Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
First, I did buy your book. I read it all in one night last Friday as a matter of fact. The chapter on, Get Some Me Time: Not Some Him and Some Her, Just A Little Me Time, could have included more. For instance, I would have included something on masturbation. But that’s why you wrote it not me.
Anyway, I was dating this Pastor for about four years. We experienced a lot together. He was there when I was sick, and we traveled together. Although we were “together,” I never got the feeling that I was this girl. I had feelings for him, but I was not in love. He was companionship mostly. So, when I got a call from a long lost love, I jumped at the chance to feel “loved and in- love” again. He proposed and I regrettably accepted. There were so many signs that I ignored, but his presence was so damn intoxicating. Needless to say, we never made it to the altar. He actually stole my Rolex watch!
Anyway, after I came to myself, I called the Pastor to tell him that I did not get married. He wanted to meet, so I agreed. Last Friday he called to ask me to dinner. At dinner he began to tell me that he was asking God if I was his wife. Totally confused, I could not believe what I was hearing. In the midst of his revelation, he got a call from someone who was attempting to pinpoint his exact location. I heard him say he was in Wal-Mart. Before I left the table I asked the waitress to bring me a top shelf Long Island Iced Tea. Then, I went to the restroom so that he could finish his bull-ish call. Also, I took the time to look in the mirror at myself trying to remember why I had left him in the first place. Blanks. When I got back to the table he had finished his call and my Long Island was waiting for me. I took a nice sip then began to speak from my heart and mind. I told him that I understand that I hurt him by leaving him 15 months earlier. That I understood that he did not twiddle his fingers in my absence and that he had obviously moved on. Further, because of the trauma of my last attempt at love, I really choose not to be the third wheel in any relationship, again. I am okay with being alone. In fact I prefer that rather than the bull-ish and possible infections that come with playing with a player.
Emphatically, he denied that he is involved and the call was just a congregant seeking information about an upcoming funeral. ‘Who do you think I am?’ Anyway, the night ended when he took me back home, no attempt to come inside or kiss. The next day I called him to tell him some exciting news, but I could tell he was in the company of a female. The next time I talked to him, he gave me this line of how he was so busy with the ministry and what God is doing in his life that he does not have time for anything else.
My question, what are your thoughts on this scenario? Honestly, based on my last relationship, I am not a proponent of lost love returning. If the relationship ended there was usually a reason for it. Like Lot’s wife, don’t look back unless you like being salted. – Almost The Pastor’s Wife
Dear Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Wife,
Uhm, sweetheart, you answered your own letter. You said you moved on and that you are not a proponent of lost love returning. And, if the relationship ended then there was a reason for it. Soooooo, what part of your statements do you not understand?
I mean for real, Ms. Honey, must we go there? I am going to repeat this again, which is the actual words you wrote, you are not a proponent of lost love returning. Then, why did you leap into the arms of an ex who came into the picture while you were dating the pastor? Really, Ms. Thing! You don’t want to own up to your own words?
I’m not dealing with this foolishness before the holidays. No, ma’am.
Here’s the plain and simple truth of it. You’ve lost out. The pastor obviously had some time to consider and think and, like you, feels he doesn’t want to go down that road again. You dumped him, and went into the arms of another man. What makes him think you won’t do it again? You obviously don’t have a problem with leaving men and not putting up with their bull-ish. Again, your words, not mine. Chile, I wish I would entertain an ex who left me for someone else. You got me twisted. And, your pastor feels the same way. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Girl, you’re a trip. You think your –ish don’t stink, and that you’re all that. You had a man who was there for you through thick and thin. He spent four years with you, but you didn’t feel as if you were together. And, according to you, you were not in love with him. He was companionship. Yeah, uhm, if he wasn’t or didn’t mean that much to you, then why are you running after him now? Oh, it’s like that saying, ‘you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.’ You miss all that you had, don’t you? You don’t want to be alone, and rather than work on you and heal yourself, you want drag this man into your misery and have him put up with you and your drama. Girl, miss me already. Kick rocks and go sit in the back pews of the church.
Look, Ms. Almost The Pastor’s Wife, you screwed up. Admit it. You played yourself. Girl, move one. Obviously the pastor has. And, you’re right he wasn’t sitting around twiddling his fingers hoping and wishing you were going to come back. He’s done with you and has recognized his self-worth and value. And, after careful evaluation he knows he deserves someone better than you. You say you read my book, then, Ms. I-Got-It-Going-On-But-You’re-Not-Sitting-In-The-Front-Row-Anymore, I strongly suggest you re-read my book, get some highlighters, and digest the book. There are some obvious things in it that you skipped, or looked over. There are many examples of women like you in the book, as well as chapters that speak to who you are. You need to do a lot of introspection and reflection. You need to re-evaluate who you are, and what it is you are looking for because it’s not outside of yourself. Everything you need is within and until you stop thinking you need someone to make you whole, or complete, you will keep looking for “companionship,” and “love,” from men who don’t value you or appreciate you. And, instead of pushing men away who are there for you, bending over backwards, treating you special, and taking care of you, then you won’t recognize goodness and being gracious. You appear to be ungrateful and unwilling to wait. But, I’m curious as to why you would stay with someone for four years if you didn’t love them? Ask yourself that question. You wasted your time and his. Chile, it doesn’t take four years to figure out if you love someone. If he was moving to slow for you, then you should have mentioned it and said something. You know communication, or the lack thereof, is the number one reason relationships fail. If you don’t express your needs, desires, and wants, then how do you expect your mate to be there for you? Girl, you’re just like Lot’s wife, you’ve been salted! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!