Let me start off by saying that I love you. I look forward to seeing your posts every week, and I love your straight forward approach to things. I’m purchasing Mogul, today (YAY! Finally). But, I want your professional opinion.
I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now. We live together and both work full-time. He has a great family and our families like both of us and both of us together. Well, my sex life sucks monkey balls. Normally you hear men complain about women or their wives not giving it up, well in this instance it’s completely the other way around. We have a 7 year age difference. He’s 30 and I’m 23. He’s never been married nor does he bare any children (other qualities that attracted me to him).
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Well, when it comes to sex, we speak a totally different language. I’m a very sexual and affectionate person (I’m a Scorpio). I love to kiss, touch, etc. Basically do things that people in love and relationships do. Well he’s totally not into any of that. When it comes to kissing, he’s a pecker. When it comes to touching, he doesn’t. I’m an attractive woman so I’ve asked numerous of times is he still attracted to me, and he says yes, but I couldn’t tell from our sex life.
Let me give you two scenarios before we have sex or I attempt to have sex. I’ll ask (Yeah, I can’t believe it either sometimes) if he wants to and he’ll make that, “I don’t care” face. What person do you know does that? Then he’ll be like, “I’m watching TV” or, “I’m tired,” and it takes me getting upset for him to be like, “Oh, alright then,” (I’m like really dude?). Next scenario, we’ll be in bed or on the couch and I’ll initiate by kissing or touching on him and he’s ready in a flash, but when it comes to turning me on or getting me in the mood he does nothing. He expects me to just be ready like that. I tell him that I’m a woman and you have to get me in the mood. It always falls upon deaf ears, so needless to say that I have to use some hand action for myself, then it goes down and 5 minutes later it’s over. I then look at him like let’s go at it again, and he’ll be like, “Let me rest.” I have needs also.
I had a silver bullet that had to suffice when he wouldn’t want to have sex and he was actually jealous of it. He thinks all that is taboo. I asked him how was his sex life with his exes because maybe that’s why they broke up. Everything else is okay in our relationship except our sex lives. I need your advice. Should sex be a reason to stay or leave a relationship? – I Have Needs
Dear Ms. I Have Needs,
Thank you for the love, DIVA! I appreciate it very much! And, I do hope you enjoy your copy of my novel, MOGUL.
But, Baby, talking about incompatibility! Your bodies and sexual desires are on two different pages, in two different books, and in two different genres. You’re an erotica book and he’s a mystery novel. LMBAO!
Unfortunately, sex is the reason why a lot of people end their relationships. They just are not compatible sexually. But, perhaps you should explore all the options before you dip out on your man.
The oddity isn’t unusual. However, it’s rather getting both your needs in sync with one another, and it’s going to take learning one another’s sexual cycles. Yes, I said sexual cycle. There are folks who are like you who very sexual and can go on and on and on and on. Chile, you can get turned on by the wind blowing on your clit or breasts. You’re just ready! However, for him, he’s like most people who are not extremely sexual, and the need and desire for sex is not as important or necessary. So, unfortunately, you have to learn his sexual cycle and when he’s most excited, and most turned on.
Notice the days, and times of day he is usually turned on. Is he an early morning wake-up and get it type of person, or is he a late night before bed type of person? Does he like it mid-day, or in the evening right before the game, or right after? And, when he gets in the mood what is going on? What is the look in his eye, is it right after work, or after he’s had time to settle in? How is his body responding when you are touching him in certain spots and kissing him or fondling him? Also, is your man verbal? Does he like talking or for you to respond to how he’s handling you?
Sometimes setting the mood also helps, but keep in mind that men don’t need the candles, incense, and romantic backdrop for sex to happen, women need all that. But, if you need it, then create it. When he sees it he’ll know that you’re ready for some action. But, maybe and perhaps, he likes whip cream, chocolate syrup, flavored oils, and some music. You guys have got to work together and create the magic you both desire and need.
Sex in relationships is just like verbal communication. You have to talk to one another about your desires, likes, needs, and wants. You have to express to your mate what turns you on, what turns you off, and where to lick, stick, suck, and touch. And, it takes showing them, placing their hands and mouth on the parts that excite you. If you let him know where your spots are, and vice-versa, your sex life will be very vibrant and exciting. But, it takes communicating. When he touches you in a way that excites you, let him know by responding with a noise, or saying, “Yes, daddy, that’s it!” And, work your body in tune with his touches. Pop that punany and back it up on him! Explore new positions – let him put his thang in between your breasts; work your oral skills; try reverse cowgirl; blow bubbles in his a**! You’re a freak, hell, let the freak out!!!
GIRL, YOU’VE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER AND FIND THIS OUT.
And, yes, the age difference does matter. He’s 30-years old and you’re 23-years old. He should still be sexually active, but he is getting older and his sex drive may be declining. You mentioned he has a full-time job. There could be pressures and stresses from work that he is holding on to and it’s affecting his sexual appetite. And, if his job is physically demanding, then I’m certain he doesn’t want to work all day doing manual labor and then have to come home and do more manual labor by handling you and throwing you around the bed, picking you up, carrying you around the house, and acting like a sex maniac.
Also, try spontaneity sex. When he walks in the door, be there waiting on him in the nude, and drop down to your knees and tea bag him. Service him right at the front door. Or, be waiting in the kitchen with only an apron on cooking. Hell, sometimes you’ve got to change the scenery and environment. Have him meet you at a hotel or some discreet location, and when he arrives there you are with only a mink coat on and nothing underneath. Seduce him. Create fantasies, and I’m certain his sexual energy and desire will increase! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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100 Reasons Why I Can't Stop Looking At Blue Ivy
1. Mommy & Me
2. Blue. #May10 #NYC
3. Blue Ivy & Jay Z Sip Tea
Blue is surely the apple of Daddy's eye.
4. Blue Ivy & Beyonce Smell The Roses
Beyonce seems like the coolest mom.
5. Blue Ivy & Beyonce Soar The Big Skies
6. Blue Ivy & Mommy
7. Daddy & Me
Blue Ivy walks across mommy's at-home photoshoot, but it's the most adorable photobomb ever!
9. One Big Happy Family
The royal family, Bey, Jay & Blue are all out shopping and we're sure they spent our entire life's savings in 30 minutes or less.
10. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
Beyonce in these heels though?!
11. Beyoncé & Blue in NYC — Nov. 4
Look at Blue in her adorable little bow!
12. Beyoncé & Blue spotted in NYC — Nov. 4
Blue holding on to mommy for dear life.
13. Beyoncé & Blue spotted in NYC — Nov. 4
Momma Bey looking fierce with her mini me in tow.
14. Blue dressed as Michael Jackson.
15. Blue & Ivy
Just look at that face. Seriously, Jay could never deny this child! She knows how to make all his mean mugs!
16. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
Look at that cutie!
17. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
OMG Blue in a top knot? Yasss!
Blue has grown up to be an adorable toddler! We're swooning over this photo of her playing on the beach.
Looks like Blue is taking a walk in mom's shoes...literally.
20. Beyoncé & Blue
There's nothing like being cuddled up in mom's arms.
Blue is looking all kinds of adorable! Look at that left hand go! LOL.
22. Blue On The Big Screen
Bey & Jay look at Blue during a video played at an "On The Run" tour stop. How precious!
23. Pardon Blue's Back
She's growing up so fast! We're loving the top knot. Take that Blue Ivy hair critics!
24. Jump Around
Bey & Blue share an adorable moment on the trampoline. Hello summer!
25. Rocking Some Cute Ponytails
Blue Ivy was spotted with a new 'do! Bey & Jay's mini-me was holding on to her father during a little day stroll.
26. Strolling With Mom & Dad
Blue, Jay and Bey all spotted in East Hampton.
27. Blue Has A Manicure Day With Mama Bey
"Me and my Blue, and my Blue Blue, riding🐝"
28. Hanging Out With Mom
Baby Blue is walking to the door, and it looks like Bey is trying to keep up!
29. Trying On Some Heels
Will Blue be slaying a performance in the near future?
30. Holding On To Mom
Blue looks like she has something to say to Bey.
31. Playing A Game Of Tennis
Blue walks on the tennis court.
32. Cuddling With Mom
Blue & Beyonce have some much-needed cuddle time.
33. Blue Ivy
"The blueprint 🐝"
34. Bey & Blue Take A Stroll
Doesn't Blue look adorable with her colorful dress and cute hair ribbon?
35. The Carter Lounge Together
The family was seen out and about.
36. Jay Z Carries Blue While Bey Looks On
Jay carries Blue in his arms.
37. Leading The Way
Blue Ivy looks too cute with her bowler hat and Mama Bey watching from behind. She's really growing up!
38. Out On The Town
Blue Ivy & Momma Bey enjoy some much deserved time off in Spain.
39. Traveling With Mom and Dad
Blue is used to traveling with Mama Bey and Poppa Jay, but she also looked a little flustered at some moments. It's ok, baby Blue!
40. A Day At The Park
Poppa Jay Z lets Blue Ivy have her way with the bouncy horse.
41. It's A Family Affair
Beyonce, Jay and Blue jetsetting in Dublin.
Blue dressed up like a hipster and plays a quick game of peekaboo! How adorable!
43. OMG It's Blue's Beautiful Face!
FINALLY! We get to see how beautiful Blue is! Look at the adorable headband! "Blue 💙"
44. Blue Ivy
Life's a beach!
45. Brooklyn Stand Up!
"Beyonce & Blue"
46. Blue Ivy's Got Her Own iPhone
"Momma, what's your password?"
47. Beyonce's Lazy Day With Blue
"Momma, I asked you for your password!"
48. When Blue Ivy Takes Your Phone, Beyonce Be Like...
"Fine, I'll go ask Daddy!"
49. Blue Ivy On Tour
"Bey & Blue"
50. It's Playtime
Beyonce & Blue take some time out to play.
51. A Chilly Day In NYC
"Beyoncé, Jay Z and Blue Ivy in NYC - Jan. 19"
52. All Bundled Up
The royal family makes their way to their fancy car.
53. Kisses From Dad
Blue's all bundled up, getting love from Daddy.
54. Blue At The White House
Blue Ivy's taking after mommy and writing a letter.
55. Blue Loves Bo
The White House pup, Bo is showing Blue Ivy some love.
56. The Carters At The White House
Check out the royal family checking out the scene at the White House.
57. It's Christmas Time Again
Blue and Bey checking out the White House Christmas tree.
58. Blue Lovin' Bo
Blue Ivy, dressed like a Princess, showing Bo some love.
59. Like Father, Like Daughter
Blue playing dress up with Daddy's hat.
60. Fun Times With Mommy
Blue Ivy spends some QT with mommy.
61. Mommy & Me
Blue and Bey take a break for some snacks.
62. Silvery Blue
Beyonce carries Blue, while the adorable toddler rocks a metallic jacket that we want and need.
63. The Holy Grail
Blue, Bey & Jay
64. One Big Happy Family
"#miami #newyear #2014"
"Beyoncé & Blue 💙"
66. Blue & Daddy In A Blue Jacket
"Jay and Blue 💙 #NewYear #2014 #Miami"
67. Hold On To Me
"Happy New Year Mommy!"
68. Dora Dora Dora The Explorer
"Beyoncé, Blue and Dora the Explorer"
69. Daddy & Bey
"Look over there Blue, you own that too."
70. Blue's Big B-Day
"Mommy make sure they can only see the back of my head."
71. Painted Faces For Blue's Bday
"Let me get down Mommy, I wanna play!"
72. Kisses From Mommy
Beyonce and Blue prepping for Momma Tina's Masquerade Ball
73. Talk To The Hand!
Beyonce, Jay Z and Blue Ivy were spotted leaving Joey's restaurant in Miami, on January 8th, and Blue had a message for the paps! Talk to the hand!
74. Me & My Daddy
While Beyonce's arm rested, Jay carried Blue from Joey's restaurant, in Miami on January 8th.
75. Blue's First Words
"I'm ready to slay right along with you, Ma!"
76. Imagine The Sound Of This Lullaby
A newborn Blue Ivy gets serenaded by her superstar mother.
77. Don't Mess With Blue!
Every now and again, Blue Ivy reminds you...she is her father's child!
78. All Gold Everything
Blue Ivy takes after her dad's swag. The inseparable duo were spotted in South Beach, Miami illuminating the streets outside their hotel with their yellow luster!
79. All Of The Lights!
"Mommy! All the pretty colors are so blinding! I'm...just..so..overwhelmed! When's my shot coming?! When's my shot coming?!" Blue plays on set with Bey at her 'Blow' video shoot.
80. Hey Blue!
"I can be happy sometimes, see?"
81. Blue Ivy With Daddy
"Why are we clapping, again? I'm not in the shot."
82. Jay Z Tries To Get Blue To Listen To "Magna Carta Holy Grail"
"Daddy, I'm more of a Nas fan."
83. Stepping With Mom
"Wait, Ma. I want the camera to see all angles of this sick dress!"
84. Splashin' & Playin'
"Mom, this water is clean, right? Because I'm not trying to splash in water I can't trust."
85. Beyonce Discusses Important Matters
"Mommy, I completely get it. Yes, I promise to watch the throne."
86. Mommy's Hugs
"Ok, Ma. I love you to pieces, but I like oxygen too." Bey may be the Queen, but this scene from her video "Blue" makes it look as if she can't get enough of being Mom.
87. Blue Ivy Twirls
"Aaaahh, I'm having so much fun not thinking about anything...wiippeee...oh, wait...getting a little sick."
88. Just So You Know...
"I run things. Don't get it twisted."
89. Mommy & Me Loungin'
"Oh, Mommy, I'm so tired of seeing the wigs you snatched last night all on our floor. It's so exhausting. Like, when're they getting picked up? Not now? Oh. Ok."
90. A Kiss For Blue
"Mommy, let me sleep, dang!"
91. Slurpin' On That Milk...Slurpin' Slurpin' On That Milk
"Mommy, gimme that bottle!"
We could watch this adorable GIF of Blue Ivy nonstop forever!
93. Jay Sneaks In Kisses
"Dadddd! Get..Away!..I don't want...No, ugh..No kisses!"
94. Blue Stares Back...
"Hey! Who's that?!"
95. Blue Still Doesn't Get Why Anyone's Here
"No, really, who are you? You're getting to close."
96. Blue and Bey Out For Lunch
"I'm over this now. People just won't let us be. Mom, why can't we just be?!"
97. Blue Is One Tough Cookie
"Ma, please let me just kick them in the face. Like, please, I can't see through all these lights."
98. Blue Jetsets With Jay
"Dad, do we own this boat? I just figured we owned everything, so..."
99. Beyonce Keeps Blue Covered
"Mommy, I think you forgot my feet. I'm cold right now. Are we inside?"
100. Beyonce LOVES Her Blue
Look at that face, how could you not kiss it?!