Christmas morning finds Dad in his chair. He’s wrapped in a new robe, scarf around his neck and toes resting in new flannel slippers. Here he’ll sit rooting for his beloved Browns in a new Steelers hat while mom rings her sisters on the phone to go on about the diamond pin she received – “Yes girl! It matches the earrings he gave me last year. No, that’ll be next year. Don’t I know it? He’s so good to me!” This is every Christmas.
It wasn’t until my own husband sat in his own chair, wrapped in similar fashion as my dad while thousands of his hard-earned dollars danced in joy around him that I realized, Christmas sucks for men in general, Dads especially!
Now, while my husband says in the same manner of my dad that, “Seeing my family happy is all the gift I need.” I cry bullshit! Imagine, sitting in some itchy chair that you didn’t ask for, in a robe so thick you can’t relax in, slippers folded down in the back because no one cared enough to check your size so just got you a medium. Happy yet?
I’ve decided that this year is Man Christmas. I’m not going to make him wear any holiday gear, not going to make him stoke the fire all day just in case of the unexpected guest, and Get offa that roof! Who cares if that single bulb near the chimney is out! It’s your Christmas babe!!! AND I figured I’d at least ask what he might consider as a gift, you know, since he already has all the joy he can stand. Here’s a rundown of his responses:
• Cologne – Sure. (I detected Here we go again.) What kind? Whatever you like. Who am I wearing it for, my friends?
• Tickets to sporting events – Not as expensive as you might imagine because they really want to go alone. It’s like a spa day for them so go all out and just get one!
• Speaking of spa days – I wouldn’t buy it for myself but I’d do some stuff. Anything they think we think makes them more attractive they’ll do.
• Jewelry – Watches, yes. Rings, chains, earrings, cufflinks – depends upon your man’s status, style, age.
• Underwear/Socks – Don’t give a sh*t gifts. However, he did question why there wasn’t a Victoria’s Secret for men so I’m guessing NICE underwear, robes, etc. is a good thing.
• Gym memberships – That’s an obligation, not a gift.
• Sessions with a personal trainer? Dope!
• Shave kits – lather brush, foaming bar, and a nice razor. I don’t shave but it looks nice. I think this is like pearls; every woman should have some even though we’ll rarely wear them.
• Emergency meeting/dinner set-up – A sport coat, crisp white shirt, tie, toiletries, etc. will have your hubs on point and best of all, confident when these moments arise.
• Office breakfast/lunch delivery – Checked into it and this can be costly but once a week is a nice surprise.
• Family photos/memorabilia – Photos from a professional sitting are sure to be displayed, as are nicely framed snapshots to remind him of why he spends so much of his day putting in work. If he’s not the office type, consider filling a new wallet or popping a photo or two into his lunch.
• Yard equipment/tools – You fired the yard dude again? In fact, like the gym membership gift, anything that requires work and an expected return greater than the investment is not a gift. This includes Home Depot or Lowes gift cards.
• Arthur Murray dance lessons got no response.
On my list? The EA Sports Active NFL Training Camp for Wii. With strength and conditioning coaches, drills, and exercises approved by the NFL, he’ll feel like an MVP (Most Valuable Papa) this Christmas. Of course I’ll still get him a hat. I’ll throw him off by asking, What team is it you like again?