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Hey Y’all! It’s Friday, and you know it’s “Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend” Advice Day.
And, this week I got a letter from an older gay man who is in love with his minister. Yes, you read that correctly. There is scandal in the pulpit.
Check out this week’s letter and chime in.
Enjoy your weekend!
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I desperately need your advice.
I am a 67 year-old gay man and have only had a couple of brief gay affairs (one-nighters). I am not out, but am somewhat feminine.
The problem I am having involves a friend, “Cecil,” (58 years old) that was a former minister of my church and married. He has never directly told me his interest in me but indirectly lead me to think he was / is.
Cecil once told me that he loved me after service one Sunday, but said as a brother. Another time Cecil told me he would do anything for me.
On Christmas, a few years ago, Cecil called me from North Carolina to tell me that he had just entered the state and wanted to say Merry Christmas. I had no idea he was going there for the holiday. Cecil also told me there was something he wanted to tell me but didn’t know how to tell me. He never said what it was.
After driving me home one Sunday I got out of Cecil’s car, he got out also and for a few seconds he stood there and looked me in the eyes without saying anything and returned to the vehicle.
Cecil left the church about a year ago. His wife left him a few months before that. I don’t know why she left him. He never discussed that with me nor did he tell me she had left, but it was well known at the church. He is a very private person. He and his wife have three children together and he has an older child in North Carolina that’s from another relationship. All of his children are adults. He has two grandchildren also.
Since Cecil left the church he doesn’t answer my calls nor return my emails, but other members told me he talks with them. He did thank me for wishing him a Happy Birthday last year in an email. Before Cecil left our church he mentioned to a fellow church member that I had visited another member (a woman), and he overheard the conversation. He also saw this same woman hugging and kissing me a few times. He later asked me about her.
My question to you is do you think Cecil was in love with me? Also do you think he is mad with me because of this woman? Since he is not talking to me I am unable to ask him why he is shunning me. I want him to know that this woman and I are just friends. I believe she would like for it to be more than a friendship, but I no longer desire a woman. I am deeply hurt by his actions and love him very much. I have never had a male partner and I desire a relationship. I tried to not get emotionally or physically involved with Cecil because he was married and I was worried of being hurt by him, as well as the sin aspect. I have no one to discuss this with and would appreciate your input. What should I do or not do? – We Were Once Very Close
Dear We Were Once Very Close,
First, I want to thank you for sending me your letter, especially from an older gay man who is not out. I know how difficult it may be for you to find love at your age in the gay lifestyle. I applaud you.
Now, on to the question at hand about Cecil, your former minister with whom you’ve falling in love with, but not sure how he feels about you. Uhm, to put it gentle to you, HE’S NOT INTO YOU and I don’t think he is gay or on the down low.
Here’s what I think. After reading your letter you mentioned how Cecil never told you of his interest, yet indirectly lead you to believe he had a secret desire for you. I believe that you, or when people are in love, or have an attraction for someone, as you do, you will take and see every little thing the object of your affection does or say as an indication that they may be interested in you. I call it delusions of grandeur, and honey, it sounds like a sad one-way love story, and you are the one who is traveling down the lonely highway, and not Cecil.
Remember, Cecil said he loved you, yet as a brother. He said he would do anything for you. That doesn’t sound like someone who is in love with you. It sounds like your minister who has a great concern and endearing love for you, but not a physical or emotional attraction as you do for him.
Now, get this and pay close attention. You said Cecil went to North Carolina and called you when he entered the state to wish you a Merry Christmas. Yet, you had no idea he was going there. You also said Cecil told you he had something to tell you, but didn’t know how to tell you, and he never said what it was. Why, oh, why do you think he was ready to admit his burning loving desire for you? It’s because you saw and read into it more than what it really was. I am sure he did have something to tell you, but until Cecil tells you what is was then you should not speculate. Oh, yeah, he is not returning any of your calls or emails. Hmmm….
And, for the record, if Cecil was into you don’t you think he would have told you about his traveling to North Carolina? And, don’t you think Cecil would have ran to you and cried on your shoulder when his wife left him, and when he decided to leave the church? Oh, yeah, that’s right, you didn’t know about them because Cecil didn’t tell you, you overheard it as church gossip. Hmmmm… If I am in love with someone, or interested in a person I would definitely lean on that person, or reach out to them as someone to talk to. Yet, Cecil kept you where he always kept you, at arms length and outside of his life. HE IS NOT INTO YOU!
Oh, yeah, and let’s not forget the dramatic soap opera moment when he drove you home and got out the car and stared into your eyes and then turned and went back to his car. Oh, chile, please, that is soooo a romance scene from a novel. That is what you saw and romanticized in your head. Delusions of grandeur – LET GO OF THE HELPLESS ROMANTIC ROUTINE. Yes, we all want the object of our desires and affection to be the dramatic love we dream of, but the reality is Cecil was only doing his job and being the minister to you.
Finally, Mr. We Were Once Very Close, honey, the reality is that you were never close! You didn’t hang out. You didn’t spend intimate or quality time together. Cecil didn’t call to chit chat or spend endless amounts of conversation with you. As a matter of fact, since he left the church he hasn’t returned your calls or emails. Hmmmm….HE IS NOT INTO YOU! LET GO OF THE HELPLESS ROMANTIC ROUNTINE.
Listen, My Gay Older Friend, I do want you to find love. I want you to have an amazing experience in a relationship with someone who is going to reciprocate your desires and interests, and not the one made up in your head. So, I recommend going on dating websites. There are plenty of gay senior dating sites where you can meet men seeking love and relationships. Also, I recommend that you consider traveling to gay resorts and cruises. There are plenty of places that offer senior retreats and vacations. I do know Palm Springs in California has a host of yearly events where you can meet other single eligible men. All of this information is at your fingertips and on the internet. So, get out of your head with all the dramatic and hopeful love themes you create, and get out and start living life! – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend