Kareem,

Is it okay to make unannounced visits to my boyfriend’s house after not seeing or hearing from him for a certain period of time?

Kareem says,

I wonder how long you have not seen or heard from him? He’s not answering phone calls or emails? Have you heard from his friends or family? If not, I suggest going to his house. Maybe something is awry. But be mentally prepared to deal with whatever you may find. Good, Bad, or Ugly.

Dear Kareem: I’m A Divorced Mother Who Wants To Date

Dear Kareem: Why Won’t He Come Home?

Dear Kareem,

I’m a 36 yr old divorced, mother of 2. I’ve somehow gotten away from dating and just run behind my children playing sports. Within the next 6 yrs my children will be grown and out of the house and the life I’ve built around them will be over.

36 and starting over, but need help.

Kareem Says,

Starting over is always hard. Seeing that your children have been your whole life as of late, I think that you should take it slow. Your children are teens or pre-teens. They can look after themselves more at this age. This will allow you to have some “me” time. You should get a hobby. Find out what interests you or do something that you have always wanted too.

There are tons of activities that would allow you to meet new friends and or men. Try craiglist.org or meetup.com. You can find activities and people that are interested in the same things you are. You can also become more active in church (if you are not already) I know a ton of people that have met at church.

When you actually go out on a date remember this, no one likes one dimensional conversation. It’s especially bad when that conversation is all about kids. That’s lame and boring. If your date does not have kids, he is going to be instantly turned off. Talk about work, hobbies, or interests. Most people date as an escape from boredom – don’t contribute to it. The only way to be interesting is to do interesting things.

Got a question for Kareem? Hit him up at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

Dear Kareem: I’m in love with my best friend!!

Dear Kareem: Why won’t he come home?

I’m a 21-year-old woman. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year, but he has been away in Alabama since September. However, he’s been done with school since February, and he’s still not home – he said he has responsibilities that he has to take care of before he leaves. I understand he has 5-year-old son there, and I understand that he won’t just leave him, but I’m ready for him to come home. I think there are other factors – like another female or possibly another child in his life – that are keeping him there. He first said he needed $40 to get home for gas, which I sent. A month later, he said he needed $50.00 to get home, and I sent that, too, but he’s still not home. What should I do? Should I end the relationship?

Kareem Says:

Sweetie, I’m sorry to tell you… this is not a relationship. You need to keep it moving. He has given you all the signs of having another life going on. I would say that he is out of town moving work, but clearly he’s broke if he asking you for $40 and $50 dollar loans. If you like getting played, at least find a man with some money. It sounds like he is balancing you, another woman, or a drug habit. If I were you, I’d cut my losses.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

DEAR KAREEM: How do I tell my friend her boyfriend’s gay?

DEAR KAREEM: I’m in love with my best friend!

I have really fallen in love with my best friend. We have been friends for almost six years now, and I really don’t know how to let him know how I feel about him. We do everything together, and I want to see where we can go. We have been sexually active for the last three years and had a baby together, but never really committed to each other. He tells me that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but there are times when I feel that he is just lying to me. We have had our share of fights because I’m younger than him, and other females tell him that he doesn’t need me and that he needs to get someone his own age. He is very jealous, and at the same time he tells me that I need to find someone that will satisfy my sexual needs. I really don’t know how to tell him that I want him and not everybody else that tries to talk to me. What should i do? I really need some advice.

Kareem says:

Sweetie, I am confused. Let me see if I can break this down. You two have been best friends for six years, been screwing for three, and have a kid together? That does not sound like a friendship. That sounds like your sugardaddy/steady booty call knocked you up unexpectedly. He clearly does not want to be with you outside of a recreational Friday night “squeeze off.” As a grown man, he knows what he wants – and it doesn’t seem to be a significant relationship with you. If he is encouraging you to find someone your own age that satisfies your “needs”, you need to. Learn to love yourself.

Got a question for Kareem? Hit him up at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

DEAR KAREEM: How Do I Tell My Friend Her Boyfriend’s Gay?

DEAR KAREEM: My Man is Boring! Help!

A good friend of mine has recently begun dating a guy who is super effeminate. Think Ru Paul meets Paul Mooney. He walks, talks and twirls like a woman. The first time I met him was at a dinner party and he strutted in late, swooshed towards me and exclaimed “honey, your car’s getin’ towed!!” and then snapped his fingers in my face and swooshed away. He is funny, loud and super extra. Everyone thinks he is gay but no one can prove it… my friend does not believe he is gay. She said he is one of the best lovers she’s ever had and they are now talking about getting married. She is actually the happiest I have ever seen her. Do you think I should pull her aside and caution her? Or do you think I should mind my own business?

Kareem Says:

If everything you say is accurate, there is a 99.9999% chance he is gay. I’m sorry but straight guys don’t snap fingers, swoosh away or address strangers with “honey, your car’s gettin’ towed!” My grandmother always said if too many people say the same thing about someone, it’s probably true.

But seriously, if she is happy, let her be. Mind your own business. It’s not your place to question or crush her. Maybe she knows deep down that he isn’t straight and doesn’t care. Or maybe she is so enamored by him, that she is blind to his ways. Either way, let her find out own her own. Just be prepared to console her if and when she walks in while he’s in the middle of a “Manwich.”

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com!

Kareem,

I have been seeing this guy for the last year and a half. He is a really good guy. He has a great job, no kids, and a good family. He loves me and bends over backward for me. Not to mention he is FINE! My only problem with him is that he is corny. Like, he is boring as hell and socially awkward. I like hanging out with him on a one-on-one, but he is annoying to have in the presence of others. He is like a bimbo, except he ain’t dumb – if that makes sense. Our sex life is okay. Not good or great. Lately I have been feeling like cheating on him. I miss some of the old flames that I had in my past. They were fun and kept me guessing. There only problem was they were losers or full of shit. I’m in a dilemma. I feel like I’m missing out by staying with him. What should I do? Is his stability worth not being really happy?

Kareem says,

Wow you sound like a man. Normally, WE are the ones that like to screw up relationships and the self-esteem of whom we date.

There are women that would kill to be in your shoes, and I’m sure you know this. Dudes are out here dogging women left and right, blowing out credit ratings, beating sisters down and creating baby mommas – among other things. You have a good man that pampers and respects you but you want to get knocked off by Thug-Love? ~sigh~ The irony of life.

You should have recognized that he was lame from jump street. But you probably got with him on the rebound after “Tyrone” played you out one too many times. Now all you can do is suggest an open relationship. Tell him that you like him but don’t want to be exclusive anymore. Hopefully he will recognize that he is probably too good for you and find someone that will appreciate him for who he is. Corny or not.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com!

DEAR KAREEM: My woman is turning me off!

DEAR KAREEM: How long should I wait to get my ex back?

My girl doesn’t really turn me on anymore, cuz she doesn’t take care of herself like she used to. We have been together for 4 years and now that we’re engaged, she has gotten sloppy and fat. We don’t have kids and she has gained at least 25 lbs since when I met her. Now I find myself thinking about other chicks all the time, and am really tempted to get some of that forbidden fruit. Is it cheating for me to be thinking about other chicks?

Mr. Uninterested
Kareem Says,

Brother, if you are preoccupied with other women and obsessing over being with them, you are going to cheat. No two ways around it. You may also be feeling anxiety over the fact that you two are about to tie the knot, which is common for most newly engaged men.

If you are really in love with this woman and want to be with her as husband and wife, you need to address this issue. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure and divorce court. I think you need to keep it real with her. Take her to dinner (well, maybe not dinner…) and tell her what is on your mind. Tell her that you are concerned with the weight gain and with the lack of upkeep. She will most likely cry and throw a tantrum. Then make suggestions on how both of you can solve the problem. Join a gym together, take martial arts together, or train for a half-marathon. You should also go shopping with her and pick out outfits that you would like to see her in. Check out the latest issue of GIANT magazine for some style tips.

Those activities will make your bond tighter and enhance your relationship for the long run.

Please note: I am writing this assuming that Mr. Uninterested has his shit together. If not, he has some serious nerve and needs to re-evaluate himself before he stresses his woman on her look.

-KJ

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com and check back to see if YOUR problem as been solved!

Black and Married With Kids suggests THIS way to tell your mate to lose weight.

I’m a 33-year-old single mom and I have a few male friends that are interested in me. The thing is, I have about 1 or 2 that I would make my man, but I’m not sure on who. How would I know which one is right for me? Are there any signs? Tell me something.
Kareem says:

You need to find out which brother has goals that align with your own. What do they do now? Where do they want to be in 5 yrs? How do they interact with your child/children? Which one do you really have fun with? If you are sleeping with them all, think about which one is laying the best pipe (Note: Kareem does not endorse having sex with multiple partners).

The great thing is that you have options, which is something most sisters do not. But sometimes multiple options can be confusing. Step back and look at all of them. Then you can really get a good understanding of who each one is as a person.

Good luck,

- KJ

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

What if you didn’t want a boyfriend… but a sperm donor?

How does a man choose between more than one woman?

Dear Kareem,

My boyfriend moved out in January. We had been together almost 3 years, and we were having financial problems – he was out of work, and in my eyes he wasn’t trying hard enough to find a job. (He’s got one now.)
They say hindsight is 20-20, and I now look back and realize that I pushed a good man away, between my insecurities, my constant bickering, and my lack of trust.

I’ve spent the past few months “working” on myself, just spending time at home going back over my relationship. He, on the other hand, jumped into a relationship with another woman. I don’t blame him because I physically and emotionally pushed him away. It’s a classic case of a rebound relationship. I guess my question… is how long do I wait to try to get him back?

I’ve seen him once since then, and he tells me he still loves me, but doesn’t want to hurt her… Okay…it hasn’t been a bed of roses for me either.

We have a lot of mutual friends who say he still loves me, yadda yadda yadda, but at this point I don’t know what to believe. Help!

Kareem says:

This does appear to be a classic case of a rebound relationship. I’m curious as to whether he is truly “with” this new girl, or if they are just killing time. I’m sure she does not know she is a rebound chick, and he is probably telling her anything to keep her around. Men do this all the time – we call it “having a soft landing.”

I’m glad that you realize your mistakes in the relationship. I think that you two should work on being in a friendship before rekindling a romantic or sexual relationship. Maybe it will work out in the long run.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

How does a man choose between two women? Kareem answers.

Should you forgive a cheater?

Dear Kareem,

I’ve been dating my baby daddy for 5 years on and off. We are talking about getting married soon, but I keep finding and hearing things about him cheating on me. He says I’m the only one, but there’s something deep down in my heart telling me there’s someone else. I love him to death but I don’t know what to do CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME!!

Kareem Says:

I have always felt like you should follow your gut instinct. When you feel that something is not right about a situation, it usually is the case. I have gone against my better judgment several times in my life and regretted it each time.

You have been with him for 5 years and have a child together. You need to ask yourself: do the pros outweigh the cons? Is having him in your life really worth it? Take “love” out the equation and really make out a list of how this man benefits you, your child, and your future. Since you have no proof that he is cheating on you, all you can do is speculate and worry. If you really want to find out, hire a private eye to follow him for a month. Then make your decision.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

Should you forgive a cheater? Kareem answers!

Should you live with your ex for the sake of your child?

A Date: I define a date as two people (with romantic interest or attraction) spending time together with the intention of getting to know each other better. I think a date can come in several forms. The traditional Dinner-and-a-Movie-On-a-Saturday-Night notwithstanding, meeting one another for drinks after work, going to a museum, or shooting pool at a local bar, to name a few, are all dates to me. During our discussion this morning, I was told that those activities are not “dates.” It was explained to me that those activities are actually defined as “hanging out.” According to some people over here, a date is a formalized meeting that is meant to go toward something romantically greater.

Hanging Out: To me, a hangout and a date are the exact same things. I never knew there was a difference. Apparently, I’ve rarely dated – so say some of my fellow staff members. According to them, my interaction with women has been limited to nothing but hanging out. I need to consult my fiancée and see what she thinks.

Dating: Now, this is where the difference is to me, and where some confusion lies with others. I define “dating” as something with a notion of exclusivity. This is the point where both parties have come to an understanding of where they stand with one another. At this stage, the couple is seen out in public with one another. Everyone associates the two of you as a couple. Both of them know one another’s friends and family. In other words, you are officially “going steady.” LOL.

Kicking it: This is no commitment-driven interaction when two people are kicking it. Some people call it “jumping off” or being “F*ck Buddies,” but call it whatever you want – it’s just a relationship that is based on good times. Casual, 100%. Generally, you don’t share your hopes and dreams with this type of relationship. There are no springtime picnics or expensive dinners in SoHo. It’s a temporary involvement based on convenience. The problem with this is that, most of the time, one of the parties involved is disillusioned. They don’t know the parameters of the relationship. They think they can move up in the hierarchy. Sometimes it happens, but most of the time it does not. Then hearts get broken, and tires get slashed.

What do you all think? I want to know how you define what a Date (or Dating) is.

Here’s how our other relationship blogger, Anslem Samuel, defines relationships.

What about when it comes time to meet your significant other’s friends?

For the last 2 years of my life, I have had a crush on one of my past flames. We never officially dated, but like I mentioned earlier, I still have feelings for him. It has been two years since I’ve last talked to him, and I feel like I am wasting my time. There is no one that I can really talk to about my issue, but you seem like you tell it like it is and not what someone wants to hear. I want to know if I should contact him and tell him how I feel, or should I just let go and let God? I really need a man’s opinion about this.

Kareem Says:

Call him. Call him as soon as you finish reading this post. My grandfather always said, “you can’t afford to win if you can’t afford to lose.” He was a gambler and alcoholic, but wise like Yoda.

But seriously… I mean, what do you really have to lose? One of two things will happen. He will be happy that you called and has been thinking the same about you all this time. Or he will reject you, and your feelings will be hurt for a little, but you will get over it.

As a man, we always have to deal with the fear of rejection when approaching a woman. Time for you to experience the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. LOL.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

Hate being in the “Friend Zone”? Here are a few ways to get out of it.

Not sure if you guys are “just friends” or not? Take the Friend Test.

I’m 21 years old, no children, work two jobs, in school and paying my own tuition, and beautifully built with a gorgeous face to go with it. However, I’m still single, and I swear it hurts my heart. No matter how much I try to convince myself that my “Mr. Right” will come along, the more I realize that fantasy might not ever come true. I’m told I’m too much like a guy, and I think that’s partly because I don’t ever ask men for anything, but I figure that’s why I’m working two jobs. Well, the pattern is always the same. I meet someone, things seem to be going pretty well, we clown around and just have fun, we are affectionate, and all of the other good things, not necessarily sex, and then bam – I don’t hear anything from them for about a week, then they call and about 3 or 4 days later, like it’s just nothing at all. I just break it off because I notice the change, and I end up in the boat of being heartbroken because I’m left wondering, “what the hell is wrong with me?” Then about a month or so later, the guy will call thanking me for helping me see their future in a clearer light and they have a girlfriend that they love ohhh so much and then they wanna talk about us being great friends and some of them end up fussing with their current girlfriends because they won’t break off their friendship with me. I’m like hell, if you like me that much, why aren’t we together?

I want to be a relationship, not just a friendship. I mean, I have enough friends to last at least two lifetimes. I’m ready for my significant other. I’m tired of being alone and I want to settle down, but I refuse to just settle for anything with two legs and testicles. HELP – WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!!?!?!?!?

Kareem Says,

I get the “Why can’t I find a man?” question all the time. Generally, it comes from a woman in her mid-twenties and up. At 21 years old, I personally think you are too young to be looking for “The One.” Right now you should be dating, hanging out with friends, GETTING A DEGREE, and planning your career. A husband should be on the back burner. At 21, you don’t even know who you are yet. You are still in discovery mode. How can you really be with someone long-term when you don’t know yourself yet?

As far as anyone looking for “The ONE”: I think you should stop looking and let it find you. If you are out, actively dating and meeting new people, he will find you. I recently got engaged. Neither my fiancee nor I were looking for marriage. At least, I know I wasn’t! LOL! But everything happened naturally and organically. It will for you, too, when you least expect it.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

Why do the guys you like always go to other women for long-term relationships? Steve Harvey says you might not be setting the right standards.

How is YOUR relationship defined?

This is for a friend of mine. She has been dating a guy for 22 years and they were engaged. She found out he was cheating and broke up with him. He ended up marrying the woman he cheated with and divorcing her. He got into many relationships that failed and continues to do this. However, throughout the years, all of the women who have come into his life have always known about her. Recently, in 2005, they tried dating again. He took her with him to pick out a 3-bedroom house (the one she liked), put her name on the insurance of one of his cars, and then took her to pick out the furniture to go in the house. But when he asked her to move in, she told him no because she didn’t want to shack up – she wanted to be married. So he moved another woman in, but it didn’t work out.
What does this mean?

Kareem Says:

What does this mean? Are you kidding me? Like, are you for real? First off, who dates anyone for 22 years? That’s a freaking lifetime. Hell, it’s more than half my lifetime. Your friend must have an addiction to wasting time. And what type of friend are you to let her keep wasting herself on this dude? MY GOD! This is one of the most ridiculous questions that I’ve been posed. Common sense should dictate this answer. Damn… this dude must have an industrial-sized jackhammer in his pants to be getting away with this crap for two decades.

Kareem.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Did YOUR man cheat? Should you forgive him?

What should you do if you’re the other woman?

Dear Kareem,

Is it possible for a man that has two women to choose to be with the woman who he may have feelings for, but is not in love with, instead of the one who he is in love with… for the sake of less arguing, fighting, and overall drama?

Kareem Says:

This is a hard question to answer because I don’t know the whole scenario. I will do my best with the little bit of info that is provided.

Men choose one woman over the other for a variety of reasons. When we are forced to choose, we subconsciously conduct a Cost Benefit Analysis. We do this in our heads or with our boys. During the Cost Benefit Analysis, several factors are juggled and weighed against one another. Which girl has the biggest ass? Who is freakier in bed? Who makes more money? Which girl is cool enough to hang around my boys? Who has the potential to meet my family? Those a just a few of the biggies.

All those factors are reviewed, and generally the man makes a decision based on the probability of him coming out on top with the most pluses and the least minuses.

Of course, we men are generally stupid and our smaller head trumps common sense, friends, father figures, and all the cost benefit analyses known to man.

So, to answer your question, if he can keep screwing you and the other girl, he will continue to do so. And if he has to chose one, he is going to go for the one that give him the less grief and the most benefits – regardless of love/emotions/etc.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

Are YOU the other woman?

Your boyfriend cheated. Should you forgive him?

Dear Kareem,

I’m a very sensual person, but I keep myself in check. I don’t let my hormones dictate my actions. I met this guy over two months ago, and he’s 9 years younger than me. When my kids (all grown) found out we were on a date one night, they harassed me to come home, so finally, i did. After a couple days of subsequent talking, the guy stopped talking to me completely. He finally said he doesn’t want to cause a problem between me and my kids, but later said he wanted to meet them. Unfortunately, it’s been over a week and he still hasn’t called me. I haven’t slept with him yet. Do i even entertain the suggestion that he meet my kids, or should I move on to the next guy?

Kareem Says:

NO! Why would you let this wishey-washey dude meet your kids? What purpose would it serve? Why are your kids harassing you about what you do? You are grown and so are they. We know what grown people do. Hell, they doing it – or should be. Tell them to get some business.

You said that he’s 9 years younger than you. So let’s say you are 50 – he’d be 41. Why is he still playing games at this age? He should know what to do in a relationship at this point. Don’t let him met your family. If you need him to clear those cobwebs, go for it, but keep it real with him and yourself.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Should you stay with your ex for the sake of your child? Kareem says…..

Okay, I’m a very confused young woman. I don’t understand why my man cheated. He told me it was only one time, but I found out it was more than once. He did it with a family member, but I keep going back, and now he acts brand new, calling me and wanting to spend time. Plus, he just gotta out of jail for the second time this year. Can you help me?

Kareem says:

I think that it is time to do a self-assessment. Let me assist.

You have a man that:

1. Has been to jail two times in the last year.
2. Has had sex with one of your family members.
3. Clearly does not have a career or career ambitions (refer to point #1)
4. Is putting you at risk for a disease because he is promiscuous and a jailbird.
5. Is dumb and has no regard for you as a human being, let alone as a girlfriend.

Time to shift gears and learn to love yourself. You don’t need a man that provides nothing positive. You should read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It’s done wonders for me.

-KJ

Hey Kareem,

My babydaddy is married, but me and him still mess around. He thinks I don’t know that he is married. He never wears his ring around me, and one day he slipped up and had it on when I came to his job. I looked at his hand a second time, and it was off. He always tells me he still has feelings for me, and even though I try to shake him, I can’t. What should I do?
Kareem Says,

Sweetie, I think you need to stop sleeping with a married man. He clearly chose to be with someone else besides you. He may still have feelings for you, or feelings for your vagina, but eventually this is going to blow up and end badly – with either you, his wife, or your child being hurt by his infidelity. I think you need to call him out on his marriage. You are playing the dummy role by not acknowledging what is clearly in your face. Which is: HE IS MARRIED AND STILL LIKES TO KEEP YOU AS THE SIDE PIECE. YOU ARE EASY AND CONVENIENT.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com

Being the other woman sucks. See how Kareem solves another mistress’ problem here.

Should you live with your ex if he’s the father of your child? Get Kareem’s opinion here.

Hey Kareem,

I been dating this guy for the last 5 months. We have a great relationship. He’s met my family and friends and vice-versa. Everything is all good… except he won’t go down on me. We talked about it a few times, and he says it’s not his thing. He says he has tried it before but prefers not to do it. But then he expects me to go down on him. I don’t mind doing it, but damn – return the favor! Its starting to bother me. All my other partners have loved doing it to me, except him. What do I do?

Kareem Says:

TELL HIM TO EAT THE BOX OR KICK ROCKS!!! I can’t believe that there are still grown men out here that still inhibit themselves like that. Listen, if he is not satisfying you 100% you may have to call it quits. Every person has an absolute requirement list. If he is not meeting your needs or is willing to try to meet your needs, get out while you are still ahead.

Also, don’t get in the habit of comparing him to former lovers. That will lead to some other B.S.

Got a question for Kareem? Send him an email at kareem.jenkinsnyc@gmail.com!

Kareem is full of good, honest advice! Read other problems he’s solved here.

Can’t have real sex? Have phone sex!

Dear Kareem,

It’s been a week and I have not heard from him yet. We have texted one another a few times but no conversation. A friend of mine says that we had sex too soon and now he thinks I’m a slut. What do you think? Did we move too fast?

Kareem Says:

Moving too fast totally depends on what type of guy he is. All men differ in their gauging of what a slut is. Here are a couple examples:

1) Some men judge women by the time it takes to sleep with them. You two talked over the phone for a while, but you slept with him on the first night that you hung out. This may not sit well with him. Men like a little challenge and intrigue. Giving up the cookies on day one generally nixes that.

2) Some men also judge a woman by what transpired during the sex. Like if he came on your face, or if he got in all 3 holes on the first night – he may deem you a slut/whore. Again, it depends on him.

I always tell women that they lose their biggest bargaining chip when they have sex with a man. Because ultimately, that is our biggest driver. Someone once told me that “Women give sex for love, and men give love for sex.” I think that is so true.

Don’t spend too much time or energy on what he thinks of you. Take this as a lesson learned. No matter how it turns out.

-Kareem J.

Need male advice? Kareem will tell it to you straight. Email your questions to Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Hi Kareem,

I am a 29-year-old single female in NYC, and I thought I’d found the one. We have been dating for about 2, almost 3 months now and things have been wonderful. We have spent time with each other and have really grown to like each other as friends and are ready to become lovers. One night last week I decided to invite him over to my place for an intimate dinner… after which I planned on making our relationship physical. Things started to get hot and heavy and then he dropped the bomb on me. As I was on top of this man… kissing him all over… ready to give myself to him physically… he announces to me that he is HIV positive. I have never gotten dressed so quickly in my life!! I yelled and screamed because I could not believe he kept that from me. I kicked him out of my house and told him never to call me again. Now I feel terrible. Did I overreact?
Kareem Says:

I think you overreacted. He has probably been dealing with this for quite some time. I’m sure that he does not feel comfortable divulging this information to everyone. Having this disease has probably made him feel isolated and alone, and I’m sure that dating you has been therapeutic for him.

The fact that he chose to tell you means a lot. He wanted you to know his situation before anything physical transpired. Your yelling and screaming was based on fear (and perhaps ignorance) about HIV.

On the other hand, he should have told you his situation in a non-sexual moment. That probably would have lessened your initial shock. I think you should call him and discuss your thoughts and feelings about what transpired.

-KJ

Dear Kareem,

My ex-boyfriend/baby father and I broke up several months ago, but we still live together. Originally I was just staying with him until I could get my own place, but a few weeks ago I packed up my stuff to leave because I have not been able to accept our break up and I can’t deal with the fact that he is dating. Upon me leaving he got very upset because he wanted us to continue be “roommates” for the time being for the sake of our child. We still sleep together (which I know is really bad), and for the most part we’ve been getting along, save a few arguments here and there. Lately I’ve been feeling like he’s benefiting from all of this because he still has me living with him and our child, but he’s still out doing him. It’s not right – it was his choice to end the relationship, not mine. I really feel like I should move because it’s not like we’re going to live together forever, but I’m hit with the reality of our child potentially living in a split home. Some people say I should stay for our child, and some say I should go for my own sanity. What should I do?

Kareem Says:

He is having his cake and eating it too. He is totally winning. He has the comfort of home and family – but since you all are not technically together, he can date, sleep around, etc. If you all are doing this “arrangement” for the sake of the kid, you should not be sleeping together. What if he brings you back an STD from one of his new partners? What if you two make a mistake and get pregnant again? Is any of that worth it? Your child will eventually sense the angst and discontent within your relationship, and that wont be good for him. Leave now. Take your child and work out visitation with the father.

Dear Kareem,

My husband left me for another woman 14 years ago. After being single for a few years, I met a man who said he was married, but separated. I was into him, but kept my distance because I didn’t want to be like my ex-husband’s mistress. Eventually he and I slept together to “get it out of our system,” but this turned into a routine thing and now he’s back together with his wife. I don’t want to admit to him that i have strong feelings for him at this point, but I do. Now, after chasing me for so long, he’s gone from sprung to not even calling me for lengthy periods. Why pursue me just to get back with your wife, disappear, then come back to me when you feel like it? He’s even told me he loves me once, but I never returned the sentiment. What do i do?

Kareem Says:

Sweetie, you are officially a mistress/other woman/side piece/Jump Off. He has gone back to his wife. Which means he is not separated any longer. Apparently, they have worked out their issues. You may have developed feelings, but you are playing second fiddle. If you are hoping that he is going to leave her and get with you, you are wasting your time and energy. He has had ample time to make a play for you.

It’s as simple as that! Do YOU have any relationship questions? Kareem will tell it to you straight. Email him your woes at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Dear Kareem,

My fiance and I are about to get married in the next few weeks. He has some shady friends and I know they are planning his bachelor party. I don’t want him to have one, primarily because of his friends, and I know what goes on at those things. Would I be wrong to tell him no, and demand that he cancel it?

Kareem Says:

You can’t tell him no. Most men have a problem with “No.” You demanding him to cancel may lead to him resenting you or his boys clowning him. The only thing you can do is voice your concern in an amiable type of way. If you are concerned that his friends may encourage him to get his last “taste” at the party, don’t be… they can do that without needing a bachelor party involved.

Want some of Kareem’s good, honest advice? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Dear Kareem,

My boyfriend is still friends with his ex girlfriend. Granted they dated YEARS ago and nothing is going on, but they talk about OUR relationship and she told him we’re not right for each other. Should I knock this bitch out? Because I feel like she is playing me.

Kareem Says…

I think you need to talk to your man. Violence is never the answer. You ever see that Dave Chappelle skit, “When keeping it real goes wrong?” Is this worth a trip to county? Don’t succumb to the dumb sh!t.

Tell him that this is bothering you. It’s really disrespectful that he is telling your business to his ex anyway. It’s even more disrespectful that she says you are not right for him. Who made her an expert? Apparently, she wasn’t right for him, either. She may be trying to circle back and rekindle whatever they had years ago.

A lot of people like to play the “waiting game.” That’s when the relationship ends, but they take it in stride and suggest that both parties remain “friends.” Eventually after dating ups and downs, some bad decisions, and a few late night reminiscing sessions, the couple gets back together.

Put a halt to it all now.

Do YOU have a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Hey Kareem:

My husband is a musician, and he’s about to go on a three-month tour. What can I do beforehand, or even while he gone, to make sure he doesn’t stray???? We’ve been together for 17 years and are still very much in love, but I just want to make sure I’m on my P’s and Q’s and no other woman can entice my man while he’s missing me! So far we’ve decided to make love everyday before he leaves. What else can I do?

Signed,
Already Missing My Babe

Kareem Says:

This is a tough one. There is really no guarantee that he will not cheat. Musicians are like pro ball players and politicians – they attract whores. Three months is a long time for any man to go without sex. But a 17-year relationship is even longer. Since you all are very much still in love, I think that your bond will suppress his desire to do his thing. Is there any way you can take some vacation time to meet up with him on the road? That would be good for the relationship and will curb any of his urges to step out.

Got a question for Kareem? Email him at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com!

Dear Kareem,

My best friend recently forwarded me the invitation for my ex’s baby shower. We were together for 6 years and I have not spoken to her in at least a year. I ended the relationship because I thought it was going nowhere and I needed to be single. When I saw the Evite, I feel compelled to email or call my ex. My boys think this is a bad idea. Mind you, I have no interest or love for her anymore – I am newly married and very happy – but I still want to reach out to her. What do you think?

Kareem Says:

I think you really need to think about why you want to contact her. Are you really happy for her and you just want to congratulate her on impending motherhood? Or are you being nosy and want find out if she is married, who the baby daddy is, etc.? Also consider this: YOU broke it off with HER, and she may not be 100% over you (6 years is a long time, buddy!), and now you are married to the woman that followed her? It may hurt or depress her. Just a thought. I personally would not reach out. Also, I don’t know how your wife is, but she may get pissed if she finds that you are communicating with your ex. Why bring BS home? I’d let the past be and wish her the best if you happen to run into her.

Hey guys and girls, got a question for Kareem? Hit him up at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com.

Dear Kareem…

I’m a 29-year-old woman and I’ve been dating the same guy for 4 years. The relationship has never been smooth, and it’s always been a challenge getting him to commit. He’s a man that loves his freedom. Not that he’s cheated (to my knowledge), but breaking up was always the first option in relationships. Well, recently I’ve met another man that is unhappily married (so he says). We are beyond compatible and I’m finding myself gaining interest in him and losing interest in my not-so-compatible boyfriend. Long story short, I am in limbo between someone I know probably isn’t my best match, and someone that is a great match with the exception of the ball and chain. What should I do?

Kareem says:

Ok, so I am going to keep it 100 in this answer. I would bet my left nut that your current man is or has stepped out during the course of your relationship. If you all are breaking up over and over and he likes his “freedom,” he is probably getting it in elsewhere. I’ve done it, and all my boys have too. It’s bullshit we do. Sorry to break it to you.

If by some miracle he is not tricking off on you… Leave him. Who needs the headache of breaking up to make up? Life is too short, and you can’t make something work that clearly does not.

As far as the married dude – don’t play yourself. Don’t be the bench player hoping to become a starter. Most of the time it won’t happen. He may be unhappily married, but if he has not left as of yet, he may not at all. He may be comfortable dealing with wifey’s BS at home, but keeps a side piece to keep his sanity. Men stay in bad marriages for a variety of reasons – financials, kids, etc. You don’t really know his situation at home, so you may be setting yourself up for failure. If you are comfortable kicking it with him and playing the “waiting game,” based on your initial chemistry, go for it. But let’s say he does become your man. When you all have rough patches (all relationships do), will you worry that he will step out on you too?

Got a relationship question for Kareem? Hit him up at Kareem.JenkinsNYC@gmail.com!