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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’ve been reading your posts on HelloBeautiful & Bossip for a while now and I was hoping you could give me some advice.
Me & “Brian” have been best friends since 8th grade. There was always a certain attraction between us in high school, but we never acted on it and we were almost never single at the same time. Now, years later we’re both college bound. I’ve been in a long term relationship with “Sam,” and Brian just recently broke up with his girlfriend of one year. As per tradition whenever one of us needs some time to bish and vent about our ex I took him out to drown his sorrows.
He gets drunk and starts going on about how he always loved me and I was the one girl he couldn’t risk losing, and he was afraid that things would never be the same if we got together and broke up. I had to listen in stunned silence as I drove him home. He passed out and I left. I love my best friend. Always will, but I’m not IN LOVE with him. I haven’t felt that way about him since I met Sam.
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Sam trusts me and Brian. Out of all my relationships Sam is the only guy who isn’t threatened by our friendship. I used to joke that Brian & I are like Callie Torres and Mark Sloan without the sex. Now, things are awkward and his confession has been the elephant in the room ever since that night. We can’t pretend it never happened because I KNOW he remembers…but IDK how to let him down without losing my BFF. A part of me thinks I should tell Sam what was said because I know I’d be PISSED if he remained close with a girl that’s in love with him behind my back. But, my other half is loyal to my friend of 8+ years and if there’s a way we can get past this I’d rather forget it ever happened.
I don’t want to be newly single and I don’t want to date my best friend. Brian has always been my partner in crime, and rock through any and everything. What should I do? I don’t want to lose either one of them. – Admittedly Selfish
Dear Ms. Admittedly Selfish,
Welp, you are partly the blame for Brian’s confessional and long internal crush never realized. You stated in your letter that there was always a certain attraction between you ever since high school, but you two never acted on it because neither of you were single at the same time. Which means that if you two were ever single at the same time then perhaps there would have been a chance for you two to get together. Did you ever tell your boyfriend, “Sam,” about that? I figured you didn’t. Why would you?
You told your boyfriend that Brian is your BFF and that you don’t see him sexually or romantically, thus which explains your dilemma of whether or not you should tell your boyfriend and risk the chance of losing him. You lied to him from the beginning. You were not honest and up front with him since you’ve been together, and if you tell him the truth now then there is the chance you will lose your relationship. So, you put all of these people in an awkward situation, which explains your awkwardness, and why you signed your letter “Admittedly Selfish.”
You want to maintain your friendship with Brian, and act as if nothing ever happened. Well, Ms. Thang, you can’t ignore the elephant in the room, so grow the hell up and have a serious face-to-face conversation with Brian. Let him know that you love him, but not love as in a relationship and romantic love, but that you love him as a friend. Be honest with him and tell him the truth. Avoiding it will only continue to make the situation and your relationship more awkward and strained. Why keep avoiding it? You want to create more tension between you two?
And, you do owe your boyfriend an explanation. I feel you need to be honest and tell him what happened. You lied to him from the beginning, and continued to cover up that lie about the depth of you and Brian’s feelings since high school. Yes, your feelings have changed, and the dynamics of you and Brian’s relationship changed, but, obviously Brian didn’t get the memo. You never told him, or shared with him how you authentically and truly felt. So, that is why he felt the need to pour his heart out to you. Now, you’ve got to do some cleaning up, and you’ve got to be honest with your boyfriend and let him the truth. Let him know that over time your feelings and emotions changed about Brian. You don’t see Brian in that manner, and that you are not interested in being with him romantically. Like you said, if you discovered that your boyfriend’s female friend confessed her feelings to him you would be upset if he never said anything to you. So, now that the shoe is on the other foot why are you holding out? Hmmmm, yeah, karma is a bish, and if you don’t say anything and come clean the truth will reveal itself, and it won’t be pretty when your boyfriend finds out the truth.
Yes, your boyfriend may be upset that you were not honest with him, but you created this situation. You contributed to this, so be woman enough to bite the bullet and deal with the consequences. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will listen and take everything in, and ask you where you stand today with Brian. He will probably not want you hanging around Brian any longer because no man would want his woman around another man who has feelings for his woman. So, there is a chance you will have to pull back on your friendship. But, that also, too, depends on what your conversation is with Brian after you confront him and tell him how you honestly feel. He will tell you he understands and respects you and Sam’s relationship, but the truth of the matter is that he will always harbor feelings for you. The secrets out. So, either way you are going to lose one or the other. Your best friend or your boyfriend. Which do you value most? – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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