I was so scared to write to you because you are brutally honest.
Anyway, I am a 23-year old black female and have been married since I was 19 years old. My husband is 27 now. He was 23 when we got married. Yeah I know I was young, but I love my man. I really do. I’d do anything for him and he knows it but I think he uses that to his advantage. Don’t get me wrong I am not an angel.
First, I moved from Seattle to Boston at 19, quit my job, left college (but am back in school now here in Boston). I have no family or true friends here in Boston. My mom does not agree with my decisions but her and I have been having problems since the beginning of time. She’s 38 and I am 23. We fight like sisters. But back to my man. When we first started things were ok, but things changed quickly. We started fighting. He had anger and trust issues because of his past. He was emotionally abusive and that took a while to stop, but he did. Things got really rocky when I missed my family so much that I moved back west for 6 months. When I came back to Boston, things were even worse, but we worked thru it. It was the worst time of my life. I cried like every day. Remember I said I ain’t no angel but I am not a cheater or a liar. I just talk a lot of -ish when am being attacked. I mean I take low blows when I feel like I am being attacked and I have a hard time listening when I am mad. Mind you, I did not have a father figure so I really did not know how a man is supposed to treat a woman.
Long story short, the beginning of this year things were almost perfect. I mean I’ve never been happier with him. But all that changes when we have little normal disagreement. When I mess up like any human would and he verbally attacks me like he used to (not as bad though) I do not take low blows like I used to. I tell him how I feel in a mature way, but he uses that as ammo and keeps saying he’s tired of this -ish, he can’t do this -ish, and if I can’t deal with things, “just leave me dog,” (those are his exact words). It’s freaking hurtful to hear that after all I’ve put up with. And, it’s a lot – from spitting in my face (that was the very beginning of our relationship) to pouring water on my hair, to calling me all sort of names, and some pushing. I threw dishes at him when he did that and he called the cops on me, but he was the one who went to jail cause he was making a scene at our condo complex.
Anyways, I am just so confused and I finally got my dignity back to stand up to him and tell him as it is. But, all he keeps saying is just leave me, or if you can’t handle what I expect from you then you should have never been with me. I do everything from cooking, cleaning, getting him ready for work, looking cute for him, buying gifts, watch games with him. I mean I do everything from my heart… I am his homie and lover. And, I really don’t mind doing those things as long as I get the love and respect I give him). Then he goes on saying that he hates me. It’s so hard for him to apologize. I mean I don’t expect perfection but damn can I get respect?
OMG! He also complains about the littlest things. Like, if the house is a lil messy, not dirty (he’s a clean freak but I am not), he starts saying I need to clean the entire house from dusting to taking down spider webs that I can’t see but he can. He just wants the house spotless. I HATE it when he does that because I do me. And, when I do clean he pretty much goes over the whole house to make sure it’s clean. I just leave and have a cigarette.
I’ve matured over the years with him, but it’s like why do I keep hearing this -ish of just leave me dog or I hate you? I mean I hear that at least once a week. I never ever say -ish like that to him. I am at the point of really taking him serious and leaving. I have a hard time making that decision because when I went back home to see my family, I left him with no job (he was collecting unemployment) and he had to pay all the rent and utilities on that unemployment check. I mean it’s not like the check was little. He could survive, but ever since I left, he uses that against me so much that I can’t decide on leaving. But, I am at the point of “F” it… whatever.” But, when he comes around to his senses he always finds a way to my heart again. I mean always.
I ask myself why do I let him do this. Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? I am not bragging about us but people envy us. We are both attractive. I’ve fought women over him and vice-versa. And, we do well for our age. So, it’s like should I walk away with my respect or should I stay. I love him so much though. I am so confused. I am independent. I pay my own bills. I have my own car, and pay for my school. So, it’s not like he really supports me. Please help!!! Confused Young Wife
Dear Ms. Confused Young Wife,
Chile! This letter right here is many, many things! Gurl!
You had me up until the end. That’s when all the contradictions came pouring out.
I really wonder if you all read your letters before you send them…..wait, why am I asking that question. Of course you do. But, you’re so in denial about your situation that you can’t see and hear yourself. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. And, especially one that can’t comprehend, or rationalize.
You asked me, and yourself, why do you let him do this to you – Is it the sex, his car, his swagger, the lifestyle? Uhm, boo boo, earlier in the letter you said he was collecting unemployment. So, what lifestyle are you accustomed to? You rent a damn apartment. You don’t own a home! And, what type of car is he balling in with bouts of unemployment? And, if you say he has swagger, and that’s what swagger is then uhm, I’ll pass. Swagger is overused and overrated.
Then you go on to say that you are independent. You pay your own bills. You have your own car and pay for school. Uhm, again sweetie, if you’re married, then how are you independent? Why are you paying your own bills? If you’re married shouldn’t the two of you be one unit? You’re no longer independent, but are one entity. Your bills are his bills and vice-versa. You share everything. But, this is what happens when hood ghetto ass people get together and marry. You’re still trying to hold on to your independence while you’re married to a man. Girl, stop it! Stop it right now and let go of that, “I’m independent. I got my own –ish. I don’t need a man. I can do bad all by myself,” ghetto ass talk!
Chile, I can’t do you people today. This is why you should wait until you’re old enough, mature enough, and have dealt with your psychology, emotional, and mental issues before involving someone else in your mess, and then marrying them.
This ghetto love is just that – GHETTO LOVE. All this talk of, “I love my man. I’m down for him. We fight like cats and dogs, but the make-up sex is the bomb. I’ll cut a bish for my man. I don’t play!! We call the cops on each other and, yeah, he hits me sometimes, spits in my face, pours water on my hair, and mushes me in the face, but I love him and he loves me.” SMDH! This is insanity. Pure insane and asinine bull-ish that you ghetto ass people go through on the daily to prove that you got a man, or woman, and that you love someone. THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS GHETTO HIGH SCHOOL IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AND IT’S A RESULT OF YOUR GHETTO ASS PARENTS.
You clearly have unresolved issues surrounding your mother, and absent father. You have emotional and mental issues that have not been addressed, and yet you found a man when you were 19 and he was 23. You found your “Daddy.” I call it the, “Looking For Daddy Syndrome.” And, you found a man to replace the missing dad in your life to take you away from the anguish, heartache, pain, agony, and unworthiness you felt. Your unresolved issues of feelings of no self-worth, low self-esteem, and not good enough were all replaced by a man who made you feel good, and gave you some good sex. You equated sex with love, and that misplaced and misunderstood emotional and physical pleasure made you think your mental problems were solved.
Girl, there is so many issues and challenges with you and your letter that I can’t today! I told you all that I’m not interested in your pity parties, sob stories of a life of unhappiness and a man who makes you feel like –ish. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, get counseling or get the hell out!! If you don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, then why the hell are you still in the relationship with them? Get the hell out!!! If they are not adding to you, building you, inspiring you, empowering you, encouraging you, or loving you without conditions or restrictions, then get the hell out!!!! It’s that damn simple people!!!
Hmmmm, just a quick question while I’m thinking of it – Isn’t ironic that the very things you were running from at 19 from your family, you found it in your husband? Yeah, all those mental and emotional issues are showing up in your marriage with your husband. You chose your past and made it your present and future. That’s what sex and d**k will do to you. Make you lose focus and forget what your problems are. D**k is a dangerous drug. I keep telling you folks that. You’re going to listen.
Then your husband tells you consistently to leave him, and that he hates you. You do realize that the word “hate” is a strong and powerful word. It’s pure displeasure, and a strong dislike. Now, you’re asking me what to do when he says this to you. Do me a favor and move those weaved blond highlights from your eyes and let me punch you in the face!!! If he tells you on a weekly basis to leave him and that he hates, then leave him because he hates you! HELLO!!!!
Why do you keep putting yourself through this agony? Why put up with this pain? Why put up with this man who hates himself, doesn’t care for you, and basically doesn’t care about your marriage? Answer those questions. And, be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free. But, I’ll tell you this if someone kept telling me to leave and how much they hated me, I’d leave their ass sitting in their own misery and I’d do it when they went to work. Pack all my –ish and bounce. Change my numbers. Change my emails. Hell, I’d go through an entire metamorphosis of change.
I strongly recommend marriage counseling, and some personal counseling for the both of you for emotional and mental health issues. You both are emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing one another. It’s time to stop the madness. Stop the turmoil. And, stop this GHETTO LOVE! It’s not cute. And, for the record, people are not envious of you and your relationship, they actually feel sorry for the both of you. How two people can tear each other down yet claim they love one another is pure comedy. But, misery loves company, and stupid is what stupid does. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!