I remember being instantly transported into the twilight zone after reading an email a few years back from an ex who shared that he recently proposed to his new girlfriend. He revealed that he was to join his bride to be in the opposite end of the country to start their new life together. It. Stung. Like. Hell.
Surprisingly I managed to get over the news quickly and focused my attention on the relationship I was in at the time. I found that this became somewhat of a cycle, I would date someone and after the relationship ended they came across the woman of their dreams. I’m not saying these matches made in heaven lasted very long, only in one case, but I couldn’t help but notice that I was not the one getting chose.
Coincidentally, I also noticed that I would get so immersed in these relationships that I had no me time. See, it’s not that I didn’t follow any of the millions of dating rules, handbook, manuals, or Youtube videos of dating gurus who seem to pop up by the minute *sarcastic*; it was my perception of relationships and myself.
I can’t lie, I wanted so badly to be chosen or to get chose that it was all I could think about. Men, the I- leave-the-toilet-seat-up-and-won’t-clean-after-I-aim-poorly, believe it or not are intelligent. They can sense dependency and a lack of self-worth from a mile away. It doesn’t mean that they won’t try to get with you, but they won’t make any real effort to stay.
Think about the last time you went shopping. Do you usually frequent the same set of stores? If so, think about why. I know that I will go back where I’m treated like a human being and not a walking ATM. I like to be left to browse around with a sales associate close by, that to me is respect.
Well bringing it back to the topic, there is no real definite way to avoid becoming the girlfriend before the ring, however it’s impossible to “get chose” until you have chosen yourself. This means exploring the world on your own terms, introducing yourself and the many talents you possess to the world and living fearlessly. By doing this you establish healthier relationships because you understand that space is respectful, space to do you and space to not be dependent on anyone.
It’s not easy being that girl who subconsciously set her ex-boyfriend up with his wife, but it is one hell of a wake-up call and has led to momentous growth as a woman. I date to learn more about myself, and not with the intent of getting chose, anything else is a blessing.
Have you ever been the girlfriend/boyfriend before the ring? How did it make you feel? Why do you think they were chosen over you?
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