“We’re Engaged, But I’m Not Sure I Want To Get Married Because He’s Too Controlling”

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black couple arguingDear Gay Best Friend,

I am engaged to a man that loves me to death. But here’s the thing: We have been dating going on two years and engaged for almost a year. I met him through a mutual friend and we hit it off. He is a single dad of one and I am a single mother of three.

He is very controlling and doesn’t want me to hang out with my best friend. He says I’m his best friend and that we should hang out together. We hang out and we have fun when we do, however, I need that girl time. His job has him working odd hours so it is somewhat hard for us to hang out very much. I am off on weekends, however, he works late on weekends.

I just feel when we get married the controlling will get worse because I will be his wife. He loves me and my children as well as I love his child. Do you think I am making a mistake for wanting to marry someone so controlling? Also when he drinks he gets drunk and starts to talk -ish about different things, such as how he feels about my children’s father and my friends, etc… To me this is how he really feels but won’t say these things unless he has been drinking.  Please help. – Not Sure I Want To Get Married

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Dear Ms. Not Sure I Want To Get Married,

Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!

If your gut and instincts are telling you not to do it, then, Ms. Honey, follow your gut and instincts. They will not, and are not leading you wrong. Trust them. These early indicators of his controlling behavior is a prelude of what your life and marriage will be like, and I’m certain it will only get worse before it gets better. If he’s trying to control who you hang out with now, then, he will definitely control who you hang out with when you get married. And, these indicators are a clear sign that eventually he will want to know what you’re doing when he’s not around, and when you’re doing it. Then, it will be calling you non-stop throughout the day while he’s at work asking where you are and where you’ve been. Then, the stalking will ensue, and the checking of your cell phone, and emails. No ma’am. Get all this checked and in order before you marry him. If not, you’ll be the next victim from, “The Burning Bed.”

But, I want to know if you two have been receiving any marriage counseling, and spiritual counseling before you walk down the aisle? I swear you folks think you’re compatible with someone just because they love your children, and you love theirs, and when you’re in the bed the sex is the bomb. But, what about personalities? What about temperament? What about spiritually, mentally, and emotionally? If you were to bring up this controlling behavior to a therapist or counselor they will tell you the same thing I’m saying, “Hold off on the wedding for now. He needs some intense therapy sessions to get to the root of his controlling behavior.”

Also, I’m like you when folks drink alcohol and get drunk. They start saying things they normally wouldn’t say if they were not under the influence of alcohol. Honey, alcohol is the truth serum, and folks get to feeling invincible and powerful when they drink. They feel they can say and do anything. And, I just sit back and take it all. If he is attacking your friends, and your children’s father, I can only imagine what he will say about you, and your family. Oh, yeah, that will be next after you get married. He’s not crossing that boundary yet, but believe me when I tell you, wait until you’re married. He’s going to get drunk one night and BAM! He’s going to let you know how he feels about your trifling family members, and why he doesn’t want his kids around them.

Honey, I’m telling you to get this under control today, and get into some counseling. Seek out a marriage counselor, and make an appointment today. And, if you have a church home, start taking some spiritual marital sessions with your pastor. All of those red flags blaring over your head are there for a reason. AND, AS I’VE SAID BEFORE, AND I’M GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN – WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIVE THEM! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

     

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