Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I just have a question. I’ve been married to my husband for 17 years. I recently filed for divorce but now I’m having second thoughts. Let me tell you about this situation.
I met my husband through a mutual friend when I was 19 years old. I already had a son who was 1 year old at the time. His father passed away almost 1 year later. My husband is a good person but he wasn’t a provider for us. He got on drugs within 3 years of us being together. I was young back then and didn’t have a lot of firsthand experience with drug users.
So, he went to a lot of treatment places. I stuck by him every time he went. I was always thinking he loved me and he would stay clean – well, he didn’t stay clean for long. He’s been in and out of rehab centers and, of course, detox. He’s broken into my apartment and stole my things, has taken money out of my bank by stealing my ATM card. When I confronted him at first he lied but then he later confessed. So I finally had enough. I sent him home to his family out of state to hopefully get him back on track. He was clean for 6 months, and I was stressed wondering what he was doing down there. Well, he came back and everything was fine for 2 weeks, then he started using again. Once again I talked to him and he said he was going to get clean, but he continued to use. So, once again I sent him out of state.
Now, he’s been gone now for almost 9 months. I got a call from a woman a few days ago saying they have been seeing each other for the last 5 months but he never told me anything about this woman until I confronted him on the phone. Of course he said he was sorry and should have told me but he said it wasn’t serious. Although the woman is married herself, she said she’s going to leave her husband for mine.
My question is should I try to keep this marriage or let it go? And also should I cut off communication with him? He said the reason why he didn’t tell me was because he knew I would’ve said don’t call me anymore. Which is what I said when he confessed. I’m lost for words. Should I just move on and forget about him or should I try to make this 17-year marriage work? – I Miss My Husband
Dear Ms. I Miss My Husband,
You are a damn fool if you want to take that man back into your home! Just pure ignant! Yup I spelled it like that because you are ignant!
You are the classic case of Stockholm Syndrome. I know your slow ass don’t know what that means so I guess I’ll be nice and break it down for you. And, stop that damn rocking back and forth before I take off your helmet and let you bang your big ass head against the wall. Now, Stockholm Syndrome is when a victim feels remorse for their captor or abuser and you empathize with them despite the torture, turmoil, hell, and drama they put you through. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors as an act of kindness. And, just like many Stockholm survivors, you have been with your abuser for years, and are unable to recognize reality.
I noticed in the beginning of your letter that you stated, “My husband is a good person, but wasn’t a provider.” So, let us be clear, your husband, the man who has broken into your apartment, stolen from you, took money from your bank by using your ATM card he stole, and now he is cheating with another woman out of state, and you say your husband is a good person? Now re-read the previous paragraph I just wrote. Do you see how the Stockholm Syndrome works?
Also, your husband got on drugs 3 years into your marriage, and you say you were young and you didn’t have firsthand experience with someone who was a drug user. Okay, I’ll give you that. But, chile, it’s 14 years later? What’s your excuse now? (I’ll wait. In the meantime I’m going to catch this matinee movie, Jumping The Broom. If you haven’t seen it, go check it out.)
Your man has been gone for 9 months, and 5 of those months he’s been with another woman. Let’s bow our heads. Go head and lower yours. Lower. Lower. You smell that? That’s your crusty ass speaking to you saying, “Welcome, and thank you for letting me do the thinking all these years.”
You know I have a saying also. It goes, “First time, shame on me. There won’t be a second or third time.” I refuse to let someone take advantage of me, treat me wrong, misuse me, or abuse me after I’ve learned the lesson the first time. There are no second and third chances. You’ve given your husband chance, after chance, after chance, after chance….chile, just too many damn chances. Aren’t you tired of being the victim? Aren’t you tired of playing that role? Honey, you can only get so many Oscar nominations for playing the same role over and over again, and you still haven’t gotten the prize. BOOM! BAM! POW!
Look, Ms. I Miss My Husband, I truly don’t do foolish very well. And, I’m sorry about your situation, but girl, your husband has been on drugs for the majority of your marriage and have taken you through the ringer. What the hell are you sticking around for? Are you hoping he’s going to change and be the man you want him to be? Chile, puhlease! HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. YOU CAN’T SAVE HIM. HE DOESN’T WANT TO GET OFF DRUGS. See, I wrote that in big bold letters just in case you claim you didn’t catch it, or see it. I know how you slow people are. And, the only reason you want his sorry drug infected ain’t got –ish and non contributing ass back is because another woman got him. Honey, you should be thanking that woman for taking your problem off your hands. Girl, if I were you, I would call her up and ask her where should you send his things and pack his –ish in some GLAD trash bags, and send them to her. And, then, see if she is willing to go half on a going away party for his tainted d**k. Who the hell wants drug d**k? Please make it stop baby Jesus! The universe has removed him out of your life, and you’re fighting to get him, and be with him. I swear, you dumbass people will ask for a miracle and blessing, but when it happens you fight and resist the blessing. Let him go. Let that man be! Pray for release of the bondage and stronghold he has over your life. And, pray that you can have the strength to loose yourself and be free. Go ahead with the divorce and be free. GIVE US FREE! GIVE US FREE! (In my Djimon Hounsou voice). Wait, hold up, you hear that horn blowing outside your house? It’s the short yellow bus coming to pick you up and take you to my new school, The All-Women’s Academy For The Brainless And Dumbness. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
Also On HelloBeautiful:
Celebs Tweet Their Thoughts About #JusticeForSandraBland
1. Jesse Williams
#SandraBland's treatment while attempting to travel freely on HER public roadways has been acknowledged as unlawful. She is already dead.
2. Taraji P. Henson
"SAY HER NAME #SandraBland"
3. Ava DuVernay
"'Why are you arresting me?' Because you know your rights. Because I can. Because no one'll believe you. #SandraBland"
4. Kim Kardashian
#WhatHappenedToSandraBland We need answers!!!! This is NOT ok! This is all shady! They need to own up to this & tell the truth!
5. Jussie Smollet
"A loss 4 words. #SandraBlandMatters #BlackLivesMatter 👈🏿tell me this should change once the nation shows that we do. "
6. Snoop Dogg
🙏🌹. Sandra. Rip. 🌹🌹
7. K. Michelle
R.I.P to this queen. This could've been any of us. My prayers go out to her family. #sandrabland https://instagram.com/p/5fvlO_AhCf/
8. Gabrielle Union
SAY HER NAME!!! #SandraBland #SandraBland #SandraBland #SayHerName
"We must get to the cause of #sandrabland death because this CANNOT happen again #deathorfreedom"
10. David Banner
"When will we fight back. A man's duty on earth is to protect women and children. Where are the gangsters? Preachers? We need you. Please."
11. Nicki Minaj
"Rest In Peace #SandraBland"
12. Talib Kweli
"We the people ask @LorettaLynch to investigate #SandraBland #KimberleeRandleKing RETWEET "
Signs. Signs. Signs all around us. The Message is Here. #SandraBland
14. Missy Elliot
"When I look at the #SandraBland traffic video it brings so many emotions😳😢😡😡😤!"
15. Jessie J
"God bless your soul Sandra | #sandrabland | Change needs to come |Justice needs to be served | Heart… https://instagram.com/p/5fV79mQ0aw/ "
16. Jackee Harry
"It's time y'all, it's time.." #SandraBland #BlackLivesMatter
"In memory of #SandraBland these things don't make no kinda sense "
18. Holly Robinson Peete
I really don't look forward to having ANOTHER difficult conversation w my kids tonight...but here we go again😧💔 #SandraBland #SayHerName 😢
19. Jeffrey White
Sadly, doesn't matter by whose hand she died. Unjustified arrested set the outcome in motion. The state murdered her. #JusticeForSandraBland
Sandra could have been your mother, sister, aunt, friend or if she wasn't killed the community outreach advisor A&M. #SandraBland
21. Joan Smalls
"My heart is broken. Sending my deepest condolence to her family and friends. May you find Strength, Peace and Justice. When will this stop? #EqualityForAll #RIP #Why #SayHerName
22. Gladys Knight
Sandra Bland.... #SayHerName #SandraBland
23. Cara Delevigne
Things need to change NOW #SANDRABLAND #Justice #Equality
24. Meek Mill
"Rip to that young lady that lost her life about a traffic stop! 🙏 ima make sure I pray for her and her family! 🙏😄😄😄"