The students at Bringham Young University–a predominantly white college in Utah were quizzed by Ackerman to show just how little Black History Month means to them. Here’s 8 of the most disturbingly ignorant moments from the video. Watch at your own discretion.

1. First thing’s first. There was absolutely no reason for the comedian to go to the campus in black face. I’m pretty certain he could get his point across in his own skin.

2. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. seems to be the only black historical figure that these students know. And even then, they have no clue what Dr. King’s significance is.

3. A few of the clueless students labeled Samuel L. Jackson, 50 Cent, TuPac and Will Smith as historical black figures.

4. The one black student the comedian asked about how he celebrates Black History Month and he had no clue.

5. One of the white student said that he celebrates Black History Month with fried chicken and grape juice.

6. Amazingly enough, one of the students even used the term “colored people.”

7. The comedian asked several girls would they rather date a white guy that acts black or a black guy that acts white and they prefer a black guy that acts white because that’s “classy.”

8. The last 30 seconds of the video shows the BYU students acting how they think black people act and well…you can only imagine the head rolls, finger snaps and broken English they’re throwing out.

What do you think–funny or offensive?

Follow me on Twitter @Rhapsodani!

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Directed by Kanye, one can only assume there will be a high level of intelligent creativity.

And there is–panthers, shots of Parisian architecture, gorgeous screaming fans and a Will Ferrell cameo–all give us a small glimpse into the beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy that is Kanye’s mind.

“N*ggas In Paris” may be one of the most infectious songs from Watch The Throne–at least for me it is. Once that beat drops, I can’t help but bounce my shoulders and pretend my bank account rivals both Jay-Z and Kanye’s. So with the release of this video, the dynamic duo reminds us why we’re watching the throne in the first place.

Here’s three reasons why that sh*t is indeed cray.

1. If the first five seconds don’t give you a seizure, watching “N*ggas In Paris” in its entirety, will. Watch with extreme caution and hold your tongue, literally.

2. So, we’re still not going to say anything about Kanye and this leather skirt? Oh. ok.

3. In case you missed any of the Watch The Throne tour stops, ‘Ye and Jay give us a mini experience of the spectacle that was Watch The Throne. From a kaleidoscoped stage and modelesque crowd to the flashing lights–it’s not quite what the show was, but Kanye does manage to fully portray excitement.

Watch the video here:

Can’t get enough of the Throne? Jay-Z told MTV, “We – I say ‘we’ because I’m in Throne mode–we’re in a great place creatively. You might see a Jay, then Kanye and a Throne album next year. We’ve really found our zone.”

Follow me on Twitter @Rhapsodani!

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The other morning my friend woke up and decided she was too hungover to go to work. I told her that she better think of a good excuse, call her boss, and follow up with an apologetic email. Within 2 minutes, she said her problem was solved and I didn’t hear her say one word. As it turns out, she text messaged her boss saying that she wouldn’t be in that day. That’s when I knew that text messaging cop outs are getting out of hand.

I’ve never been a huge texter. While it’s definitely convenient to confirm plans at the click of a few buttons, I prefer phone and email conversations over constant texting (it might also be because I am awful at using my new touch screen phone). I did a little investigating and found out what people around the office consider to be the most annoying text message cop outs.

1. Breaking up with someone: Seriously? Grow a pair and call it quits with someone in person. It’s not like you’ll ever have to see them again if you don’t want to.

2. Asking someone out: I’ll be honest. My first “boyfriend” was in 4th grade and he asked me to be his girlfriend by passing me a note in homeroom. While I was flattered back then, it’s a huge cop-out to make the big move through text message past elementary school.

3. Canceling plans: First of all, try not to cancel 5 minutes prior to your plans. If you have to resort to a “Sorry, I can’t make it” text, it’s probably last minute and the person is already waiting for you. Give him/her a call and reschedule.

4. Confronting with a problem: If you’re upset with that guy for that thing he did, he doesn’t want to hear about it in a 4 page text message. It really doesn’t affect him to read that you’re mad at him in a message where half of your feelings are written in short-hand. Make a plan to get coffee and have a civilized, face-to-face conversation about it. If confrontation really isn’t your style, write an email. There’s no 160 character limit and you can get out exactly what you need to without using abbreviations that really don’t make any sense.

Do you have any more text message cop out stories?

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Morning After: Follow Through Or Flee?

I’ve cheated – not because it was the cool thing to do, but mainly for three reasons: it was new, it gave me something my boyfriend couldn’t, and simply because I could. That sounds awful, but it’s the truth. I think it is unrealistic to think it’s possible to have all your wants and needs fulfilled by one person. I had one person who was mentally stimulating, and one who was very physically stimulating, so, seemingly, I had the best of both worlds. Mind you, this is coming from a very odd and embittered girl, but still, there it is.

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Get back on the right path with these ten quick fix confidence boosters:

1.       Pretend it’s the start of a new year and make another more condensed resolutions/to-do list. Include 3 major goals you want to accomplish by the end of the year

2.       If you still have your old list cross off the things you’ve done. Sometimes we create lists and forget to acknowledge our accomplishments

3.       Update your wardrobe and no, this does not have to be a splurge or die situation. Buy something small like a new accessory or basic wardrobe item like a T-shirt

4.       Arrange to have brunch with a few of your most supportive friends. Involve your friends or mate in your goal setting. They will help keep you on track, often times we tend to alienate ourselves from our friends and loved ones when the going gets tough, but this is when their support is most needed.

5.       Light up a scented candles or burn incense. This is the perfect way to unwind after a hectic day.

6.       Post positive quotes and affirmations in visible areas of at your home or workspace

7.       Try cooking a new dish or get creative and give a traditional recipe your own personal twist

8.       Download music from a new artist

9.       Try a new pole dancing, cooking, or hot yoga class. Be sure to ask if the studio offers teaser classes and check your local teambuy or groupon sites for daily deals.

10.   Throw out old clothes or clutter from your room, and or living space.

And remember your circumstances are only temporary. A positive environment reinforced by nurturing supports and people in your life, the only way you will go is up, but it’s up to you to create the type of lifestyle you desire.

Additional ways to instantly boost your confidence:

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Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Follow her on twitter @goddess_I

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ZOE KRAVITZ

Most children with famous parents are very grateful that they’ve got an easy, immediate “in” to the industry, especially if they themselves want to be stars. But, at a certain point, you want to break away and create a name all your own.

Zoe Kravitz is on her way to doing just that. And she was able to do so without it being solely based on her looks because, let’s face it, she’s gorgeous. And that’s no shocker; after all, her parents are the equally beautiful Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz. But this girl’s actually got talent. Multiple ones. Call her a triple-threat (of some sort).

At just 21, the actress has completed and released five films, acting alongside acclaimed stars Terrence Howard and Catherine Zeta Jones.

She’s also the lead singer to Philadelphia-based band Elevator Fight. They’re slowly gaining recognition; a high point being playing the mainstage at Philadelphia’s Roots Picnic in June 2009, along with The Roots, themselves. Watch them perform their song, “Paloma”:

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And, take our word for it, she’s a trendsetting fashionista. We wouldn’t be surprised if she started her own clothing line down the road, collaborated with a major fashion house, or became the next big designer’s muse.

Keep an eye out! (She’ll be appearing in four different films in 2010 alone - one of which features another “Woman To Watch For,” Gabourey Sidibe.)

She even won Jay-Z over. Here, she stars in his music video for “I Know”

People deal with breakups differently: you can hold tears back all day and splurge on a carton of ice cream at night or use that energy to go out and find another.  Does it make you a bad person if you skip the sadness stage and go right onto taking on rebounds?

I have heard both sides of this situation, and both sound pretty compelling.  On the one hand, it’s important to take some alone time and let yourself cry it out before letting your emotions go wild again.  On the other hand, you shouldn’t turn down possibly good opportunities because of something in the past.  It really comes down to whether or not breaking up is a drawn out process or if it’s just something that happens and should be dealt with quickly.

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I’ve asked for opinions from both types of people, and these were their responses:

From the musical chairs lover- finding a new love as soon as the song stops:

“I don’t like being single.  Even if I’m not actively dating someone or seeing them everyday I need someone to say good morning or goodnight to or else I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong: I get really sad after break ups.  In fact, I put my all into relationships because I appreciate the connection so much.  But rather than force myself to go through complete misery after, I keep the sadness to a minimum and keep myself busy.  Interestingly, keeping myself busy generally means meeting lots of new people.  I by no means rebound crazy hard after break ups, but I find that meeting new people is what keeps me from feeling the most depressed.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to get out there again: life’s about living.”

From the memory keeper- find life after love in yourself:

“After a break up I prepare myself to go into hibernation. Everything makes me sad and I’m not afraid to hide it.  I would rather get completely over one relationship than risk ruining another because of carried over feelings.  I always try to get myself to hang with my girls more but I find that I’m the most comfortable when I’m on my own just dealing with the problem rather than hiding from it.  I’ve heard that it usually takes about half of the time you were together to get over the person.  I’ve had it take less or more time depending on the relationship. I really think it’s all relative to the person but whoever says they are ready to start dating other people immediately is definitely lying and ruining future relationships.”

What do you think? Is there a middle ground? How do you get over break ups?

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My question is though; why do we like guys who don’t like us? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to like someone who actually liked you back?

Probably. And that’s where all our problems start. It’s just to easy.

We all know the girls who keep going back to the guy who won’t commit to her, or keeps cheating on her, because it’s a challenge, or they ‘know that he does really care about me, he’s just shy with his feelings’. Sure, that’s why he broke up with you for a weekend in Vegas, and that’s why he’s creeping with half the neighborhood.

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And we have all been the friends who have tried to make her see sense. Well sadly, basically according to this survey, there is no hope for us. No matter how many times we can tell our friends to drop the deadbeat, or make well-reasoned arguments as to why her logic is totally flawed, she is genetically wired to ignore us.

But I can’t help thinking that perhaps these results may be just a little misleading. Surely not everyone out there is willing to settle for a guy, or a girl for that matter, who treats them like just a jump off, and flatly just isn’t committed to them. Surely?

Maybe this research was engineered by a couple of women, who wanted an explanation to why they or their friends put up with a boyfriend who was acting shady, or why they are still single.

Or maybe, it is easier to accept that we are destined to pick the men who are wrong for us, than it is to accept that he just really isn’t that into you.

I know that whenever you go out with someone who you think is perfect and you tell everyone about your amazing time, and it doesn’t quite go to plan, then we all (don’t even try and play the ‘hell no, I don’t waste time on no man’ card), try to reason our way out of it. His cell died, he was really busy with work, he was moving hose this weekend, he was hit by a car and lost his memory and/or use of his hands to call me. Any explanation it seems, except he just didn’t like me.

But at least know we have some explanation for why we do it.

What do you think?

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This guy who I only knew as an acquaintance wanted to “figure me out” and wanted to know my view on life, so I proceeded to tell him that it was to “go with the flow.” My life philosophy is that “whatever happens, happens” and that if something I’m looking forward to doesn’t happen, I’m optimistic enough to believe that something I don’t expect will happen and be just as good. This guy couldn’t seem to understand how I am so optimistic about life, which got me thinking about optimism and why some people just don’t have brains wired that way.

“I’m a realist” is the phrase I hear a lot of people say when giving reasons to reject optimism, but that makes optimism out to not being “real.” However, being optimistic can pay off when you’re in a bad mood and are trying to think the best of the situation. I always internally think “everything’s going to be alright in the end,” which has helped me out of some bad funks and basically made me out to be a slightly idealistic person. So, the question is, is it bad to be “hands off” – within reason – with your life?

I do realize that you can’t be completely “hands off” with your life, though, because there are some things that you just should do or they won’t happen. Those types of things would be anything having to do with earning a living or completing a degree – stuff that is pertinent for success. Although money isn’t everything, it is something you inevitably need in life for food, clothes, and general necessities. Earning money for both yourself and/or family is something that will always be there, therefore, being completely hands off doesn’t work in those situations.

However, in matters of friendship or social events, sometimes it’s best not to think so much and to just let life happen. I know when I have high expectations for an event, a lot of times it doesn’t turn out how I expected and those expectations are what brought me down. For example, I know at times I’ve anticipated days in advance a lunch with a friend, but at the last minute that friend has canceled, leaving me with a lost day. However, the day’s not lost at 11am – there’s always hope for other things going right that day, therefore, calling up another friend and making plans is not out of the question.

“Going with the flow” doesn’t have to be so bad if you can just go with what life throws at you. Honestly, I think it makes you stronger if you can deal with difficulties with style and grace. So, girls, go out there and don’t waste your time bemoaning those “lost days” – get out there and make your own rules!

Some tips about “going with the flow”:

1. Don’t let yourself get mad when things don’t go as planned. It might not be exactly how you planned, but you are the master of your emotions. Think about what just happened and then act accordingly.

2. Always be prepared with alternate ideas for plans. Having flexible ideas in your mind, instead of just a set schedule, can take the stress off of you when things go wrong.

3. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Seriously, some things aren’t worth worrying about. Canceled lunch plans or missing the train can be blips in your day, but there’s always a way to smooth things out. Maybe you had an important meeting – call in and explain the situation. For canceled lunch plans, you can always go to lunch by yourself and read the book you’ve been dying to catch up on, or call another friend. There’s always another way to view a situation and by seeing the glass as half-full instead of half-empty, life seems much easier in the long run. Renew your optimism and channel your strong, independent self!

For a different view on your perspective of the world, check out: Time And What It Means To Your Life

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1. Use Soaps With Parabens
We first want to point out that “cleaning” down there doesn’t need to be a huge process. Using harsh soaps and cleansers can disrupt your vagina’s pH level (which is naturally acidic) and cause irritation and discomfort. The vagina is a self-cleaning part of the body that does a great job at keeping things regulated.

That being said, sometimes you do want to freshen up down there. If you feel the need, just make sure the product you use is mild and paraben-free, like these Afterglow Freshening Wipes. Why paraben-free? Here’s the low-down:

Parabens are a type of preservative used in cosmetics to prevent bacterial growth. Now parabens have been around for a long time with no recorded health risk but some people think that they are not safe because they have been classified as xenoestrogens, meaning they mimic the reproductive hormone estrogen. Why could this be dangerous? Fooling around with your body’s hormonal levels has been linked to breast, ovarian, cervical and uterine cancer.

2. Douche
Again, we recommend staying away from harsh products down there. Douching is just about as harsh as you can get. When you douche, you are disrupting the body’s natural balance of bacteria, good and bad. The result can be a case of bacterial vaginosis or other irritating conditions.

Douching is also bad if you’re trying to conceive. Some studies have shown a link between douching and infertility and/or an ectopic pregnancy.

Lastly, douching can be down right dangerous. If you do have an infection that is resulting in a foul odor or discharge, when you douche you’re just pushing that bacteria up towards the fallopian tubes and ovaries, which can cause pelvic inflammatory disease. Do yourself a favor and go see a doctor if your exhibit such symptoms.

3. Use Lubricants That Contain Glycerin
Lube is a wonderful thing. Lubricants that contain glycerin are not a wonderful thing. Glycerin is a sugary substance found in a lot of drugstore lubricants. Because glycerin is a sugar it can promote yeast growth when used internally. In addition to causing yeast infections, glycerin can just be down right irritating. Sliquid is a great brand of lubes that don’t contain glycerin and parabens.

4. Use Spermicide
Spermicide, which contains the chemical nonoxynol-9, is great at killing sperm but might also kill your vaginal tissues and put your health at risk in the process. Nonoxynol-9 can damage vaginal tissues and cause vaginal lesions, ouch! Another problem is that when these tissues are damaged, it increases the risk of contracting HIV and other STDs. If you want to use birth control without hormones, talk to your doctor about a non-hormonal IUD or other similar methods.

Check out Planned Parenthood for more info on the pro’s and con’s of using spermicide.

5. Use Sex Toys Made Of Jelly Rubber
There’s nothing wrong with sex toys, except when they’re made of materials that are harmful to your body. Never buy one that is made of jelly rubber because this material contains a lot of questionable materials. In fact, most of the time it’s hard to figure out what is actually in jelly rubber. Phthalates are just one of these harmful chemicals. Phthalates are plastic softeners that are used in a variety of plastic products, including water bottles, shower curtains and kids toys. Unfortunately these substances have been connected to obesity and insulin resistance AKA diabetes.

The downside is that jelly rubber toys do tend to be the cheapest option. If you’re on a budget, go for a phthalate-free rubber or hard plastic material that is inexpensive and body-safe.

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1. Women Do Not Always Have To Be Right: Sadly enough this cuts down like 50% of the ‘women’ over the age of 25. A woman while confident in her opinions and beliefs will willingly listen to and accept that others will not share the same opinion and be able to keep peace throughout the storm. A chickenhead will become verbally aggressive to get her point across, through and to the bitter death. Annnnd although she may know that she is right will let her partner feel as though he is because men are allowed to have one victory out of ten #womancode #menthankmelater
2. Women Refrain From Putting Others Down: Let’s face it we all do a little people bashing from time to time but a woman knows her limitations and frankly has more important matters to attend to. A chickenhead will spend an ample amount of time preaching from her holier than thou pulpit, until your ears ache.
3. Women Live Within Their Means: Men, many of the other women you dated may have demanded coach purses and toted around Louis this and Gucci that, but a woman with a firm grip on her personal finances would rather see her money grow then put on a show.
4. Women Have Hobbies and Are Active in Extra-curricular Activities: It’s not that chickenheads don’t have hobbies or extra-curricular activities; they usually just don’t involve things you can speak about with the family over dinner.
5. Women Take An Interest In Learning About Others: Although collecting model cars may not be her thing, she will do her best to learn about the activity in order to know more about you.
6. Women Do Not Accept The Victim Role: This is a tough one and relates back to #1. One of the most definitive factors between a girl and a woman is that a woman knows how to move on after tragedy. This means that she seeks out help, is willing to work through her issues and refuses to wallow in them.
7. Women Put Family First: A woman will sacrifice splurging on a brand new leather tee, Watch the Throne concert, and a day at the spa to have QT with her folks, or her children. She recognizes that men, an active nightlife and an all-inclusive vacation are things that flail in comparison to her loved ones.
8. Women Love Themselves: This is also a difficult concept to grasp because intangible but a woman who loves herself carries herself with the utmost respect and grace. She gives off an aura of confidence that is more contagious than it is pretentious or unattainable. People feel comfortable in her presence and want to be around her.
9. Women Know When To Say No: I’ll be real with you I got this from that Raheem Devaughan joint, ‘Woman’ but it’s so true. A woman recognizes when a man isn’t ready to love her the way she deserves to be loved and has the strength and dignity to tell you no. Her value system is so intact that she has no problem turning down a man’s pre-mature yet charming advances.
10. Women Willingly Sacrifice Appearance: This is a major one. With our society being so commercialized and superficial a woman who can sacrifice getting regular mani and pedis or going on shopping trips to make ends meet or to save up for that new house or all inclusive vacation has come into her own. It’s not that she isn’t materialistic, because she may very well love and deserve her regular pampering but she has the ability to see into the future and stick to a plan that requires discipline and love. Sacrifice is one of the key elements of love.

Theirs is not much in life that is guaranteed because it’s constantly evolving and we are constantly learning however, I came up with this list by observing the qualities of women who I admire and look up to. Sacrifice, be open to new experiences, and loving yourself is what separates the girls from the women. Like I mentioned before it’s impossible to have everything down pact, but that’s what makes life so exciting, the struggle, the victory and the growth.

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About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I  or send her an email contact@goddessintellect.com.

If you watched the season, then you know just what it means when you put Naomi and Leroy in a room together for more than 5 minutes! I recently had the chance to chat with Naomi about her experience with MTV. Check out my exclusive interview with her as she dishes on her experience living with seven strangers, having cameras follow her every move, dealing with the whole STD drama with Leroy on camera and her experience on the upcoming “Battle of the Exes” challenge!

HelloBeautiful: How has your life changed since you appeared on MTV’s “Real World Las Vegas”?
Naomi: It’s definitely changed. For one thing, I never stick to the same look. I get bored having the same look. I’ve colored my hair and now I have a very short hair cut. I renovate my look often and people still notice me and ask me questions about the show. I’ve met a lot of people in the business and in the MTV family. I’ve been able to party with people from “Jersey Shore”. Our show was even nominated for a “Teen Choice Award” against The Kardashians and “Jersey Shore” which is really big.  Our “Real World” season brought it back on the map as we were the highest rated “Real World” ever. This is insane even though “Jersey Shore” won, it was just amazing to be nominated. I’ve gotten into cool projects, reality shows and photo shoots. I even want to enroll in acting classes in NYC so I have gained a lot.

HB: Did you want to be an actress before the “Real World”?
Naomi: Ever since I was 11 I wanted to be an actress. I was offered a scholarship to go acting school but my dad didn’t want to pay so I let the idea go until I became an adult, but being on reality TV, I figured this could be an opportunity to do other things. The only thing is that being on reality tv they don’t take you as serious so I would definitely have to take a lot of classes to get on my feet.

HB: Why did you decide to go on the “Real World” in the first place?
Naomi: I was in college at the time I went to school upstate and my sorority sent me an email about the casting. They said I’m crazy and have such a good personality that I’ll get picked right away so I figured I had nothing to lose. I didn’t expect anything out of it. I was pretty casual and I showed up late. I just wore jeans, curly hair all out. Other people had on fur coats and dresses and stuff, I was the complete opposite. The way it works is that you have a group interview and the casting director asks you a question about yourself and then from there he’ll build on more questions. At the end of the interview, the casting director asks everyone who would they like to get to know more out of the entire group. Everybody liked me out of the group, wanted to get to know me and wanted to have me as a friend. Then, he chose me to fill out an 80-page application to move on to the next step and I kept moving on. There was 5 or 6 other steps in the process before I finally was chosen to move into the house.

HB: How was your experience in the house?  Do you have any regrets?
Naomi: We were all so multi-dimensional so I want to say that none of us did anything to misinterpret. The way we were on TV was the way we were in real life. The problem with other people is that they get on reality TV and they’re excited so they try to edit themselves. We were all ourselves; we were completely the same person that we are. I don’t think we were seen in anyway that we weren’t. I met 7 new people I never knew before. Its lead me to other opportunities so I don’t regret any of it.

HB: How was it dealing with and hooking up with Leroy?
Naomi: Our whole relationship was playful. We didn’t want to get in each other’s way when were having a good time. We’re both playful and immature and this situation with the STD made us want to be more mature. When it comes to dealing with feelings we both become introverted. So I had to grow up because it was my health I was dealing with.  I was the one going through the situation. I had to own up to my mistake, which was having sex with him, unprotected, and then having to go to the doctor. You have cameras following you and it’s nothing you can do about it. It’s no such thing as privacy. You’re living in a bubble so it’s like you’re dealing with just your roommates but when the show airs you’re dealing with everybody’s reaction. People are so quick to judge people off a reality show when they know that that happens everyday but because it’s on TV people feel the need to judge you more. You live and you learn. I don’t regret it. It helped other people realize the importance of protecting yourself.

HB: Do you ever get any type of privacy?
Naomi: No, the only time they don’t follow you is when you’re taking a crap but you get used to it. You’ll have a personal relationship with the cameraman, it is what it is. They’re there you’re there but you’re not communicating. We got used to the fact that we were being watched by day number two.

HB: How did you get hooked up with Battle Of The Exes?
There’s always a challenge that follows a “Real World” and each challenge has a theme. This one is battle of the exes and you don’t know what’s going on until you get there. You don’t know who was picked. We were in the Dominican Republic and imagine getting the news you’re being hooked up with your ex. After the show we were trying to figure out if we were going to pursue each other on a more serious note. But unfortunately it didn’t work out. But the wounds were still fresh to me because I obviously cared about him a lot so it was something I was still dealing with. When I went to the Dominican Republic, I was still dealing with not being with him. How can I be paired up with him and live with him and I still have feelings? He’s the kind of guy that’s never settles down and he’s never had a real relationship so for me its kind of like I’m in it alone. Everything else will be shown on TV. It was a very different experience from Real World.

HB: Which do you like better? Real World or The Challenge?
Naomi: I like the “Real World” better. I like to party and have a good time and I like to meet different people. You build better relationships on the “Real World”. The “Challenge” is so competitive and everyone is backstabbing and for themselves. I hate those situations. I don’t want to be the kind of person that has to be on their toes all the time because something is constantly changing. I did like “The Challenge” though but I just like the “Real World” better.

HB: How is the relationship between you and Leroy now?
Naomi: Leroy and I are friends, nothing more and nothing less. If we see each other, I’m sure we would hook up. I think we see each other in a different light.

HB: Any new projects?
Naomi: Well, I have a photo shoot coming up. I’m on the cover of Ellements magazine for the January issue (ellementsmag.com). I’m having my 24^th birthday at TAJ In NYC sponsored by Isreal at Alist Entertainment. Follow me @NaomiMTV

Will you tune in to “Battle Of The Exes”?

Keep up with me on Twitter!! @xoxoSHAR

“I believe that manhood is defined by how you love and provide for your wife and family.”

Many of the single men that I talked to did not like this definition of manhood. Many single men said to me“Manhood has nothing to do with whether or not I am married or single.” Then I would say “But when are you the most man? Manhood should be about the state at which you are the most man that you can be. Your full evolution of man.” This is the redefinition of manhood. Are there some single men that are more man then married men? – Sure. Can a man max his evolution while still in a state of singleness? – I don’t see why not. But what I am saying is that the average man that wants a marriage and family has to challenge himself. He has to challenge himself to meet the demands of the growth and development required, in specific areas, to have that successful marriage and happy family life. Those specific areas begin with but are not limited to:

1.) The Act of Loving 2.) Leadership 3.) Responsibility 4.) Communication 5.) Compromise 6.) Consistency 7.) Purpose 8.) Restraint 9.) Structure 10.) Planning.

Specified Areas By Example:

1.) I adopted an understanding that loving her is loving me.

2.) She is not going follow first, man has to exhibit leadership first.

3.) The single man is responsible for one person. The married man is responsible for at least two.

4.) Communication is on the job training. As a husband I had to develop better listening skills.

5.) I almost never compromised as a single man. Compromise is the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning now.

with@JacqueReid

Click here to continue reading Part II of “The State of Manhood in America.”

To read Part I of “The State of Manhood In America” click here!

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

–

5 Things We Can Do Better In Relationships In 2012

Is He REALLY Single? Here’s 8 Ways To Tell

Director Anthony Hemingway and producer Rick McCallum managed to exhibit the inspirational and aspirational story behind the fly boys of Tuskegee with Red Tails. I’ll be the first to tell you that I am no action movie fan, but from the very beginning of this movie, I was hooked, then I was invested in the story and by the end, balled like a baby. Red Tails not only focuses on the heroism of the Tuskegee Airmen, but it also touches on themes of racism, power and visually enthralls the viewer in stunning air combat.

They say sex sells, so Red Tails should have no issue bringing in big bucks, considering the sexy stars cast to be the meat – literally and figuratively – in the retelling of this historic plight. After thanking my lucky stars, I got a chance to sit down with stars David Oyelowo, Nate Parker, Cuba Gooding Jr., Tristan Wilds, Elijah Kelley, Ne-Yo, director Anthony Hemingway, producer Rick McCallum, and real life Tuskegee Airman Dr. Roscoe Brown as they discussed the characters in the film, what they loved about it and working on an action-packed film with Civil Rights undertones. Everything about this movie stole my attention and kept it under lock and key, so please, do yourself a favor and go see Red Tails this Friday, January 20th!

Describe the characters you played…
David Oyelowo: I played Lightning and he embodies the audacity of youth. He’s a bad boy in a sense. He embodies that feeling of immortality. You kind of need that to get in a tin can that flies, go out to save the world and feel you’re going to come back every time. You needed that to do the missions. One of the things that Nate [Parker] and I talked about so much is that we were two sides of the same coin. There’s a phenomenal amount of talent in Lightning that needs directing and there’s a phenomenal amount of pressure in being a leader of a group that falls on Easy (Parker’s character).
Nate Parker: It was so exciting when we got this opportunity. This [grabs David’s shoulder] has become one of my closest friends on Earth. We sat down to figure out how we’d approach this because these characters aren’t very different. Easy’s given the responsibility of dealing with the burden of leadership and he’s 21 and it’s life or death. This character is always in the position of continual unrest and the only way he can slow his mind down is to find his coping mechanism which was alcohol, which [he thought] helped him be more human in his environment. There’s many things people use to deal with the anxiety inside of them. Through the journey, it took a series of events to let him know that sooner or later, he was going to have to face that anxiety and become a man in it. It was a rite of passage for him and without the series of events, he would have never changed. He ended up appreciating all the things that led up to him saying, “No more.”
Cuba Gooding Jr.: I play Major Emmanuel Stance. My character gives these gentleman guidance, proper training and encouragement and send them off to their war machines in the skies above.
Ne-Yo: I play Andrew “Smokey” Salem. He’s kind of the comedy relief in the film and the light-hearted part of the seriousness that is going on.
Elijah Kelley: My character’s name is Samuel “Joker” George. Ne-Yo and my character have a bond. We bring the levity to a very serious situation. I’m also a go-getter, gunner type of fighter. I want everybody to have an incredible time.
Tristan Wilds: My character is Raymond Gannon. They call me Junior. I’m the youngest pilot on the flight, the small man on the totem pole trying to get respect from my older peers.

Ne-Yo, how did you get cast in this film?
Ne-Yo: You know what? I went through the process like everyone else. I auditioned and they dug my audition. I told my people I don’t want roles because I’m Ne-Yo. It was my third time cold reading in life and it was enough to impress Anthony and there I was.

What do you love most about this film?
David Oyelowo: That was one of the things I loved about the film—I’ve been involved in films like this before. In the black community, you feel like you have to be all things to all men. You feel you have to please everyone. You feel if you have one that drinks, a bad boy and people feel like you’re airing dirty laundry. [laughs] I love that we’re doing a film that has a very firm eye on the audience. Everyone has weaknesses, especially young people. It was about how are these young men going to make the transition from boys to men. One of the scenes I enjoyed most in the movie was the scene with Terrence. He told Lightning that he had potential, but he was wasting it. Every young person has those moments where they need to buck up or lose out. I love that we didn’t pander to the fear of making him perfect. Any movie like this, you need that art so people can identify because they have those weaknesses.
Anthony Hemingway: We’ve seen ourselves as slaves, maids and X, Y and Z. This is a chance to see warriors, heroes, bravery and confidence—strong men, period. It’s a freshness. We’re focusing on educating the new generation that doesn’t know who the Tuskegee Airmen are. It’s to engage them to enjoy the ride. You’re on a roller-coaster ride, then you’re socked with some history, education and inspiration.
Nate Parker: You’re literally seeing stereotypes being dispelled as you watch it. Because there’s such an authenticity in it, it feels like you’re being transformed in the way that you think. What I really love about the film is that it celebrates masculinity in the black man. We don’t see that as often as we should. To be a part of the Hollywood machine, we look for it and our young people look for it. When they only see it in athletes and drug dealers, then that’s what they aspire to. To give them a different point of reference and say you can be excellent, strong, a rock star, sexy and still be responsible, college educated—it says something. As a black man, it’s inspiring.
David Oyewolo: I haven’t seen young, black men in amazing planes, doing what we got to do in this movie. We’ve seen films with great CGI or whatever, but not with this particular group getting to do this. It’s rare to go and feel like you’re watching something new. You can feel that.

You guys had to use a lot of CGI and green screen. What’s the difference in acting with this versus a regular movie?

Elijah Kelley: I used to laugh at people that did those type of movies—like Terminator and Transformers. It’s the hardest thing! We had someone reading lines next to us. We’re in the plane like, “boooom booom!” and the person next to you is like, [no inflection]”you’re getting shot. They’re coming after you. Look harder. Move faster.” And you’re like, “I’m getting shot at! I need for you to give me something!” All the Sam Worthington’s Shia LeBouf’s and Arnold Schwartzenegger’s that have stood in front of that screen and made something from nothing—kudos!

Do you feel it was more important to show the adventure of the film versus the Civil Rights aspect of it?

Dr. Roscoe Brown: It does show the Civil Rights, in a sense because it talks about what we can’t do and what we must do. The struggle goes back to the 1940’s and the NAACP and the black press. It’s certainly difficult to highlight that in a dramatic film. You probably know about the Double V documentary George has produced, which has interviews and back stories. The movie focuses on the combat activity to get the attention of the public.

David Oyelowo: Also, with a film of this size, there’s a desire for it to crossover and be a global film, you marginalize with the film and the audience by concentrating on that. The great thing about the Tuskegee Airmen, the untold thing about them is the heroism and sheer swagger they had. These guys were the movies stars of their day in the black community and without. They gained respect from white pilots because that’s the way they crashed through the color barrier by what they did as opposed to who they were. That’s what we wanted to depict in this. It’s for kids and grown-ups all over. It’s not just for one community or group.

Stay tuned for Part two of the interview with the handsome cast of Red Tails!

Follow me on Twitter @Rhapsodani!

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This status caused me to go deep in thought. Was it that serious? Are women responsible for the heartbreaks and joys we experience because of who we choose? Is the process of elimination when it comes to finding love generally disfigured or even non-existent? Are our standards getting to be too low? All these crazy questions popped into my head, and it didn’t help that I’m the analytical type *rolls her eyes*.

I do remember hearing that saying from an older distant cousin-type relative at one point in my life, but to be quite honest I shrugged it off. I figured it was too much work to look for a man who I could have children with to date or sleep with, because that would involve getting to know him. Getting to know someone could mean that I see the real side too soon and well, I just wanted to have fun. You see how twisted the logic sounds?

I know women who are straight jerk magnets. One of the key contributing factors to them being serial offenders is that they stay riding emotional roller coasters with no seat belt on. That means they are being tossed and turned in their seats or relationships, without a firm grasp of reality or the bar in front, when all they had to do was put on a seat belt. The seat belt restricts, or you could look at it another way and say that the seat belt protects. The seat belt in the case of my wacky analogy is this thing I call values. Values start from within and they generally help us make wise decisions.

Now while I know that with speed dating events, metropolises with millions of men at a woman’s disposal it is highly unlikely that one is going to adhere to this saying 110% but it’s definitely something to keep in one ear instead of letting it slip out the other. I challenge my brothers and sisters in the dating world to keep “future” in the back of your mind when on your next date, you may not necessarily be ready to start a family per se but I guarantee you this altered perception will do your dating life some good.

At this stage in your life, do you look for a partner you would start a family with? Why or why not?

Do you believe that there is a double standard when it comes to mate selection? Are women given more responsibility to find the ideal mate than their male counterparts?

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About the Author:

Telisha Ng is the author of the Goddess Intellect blog, & Host of Menage a Talks on blog talk radio. To contact her please email: contact@goddessintellect.com

Will you be in the New York City area on Sept.29th? Join Telisha for the first live episode of Menage A Talks, “Battle of The Sexes”. For more info and ticket information visit Menage A Talks in NYC.

1960 - Many of the husbands during this time did not want their wives to work. It was a status symbol. The wife did not work because the man made a bunch of money. Man provided. He was the family’s only source of income. He could beat his chest. Everyone could see that he was the man because his wife didn’t have to work. If a new house was purchased, the man would get the credit. New car-man did that. New furniture-man did that too. Vacation? “Oooh gurl, you got a good man!” In the early part of the Sixties, accolades for men who provided for their families poured in by the ship load. With the male ego being affectionately stroked, man’s manhood remained fully intact. Intact until manhood ran into an Army of Independent Women. So I pulled together a group of young ladies over the age of 50 who were Army brats. I asked these women a simple but thought provoking question:  “What was the catalyst that started the deterioration of manhood?” After some deliberation the ladies decided that the man changed when the woman started making more money.

1963 - The “Equal Pay For Women Act” was passed. The “Equal Pay For Women Act” positively impacted the economy, but negatively impacted marriage. On the day that the woman started being able to pay the bills, on that day, the male ego started missing hugs. Manhood took a hit. The man felt like he was less of a man because the woman was obviously “more” woman. She now had more to offer. Up until 1963 women were pretty much only frying bacon but after 1963 women started bringing home the bacon. If I could go back in time, to 1963, I would add an amendment to the “Equal Pay For Women Act.” The amendment would read like this:

“Man can fry bacon. It’s ok. Bacon is not sexist.”

“The State of Manhood in America.”

Click here to continue reading “The State of Manhood in America.”

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

5 Things We Can Do Better In Relationships In 2012

Is He REALLY Single? Here’s 8 Ways To Tell

Ten years ago, Aaliyah died in a tragic plane crash. Today is her birthday–we honor her effortless style:

1. Side-swept bangs. Aaliyah’s hair, long and layered, was one of her most prominent features, and rarely was she seen without her bangs in place. Swept across the side of her face, she gave us just a peak of her eyes. Female fans copied the beloved style as best they could.

2. Sunglasses. As she got older, her shyness faltered, and the shades came off, but for years – from the era of “Back N Forth” to the days of “One in a Million,” Aaliyah kept a pair of sunglasses on standby. The accessory only contributed to her being the epitome of cool.

3. Baggy Jeans. Aaliyah proved that boxers and baggy jeans were not just for rappers and thugs. She donned her denim just like the rest of the them, if not better. Low and slung below her waist, Aaliyah proved that she could run with the boys, but still be a lady.

4. Midriff-Baring. Seeing the singer with a full-length shirt on was a rarity. Bikini-style tops, and those that hit just above the belly-button were her preference from red carpets to music videos. With a flat stomach and trim waist, we couldn’t blame her, and we didn’t mind.

5. Bandana. No amount of cloth, bejeweled or not, could distract us from Aaliyah’s cascading locks, but she rocked a bandana, just as casually and comfortably as us non-celebrities would.

Check out Aaliyah’s fashion transformation over the years:

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Samuel L. Jackson Channels Martin Luther King For Ebony Mag [PHOTOS]

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We are aware you are talking to us as we walk past you and you hit us with the “Aye…Aye…Aye girl come here” or the infamous “Damnnnnnn, baby let me talk to you” but fellas in all honesty, we ignore you. And the fact of the matter is that we aren’t ignoring you to be rude, we ignore you because you’re rude. So in order to help the brothas out when it comes to women, here are 11 things that women look for in a man:

11. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If you approach a woman in a respectful manner, you’ve already earned yourself a couple brownie points. If she sees that you respect your mother (Do not confuse this with being a “mama’s boy”) then half the battle is already won, because a man that loves and respects his mother, with time will love and respect you. Now, keep in mind ladies this isn’t a one-way street, you have to ENTER the relationship demanding respect because the way you start a relationship is the way you finish it.

10. Be Attentive. Okay so we like compliments, who doesn’t. A woman wants to know that you pay enough attention to her to notice that she got a new cut or changed her hair color. She wants you to notice that she lost 5 pounds just from eating at Subway for a week, yeah it sounds stupid and annoying but just wait a few more years and you will find that you want her to do the same to you too.

9. Nice Appearance. Mind you this is number 9 because while it’s not at all all about looks, they are very important. For instance, not only is it a plus if you are handsome but if you are clean cut and smell nice as well. Keep in mind that the top 3 things women check out the moment they lay eyes on you is your teeth, nails and shoes. If a guy has nice teeth and clean nails, his hygiene is usually on point, and if he has nice shoes or big feet well then ladies you know….

8. Stability. Brothas, this one is important for a few reasons: first its’ important because women need to know that if for whatever reason either one of you fall, you have a back up plan to pick each other back up. The man’s job is to be the provider and women hold men to that very idea, if you are over 25, without a college degree or job/career honey, you are highly unstable. The second reason this is important is because it leads into the next factor:

7. Security. Women need a man that is secure not only financially, internally but physically as well. Please refer back to #8 for further explanation on the reasons women need financial security. Now men need to be internally secure so that your self-confidence never becomes an issue. Women need physical security from men because of the common role of the father figure (or any kind of male figure you’ve had in your life) in our life, once a man has a daughter one of his top priorities is to protect his daughter and that idea tends to carry on into many women’s adult lives. Typically, once the daughter becomes married, it is her man’s job to take on the role of her protector and provider (ladies keep in mind that it’s okay to be independent and have your man be all of these things as well).

6. Responsibility. Men we have to want to trust that you can be responsible and hold it down for us ladies. If you don’t take responsibility for your own business, we know that we definitely can’t count you to take responsibility for anything or anybody else. In other words, if you don’t pay your rent/bills on time every month  but hop on a new pair of Jordan’s as soon as they come out, then we can’t count on you to not get ghost once a child is involved , which automatically deems you irresponsible.

5. A chase. After playing a game so long it gets boring because it is predictable, you already know what that person is going to do or say. Maybe you are highly attractive and you’ve grown accustomed to the opposite sex flocking to you, fellas this is your opportunity to do something she is not used to. This is your monkey wrench per se and get prepared to toss it her way, be her remix. Do something she is not used to and send her on a chase, make her say to herself “wait I thought he wanted me.” Send your girl on a SMALL chase and make her come to you first, just be mindful that this chase is small so don’t be disrespectful and don’t make it so dramatic. This can be confusing but just think of it in the sense that we always want what we can’t have, only she can have you she just has to work for it.

4. Maturity. Listen, If I wanted to deal with a kid I’d call “Chris Hansen With Dateline MSNBC.” In other words if you’re an adult, act like it. Women really cannot stand immature men so if you are immature either grow up or find an immature woman to be with.

3. Great Sex. This one can be tricky because it really just depends on who you are and your likes and dislikes. With some women bad sex is a total deal breaker and to some it’s either not that serious or looked at as something that can be taught.

2. Creativity. To be frank, dating can get a little tired if done too often and it can really become sort of redundant. Do something creative for me or to me, I don’t want you to do the same thing to me that Brian did in 02′, make me want to look forward to our time spent otherwise it will all start to look and feel the same.

1. Be emotionally involved. Now I understand that every man is simply not at that stage in there life where they are ready to sit down with their woman and fully communicate. Say it with me fellas, fully communicate. Fully Communicate as in a mutual conversation on things that mean a lot to you, not just you acting as if you’re listening to her ramble off  into the wee hours of the morning about what one of her co-workers, whom you have never met, did to the copy machine at work. Make the conversation mutual, listen to her talk, give conscious feedback  and vice vera. She tells you these things because she trusts that she can come to you and confide in you when she wants to get something off of her chest. Yeah so she gets a little beside herself and talks too much, if you really want to be with this woman then deal with it.

Men take this information with a grain of salt because you also have to approach the right woman and expect her to want these things (or similar) as well, if she is mature and sophisticated, this is likely what she is looking for. However, if she is immature and lacks class, this list probably doesn’t apply to her. Women, you can’t demand these things from a man unless you’ve got it together yourself. You cannot set out to expect class, respect and sophistication from a man when you have not yet reached these levels yourself.

What do you guys think a woman looks for in a man?

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1. Awkward, stays pretty uncomfortable and uneventful, date ends in an awkward way.

2. Awkward, a few beers helps loosen things up and make it comfortable, date ends a little better.

3. Awkward, chugging mixed drinks makes things even more awkward, and date just… ends.

GET IT STRAIGHT

Everyone has had their share of first date horror stories, and alcohol seems to be a big factor that affects the turnout. Although mixing some buzz into a first date can be a risk, the pressure of the night might require some booze:

From the “met at a local restaurant that didn’t have a liquor license” first date: We had no clue that we wouldn’t be able to start the date off with a few stiff drinks. Although we were both clearly taken aback with the menu of solely sodas and juices, neither of us wanted to suggest going somewhere with alcohol and risk a bad/alcoholic first impression. We struggled through the date, asking the usual questions: Where do you work? What kinds of things do you like to do? We were both clearly interesting people, but we were also both extremely shy. Each of us could have definitely used an ice cold beer (or 3) by the time he was signing the check. Our date ended with a kiss on the cheek and “It was nice meeting you,” which was a total waste of my shaved legs and high heels.

From the “got a good wine buzz and loosened up a little” first date: It was definitely awkward while we both stood in the crowded front area of the restaurant waiting to be seated. As soon as we sat down and had a glass of wine, however, I felt a lot more comfortable about being on a blind date. We discussed the usual getting to know each other things, but I also found myself making jokes as he did the occasional “hand on my hand.” We called it a night after we finished a bottle of wine but we made plans to see each other again- I remember being satisfied with the turnout, but I definitely wished that we had hung out more after dinner.

From the “it turned into a shot challenge” first date: I was on a date after trying out online dating for the first time. We picked this new up-scale restaurant and had a pretty great time over some tapas and wine. After he signed the ridiculously expensive bill, I suggested that I buy him a drink at the cheap local bar next door. Needless to say, one beer turned into 3, which eventually turned into who can drink more shots? I found myself getting extremely wasted while he seemed to have control of himself, talking about my exes and how I want to have 3 kids, going to the bathroom and getting sick (partially on my new shoes), then laying on my bed an hour later sending him the tenth apology text message.

So our question to you is, what is the perfect mix of alcohol with a first date? It’s clear that not enough alcohol can keep both people on edge, while too much alcohol can give off the worst possible first impression. What drinks do you stick to when you’re going out with someone?

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5. Get Out of Your Bad Relationship – *New Rule Alert* – If your relationship needs counseling and you are not married don’t get married to that person. We need to have higher standards for getting married and even greater standards on getting a divorce.

*New Rule Alert* – Divorce is not an option but if your spouse refuses to go to counseling, divorce them. Every married couple needs to have a counselor on speed dial. If you are in a bad marriage it is not going to get better on accident, get some help or get out! If your spouse won’t go to counseling here is what you do: Go to counseling by yourself. Each time after counseling go home and give your spouse a summary of the counseling session that you just left. After your spouse hears you say, “The counselor asked me . . . what was I thinking when I married you?” OR “The counselor said that ALL OF THE PROBLEMS IN OUR MARRIAGE ARE YOUR FAULT!” After your spouse gets an ear full of that for three weeks in a row either he or she will file the divorce papers themselves or they will go to counseling to defend themselves. In 2012 will have to end these bad relationships.

4. Forgive & Heal – After getting out of your bad relationship sit down somewhere. Don’t date for a while. Work on you. Your first item of business is to forgive the people related to all of your bad relationship experiences. You cannot carry anger, frustration, disappointment or resentment into your next relationship. If you cannot forgive, relationships are not for you because without forgiveness healing does not take place. Healing is the process of filling the holes in your heart. If your heart has holes in it, don’t nobody want dat raggedy heart.  In 2012 get your heart right before trying to offer it to some one else.

3. Date Smarter This Time – Initially dating is a process of elimination. Once you have eliminated the thugs and skrippers dating becomes a process of selection. Date on your level. 90% of women want to date the top 10% of men. The numbers don’t add up because the top 10% of men want to date the top 10% of women. Don’t expect anything that you can’t give. Opposites attract on Fantasy Island but in reality it is very difficult to compromise with a person that has a different belief system than you do. You know your flaws. Worry about those instead of theirs. Accept the fact that both nobody is perfect and that includes you. With the knowledge of your own imperfections, it should make it easier to accept the imperfections of someone else. In 2012 the key to relationships will be knowing what you can accept and live with and what you can’t.

*Note to men – we have to stop putting women in the top ten percentile based on looks alone.

Read the other 2 things that we  We Can Do Better in Relationships in 2012!

Listen to Steven’s interview on this article with Twanda Black of Kiss 104 Atlanta.

Follow me on Twitter: @StevenJDixon

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We caught up with R&B artist Tank who gave us his “How To” guide for properly making love to a woman. Who better than a sexy muscular man who prides himself on being a savior to women? The mosaic of a man, recently released a new mixtape–Diary Of A Madman, which is the perfect soundtrack to the perfect night!

Sex is all about the appetizer, it’s got to start off right. The appetizer has to consist of mental stimulation more than anything. There has to be a sexy conversation about what you like, what you don’t like and what things have made you want to explode until you scream.

Moments of getting close and not going there, moments of going out on a date and spending time with one another–by the night, you want to do it so bad… but you settle for a hug and a kiss and keep it moving. A couple weeks of the build-up, the anticipation becomes so crazy. Finally when you get to that point there’s already magic in the air.

Once you get in there, you get your soundtrack together (Tank-Diary Of A Madman) make sure Rick Ross doesn’t come on at any point and start with the little things. I’m all about the extremities: the hands, the feet, the legs, the Achilles tendon, back of the knee and behind the neck. Right above a woman’s butt there’s a spot… if you just lick there. You have to take care of all of these things, it is called prepping the ham before it goes into the oven. I’m a pleaser, I like to take control!

Then it’s about what your working with and how you stroke it.

4 Quick Questions:

If you were forced to get a tattoo at gun point what would you get?

“Thuglife” on my stomach [Laughs]. If they got a gun I got to show them I’m hard too.

What secret urge do you get often but never act on?

To jump off a building and try to fly. For some reason I want fly really bad.”

What do you look for in a woman?

First, I look for pretty feet. I’m a feet man. If your feet aren’t up to par, you gets no run!

Are you single?

Yes!

Stay tuned for Part 2 where Tank dishes on his new album, gives us a groupie tale and tells us his future plans!

It all began when a series of events led me to introduce two single friends, each from a separate corner of the lonely-hearts club. She, a dynamic sister with a bright future glazing in her horizon, sociable, a people-pleaser, ever-so insecure, met him, an attractive, slightly pretentious man, whose confidence, self-righteousness and charm could blow anyone’s pants off.

I went along with the venture, trying my best to facilitate what was an unlikely combination. She had returned from abroad at the beginning of the year and was detached from the life she left behind. But I, like others in our friendship group, was excited to hear about her stories, supposing that her brilliant mind was ticking over with exciting plans and was full of stories about new people and far-away lands.

On the other side of the equation, he and I had begun seeing each other quite often on the weekends, having a crazy time between us and with other frivolous friends. He spoke about his desire to calm down a little, to find someone with the prospect of longevity. So, when circumstances led them to meet, there was clear and open interest on both sides.

As the weeks went by I stood on the sidelines answering the questions of one about the other and tried my best to bridge some of the obvious differences between them. But it appeared that nothing was going to work between them. He had told me that he had been sleeping around, and even took another sister home on an evening in which she had called me to chase information about where he was. This came in his relationship disclaimer, that so as long as there was no future between them, and the attempts to make something work had reached an expiry date, he was free to do as he wished and with whomever he pleased.

She on the other hand was reappearing in my life quite sporadically to gain information about what he was doing, where he was and what I knew about him. It was strange because, aside from staying at my place when she first returned from abroad, I would only hear from her when she wanted something. It reached the point where I gathered that even she was aware of this, telling me one day “Let’s catch up soon, girl. I feel like I haven’t seen you at all.” I was not too concerned at this point; I was busy.

But, it was all to boil over after one wild evening when he and I shared a kiss at a club. Having been told that nothing was going on between them, I fell to his charms and was one of two women to be swooned that evening with his kiss. I realized that what I had done was foul when I turned to see him with that another sister. Indignant, I left the club. The next day I spoke with him to clear the air, only to discover that he and my friend, she, were seeing each other that evening for round two.

At this point my anger about having been used as a go-between-girl between two unmatched people had reached its climax. After months of being there for both of them, I was eventually pushed to redundancy, the friendships began to end and my interactions with both faded. I also can’t overlook the notion that I was slightly jealous. Two friends, who I had known for 2 years on separate grounds, had run off together and were leaving me behind.

So one evening, I directed a comment to him, amongst friends, that questioned the worth of his friendship. Given how proactive he was in broadcasting to the world a sense of moral superiority and excellence in friendship, he took my criticism poorly and defensively. I considered him a dirty rat, so I didn’t care about how he reacted.

But then, the following day, I received a phone call from her questioning me about the evening in which he and I had kissed. He had obviously told her to spite me and I imagined this was accompanied with the usual dialogue of “she must love me,” which he regularly uses to justify burnt bridges with women (those he burns with men are because they are jealous of his style and charm.) Cornered, I asked to meet with her the next day during my lunch break. She accepted but brought along a mutual friend so to avoid any conversation about what had happened. This was a clear indication she was not interested in hearing what I knew. I told her anyway.

A week later, having boiled over in self-reflection, I sent her an SMS with a stern warning her to watch her mouth with other people. She had fragrantly spread the word amongst mutual friends that I was the saboteur between them as they went about sewing the seeds of their rock-sold connection. I doubted, at this point, that she believed me when I told her about him sleeping around. This sickened me in my self-righteousness because I knew they were having unprotected sex, for which he would take no responsibility. A typical player – selfish and irresponsible.

The entire scenario left me feeling foolish and ashamed. Aside from considering him a friend of mine – an arrogant man with little no consideration of other people’s dignity – I had also fallen victim to subtle ways of a sister’s convenience friendship.

In all of this, I did things I was not at all proud of. I was very wrong to have kissed him without appreciating fully that she still may have had feelings for him by virtue of not knowing he was sleeping around and meeting new women. Her interaction with me was so sporadic, and always so focused on her needs with him, that I was never given the opportunity to know that she was still pursuing him at that point. But, as they began seeing each other again, with talk of them moving in together, a common enemy for them both has been the best method to cover up their obvious differences. Ultimately, my former sister got what she wanted – to fill a void in her life with a charming man. My services to her have dried up and so too has the friendship.

I scratch my head occasionally and wonder whether or not I should still care about her. But then I realize that it was a lesson learned for me and that so too will it be a lesson for her when she finally gets burned.

And that is how one friendship of convenience reached its inevitable end.

“I Love My Husband, But I Want His Friend & I’m Thinking Of Leaving With This Guy”

Is It Possible To Re-Do Romance?

If you caught the last episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” then you saw the horrible segment where Sheree faced off with her ex-husband in court over child support. Since Sheree got served by Bob (who’s an ex-football player and represented himself) she decided that she needed a way to get rid of Phaedra as her attorney, without hurting her feelings and ruining their friendship. Luckily for Sheree, Phaedra wasn’t too pleased with the way Sheree did business (i.e. dodging her when it was time to cut the check), so the ladies decided to part ways as business partners for the sake of their friendship. Whew. One less beef we have to worry about between these housewives.

An EXCLUSIVE With “Love & Hip-Hop’s” Yandy Smith

Moving on to Kim, who’s been pretty absent from the other housewives this season since she’s been focusing on her new man, new baby and now, her new house. She’s hired a celebrity interior designer to whip her new mansion into shape, but only gave her a few days to do it. “Good luck b****” is the only encouraging words Kim has for the poor girl, because if you know Kim, you know everything has to be perfect and in tip-top shape. When the day comes for them to move into their new house, everything is a surprise – including KJ’s nursery. When the rooms are finally unveiled to them, they can’t help but to be surprised and even shed a few tears. Must be nice living that large! Congrats to Kim, Kroy, and Kim’s wigs (who rode in car seats the whole way to their new house). Kudos!

After a lot of drama, mistakes and almost missing the deadline to mail out the invitations, Cynthia is ready for the grand opening of her “Bailey Agency School of Fashion.” Only problem is, she’s invited everybody to the party. Yes, everybody including Kim and Nene.  Sheree shows up complaining about how hot it is (what is up with Peter and Cynthia’s dislike for air conditioning?)

Marlo and Kandi have their words when Kandi questions Marlo on how she made her money, basically trying to insinuate that she gets with wealthy men who make her rich. Marlo hits back by saying that Kandi is basically like a big mama, who takes care of men and gives them whatever they want. Marlo kept saying that she doesn’t have a “big poppa” which seems like a direct diss to Kim (at least to me). “Marlo got her money from God? No, b****, God gave you a hole to make your money from,” Kim says in her confessional about Marlo.

After a while, Kim seems over it and her and Kroy politely make their grand exit. I suppose you’re wondering what Nene was doing during this whole argument. Well, surprisingly, Nene didn’t have much to say about the situation except for the little snickers and smiles she did in the corner.

What do you think about this new chick Marlo??

Tweet me! @xoxoSHAR

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Was “Ridickulous” Too Ridiculous For Kandi’s Party? “RHOA” [RECAP]

1. If you don’t brush away what’s unproductive and hindering, then who will? You are who you are and no one else can be the instigator in the change of your thought patterns than you. Even if people try to help you, you’re the only one who can push yourself mentally. Repeat to yourself what’s most important in your life. Maybe you just need to reorganize yourself and get the negative energy out of your inner circle. Think about what’s highest on your priority list and go for it!

2. Have a strong circle around you to help get your mind in gear. Changing what’s not helping you in the long run is a strong way to be, especially if you have people reassuring you that you can do it. Don’t push away from the people that could be influential in the way you think! People will appreciate and respect you for your efforts of change, so make the most of your outside resources.

3. Revitalize your options. Give yourself multiple options of how to think in order to make the most out of what you have. There’s always more than one answer to a problem. If you’re unsure of how to proceed with changing your thoughts, ask one of your many confidants and try and come up with a solution!

4. Tighten up your thoughts. If you feel like you’re just repeating the same things in your mind, make yourself think them once and then put them in a bottle. Figuratively throw that bottle in the ocean and move toward more productive thoughts. Think of what’s most important and push the “throw-away” commentary in your mind away. While this might be hard to do in practice, once you acknowledge your control over what you think, then it’s easier to reign in the unproductive!

5 Ways To Take Control Of Your Life

5. Don’t dwell on the negative. Thoughts that are “unproductive” are usually the negative ones that crop up and don’t leave. Let yourself push those aside in favor of the positive and productive ideas that push you forward. Learning how to control how you think is one of the most important lessons life can teach you, as it strengthens you and helps you move forward.

6. Think of your mind as a harbor. This is an anecdote I got from the book I’m reading (and soon to be movie!) Eat, Pray, Love. Your “self” is an island in the middle of your mind, while the thoughts are the ships that come near the harbor. You can choose which ideas are able to come near your island, therefore, #4 is very useful in weeding out what’s irrelevant and bringing you to a better place in your mind. Once you make yourself the “ruler” of your mind, then you can be the commander of the ships that go through it!

Pushing yourself mentally can make you stronger, so sisters, don’t forget – you are in control of yourself and what you think! Never forget that what’s in your mind can be altered and that nothing is too big to conquer if you have the will to do it!

5 Reasons Why Little Things Can Make A Big Difference

Here are some ideas on how to incorporate your fashion sense into your home decor:

1) If you like earthy colors you should incorporate items that bring a sense of peace and balance for your home.

2) Consider yourself a free-spirited, lively personality who’s inspired by both the past and present.

3) Are you a modern maven? Showcase your cosmopolitan taste

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FANTASY FRIDAY: Luxury Closets

Here are our top picks to help your lips be truly beautiful for under $15:

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