“I’ve Been Married For 2 Years, And I’m Bored, Lonely, And Horny”

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Dear Gay Best Friend,

I am a 31-year old female, 6 months pregnant and bored out of my mind. I have two boys and I’m pregnant with my 3rd. I am a student and in school past full-time. My husband is in the army. Both of us move around a lot and we’re kind of busy, but when the time whines down I feel like I’m old.  I have been married for 2 years and it seems like my husband has lost his touch. Nothing happens with us anymore. I am on Black Planet and Facebook, and very tempted to step out just for a date or fun, NO SEX, even though I’m not getting it at all home. What am I to do? My husband is dry and very very boring, and our sex life hurts so bad. It’s over to quick when it does happen. I apologize for that, but I do need some good advice. Help! – Bored And Lonely

“My Child’s Father Wants Us To Be Friends With Benefits, But I Want More”

Dear Ms. Bored And Lonely,

Chile, you better sit your pregnant self down somewhere and relax. Talking ‘bout you need some spice in your life. Hmph! You better stop reading all those erotic and romance novels and get your head out of Fantasy Island. I really think some women get married because they watch those fluffy love movies, i.e. ‘A Soldier And A Gentleman,’ and read those romance books and think, “I wish I had a man to come and sweep me off my feet and carry me away to never never land and we live happily ever after.” Honey, it only happens in the movies. It’s Hollywood, and in Hollywood movies it goes like this – boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy does everything to get girl back, she’s reluctant, but after listening to her heart, boy gets girl again, they get married, and start living the wonderful life. LMBAO! You will learn, darling. Oh, you will learn.

By the way, Ms. Thing, you’re married with two boys, a third on the way, and in school full-time. And, you’re still bored? Girl, stop it! You’re not bored, the truth is written all up in your letter. You’re horny. Yup. Your husband hasn’t lost his touch, he just isn’t doing the freaky ill things that you’re used to. Oh, girl, don’t be shy and coy with me. I know you’re a freak. I can tell by the tone of your letter. If you’re that freaky-deaky, then why don’t you let the freak out on your husband? Are you afraid you’ll run him away? He’ll look at you with that third eye on his forehead? LOL! Honey, please stop trying to do me and do your man!

If you’re that bored with your husband, then why don’t you talk with him? Express how you’re feeling and tell him that you want to go out, have fun, and live life. You and your husband have been married for two years, so what do you think the next two, five, and ten years are going to be like? I hope you’re not sitting and waiting on him to come through the door with all these wonderful ideas of fun and exciting adventures. You’re going to have to bring something to the table as well.

And, focus on your marriage and children and keep your fast ass off Black Planet and Facebook before we’re reading about you in the morning papers. I can’t believe you! Well, actually I can, because it’s obvious you don’t have a bit of common sense. How the hell you’re thinking, “Oh, I just want to go out for a date and have fun, but NO SEX.” Really? Really sweetheart?!!? What the hell? Girl, this ain’t Independent Women Part 4. YOU’RE MARRIED! YOU HAVE A FAMILY! I tell you what, tell your husband that you’re going out just for fun and to have a good time. And hit me back with his response.

Look, Ms. Bored And Lonely, chile, you’re not going to do me on this Valentine’s Day, or any other day. If you want some spice in your marriage, then spice it up. Stop complaining about the sex life and do something about it and be creative. Yes, today, put on your sexy lingerie from Tar-jay or Victoria Secretions. Send the kids to a babysitter. Light some candles and prepare a romantic meal. And, drop it on your husband tonight. Girl, put it on him like you never done it before. And, experiment with various sex positions, lotions, oils, and other toys. When he walks through the door today, girl, drop down and get your eagle on. Teabag that man at the front door. Also, start role playing with your man. Honey, you can be the bad new recruit and he can be your sergeant whipping you into shape. Or, he can be the injured soldier and you are his naughty nurse. Whew! Let me cool off. Chile, all I’m saying is that there is a remedy to your situation. Communicate with your husband about your needs, and I’m sure he will communicate some of his needs. Now, you naughty little freak, ‘cause I knows yous a freak. You all up on the internet scouring and looking for something, honey you better reel it in and get freaky with your husband before you find yourself without an officer or a gentleman! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

How would you spice up your marriage if you felt bord and lonely?

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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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