There is a huge difference between abuse and discipline. Huge. But of course not all parents agree on where to draw the line.
There’s another (I say another because this trend is getting out of hand) viral video floating around the internet of a father beating his 13-year-old daughter after he thought she was missing for three days. The video (above) was titled: Pops Wrong Or Needs To Be More Dads Like This? Father Whoops On His 13-Year-Old Daughter Dressed Like Beyonce After Missing For 3 Days…Thought She Was Off In The Woods Dead Somewhere! The little girl showed up on screen, after supposedly disappearing, wearing a little black dress that prompted someone out of the frame to hurl insults at her like “hoe” as her father grabbed her hair and beat her with what appeared to be a belt.
There’s a few issues here.
I’m not here for public videos showcasing fed up parents beating their children, no matter their offense. For a kid to understand the effectiveness of a spanking, there has to be a level of trust with the parent and after the child has gotten spanked, there should be a clear understanding of what they did wrong. That would require having a chat with a child about their wrongdoings, at some point. Once the punishment becomes public social fodder, and humiliation is used, that trust between the parent and a child can easily be broken.
This 13-year-old girl, no matter what she did while she was away for three days, has trust issues with her father. Wherever she was, she felt like she wasn’t able to talk to her father. Many teenagers feel this way about their parents. It’s these pivotal adolescent years that change us. We go from bright-eyed bushy-tailed optimists to angry know-it-alls who finally see that our parents aren’t perfect. This realization manifests in different ways for different teens.
It’s fair to say that this particular 13-year-old girl was acting out. She needs her father. She needs guidance. She needs support. She needs love. I realize that this child’s self-esteem is very important and her father’s public beating (and let’s not forget the very vocal heckling during the beating) will not ever solve anything. In fact, it’ll likely create more problems. This child might just call up whoever it is that she was with for those three days, just to feel like she has someone who cares about her.
If your 13-year-old disappeared for three days and reappeared in a skimp outfit–what would you do? I polled three fathers, each of them have daughters. Here’s what they had to say:
A 40-something father of one son and one daughter:
“You can’t raise a teenager and not give them any type of freedom because they will just rebel. You gotta give that girl a hug. She went out for three days, she’s obviously with a man or a boy. She’s dressed sexually provocative and that’s where she gets her value from because people say, ‘Oh you look hot…’ She’s in a vulnerable, bad place. She left home, so she doesn’t give a sh*t.
Somebody has a pull on her that her parents haven’t been able to replicate or respect. She was out looking for love. The first thing you can do to combat that, is give her a hug. If she knows she’s going to get her ass beat, then she was probably like, ‘Let me call my boyfriend, he’ll give me a hug.’ Somebody’s going to give the girl a hug. I’d rather it be man than the other man.
The easiest thing for a man to hear is when your girl calls you and says, ‘My father’s an asshole. I have to get out of here.’ Then he knows he’s got her. You don’t even have to take her anywhere. She’s just happy that you showed up for her at all.
I think there are misbehavior that justify ridiculous punishment and totally embarrass a parent because they’re at their wit’s end, but it doesn’t get you the result. It depends on the kid. Some kids are sensitive to getting beatings and it affects them. They respond to it.
If a kid goes bad, that’s my fault as a parent. How can you blame a 13-year-old? Who’s fault is that? We’ve all made mistakes. At some point your knowing better will kick in.
We don’t love our kids enough. We don’t listen to them enough.”
A 40-something father of two daughters:
“She was missing for three days. I would probably think about doing this, but I wouldn’t do it. I’d break a table, not her. It doesn’t help. It just pushes her away again. Beating her with a belt doesn’t help. She would never leave the house again. She’d be on lockdown.
He was trying to embarrass her. There’s a pattern of that happening now.”
A 40-something father of one daughter and one son:
“I thought the beating was excessive. If my daughter was missing for three days, I’d be angry, but I’d be more relieved she was alive. Clearly, if she felt she could leave for three days at that age, there’s something going on at home. He needs to beat himself because he lost control a long time ago.
I understand the whole public shaming now, but you’re really exposing yourself as a parent more than anything when you do that. As a father, I wouldn’t want people to see that my daughter was dressed like that. So you want to shame her and beat her, but what does that say about you? My first instinct is like, ‘Ok, she’s alive.’ I want to cover her up, bring her into the house and then I don’t know what I might do. Her mom might beat her ass, but he was too much.
That was disrespectful. She had no business being out of her house for three days. I’m not in the camp of don’t hit your kids, but you have to understand that once you do it, the less effective it is. I’ve hit my son once in 11 years and he knew when he got it that one time, he deserved it and he’s never done it again. Multiples times and it’s like, ‘Dad’s gonna beat me again.'”
Now it’s your turn to chime in. Is a father spanking their daughter in this scenario appropriate? Do you think spanking is an effective way to teach a kid how to do the right thing? Let’s chat! @Rhapsodani
Check Out This List Of Celebs Who Survived Domestic Violence:
Rihanna and her on-again, off-again boyfriend Chris Brown had a very public breakup and domestic violence dispute in 2009. He was 19 and she was 20.
2. Kelly Rowland
In her song "Dirty Laundry", Kelly Rowland revealed for the first time ever about an abusive relationship in her past. She talks about verbal abuse and her abusive boyfriend turning her against her mother and sister, saying “Nobody love you more than me. Not your mommma, not your Daddy and not B.”
3. Tamar Braxton
Tamar admitted that she had “two boyfriends that like to beat up girlfriends” on “Braxton Family Values.” She’s gone on to say she has no regrets because those abusive relationships helped build her self-esteem and led to her marriage to Vince.
4. Halle Berry
“I saw my mother battered, and could not do anything to stop it – my father was tyrannical, lashing out at her for no reason. I felt the effects that had on our family — I’ve experienced what these women have gone through,” Berry said during a 2009 interview. “I never had to run to a shelter, but I did choose the wrong partners. Not always good men. Luckily, in recent years, I have been smart enough to hit the door when violence even becomes a possibility. That is something I will not tolerate.”
5. Claudette Ortiz
“I noticed that I think happened with me at that time, your worth is broken down, so in some situations you don’t realize the avenues that you do have to get out,” The songstress said during an interview with Hello Beautiful. “In other situations its hard to get out. People view it as ‘oh girl you can get out of that situation’ but its not that easy. When you’re afraid and then there are not that many options especially with women who are involved. I didn’t have any children with him so, thank God. Women who have children with their abusers, it’s even harder, you don’t want to remove the children, its embarrassing to some women, and then sometimes people have their opinions on how you should be handling something. Most of the time its people who have never been in the situation.”
6. Robin Givens
Givens has been very vocal about her violent marriage to former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson.
7. Tina Turner
Tina Turner first opened up about her story of brutal physical abuse by ex-husband Ike Turner in her memoir, I, Tina: My Own Story.
8. Evelyn Lozada
Evelyn Lozada described her domestic dispute and divorce from former husband Chad Johnson as the darkest days of her life.
9. K. Michelle
Although some people have doubted K. Michelle’s story, the reality star and singer stands by her truth. “I had people send me hate, send me Tweets and do things to me, like I was the one who did it to myself,” she said. “I think a lot of women don’t tell their story, and men, just because you don’t know what people are going to say to you. And more and more, women are coming forward. And I think, if you go through that, you have to use it to help other people. You have to be strong.” Today, she has a partnership with the Saving Our Daughters nonprofit.
10. Whitney Houston
The late Whitney Houston detailed her abusive marriage to Bobby Brown during a 2009 interview with Oprah Winfrey. “He slapped me, but he was on probation for traffic violations,” she said. “You can’t slap somebody if you’re on probation. It went to domestic violence court.”
11. Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey talked about her abusive relationship with Tommy Mottola (1993-1998) during an interview with Larry King. “Abuse has several categories… emotionally, mentally, in other ways. It’s scary,” she said. “I just think you get into a situation and you feel locked in… For me to really get out of it was difficult because there was a connection that was not only a marriage, but a business where the person was in control of my life.”
12. NeNe Leakes
In her book "Never Make the Same Mistake Twice: Lessons on Love and Life Learned the Hard Way", NeNe tackles her painful childhood, the abuse she suffered at the hands of a violent boyfriend, her struggle to support her firstborn son, and her path to true love, self-acceptance, and pride. Additionally she founded The Twisted Hearts Foundation, an advocacy project that aims to make people aware about the issue of domestic violence against women.
13. Gabrielle Union
Actress Gabrielle Union has spoken publicly in the past about the attack she suffered while working the night shift at a shoe store in California when she was 19 years old. She tweeted about her own rape, saying, "Every victim/survivor of rape is unique, including how they THINK they'd like justice 2 be handed out ... During my rape I tried 2 shoot my rapist, bt I missed. Over the yrs I realized tht killin my rapist would've added insult 2 injury."
R&B singer Michel’le revealed that she was beaten by producer Dr. Dre during the course of their 90′s relationship. The domestic violence in the six year relationship (1990-1996) with Dre was apparently “very public” and she revealed she even had to have her black eyes covered in a few of her videos. She thought that it was part of a normal relationship and she saw the abuse as love.
15. Latoya Jackson
La Toya opens up about her abusive relationship with her manager and ex husband Jack Gordon in her reality series "Life With La Toya". She revealed that 'My spouse locked me in the closet ... he would beat me.' 'I knew that one day, I would be able to escape and brush myself off. That is what this show is about. It’s an extension of that and living the life you want to live.'
16. Cicely Tyson
Cicely Tyson married legendary jazz trumpeter Miles Davis on November 26, 1981, and they were married for three-and-a-half years. Davis’ physical and emotional abuse of Tyson has been a source of great frustration for many. And it was said that Miles also abused Francis Davis, a Broadway dancer who gave up her career to be with him.
17. Erica Mena
On her relationship with Fat Joe’s best friend Raoul, the father of her son & the video that exposed the demise of the relationship: "What you see with us is just me basically finally defending myself. It was a really a bad time. I was parting ways with that relationship and I thought I had moved on, but before you know it I was being attacked as if I was still in the relationship. It was seven years of it. It’s been a long journey for me."
18. Christina Aguilera
Christina has admitted that her Army Sergeant father Fausto made life hell for her family and she used music as an escape from the trauma of her beatings. She said: "I witnessed a lot of unpleasant things - a lot of pushing and shoving and fighting and quarrelling. Growing up I did not feel safe. Feeling powerless is the worst feeling in the world. I turned to singing as an outlet. The pain at home is where my love for music came from."
19. Keke Wyatt
"R&B Divas" star Keke Wyatt left her first husband and road manager Rahmat Morton after years of abuse, and even a miscarriage. She is also known for stabbing her ex-husband in self-defense. She is now married to Michael Ford.
20. Jaslene Gonzalez
"America's Next Top Model" winner Jaslene Gonzalez revealed her history with domestic violence on the reality show. She partnered with Liz Claiborne for the "Love Is Not Abuse" campaign, to inspire domestic violence victims to seek help.
21. Lisa Wu
Former "Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Lisa Wu spoke candidly about a violent relationship, most associate with ex-husband Keith Sweat. She said her mission was not to expose, but to show women that life can get better. Although she married Ed Hartwell, the couple have since divorced.