “Go long!”
7) Headlines like “LeBron James Out 3 to 4 Weeks For C-Section” would be more common than a torn ACL.
6) Ford F-150s would come with leather baby seats built in. Standard. Jeep actually makes a stroller but now they’d come with 22″ rims and Magna Flow exhaust pipes.
5) Paternity Wards (wow, doesn’t that sound crazy?) would have Xbox 360′s in every room
4) Diaper Genies would be fully automated and modified with those towel launchers they use at NBA games.
3) Nike’s Air Force One would come in a mule.
2) Instead of… other things… guys would stand around bragging about whose baby was bigger.
1) President Obama would be knocked up RIGHT NOW. You saw how Michelle looked at him during the Inauguration. Tell me I’m lying.
Ladies, I know you can add a hundred things to this list so, by all means, have at it in the comments section!
