Sitting down for a candid interview with Marie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous.”
The shocker is honestly not that The Onion did this (because satire is what they do), but that so many people actually believed that this conversation happened and that Michelle Obama would be this loose-lipped about her sex life with the POTUS.
Check out some of the raciest fake quotes and the public’s reaction to them:
“ Sometimes I’ll leave my heels on, and other times I’ll come out of the shower and Barack will be already lying in bed, naked.”
“ Sometimes we’ll just do oral, or we’ll only use our hands. Anything that breaks the routine.”
“We’ve started playing around with choking. And if it gets too rough, I just tell him to slow down. Slow can be really good.”
“The thing is, Barack was always extremely sexual. But it was like we decided that the book was closed. We quit checking in, we let go of trying to make our sexual goals happen. For example, it had been a long time since I had a vaginal orgasm, and that used to be something that was really important to Barack—for me to get there.”
“I remember I actually stopped masturbating for a while, because I started to feel like a less sexual, less desired person altogether.”
“We’ve been watching a lot of porn together, too, which is also a big turn-on…I don’t come every time, that’s just how it’s always been with me, but Barack’s learning not to take it out on himself when I don’t have an orgasm.”
“We use our time apart to rev up our engines. Barack knows I like to be bossed around, so before he went to Europe for the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership a few months ago, he said I wasn’t allowed to touch myself until he got back. That was really hot. And during this government shutdown he’s been using me as a release, and sometimes being used in bed—being treated like an object—is really sexy, you know?”
“I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband.”
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