We’ve all experienced them. They are lurking in corners; they appear to be totally normal, cute, charming, even gentlemanly. But underneath that façade is a darting tongue or a saliva-producing factory masquerading as a mouth. As a young, ‘alcoholically active’ woman, I have discovered a fair amount of bad kissers. I have created this list in the hope to either commiserate with my fellow woman who has smiled politely after coming up from air, while she is really thinking, ‘I AM DROWNING HERE!,’ or to the ignorant man, who believes the more saliva the better… please, for all single women out there: just stop. Read. And learn.
1. The Darty Snake
You know who you are. You are the man who has been genetically cursed with a skinny tongue, but what’s worse is that you don’t diminish this genetic misfortune. For whatever reason, possibly because some woman, somewhere, told you it was great. She was lying to you. Do you think it is pleasurable to quickly dart your rigor mortis-ly stiff tongue in and out of our mouths like it was on fire!? For the record, this is not good. It usually results in women gasping – not because you took their breath away, Casanova, but probably because they are trying to make themselves pass out. Sorry.
Tip: Relax and slow down! It isn’t a race to the finish line, and if it was, with that technique, you won’t even be a contestant.
2. “Hello, I’m Drowning Here!”
Listen: prior to you picking me up, I bathed myself; at 22 years old, it’s something I can do alone, thank you very much. So why do you insist on re-showering the lower portion of my face in YOUR hot, probably bacteria-infested spit? I know you think you are being all passionate and man hungry, but what this kiss really entices me to do is definitely not you; it makes me want to shower and extensively exfoliate my face! Please, breath and swallow some of your spit, so I don’t have to.
Tip: Dial it down. I know you’re really into me, but show it in a different way, like asking out on a second date and actually calling within the respectable three-day period. No need to swallow my face or try to lap up my chin like a Labrador retriever.
3. Excuse me, Do You Have a Pulse?
Once you get lip-to-lip with your date, the battle is not won. The last signal you want to send your date is that she is boring you. This is why it is crucial for you not to just put your tongue into her mouth and then literally be considered a candidate for life support. Look, I know you bought dinner and all, but come on – be the guy!
Tip: Just be excited that you are kissing! Don’t flake out once you get to kiss her; put a little effort forth.
4. You are not Vidal Sassoon
A little hands in my hair is sexy, but let’s not ruin a good thing. Again, as in Case #2, I already bathed and styled my hair; I don’t need you getting seizures in your hands and messing it up. This especially applies when it is just a goodnight kiss; we aren’t taking off our clothes with the doorman standing right there, so reign in your hands’ urges to feel every inch of my scalp.
Tip: Good passion, just know when to apply it.
5. Hey, We Aren’t Making a Porn Here
Although there is nothing more important than a dirty mind a little spice later in your relationship, don’t go balls-out on that first kiss. Creativeness and passion are definite plusses, but try to reserve the lip biting and tonsil hockey for kisses to come; think cashmere sweater, not pleather corset.
Hopefully this list made you feel like you are not the only one who has kissed a few toads. If you are a toad, please, practice: on your arm, your weirdly sexually-open friend, whoever! Just get better, so us ladies can start kissing some Prince Charmings.
Do you have any kissing tips? Let us know!