Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’m confused about my marriage. Well, when me, and my fiancée decided to get married I wanted to get everything out in the open and I told her that I had cheated on her. I apologized for what I did.
My fiancée never told me she cheated, but I didn’t believe her, so we got married. Well, a year into our marriage she decides to tell me that she cheated on me with this guy and she said it only happened three times. She said he wasn’t good in bed, but I don’t understand why she went back three times if he wasn’t good in bed. And, she will not give me details about what happened. What should I do? – I Came Clean Why Won’t She
Dear I Came Clean Why Won’t She,
So, let me get this straight. You told your fiancée at the time that you cheated because you wanted to get everything out in the open before you got married. You apologized and felt everything would be peachy cream. You were hoping that she would be so forthcoming and share if she cheated as well, but she told you that she never cheated. You didn’t believe her, but yet you still married her. And, a year into your marriage she tells you that she cheated with a guy. Hmmmmm!!!! So, what’s the problem here? Am I missing something?
Oh yeah, you’re mad because she won’t give you the details about her affair with a guy she cheated with all of three times. You’re upset because she did what you did to her. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t believe in the tit-for-tat policy, but what would you expect to happen? She would embrace you, love you, and go into the marriage knowing she can trust you after you betrayed her trust and you cheated? She would let bygones be bygones and everything would be wonderful and fine? Boy, you have bumped your head and fell into the Land of Oz.
Here’s what I think happened. I don’t believe she cheated prior to the marriage. I believe that once you confided in her before you got married about your affair, she was broken-hearted. She probably didn’t say anything to you, but I am certain she felt you violated the trust she had for you. She was torn on what to do, and despite it and what you did she married you. But, in the back of her mind she was probably thinking, “You know what? I was faithful to him. I didn’t step out on him. I gave him my heart and he went out and cheated with some woman. Why can’t I do the same thing? Why am I being so faithful to someone who wasn’t faithful to me? And, you know what, I’m going to get even. I am going to level the playing field.” That is what I think happened.
You see, she probably thought at the time that the best revenge is to do what you did to her. And, look at you, you’re all in a huff about the very thing you did to her. You’re feeling exactly how she probably felt when you told her about your cheating. And, did you go into details with her about what went on? Did you tell her, I mean really tell her, the number of times you slept with the other woman, or women? She slept with dude three times, and you got your drawers in a bunch. Chile, you better get the wedgies out your booty and man up.
Now, you’re asking what to do. Well, get some counseling. Go to your pastor or a marriage counselor because she is not going to give you the details over your yelling and screaming because I doubt very seriously that you are being calm in your discussions over the affair. If it’s really bothering you, then you need a third person, someone who is licensed and specializes in this. Don’t talk to your homeboy, or folks at work about it. Get some real counseling so you both can get to the bottom of her feelings, and your feelings. There is some under lying issues and it’s best to peel back the layers at get to the meat of the problem. Obviously you’re hurt, but think how hurt she was when you told her of your cheating. I am sure she was devastated, and you know what happens to a hurt person, they hurt other people – hurt people, hurt people.
Look, I am not saying what you or what she did was right. I am not giving her more credence, nor am I co-signing what she did, but why are you all up in arms over it? Do you still love her? Do you still want to be married? Has she been a wonderful wife? Has she all of a sudden become this vile and despicable woman you no longer can stand to be around? Because quite frankly think of how dirty you did her when you were stepping out on her before you got married. She was loyal to you. She stood by your side. She’s been there through thick and thin, through the good and bad, and still married you after you confessed your indiscretions.
So, Mr. I Came Clean Why Won’t She, can you stand by your woman the same way she stood by you? Or, does it pain you that another man has been with your woman? I know how territorial men are, especially with their wives and girlfriends, but when the shoe is on the other foot you expect for women to forgive and forget. To simply move on and that life will be all well and okey-dokey. This situation is exactly what your marriage vows are about. You can’t throw in the towel over this, because trust me, there are other obstacles you two are going to have to face. Things beyond your control and the two of you are going to have to be a team and work through them. So, it’s time to put on your game face, stop standing yelling from the sideline and tell her how much you love. Just because you apologized for your cheating doesn’t mean you’re back in her good graces. And, nor should she be back in your good graces. You both have to earn each other’s trust again, and it’s going to take some time and work. You’ve got to support one another, and get back to the time before you got married. Yes, that time when you were dating, and love was fresh and new. You both have to start with open communication, expressing your feelings, and being friends with one another. You’ve got to rebuild the trust, and honor in your marriage and life. You both made mistakes. You’re still newlyweds, so don’t give up. Get into a church, and build a strong spiritual foundation in your marriage, and remember you are the head and link. Come on, man, you got this. Don’t let this setback, set you back. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!