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As she prepares to say goodbye to ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ and the millions of fans she has amassed around the world, Oprah has opened up in the new issue of O: The Oprah Magazine, revealing for the first time intimately private diaries which she has been keeping since she was 15.

While Oprah has been no stranger to revealing personal details on her show, these secret diaries are perhaps the most intimate view into her life that she has ever allowed the public.

A lot of the entries appear to focus on relationship struggles, and it appears that Oprah has had a lot of them. She refers to her twenties as “my 3-D years, when I was delusional, in denial and damaged.” Of one particular relationship from 1981, she writes, “I want to die… I wish for something to put an end to this madness.”

Thankfully though she never acted on her pain, and writes in O, “It’s a wonder that I’ve managed to be a successful human being considering how pathetic I appeared in many of my daily musings… It’s a testament to growth and grace that I’ve come this far… I used my journals as therapy. Oh, the time I wasted worrying about men and weight!”

Read more in the April issue of O.

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